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I left my family this morning. (self.TrueOffMyChest)

waitinginseatac が 投稿

Using a new account because my husband knows my main.

This morning, I left my house for the very last time. I wrote a note telling my husband that I was safe but I would never be coming back, and went to catch my plane out of Seattle. The only things I brought were toiletries and my essentials. No clothes - I need all kinds of changes, and that includes my wardrobe. Not even a real place to stay. I've been saving for an extended stay motel for months, and to be honest, it still doesn't seem real.

I just wasn't happy anymore. I married way too young to my junior high boyfriend, and after I got my education, he decided that he wanted a child after all. We had previously decided not to have kids and I still didn't want any, but I didn't want my marriage to end, so I got pregnant. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, I thought.

But being a mother was suffocating me, even as a working parent. My daughter was a very clingy child and as much as I wanted to find it charming and cute, I couldn't. I love her, but her tantrums and carrying on and inane chatter overrides that to an extent.

My husband isn't happy either. My attitude towards our daughter has soured our relationship and we are hardly intimate anymore. He feels that I don't do as much as he does to raise her, while I feel that I am sacrificing every ounce of energy that I have to be the best parent possible. But I'm just...not good.

I wish I felt bad for leaving, but I really don't. This is the best thing I could do for myself and my family. After months of therapy and almost three years of trying/failing to like being a parent, I'm at the end of my rope. They are both better off without me.

I miss my husband so much, though. I miss what used to be between us. I can't believe I'm leaving seven years of marriage. But it's gone now, and so am I.

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[–]miaret 65ポイント66ポイント  (2子コメント)

Soon, you're going to learn a very hard lesson. You're going to find out that you didn't leave or escape the problem at all. You can't when the problem is you.

[–]CyndaquilTurd 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is a good comment imo

[–]Jarstuck 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Seconding this. She is the problem. There's really nothing else to say about her, or the situation. She just dumped everything on her husband, and the worst part is if she later decides she wants the kid the courts will probably side with her.

This is why we need equality in family courts. Women like this, who abandon people because... because what? You're not going skydiving enough? Boo hoo?

[–]That_Guy381 15ポイント16ポイント  (2子コメント)

Not the worst situation I've ever heard.

My mother runs her own law practice specializing in family law and divorce and I've worked for her on occasion.

You have to pay child support if he finds you, or risk getting your pay garnished or worse, jail time. I've seen it happen. It isn't pretty.

[–]waitinginseatac[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I don't plan on escaping child support if needed. I will do what I have to.

[–]That_Guy381 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Then you should totally be ok. I wish you luck in this new chapter in your life.

[–]too_clever_username 33ポイント34ポイント  (7子コメント)

I hope you're paying child support. Regardless of your feelings towards your daughter, you are still responsible for her.

[–]waitinginseatac[S] -2ポイント-1ポイント  (6子コメント)

I will be sorting that out soon. I will send back the money that I can until I get divorced and sever my parenting rights (if i can).

[–]too_clever_username 14ポイント15ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah, generally that's not an option unless your ex allows it.

[–]muddpie4785 3ポイント4ポイント  (4子コメント)

From your husband's point of view, the trade off for terminating your parental rights is that he must relinquish his right to require you to take partial financial responsibility for the child. I hope he is able to support the child comfortably on his income alone. However , there are any number of reasons, besides his finances, why her father may not want to pursue termination. Not the least of them might be so that the child continues to know her mother (however superficially) and her maternal ancestry. Very often, abandoned children go through unspeakable emotional hell growing up, trying to figure out who they are, and what horrible wrong they must have committed to warrant their parent abandoning them. Even the most distant connection to the missing parent would prevent a great deal of pain for the child. In any case, termination of your rights is entirely your husband's decision. You, as the sever-ee, cannot legally instigate the process.

My personal feeling-

(which bears absolutely no weight. Decisions regarding your daughter's well-being rest on you and your husband.)

-is that you need to be held responsible for her "bed and bread", at the very least. She didn't ask to be born to a mother who didn't want her. You didn't have to agree to have a child. But you had her, she's here now, and she needs all the support she can get. I believe you should be required to give your child whatever sort of support you can muster.

But that's just me. I'm sure you will do what you think is best for you. But what about your child, who can't do for herself at all?

[–]Alacritous 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

What? No. You can't ever sever your responsibility to pay child support. That's not how that works at all. The guardian parent may not require it, but that can change at any time. If their circumstances change later or even if they just change their mind, they can ask a court to require you to pay child support at any time.

[–]muddpie4785 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

My experience, in the early 1980s, was that trade-off. If he wasn't allowed to see his child, he didn't have to support him. I took the deal and ran. Maybe the laws have changed since then. (It's a long-ass story, but my ex was a complete sick-o and I'm lucky to have escaped his influence on our lives, child support or none). It was a long time ago and not in the state where OP lived with her family. The laws may differ from state to state.

I hope she does have to support that poor child.

[–]Alacritous 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

That's a very very old way of looking at it. How long ago was this? I'm 47 and my father used the same reason to stop paying my mother child support when I was 6. Now it's not looked at that way at all. Child support is not rent.

[–]muddpie4785 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

It was in the early 80s. (Gawd I'm old LOL.)

I'm glad to hear things have changed in favor of the child!

[–]devilsadvocate09 40ポイント41ポイント  (8子コメント)

Ah yes, people on reddit congratulating you on being selfish and just abandoning your family because you are too much of a coward to do it face to face.

I hope your ex husband takes you for every penny of child support he can and your daughter grows up to be a better person than you.

[–]iHeartCandicePatton 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm definitely not congratulating her, this post makes me fucking sick. Absolutely disgusting behavior.

[–]waitinginseatac[S] -1ポイント0ポイント  (6子コメント)

I hope she does, too. It is my hope that she will forget me, move on, and be a happier smarter person than I.

[–]HallandOates1 15ポイント16ポイント  (0子コメント)

So you left all your clothes in the closet, everything? He'll have to clean all that out by himself. I get that you're not happy and need to leave but shit you are totally fucking them over. I mean damn. It'd be one thing if you got a few things in order to make things easier when you up and left.

[–]TheOneWithTheRoutine 9ポイント10ポイント  (1子コメント)

Yeah, that doesn't really happen. You don't forget your mother.

Edit: just read that she's only 2, so I guess maybe she could forget you.

[–]iHeartCandicePatton 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

just read that she's only 2

Wow... makes this even more fucked up.

[–]muddpie4785 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

She won't forget you. She'll remember you in the hazy way a child remembers. She'll put you on a pedestal. She'll fantasize about you and her dad getting back together. She'll hate herself because she'll believe- even if people tell her different, subconsciously she'll always believe- that she did something so horrible that you left her and divorced her dad.

[–]simplyatomic 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

But she won't. By walking out that door she will forever be broken and wonder why. Why wasn't she enough, why didn't you love her, why why why.

[–]oss_spy 21ポイント22ポイント  (1子コメント)

Well hey at least you won't be a deadbeat father! You get to be a deadbeat mother instead! 10/10 you know how to be an adult

[–]Senray 22ポイント23ポイント  (1子コメント)

Let's all imagine the response if OP was a man. Talk about a double standard.

If you don't want kids, don't have kids. You had numerous opportunities to not have a kid including abortion and adoption. OP is fucking awful, terrible

[–]iHeartCandicePatton 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

My response would the same: OP is a fucked up person.

[–]ButcheredMX 7ポイント8ポイント  (3子コメント)

Are you planning on having any visitation with your daughter? I can understand if you want to give your husband full custody, not everyone is capable of raising children. However, you made the choice to bring this child into the world. You can't just walk away and abandon her completely. The emotional trauma you will be causing this innocent child will take a lifetime to heal. I'm sorry, but the moment you gave birth to that child...was the moment the world seized to just revolve around you and your needs.

[–]waitinginseatac[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Honestly, I don't plan on it. I will pay for her but I am hoping that I can sever my parenting rights. She is 2 so there is hope that she will move on and be happy. She will probably hate me yes but I don't expect anything less. I'm selfish but not unaware.

[–]muddpie4785 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

You are unaware of the lifelong pain you'll put your child through if you intend to forget you ever had her. She will never forget you.

[–]jombeesuncle 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Do your daughter a favor and write her a note. Be honest and put your feelings into it. With time she may come to understand.
As someone who was completely abandoned by my father it left a huge hole in my life that has and likely will never be filled. Let her know why, let her know who you were. Send her the letter or send it to your ex husband to give to her when he feels she's adult enough to read it. If she ever only gets one gift from you, this should be it.
I can't tell you how horrible it is to grow up knowing that a parent could care so little of me to not even acknowledge my existence.

[–]RubberDong 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

people can be happily divorced you know?

it is actually kind of cool.

you get to have some days for yourself.

babies are hard. I know.

I dont have one..but I have nephews. My god...My fucking God....How do people even raise children? No I know why we send kids to school.

[–]iHeartCandicePatton 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

So you abandoned your family? WTF? How are you so broken inside that you are so apathetic about your own child?

[–]ahenkel 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well the good news is your daughter is two and probably won't have formed any memories of you yet that she'll remember. People typically don't form memories before 3.

Now it becomes a two part question. Do you stay away forever and let her move on and live her life free of someone who doesn't want her?

Will your Ex-husband constantly remind her of her "mother" giving her some type of shitty abandonment complex?

[–]noluckatall 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

You can separate from your husband, but you can't run away from a child. This will be a defining moment in your life and hers. It's commensurate with the most extreme forms of emotional abuse. Many other people will have to work to repair the damage your are doing. Selfish doesn't even capture it.

[–]muddpie4785 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wish I could upvote you 100x for this!

[–]DarkestofFlames 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I strongly disagree with the way you have gone about leaving, but I understand why you did it. I have understood why some men who don't want kids end up running out on their family too. I could very easily have ended up the same way. I never wanted to have kids, ever. It's always been something I am 100% sure of. Ever since I was a teen I have had people telling me I have to have kids, as if I owe it to the world. But people easily ignore the fact that I do not want kids and know without a doubt that I'd be a terrible mother. People still tell me that I never know, I might end up being a supermom and that the mothering instinct would just come along on it's own. As if the risk of being a horrible parent is worth the gamble of a child's life.

I know better. I work in social services. I see women everyday that are terrible, abusive, and neglectful. Women who should never have kids and have no mortherly love for their children. I know I would be one of them. I was also pressured to have kids because of stupid shit like "they'd be so cute or so smart", as if those are great reasons to bring a life into this world. Nevermind the fact that those things are no guarantee. I had to end 3 separate relationships over the issue of kids. That was something I knew I would have to do because of my choice. Because yes, having kids is definitely a personal choice for most of us.

No one should ever have kids because someone else wants you to. It's one of the biggest life altering choices a person can make. I hope your family will be okay. I really feel for them. I hope your husband can move on and find happiness and I hope your kid doesn't grow up feeling unloved and unwanted, although it's doubtful. Having a parent, especially a mother, run out on you can be devastating. I can't judge you because I feel I might have done the same thing, even if it is a messed up thing to do.

[–]Fr33_Lax 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Have a drink, stare at the world, and good luck.

[–]Legendhidde 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Fuck you OP. I grew up with 2 parents, I can't imagine how much my life would be worse with one of them gone. Fuck you for abandoning your child. You make me sick.

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[–]Panderian109 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know this isn't here for us to judge each other, so I'll leave that stuff by the wayside. It must have been really bad for you to choose this as your way out. I will say this: please stay in your children's life. It hurts them to have a parent choose to leave them, and I know you wouldn't want that.

[–]ryanknapper 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I hope for the best in this situation and I honestly implore for you to work hard on living the best life possible.

If my wife walked out on me and I later found out she was still miserable I'd feel even worse because all of the suffering was for nothing.

[–][削除されました]  (7子コメント)

[deleted]

    [–]iHeartCandicePatton 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

    It's probably for the best

    No, it's not.

    [–]oss_spy 8ポイント9ポイント  (5子コメント)

    Now imagine if OP was a man and he walked out on his wife and family. Your response would be way different.

    [–][削除されました]  (4子コメント)

    [deleted]

      [–]oss_spy -3ポイント-2ポイント  (3子コメント)

      I also want to add that I never said what the OP did was -right-

      But...

      You know what though? It's probably for the best.

      Then...

      Yeah, just up and leaving is fucked up in a number of ways

      But...

      Can't live a life you're not happy with, even if it means abandoning what you've built up already.

      So was it right or not?

      [–]seacookie89 -3ポイント-2ポイント  (2子コメント)

      Here's some news for you : the world isn't black and white.

      [–]oss_spy 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

      Huh, that's a non-answer. Seems like you support OP but simultaneously support her decisions without actually supporting them, depending on how difficult it is to answer the question.

      [–]seacookie89 -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

      Well your question was, which is right? Sometimes there is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes what's best for one person may not be what's best for everyone. What's right will depend on the opinion of the person you ask.