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Aspie ForeverAlone looking for improvement (self.TheBluePill)

LittleWindowpane が 投稿

Hey all! I have Aspergers and may well be too socially awkward to ever find love; how can I deal with this in a graceful manner? When people ask me about my past relationship history, it gets awkward. Also, I have difficulty talking to women in a platonic sense; they say I have no filter. It seems like a minefield every time I speak, even platonically, to a woman. Forget romantic interactions with women-I am seen as a creep when I try to show that I am romantically interested in women. I suspect that I am so awkward socially that it's...understood that I'll probably die alone, maybe friendless, and that any attempt to break out of this state is seen as being something like a used-car salesman passing off a POS as a nearly-new car.

I know that natural selection is alive and well and that it's only right that I die alone, but I do not understand why women between 20 and 40 do not like talking to me, even platonically. If they're old enough to be my mother, they feel sorry for me.

I just want to be tolerated and seen like a normal guy...I know I am dying alone due to Aspergers but I never realized that I might not be able to interact with women in a platonic sense!

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[–]witchy2628 3ポイント4ポイント  (3子コメント)

Hey- I dated a guy with aspergers for a year. You'll find the right person, just be genuine and nice.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

I need to be more genuine and nicer than the average guy as I am much worse at lying and sometimes creep people out without meaning too. I finally have a few female friends, but I have no idea how to make it known that I am interested in someone without creeping her out and getting a reputation as the "weird creeper". Once, I asked an attractive women for her phone number. She was White; I'm not. She gave me some bullshit about not having a phone (I saw it) then spread a rumor about me being a pedophile.

I gave up after that: I figure people expect me to die alone.

[–]BiggerDthanYou 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I've studied computer science, played on some MtG tournaments and have been at some other video game events. This were basically the only times I came into close contact with guys with aspergers, but many of those that I did get to know did have girlfriends.

What I learned is that they do well if they don't try going for normal women on the street, but rather get to know them through some hobbies. If everyone around you is weird and awkward in some ways they won't shame you for it and won't think less of you.

Niches are always more accepting of weirdos because people that feel excluded from society either due to depression, not being straight or gender conforming, anxiety or being on the autism spectrum will be looking for accepting people and thus they start to group together and find a niche where they fit in.

One of the aspies I know is part of the furry fandom, another one is a LARPer, another one is part of a group that always dresses up as Star Wars characters to meet up and cosplay, etc.

How big is the city you are living in? If it is one million or bigger there should be enough people in a similar situation as you that just want to be accepted for who they are and find friends. If you find the right environment for you it's no longer a problem that you have a problem with lying, subtle hints and such because you can just introduce yourself as "hey I'm X and I've got aspergers" and they will take it into consideration and won't be sarcastic around you and will be more direct.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Not in big city.

Thanks for the advice.

I am dying to know, however: why did things get better for me after I presented myself as more or less asexual?

[–]WestsideMoonWalkerKing of the Chadettes 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

Are there parts of your personality that you regularly suppress? Sometimes, when I wanted to fit in, I would suppress my really derpy and silly side and that made me come off as much more awkward. Obviously that might not be true for you, but that was something I experienced.

[–]LittleWindowpane[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Well, I wish that I could express the desire to have romantic relationships without being seen as creepy. I gave up on that at 19 as the social skills simply are not there. After I accepted that I was dying alone, my interactions with women got a hell of a lot better. I had female friends. People assumed that I was gay or secretive, rather than some kind of predator or creep. Other men reacted to me in a more positive manner.

Is there any reason why women respond to me better when I present myself as asexual? I identify as demisexual-a woman with a strong, blunt personality's my cup of tea! I still fear that I will die alone and do not know how to cope with this-there's no societal support out there for those of us that go through life never having a romantic relationship.

[–]WestsideMoonWalkerKing of the Chadettes 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Honestly, and this is just my guess, the reason your interactions got better is because you are probably not pressing like you used to. Being relaxed and at ease, and not seeming like you want something from them (in general) makes the other person feel much more positively about you.

If you are suppressing various components of your personality because of pre-conceived notions of attractiveness, it probably comes off as rather awkward, much worse than just letting go, even if you are naturally awkward.

In general with relationships, it's much harder to form a happy, healthy relationship if you are desperate for a relationship, validation, or the like.

[–]EvyEarthling 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

It might be that women are just more comfortable around you when you aren't hitting on them.