After a poor showing in the first presidential debate, Mr. Trump returned last night with the real answers to the questions from the audience and moderators, and subsequently annihilated Secretary Clinton’s thought out and reasoned positions. How do we know that he won so bigly, you ask? Let me tell you:

1) Trump did not actively sexually assault anyone on the stage or in the audience.

2) Trump’s complaint that the moderators did their job by actually moderating was a really, really tremendous argument.

3) Bill Clinton is, objectively, responsible for everything Hillary does because, come on … he’s the man in that relationship and we all know who does the thinking.

4) Trump upped his vocabulary from a third-grade-level to a fourth-grade-level, but that could leave a full 25 percent of his supporters not understanding him.

5) Even though he doesn’t understand how the separate branches of government work, Trump was able to mention one piece of tax code other than W-2, so we’ll chalk that up to a point.

6) Trump proved he was a job-creator as over 200 new fact checkers were hired across the nation.

7) Breitbart and Infowars said he won.

8) Somebody actually called Sean Hannity after this debate (spoiler: It was his mother).

9) His totally non-sexist but constant interruptions and slow, lurching creepiness showed off his totally, super-sweet alpha frame.

10) And finally, let me repeat, Donald Trump did not actively sexually assault anybody on live television.

So, as you can see, Trump definitely won this debate by any measure. All the totally unbiased, scientifically accurate internet polls agree, Mr. Trump walked away with a major victory. Just look at The_Donald subreddit and you will see I’m right.