The Debate Questions: What We Heard Vs. What Donald Must Have Heard
Did Donald add psychedelics to his pre-debate cocaine regimen? Has his ego grown so large that understanding English is now beneath him? Is he actually an alien?
No one’s really sure, but he definitely wasn’t hearing the same things we were. Luckily, he has the best words, and they give us tremendous insight into how he understood the questions of the second debate.
What we heard: The last debate could have been rated as MA, mature audiences, per TV parental guidelines. Knowing that educators assign viewing the presidential debates as students’ homework, do you feel you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?
What Donald must have heard: Hi Donald. Fantastic stuff in the first debate. Could you go over all of the things you talked about? Also the minorities might have forgotten how much you love them, can you remind them?
What we heard: We received a lot of questions online, Mr. Trump, about the tape that was released on Friday, as you can imagine. You called what you said locker room banter. You described kissing women without consent, grabbing their genitals. That is sexual assault. You bragged that you have sexually assaulted women. Do you understand that?
What Donald must have heard: So what’s up with ISIS? They’re killing a lot of people! How are they doing that? What are we going to do about it? Please be as vague and ambiguous as possible.
What we heard: Have you ever sexually assaulted women?
What Donald must have heard: Don! The Middle East! There are so many Muslims! And they’re coming to America! What do we do!?
What we heard: Jeff from Ohio asks on Facebook, “Trump says the campaign has changed him. When did that happen?” So, Mr. Trump, let me add to that. When you walked off that bus at age 59, were you a different man or did that behavior continue until just recently?
What Donald must have heard: You remember Bill Clinton? Yeah, the guy who got his dick sucked in the Oval. Heard he abuses women. You wanna share your thoughts on that? And why is all of this Hillary’s fault?
What we heard: Mr. Trump, in December, you said this. “Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on. We have no choice. We have no choice.” Your running mate said this week that the Muslim ban is no longer your position. Is that correct? And if it is, was it a mistake to have a religious test?
What Donald must have heard: Would Captain Khan be alive if you were an omniscient, time-traveling demigod?
What we heard: What specific tax provisions will you change to ensure the wealthiest Americans pay their fair share in taxes?
What Donald must have heard: Mr. Trump, you have gone to great lengths to avoid paying taxes. Why is this Hillary Clinton’s fault?
What we heard: In the last month, taxes were the number-one issue on Facebook for the first time in the campaign. The New York Times published three pages of your 1995 tax returns. They show you claimed a $916 million loss, which means you could have avoided paying personal federal income taxes for years. You’ve said you pay state taxes, employee taxes, real estate taxes, property taxes. You have not answered, though, a simple question. Did you use that $916 million loss to avoid paying personal federal income taxes for years?
What Donald must have heard: Mr. Trump, you have gone to great lengths to avoid paying taxes. Why is this Hillary Clinton’s fault?
What we heard: So can you — can you say how many years you have avoided paying personal federal income taxes?
What Donald must have heard: Mr. Trump, you have gone to great lengths to avoid paying taxes. Why is this Hillary Clinton’s fault?
What we heard: What would you do about Syria and the humanitarian crisis in Aleppo? And I want to remind you what your running mate said. He said provocations by Russia need to be met with American strength and that if Russia continues to be involved in air strikes along with the Syrian government forces of Assad, the United States of America should be prepared to use military force to strike the military targets of the Assad regime.
What Donald must have heard: Mike Pence said something and you should probably back him up. But fuck Mike Pence, right?