A number of people have asked me to make a post on what gender transition – having female hormone levels, and living in society as a girl – was like.

This is no longer the case, but it is recent enough that I can quite accurately describe the process.

If this experience would be of interest to you then read on.

 

For the sake of style I’ll adopt a Socratic method, and invent an interlocutor

 

What led you to wanting to do this and thinking you were a girl?

I could spend many paragraphs answering this, and potentially only scratch the surface. In short the “I feel like a girl” line that gets thrown about so often is largely untrue. More accurate would be “I don’t feel like a guy, and am insecure in my masculinity”. Couple this with symptoms of mental illness – neuroses, isolation, shame, insecurity, lack of social functioning. Coupled with these kind of factors, over time it is very easy to hamster “I don’t feel like a guy” into “I feel like a girl”.

 

Explain the starting effects that taking estrogen has.

It takes a while for changes to happen… initially it is slow, your sex drive lowers, your skin becomes smooth and feminine, what body hair you have becomes vellus – very thin and light. The way you smell changes, and over time your facial features becomes much more feminine – a friend described this as “It’s like every time I saw you, your features were softer”.

Emotions, unsurprisingly, change a lot. Early on any aggressive tendencies go down… there are periods where you feel emotionally unstable, tearful. On some level you are going through puberty, and this can be off balancing.

 

And socially? How does that start to change?

Again that is gradual, because of all changes, physical and emotional that you are hyper aware of, you start to think people will notice the small changes In you. They mostly don’t – at first. But over time, as you become more and more feminine looking, people do treat you differently. You start overhearing comments like “Is that a guy or a girl?” “They could easily be a girl…”, people giving you scrutinising stares. At the earlyish stages – when you look very feminine, but do not yet pass as a girl – you can cause cognitive dissonance in others.

People largely, despite what SJW’s or feminism would like, treat guys and girls differently. They have different expectation, understandings, and ways of relating to someone if they are a guy or a girl. Because of this, when people cannot place you, or, even if they know you are a guy, on some level you will seem like a girl. This discrepancy can cause cognitive dissonance. Now this is not true of everyone, I’ve found that some people – and they tend to either be intelligent, or just quite confident and carefree – have little difficulty engaging with someone even if they can’t quite place them, or know exactly how to relate.

 

Did you get any abuse, or “discrimination”? In my entire time of this, early stages and beyond, I have not had one instance of actual discrimination. Very very early on a kid did say “Faggot!” to me as I walked in a store. I smiled at him and winked, and he fucked off. Beyond this though zero instances of abuse or discrimination, and I don’t even think that counts”

 

OK, That’s the start, how does it go from there?

Eventually you get to a point where you are able to pass in society as a girl. People become friendly, engaged and interested in you. Doors get opened asif by magic. I was lucky (or unlucky depending on perspective) in terms of genes and bone structure, and once my hair was long and feminine, could pass as a girl without makeup and in androgynous clothing. Over time your emotions and the way you experience them change significantly. They are more visceral, felt more fully, the highs and lows are stronger.

Because of how vivid and easily swayed your emotions can be, it becomes hard to separate emotional reality from objective reality. Your emotional empathy increases, and you start caring more about the feelings of others, wanting them to feel good about you, and you them. Cultivating a positive atmosphere and relations. Getting a grip over your emotions becomes much harder to do. At one point I was genuinely sure that stoicism was simply something I was no longer capable of.

 

What about sex and attraction? What was that like before, and did it change?

Before, I was interested in girls. I had some sexual insecurities, but ultimately my sexuality was a male heterosexual one. Over time however this also changed. The way I felt about guys started to differ. The more feminine I looked, and felt, and the more I was relating to people as a girl… the more guys went to being “Other” than me. I started to notice characteristics that I had never paid attention or even thought much about before. Guys posture, muscularity, their confidence with other guys or the way they are with women. Sometimes you will just look at a guy and have “He could do things to me…” thoughts.

Men notice and respond to you differently too. Lots of looking then adjusting hair, sometimes this seems subconscious and just an instinctive thing. Guys start to look you in the eyes more, and smile at you. Or purposeful eye contact, where you can almost feel him taking you in… sometimes a guy can do this in such a way that the dynamic between you, and his intention is so clear, and makes you feel nervous yet also thrilled.

Sex, and sexual feelings also change. The whole aspect becomes far more emotional than physical. Much more about bonding and connecting with someone, sharing something special, than “Im aroused and want to fuck//get fucked”. My suspicion is oxytocin becomes far more involved.

 

And girls?

Attraction or desire for girls didn’t go, but the effect of hormones is your sex drive mostly goes away, and with it thoughts of wanting to fuck them. That coupled with a change in perspective on how you relate to girls just changes the whole dynamic.

Girls also started to have a change in their attitude, lots of looking and smiling, some give IOI’s (I think girls are not so much unattracted to feminine looks as they are feminine behaviours, and I was attractive, with good posture and social confidence) but some also perceive you as a threat, and do the “glance your way, then brush their hair out with their hand purposefully looking away” thing.

 

But even with all this, you are still male. Still raised as a guy, with XY chromosomes, sure this may change some things but you can’t just turn into a woman from taking a few pills and changing your socialisation

Indeed. I was not, and did not become a woman. Just as striking as the things that did change are possibly the amount that didn’t change. Intellectually I am and was the same person. My interests in technology, psychology, philosophy, politics and world affairs did not change. The way (most) women talk to each other quite frankly is mind numbingly tedious, and I had little to no interest in engaging in it. My friendships stayed the same, although the way they related to me differed. Many have since told me how surprised they were at how quickly they came to think of me as a girl. After going back to living as a guy they would still use my female name, and “she” etc. for quite a while.

Neither did my sense of humour change at all, apart from possibly liking dark or offensive comedy less than I did.

Another difference I’ve noticed is that women power talk as a default setting. Now I can power talk, and frankly am pretty fucking good at it when I want to, if you want to succeed in this world and see the subtext behind people’s interactions then you need to understand it. But I personally prefer to talk honestly and openly when I can, and when the situation suits. For women this is not the case.

So to surmise, yes estrogen, and living as a girl, has some quite profound effects on your emotions, mentality, sexuality, your body. But that is the extent of it, you are still male, just frankly a very feminised one. My core personality, intellectual self and – now – projection for who I am and who I want to be, remained aligned far more with men than women.

 

What made you stop, and go back to living as a guy?

This started slowly, you have thoughts like “I am not sure this is right for me”... “I don’t even fully feel like or relate to girls”. Then you get to the "I am not sure this is right for me" stage. And consider the idea that you were mistaken. Try to assess as accurately as you can your psychological state before starting, and you realise "Ok I was mentally not well..". You have a breakdown... not even sure who you are any more... don't feel like a guy at all, but also don't fully feel like a girl... confused, afraid etc.

Eventually you assess it over... get a grip and realise you were mistaken. But then you have this strange situation where your emotional, sexual and mental self are very woman-like. Your recent life experiences are all as a girl. And you are meaning to journey back to being a guy. But you don't really yet feel that way. Estrogen has drastically changed you lots of ways.

 

From here is where self-improvement – perspective and taking back control over your life come in. Meditation, journaling, pushing yourself outside your comfort zones. Gradually embracing aspects to yourself that are male, minimising or culling submissive, beta traits and encouraging those aspects in you that are confident, assertive, risk-taking, independent.

 

The stage I am at now is actually one I am sure many here people can easily relate to. A guy setting out to become fucking invincible, self-actualised and a stronger person. My path getting to this point though has been unusual, to say the least.