I find myself at a place where I am looking at things from my past and am trying to honestly face how I feel about things. Occasionally, I’ll log on to a Facebook account that I created and I’ll look up my ex-wife. I’ll look up other people, our old friends. And I have to face that I feel anger towards a lot of people.
I think, for the most part, “out of sight, out of mind” is applicable here. That’s why when I look at profiles and pictures of certain people, the emotions that are usually dormant come to the surface. The way I was regarded, and still am regarded, hurts me very much. I feel as though I had been discarded and vilified. And my ex-wife has been applauded, encouraged, supported and congratulated as someone that has “found herself”. It’s a rather horrid feeling to be honest.
My wife and I separated about 18 months ago. It was to be short term, or so she said. However, it quickly became something else. Less than six months later she had a boyfriend. A year later she was pregnant with another boyfriend’s child. What bothers me about this is that when I look at her Facebook profile, where she had posted a picture of the ultrasound, and I see people, all women, women that I thought were mutual friends, women that I thought liked and respected me, congratulating her on her pregnancy, I am filled with a most awful emotion. Part anger, part feeling wronged, but mostly… I feel betrayed and discarded. I feel degradation. And, to see how utterly worthless I am in the eyes of these women causes me to look starkly at the truth.
It must be how a physicists feels when he runs an experiment, and the result proves false a widely accepted theory, and throws the entire field into chaos.
It wasn’t so much the cold, callousness of my wife that bothered me. It was the women that came around her, to encourage bitterness, resentment, victim mentality. That familiar amalgam of whatever the hell that whole escapade of theirs is. And though I have no way to prove this, I of course suspect (from my experience it’s a foregone conclusion) that sleeping around was most likely very much in effect from an early point. I’ve seen enough of women to know that they operate like that. And that bothers me too.
It bothers me to think that while I was pining away on my sofa, starting at a wedding album, tears rolling down my cheeks, she was most likely riding some dude that she met at a bar the night before, smiling and having a great time. I thought we were more than that. I thought our marriage was more than that. And I think of her friends, laughing with her, telling her, “You go girl!” when she gives her friends the details.
I realize that this post is a bit whiney and I don’t know if it’s really useful to anyone else. But if you want to take something away from this, take this: My self-worth was reliant on what my wife and other women thought of me. And it was reliant on her actions. And though it was painful, and at times still is, I wouldn’t change what happened. Because there is a truth here. And I’m learning that my self-worth can be based on what I think of myself, in an honest and objective way. If there is something I don’t like about myself or my life, I can either change it, or if I can’t change it, I can accept it.
When I think about women now, I see them from a standpoint of observed behavior, not what I want them to be in a fantasy. You know what fantasy I mean. A moral, upright, beauty-on-the-inside woman. As much as we might want that, it’s not real. It’s a Disney movie. And that is okay today. I see how my fantasy was part of my problem. Thinking much too highly of them, I valued their opinions much more than I ever should have. I’m thankful for the pain that I went through, because it has provided me with a more accurate perspective on which to base reality.
Believe it or not, though I still have my moments, I’m by and large not angry anymore. I was for a long time, but I can see now how women are to be looked at as completely superfluous and unnecessary.
I just laughed when I read the above sentence. To voice such an idea previously would have been abhorrent to me. I would view such a statement as sexist and degrading to women. But the objective truth is that in the life of a man, women offer nothing but sex and, perhaps, conditional companionship. Upon doing an objective cost/benefit analysis, they are simply a bad choice to have in one’s life. You trade so much for access to sex and a salve for loneliness that has questionable effectiveness.
And here is the real kicker guys: Women look at themselves as having something special that they may grant you the privilege of having, provided you qualify. That is the overriding dynamic of our modern society. It overrides the dynamic that in times past this was not the case. Previously, women by necessity valued men because men kept them clothed and safe. And if our society does in fact collapse, they will enthusiastically return to this model so fast that it will make your head spin. They would drop their hyphenated last names faster than shit through a force fed goose. It’s a little hard to complain about manspreading when you don’t eat unless a man goes out and gets you food. There is a little more incentive to remain loyal when to not do so will drastically effect your survivability because you won’t be provided for anymore if you’re caught having sex with another man.
Remember that we currently, as men, have very little value to them because of the advancement of society and the systems in place. Remember that this is conditional upon society continuing to function as it does.
ここには何もないようです