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MTIFU by being a bad father (self.tifu)

riverPebbles が 投稿

I feel extremely embarrassed posting this but if it stops someone else from making the same mistake, it’ll be worth it.

I have a very high conflict relationship with my ex-wife. Trying to co-parent with her is nearly impossible. But my awesome eleven year old son makes all the conflict worth it.  

I get my son every other week. I planned a really awesome trip with my wife, her daughter, our daughter, and my son. It would have been the first time any of us went on a plane or even stayed in a nice hotel.

But on Friday, my ex-wife calls and tells me that my son wants to go on her trip instead. I was very angry and asked to speak to my son. I could hear him whining in the background saying he didn’t want to talk. My first mistake was thinking he was referring to me. My second mistake was not trying to call him myself.

Instead, I got pissed off and hung up. I have dealt with bs like this ever since we divorced. We drove to the airport and I was still really upset the whole time. I’m not a very smart man so I had our phones put in airplane mode before we even boarded. When we finally landed and turned my phone back on, I had almost 150 texts and 50 missed calls from my son and my mom.

  I went through the texts and realized that my son waited outside our house for nearly 4 hours before he called my mom. I never felt as shitty in my whole life as I did while I read those texts. His last texts were desperately asking if I really left without him. I will never be able to forget that.

I called my mom and she was angry with me. I deserved it. She said my son was crying a lot. He refused to talk to me. She also told us not to waste money and try to enjoy ourselves anyway. In the end, the only ones who had fun were the kids. I was really upset and so was my wife. I tried calling and texting my son to say I was sorry but he never responded. I cried for the first time in years because I felt so bad.  

We got back today and when I went to pick up my son, he wouldn’t even look at me, forget about talking to me. I tried explaining to him about the “misunderstanding” with his mother. I promised him I would save up for the both of us to go on the trip again. But he just kept ignoring me.

I dropped him off at school and it physically hurt not hearing him say I love you back to me.

I always took for granted that my son would be happy and loving even with his parents constantly fighting and putting him in the middle. But clearly he couldn’t put up with his shitty parents anymore. I am trying not to think about how this is going to affect him in the future.

I can’t blame my ex-wife entirely. One text from me could have avoided this. I hope any parents getting divorced will read this and not repeat our mistakes. Don’t try to hurt each other using your kids.

 

tl:dr My son missed out on a vacation because I am a shitty dad

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[–]meow_mix42 254ポイント255ポイント  (35子コメント)

Being a bad person is more about intention in my opinion. All else will be forgiven with time. You never intended hurt anyone.

The other important thing is that you truley feel bad. Any of the "bad" parents of either myself or loved ones would never admit any fault in this situation, which in turn keeps them from learning and from ever becoming a better parent.

So don't worry. You're reaction to the situation means to me that in a short time, you will make up for this enough that it will be a fleeting memory for him.

[–]riverPebbles[S] 110ポイント111ポイント  (30子コメント)

Thanks for that. I haven't been able to sleep since Friday. I hope he won't remember this too.

[–]20Maxwell14 88ポイント89ポイント  (5子コメント)

man i feel bad for the kid and i feel bad for you too man. i almost cried when i read that your son waited for 4 hours. i would have cried too if i was you. sorry for not providing any useful advice but this is the saddest TIFU i ever read since i joined reddit.

[–]highbrowapollo 71ポイント72ポイント  (4子コメント)

My question is how does a mother just drop him off and not check to see if the dad is there.

[–]UndeadKitten 28ポイント29ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm cynical, I think she knew just what she was doing.

She wanted her son to be hurt and turn on his dad.

Source:

My grandmother was this kind of mom. She absolutely manufactured traumas between her kids and their bio-dads to have more control over the relationship. My mom tried very hard never to do this to me and my dad and I'm grateful for that.

[–]TeletraanConvoy 26ポイント27ポイント  (0子コメント)

RIGHT???

[–]bruwin 19ポイント20ポイント  (0子コメント)

Even if she absolutely hates OP, she should have stayed in the car, right there, until their son was greeted by OP. I know whenever my mom dropped me off anywhere when I was a kid, she made sure to watch me to make sure I was okay and got to where I needed to go. She never left me in a situation where I was stuck outside a closed building for hours.

I just can't even fathom how a mom can do that to her kid.

[–]kurtthewurt 29ポイント30ポイント  (0子コメント)

To be honest, I think he's going to remember this. I'm assuming that I'm a good deal closer to 11 than you are, and I definitely remember stuff that happened when I was 11. However, he will also remember everything else you've done that is good, and that you never meant to hurt him, even if you handled the situation badly. This doesn't mean you're a bad parent - my parents have definitely done or said hurtful things, but if I step back from the situation I realize 95% of the time that they meant well and we both responded poorly. I'm sorry you and his mother don't get along, but the fact that you realize that you can't use your son as a bargaining chip or weapon is super important, and as long as you remember that when faced with difficult interactions with your ex, I think he will realize that you are trying and that you care. In any case, don't expect this to just blow over, but don't worry that you've irreparably damaged your relationship with your son. He's only truly hurt because he loves you, and one bad interaction isn't going to destroy that.

[–]kelseysaurus 54ポイント55ポイント  (3子コメント)

Unfortunately for you, this isn't one of those things that kids just forget. He's going to remember this and it won't make sense to him for a long time. 11 is an unfortunate crossroads of situational awareness with an absence of abstract thought - so he won't be able to understand why his mom made this more difficult for you to handle well.

You'll just have to work hard to show him that he does matter to you, you love him, and you never intended to leave him behind, which it sounds like you're well on your way to doing. Try not to blame his mother to his face, since kids don't need to be sandwiched in battles between their parents. Let him make up his own opinions about what the two of you are like. Good luck with this.

[–]boyyoz1 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

maybe it will make sense to him,and he'll want revenge.at least that would be a young me reaction

[–]scanning4life 17ポイント18ポイント  (1子コメント)

You have him every other week, you need to make sure the next one is mostly just the two of you. Kid needs alone time with you.

[–]CntrlF8 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

This. Whatever he likes to do most, do that. And if you can find a way to take off for a few days with just the two of you, even if it's just to a hotel across town, do that as well. It's time to mend fences, and one-on-one is the best way for you to do that.

I also second whomever said not to blame the mother. That's between you and the mother. Please don't put him in the middle of your relationship with her.

[–]just_another-lurker 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Have you thought about doing some therapy sessions with your son? It would be an opportunity to talk about misunderstandings like this with someone who knows how to guide the conversation.

[–]EnjoiEveryMoment 12ポイント13ポイント  (10子コメント)

I wouldn't stay hung up on it all for too long, man. Chances are, within the next 10 years he's going to get burned in a romantic relationship and his understanding his cunt of a mother will make a whole lot more sense. Until then you might as well try to make the best of the space and silence until you can figure out a clever way to show him your appreciation.

[–]EADGod 2ポイント3ポイント  (9子コメント)

THIS

You guys will look back at this and laugh once he gets his first girlfriend. He'll understand eventually.

[–]Ekillaa22 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

He will kids always remember stuff like this and bring it up when they want to prove a point or make you feel shitty

[–]UndeadKitten 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Or they bring it up when it flares back into mind and they have a need to have their parent reassure them that they regret it and value them.

Kids aren't always manipulative, and its not the only reason to hold onto a painful experience.

[–]orrzxz 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

He probably will. But don't worry, you showing him regret will make him acknowledge the fact it was not intentional, even if it's on a subconscious level. You have not done anything wrong, and even the children of bad parents can leave the past behind. (Source: was emotionally abused by my mom, tried to kill myself at age 9, she saw me hanging from a noose and after pulling me down from it she started punching me while I was still trying to catch my breath from being on a noose and crying. We are now in good relations, and I can comfortably confirm that people do change, even if it takes time.)

[–]ThermalAnvil 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I was in elementary school and I remember my mom being late to my concert where I was going to have a solo as the first chair clarinet player. Sorry OP but if you left me on vacation with what I'd think is your "real family now" I'd not forget.

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    [–]Evray9000 19ポイント20ポイント  (2子コメント)

    Sorry, I disagree with your sentiment.

    Life is only measured by your actions. Not your intentions. If intentions were action then everyone would be a millionaire and be living it easy.

    Hitler may have been a well intentioned guy before his slow decent into power hunger and madness along with a serious drug addiction that was made worse by his probable STDS.

    Sure he may have started off thinking "I'll make Germany great again!" And then 15 years later he's sitting in a bunker grappling with the prospect of suicide after causing the death of tens of millions of people.

    OP can definitely fix this, he can get his son to forgive and get over this mistake and they can both move forward stronger for it. But the impact this has had on his child will never ever go away and although he shouldn't beat himself up about it, he definitely needs to remember that stuff like this will leave lasting impressions on his children in one way or another.

    The question isn't if it will leave an impression. It definitely will. The question is what impression will he leave? One about a Dad who doesn't give a shit? Or one about a human father who isn't perfect and makes mistakes but actively tries to do his best and make up for those mistakes? That's the lesson OP should be trying to teach through his own mistake, both to himself and his son. His son will learn his parents are not perfect or infallible soon enough. Showing his son that he's only human is a good lesson to give. But to pretend like there will be no impact from this event is ignorant.

    My mom forgot my birthday once. Not as big of a deal but I was 17. The day it got forgotten I was very upset. Looking back now it's a really funny situation that I like giving my Mom shit about "Well at least my brother got a cake on his 17th birthday!" that kind of thing. It's a funny joke now, and totally not an issue. But I certainly wont forget it.

    Being a father I totally get you. Some times you just wish you could go back in time, but you can't. Even with litle things. Getting angry when you shouldn't have, or simply being unreasonable or whatever else, and then suddenly it's bed time and you wish you could take back the day and start over. I'd like to comfort you, but I think I agree with more of your sentiment about making sure you don't do this kind of stupid thing again because of your ex-wife and think more about your son next time.

    [–]R0land9911 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

    This is pure gold right here and something every parent needs to remember. You will make mistakes and do things you regret but in the end if you care about your kids and make a visible effort to improve then you are teaching them a really good lesson.

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      [–]Sir_Slick_Rock 475ポイント476ポイント  (21子コメント)

      Naw man, your not a bad dad. Your ex wife is a cunt though.. at worst you're a bit of a dummy for not investigating but she lied to you.

      Edit your-you're

      [–]radbynature 97ポイント98ポイント  (1子コメント)

      Ex definitely played him here. [Gril perspective]

      What better way to make the kid pissed at dad?

      1. Make dad so angry he shuts down in a conversation. As his ex wife, I'm sure she has a gold medal in pissing him off. If OP's story played out like he says, she knew he'd get mad and shut down

      2. Act business as usual to kid

      3. Drop kid off, knowing you're gone and likely not going to know.

      4. Kid gets more pissed at you by the minute.

      It's diabolical. You're going to need to spend a long time making this up to your kid. Emotionally and just suckage-wise. Thing is, don't check out and give up. That is what your ex is hoping for. Show your son that even though you're ashamed, and feel terrible, that nothing will dissuade you from loving him.

      And for the love of god, stop letting your ex tilt you like that. She made you irrational with anger, which led to some of this.

      TL;DR his ex is a manipulative monster that orchestrated this entire thing in order to alienate him from his kid by causing him to shut down. And his mistake was letting her, but this isn't entirely his fault.

      [–]D0esANyoneREadTHese 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

      Also keep an eye on /r/prorevenge for the other side of the story

      [–]SomeStupidFucker 74ポイント75ポイント  (4子コメント)

      This. Fucking humans.

      [–]zerodb 29ポイント30ポイント  (1子コメント)

      That's what got him into this situation in the first place!

      [–]D1rg3 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

      People. What a bunch of bastards

      [–]pm_me_deepthoughts 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

      Ugg you called it friend, I'm downing mid day beers and why we all did this to ourselves

      [–]areohbebewhy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

      Nailed it

      コメントをもっと表示する (13 返事)

        [–]Grumpy_Cath 772ポイント773ポイント  (18子コメント)

        My son missed out on a vacation because my ex was playing games and I overreacted.

        fixed that for you

        [–]punkr0x 406ポイント407ポイント  (9子コメント)

        I wouldn't even say overreacted. This whole story is her fault. She called him and told him his son didn't want to go on the trip, then she clearly made no effort to let him know that the son did want to go until it was too late and he was already at the airport. From the sounds of it she just left the son at his house alone and let OP's mom go rescue him? And clearly the ex wife painted the whole thing as "OP didn't want to take you" to their son, so now he's upset. This is just terrible parenting by the ex wife, no blame on OP at all that I can see.

        OP, is your mom willing to testify that your ex wife left your son alone at your house for four hours after she told you he wouldn't be going with you on vacation? You could probably get more custody rights after an incident like this.

        [–]rgway14 61ポイント62ポイント  (1子コメント)

        This needs more attention

        [–]Molon_x_Labe 47ポイント48ポイント  (2子コメント)

        Agreed. This right here. Judges don't play games anymore with stuff like this. The mother isn't always the one they side with anymore. Ive seen it with my brother-in-law who got full custody because the mother was a manipulative liar like this.

        [–]Why_the_hate_ 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

        The mother doesn't always win but they are usually the first choice. My friends dad got divorced. Daughter lives with dad and he pays money to mom who wastes it. She has better rights. I'm sure he could fight it now but it's still BS.

        [–]nstalker91 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        That's a filthy lie. My step brother is forced to be with his mom most of the time by the courts. They have her under a kid mapping charge because she didn't let him go back to his dad, a neglect charge because she let her eldest child hit him with a metal pipe, and a breach of agreement by trying to change his school mid year. The court said it's not right to take away a child from their mom and let her keep him most of the time. Not to mention she has drug charges and duis like no other, doesn't even have a job and makes her money off child support from 3 people. It all depends on the judge and how conservative their views are.

        [–]WutUtalkingBoutWill 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

        Exactly, how was OP to know his ex wife was playing games when they're always arguing, he took it like he normally would. Stupid thing to say to him on the day of the trip, entirely the ex wife's fault.

        [–]Marquis77 17ポイント18ポイント  (0子コメント)

        This right here.

        [–]kmichelle7492 18ポイント19ポイント  (1子コメント)

        I would disagree. He ~did overreact by hanging up on her and not bothering to check with his kid if that's for sure what he wanted to do. Why didn't he at least drive by the ex's place on the way to the airport to double check? He let his anger for "dealing with this BS since the divorce" cloud his better judgment and it got taken out on his son. No, it's not all his fault, but it is definitely still a TIFU on his part.

        [–]WubbaLubbaDubStep 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

        I agree with this. I get that shit happens and you when you assume something, it's easy to take it as fact.

        She's a horrible person, but who the fuck puts their phone on airplane mode before they get to the airport? That is bizarre. You'd miss any and all flight updates, phone calls, texts... and why assume that your kid wont change his mind?

        I get that he feels bad, and the ex-wife if diabolical beyond belief, but he was pretty careless about it.

        Just a perfect storm of fuck-uppery. Don't be too hard on yourself, OP, just a bad situation.

        [–]Sir_Slick_Rock 86ポイント87ポイント  (2子コメント)

        That's the TL;DR that should have been there.

        [–]fuzzyspudkiss 34ポイント35ポイント  (4子コメント)

        I genuinely don't understand how it was at all OP's fault. An "adult" told him that his son didn't want to go on the trip with him, which he believed because what sort of terrible person would lie about that sort of thing at the expense of their son. And he continued on his trip as to not ruin it for his other kids.

        Why the fuck did the ex-wife then drop the kid off at the house 1) without verifying that he got in the front door (my parents always waited to see that I got in) 2) after she was super shitty and lied on the phone and had no indication that OP was waiting for his son (since she said he wasn't going).

        Is she playing mind games with her son to make OP look like the bad guy? If she is she is a super shitty human because that is terrible to do to your child. It just doesn't make logical sense. I understand OP feeling bad about the situation but I don't believe any of it was his fault. If anything the TL;DR should be "TIFU by believing my ex-wife was a rational human being"

        [–]reishka 25ポイント26ポイント  (3子コメント)

        Is she playing mind games with her son to make OP look like the bad guy?

        It's absolutely this. Both of my parents did this after their divorce and it was one of the shittiest things they every could have done. Not only could they not act like adults, but they just "had to win" so everything the other parent ever did was wrong. OP's ex-wife sounds like a huge fucking cunt that has no concept of what it means to be a decent human being. She's not concerned about taking care of her child, she's concerned about her image and being the "good parent" while making her ex look like "the bad guy".

        [–]GoldlessDragon 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

        My parents still do this and I'm in college. Finally I just cut ties with my dad about a year or two ago because I can't do it right now

        [–]reishka 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

        And there's nothing wrong with that! I haven't talked to my father in about 5 years, and I interact with my mother via phone for about an hour every other month or so. Keeping them at a distance is the only way I can keep myself healthy and not get sucked into their narcisistic-fueled fueds.

        You may not be able to pick your family, but there certainly comes a point when you can tell them to fuck off so you can live your life and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

        [–]TheEliteSpectre 28ポイント29ポイント  (0子コメント)

        Ouch. Right in the feels early Monday morning.

        [–]riverPebbles[S] 44ポイント45ポイント  (16子コメント)

        Thanks for the support guys.

        I just picked up my son and dropped him off at his mom's house. He is still giving me the silent treatment. His teacher was waiting with him because she was worried something was wrong. He was really quiet and sad the whole day which is really unlike him. I felt so embarrassed telling her what happened.

        Luckily my ex father in law was there when I dropped him off and not my ex. The last thing my son needs is for his parents to be yelling in the street.

        I don't even have proof that my ex lied to me. It's my word against hers. i hope he will forgive me in time.

        He refused my hug and hugged his grandpa instead. He started crying really badly. My son rarely cries and I felt like the biggest pos because I caused him so much sadness.

        Im not going to lie but I feel like such a jerk. I ended up crying again on the drive home.

        I know it sounds like I'm overreacting but I can feel in my heart that he was really hurt by this. It's different from a normal mistake :(

        [–]DrRobotniksMachine 14ポイント15ポイント  (1子コメント)

        This is so sad to read. As someone who has been on these situations as a child it really breaks my heart. It is so hard being stuck in the middle

        You need to find a way to limit contact with your ex. Any arguments that you have with her will be effecting your son. Don't even talk to her about it. It won't end productively

        You obviously love your son infinitely, but you need to find a way of making it up to him and making sure he doesnt get stuck in the middle of two adults shitty attitudes towards each other

        [–]CntrlF8 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

        One thing you might consider is mediated, or maybe even third-party exchanges. Similar to today where your ex-FIL was there for the exchange rather than your ex.

        Your son has his own phone, so you can call/text him directly. At this point I don't see any need for you to have direct contact with the ex ever again, and I would encourage you to try your best to limit or eliminate it entirely. She's just a middle-man in your relationship with your son, and she's clearly not above sabotaging you.

        [–]bakingwhilebaking 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

        My mom called my dad (they were not even dating anymore) the day I was born and told him she just had his baby, and if he ever wanted to be in my life at all he had better show up that day. He lived states away and also had just married a woman and became a step father to a young boy, so it obviously didn't happen. I didn't meet my dad until I was 7, and honestly felt abandoned until I was older, had heard all sides of the story, and had learned how relationships work. I don't blame my dad. I blame my mother for keeping me away from my dad for 7 years because she was mad and petty. Your son will learn the truth.

        [–]v-punen 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

        It's kind of heartbreaking to read, even if the situation in the end is not that dramatic. What I would be afraid of, is that he thinks now that he's not a part of your family. You went on vacation with your "new kids" and had an experience with them, so he's probably jealous. Try to make it up to him, next time you have him try to do something special. Don't expect enthusiasm at first. He will probably be sulking for some time, but you have to keep trying to cheer him up and show him how much you love him.

        Try not to worry too much - he probably won't forget it, but he will forgive you.

        [–]Sleepless_Devil 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

        It gets better. Parents make mistakes and when he's ready to talk, he will. Chin up, be there for when your son is ready and don't check out with your other kids

        [–]Elnoobnoob 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

        Really sucks hearing that man. I dont know what kind of kid he is but you just need to give him some time then try to apologize later when he gets over the initial sadness. Trying to talk to him is exactly the opposite of what he wants to do right now.

        [–]mcsleepy 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

        This is how I see what happened.

        Given that you hate your ex-wife, you took your wife's word for one reason only, and it's not obvious. A strong relationship can only be built on trust, and clearly you love your son, but your trust level is not in sync most likely because you do not have a high opinion of yourself. Otherwise you would have known in your heart that she was lying, instead of immediately sinking into anger. If one doesn't trust themselves, then one can't trust others. Learn to love yourself in spite of this wretched harpy. And try to make a case for the emotional abuse she's putting everyone through.

        I wish I could come up with an easy way to repair things with your son. My suggestion would be to arrange another trip that's even grander than the last one, and ensure that your son is there and has the time of his life. Money is just money.

        Other ideas: Give him some time to digest what happened first. Work on your emotional issues. Tell him what a bad time you had because he wasn't there. Tell him if you could make things have happened differently, you would. Tell him you'll never do it again. Turn it into a lesson even - tell him to never let his anger get the best of him like you did.

        [–]Lonslock 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        Download a call recording app, I use ACR but just look up call recording and a whole bunch pop up that are free. Mine records all calls and I set it up to ask me after the call if I want to keep the recording or delete it. You need this if you are dealing with ex wife over phone a lot, just look up laws about recording phone calls in your state

        Edit: you can also set it to only record certain numbers if you want to

        [–]CntrlF8 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        You're not over-reacting. Your reaction is spot on, and your son will appreciate (eventually) that he has a father who cares enough to cry over hurting him.

        I learned a long time ago, any dick can be a father. It takes a man to be a dad. You're a dad. Never doubt that. He'll understand in time, just do what you can to mend the relationship and do your best not to let it fuck you up too bad for too long.

        [–]Gedyminia 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        Don't take his love and happiness for granted. Shit like this builds on you.

        [–]2Fab4You 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        You need to consider why you took your ex's word that your son didn't want to go with you. Do you think you have a bad relationship with your son? Do you think he prefers his mom? I feel like there must be some part of you that half expected him to say no to the trip, or you would have tried harder to confirm with him.

        Even if she were telling the truth, that he said he didn't want to come, chances are extremely high he would have changed his mind come morning. 11 year olds do that. He might have been scared of flying and said he didn't want to go to express that fear, although he didn't really mean it.

        I believe your ex was lying, I don't think he ever said any such thing. But the fact that you didn't even consider that alternative and didn't bother to check in with him one last time before leaving could say something about you. I think you need to put more faith in your son. You obviously need to communicate better with him, but also you must believe that he loves you.

        I am glad you seem to have learned from this, and I am sure you will handle it well from now, and that he will forgive you.

        [–]Wozz_727 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        Just please know that this isn't your fault at all based on the story, your ex-wife caused it.

        [–]Mister_Bonden 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

        My heart hurts for your little boy. He's already stuck in the middle of an unending conflict and then he gets to experience a little kids' worst abandonment nightmare as well. I promise I'm not pointing this out to make you feel bad, because I know you already feel really bad.

        There are some comments on here saying essentially he'll get over it and that it really wasn't your fault.

        Well, there will come a time when he seems to be less upset, yes. Also, your ex is definitely at fault, yes.

        But I think you already know, that doesn't matter. What matters is that your kid spent a couple hours(!) beginning to fear that his dad left him behind, and the next couple hours realizing that his worst fears were true. And to your credit, you know that, and you NEVER want your kid to ever feel that way again.

        Which means that you have to be very patient with him and let him know you're sorry and you understand why he is so upset. You have to win back his trust by being there for him even when he's angry at you. And you need to be the dad he needs, and not fly off the handle at your ex, even when you're tempted to do so. All of which you already know. You can do this. It will take time, but you can absolutely do this.

        コメントをもっと表示する (3 返事)

          [–]Snake_Ward 62ポイント63ポイント  (2子コメント)

          She knew what she was doing and did it anyway. She just wanted to throw a monkey wrench into your plans to mess with you and ruin your trip. And at the same time im sure she was selling your son on just how much of a POS you are for not bringing him. I have seen this time and time again.
          How someone can harbor that much hate towards someone is dumbfounding to me.

          [–]Mylaur 6ポイント7ポイント  (1子コメント)

          She is now probably manipulating the son now and that's going to turn bad for him. I hope all goes well at the end.

          [–]Lonslock 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

          Only for now, wait till he grows up. As long as dad stays head strong, when the son gets older he may ask about it, dad can explain what happened factually, the now grown son will understand. Hell, maybe even before then he will figure it out.

          [–]cajunhawk 16ポイント17ポイント  (0子コメント)

          I like that you took ownership of this. That's the true measure of a man. You have an easy out in a crazy ex-wife, but that's not something you can control. You are owning it, and learning a valuable lesson.

          As for forgiveness, it will come with time. Kids will never forget, but eventually they learn the truth.

          You are not a bad father. You made a mistake. It's how you learn from that mistake that makes you a good father or a bad father. I think you are well on your way.

          [–]rodrigueznathaniel 44ポイント45ポイント  (11子コメント)

          In all seriousness, it wasn't that bad of a mistake, have you ever seen the "home alone" franchise? Maybe watch that with your son. Then calmly sit down and explain to him what you were feeling and apologize. Sincerely. Sure enough, he will forgive you in time, it's not like you purposefully meant to leave him behind.

          EDIT:not saying you didn't ever sincerely apologize before, but it doesn't hurt to do so again

          [–]riverPebbles[S] 31ポイント32ポイント  (10子コメント)

          I've tried talking and apologizing. He is still too angry with me. Hopefully when he calms down he will be more open to hearing me out.

          [–]rodrigueznathaniel 14ポイント15ポイント  (1子コメント)

          He won't be mad forever and you by far are not a failure. Don't bash yourself over it, anyone could have made the mistake. Just try not to do it again :)

          [–]CntrlF8 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

          The fact that you clearly are genuinely remorseful over the situation tells me you're not a failure.

          I grew up without my father in the picture at all. The only time he's ever shown any kind of remorse was when he wanted something from me. Currently it's my forgiveness that he wants before he dies, and I won't give him the satisfaction.

          Trust me when I say that though your son is hurting over this now, someday he's going to appreciate that his dad was around and cared enough to feel bad about fucking up.

          [–]senorglory 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

          Try joint therapy.

          [–]kmichelle7492 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

          Family therapy, for reallllls.

          [–]StupidityKiller 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

          Family is family dude. You are always there for him when he needs you. Even he knows that right this second while he's mad at you. Hell he probably doesn't even fully understand why he's mad at you. I can't say he'll forget this within a year or so, you never know. Let him be mad for now, a week tops and you're parent no.1 again. As for the ex, try to keep all communication to a minimum to avoid future situations. Seriously if you can condense an hour of talking over the phone into a concise 1 paragraph text, you may never fight again.

          Source: Am love expert from the movie Frozen(and also a parent)

          コメントをもっと表示する (5 返事)

            [–]abelb23_ 31ポイント32ポイント  (1子コメント)

            Don't worry he'll get over it when he grows up he'll look back and realize wow my mom is an asshole it sucks co-parenting with an Ex but he'll be under your wing soon enough

            [–]Lonslock 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This, just don't stoop and do what she is doing, but also stay aware of it in case future incedences like this occur. Also, consider doing as /u/punkr0x posted higher up and have your mom testify to a judge what happened.

            [–]ButcheredMX 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This is one of those times where spending the extra money to have him fly out to meet ya'll would be appropriate. However, I realize funds may get in the way of that. :(

            [–]Arquillius 59ポイント60ポイント  (3子コメント)

            Nah, ur not a bad dad, but your wife is a fucking cunt.

            You were taking her at her word: "But on Friday, my ex-wife calls and tells me that my son wants to go on her trip instead."

            So that was the go ahead that you needed to go without him. You tried talking to him, but he refused confirmation, so you had to assume, based on his actions and mannerisms that your exwife was telling the truth and departed without him.

            This does NOT make you the bad dad. This does however make your exwife a cunt. And a dirty one at that.

            Okay let me explain why I'm using that word to describe her.

            She is attempting to make you look bad, that's the first point. She's using your children against you. That's the second point.

            Oh you want to get back at her? Walk into court with the missed calls and text messages to the judge. Show him how she's been using the kids like slings and arrows and ask for an adjustment on support/custody.

            Why do I say this? What she did can not only be considered emotional abuse but mental abuse to not only you but the children as well. Having gone through a REALLY nasty case of this shit myself, the courts tend to find it very interesting when you speak up about it.

            As a young teen, I reported mental and emotional abuse to the police and my mother was later investigated (as they only needed some sort of leverage to do it) and then arrested. Her arrest report was 60 pages long with notes about mental distress, the state of the place where I was living, and so on. I ended up with my father within a few hours after her arrest.

            Don't worry, we're all pulling for you, and keep that stick on the ice.

            [–]contecorsair 39ポイント40ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Also, she left her son alone for 4 hours, when arranging a drop off a good parent would wait until he gets where he is going safely, especially after an unfinished phone call! She was deliberately setting dad up to fail and son to feel abandoned by dad.

            [–]m_toboggan_md 19ポイント20ポイント  (0子コメント)

            yeah. she intentionally made their son extremely upset for her own gain. she's a shitty mom and a shitty person.

            [–]jessand2boys 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I agree with the above - she set it up and painted you (and him) into a corner. Hindsight is 20/20 and you had no basis at the time for doubting her word. And it sounds like her timing was cutting it close enough that he should have already been at your house when you left. I can't believe she set the scenario up and left him sitting there. That hurts my heart.

            Kids are super smart and he will understand eventually what went down. If she has a pattern of this behavior he's probably just old enough that he is starting to see that her choices are not always in his best interest. He will start to see and understand that more as time goes by although it's not easy for a kid to process and accept.

            Meanwhile - you are an awesome dad, not shitty at all, and I know this because I can tell how much this hurts you. Just keep being loving, keep being a source of stability and a soft place for your son to land and this really will pass. He may not forget but he will most likely start to get some clarity on his own as time goes by.

            [–]TreeAndPlants 19ポイント20ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Hey OP, it's ok man. The fact that you realize you were in the red has told me more than enough that you are more than capable of loving your son and being an awesome father. And that you relentlessly try to make it up to him instead of just blaming someone else makes you a great person, let alone a father.

            It's not all your fault but dad's make mistakes. Apologizing and being sincere is how you fix that. I know my dad wouldn't have done that and so I'm pretty glad that you did.

            Stay strong, OP, your boy will come around.

            [–]Steam_Punky_Brewster 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Ugh this made my eyes water. I have an 11yr old myself. What I dont understand is how was he left outside for 4 hours?

            1. You should consider getting keyless entry. You don't have to worry about him getting locked outside again.

            2. how does your ex drop him off without making sure he gets into the house safely? Even if you are dropping a friend or coworker off, I thought common courtesy was to wait until the person gets in the house safe?

            3. Your ex is a bitchbag.

            [–]RichMahogany3 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I understand that your ex wife is a total bitch, but come on how didn't you at least follow up with your son? An 11 year old is able to communicate wants and needs effectively, why trust your shitty ex as a middleman? Especially if you've dealt with similar situations before this. I feel disappointed and I don't even know you OP.

            That being said, I feel so bad for both you and your son and I hope you two heal the wounds that this definitely caused. Time and continued love from you will help towards that end. Learn from the mistake and only trust words from your son's mouth directly.

            [–]whimsicalley 15ポイント16ポイント  (2子コメント)

            This will probably be downvoted quickly but I don't care. Your son will never forget this. Sorry to be "that person" but as someone who dealt with this (still dealing with it as an adult) all my life, moments like that really stick with you. He sat outside for hours. It sucked for him more than it sucked for you. I'm sorry because I know it's going to suck hearing that, but it's true.

            The good news is: he knows which parent is "the crazy parent," trust me. Have you considered sitting him down and letting your feelings get the best of you as you explain yourself? Even though there are a lot of shitty parts about growing up with divorced parents, having my dad (normally a tough, life-of-the-party type) break down and apologize to me sincerely always helped me understand that he is an imperfect human too, even if the situation "wasn't his fault." Just my two cents. Good luck.

            [–]UndeadKitten 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Nope, he won't. Its memorable to be left behind when you expected to have a fun trip, its memorable to feel unwanted and waiting 4 hours trying to convince yourself that Dad didn't really leave you is super memorable.

            He'll know which parent is the crazy one. But emotions don't follow logic, and its entirely possible this will always be a painful memory to revisit and cause a change in the relationship.

            My dad caused that change by deciding not to visit me for 3 months because his wife and I didn't get along. He drove me home, an hour trip, after yanking me out of a resturaunt without eating and lectured me the entire way home about what a bitch I am and what a bitch my stepmom is and how we made his life miserable and I should try harder to get along and I'm just like my mother.

            I loved my dad, I always will. But it changed my opinion of him greatly. As did watching him throw himself into stuff with my brother and then not show up at anything I did. I remember a lot of violin recitals (a activity I did only because HE liked the violin) and choir concerts (I did that because I loved it) where I would look for him and he wasn't there. Nor was my mother because he claimed he wanted his family to attend it.

            Weird Fact: Actually we (stepmom and me) got along fine if it was just her and me, or if it was her, me and my brother (technically stepbrother, her son). But my dad would meddle between us and little tiny flares ("Kitten, put your clothes in the hamper, they're on the bathroom floor" If we were alone I'd immediately go put my clothes in the hamper and try to be conscious to do it myself next time so she wouldn't have to ask again. If my father over heard it he would tear into me about being thoughtless and selfish and why couldn't I APPRECIATE my stepmom and on and on and on until I hated my stepmom for 'making' my dad tear into me. It took me until I was 16 or so to realize the pattern, I was not a smart child) Looking back I hate that Dad felt he had to micromanage our relationship because I am very close to my stepmom now, she's absolutely a mother to me, and I feel like we could have had that so much sooner without him "helping".

            [–]CoyKitten 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            ^ This is the truth here OP. Everyone else minimizing the impact this had on your son is out of their mind. You fucked up.

            Having an honest discussion and sincerely displaying your regret will do a lot to fix things with your kid.... along with never doing something like this again. Seriously, avoid even being late to pick him up for things, man.

            [–]shawn0811 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

            It sounds like you care about your son and his opinion of you. There isn't much advice to offer here except that since you told him you would save the money to take him on a trip....you need to make good on that promise. Even if it isn't the same trip. And even if it ends up just being a father/son outing. You can get plane tickets cheap now...going to a lot of different places. Now onto the real advice. I know it is very hard having an ex that you absolutely cannot stand and trying to raise a child with said ex. But the thing you have to keep at the front of your mind when having any interaction with that ex...is that you need to do what is best for your kid. And unfortunately that includes trying to keep your voice down when the kid can hear you and don't argue in front of the kid at all costs. And even more important...don't tell your kid what you think of the other parent. If you tell your kid that his mom is a huge count...it makes you look bad. Kids are super smart. They will eventually figure it out. It may take years...but one day a lightbulb will go off in his head and he will say "Man, Mom is a huge piece of shit!" And depending on the age he figures it out...it still may not be a good idea to agree with him. Bottom line is....if you shit talk his mom all the time...even if she is a huge bag of shit...it will make you look bad. Just don't talk about her in front of him at all. If you want to wait til he is sitting in front of the XBOX or down at Billy's house hanging out....then you can talk about how much of a raging bitch she is. Or you can even call her and tell her yourself. But I've seen first hand what happens when parents badmouth the other parent in front of the kid. It'll mess him up. And you don't want that.

            [–]nivek_c 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

            wait wait wait. your son was waiting outside your house and not your ex's? how did he get there? how come he was alone for 4 hours?

            these are important questions because it actually would make her look absolutely terrible and negligent in family court. she told you that he wasnt going with you, then waited till you left, then left him on your doorstep when she knew you werent going to be there, and took off. sounds like serious negligence to me, especially since these days parents are getting in trouble for letting their kids play outside without supervision...

            [–]kmichelle7492 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You need to go to family therapy with you, the ex, and the kid. He NEEDS to see that his parents, the most important people in his life, are able to get along. You two need help working through the obvious resentment that you two still carry from the break up that is being taken out on him.

            With a mediator, I think it's possible for you two to process your shit enough to not do this to your son again. AND with a therapist's help, it'll be much easier for him to process and move past how hurt he is right now.

            Edit: Hey thanks, anonymous benefactor! My first gilding!

            But seriously, I hope you read this OP and really consider it. As a person who works closely with children who are coping with emotional trauma, it would help so much, both right now and in the future.

            [–]Wormbrain1 8ポイント9ポイント  (1子コメント)

            This sounds alot like "frustration of visitation" which is a crime.

            [–]tacosmcbueno 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This is basically how I ended up with custody. During the divorce we had temporary split custody time 50/50 awaiting a final order and my ex would routinely threaten to not show up, would often make a scene during almost every exchange and a few times just not show up at all. Judges really don't seem to like this kind of stuff.

            [–]Krytan 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            At least now you will know not to trust anything your ex says about what your son wants.

            [–]jeremiahaubergine 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I really feel for you pal, that's a horrible situation you're going through. I'm thankful that I have a good relationship with my ex, the mother of my two daughters. I see my girls once per fortnight and on the 9th of next month, I've been allowed to take them away on vacation for the first time ever- we're off to Madeira Island for a week and I've never been so excited!

            For your situation, time will be the healer. Your little 'un will forgive you, there's no doubt, but this will take time to rebuild his trust.

            Your ex was out of line by using the kid as a hostage, using him to hurt you like that is a disgrace and I imagine that your pain, anger and frustration clouded your judgement for a while. We're all human buddy, it's how you handle it now that will help fix this pain.

            Sending positive thoughts your way pal.

            [–]mynameisalso 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Time to buy him a dirt bike.

            [–]mrssac 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

            TIFU by being a shitty mom. My girls bday this week, my eldest 21, younger 13. I saved like crazy all year and took my eldest on a spa break, gold bangle, posh makeup. My youngest I had arranged a trip abroad for the weekend, to Denmark from Uk, only two nights as its my only time off. Went to check in realised her passport had expired. My eldest got everything my youngest nothing as I had planned to buy her present on the trip. I'm a student nurse and have no money to rebook, never took insurance as I have asthma and couldn't find affordable insurance. To add to this my eldest's dad being rich bought her a brand new Audi. My youngest's dad gave her £100.

            [–]callmetmrw 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

            It's too early to be feeling...

            Give it time Dad...give it time. It'll pave over.

            [–]doodlewacker 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Man.. I feel for you. I have a very close friend who goes through a lot of BS with his ex-wife. I know how stressful it is on him and how hard he tries to do right by his son and how difficult she makes things for him.

            [–]Sleepless_Devil 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Keep your phone on, man. Come on, you've got a busy, tumultuous life.

            Also, your ex-wife is a bitch. That's pathetic for her to act like that

            [–]CrackedOzy 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            That's rough man, be persistent in apologizing and offering to do something with just your son to make up for it. He'll appreciate it once he accepts your apology.

            [–]rolls4dayzz 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Why did the wife call and say he didn't want to come

            [–]iamthepurplerabbit 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Sounds like your ex is a manipulative bitch. It sounds like the whole thing worked out just how she planned it. You need to start being smarter than her and believe nothing she says. Verify everything yourself from now on. Best of luck...

            [–]der_innkeeper 14ポイント15ポイント  (1子コメント)

            Yep. you sucked.

            Be the best dad you can from here on out. You can't fix it, but you can learn from it, and be a better dad for it.

            Take this opportunity to work on having better and more open communication with your son.

            Good luck.

            [–]kmichelle7492 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Seconded. Use this as your biggest learning opportunity and keep it in the back of your mind ALWAYS, every time that there's a chance for you two to do something special together or make a memory as a family. Yeah, you screwed up by taking your ex on her word, and you screwed up by letting your bad relationship with the mom get in between your and his relationship (doesn't matter if you caused the rift - it only matters that it's there, and it's both of the parents' fault if it is). But you can learn from this and not let anything like this happen ever again. Yeah, he'll probably remember this forever as a time he was really, really hurt. But you have a chance to make him remember every time he sees you from now on as being a great dad who can learn from his mistakes.

            [–]MuzzleCream 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You can't undo the damage but lpt: treat custody agreements as non negotiable. Ie if it's your weekend and your son doesn't want to go then pick him up anyway. As they get older it becomes harder to get them to "want" to go to do things, including visitation. By removing visitation as a want you can focus on other aspects of the relationship. (Of course, too little too late now)

            If I were to offer a suggestion you need to create a man ceremony. He is eleven so it's nearly time anyway. What is a man ceremony? Drive to the middle of nowhere, get out and take the passenger seat and let him drive. First trip to the gun range, First roller coaster, a private hotel room with a friend, climb a mountain, share a beer, shave together, pick one.

            [–]allblacks84 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I am a dad myself, but not divorced. I have seen friends go through situations like this when we were growing up and its not your fault. dont think it is. your ex is playing games, and making things hard on you. Sadly, your son will need some time to get over this. when he does, you need to sit him down and explain what happened. you dont want him to side against his mother, but you need him to understand that you never intended for this to happen. Yes - you should have called him, but i might have made the same mistake you did.

            [–]SmokyDragonDish 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            It's very difficult to deal with high conflict personalities, let alone "co-parent" with them. That's why there is a separate term "parallel parenting". With some experience and advice, you'll learn to avoid these traps set by your ex in the future.

            Hang in there.

            [–]thesislog 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Hey OP - this really resonated with me and I'll be sure to learn from your experience. My ex is sometimes so extreme with her behaviour that I can't even fathom the situations that occur.

            You're a good guy and love your son. Keep being you and loving him and it'll be okay. Might be time for a trip for just the two of you. Thank for sharing.

            [–]me_luvtits 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            never trust an ex with anything

            [–]whatamihearing 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I'm so sorry. I shed a few tears reading this. Hopefully you'll be able to make it up to him. Even just a day out one on one with you would probably make your son feel a little better.

            [–]joerockt 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Maybe its just me, but I'm not reading where you explained that your ex was lying to you about your son wanting to go with your ex on her vacation instead. Nor is it explained that both you and your ex were going on vacation at the exact same time.

            [–]Liquorace 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            But on Friday, my ex-wife calls and tells me that my son wants to go on her trip instead. I was very angry and asked to speak to my son. I could hear him whining in the background saying he didn’t want to talk.

            So why didn't he want to talk when you were on the phone?

            [–]shwag945 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            She is going to use this in court against you. I guarantee it. My dad did similar shit.

            [–]universes7 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Totally understand the situation but you sound like a dramatic, overreacting fucking MORON who deserves this.

            Any dad in the world would try/wait till the very last goddamn second to get their son to go with them on that trip, you just shut your phone off all day and didn't give a fuck? you knew they would try to contact you and THAT's why you shut the phone, fucking dramatic idiot, you didn't think your son or anybody else would try to contact you to figure out the situation??

            You've never been on a plane or a vacation, obviously you're a loser, and this type of attitude shows exactly why.

            [–]MindfulLifter 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Your not a bad dad dude. As a father to a wonderful son with a real shitty mother, it makes me glad she is really now in our life. Good luck, parenting is hard. Co-parenting is harder, and co-parenting with a shitty parent is the hardest. We are all just doing our best.

            [–]FoxFromFuture 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            First of all mate I feel your pain AND YOUR NOT A BAD DAD AT ALL. And seriously fu*k that bitch even if you still love her a little bit I don't know man :(. She still did something horrible to you guys biggest treasure and I'm mad for real. I just really hope that your son will understand what she did. I mean nothing last forever so your son will forgive you (even if you kinda did nothing wrong) stay strong bro and you got all of us behind you!

            [–]Arsenicandoldface 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I don't think you're overreacting. This is an awful situation for you and your son to be in.

            He's 11 now. Never make or change plans without talking to him directly. I hope your ex fucking chokes.

            [–]BruceBannersDick 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Learn from this but don't let it consume you. Know how she is and make better choices next time.

            My ex-wife and I were to meet for a custody battle at court. She pissed me off by saying that she had proof that my daughter wasn't mine and she was going to show it in court. I stupidly left after saying some very bad words to her. She got granted custody with me only getting my daughter for standard visitations. I know how she is now and lawyered up and I won't let her get over on me any more.

            [–]DickTugnutz 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Definitely not your fault. It's your ex's fault for lying to you.

            [–]nxsky 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            OP you need to start recording your conversations with his mother. Had you recorded that conversation you'd have a pretty solid case in court.

            [–]Zoey2070 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            First of all, your kid is probably going to take a while to forgive you, if he ever does; he might bring it up in arguments years from now. The best you can do is try to make it up to him. Grovel. It won't really fix it, but I guess try to sooth the wound. Go some place with your kid, one-on-one maybe, like a water park or a museum or something cool. Maybe get ice cream.

            [–]glass_sci_guy 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            What a heartless bitch. Making your son feel that bad.

            [–]lucidpersian 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This is some Betty Draper level petty manipulation on the part of your ex...

            [–]rottenalice 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This doesn't make you a shitty dad, it just means you reacted too emotionally and it caused a screw up. But it seems your ex-wife was the instigator in this; one wonders if she is beating herself up over it the way you are. I hate to point fingers when I don't know the whole story, but this sounds like a deliberate attempt to manipulate you and your son. If that's correct she needs major help, that is immature and antisocial behavior, and she probably didn't even consider your sons feelings in all of it. It is awful when kids get trapped in the middle of their parents fights, but they are resilient and as long as you move forward and keep doing your best, maybe this will just be a bad memory amidst an otherwise positive relationship. We all have those times we wish we could take back, especially between parents and children I think, and they will always hurt, but they will be overwhelmed by the good memories if you learn from them and always try to do what is right and fair in the future. Good luck with your son, I'm sure he'll come around.

            [–]FatKanibal 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Terrible mind games aside, she knowingly dropped her son off at an empty house and drove away. That's fucked. I would definitely mention that to the court.

            [–]Spheral_Hebdomeros 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I'm sorry for asking this. But why didn't you just take the first available flight home?

            [–]Ymees 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You are not a bad father.

            Bad fathers don't plan trips for their children. Bad fathers don't feel regret or remorse when shit goes sideways. Bad fathers don't care. You, sir, were angry and hurt. You made a mistake (not your first, won't be your last). You'll have the opportunity to own up to this and make it up to your son because that's what good fathers do.

            [–]Farkerisme 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

            You're not the asshole. It's your ex-wife.

            [–]ieathairpussy 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            The fact that you care shows that you're doing a much better job than, statistically, most fathers from separated families. Your son will get over it and you'll have a good vacation together in the future. Nobody got hurt except for a few minor emotional bruise and you both live on to make bigger mistakes in the future. You get two thumbs up from this single father.

            [–]9ys_7mo_13days 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This is completely her fault, she knew that your son was looking forward to that trip with you and she took that from both of you. Don't blame yourself, you didn't do any of this with any malicious intent. You are not a shitty Dad, shitty people don't care when they hurt other people around them.

            [–]KY-Belly 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Vacation must be nice.

            [–]Angsty_Potatos 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You're ex is a loathsome bitch...I really cannot handle when a parent uses an innocent child as a pawn like that. Fuck her royally and I sincerely hope she's reaps what she sows. As for you, it blows you over reacted. Sometimes we can't help that and we miss doing something that any other time would seem obvious.

            Let your son be pissed. He is more than right to be epically mad, sad, and generally fed up. Maybe try writing down an apology. I wouldn't try adding in anything like "There was a misunderstanding with your mother" as I am sure he A) Knows all to well how his mother can be and B) It doesn't do jack to make him feel better.

            aknowledge the situation became royally fucked, and that you will never feel less awful for how it panned out. aknowledge that he's got a right to be pissed and that, when he's ready, you'd love to sit with him, man to man, and work this out.

            Good luck dude :(

            [–]im2bizzy2 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Gd a manipulating, trifling woman. Next time, have an overnight planned for just you and him. Don't force conversation. Apologize as soon as you two are alone, making clear you misunderstood rather than blew him off. You can never make this go away, but you can by God teach this man under construction that grownups admit it when they make mistakes, own it, ask forgiveness. Then leave it Alone. He trusts you to be square with him. Don't be a patsy by trying to make it up. Bc you can't. Just love him and moving forward take time to hear his side.

            [–]tahmed0437 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I'd be so pissed at my ex wife.

            She is ridiclious. As for your son he is young and young children are often forgiving quickly. It'll be okay.

            [–]itsthebeards -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Yeah, your ex-wife is a bitch. This isn't your fault.

            [–]mywayortheskyway 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You are not a bad person, you just made an unfortunate mistake. The bad person is your ex, for attempting to use your son as a means to get back at you.

            [–]Freezella 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Sounds like a good dad stuck with a shitty ex. Time heals all wounds, he'll listen when he's ready.

            [–]EADGod 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

            Sounds to me like your bitch of an ex-wife tried to use your little boy as a pawn in her game of "turn the kids against their father".

            Fuck her.

            This will all pass.

            My mother used to do the same types of things. She'd spin stories about all the "bad shit" my dad did after she left him, but he called everyday, he got us every weekend, and he helped us out, so I knew he was a good guy.

            One day, you and your kid will look back on this and laugh about it.

            [–]luseferr 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Yeah, that's what I got from this. The ex wife flat out lied to dad, knowing it would piss him off and would mostlikely just go on the trip anyway.

            Ex wife still drops kid off like nothing happened, thus making it seem like the dad is a piece of shit.

            It went exactly how she wanted it to go, tho I will say OP did fuck up by not trying to contact the son directly.

            [–]Masked_Death 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Ugh. Fuck your ex-wife. I'm a child of divorced parents, and generally my dad is trying to fix it all but my mom is jealous about our good relations. My dad gets to see me every 2nd weekend, and sometimes not even that (e.g. when I'm out for "our" weekend), but mainly I live with mom. There have been situations where dad planned something cool a month before, then a week before my mom says that we're going on a trip (say, to grandparents) and fuck my plans.

            Speaking from experience, if you treat your son with love, with time he'll realize that his mother is a cunt. My dad was an alcoholic, he also always tried to protect my and mom's relationship, while she would just bash him for being a drunk and the devil and causing whatever bad happened in our life.

            It took me some time, and you'll probably have to be patient as well, as things like that don't come quick, but I've realized that my dad is actually a loving, caring person. You just need to endure the shit your ex-wife throws at you, keep on being the loving dad you are, and in some time your son will realize that you're actually a great dad.

            [–]Kurtmaximus 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I can totally relate to your situation, I too have a ex wife of who I have 3 kids with, the 2 eldest which are boys were 5 and 7 when we split, I used to have them every weekend for years, met my now wife and got married in the Caribbean, they all came and we had a great time, over the years my ex wife who is a truly horrible person has poisoned their minds and turned them against me, they are now 15 and 13 and despite me constantly sending birthday and Christmas cards every year telling them I want to see them and giving my phone number, they do not want to see me, I haven't seen them now in 4 years and this kills me.

            Moral of the story and please don't take offense as I don't mean to be nasty, but man up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and be happy he is still in your life!

            [–]blackhaz2 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Thanks for sharing. Why don't you let it sit for some time and then get him on a trip some day - just you and him?

            [–]sexploringvirgin 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I hope that your awesome 11 year old son will read this post! And see how genuinely his dad cares

            Best to your family!

            [–]outofmwg 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

            If this post is true, you should pursue legal action. Playing with the kid's feelings is never good. Especially, if it is his mother who is still bitter and tries to make him hate you. I hope you and your son will reunite again and go on an awesome trip. GL

            [–]nosuchjustice 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            By no means are you a bad father. I remember going through similar situations like this with my divorced parents. My fathers mistake was trying to sway my opinion of my mother who would never do it in return. As I grew older my respect only grew for my mom when I started noticing the truth. If your ex wife is immature enough to do this then she will eventually show your son her true nature when he is old enough to understand. Whatever you do don't stop being there for your son and he will come around.

            [–]eyesopenarmscrossed 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Friend, keep being there for your boy and don't let other people turn you into someone you're not.

            This hurts, but you have love for your son. It'll be okay.

            [–]Xcavor 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            At least you get to see your kid. My ex is a total cunt.

            [–]bad_salamander 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You're not a shitty dad OP. Divorce unavoidably fucks kids up regardless. Don't be hard on yourself, just try to make it up to the kid.

            [–]Joey10612 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Stop making me sad.

            [–]johndaviesluck 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Fuck man that hurts. Split families are a burden on everybody. I hope your son can forgive you in time.

            [–]Darlordvader 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This too shall pass.

            [–]soon_very_soon 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Later I'll let you know why you're not a fuckup.

            I'll give you a hint.... you care.

            [–]jxlowe 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You're ex is a terrible person. That being said I wonder if the airline would have allowed you to pay a fee to change his original flight so he could have met you out there or you could have flown back, gotten him and met everyone back out there. I would think it would have been worth any extra costs. That's a shitty situation she put you in either way.

            [–]N7Gentleman 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You are not a shitty dad. You just got in a shitty situation.

            [–]jxlowe 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Your ex is a terrible person. That being said I wonder if the airline would have allowed you to pay a fee to change his original flight so he could have met you out there or you could have flown back, gotten him and met everyone back out there. I would think it would have been worth any extra costs. That's a shitty situation she put you in either way.

            [–]nghtwsp 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            My God, this hurt my heart to read. Like, I want to cry FOR you.

            [–]toukinta 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Feels OP, especially being in a similar situation. It sucks and he will no doubt be angry at you but will get over it eventually. I've learned to try (keyword) not to let my feelings for the ex, regardless of how much of a real B she can be, interfere in any way with the relationship of me and my son. I think you both can learn from the mistakes in this situation.

            [–]PotatoLord24 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I wouldn't worry about it, you took responsibility in the end and felt bad about it. My dad would not feel bad in the slightest, in fact he would try to twist the situation and make it my fault.

            [–]JustYouAndITogether 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            James would never be a bad father...

            oh James

            [–]sydrin 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Don't think you need to completely blame yourself here, but you can't completely let yourself off the hook either. Your ex created the situation with her lies, but you also allowed her.

            Have patience with your son, he is young and things are super emotional. I've watched multiple children in divorce situations who somehow feel that their parent is abandoning them. They get this, if mom/dad loved me enough he/she wouldn't be leaving me complex. That is probably why his reaction to this situation seems so dramatic--it hits him where he is most vulnerable.

            I have also seen children work through this. You just need to stay on message with him from now on. It's easy to read your love for him in your post, don't let anything get in the way of that. That doesn't mean trying to shower him with gifts and at some point more apologies just make it worse. While he will never forget this event, he is quite capable of eventually forgiving and seeing you for the loving father you are. Be patient, mental/emotional healing seems to take a lot longer than physical healing.

            [–]Mr_unbeknownst 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This sucks. I would make a day in the future(after talking to the cunt of a ex) to set up a day just for you 2 that is not normally your day. Take the day off work, and do something AWESOME, just the guys.

            [–]Cbblitz21 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I've been in similar situations unfortunately. Could you make special plans for just the two of you next time you have him? Something he really likes to do? I know it won't be the same as the family trip but I think the one on one time would do you both some good.

            [–]LethargicMoth 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You're definitely not a shitty dad. Your son might feel hurt right now, and he's probably going through a tough time with everything happening right now, but give him time. He'll come to recognize that what transpired wasn't intentional. As someone who grew up without their father, I wish I had someone like you to care so much. And he'll see that, he will, just give him some time. You'll hug it out and everything will be okay.

            [–]anditails 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            OK, first TIFU that's made me cry.

            Dad to a 2yo here. I'll ensure this never happens to her. So, thank you.

            [–]ziku_tlf 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            "Bad communicator" sure; bad father, naw.

            I think if you can focus on giving your son (and ofc your wife and other children) love and acceptance, then you are 110% golden.

            People make dumbass mistakes, and we are all people. You didn't do malice, you didn't try to hurt people. You did stumble, but its not a uge deal.

            Work on your calm, love-based communication and your son will (eventually) realize you are simply human, and not a jerk. Probably by extension he will realize how fucked up your ex was about things.

            [–]rnambu 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Your ex-wife is entirely at fault. she's a fucking bitch

            [–]BiceRankyman 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            If your ex wife told you he didn't want to go, she's the one who made this into a conflict in the first place. That bitch owes both of you an apology. And if she took him there to wait for you, she knew exactly what she was doing, setting your ass up to fail. Fuck that noise.

            [–]RedKek16 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Don't worry man this isn't that bad of a fuck-up, my parents divorced in January and our family has always been very bad at communicating, so when they first split I was at my Mom's house for the first 6 months but my oldest sister told me everything that I haven't heard, my Mom was cheating on my Dad, my Mom spread lies through her family telling them that my Dad was the cause of the divorce and just shit talking him so they really hated him for a long time, but eventually they got his side of the story and are really pissed off at my Mom. I am now living with my Dad in an apartment and since custody and all that is really weird where I live they can't change the rules or change child support until this upcoming January. On the upside my Dad retired from the Air Force in August serving 32 active duty year and will be getting a new job that is closer to my mom's side of the family so they can help support my Dad and I while my Mom is being a psycho disloyal parent.

            I know this comment is very disorganized and doesn't really have anything to do with the story but it's good to get some of this pressure off my chest not talking about it and getting advice from strangers :P

            [–]BadAF 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            it sounds like he is pretty hurt from not being able to hang out with you.. atleast he wants to spend time with you. this will blow over. keep being a caring person, it will go a long way.

            [–]ShrutiandSpice 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            high-conflict relationship with ex wife: he takes her word for it awesome eleven year old son: he leaves him out of a family trip and doesn't clarify with him...

            Logical.

            [–]PM_Me_Somethin_Juicy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            That sucks man.

            [–]Casper562 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I grew up with separated parents. In all honestly your sons probably hurt emotionally but he'll get over it. I'm 21 now and glad I got a dad who cares about me. I had friends who's parents just left without a trace. Just adhere to it sometimes the kids just want to make their parents happy without upsetting the other parent. It's hard to balance between two separated parents.

            [–]Skarf_Ace 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            We waited in the blistering cold for you, for four hours and you just said no. that's pretty shitty man you're his fucking idol. he wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than i do...

            dont Beat yourself up man. and even if its not entirely her fault f**k your wife. First she doesnt want your son to join you out of jealousy and then shes mad you flew without him. 2-faced Person

            [–]samixon 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You're not a bad parent because of that. He will forgive you. Sorry that happened and messed up your vacation

            [–]bellwetherumbrella 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            That poor kid will remember this for the rest of his life. Please plan a special vacation with him to make up for it so he stops thinking about the day that both his parents forgot about him.

            Your ex-wife should be bitched out for leaving your child without making sure there's someone there. Your kid could have disappeared or got hurt.

            [–]Yousucksomuchgoaway 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I get the feeling that you're not a bad father, but if your son is anything like me, this is not something he's likely to forget. He will be feeling quite unwanted and wothless for a LONG time, to the point where he thinks your apologies are more to make you feel less of a shit, than because that you're sorry. The fact that his mother is likely to bring this incident up atleast once a week until she dies will add to the feelings of worthlessness and to the mistrust. You have got a LOT of work to do. Im sorry man.

            [–]freelanceflails 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I've been on the other side of this, and though it's shitty to feel like your parent doesn't care about you (or that they have a life/family and don't need you in it)-- you move on. At 23, I have so much love for BOTH of my parents knowing what they had to go through, co-parenting with someone they absolutely hated. Nobody can be a perfect parent, and as long as you acknowledge that and find a way to make your son feel loved, your relationship won't be ruined.

            [–]gootermen 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Being a bad person is more about intention in my opinion. All else will be forgiven with time. You never intended hurt anyone. The other important thing is that you truley feel bad. Any of the "bad" parents of either myself or loved ones would never admit any fault in this situation, which in turn keeps them from learning and from ever becoming a better parent. So don't worry. You're reaction to the situation means to me that in a short time, you will make up for this enough that it will be a fleeting memory for him.

            [–]lolvlol 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This broke my heart

            [–]4ArthurDent2 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Tell your ex wife she's a bitch. To her face. Then tell her she's an irresponsible bitch for leaving your son for four hours to wait for you after she knew you wouldn't be there to pick him up due to her manipulative nature.

            Seriously do it. I might get downvoted for saying this, but fucking do it. The true villain in this story should be punished in some form, even if it is harsh words.

            [–]fozzydewey 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            How could you actually leave for the trip without talking to your son first , he's not a toddler. Trying to make yourself feel better by ex bashing on here is almost as pathetic as leaving without him. Go to therapy if you're not already in it because your son is going to need it , he probably does already.

            [–]Roman_your_cousin 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Man my parents had the same dynamic. So i can imagine how your son is feeling. If it's any consolation he'll forgive you, take him out to dinner lie his favorite place and just talk to him and explain. Just have a guys time. It will blow over.

            [–]Albdruck 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Honestly, the fact that you're regretting this so much and are suffering so much from hurting your son is at least a good sign that you can make this up to him.

            Being eleven years old with divorced parents sucks. Especially when the parent you see less often proceeds to build a new family. I can only imagine how it must have looked like to your son when you basically went on vacation with your "new" family and completely ignored his messages.

            You're the adult and the parent in this relationship and it's your responsibility to keep communicating with your child, especially when your ex-wife is trying to manipulate you.

            While I'm sure your son won't forget this very soon, he also will calm down in a while- make sure that you keep trying to communicate with him. If you want to explain how the misunderstanding happened, try to do so again later on when you two can have a proper conversation about what happened. Just don't use your ex-wife as the main reason to justify your actions. Even though it sounds like she deliberately set this up, explaining this just won't sound convincing when you're trying to apologize to your son.

            [–]Monarchangel 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            You're being WAAAAAAY too hard on yourself. It's not your fault that she lied to you. Of course the kid is upset that he didn't go, but how were you supposed to know that your ex would actually drop him off?

            [–]emotigerfights -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I don't really understand. Did your ex flat out lie or did you mishear?

            [–]panic_bread[🍰] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            How could he blame you for this? This is entirely your ex's fault. Let him know exactly what happened.

            [–]Jm05478 -1ポイント0ポイント  (2子コメント)

            Does your son not realize what a shitbag his mother is?

            [–]moonshoeslol 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

            It's hard for kids to comprehend petty turmoil and he probably didn't hear their conversation on the phone. From the kid's point of view his dad left for the trip without him, without even talking to him directly.

            Don't get me wrong I feel for OP, but he really should have talked to his kid, and he'll have to live with that guilt now. Also speaking as someone who has abandonment issues, stuff like this can seed a poor mentality.

            [–]whatizzit 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            oh heck, my parents went through a nasty divorce- I'm 27 and still can barely admit to myself how bad either of my parents were sometimes. I think I've only in the last couple years really been able to properly understand and process what was really going on around me. same with my like-aged cousins, whose parents are.. shady mfer's. kids don't usually think badly of their parents unless it's really, really bad.

            [–]jroll67 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            This is a chance for you to teach him about different sides of the same story and about hindsight. You really should sit him down and make sure he's listening while you clearly explain why you believed your ex. You also need to talk to her about his behavior, and if she won't change it then you might want to get a judge involved. My parenting agreement with my ex included provisions about speaking against the other parent and doing things to sabotage the relationship.

            [–]PyNate 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            Don't beat yourself up! Just talk it all out man, you already see what you might have done wrong and just accept that it's happened! It will mean much more to everybody if it all leveled out and was taken care of, way more than a vacation!

            I can tell you really truly care about him, alot of people don't have the ability to say that :) It will be all good man

            [–]newloaf 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

            I'm also a divorced father with a difficult ex. Thanks for writing this, it's a good reminder to never let the bullshit interfere with the parenting. You understand your mistake, and I hope your son will be able to understand it too.

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