Newly married, spouse disclosed her debts... Suggestions/Advice appreciated. Long-ish.

isobee · 3時間前

Hello folks,

By and large, great discussion thus far. We're anticipating a lot of visitors that aren't familiar with /r/personalfinance and our rules, so please do check those out.

With respect to this topic, please focus on the specific financial questions asked, along with the financial behaviors and financial habits of a married relationship. Please refrain from predicting their marriage longevity / future relationship based on the limited info you see above. Thanks!

waterbuffalo750 · 5時間前

I'm a little more traditional than a lot of PF, so keep that in mind with my advice.

You should have discussed this before you were married. That's on both of you, but it's not something that can be changed now.

Once you're married, you've combined every aspect of your lives. You don't make 58k, and she doesn't make 41k. You now have a household income of 99k. So now it doesn't matter who pays back the savings account, because it's all household money. You sound like a guy who already has a budget figured out, rework that budget as a combined budget, and save whatever fits into the new budget.

whydoitnow · 5時間前

My answers (married 30+ yrs): 1. Pay it off only if you still have a good emergency fund available. 2. Since you cut up the card, no need to cancel the account. 3. There is nothing wrong with this approach as long as you don't make it seem like a punishment. If you do then it will breed resentment and result in lots of other issues. 4. People make mistakes and you have to forgive her, if you want your marriage to work. It doesn't mean that it will happen overnight. You have to communicate regularly so that she understands that more than the money this is about honesty and trust. She broke your trust in her and it takes time to repair.

The best way forward is to build a budget together and agree on future goals (like saving for a house). Agree on the big items and leave some money for each of you to spend freely. Some folks make an agreement that if anyone wants to buy something over a certain amount (say $300), then they need to discuss it together. Have monthly budget meeting to discuss how the spending went last month and the plan for the next month (bring wine - it usually helps!). As you start to do this together, you will begin to build back the trust! Good luck!!

ciyank · 4時間前

Coming at this as both a married man, and a private banker.

You have to be careful with this, its almost seems like you have more of a relationship issue than a financial issue.

For starters, 17k of debt with your combined income, whilst steep, and a big issue, isn't in my opinion, a 'financial emergency'. Throwing around those terms should be saved for things like bankruptcy, home foreclosure, etc. You shouldn't be making her feel worse than she already no doubt does by using terms like this.

What you're really at risk of here is making her resentful of you. If you come across like this, it can be seen as VERY condescending, almost like your treating her like a financial idiot/child (she may be, but you'll learn to pick your battles). Trust me, that's not going to bode well for your marriage.

Also, like others have said, this is something that shouldn't of come as a surprise. You are a TEAM now. This should of been discussed before you got married, that's both your faults. You don't have separate income, your income, finances, credit is now joined, especially in banks and the governments eyes.

You have to make sure you approach this issue together, make it seem like decisions are group decisions. If you start dictating financial decisions to her because you view yourself as the financially 'superior' party, you're going to piss her off. She didn't marry you (hopefully) because she was looking for a father figure to tell her what to do.

I think you're very prudent tackling this problem with your JOINT savings, just be mindful of her, TELLING her to do things like transfer $500 a month is going to piss her off more than making it seem like a group choice. Marriage is a partnership.

Re the student debt, if it wouldn't cripple you, I'd pay it off, but I don't know what level of savings you'd be left with, so cant fully advise on that.

Best of luck either way.

Edited to add: there's probably an element of your relationship you suck at compared to her. Imagine how you'd feel if she highlighted your faults in a condescending manner.

PFPrivacy · 2時間前

Update:

Thanks to everyone for all of the helpful and positive advice. I started trying to respond to every comment that I found particularly helpful, but quickly realized that there was no way I could compose thoughtful responses fast enough to respond to everyone.

I took a lot of the responses into consideration and came up with the following game plan, the wife and I will go over it tonight:

The next steps (thanks to help from /r/personalfinance):

1) I will transfer the money over to immediately pay off the remaining $8,XXX.XX of the student loan. We do not want to keep paying interest here.

2) We will go have her added to my current checking account as a joint tenant and have the account become OUR account.

3) We will keep her credit card open, but maintain a $0 balance on it at all times.

4) PF helped a lot with deciding what to do here: Instead of monthly payments into the new account, we will just be saving that money in OUR account instead. It will replenish quickly without monthly CC payments and interest being paid out. After all, we're in this together, and it's all our money anyways. I don't know if part of me thought a payment plan would be a good lesson, but that strategy needed to change.

5) Establish detailed budgeting to ensure that we know where our money is going, and so that we can start building towards future goals together.

A particular thanks to those of you who have given helpful advice in regards to making responsible financial decisions in a way that continue to grow my relationship with my wife. Those are the kinds of things that I really needed to hear right now, and probably the exact types of answers I was reaching for with questions 3 & 4 of my original post. Some of you truly do understand what commitment to a marriage is.

Once again, thanks for all of the helpful advice. I'm still enjoying reading the comments, but I just wanted to share the plan that ya'll helped me come up with.

CripzyChiken · 5時間前

1) if you have the money after keeping some back for an eFund - YES. 8% is high. But make sure she knows that you, as a couple, are having to give up your annual vacation this year and next year to cover the cost. So if you, as a couple, still want it, then we need to repay the savings account before we can buy the tickets. Or use some other event that will directly impact both of you (upgrading cars, buying a house).

2) leave the card open. Set up a small reoccurring payment (like Netflix or your electric bill) and then set up autopay. That way it won't get shut down either.

3) this is pushing to /r/relationships, but start to understand the difference between "her paycheck" and "our paychecks". Yes, these are 'her' past mistakes, but "you as a couple" are going to work together to address them and fix them. But I have no problem with "the couple" giving up $500/month to build for the future.

4) Nope, marriage is like that sometimes. you do things that are best for the marriage, even if it isn't the best for you personally. Go post on /r/relationships to get more advice on dealing with this though. Main relationship advice to give: don't be afraid to pull in a marriage councilor before this eats away inside. Cheaper than divorce!

5) other advice: Pull her credit report and check that (and yours while your at it). Make sure nothing was forgotten/missed, not that she is still hiding something, but its better to be safe than sorry. Also, get on a written budget for a year or so to help show her that living within your means is doable and still allows for fun, just has to be planned better.

Chuck_Peligro · 2時間前

I am having a hard time mentally moving past the fact that it took me so long to save that $17K... I love and trust my wife, and I am committed to her. I know that paying off the debts was the best decision, but I can't help but dwell on the fact that I feel like I made it too easy and non-consequential for her. This feels like an unhealthy mindset. Any guidance for me?

It's natural for you to feel this way. Anyone who tells you otherwise here is full of shit. Like you said, you have love and trust in this relationship, and getting news like this betrays some of that trust. You may have made it easy for her, but it's hardly non-consequential. This marks the beginning of your financial life together. There's no more spending money (beyond an agreed-upon budget) behind the other spouses back. My wife and I have a Mint account together where we can track all of our finances; we have no secrets. I recommend you do the same. Remember, consequences don't have to be punitive, and I am sure your wife feels a lot of shame right now, as she should. In the end, you'll all be better off.

noonecaresyourevegan · 1時間前

Waiting until after you're married is a great time to learn about important things such as your spouse's financial situation. Unreal.

Kassing · 3時間前

Just posting to give you some perspective:

I'm 30 y/o, I make 36k a year with 0 student debt. Fiancee is 31 y/o making 37k a year with $154,000 in student debt.

We live with her mom to put rent towards the cost of her student loans and have been doing it for the last year and 3 months.

I'm still going to marry her, and we're going to work through this debt.

$17k in cc debt and $8k in student loans is a drop in the pond compared to some of the massive amounts of debt I see on PF.

Crustacean_Station · 2時間前

I agree with you that she's getting off a little easy here but it is not beneficial to "punish" or resent her for it. This should've come up a while ago but it's good you're at least discussing it now.

You're getting a lot of good financial advice but I'd like to at least talk a little bit about relationship advice.

She did not want to disclose this to you for some reason. Her reasoning is that she hadn't told you for the past few months because she thought it would stress the relationship.....how long have you been together because it does not take a few months to rack up $17k in debt. This information has likely been kept to her self from day one.

There could be a bunch of reasons and I doubt it was malicious but to your budget it is parasitic when someone is scared to tell their partner about spending habits. If you do put her on a budget you can probably expect some resentment from her in a couple of years when this payoff event is water under the bridge and you still keep her on a budget.

My advice for you is to do your best to show her how to manage money but also the result of good money management. Show her how unnecessary it is to spend thoughtlessly. This is best done by going with a cheaper product/service of equal or marginally lesser quality.

Ex) target pocket book or used designer brand versus brand new $400 bag from designer.

The two of you need to work as a team and if one person is scared to disclose information of any kind to the teammate you're in trouble as a couple.

4時間前

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cytbot · 5時間前

1) I think you should keep your remaining savings as an emergency fund and just pay down the student loan as fast as possible with incoming income.

2) Don't cancel the remaining credit card, but what you do with it depends on how much you trust your wife. On one hand, if you don't think your wife can be trusted with money, just keep the credit card somewhere where she cannot get it. On the other hand, in the long run, you do want to be able to trust your wife with money, so maybe keep it with her with strict instructions on what she can use it for and monitor it frequently.

3) This is totally fair and I think it will teach her to budget for saving in the long run. After she "repay" the investment account, get her to put the $500 away in an investment account for retirement. DO NOT brush this off as lesson learned.

4) It is very fair for you to feel that way since she should have revealed that to you while both of you were engaged (and this is speaking as a 28 y/o married woman). You need to make sure she understands how her financial decisions affect not only her life now, but also your life and your future family if you choose to start one. Honestly, I have seen financial issues kill so many of my friend's marriages. Have you had a heart to heart talk with her about how you FEEL about the situation? I think lots of communication is necessary here to make sure that (1) she understands that you love her but you expect her to be responsible with her finances, (2) she needs to earn back your trust when it comes to her and money.

uuberuuber19 · 5時間前

Dude, bravo. You're not screwing around. That's great.

1) Well, you have pretty much killed most of your debt. Since this is the last thing, I wouldn't take anything else out of savings. But look at the cost of doing so vs. the amount of money (interest) extra you'll put towards that debt.

In my opinion, this is a gray area where she's your wife and you guys are one but you single-handedly took care of her mess. So, would it make sense to talk with her about her own personal payment plan that you could help her manage? Don't wanna sound crass or anything, but it would definitely help her learn PF 101/budgeting skills she should've learned a long time ago.

Basically, I wouldn't want you to throw thousands of dollars to finance her symptoms and not her illness.

2) Nah, don't cancel it. Don't use it anymore, but don't cancel it. You may or may not get different opinions on this one.

3) Not entirely should what you're asking. Personally, I would kill the debt off first. Throw money at that with her paycheck. If you guys could live off of one paycheck and kill the debt with the other, you're not looking at a very long life time of that loan. I'd say, being super duper aggressive, 6-8 months.

4) Yeah, this is a tough pill to swallow. But you are making it easier for you guys to progress into the future. This will definitely be a learning experience for both of you. Since you are more financially adept, work out a plan for her and stick with it. And know you're also working towards your future as well.

As for spending that money, I'm sure it took you a while to do so. But imagine how little time it would take for BOTH of you to save that money with NO debt whatsoever. Throwing away money sucks. But you didn't throw it away. You helped your progression immensely.

EDIT: ohhh for number 3, the repayment plan is repaying you. wow. gotcha. absolutely do not brush this off. that is incredibly fair.

cda555 · 4時間前

I think her saving $500 a month in more than reasonable... I mean, her minimum payments had to be pretty close to that anyway. You are a good husband. She was probably terrified to come clean, and your reaction made it so that she won't be scared to be honest in the future.

Mehnard · 4時間前

OP is making 58k and the wife is making 41k. She moves in with her new husband. He pays everything he was already paying for. Virtually all of her paycheck goes toward the debt. Set aside enough to cover a car payment if there's one, and a little bit for walking around money. It's not a punishment, just an aggressive approach to get out of debt.

The $25,000, including the student loan, should be cleared up in less than a year with no hardship. Get the preferred credit card back and learn to use it responsibly. In today's society, it's not practical to function without one.

MyShitlordLife · 2時間前

4) I am having a hard time mentally moving past the fact that it took me so long to save that $17K... I love and trust my wife, and I am committed to her. I know that paying off the debts was the best decision, but I can't help but dwell on the fact that I feel like I made it too easy and non-consequential for her. This feels like an unhealthy mindset. Any guidance for me?

Budget in a marriage counselor. You're going to need it to get past these feelings in a healthy way. You got strait up lied to by the woman you love, that's bound to leave some marks.

r00t1 · 4時間前

Make sure you check her credit report because there is a good chance she is hiding even more debt.

nothinglefttouse · 4時間前

I feel like I made it too easy and non-consequential for her. This feels like an unhealthy mindset

^{^} this feels like an unhealthy mindset to me. Your spouse is your equal, your partner (or they should be). I guess I understand her fear of disclosure and what your reaction would be. You're her husband, not her parent.

HenryTCat · 3時間前

Hi guy, I'm not a finance expert but I do have personal experience with this - my husband is much, much better than I am at managing money. When we got married two years ago, it was more rough around the edges - too much money, not enough plan. His plan for shaping us up was great. I did have to give up a lot of my previously-required girl stuff, but it's been great to do that.

In the beginning I had a lot of trouble with it, but working on things together and striving for smaller goals was the best thing for us although we did not suffer big-time to do it...I learned by doing it a step at a time, over and over, consistently, for a couple of years. And now I am able to see how incredibly valuable it is that I contribute to our financial health rather than being a drain, so I do it gladly. But he had to be patient with me while I learned this thing that came so naturally to him. It's one of the ways he made me a better person - not with lectures and punishment, but by example, with grace and strength.

My advice: Be gentle with your wife. She's a human being just like you who didn't have the incredible benefit of being naturally good with money, and you can definitely help her, but it will never work if you punish, condemn, or hurt her over this.

Don't be resentful. Look at the $17k as an incredible gift you were able to give your marriage to make you guys stronger together. You'll accomplish much more together than you will separately.

Of bigger concern to me than the money, which is just a discipline issue, is that she didn't tell you. That's a trust issue. You have got to work to gain your wife's trust, and she has got to work to trust you. Part of this will be her believing that you aren't going to punish/hate/leave her, and part will be that love motivates her to do the right thing because it will be best for both of you guys. Women need reassurance almost more than we need love.

You're in this together, dude. You have just promised her that only death would separate you. I think your solution was amazing, you're doing the right thing, and you should feel good about it. Why shouldn't you make things too easy on the person you love? You know you'll get back to a better position very soon. And your act of love will motivate her to be better. If it doesn't, get a counselor sooner rather than later.

Wishing you every happiness, Jen

KT_ATX · 2時間前

She had debt and handled it poorly. She should have disclosed it to you before the wedding but didnt. From what youve described, she seems truly sorry for not doing so. She's now merging finances with you, taking advantage of your advice and knowledge, and doing what you ask to make things right. I cant think of anything else she could do to show that she knows she messed up and wants to make it right. What you do next with your finances should not be about punishing your wife or making her pay for her mistake- only about helping her learn what she needs to in order to make a better choice next time.

Many couples treat finances differently, from splitting things right down the middle, splitting things at a cost relative to their income, both paying into a "family" account, or merging assets and debt equally. Each way has its plusses and minuses but you and your wife should be on the same page for what works for the both of you. Personally, I think considering it all "family" money/debt is best because it prevents one partner from spending money far differently than the other and in doing so, causing resentment and distress.

If you guys decide on an aggressive savings plan, work it into your total budget and decide on an amout that will either come from both of you or from the "family" account. Go over that budget with your wife and include her in the process. This will help her learn and also reduce any frustrstion on her part about how you spend money. It should also show her that while you expect her to be transparent with her finances, you will do the same with yours.

Cr3X1eUZ · 1時間前

Get an annulment (not a divorce). It's only going to get worse from here.

carelessbannedmycock · 58分前

First off from what you've said it sounds like you were married after only knowing this person for a few months. Wtf. Also as other have pointed out why the heck did you not bring up money before getting married!? Also why the fuck to people get married then just combine all their money into a pot? Why is there ever an "our" money concept. Repulsive. Sounds like you fucked up and married a finically irresponsible person and now you're going to pay it off for her, chump. Also she totally knew what she was doing in not telling you. Marry a man with money who will pay off my debt. You got played son.

pepdavies · 41分前

I was in a very similar situation when I married my first wife. I had no debt, she had around £20000 in store card debt. We got a joint bank loan at a fairly low rate to manage the repayments. We've been divorced 6 years and I'm still paying it off. She hasn't paid a penny since we split. The bank won't chase her as I earn more and she can always stop me seeing my kids if I demand money from her. I'm not doing that again lol

jessherr15 · 5時間前

1) At 8.5%, I would get rid of that student loan debt ASAP if you have the cash on hand.

2) I wouldn't cancel her cards, but she probably shouldn't carry any around in her purse until she learns how to use them responsibly.

3) I think the "repayment" plan your describing sounds like an OK idea, but you need to look at in in the context of her entire budget to see if its too strict. How does $500/paycheck compare to what she was paying to service her debt?

4) I went through something similar with my husband -- used my hard-earned savings to bail him out of silly CC debt. I felt kind of bitter about it for a while. But at the end of the day, we are a team, and wiping out the debt ASAP was the best decision for us as a team. You can't go back and make your wife not get into debt, but you two can work together now and going forward to make the best financial decisions possible.

Asteroth555 · 4時間前

That's slimy...Waits until she's married to tell you her debts

I would honestly put money away every month without telling her, as your own personal emergency fund. It doesn't sound like she can be trusted with finances, and he sleaziness makes me uncomfortable and distrustful.

but I can't help but dwell on the fact that I feel like I made it too easy and non-consequential for her.

Maybe i'm a cynic and generally don't trust people, but it straight up sounds like she married you knowing you'd fix her debts and she's going to dump you once you fix her problems.

For my own edification, is it viable to contact a lawyer about this so the male can have some legal defense if his spouse decides to divorce him a year later and grab 50%? Assuming they didn't sign a prenup

cmcg1227 · 5時間前

I think you reacted very well considering the circumstances. Obviously too late now, but this is why couples should have these types of conversations BEFORE getting married (PSA to non-married couples now). My SO and I know each other's financial positions fully - I've seen the balances in his bank accounts, I've seen his credit card statements, I've seen his credit report (so I would be able to see if he had any accounts open that he wasn't honest about - he didn't) and visa versa.

What I think is really important now is that she not only gets a crash course on credit cards, but that you two sit down and set a budget and stick to it! This is joint money now, but if she needs to cut back on her spending to allow for that extra 500 transfer to savings, she's going to need a REALLY detailed budget. She's probably used to random spending where you aren't, and that will be a struggle for her. Its great that she no longer has the credit cards to be able to spend, but I'm more concerned about the $500 - without some serious lifestyle adjustments she probably won't be able come up with that money.

Assuming that this whole "living within your means" thing is new to her, you'll need to be sympathetic during this time, but also really encourage her to stick to the budget. What I mean by sympathetic, is that if she complains/moans about not being able to buy X, that you say something along the lines of "yeah, it sucks. I always want to buy Y as well. Budgeting can really suck sometimes." Maybe also include, "I really think these sacrifices now will pay off in the future." DO NOT SAY something along the lines of "well we can't afford it." or "just don't buy it." I know from being on the receiving end of these comments that they suck. She already knows those things and absolutely doesn't need to hear them.

I suggest having her set up her direct deposit to put $500 from every paycheck directly into that account. When you make the budget, just exclude that $500 - like withholding taxes! She now makes $6k less per year than she used to.

Good luck!

clutchied · 2時間前

Just an FYI, she's done it once... she will probably do it again. I might consider running credit reports every 6 months or so.

Also you might consider letting her know that you'll be running reports so she doesn't think she can hide it.

I'd pretty upset about this honestly...

philasurfer · 4時間前

Just to make you feel better, I had almost an identical situation, minus the credit card debt.

It was partly my fault for not asking about her debt, and partly her fault for not telling me, before we were married 10 years ago.

Regardless, we made a plan similar to yours, and that debt is long gone, we have bought a house, and are well on our way to saving for retirement. It was a lesson learned on all sides, but with a good plan and communication, this will be a blip in your long term plans.

When I look back, Im just happy we caught it early and nipped it in the bud.

RhisorHier · 4時間前

You will end up feeling taken for granted. That 17k will be a drop in the bucket compared to all the time and money you will spend until you leave her. How can you go through life now without that constant thought that you put down 17k for her? She isn't going to kiss your boots or thank you left and right until she pays you back(which I'm guessing would be impossible based on her money skills). You will forever think you've put more than her into the relationship. Based on your giving nature and her lack of not caring that she owes SERIOUS money, I'm guessing you generally do more and care more about the relationship. All I can say is that I'm sorry that it's happening to you. Love is great, but it can make you feel terrible based on the things you do from it. Unless your wife takes a second job with a second bank account and has a pay back plan to return every single cent, you're in for rough roads.

BatteryLicker · 4時間前

Going forward, I would recommend sitting down together to establish a budget and financial plan (reference the FAQ, establish short and long term goals). Then plan on sitting down for a quick review every month to make sure everything is on track (bills paid, expected spending, little bit extra towards savings/debt, etc). Both of you need to be aware of your financial situation, agree upon goals, and work on them together.

I'm not sure how you're combining finances, we have everything go into shared 'family' accounts (covers all bills, debts, savings) and then transfer an equal percentage to personal checking accounts for fun money to spend however you want.

Once the two of you have agreed upon a financial plan, use it to determine your approach to paying off debt, saving, retirement, etc.
We use one shared credit card for the majority of expense, but kept one each as a backup/emergency line of credit. Credit cards get paid in full every month.
Don't call it "repayment." With the credit card debt gone, "we can increase our savings rate with the goal of having a down-payment for a house." Work on it together.
Be proud your responsibility allowed you to get your family on solid financial footing by eliminating high interest debt. Congratulations! Celebrate when you hit a major financial milestone. Change your mindset from "I did this and she owes me" to "I was able to do this for us [chest thump]"

Ihavenoprincipals · 4時間前

Good on you for immediately acting in the best interest of the two of you instead of your own. As a newly married person, I see it as both a great first step and a bit of a red flag.

If you didn't know about her credit card debt it may be time to really get to know how she spends money. To do that, you will also need to be 100% open with how you spend money. There is a lot of good advice on here already, so I will just add that her habits may not change overnight. If you can't accept her current spending habits you need to know how she feels towards her spending and work towards adjusting it in a non-confrontational way.

There may be times down the road when she may have the only income, or you may have the only income. You both need to be aware and prepare for that. Ask her "how will we get by if I lose my job?" Explain to her your plan if she loses her job. Same goes for kids. Your finances will completely change if kids enter the picture.

premejo · 4時間前

As long as you took care of the high interest loans, I'd say you've done plenty. Might be good to let her continue paying off the student loan (should help build credit history, and less cash in hand to blow). Allowing her to pay back $17k without interest is going to save her a LOT. I'm not sure of the details about the down payment, but to be fair, that $17k is still your money and that down payment would not be considered one she has helped with (but I don't know all the details). Just my thoughts.

Micotu · 3時間前

Wife had about 9k in cc debt. I was surprised that she would have let it get that high. Apparently she had a lot of friends get married and had to spend a lot on bridesmaid dresses/travel etc. I couldn't really complain much though as I had about 140k in student loan debt, but it was justifiable as it was from dental school.
I had a bit of money saved up by the time we were married and we immediately paid off her cc debt. We then got YNAB and started tracking every expense and putting it in a category, and then decided what areas we needed to trim back on. Our restaurant budget was definitely too high. We also had a category for each of us on personal spending. This is just for anything we don't really need but also included clothes. We now have it set at $175/month per person. Our checking account is our emergency fund and as it is a performance checking account, gets 1.04%. Every month when i get my paycheck, whatever amount of money over $30k is in the acount, is the amount I pay extra towards my student loans. sometimes it's an extra $5k, sometimes it's only $1k or nothing at all. but we normally have a bit left over each month to add to my loans. I would suggest doing the same with her loans. My wife had a few hangups at our income disparity, but basically I tried to have her understand that we are a team, and that we each make half of our total income, instead of her viewing it as me making 90% of it and her 10%.

syro23 · 3時間前

Get her on board with your goals and allow her to make decisions as well so she doesn't feel like she is being punished. The $500 out of each paycheck sounds a bit like a punishment and you don't want her to resent you. Make it a team effort.

iamnoraa · 2時間前

Allow her put into practice all that you've taught her by making her pay her student loan. Don't use your savings unless it's a medical emergency.

crunkadocious · 2時間前

I think that the 500 a month thing works out great, and that you plan to use it for a home (which both of you would obviously own) makes it less of a "she owes me" and more of a "we owe ourselves, I'll pay half now you pay half later" kind of thing. As long as she's cool with it it's not strict or overbearing. And also as long as you continue to save as well!

TheRiskyB · 1時間前

Hi Op, I think you did the right thing. I do think now that you are married, all your problems and finances become one. I would call the repayment plan a harsh word/term in general. You chose to pay that off for her because you love her. You could have tackled the debt together, instead you can now tackle savings together.

She is obviously going to need has a spending account for fun/personal maintenance with limits. Make sure you listen to her:)

Good luck!

Patent_Tro11 · 1時間前

Keep the positive attitude and good luck to both of you! re: 1) Student loan interest rates are lower than any other kind. Don't pay those off unless would still have excess liquidity afterwards. Also look into loan forgiveness. Many occupations held for a specific number of years qualify borrowers for federal student loan forgiveness - Look it up. re 2) Cancelling cards is a better plan than just cutting them up. Lenders periodically send out new cards you might be unaware of until a statement somehow finds its way to you (from personal experience). re 3) Your incomes are now combined as others have posted. Work on a mutually agreed budget - Get a financial counsellor to help with this. re 4) Budget with a goal to retire the highest interest debts while setting aside enough to cover unexpected bills and emergency purchases. If this doesn't go far enough re-budget later for more. Don't be surprised or discouraged if your skills, values and related sacrifices in this area (or any) are under-appreciated. People are very different and change slowly if at all from the way they are raised.

Aebrams · 1時間前

This seems like nothing compared to the student loans my wife accumulated....

Results_Matter · 50分前

That's not much debt, and what you make now is probably the least you'll ever make anyways. Get busy, focus on your career, get a promotion, make a few bucks, and move on. If you think a surprise credit card debt is scary, wait until you have a kid, buy your first house and find out there's a leak, etc. This is called life sir. You two will be fine. Good luck.

Shadow14l · 34分前

That's literally nothing. You could pay it off casually in a couple years. If you really tried hard, you probably could pay it off in less than a year.

Traveled_in_Time · 4時間前

How long have you been married?

She cannot learn a life lesson when you bail her out. The best course would have been for you to required her to put 100% of her salary towards her debt.

pinks1ip · 2時間前

It sounds like your wife did have a fairly sound financial plan in place- get you to fix her debt after you're married. So in that sense, she has executed on her personal finances pretty well. I wouldn't look at her situation like she didn't know what she was doing.

As for getting her to not spend more than she earns: my wife also had no sense of budgeting from her teens into her mid twenties, but I was around (before we were married) to prevent an avalanche of debt. Your wife can learn, as long as she accepts the costs/consequences of her choices. Can't be getting nails and hair done every month when you owe people money.

Show her the sacrifices you'll both have to make (on a spreadsheet, perhaps) to pay off this debt and how it will push back other goals. Chip away at it. Start with the largest interest, consider consolidating. Talk to a CPA about filing tax returns jointly versus separately and how her debt will affect this.

And I hate to say it (especially being you're still in the honeymoon phase), but the reality is you should document all of this. It sounds like you two were not together long before getting married; if it turns out she was just using you to clean up her debt/credit, keeping records of this could save you a ton of money in the unfortunate (but statistically probable) event of a divorce.

bhavnagrieater · 1時間前

She basically married you to siphon money from you.End of the story.Good night.

evilcheerio · 4時間前

From a personal finance prospective paying off high interest debts is a good thing. You might need some /R/relationship help too. You're out 17k and she just lost a huge amount of Independence to get it her debt under control. You guys need to talk about the whole situation more now that the financial side is solved.

missmoneypennymaam · 3時間前

It sounds like you have the right idea.

A few thoughts:

Congrats for saving enough to take care of the emergency. This is one of those things people use their savings for. Especially considering you have already used it to pay the credit off, I'd let it go. There is nothing to be gained from missing it.
I think a repayment plan is great, BUT--since she is new to this, and you are both new to being married to each other, it's important that you trust her to pay it back on her own. I would advise against babysitting the account, or checking in on it. Also, she should keep one of her cards open and available. Not only is it good for credit purposes, but she needs to know she is choosing to make the right decisions, and has ownership in that. Just let her make those decisions, and focus the budgeting discussion elsewhere.
Leave the student loans for now. Set up autopay for the required monthly, and let it hang out for a bit. Give her time to decide what SHE wants to do with it, after you guys have had the new budget for a bit. You guys are partners, and both parties should feel ownership.
It's ultimately not up to you to develop her financial character. She's come to you, you've offered help, and you have to give her time to settle into a new mindset. If she doesn't realize the consequences, good or bad, to financial decisions, that is not something you can control regardless. But you won't find out right now. She's gonna make newb mistakes, things you super know already, but still. Let the new system breathe for a bit. Lead by example. Choose activities within her budget. Be kind. You guys got this.

slidewithme · 3時間前

My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years, and we only started combining finances when we had kids (about 2.5 years ago). Until then, we split everything 50/50. Now, he works full time, I work part time, and we just wing it when it comes to money. :)

These are my answers based on my opinions/experience:

Only if you would still have a healthy emergency fund available - at least, 3 months of expenses. That's a tight emergency fund, but workable.
There's no need to cancel the card if you shredded it. In fact, canceling it could damage her credit. Monitor the account, but no further action is required there.
This is entirely dependent on how you both feel about it. Does she feel put-upon? Does she feel like you're being totalitarian? Talk to her. For this and everything ever in the future of your marriage, talk to her. Based on this conversation, either keep this plan or form a new one. If you can't form a new one, I highly recommend couple's counseling. It can help you work out financial issues, too.
I agree with you here; there needs to be some sort of repercussion on her end. However, you are her spouse, not her parent. I personally like the option of having her pay back into the savings account, and then that money going toward something that benefits the both of you (a house). Again, please talk to her in depth about this. Ask her how she feels, and ask her to be honest. Tell her not to take your feelings into account, but rather simply verbalize her own.

This last bit is getting off topic, so /r/relationships might be helpful to you.

Sceerr · 1時間前

The sick fucked up thing here is she likely identified that this man would pay her debt for her prior to marriage and it was a reason to carry on with the marriage.

He gave her thousands of hours of his life so her frivolous life style went unpunished. That is the biggest shame, just think about all the days he drudged through a day just so she could buy her and her friends coffee and dinner,etc.

Its a lesson to anyone, monogamy is fantastic and healthy but people,even your loved ones aren't free of skeletons. Legally binding yourself takes you down with them, that's selfishness on the offending party and never appreciated...to bail them out time and time again should be considered abuse.

aisforaaron1 · 5時間前

You make it sound like you two have separate accounts and keep your money separate. Like I mentioned in another thread here, I think that's a bad idea, for the very reason you mentioned in the end. You shouldn't have to put your wife on some sort of repayment plan. You shouldn't even expect to be "paid back" for paying off her debt, even if that money will be used on a down payment for a house for both of you. I think saving the $500 every paycheck is great if you can afford it, but it shouldn't be treated like she's paying you back.

I also think she should have been up front about her debt before you got married. But she wasn't, so you're in the situation you're in. You paid off the debt, and I think that was the right decision. You're married now and you should be in this together.

Edit: But to answer your question, if you have enough to pay off the student loan and still have 3-6 months of expenses saved up, then I think you should do that. As for the credit card, personally I would cancel it. My wife and I don't have any credit cards, and I don't see the point in keeping a credit card account open that you will never use for the sake of keeping it on your credit.

You just have to make sure you and your wife are on the same page about finances. My wife was terrible with money before we got married, but I talked to her about it, and now she's great. She's actually more frugal with our money than I am now.

Edit 2: A lot of what I said is probably relationship advice, not financial advice. Do whatever works for you, but what I wrote above is my opinion on how it should be.

nmabs · 3時間前

Here's is some relationship advice. You guys are PARTNERS, legally now. Different strokes for different folks, but IMO....

You can't think about his account, her account, her debt, his savings, her credit card, your credit card, etc...You are in this together. To me, the idea of a repayment plan is condescending.

You BOTH had a debt and you BOTH decided to pay it off. Now you BOTH need to rebuild your joint savings for the down payment on a house you will buy TOGETHER. Are you seeing the pattern yet?

If she is naive about money, credit cards, or whatever, there is no reason to not help educate her...this is what the credit cards want (to trap you in interest payments). Here is how to use it. Let's get rid of ones you don't need. Hey, no worries. We'll get through this together.

You guys need to talk about stuff (like money). My wife and I talk about how much we make, how much is going to savings, how much into 401ks, big expenditures coming up, repairs on the horizon (house or car), our monthly budget (hey, out CC bill was $500 higher/lower this month; what did we do different?), etc, etc. But we also talk about long term plans: do we want to ever get a vacation house? what about in come property? When we deciding on if/when to have another kid, could we afford it? It's a constant flow of information BACK AND FORTH.

I'm not saying it has to be done all at once, it took us about 6 months to consolidate our finances.

But what do I know, I've only been together with my wife for 15 years.

limitless__ · 4時間前

My personal opinion is that you handled this perfectly. If you had made her pay off those debts after you were married she'd resent you knowing that you had that money sitting in the bank. That was a no-win for you through no fault of your own.

It was a bad situation. Her not telling you before you got married is a very big red flag. It will either go one of two ways. She will appreciate what you did and improve her financial skills. Life will be good.

Or she won't and then you will have a problem.

bicepts · 3時間前

I can't help but think "this is a financial emergency" is going to bite him in the ass hard. They obviously should have discussed this before marriage but she had the nuts to come clean and sounds remorseful about it. He handled it well too, but a comment like that is the perfect seed for something incredibly ugly and resentful to germinate down the line.

I cringed when I read that. Incredibly condescending.

Mr_Beanths · 1時間前

Why is no one mad at the woman for INTENTIONALLY HIDING this UNTIL they're married and he is sealed in?

This is classic bait and switch. And now he must come to the rescue and pay her debts.

I wouldn't be surprised if she made him pay all of this, pay for her future graduate degree and then divorce him and try to take half of his savings.

This woman is a manipulator and should be treated as such.

He is in no way wrong to be upset, mad and treating her differently since this is a breach of trust that is 100% HER fault.

No excuses.

4時間前

[removed]

KhaoticOrd3r · 5時間前

Personally, I think the plan itself sounds like a solid plan, and from how you describe it you responded really well. The part that bothers me (also a newly married man) is your use of pronouns (hers, mine instead of ours). She came clean about the debt she brought into the marriage, but when you married her you did it for better or worse, and the debt is now your debt.

Were I in your shoes, I would do my best to change the conversation about her debt, her repayment, her savings and change it into a plan you guys do together. Reassure her it's going to be okay, and have budget meetings together and establish what you want to accomplish (establish why you want to be debt free) in her mind. You need to get on the same page and start working toward a dream together. She'll be less likely to fight you on savings or debt repayment once you and her are aligned in purpose. Note. Make sure she has a say in how things are done - it's not you saving her. It's you two working to solve a problem. That's the mindset I'd use and have used.

I can't really say whether you should pay the rest of the debt immediately. Have a conversation with her and decide how you want to approach things. Talk through the pros and cons and come to a conclusion together. This is an opportunity to build trust with your spouse and improve your cumulative financial health. Once you have a plan you are both comfortable with - work the plan. It's that simple. In X months we'll have Y debts and Z savings.

Good luck man - happy to talk anything more through with you.

JuanTac0 · 3時間前

To reinforce what others have said, it sounds like you know what you're doing when it comes to finances. I'm sure you'll make good decisions on how to recoup and get back on track.

What you're really looking for here is relationship advice. And that's legit because a lot of marriages end over finances. I'd simply echo the idea that you don't have separate accounts any more. You don't have separate incomes. You have household resources and a household budget.

You don't need to get punitive and make your wife repay you. You married her (and that's a good thing), and so her debt is your debt. It's not a contest to get a nicer headstone than her on your grave.

If you both have the perspective that money belongs to the household, then she'll be less likely to spend it selfishly or without forethought. Go over your budget together regularly, and discuss financial decisions together.

My last word of advice is to give each other a fun budget each month - a few hundred dollars to spend on whatever you want - Starbucks, eating out, craft beer, whatever. This is money that can't be questioned by the other spouse, but is somewhat inconsequential to the overall budget.

It gives each of you some freedom so you don't feel selfish spending money on something you enjoy - even if your spouse doesn't. As a bonus, you can buy each other gifts with that money and it won't feel like she bought you something with your own money. It'll feel like an actual gift - because it is.

TLDR: You're in good shape, just don't let this turn into a sore spot in your marriage.


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I feel like I made it too easy and non-consequential for her. This feels like an unhealthy mindset