Porn is so easy to find. You don't need a computer for that.

Oh my god, your wife wants all your screens visible from across the room? I'm an ex-mo living with a ex-bishop dad and release society president mom and they haven't made me do that since I was like 17... I feel for you man.

After growing up in a house with my father having zero say in anything about the house I completely understand this.

My wife and I each have our own rooms that we take make the decisions on how we like. Hers is the formal living room. Mine is the garage. The rest of the house is a compromise for everything.

Guess which rooms get the most compliments... the blended ones. When our tastes are combined we end up getting unusual things that neither of us would have gotten on our own.

Well, if she wants to take a gender stereotypical view on pornography and how it "only affects men" and is basically "limited to internet porn", I would share with her this quote from Official LDS statement on pornography and really emphasize how pornography can take multiple forms including romantic novels, which stereotypically "only women enjoy" and is a "vice" of many, and insist that she not read anything where you can't view it. Especially because ANY print material, can be pornographic, like for women magazines and such. Just trying to look out for each other right? Haha

Put hard-core pr0n on EVERY screen. She'll give you your own space soon after, LOL

Yeah. The brainwashing runs deep...

Consider yourself lucky that you can at least discuss it (at least it sounds like you can.) I get to deal with a don't ask/don't tell, passive-aggressive, pink-elephant-in-the-room bullshit "policy".

At least I've gotten to the point where a couple of my kids don't buy into the LDS-Inc. view of "Everyone that touches alcohol is and addict on the precipice of becoming an Ax-Murderer."

Edit: Spelling, punctuation, clarification...

When I went to the U and lived in the dorms, I had to take three friends to the ER on separate occasions. All were born and raised LDS and never been around alcohol, they had no idea how to conduct themselves around it and I had to model that behavior for them (while trying to live my own freshman life). Now maybe she has high hopes the kid will be a perfect TBM and go on a mission then to BYU right after but it would still do a world of good to educate youth on safe practices regarding alcohol. Normalize it vs. Prohibit it.

I saw a study a while ago that growing up with either extreme--over drinking or teetotaling--could promote alcoholism in kids. The conclusion was that the best environment is one of moderate responsible drinking.

Yes. I just told the kids that it was dad's choice and I choose not to. It was incredibly awkward when I finally had a drink at home. I hid it from the kids for a while. I then realized how ridiculous it was and began to drink openly.

I agree with this. I really want to kick my dependence, but drinking at home became a routine and now it doesn't feel right when I'm sober. If I'm hanging out on the porch or watching TV, I feel a need to have a drink in hand. Home drinking should be restricted in some way to prevent it from becoming a part of life. And in case some TBM's are scanning posts to find evidence of misery in exmo's: I've reduced my drinking to only on weekends and I feel great.

Yes, this is what we did and we found it funny as well. Everyone we have told finds it very amusing also. In the beginning I thought for sure one of our TBM relatives would figure it out and make a fuss that we were drinking at a family get together, but amazingly not one of them ever found out. We did this for years.

Yikes. That sounds like she's thinking you'll be back in the fold eventually.

Isn't judgement basically what defines being a TBM?

Win-win situation right here.

Well, when she married you did she agree that alcohol would be in the home, or is this a new development?

If it's new, then you're the one changing. That means she's allowed time to adjust.

Also drinking at home alone is not the best idea.

To me the deal killer is that you can never drink alchohol....she seems to be allowing that

As to where you drink, I just think it is wise to pick your battles

Tell her that she would need to be the designated driver, as another user mentioned, without judgement. If you can't drink at home, you will need a ride home when a social event involves alcohol.

If it hurts her for you to live your beliefs, then tell her it hurts you for her to live hers. Tell her, as a compromise, you'll stop drinking alcohol if she stops going to church. If she won't offer tit for tat, and only wants you to make compromises without her making any in return, then tell her you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, and for the sake of your own well-being will take the steps necessary to get out. It's best to be sincere about all of this, because then you will probably cry and she will see your pain. Almost certainly she will budge at that point, and if not then it's not a relationship worth saving.

I wonder if you could accomplish a level of tolerance through gentle desensitization. Of course while being careful not to build repressed resentment. It would take a while I think though.

Was hoping to see this. My first reaction was "divorce." That's a bit extreme but if the gap is this wide now on something like alcohol there surely are a lot of other gaps. Now that I see you're coming at it from a really healthy perspective I'll just shut up.

I pulled that too. It was fucking painful.

Yeah, this is a long-term plan for sure. When I was disaffecting I set a goal to be 'ok' with her staying TBM forever. I think that was an important step for me because it took pressure off her. Now we're both out and plan to raise our kids as nevermos.

If the marriage is good otherwise and her aversion to alcohol is not part of a pattern of controlling behavior, I think it's worth it. Otherwise something more drastic is probably called for.

Thanks!

I agree with you

I'm with you on this one. Plus, it is the safest place to drink, you don't need to worry about how you're getting home, because you are already there.

Also, point me to a study where there is a negative effect or consequence from children seeing grown ups drink? A lot of people are saying they would do anything they reasonable could to please their wife, but she isn't being reasonable, in fact she is being juvenile in my opinion.

It's up to you, but I would do anything for my wife that I reasonably could (and I sometimes even do things that aren't reasonable). I don't dispute it would be inconvenient, but I guess I see love as something you need to often surrender to.

And if that irritates you that much, then go right ahead and ask. It isn't about who gets to dictate, but showing respect and love toward one another.

I binge drank a lot in college when I left the church. I had no one to tell me about drinking responsibly or the dangers or health issues, and when I was 20 I didn't give a shit about risks to find out for myself. One night after clubbing with friends we were all drunk but I agreed to be the driver, stupidly, I never even though about the danger not only of causing an accident but that I would be the one with the revoked driver's license. (I was lucky, neither happened.) So much stupid. This from being taught that drinking is bad. When you see how rampant it is, and that many people seem to be doing ok with it, that message rings hollow.
The approach I take with my kids is that they have to follow the law, the reasons for the law, the dangers that some people end up having a problem with alcohol and some don't and you don't know which you are going to be if you drink, so it's a risk. But I'm not going to tell them they should never drink, because I see that potentially backfiring.

I... I don't know how to respond to that.

What a weird thing to say.

That's all and good, keep working on this, but it sounds like she is throwing ultimatums that might end the marriage anyway.

In all honesty, if you can, don't buy the house. If a person in a relationship is this controlling and putting ultimatums on another's agency, it is a bad situation you probably shouldn't get deeper. Keep renting, and figure out the relationship before houses, kids, etc.

I get the idea, but this has the potential to open a whole new can of worms. One complaint TBMs accuse NOMs/exmos of is "changing the terms" under which they got married. This is the problem when both spouses are TBM when they marry and then one disaffects. If the OP isn't already doing this, I highly suggest marriage counseling.

Not sure that's a good analogy. You would need to find something that the wife does that has similar potential physical and social repercussions.