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Aspie ForeverAlone looking for improvement (self.TheBluePill)

LittleWindowpane が 投稿

Hey all! I have Aspergers and may well be too socially awkward to ever find love; how can I deal with this in a graceful manner? When people ask me about my past relationship history, it gets awkward. Also, I have difficulty talking to women in a platonic sense; they say I have no filter. It seems like a minefield every time I speak, even platonically, to a woman. Forget romantic interactions with women-I am seen as a creep when I try to show that I am romantically interested in women. I suspect that I am so awkward socially that it's...understood that I'll probably die alone, maybe friendless, and that any attempt to break out of this state is seen as being something like a used-car salesman passing off a POS as a nearly-new car.

I know that natural selection is alive and well and that it's only right that I die alone, but I do not understand why women between 20 and 40 do not like talking to me, even platonically. If they're old enough to be my mother, they feel sorry for me.

I just want to be tolerated and seen like a normal guy...I know I am dying alone due to Aspergers but I never realized that I might not be able to interact with women in a platonic sense!

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[–]witchy2628 5ポイント6ポイント  (5子コメント)

Hey- I dated a guy with aspergers for a year. You'll find the right person, just be genuine and nice.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

I need to be more genuine and nicer than the average guy as I am much worse at lying and sometimes creep people out without meaning too. I finally have a few female friends, but I have no idea how to make it known that I am interested in someone without creeping her out and getting a reputation as the "weird creeper". Once, I asked an attractive women for her phone number. She was White; I'm not. She gave me some bullshit about not having a phone (I saw it) then spread a rumor about me being a pedophile.

I gave up after that: I figure people expect me to die alone.

[–]BiggerDthanYou 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

I've studied computer science, played on some MtG tournaments and have been at some other video game events. This were basically the only times I came into close contact with guys with aspergers, but many of those that I did get to know did have girlfriends.

What I learned is that they do well if they don't try going for normal women on the street, but rather get to know them through some hobbies. If everyone around you is weird and awkward in some ways they won't shame you for it and won't think less of you.

Niches are always more accepting of weirdos because people that feel excluded from society either due to depression, not being straight or gender conforming, anxiety or being on the autism spectrum will be looking for accepting people and thus they start to group together and find a niche where they fit in.

One of the aspies I know is part of the furry fandom, another one is a LARPer, another one is part of a group that always dresses up as Star Wars characters to meet up and cosplay, etc.

How big is the city you are living in? If it is one million or bigger there should be enough people in a similar situation as you that just want to be accepted for who they are and find friends. If you find the right environment for you it's no longer a problem that you have a problem with lying, subtle hints and such because you can just introduce yourself as "hey I'm X and I've got aspergers" and they will take it into consideration and won't be sarcastic around you and will be more direct.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Not in big city.

Thanks for the advice.

I am dying to know, however: why did things get better for me after I presented myself as more or less asexual?

[–]BiggerDthanYou 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Well expressing sexuality is hard without coming off as creepy because that's mostly a dance of subtle hints. In a very condensed way it's like: She looks you into the eyes and you keep eye contact, but not too long and with a calm aura. She smiles, you smile back, she touches your arm, you hold her hand, she says she's getting tired you ask if she wants to come home with you.

Even neurotypicals struggle with flirting if they aren't experienced and don't know how to walk that fine line, but that's why it is important to find a woman that has experience with similar guys or is socially awkward herself.

Not in big city.

Then start preparing to move away. Get a job, start googling for places that could interest you and start traveling around to find a nice place to stay.

I've always been depressed and bisexual. In a small city that's like a death sentence, but in a big city there are enough people so that I don't ever have to come into contact with normal people.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ah. I guess that that is why things got better for me after I gave up on ever finding love. I do not think that I have the social skills to perceive such subtle signals and am unwilling and unable to move to the big city. I am more or less content with dying alone but want to experience the joys of romance at least once in my life, so that I know what I am missing.

Thank you so much for your time, and thank you for clearing up something that was perplexing me for so long. My family and friends do not understand what it is to seriously consider going your whole life without ever having a romantic relationship; talking about the subject's a downer and most people do not understand how that sort of thing changes a person's personality.

I guess that it's not so much a matter of "that guy's so goddamned awkward he's going to die alone" but "that guy's not sending out creepy signals...he seems decent, if secretive or gay".

[–]WestsideMoonWalkerKing of the Chadettes 2ポイント3ポイント  (3子コメント)

Are there parts of your personality that you regularly suppress? Sometimes, when I wanted to fit in, I would suppress my really derpy and silly side and that made me come off as much more awkward. Obviously that might not be true for you, but that was something I experienced.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Well, I wish that I could express the desire to have romantic relationships without being seen as creepy. I gave up on that at 19 as the social skills simply are not there. After I accepted that I was dying alone, my interactions with women got a hell of a lot better. I had female friends. People assumed that I was gay or secretive, rather than some kind of predator or creep. Other men reacted to me in a more positive manner.

Is there any reason why women respond to me better when I present myself as asexual? I identify as demisexual-a woman with a strong, blunt personality's my cup of tea! I still fear that I will die alone and do not know how to cope with this-there's no societal support out there for those of us that go through life never having a romantic relationship.

[–]WestsideMoonWalkerKing of the Chadettes 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Honestly, and this is just my guess, the reason your interactions got better is because you are probably not pressing like you used to. Being relaxed and at ease, and not seeming like you want something from them (in general) makes the other person feel much more positively about you.

If you are suppressing various components of your personality because of pre-conceived notions of attractiveness, it probably comes off as rather awkward, much worse than just letting go, even if you are naturally awkward.

In general with relationships, it's much harder to form a happy, healthy relationship if you are desperate for a relationship, validation, or the like.

[–]EvyEarthling 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

It might be that women are just more comfortable around you when you aren't hitting on them.

[–]bleheddVirtue signalling is my sexual strategy 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Duuuuuuuuude...

  1. Don't turn to a satire subreddit for self help.

  2. "I know that natural selection is alive and well and that it's only right that I die alone" sounds like depression to me. I'm not denying that the odds might be against you (they might not be as well, it's very hard to judge your own odds and you can always change them anyway), but that is the exact kind of stuff depressed people get stuck on.

  3. If you are in Australia (or a country with a universal health care system), your Asperger's diagnosis should be more than enough to get referrals to professionals who can help you with all this for cheap or free. They can teach you how to have better interactions with people, and if you are depressed they can help you feel better as well.

  4. "I know I am dying alone due to Aspergers" - You sound like everyone with Asperger's dies alone. That's not true.

  5. I hope you don't define yourself as "ForeverAlone". I've got problems myself, but when I think of how other's perceive me I know it's not as "Problems McProblemyface". "ForeverAlone" should not be part of your identity. Even if you did not have free will and your future was set in stone as never having a romantic relationship, it still doesn't help you to focus on "ForeverAlone". If you can move past it and stop dwelling on it, your life will be more enjoyable. People want to be around happy people, not people dwelling on being "ForeverAlone".

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I realized a few months ago that I am demisexual; it explained a lot of things about my attraction to women. It explained how I always had crushes on women whose personality I liked (strong, sometimes-harsh, blunt), why I was rarely attracted to women that were attractive, but whose personalities did not mesh with mine, and at least part of why I was so goddamned unsuccessful with women.

As far as dying alone: the statistics say it's roughly a coin flip for ever having a romantic relationship. I've accepted this. My biggest fear is that I will alienate all my friends and be friendless as well.

I have gotten out of most of the ForeverAlone bullshit. Their biggest problem is that they do not believe that it is possible to be happy without romance. Therefore, they stake all their happiness on finding this one person to complete them...bullshit. Utter bullshit. That means that monks and nuns live lives of misery, and that ordinary Joes and Janes that choose celibacy are utterly miserable.

There's a hell of a lot out there that makes people happy. Most of it ain't romance.