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submitted by diablo1988
I have so many problems, and on top of those problems I am too undisciplined and weak willed to do anything about the few of them I can fix. My life experience sucks so much that I have been wishing I never existed since I was a child. I have been planning my suicide for a while, and called the hotline only to hear that I should focus on the positives, start with what is going well for me, stop focusing on what I cannot control and instead focus on what I can change, and build from there.
WTF, guys! :D
I wanted somebody to listen to me and tell me that everything is going to be OK, not that I have to let go of obsessing over my shortcomings and work to achieve happiness. Accepting the things I do not like about me is too much work!
At any rate, now I am aware that this is literally it. There is literally nothing anybody else can do for me. I literally have no more options. Either I commit suicide (I cannot accept my mediocre life) or do something about it (including accepting my shortcomings). Adapt, evolve, or die. Nobody will solve my problems for me, even if they wanted to!
I have been laughing since yesterday. I have lots of thinking and growing up to do.
top 200 commentsshow all 204-
[–]djc6535Male 125 points126 points127 points  (62 children)
I wanted somebody to listen to me and tell me that everything is going to be OK
This would make you feel better for a few moments, but eventually you'd find out it was a lie just to put a temporary smile on your face. It sounds like you wanted a pity party. Attention. None of these things will solve your problem and you'll be right back where you started.
How do I do this?
You start by realizing your happiness is under your control. It's your responsibility.
"But this is too much work" you say. "That's intimidating!" yous say.
I say it's freeing. If you cannot accept your mediocre life you do not have to! You're not stuck with it. There's nothing between you and happiness but your own fear of actually trying to be happy.
Start small. Pick a small attainable goal. What is something small you'd like to do or change about your life? Get to work doing it.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 22 points23 points24 points  (47 children)
It sounds like you wanted a pity party. Attention. None of these things will solve your problem and you'll be right back where you started.
True. I agree 100%.
You start by realizing your happiness is under your control. It's your responsibility.
There are two things that are going wrong in my life: Women, and everything else.
I have control over everything else that is wrong in my life. I am actually in a better position in that regard than most men. The only one to blame for it is my laziness and lack of discipline.
Women, on the other hand... Let's just say I am not an attractive man (re: very short + other non-redeeming), and there is not much I can do about it. I have to stop obsessing over the fact that I will never be a player and start developing myself for being the kind of man women want to be in a relationship with. I have avoided relationships since 2009, spending all those years fantasizing about becoming a ladies man. It is not going to happen. It is out of my control. It is high time I let go and started moving on!
Start small. Pick a small attainable goal. What is something small you'd like to do or change about your life? Get to work doing it.
Makes sense. I started today working on some things I have been ignoring for a while. Things I can control.
That other thing, however... We'll see.
[–]twcadwicawic 25 points26 points27 points  (6 children)
Don't try to be the man you think women want you to be. Be someone you would date. Be someone you would genuinely want to be around. The negativity, I've been there, but I avoid negative people myself because it brings me down. Be a proactive problem-solver. Don't hate on all women. I'm sorry for your past experiences, but look at what you can proactively do about it and move on. Be someone you would want to be friends/etc with.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-21 points-20 points-19 points  (5 children)
I don't want to be anything. All those terrible experiences have left me fucked up in the head.
I can never trust women. I will never get married or have children.
If only I could get rid of my sexual desires forever!
[–]Maleficus187 46 points47 points48 points  (1 child)
Your problem is seeing it as the fault of "women" rather than as the fault of those who caused the problems. You're generalizing about women based on what some women have done.
[–]Tardytimetraveller 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
Exactly. It's like saying all men are bald just because you met a few bald men. Women are people, people can be very different. But it might be that op has been attracted to a couple of individuals that aren't right for him. This often happensssubconsciously, you seek out a person with whom you can repeat the same pattern. For example thete are people who get attracted to abusive partners, because this pattern is familiar and it is all they know.
[–]Ruleof2Male 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
Look, I know exactly how you feel, but what all these guys are saying is 100% correct.
[–]DranDranMale 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
You should pay more attention to the suicide hotline. Own your responsibilities and grow the fuck up. You want a good relationship with women? You want to act out on your sexual desires? Then fucking work on it. See a therapist. Go hit on women. Fail. Pick yourself up again. This si what we call life. Start living it, or yeah, just roll over, thats an option too. But only you will be mising out, by choice alone.
[–]-TheWindBlows- -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
Defeatist pussy attitude.
[–]djc6535Male 31 points32 points33 points  (33 children)
You absolutely do have control over how you relate to women, and how they relate to you. You don't control your height, but you have control over quite a bit that can very positively influence your relationship with them. First and foremost staring with your confidence, which comes in time as you continue to improve the other aspects you can already tell that are under your control.
[–]Aerowulf9Male 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
Piggybacking on the top of this thread to say despite what anyone thinks about his views, downvoting OP is not helping.
He came here openly expressing that he has problems and clearly the outlook on what he can and can not control is one of them. Being "wrong" is not a reason to downvote him (or others like him.) He came here for advice and help, not to be put down or silenced.
Remember thats what downvoting is for, to censor something annoying, pointless or disgusting. And thats what it feels like. Reply to point out the problem instead.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-22 points-21 points-20 points  (31 children)
Uhhhh... It doesn't work that way.
[–]djc6535Male 31 points32 points33 points  (29 children)
It absolutely does. You need to get over your foreveralone pity party to see it
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-24 points-23 points-22 points  (28 children)
I don't want to start a pity party, but I have 20+ years of negative experiences with females supporting my beliefs.
[–]centetunfois 27 points28 points29 points  (27 children)
You graduated in 2006 and women have been keeping you down for 20 years? That's starting young...
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-30 points-29 points-28 points  (26 children)
I am 27 and girls have been keeping me down since I was a child. I suffered rejection as a prebubescent, teenager, undergrad, unemployed, and a grad/employed man.
I can write a couple of pages on the different ways I have been mistreated by females growing up. At best, I am invisible to girls!
[–]centetunfois 53 points54 points55 points  (2 children)
If you are working on yourself, I recommend rewriting your mental script around women. We control our perception of our lives and how it affects us. The fact that you can write pages about the ills of women suggests that you have been keeping a list for a while. Burn that list: it won't do you any good.
When you were 7 years old, girls were also 7 years old. Think about a seven year old you know now and imagine holding a grudge against them for their playground behaviour.
I hope you can get to a place where you feel like you are not kept down by anyone.
[–]wiwalkerMale 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
I hope you can get to a place where you feel like you are not kept down by anyone.
this. even if staying true to who you are and being confident about it isn't something must women have liked, it beats trying to be someone else. You'll always be more happy being yourself and meeting people that are similar than being someone you're not and trying to live up to people who are that something. I know that from experience. stick to your guns.
[–]nolo_meMale 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
He can start by using "women" in place of "females" and "girls".
[–]LolWhatisGame 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
No one has kept you down. Take responsibility for your life.
[–]madeofstars 14 points15 points16 points  (9 children)
Step one: stop calling us females.
[–]DuckyFreeman♂ 18 points19 points20 points  (1 child)
Well to be fair, if you go back to when he was 12, they weren't women. Chicks is demeaning. And girls implies children. "Females" is a catch-all.
[–]manInTheWoods♂ 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
Are "males" and "females" terms that only girls on reddit can use? Because I've never seen anyone complaining about it then.
[–]Aerowulf9Male 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
Its literally the most correct term... Its the only catch-all in english and the most generic... how can that be offensive?
[–]pigeon_toucher 17 points18 points19 points  (2 children)
Please go be offended at something that actually matters.
[–]TheStormSings -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
aren't you turned on when i sexily call you a 'feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemale'?
why OH why does these stupid bitches hate me??!!!?!
/s just incase
[–]obiwaniswise 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
What did the females do to you?
[–]MetalheadSpidey1995 comment score below threshold-24 points-23 points-22 points  (10 children)
Don't know why you're being down voted. This is my reasoning for why I've become such a bitter person, women have treated me awfully since I was born; practically.
[–]Arrch 46 points47 points48 points  (1 child)
Don't know why you're being down voted.
Because women don't have a shared consciousnesses. If every woman you meet smells like shit, you need to check under your shoe.
[–]cajunFAITH 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
Realize that women do not live their life for you, you must live your life for yourself.
When you are doing that, THEN you can bring along a partner.
[–]funkymunniezMale 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
If I had to guess, because he used the pronoun females and that apparently gets people upset.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-16 points-15 points-14 points  (2 children)
I don't know, man!
Maybe they don't have the same reference experiences like us. Like those people who tell me to just be confident and talk to women. Lol!
[–]GrasdaggelMale 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
About the woman thing... Let me say that: it's really not important to be with woman. It's important to be with people you like which like you as well. Start there.
[–]whiskey_clitFemale 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
If you knew what women say and think about ladies men you wouldn't want to be one.
[–]Behemoth92 [score hidden]  (0 children)
Umm. I think you should start doing fitness. I'd recommend swimming and gym. You will become happier in general and along the way potentially pick up redeeming qualities like a good physique and good health. The contentment and happiness that is associated with pushing yourself in the pool and gym will definitely help.
[–]Techfreq [score hidden]  (0 children)
I can completely relate to your frustrations on the woman thing. I felt much the same way at times when I was younger. As I've gotten older this has diminished. Not only has time provided relationship experience (both by being in them and being alone for extended periods of time) it has allowed me to find myself. It has also provided some distance from those hormone filled younger years and macho competitive bs that us guys put ourselves through to allow me to find what is right and wrong for me in a relationship. My advice is to give yourself a break by achieving some goals. I learned to be more comfortable with myself by setting small goals that I could control that benefited me. Something as simple as making a commitment to workout a few times a week or meditate regularly or whatever you find that makes you happy. Once I learned to be more loving to myself it was easier to like myself and that is a very attractive thing to others.
[–]-TheWindBlows- 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
/r/Nofap could help with the women problem. It doesn't really matter if you're attractive or not, it's the personality that matters. Right now your personality (suicidal) is a bigger issue than your looks with women, I guarantee.
[–]manslutalt♂ -5 points-4 points-3 points  (0 children)
It's easy to be a ladies' man, just go to Thailand and have some cash in your pocket. Don't kill yourself without having tried it.
[–]throwitnow 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Stop focussing on women. Women will come by themselves when you have your shit together. They will come when you are a man who knows what he wants in life and goes for it. Focus on making yourself happy and loving yourself first.
[–]dopadelic comment score below threshold-20 points-19 points-18 points  (12 children)
This would make you feel better for a few moments, but eventually you'd find out it was a lie just to put a temporary smile on your face. It sounds like you wanted a pity party. Attention. None of these things will solve your problem and you'll be right back where you started.
Thank you. This is why I can't stand it when women rant to you about their problems only wanting emotional support. I hate enabling their helpless mentalities.
[–]sensibletruthFemale[🍰] 17 points18 points19 points  (10 children)
Yeah, cause all of us women have weak, helpless mentalities, right?
[–]dopadelic comment score below threshold-10 points-9 points-8 points  (8 children)
I'm not sure how you came to that interpretation from what I wrote.
[–]Tardytimetraveller 12 points13 points14 points  (7 children)
I do. You should have used the word "people" otherwise it sounds like ranting and beinghelpless is an inherently ffeminine trait, which they aren't.
[–]dopadelic comment score below threshold-6 points-5 points-4 points  (6 children)
That still doesn't mean I'm speaking for all women though, just the women who do it. But I get your point. Personally, I've only had women who told me about their problems who weren't open to advice. They'd get offended and I'd uncover that they were only looking for emotional support. I've never had a guy tell me about their issues and wasn't open to discussing constructive ways to deal with it. It is my anecdote, but I was speaking in terms of my experience.
With that said, whether if you support gender roles or not, it most certainly is not a masculine trait in terms of traditional gender roles. Part of masculinity is about being tough and being able to deal with your problems.
Edit: You people are way too poltically correct that it blinds you from reality. There are fundamental differences between men and women. Why even have an askmen subreddit if you're not willing to recognize the differences. That doesn't mean all women are a certain way and all men are a certain way. That's ridiculous. Not even all women have vaginas or all men have penises due to the variations of nature. But obviously it'd be ridiculous to discount that vaginas typically belong to women and penises typically belong to men for the sake of being politically correct. It's true that women in general are more emotional than men. We have different hormones in play that have measurable effects on our behavior.
[–]Tardytimetraveller 10 points11 points12 points  (3 children)
Thanks for that explanation. I was thinking what if seeking emotional support is actually the smarter way, more "emotionally intelligent" ? Women do have lower suicide rates and lower burngout rates, maybe because they are not shamed for seeking emotional support. Also, people who seek emotional support often find their own solutions to their ptoblems and apply them, they just don't need other people's input in this area.
[–]dopadelic -4 points-3 points-2 points  (2 children)
That's an interesting theory. You should run experiments and test it out. Maybe the suicide hotlines can learn from it.
[–]Tardytimetraveller 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
I'm googled and there have been studies about this. They also mention that men often have a harder time articulating their emotions (this is caused by the different way boys are brought up), also society gives less support to ma man looking for emotional support than to a woman.
Interestingly, black people have statistically lower suicide rates in the US than white people.
[–]dopadelic -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
Sounds like you have some good substantial evidence for your views that giving emotional support instead of advice could help reduce suicide. You should contact the suicide helplines to tell them your findings.
[–]b00tler♀ 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
It's ironic that you view a person who wants someone else to tell them how to solve a problem as "tough" and taking care of things on their own, while viewing someone who wants to unload how they feel about something without being told how to solve the problem as "helpless" and dependent.
Don't get me wrong, I find it highly irritating to have to listen to the kind of venting you described (and I'm female) but I don't think you understand that all the person who does this is usually looking for is an acknowledgement of their feelings. This is useful to understand because if you want the venting to end, you just have to give them what they are looking for. If you advise, dispute, or try to reason with the person (or worse yet, explain why they shouldn't feel the way they feel) it just prolongs the misery of listening to it all.
Example:
"God, my boss is such an asshole, he did X today because I did Y!"
  • RIGHT: "Wow it sounds like he was a dick about it. You must be really mad!"
  • WRONG: "You did Y? Why the hell did you do that? Of course he did X!"
  • WRONG: "Gee, what can you do differently next time so you don't do Y"
  • WRONG: "Well, X was a pretty reasonable way to go, thank goodness he didn't do Z
[–]dopadelic 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I didn't say tell, I said discuss. There's a big difference. I agree with you in your actual example where it's a simple rant about someone being a dick. I was talking about actual cases where the person is framing a problem they have in a helpless way. By your reasoning, no one should be giving the OP advice in this thread and should just be giving him emotional support. He didn't ask for it in most instances.
And believe me, I'm not the one that typically gives unsolicited advice. I definitely see how that can be condescending and rude. But if someone is coming to me with self-defeating attitudes, I'm going to try to discuss positive perspectives. As someone who ardently believes in the power of cognitive behavior therapy, I think it's very important to work out self-defeating attitudes and cognitive distortions. http://www.spiritsite.com/writing/davbur/part5.shtml
[–]TankCommando comment score below threshold-6 points-5 points-4 points  (0 children)
Didn't see the word all anywhere in there.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I now agree.
Learned helplessness is a bitch!
[–]BlackSquirrel05 20 points21 points22 points  (22 children)
First and foremost understand that these things take time... considerable time actually. But one day you'll wake up and not feel so bad. Then the next week you'll feel even better. So on and so on.
Next I'd like to recommend you go see a doctor and then a therapist. There are weirdos on the internet. (Including me) and despite what most of us believe we're probably not qualified to give you great advice. Not too mention you could have a disorder that does need to be addressed.
I suppose it should be asked. What's actually getting you down and why.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-19 points-18 points-17 points  (21 children)
I suppose it should be asked. What's actually getting you down and why.
Two categories of things:
  1. Things I can change, but are difficult and would take lots of hard work: Career, social life, inner peace, ...
  2. Things I cannot change: My looks. I do not really hate my looks (I look at the mirror and like what I see), but that they won't allow me to drown in pussy and be a player. I have been fantasizing about this since high school (~ 2006) and been avoiding relationships (starting 2009) for that particular reason. This is the one that I think about all the time.
[–]djc6535Male 62 points63 points64 points  (17 children)
they won't allow me to drown in pussy and be a player. I have been fantasizing about this since high school (~ 2006) and been avoiding relationships (starting 2009) for that particular reason. This is the one that I think about all the time.
Really you need to grow up. This obsession with "Being a player" isn't something that's going to make you happy, even if you achieve it.
You are measuring your self worth based on your ability to "Drown in pussy". Consider how immature that really is. You're considering ending your life, not due to your inability to form lasting meaningful connections with people, or your inability to find your place in the world, or even your inability to understand who and what you are... but due to your inability to use as many women as masturbation aids as humanly possible.
I think you need to sit down and ask yourself "WHY is this so important to me". What is it you're making up for? What is it being a "player" would prove to you once and for all? Wanting to spread your wild oats is one thing... but considering suicide due to the inability to have tons and tons of meaningless sex is a symptom of a bigger problem.
Consider speaking with a therapist. They can really help you understand yourself.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 4 points5 points6 points  (15 children)
I know why I am obsessed with this:
  1. Feeling socially rejected. I don't really care about casual sex itself--I have had it a couple of times and didn't enjoy it. What kills me is seeing all those people taking part in the hook up scene, but not me.
  2. Attention + mommy issues. I never got attention. Especially not my mom's. I dream about women giving me the female attention I never got, and still not get.
Just picture me: Walking down the street, seeing all the pretty girls walking by, knowing that they have better options than me, and are going to melt like gelly for any of them. But not me.
I don't blame those women for not wanting me; they get to be attracted to whoever they want to be attracted to. I blame my luck.
[–]notsospecialk362 11 points12 points13 points  (9 children)
So you've had casual sex and didn't enjoy it? If you were part of the hookup scene, what makes you think you'd enjoy that anymore?
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 4 points5 points6 points  (8 children)
I don't want the sex. I want the validation.
To me, every girl is an examiner who can give me a good/bad stamp. I don't want those girls to have sex with me, just to genuinely tell me I am good. This isn't happening (unless they want something from me: favors, or a relationship where I provide for them).
[–]VulpesLycalopex 21 points22 points23 points  (1 child)
I had an almost-opposite experience that parallels yours surprisingly well.
When I was young, I got too much attention... of the wrong kind. I was sexually abused by a family friend for ten years. The experience instilled a belief that I was only worth something if someone wanted me, typically sexually/romantically. I spent years during and afterward seeking out that attention, anywhere it was available.
And I got it. And I was miserable. And I hated myself more than anything.
Because when you* think that way, when you define yourself by how others see and treat you, their attention and affection will never, ever be enough. Sure, it feels good for a moment, but it doesn't last. The hate always comes back. You find reasons to doubt what they say or do. Maybe they didn't actually mean it, they had some ulterior motive. Or they meant it, but it doesn't matter because they must not know the real you; if they truly understood you, they'd hate you as much as you do. And if they truly know you and still like you, then there obviously must be something wrong with them. But the problem isn't them and their attention or lack thereof; it's inside you, in the way you think and feel about yourself, and the only way to fix it comes from inside too. All the love in the world can't help you if you don't love yourself.
It isn't easy to fix; you have to fight the way you've been trained to think all your life. But it's possible, and it's worth it, and you can do it. If you focus on becoming the person you want to be, on meeting your own standards instead of someone else's, you will reach the point where self-validation is the only validation you need. All the rest is just a cherry on top.
*the generic "you"
[–]Cunning_Plan 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Thank you.
[–]notsospecialk362 7 points8 points9 points  (5 children)
How much validation will you need though? It sounds cliche, but you've got to be happy within
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (4 children)
A lot of it. I have a whole life worth of lack of acceptance and validation to make up for.
[–]TecksMecks 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
OK, at least you have a good idea of why you are craving female attention: validation.
Can you ever make this feeling go away? Absolutely. The key is that you need to validate yourself. But this isn't something you can do by reading a book in your room. You need to attempt something difficult and scary. It doesn't have to be life threatening, but it has to be something.
Personally, I lived overseas for several years. After the difficulty and growth of that experience, I really don't care what some stuck-up 25 year old girl thinks of me.
[–]wiwalkerMale 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Constantly craving validation from other people will always continue a bad mental state whether you have that validation or not. If you have it, you constantly feel anxiety about how people will see you if you lose it and depression over people not liking you for who you are, but being who they want you to be. If you don't have it, you constantly wish you did and therefore feel inadequate. I know from experience what both of these feel like. In order to find true happiness, you need to completely validate yourself. Be happy with yourself and you won't crave and obsess over other's validation of you. I know what that feels like, I've gone through it myself and I can tell you the validation of "drowning in pussy" is not as validating as you may think. And if that's truly your outlook on women, that's not exactly helping you either.
Validate and accept yourself, don't seek it from other people. Only then can you become happy.
[–]throwaway 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Having someone who broadly accepts and validates you can definitely be helpful (thank God for my wife), but it's not like there's a quota of acceptance/validation which will leave you satisfied.
Your thoughts and feelings which drive you to crave validation are habits which are under your control in the sense that you can train the way you think and respond emotionally to things. Other people's response to you is much less controllable. Why put yourself under other people's power?
[–]reddidentity 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Edit: not worth it to say anything you are set in your misogyny.
[–]Linskye♀ 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
This comes off as really shallow... Attractive guys are nice and all, but i'd prefer dating someone that has similar interests / opinions / ANYTHING with me.
are you one of those unattractive people that refuses to date an unattractive girl?
[–]AbsoluteRunnerMale 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
Good its good that you can break down why you are obsessed with it the issues.
As far as your issues, do you have anything or any moments you've ever been dedicated to something?
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (1 child)
Not really.
I was dedicated to studying when I had a girlfriend in highschool/uni. She broke up with me and I went home, sat down, and thought to myself, "now I don't have that girl to be successful for, why should I continue working? Who am I working for?"
Over the years this grew from pivoting my goals over a girl to pivoting them over all the girls.
I am now in summer break as a PhD student and having nothing to structure my life around I start asking myself the same questions!
[–]AbsoluteRunnerMale 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
PhD student? what are you getting your doctorate in? I myself finished my bachelors in Chemistry. Still no idea what I'm doing.
Anyway I can totally understand your feeling. Goals. Goals are important. You need drive. You can make self improvement goals, But are they actually satisfying for you? If they are then easy peasy. Pick some fitness thing and run with it.
True be told my advice would be to pick something and run with. Make sure the thing you pick has some interaction with girls and hope that it pans out.
Also i don't know if this is your issue with women but it was for me. Don't put them on a pedestal. Putty them there made me too nervous around them.
[–]emphesymFemale [score hidden]  (0 children)
then become one of those dudes that can melt girls?
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] comment score below threshold-7 points-6 points-5 points  (0 children)
Btw, drowning in pussy won't make me happy. It will just raise my threshold and make it harder for me to feel happy. My happiness default level is stupidly low.
[–]I_like_to_debate 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Getting women has very little to do with looks and everything about confidence, charisma and authenticity.
[–]emphesymFemale [score hidden]  (0 children)
you have more than your natural looks
go lift, then go lift heavier
dress well
get a good haircut
get a good skin care routine
those will all bump you at least 2-3 points, at least
[–]fordtp7 [score hidden]  (0 children)
Is this a fucking joke? You don't like hard work? You sound like an idiot. Hard work is what gets you everything in life. You need to know that this world will discard you like you're nothing unless you give it a reason not. You have to make something of yourself
[–]SKNK_Monk 29 points30 points31 points  (12 children)
If you do end up deciding to commit suicide, I have a suggestion. You'll be totally free to live entirely without fear in a way most people can't. Since you'll be on the way out anyways you should get a bunch of loans you don't intend to repay and do some combination of buying a boat and opening a soup kitchen. Also, rob banks. Hit on all the women, men, and dogs. Wait until the super bowl and expose yourself on the field. Get a tattoo on your face. Do all the other things that we have all always secretly wanted to do but were too sane and afraid to.
I mean, you probably shouldn't commit suicide, but if you're going to anyways then don't waste an opportunity to be the wild man that lives deep inside all of us.
[–]beautybalm 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
People get away with robbing banks so idk man
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 7 points8 points9 points  (5 children)
Lol.
I actually thought about what I should do before I die. I decided that I should do the laundry, clean my place, cover my bed with plastic sheets, and die there. I would also get rid of some personal stuff (like, wipe all my electronic gadgets and burn my personal journal).
Will write a note asking not to draw much attention to the incident. I know how my acquaintances / fake friends would have a circlejerk party over it. I don't want to give them that satisfaction.
I just want to go in peace, man!
[–]AllanDT comment score below threshold-20 points-19 points-18 points  (3 children)
Grow up
[–]LivingDeadGirl2878 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Quit being a dick
[–]SKNK_Monk 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
Don't listen to this guy. He's just shaming you with a variation of that common way men are shamed: 'Man up'. If you do this it won't be because you were or weren't a man or an adult. People make this decision badly, and people make this decision well. By that same token, if you decide to live, then how you do it (and especially if you decide to get help, which you should if you choose to live) has no bearing on whether you're a man or an adult.
Women, men, mature people and immature people have all made this decision before. Doing one thing or the other didn't change what they were.
[–]CoCo26♂ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
This dude is just begging for attention. Quit enabling him
[–]softservepoobutt 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Fucking golden advice.
[–]little_banjo -2 points-1 points0 points  (2 children)
Wait until the super bowl and expose yourself on the field.
Fuck that. I would rather have him commit suicide than spoil my game night.
[–]kuavi [score hidden]  (1 child)
What the hell is wrong with you?
[–]little_banjo [score hidden]  (0 children)
Just because his life is shit, he has no right to make mine shittier while making his life less shittier.
[–]impfireball -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
That'd probably make him change his mind, and then he'd have to sort through all the shit that comes with that. I know your were being facetious, but still.
And sorry if I deflated your post like a crashing zeppelin.
[–]Bobblio121 29 points30 points31 points  (4 children)
By reading your comments it looks like you want to take zero advice and are whiney and needy. Women can smell a needy man 5 miles out and hence the good ones steering a hard left when you come around.
Stop pushing the advice people are trying to give you away with excuses. You don't have to use it, just read it and store it away. You seem a little assholeish when you just retort with some lame excuse and "whoa is me" the situation even more.
You're 27.. I'm 27... Get over it you have a lot of life to live and lots of time to learn. Sitting around in a pool of your own pity piss makes you smell and its not productive.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (3 children)
I am whiny and needy. Those traits are unattractive, but not necessarily the main reason I am unattractive. Or so I believe.
I am sorry I came off that way. In my mind I am not refusing help, just saying why it won't work. (Like, I believe lack of confidence isn't the reason I cannot go out and get laid like my colleagues.)
No self pity. Yesterday was an eye opener. It showed me that I am the only one who can do something about my problems. Nobody can offer anything more than advice, and most of the solutions I have to figure out on my own anyways!
[–]sachalamp 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
lack of confidence isn't the reason
It is. I wouldn't believe it myself a few years ago. It's almost like fucking magic but it works.
Just as a personal suggestion, check out /r/nofap
Also,
I have been laughing since yesterday. I have lots of thinking and growing up to do.
This is good. I'm happy for you. Being able to laugh about your own shortcomings and owning them is the crucial step.
[–]b_digital♂ [score hidden]  (0 children)
The obstacle is the way.
[–]MidgetsdontfloatMale [score hidden]  (0 children)
I had a boss who was the ugliest, fattest, most obnoxious asshole you can imagine, yet somehow he got laid all the damn time because of what?
He was confident as hell. He was charismatic. He was cheerful.
Looks have almost nothing to do with it, they just make the initial approach easier. If you don't think you're all that unattractive, then your luck with women probably lies in something like confidence. You cannot improve this aspect of your life without improving your own view of yourself.
Quit this "I can't" or "It won't work" bullshit. If you're aware of your issues, fantastic. You're further than most. Now you have to realize that you CAN improve yourself and you CAN work on your issues. The mind is a powerful thing and even nothing but a positive outlook can turn your life around.
[–]Rhiow 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
A ton of people have suggested therapy, and you've responded to an awful lot but it seems like you've been ignoring these suggestions. Whatever else you do, however you decide to work to improve yourself, working with a therapist can only enhance that work. Please consider talking to someone. A decent therapist can help you work through issues that you may not be able to work through on your own, will be able to help you organize your thoughts and make a good plan, can help offer different perspectives on the things you're going through and have gone through in the past.
I'm not saying to see a psychiatrist and get on medication if that's not something you want to do. But finding someone to talk through your past and your issues with seems like it could be infinitely helpful.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
I will visit the counseling center at my school and see what I can get.
I don't want to ignore advice.
[–]Rhiow 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Awesome, good luck to you :)
[–]beautybalm 14 points15 points16 points  (5 children)
You need to get yourself in therapy as soon as possible. In the mean time, you need to run out your problems on a treadmill. Make yourself exhausted. Sit in the sauna at the gym. Float in the pool that is also at the gym. Your life is gone. It's over. The life that you once had has been completed. Nothing that you had before you have now. You can grow and build another life. You have another life that can be exactly how you want it and you will slowly build it everyday.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
Funny you mentioned running.
I have been using that to get me going the past couple of weeks.
[–]beautybalm -4 points-3 points-2 points  (2 children)
Honestly I can't give you good advice because I drive extremely recklessly because I want to kill myself too so there ya go. But I do know that exercising until I am exhausted keeps the days coming and I just focus on my exhaustion instead of what I really feel.
[–]wiwalkerMale 21 points22 points23 points  (1 child)
Wanting to kill yourself is your own choice, but driving recklessly to kill yourself risks killing others in the process, which is not ok.
[–]beautybalm -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
No I specifically keep my eyes peeled for the Mack trucks
[–]beautybalm 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You know what heart to heart nothing is going to make you feel better and you have to make yourself feel better and it is really really hard and not everyone succeeds. You can't live life with a crutch (like anti depressants), and I have tried. I have tried it all. You have to go and get out there and live.
[–]iddqdidkfaimpulse9 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
In addition to others' advice (therapy, in particular), make small changes to your environment that prevent you from doing things that are counterproductive. For example, I have a parental filter on my own browser that prevents me from using Reddit/Imgur/etc for more than 20 minutes per day. I moved the alarm clock to the other side of the room. Small things like that can add up.
[–]Chasethehorror 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
To quote Fight Club, "it's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
What do you have to lose now? You can do anything.
Good luck to you.
[–]ShawarmaOrigins 9 points10 points11 points  (5 children)
I can, for the most part, empathize with people posting these types of threads, but you, you come off like a douche. I neither know what you look like, nor your other shortcomings but fuck me if for a minute I felt like you actually were reaching out for help.
You want validation? Go bust your damn ass at work and do an amazing job. Go volunteer and help build a gawd damn house for the less fortunate. Go sort food at a food bank. Do something useful where you're contributing to society you lazy fuck. Fucking women isn't going to give you that validation beyond the few minutes while your heart is racing for the 3 minutes of sex that you just had.
You were about to commit suicide and now posting with smiley faces and your only real issue is women? What in the actual fuck is wrong with men these days and the constant bullshit of needing validation? Go earn your gawd damn life back.
Mother fucking validation. Like it's a gawd damn $6.95 stamp women carry in their purse just looking to give it away. Nothing is a better panty dropper than a man needing to be validated.
[–]webleytempest♂ 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
I can relate to the original poster very well. I think after such a long time has passed, you desperately just want to be validated for WHO you are, and not for WHAT you can do or accomplish. It becomes very disenfranchising.
In addition it's interesting to consider that some women possibly want to be validated for WHAT they do, not always just for WHO they are (appearance).
It's especially bad if you're not ambitious, not goal orientated, don't possess a drive to go out and do stuff, etc. You can start to feel demonised as a person. "I'm a guy and apparently I'm supposed to live life like those guys are, but I don't seem to be built that way."
[–]heiferlyFemale 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
Um, WHO a woman is is not "appearance." It's creativity, intellect, experience, kindness, talent ... a million other things, but not so much appearance. That's just a container. And by the way, men can be valued for all those same characteristics.
[–]webleytempest♂ 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Yes you're right, slightly bad wording. I didn't just mean appearance, but who someone is as a person. I was just referencing the times I've seen women remark how they often think they're valued solely on their visual appeal and not other elements.
[–]heiferlyFemale [score hidden]  (0 children)
Ah, I see now. Thanks for clarifying.
[–]emphesymFemale [score hidden]  (0 children)
"WHO you are" now means your sexual ability?
[–]dzendianMale 7 points8 points9 points  (7 children)
Your inability to accept mediocrity troubles me. I think you might have a personality disorder like narcissism.
[–]PinheadXXXXXX 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
I don't think there's anything wrong with not accepting a mediocre life as long as your definition of an exceptional life is achievable.
[–]dzendianMale 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
If you want to be happy on your way to achieving your exceptional life, then yeah, there is.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
I certainly have a personality disorder. My thought patterns are far from being healthy
But narcissism? I thought those guys loved themselves. I don't think highly of myself!
[–]dzendianMale 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
If you don't have a personality disorder and want to get better, then you need to work on: acceptance. True acceptance. You haven't accepted your life for what it is. Not accepting how you are is akin to wishing all day. It's not real.
After you have accepted yourself for the way you are and the way your life is, then you'll be more receptive toward molding yourself into something else... or you'll just feel better and won't care as much.
re: Discipline: Commit to judo or brazilian jiu jitsu. This will build confidence and discipline and reveal character. You'll volunteer a little bit from time to time as well. This will add some meaning.
After you have accepted things the way they are, then I would suggest trying something new. Anything new. Preferably something from your bucket list. If you don't have a bucket list, now's a good time to make one and actively start doing things on it.
Something is off with your thinking. I can't put my finger on it. It's almost like everything out of your mouth is a platitude or bumper sticker quote. I don't believe life is as simple and abstract as:
  • Adapt, evolve, or die.
  • Nobody will solve my problems for me, even if they wanted to!
I wouldn't be surprised if you said "it is what it is" a lot. I would stop thinking in this way.
[–]icandoesbetter 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
  • Adapt, evolve, or die.
  • Nobody will solve my problems for me, even if they wanted to!
I wouldn't be surprised if you said "it is what it is" a lot. I would stop thinking in this way.
I see what you're saying, but for someone who's fallen into the cycle of self-deprecative thought, these are very real concepts for them. It becomes the only way they know how to express themselves. I'm curious to know how would you suggest OP change this?
[–]M0DESTISHOTTEST 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
But narcissism? I thought those guys loved themselves. I don't think highly of myself!
Dont listen to anyone that calls you a narcissist here. Over about the last 3 months that term as gotten very popular here. People will call you a narcissist over anything. I don't think most of them really even know what that means.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
But yeah. I need help!
[–]tehStickMan 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Lol so is that what a hotline tells you, eh? I've never called one.
I've yet to see a good reason anyone has for not suiciding apart from "your family and responders will be hurt" etc.
My life is shit too, but it's also good. Like, it's pretty fucking good. But I'm not happy. I constantly get angry about shit, don't like where I am at the moment, etc.
I dunno man. I've come to your conclusion, only slightly differently. Can either die, or adapt with some work and hope it pays off. Or just keep in this shitty status quo which is mentally destroying me.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
Yeah. It's actually really funny. I couldn't stop laughing after I hung up. :D
[–]Piccprincess 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
Oh my gosh I was you literally last December. I didn't call a hotline though. I had friends (who didn't feel like friends at the time because I was depressed) that stayed with me, let me vent and cry and throw things, and got me food and shit. None of them said that it was going to be okay. They were just...there. I eventually just stopped trying to feel happy, stopped talking about my feelings (not an "I'm ignoring them" way, just felt like people were tired of hearing about it) and kept trying to hang with people. We'd both talk and sit in silence.
I don't know exactly how to help because everyone's different and I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what happened with me, and what I think helped me was working on one thing at a time. Instead of trying to make it all okay at once, I focused on small things like my school work or my level of complaining (I used to complain all. of. the. time. It was ridiculous! and about things that didn't even matter.) It's been 6 months since my lowest, and about 4 months since I really saw a difference. Everyone's pace is different, though. I'm not incredibly happy, but do I think I need to be? No. But I think I'm happier than I've been in a long time, that's for sure. I'm not perfect; I still have more to work on. It's a long journey.
For reference, I'm 22 and female. I just graduated from my undergrad. I'm totally here to answer questions or relate, if you or anyone needs it. If you wish to chat, of course. If not, I wholeheartedly wish you the best of luck.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Would you mind sharing the things that were not going well with us? How much control did you have over them?
[–]Piccprincess 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Well I became incredibly picky over things like my body. I'm not fat, nor was I fat before. But it'd be small things like how my clothing fit, to picking on my body type. I'd spend more than healthy amounts of time in front of the mirror, picking at myself in places that I hated. I would go a whole day - or several - without eating. This is something I'm actually still working on, but I know that my current weight is healthy. Two sides of my brain constantly arguing. I also started to drink more. Not four drinks a day a lot, but I was at the bar more than I needed to be.
Then, the non-physical things. I always criticized myself when I talked because I would think I talked too much, or was annoying and a burden on others. I started to push people away and even broke up with a guy over a year ago because I was scared of his reaction to my depression. I became increasingly paranoid, like everything I said and every move I made was being analyzed by everyone. I'm an expert procrastinator. It affected my school work and my applications for graduate school (and these applications were providing an incredible amount of stress). I loved to just sit around and it would take so much nagging to get me off my butt to do things. My room was an absolute mess. The rest of my apartment was less of a mess, yet still a mess.
Those were the things that I believe I had (and have) control over. I had a few things happen surrounding me like my aunt dying of cancer, results of a test that were less than I expected (I placed lower in an event that I had been working my butt off to win. I lost to someone who put in little work.), and I had a bully riding my back with dirty looks and mean comments.
To add: I've realized that no matter if it's something we have direct control over, or no control at all, what we do have is our reaction to it. If I thought I looked bad one day, I would hold onto hope that I could look better tomorrow and that it's okay to not look perfect all of the time. When my bully would say something to me, I would realize that it had nothing to do with me and it was just their insecurity. Believing - even fake believing for a while - helped so much in the long run.
[–]Pointless_arguments♂ 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Mate, your looks really don't matter to the majority of women. It's all about attitude and personality. I've worked with overweight ugly guys who make George Costanza look attractive. These guys were often in their second and third marriages and some of them have a piece on the side - why do they have such success with women? Because they're interesting and in touch with their own masculinity. They have skills, they have good jobs and make good money, and they don't apologize all the time or seek approval. They're comfortable with who they are and you don't detect insecurity from them. The way they talk makes you listen to them. They have good arm and core strength.
These are all attributes that are a choice to develop. They can't change being short and ugly with a chubby body type so they improve themselves in other ways instead, and women respond to that. Women aren't ashamed of loving an ugly guy if he makes up for it in other ways.
[–]Yougottabolieve 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Start lifting weights. Don't get in over your head trying to do it perfect - just
1) Go on /r/Fitness
2) Read the sidebar
3) Come up with a plan, any plan.
4) Start doing it
After a while, you'll start to gain the confidence from going to the gym. You'll realize that, as long you're respectful and do the exercises where they're intended to be done (watch other people your first day to pick it up) that no one really gives a shit what you're doing. This will give you the confidence to keep coming back day after day.
At that point, some awesome stuff will happen. You'll start to wonder what you did before you had the weights. You'll crave the structure that lifting gives you and the goals you can set and achieve for yourself. You'll start to gain some confidence in yourself because you have muscles. You might make a few friends. You'll also notice this will probably fix a LOT of your issues with not being attractive, both physically and mentally.
If you have any specific questions, feel free to PM me.
[–]OldClunkyRobotMale [score hidden]  (0 children)
Awesome response and I agree with all of it. Exercise works wonders for your state of mind.
[–]funkymunniezMale 1 point2 points3 points  (10 children)
No matter what you need to do to change, you need to do it through discipline so I suggest starting there and starting small. Do something that is really easy to achieve but still takes will power. A great one is getting up early and starting the day early.
It's so simple but more difficult than you think. Don't worry if you fail, just start again.
Once you're up, set a few more small goals for yourself like, "Every morning, I will have a cup of coffee and learn something new."
Keep going until you can remain focused on completing tasks you want to complete and slowly up the difficulty of the tasks to things like going to the gym, learning how to cook, taking on a new trade, getting a job, advancing in your job, expanding your social circle, etc.
It will be hard, but if you keep pushing forward then you can do it. Don't be afraid to write your goals down in a place you can readily see them. Science has shown that when you can observe the goals you've set for yourself you're more likely to achieve. Let people support you and support them back.
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 0 points1 point2 points  (9 children)
What about the things I cannot change or do anything about? How do you accept that and let go?
[–]funkymunniezMale 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
There is almost nothing that you can't change other than your height if you work towards it.
As far as things that bring you down, well, there's not really any one answer for it. Some people will confront their insecurities and work to change them into strengths. Others can just shrug these things off and offer them no attention, filling their focus with things that are more important and meaningful. And for some things, other people will accept it as a fundamental part of who they are and make peace with it.
I can't tell you how to do any of that, I'm really not qualified. Perhaps even people who are qualified won't be able to tell you and you need to come to that answer yourself. What I do know is that accepting and moving past it is easier done with a support structure of friends and family
[–]funkymunniezMale 0 points1 point2 points  (6 children)
Something else to consider...the things you think that you cannot change or do anything about; are they really things that are important and will make you more satisfied with who you are and what you want to be?
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -1 points0 points1 point  (5 children)
are they really things that are important and will make you more satisfied with who you are and what you want to be?
I have an unsatisfied addiction for those things. If they become available, I will feel satiated for a a couple of hours, perhaps a week max; but that's it.
Those things will not make me satisfied with myself. No.
[–]funkymunniezMale 0 points1 point2 points  (4 children)
Recognizing this, what is something that would make you happy with yourself and not just fulfilling something you identify as an addiction?
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
Hmmm. I actually have not thought about it.
I would be happy with myself if * I achieved my potential in my work instead of procrastinating and doing a half-assed job * I found people who share my interests -- I do not really like my friends or the people I spend time with * I had new exciting experiences all the time (I get bored very quickly) * I had hobbies I actually care about instead of things I do to spend time with people I do not care about
[–]funkymunniezMale 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Well it sounds like you have some things to explore change in.
Get up early tomorrow. Keep thinking.
[–]Tardytimetraveller 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Fantastic, all of these things are very doable! Try out some classes, you might pick up a hobby and some friends!
[–]wiwalkerMale 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
This is the right step forward. These are the things you should work toward! I know I'm commenting a lot but I remember what it's like to be where you are and that makes me want to help you.
[–]LivingDeadGirl2878 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It's isn't easy, I know. I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I know it's not gonna happen. I let that devastate me for the past ten years. I couldn't go to baby showers, during nursing school it was so hard for me to do my maternity clinicals, etc. I have literally only this year have accepted it. I had to grieve it, but then I tried to remind myself of other things I can do to make myself happy. I can have my nieces and nephews for sleepovers and then send them on their way when they've exhausted me. I hope to travel in the near future and blow money on myself since I have no financial obligations to anyone else. Maybe in the future I will foster. So I do know that longing for something and how hard it is to explain to people who will never truly understand what you feel, but no ones life is perfect and a lot of people deal with major things in life that they could either let devastate them or try to work around it and reimagine your future.
You are so damn young!!! You may not be getting chicks now but that may change later. Honest to god, I think men are sexiest around age 30-50. And I think you said you have a PhD? Intelligence and good work ethic are important qualities many people want in a partner. Give it some time hun.
[–]Digiopian 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
It sounds like you actually got some solid advice. You're very unlikely to go from "my life sucks!" to "everything is awesome!" overnight, and yeah, it's going to take some work. Honestly, it's not really any harder to work on fixing things, than it is to sit around feeling miserable. It's all a matter of what you focus on. Most of what you need to fix is in your head, so you get to make the choice every day about what kinds of thoughts you want to cultivate, and which ones you'd be better off rooting out.
Keep in mind that discipline is built. You practice it, and just like learning any new skill, the more you practice, the better you get. Willpower is the same way. I'm a strong willed person, not because I was born that way, but because I exercise that mental muscle all the time.
There is literally nothing anybody else can do for me. Nobody will solve my problems for me, even if they wanted to!
It's really, really good that you see this. It means you have a fighting chance at changing what's making you so unhappy. However, it's only partly true. Yes, you're the only one who can put in the work. You're the only one who can change your mind. But just like you reached out here, you can seek out friends, therapy, and/or mentors to help you sort things out.
[–]Oneiropticon♂ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
First and foremost, get a trade. Learn wiring, plumbing, welding, something they can't ship overseas. Something you can look at when you're done, and know it's done well. Something you could take pride in.
Next, take pride in something. Become excellent, care for something beautiful, grow something, doesn't matter.
Develop a ritual. Something at the start of your day, or when you get home, just before bed, something you do every day. Pay attention to each step. Really focus while you're at it.
That won't fix your life. That will give you a place to start.
[–]Desmond_Winters 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Start exercising. Run, lift weights, do a sport, do anything. Exercise is an incredible anti-depressant.
[–]1337GandalfMale 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
They told me the same shit when I was 14. idk what their issue is, but they're incredibly bad at their jobs.
[–]ReverendMakMale 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
How old are you now?
[–]Iron_Tits 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
can we stop downvoting a suicidal guy?
[–]Linskye♀ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I wanted somebody to listen to me and tell me that everything is going to be OK, not that I have to let go of obsessing over my shortcomings and work to achieve happiness.
I've fucked up a lot in life, and I'm still fucking up. Everyone fucks up be it love, social life, academics or health. it But at the end of the day no matter what it is it will be okay. So you broke up? there will be another. So you have no friends? You can make more. So you failed a test and have to repeat? its just 6 months out of 80 years. So you're overweight or unhealthy? You can work out.
Nearly every problem in life has a solution (at least in first world countries). It's funny the only crucial issues are the ones people ignore (Mental Health) Whatever the issue is you can fix it. Just keep going, and trying.
You seem unhappy with your medicore life. Why? Do you know what some people would give for that? It doesn't mean you should settle for it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
So what if you fuck up? Theres no mistake that can't be undone. Just keep trying. If you want you can message me.
[–]daveysta 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
If you really hate your life but can scratch up the money maybe going to France and enlisting in the French Foreign Legion could change your life and perhaps set you on a better path. Once you arrive at a recruiting center beds, food, clothes etc are provided. As long as you are fit and healthy your accepted.
Im not a legionnaire and chances are I never will be. Just thought it might help you.
[–]Tardytimetraveller 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I actually read through most of your comments on here, and I have to tell you that you life doesn't really suck. Not really. There are people out there who have gone through horrifyingly traumatic experiences, are in abusive relationships, lost a loved one, up to their neck in debt, homeless, physically or mentally very ill, living in a war zone, etc. Your biggest problem is not drowning in pussy and feeling mediocre. I suggest volunteering in a shelter or even in a poor country to get some perspective and put your priorities in order, and also to get the feeling that you are actually doing something worthwhile. Also, smart women find philanthropic men attractive, not douchey guys who see them as "pussy".
[–]kuhzooMale 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
If I had to guess your problems all seem really big and hard right now. Probably because you're looking at the entire problem and everything you have to do to fix it all at once. You might not even know everything you have to do to fix some of your problems.
If that's the case...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." -- Lao Tzu
Really, you only need to know what you need to do first. Just do that first thing without worrying about any of the later steps. Odds are once you do that first thing you'll realize it wasn't as hard/painful as you thought it was. Half the time I actually feel good after I did something I thought would suck. For me, most of the stuff I don't like doing is like that.
Once you've done the first thing, then do the next without worrying about all the rest of the process. Then the next and the next and the next, taking breaks when you need to, then at some point you'll look for your next step and find that you're done. If you find that you messed up somewhere, it's not that bad because you've already done it once, so you know you can do it again, but now you know how to do it better.
"'Wanting to' has nothing to do with it."
That's a quote my dad always used to tell me when I didn't want to go to do something I needed to. We all have things we don't want to do, but need to. The way I think of it is that if I do the things I need to now, I'll have more time to do the things I want later AND I won't have this nasty chore hanging over my head.
[–]elfootman 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
Fake it till you become it!
[–]diablo1988 [OP][S] -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Hehhehehe.
That would solve, like, 50% of my problems. The other 50% isn't that easy, tho.
[–]ReverendMakMale 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Well, start with the easy 50%, and go from there.
[–]hes_that_guy 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Not much of a poster on reddit but I have some advice from personal experience. They were right in telling you that you need to fix your own shit, you do - its going to require effort but the pay off will be massive if you do it.
Get up tomorrow morning, shower, brush and floss your teeth. Make your bed. Clean your room and do your washing. Get your life in order by tackling the many little things that you would normally put off. Then go for a walk, run or join a gym and make an achievable goal to reach by the end of the month (go to the gym 4 times a week, walk 5km a day etc).
Find hobbies, do you like to cook? Do you want to learn a new instrument? Make a goal to work towards.
Then start to look at the bigger picture - what sucks about my life? Do I need a new career, new friends, do I need to go travelling? Make goals, change the situation.
You can improve your life by starting with the smallest of things and working your way up. Start by organising yourself from the bottom up tomorrow and the rest will flow easier.
Good luck!
[–]demalition90 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Everything in life can be fixed. Except suicide. If you commit suicide you become the worlds biggest fuck up.
That being said let's look at ways to improve your life so you can be happier and not become a huge fuck up =D
I suggest you start with cleaning. Take a shower, then clean your room, then maybe the hallway. I'm not assuming you're dirty but rather I'm saying that by doing a deep clean of even one small part of your living space will be productive and may make you feel good.
Next try exercising. Even if it's just 5 push ups a day make sure you are doing some form of exercise EVERY DAY, and don't make excuses such as getting out of bed counted as a sit up. Exercise more than you do daily, once you get in a habit of stopping and deciding to do some exercise it will become routine and you can start doing full on workouts, and start getting in good shape. This will improve your confidence and bolster your mood.
From there you can start getting outside and meeting people. Go to a bar, go to church, go to a parade, it doesn't matter just be around people. Try Ingress.
Just make small changes focused on improvement and take your time.
[–]Paul_Swanson 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
That sounds like classic depression. Read this comic and see if it rings any bells.
Go to a therapist who specializes in depression. If you are, and I think you are, you aren't actually yourself. You think like you are yourself, but when you get through the other side of depression and look back, you'll see just how clouded your mind was. You're worth it, the real you behind the gray haze of depression.
[–]pigeonpiesTransgender 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I work at a crisis line. We aren't here to tell you everything will be fine. Most people who call us are either about to attempt suicide OR have already gone through and just wanted to hear another human's voice. They would SNAP if we simply told them, "Oh, everything will be fine! It will work out in the end!" because they've usually heard it all and have run through all their resources.
We're here to support you and offer you guidance and help you build a plan to move forward and be safe - which sounds like what your call worker did. :/ If the worker truly was rude to you, it might be something to tell the coordinator / manager.
[–]CrazyPlato 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Do you have any kind of access to psychological help? If you really can't shake a feeling of low self-esteem or depression that's bringing suicidal thoughts to your head, then that's exactly the time to seek professional counsel. It may be that you have a condition like clinical depression, which makes those thoughts difficult to shake off. At least, if you can afford to do it, it can't hurt to go in and check, even if you don't stay for longer after your confirm that it isn't that kind of problem.
If you happen to still be a student, you can probably get free psych counseling on your campus. Otherwise, it may be covered by your insurance.
[–]hamdrewmorris 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I'm serious on this one. It just takes one time going to the gym. I used to be a really unmotivated, yet still happy person but ever since I've been going to the gym and just being active my life has been 300% better. It is proven to lower stress and make you feel so much better about yourself. You gain confidence that way. I think if I were to say anything it would be to just try it once. Just walk in and ask to test the equipment with someone if it's your first time - it's not even close to being the scariest place in the world. Just keep doing you!!
[–]Vroonkle♂ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I've been depressed for over 50% of my life now, and one of the most enlightening things I heard came from my grandmother. She told me in so many words that happiness isn't a necessary part of life, and it isn't the default state of life for people. Whatever you feel is the exact right thing to feel as long as the emotion is genuine. Don't be afraid to be dissatisfied.
As far as turning it around? You didn't list any of your problems so no one can give you specific advice. I'd visit /r/getmotivated for now. Seems like you're in the right mindset to take some of that stuff to heart. Try establishing a strong base routine for your daily life. That is the absolute core of my continued success; I have a few things I do every single day, and I do everything else throughout the day because I manage to do those things.
Break your problems down into categories, then subcategories, and then individual problems. For example: If you have "financial problems" and it seems too big for you to handle: Make it "Financial->Credit Cards->Late payments->Call the company Tuesday." You need to start knocking off little pieces at a time until it can be handled. We had a great saying for situations like these while I was in the service. "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Map out each individual bite, and solve each problem in your life individually. Once you begin problem solving you can apply methods like Jerry Seinfeld's Don't Break The Chain to work your way through the entire list.
I'm glad you're currently out of the lows, but so far you haven't actually done anything. Time to put that ass in gear and start digging.
[–]EtraMale -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I don't really have advice. I just wanted to say you seem like a funny, self-deprecating guy and at least to me that makes you a likable person. Good luck with everything and if you want to exchange sob stories, you're welcome to PM me.
[–]mountainjew♂ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
From a very similar experience, i have 2 suggestions. Either live your life as an experiment. Throw all caution to the wind and just stop caring what happens, and take risks. Do things you wouldn't normally do, because you want to die anyway right? What's the worst that could hapen? You might actually have some fun along the way.
Option 2. Learn all you can about existentialism, and immerse yourself in it. The goal of existentialism is to put the onus of responsibility on you. Your life is what you make it. Stop relying on others to change your life and to start making your own choices, and realizing that you always have choices. It effectively forces you to grow up.
I have done both, and have had a pretty good transformation. I still suffer from depression and general malaise, but i fight through it every day.
[–]Deezl-Vegas 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Hey man :) Fellow depress-ee here. I just wanted to say that you should check out r/personalfinance. Managing my money is a really nice hobby for me, even though I make less than 40k.
Depression has been described many ways, but for me, it's just ice. It makes you feel cold and alone, it makes you not want to move. But if you don't move, you'll just be cold forever. So it's good to have a few things to take pride in doing well.
[–]Abestar 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
When I was still suicidal and focused on all the negatives around me/in the world, I finally got to a point when I was just laying in bed for days and days, not wanting to move cause whats the point everything sucks and I might as well just lay there and die right?
Well that fucking sucked. I realized that I was making myself unhappy and the only alternative I had ever considered was just stopping my life because I thought hey better to be nothing than this shitty person living my shitty life. And then I really REALLY thought about it, if I died then that would be it, that would just be the end of everything(I'm agnostic) not only would I never have anymore negative experiences but I'd never have any more fun experiences either and I wouldn't be witness to anything new. So I made up my mind right then to try my best to accept the shitty parts of life and just work towards and enjoy the good parts more.
Obviously doing that is not easy, esp for someone so used to being so negative all the time. But I gotta tell you man, it gets easier with time. You find things to focus on, to build up. You start to look back and say, hey look what I did. Even when it's just small things like, I got out and talked to some new people today, it really does help. And the more you do it the more you want to do it. As stupid as it sounds you really can get 'high on life' in the sense that you get caught up in being active and engaged in the world and its great.
Dunno if that helped but I hope it did.
[–]kikkeroog♂ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I don't understand how you can be so confused and yet put your thoughts and emotions in words so well. That's pretty amazing!
You should write more often and let other people read it. Might help.
[–]Randomthoughtssss 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Hi OP! I created a throwaway as this hits home. I do not know what is happening in your life, but I can tell you what happened in mine and how I moved forward!
7 months ago I tried to commit suicide and failed. I was in a foreign country on a trip, my life was going pretty badly at the time. I've been on anti-depresents for just over 8 months. My girlfriend at the time just broke up with me(we were suppose to go on the trip together, she left me before I went to the airport), I just got notice that I was fired from my job and I found out my mum is in hospital with a very serious condition, that seemed very gloom. That on top of a lot of drink that night, I thought my life was going to end.
I was thinking to myself how can I live, I lost a job that I spent so much years working on and dedicating my life to and its gone due to a stupid mistake. I lost the girl of my dreams and my mother, the person who raised me is about to die.
So I tried to kill myself in a hotel room, unsuccessful. The next day was the hardest day of my life. The shame and embarrassment that I felt throughout the day was horrific. I was defeated and I didn't know what else to do. the next few months were very hard, I wanted to have a better life, a more enjoyable life. but how?
I read a lot of self help books. 'The Secert' was one that was good. now I am a complete skeptic, but at this stage of my life I was grasping at straws. So I told myself, just try it out fora bit and see. It took me 5 months to find a new job, in that time I didnt want to just do noting, I decided I wanted to do stuff to better myself. I firstly joined a gym. Now I was heavy when this all happened. I was maybe 130kg.
After joining the gym, I pushed myself to do it 5 times a week, noting too serious. I would use the threadmil for 30 minutes just walking first few weeks I could only do 2-3km in 30 minutes. This helped me, a lot. People say healthy body, healthy mind I always thought fuck that shit, thats bullshit. but it's true, I stopped going for a few weeks and I just felt a loss.
Next thing is I needed to get out and meet more people, I used to be someone who stay at home and watch tv shows, play computer games and not socialise. I needed to get out of my comfort zone, I went to a few meetups.com meet ups where you meet other people. Now that was abosusluty shit, I didnt find any new friends. BUT what it did help was getting me out of the house, improving my social skills and helped me with anxiety. I had the mindset that these people are strangers, if you get along with them great, if not you probably wont see them again. So just relax and take it easy.
I was slowly getting out of my comfort zone, but I realized that my comfort zone was causing me a lot of these problems that I had. 7 months later I still have massive embarrassment and am very ashamed on what I tried to do. BUt I am now 90kg in weight, I can run 5k in 28 minutes, I got a new job that took a while to get into but am enjoying it and I am dating a new girl who seems to be 100x times more suited to me(by the way, my other girlfriend who broke up with me was my first serious girlfriend, this is important because I put her on a pedestal and never really seeing the red flags on how much of a cunt she is).
Now I don't know if this will help you, I don;t know your situation. But doing these things really helped me. I told one or two of my friends a few months later on what I tried to do, and they were really supportive. Now that I feel like my life is back in track and I am enjoying it, after not enjoying my life for 6+ years.
Life has highpoints and lowpoints. I was on a very low point for a long time, but It is slowly climbing back up.
If you ever want to talk, or rant feel free to PM me.
EDIT: I forgot to mention, once I started losing weight, I started to find out that I really enjoyed different activities that I alwyas thought were stupid or boring. I had more energy, I went camping and hiking. It really is like I got a new, better life. I still have parts of my old life, I still watch TV and play computer games. but not all the time. this weekend I spent it all playing The Witcher, because fuck its a great game!
[–]Mrfdbirrell 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Im in the same boat different end. One thing I can say is dont grow up whats the point of being an adult if you cant be childish. Yer ive got depression its hard but if you let the little things make you smile like a child asking inappropriate questions or someone dropping something if you can find the grace in the on the bad days they make them so much easier to cope with. Everything that has a start has an end its what you do with it that really matters
[–]ProtoJMan 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
The only way I know is to pick one thing, even if it's the easiest, and do it. Mark things off your to-do list one at a time. It's the only way to not be overloaded.
Congrats on choosing life! Sounds like it was a good thing you called
[–]Douche_Kayak 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
The biggest thing I can tell you from reading some of the stuff here: don't let women be a source of your happiness. You have to learn to be happy by yourself before you can ever consider bringing a woman into the equation. The reason for that is this:
You don't get in a relationship to make you happy. You get in a relationship because you want to make them happy.
And I don't mean that in the "I'm dating a doctor because that's what my mom wants" make someone else happy. I mean that you want to be with someone because you want to make them happy. You want to be the source of their smiles and laughter. And you want to do that everyday. And you can't do that if you aren't happy with yourself.
[–]impfireball 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
The feeling of it being 'too much work' is just a sign of depression. Meditate on it, and you'll come upon a day where you'll be able to take the first or second or fourth step towards a goal.
Take notes about things you plan on doing, maybe write a journal about your thoughts.
Google how to gain work ethic. Personally, I get pretty depressed too, but I get sick of hearing about other people's feelings, so I generally avoid the forums where people are meant to relate in their problems with everyday life, etc.
But if that works for you, find one of them. Knowing other people are going through similar shit can be a boost to the willingness to make things better for yourself, not because other people are able to do it, but because having that social connection helps people. It's a chemical thing.
Life isn't a rush, unless you suddenly find yourself out on the street and out of money. Don't think you have to live up to anyone's expectations, and don't go thinking 'this is it', because it's not. There's no real time out moment. One truth about life is that if your living situation remains consistent, then every day will pretty much feel the same on the outside, and it becomes about just recognizing what you feel on the inside.
Some days, you have the willingness or the energy to change. When you finally accomplish something, you tend to feel better. Or at least I feel better.
[–]FleeForce 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I can't tell if you're trolling, or just being real
[–]anemoneamenity 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
They have already told you what you needed to hear. You just need to figure out what 'focusing on the positives and what you can change' means for you personally.
Become good at something. Become a good cook, or get good at a game or hit the gym and get buff. Stop wasting all your brain power worrying about the other negative crap and it will free your mind up to actually enjoy life and concentrate on other things.
Change your focus from results orientated (I have a crappy job) to process driven (learning this skill will help my career)
Then eventually, bam you're are a happy, friendly guy and you will see things fall into place for you.
[–]jollyfreek♂ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
There was a thread on ask reddit recently where School students would way what the wanted to do when they grow up, and people in that field told them what it was like and provided advice. If you really wanted to follow that career path, then the advice wouldn't have turned anyone away. But all the professionals stated that it was hard work, and you needed a lot of education to get to that point, and people were like "Welp, there goes my hopes and dreams".
You get out of life what you put into it. If you want to not live a mediocre life, you're going to have to put effort into both figuring out what your definition of mediocre is, what your definition of above and below mediocre is, and also how you can make your life not mediocre. It will not exceed your expections on its own.
[–]1one1000two1thousandFemale 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I was in the same boat a few years back. I've been told constantly by a strong woman that, I will never be happy until I do things for myself to be happy. No one else can make me happy. I heard this so many times for so many years. Until I finally accepted it and started doing things to make myself happy. You know what? I can say for the past year, I have been happier than I've ever been. I can say that I'm happy and actually mean it! I love where I am today. I love (for the most part) who I am today. The things that I don't like? I'm working on them! But in general, accepting everyday as it comes and enjoying the journey, no matter how bumpy. But the funny thing is, for the most part, the ride has been pleasant, even through the bumps. :)
Good luck to you! My new chapter started out with a hotline too. This is the first step! You've got this!
[–]devils_avocado [score hidden]  (0 children)
Do you feel you are bi-polar?
Many people who have "mediocre" (or worse) lives are able to find happiness despite their circumstances.
I feel you can be dissatisfied and feel the need for personal improvement without feeling suicidal.
Perhaps you should talk to a doctor to ensure you are in a good state of mental health.
[–]emphesymFemale [score hidden]  (0 children)
look at posts there and maybe make a post yourself!
[–]FreddyFeelgood 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I wanted somebody to listen to me and tell me that everything is going to be OK
I can't promise you that. Nobody else can. Just you.
Here's what you do. Fuck anything you're not good at and don't want to do, find something you are good at that brings you happiness and work with that.
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      [–]Tardytimetraveller 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
      Whatever, you are old enough to bring yourself up now.
      Comment deleted or removed[–][deleted]  (1 child)
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        [–]-iusedtobecool 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        Spend all your money on a personal trainer and get in the best shape you'll ever get in. Ofc there are other things but this is simple and has helped me a lot
        [–]Noodlexbowl -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
        Here is what you do: go watch netflix and lots of it, it will make you happy. Comedy and actions preferred.
        Then go take a class in something active like dance, work out, martial art. Something that cost money!! That way you will stick with it.
        Don't have money? Then work. Take any job that you can get and just work so you will forget everything else.
        Don't like your job? Find a different one, money doesn't matter, just something to make you HAPPY.
        Ladies problem? There is your problem right there, stop putting the pussy on the pedestal. Bros before hoes will make the hoes come flocking. Like for real, treat them like a God, they will treat you like a slave. Treat them like dirt and they will stick like mud.
        (I am not encourage women abuse, I am just telling you that women are not important, but because you make it a priority it will ruin your life)
        Short? Work out more, every short guy does this.
        Weak will? Well looks like we're stuck with the netflix solution then =D
        [–]M0DESTISHOTTEST -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
        I have lots of thinking and growing up to do.
        I dont like to say growing up, that makes it sound like a strike against you. I'd say you just need to open up your perspective a bit.
        I think the single biggest strike you have against you isn't what you look like, that can be fixed. The biggest issue you have is laziness and lack of discipline. If you want to be sad for you situation, fine, hell I feel the same way also. But you have to keep moving or end up in some kind of black hole of despair.
        Let's start with a few ideas. You say you want to be a player. No you don't. That's a dead end lifestyle. I know too many players from my past and I see the same thing over and over again, eventually you have to grow up and see it's pointless.
        Yes, sex feels good. Being attractive feels good, but both are very much transitory. The hottest girls always succumb to age. Back when I was young I thought Kelly LeBrok was the hottest woman on earth, and for a moment she was. But age catches up to us all.
        Sex is brief also. I've had tons of it with many different girls. Long term, short term, one niight stands, threesome, some girl whos tits I just sucked in the parking lot of the mall, I could go on forever. But after it was all said and done, I found myself scratching my head wondering what it all meant. For me, the only worthwhile thing was being in love, sex was great and all, but it didn't make my life complete.
        It really makes me sad to hear you base your self worth on how attractive women view you. I understand the reasons why. But THAT PARADIGM IS ONE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF EROSION. Those hot chicks, aren't going to be hot in 10 years. Something thats in a constant state of loss shouldn't have any pull on your very being. Don't let that illusion fool into taking your very life. Kill yourself because of your apathy, your lack of action. BUT DONT EVER KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE HOT CHICKS AREN'T INTO YOU. THEY ARE ONLY HOT FOR A MOMENT, IT'S ALL TOO BRIEF. Don't let something momentary take your one shot at life.
        I don't know your situation. But what I can say for certain, is that every man runs his game different. If you do want chicks (and there is nothing wrong with that), you have to adjust your game accordingly. Nas was right "You lose money chasing women, never lose women chasing money"
        If you want women, put them aside. Focus on being a boss, literally. I think you said something about working on your Ph.D. If that's the case, dive head first into your work or studies. Women love power and wealth, no matter what you look like. Women love ambition, no matter what you look like. You might be unattractive, but that doesn't have to stop you from getting that hottie. Dennis Kucinich showed is that. That nigga got some serious game.
        Just in case you don't know who Dennis Kucinich is:
        Dennis Kucinich was a US representative out of Ohio. He's probably better known for his wife, more so than himself.
        His wife, Elizabeth Kucinich:
        That last pic, that shows it all. He's standing there probably talking politics with his arm around that!
        All hope isn't gone yet, only when you're dead. I hope you'll fight for your life before you call it quits. It's going to hurt, you will cry a lot in the process. But I have no doubt that if you chase success, everything else will fall in place. Chase success and not women, everything will be yours if you play your cards right.
        I wish you success, and I really mean that shit. Not just words of parting. I really hope, who ever you are, you fight for your success and attain it. Blessed be.
        [–]rhilesFemale [score hidden]  (0 children)
        What an ugly view of women you have.
        [–]PassionateFlatulence -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
        Boo hoo. But it sounds like ure finally figuring things out.
        [–]whiskey_clitFemale -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
        Don't kill yourself.
        With that being said, don't you see the freedom and power those ideas give you?
        [–]SexistFlyingPig comment score below threshold-13 points-12 points-11 points  (1 child)
        There are two parts to growing up, no matter what age you are.
        First: physical. As a man, you must lift. This isn't something that can be negotiated or discussed or argued about. You. Must. Lift. There's lots of ways to start. I recommend StrongLifts 5x5.
        First: mental. You have to get your head in the right place. Most of what you've been told in your life about how women think and how they behave is a lie. You have to PM me to find out the truth.
        Yes, I know they're both firsts. You don't have time to fuck around, you have to fix them both at the same time. It's going to take all your free time to do it, so get to it!
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        70%
         
        80%
         
        90%
         
        100%