jump to content
my subreddits
more »
Want to join? Log in or sign up in seconds.|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
6 points (75% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

relationshipsRelationships

subscribeunsubscribe529,526 readers
6,189 users here now

Filter Posts :

Or, Message The Moderators for all other information.

/r/Relationships is a subreddit for asking specific questions about any aspect related to your relationship.
Post anything that is relevant to your current relationship that you want to discuss. Make sure that it's a question, which will invite answers and offerings.

Rules for posting to /r/Relationships
  • This sub is about helping people in need - If you are not providing such help (i.e. abuse, jokes, meta arguments, fighting with other posters, pointless tangents), your comments may be removed. Please report comments that you feel are in violation of these guidelines to keep discussions constructive. Please read the Wiki before posting or commenting.
  • Ages, genders and relationship length required!
  • Spelling, grammar, and readability count!
  • Include a TL;DR! - a brief summary at the end of your post. No "See title".
  • No gift suggestion posts or general questions
  • No photos, links, or videos
  • Please don't feed the trolls or request proof. Use the report button instead!
  • Do not repost removed material
  • Do not request personal info, including pics.
  • Crossposting to other subreddits will result in an instaban.
  • No politics!
  • Do not encourage violence or criminal behavior, even as a joke.
  • Be respectful at all times.
  • Most importantly, abuse, bigotry, misogyny, misandry, gendered slurs, agendas and encouraging violence are not tolerated in our community and will result in a ban. Don't be rude.
  • Assign proper flair
    • Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships
    • Infidelity -issues of suspected or actual cheating
    • Breakups -break-ups and any issues with your ex
    • Dating -new people in your life, crushes, unclear relationships, or things shorter than 1 month
    • Updates -"UPDATE" needs to be in the title. Link to the previous post, which cannot be deleted. Original post cannot be on the front page or within 48 hours. The update needs to be about the solution. One update only.
    • Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships
    • Non-Romantic -issues with family, friends, or coworkers.

Related subreddits

a community for
Use the FAQ link at top to familiarize yourself about community. Please review the posting guidelines in the sidebar at right before submitting.
submitted by ReluctantMisogynist
I'm a pretty stereotypical "nerd". I'm very introverted, love video games, metal, and movies before sports and bar hopping, and even land on the autism spectrum. However, unlike most nerds, I actually hate women. I do not like them, and would probably have no interest in them if I weren't sexually and romantically attracted to them. And this dichotomy is really tearing me up inside.
I know people will be very angry at me, and even accuse me of being a troll. But I never wanted myself to be this way. Nobody grows up thinking "Boy, I sure would love to hate women when I'm 22!" But for about a year now, I've been losing my patience in trying to find common ground. It's very hard to find women who have the same interests as I do, especially attractive ones. I can barely talk to many of them beyond small talk, and many actively disgust me with their pettiness.
But what really makes me dislike women is that none of them seemed to have cared about me beyond my immediate family. In my entire life, I have received absolutely zero comments from other women about my attractiveness. I'm not a pound overweight and take care of myself, yet it seems like there is nothing I can do to get the other sex interested in me. I'd be happy with even one or two, but I never even got that.
What's truly hurtful is that women have shown no kindness to me beyond basic respect. I distinctively recall two moments with female friends and acquaintances. One was with a girl where we shared an obscure anime interest. I thought we were close, but when I had a breakdown and asked for help, she pretty much ignored me and told me to see a psychologist (which has never worked for me). With another girl, we were talking about self-harm and I mentioned I tried a few times when I was younger. She immediately told me I was being an attention whore. I feel like vulnerability is a requirement for relationships with me, and every time I open myself up to a girl, even as a friend, it blows up in my face.
I feel I have no use for women other than as a sexual/romantic outlet. Maybe one day, when I conquer my fears and become successful, I can be attractive to a woman. But such a person would only be seen as an object in my eyes, since they were never there for me when I needed them most. I hate judging large groups of people, but being kind and fair to them has literally brought me nothing to my life, not just no romance, but no connection whatsoever.
Is there a flaw in my logic? I know people will say "not all women are like that!" But I don't believe that life was created with any sense of fairness. If women only respect men with an abundance of resources, status, or confidence, then that's just the reality I will deal with. Likewise, I do believe that men give more respect to pretty woman, and would probably hate men if I were an ugly, romanceless girl. But that's not the current situation. Thanks for any genuine advice.

tl;dr: Do not like women in any way beyond sex and romance. Might stem from lack of attention and constant poor experiences. Is there any way to recover my view of them?
all 25 comments
sorted by:
best (suggested)
[–]AdviceToSaveYourLife 20 points21 points22 points  (4 children)
You feel entitled to female appreciation beyond your family. You're not. Nobody really owes anybody anything beyond basic social respect, and that goes for both genders. Accept that and it should help.
You seem to look at women in the frame of what they can do for you, give to you or make you feel. Focus on what you have to give...not what you can get. What do you have to offer?
Also, you may have some mental illness or social interaction issues clouding your perspective. Do some reading on this subject men and women and dating and dealing with emotional issues. Best of luck!
[–]ReluctantMisogynist[S] comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points  (3 children)
But the thing is, men have been there for me. Even when I only had my company to give, my best friends were with me during my worst moments. I don't expect "#1 Man of the Year", but I can't even get a woman to care about me as a friend.
[–]liquidmccartney8 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
Well it's kind of a self perpetuating cycle. You said if yourself that you basically hate women and are only interested in them because you're attracted to them sexually. Do you think you're such a good actor that this doesn't come across at all when you're interacting with women?
[–]Lt_Lump 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
... because you treat men and women differently.
[–]AdviceToSaveYourLife 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Many women could say the same things, the girlfriends who show them love and caring while guys tromp all over them and disrespect them. The issue isn't the entirety of the other gender. ..the issue is you reacting in a way that creates anger and hatred towards entire groups when you don't get what you want.
It's an unreasonable and extreme reaction. That's on you. Your situation is not rare but your reaction is unhealthy.
Ask yourself, how will hating women help or benefit you? How will that bring you closer to what you truly desire?
You're only hurting yourself if you continue to add up your life situations to equal hating women.
And if one suddenly were to fall for you would you then feel totally different? Women would be great then? The issue is you, not "women".
[–]Lt_Lump 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
none of them seemed to have cared about me beyond my immediate family
... you just posted an essay about how much you hate women. Why would any of them coddle you? You have said, over and over, that women are objects to you. Why would they show you kindness? You're not kind. You're not kind in your mind and you're not kind in your heart.
Women are fundamentally the same as men. Women are not responsible for the things you hate about your life and your self. You hate women because hating women feels good to you and because you like it. You want to get better? Stop letting yourself self-sooth with petty, puerile, misdirected anger.
Everyone wants love and kindness and tenderness. Start looking for opportunities to feel and demonstrate that instead of wallowing in resentment. Change yourself into a person who attracts love and kindness and tenderness.
[–]ReluctantMisogynist[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
These were actually before these thoughts started stemming. I never treated them with an ounce of hate. They just really didn't want to deal with weak guys.
I volunteer at forest preserves/farms. I helped people (men and women) to the best I could at group therapy. My friend once said I'm the only person he knows who has never talked down anybody. I am kind. I'm just noticing it has done nothing for me, despite a my need to form close bonds.
[–]afloralcouch 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
You don't view women as people, of course you have a problem with an entire group. You make friendships with women with the expectation of being able to be vulnerable and then upgrading them to a sex object later, that's not how people work. People in general aren't great at dealing with other people's shit, you don't know what those two girls were going through at the time and it's incredibly selfish for you to rely on ANYONE but a trained professional as your emotional crutch. Friends are there for each other sure, but you don't dump all your emotional baggage on someone and expect them to fix you. There are healthy boundaries that make any type of relationship workable.
As to how to fix your problem? Make friendships with women without expectations. Be kind and happy to other people without expecting anything in return. People don't want to hang out with miserable people, they actively avoid those. Learn how to treat women as friends and people before you even think about romance.
[–]ReluctantMisogynist[S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (1 child)
Already tried that. Didn't work well. And therapy has always been awful. In my last session, when I was skeptical that therapy wasn't working for me, and opened up about my deeper issues, my therapist (a female one) literally replied "That's bullshit." I don't have the time, money, or effort to go through things like that again.
I'm willing, and have listened to, the worst of people's problems. I've even tried to calm people down after they were having sexual assault flashbacks. Only men treat me the same way. Why be kind when you won't get anything in return? Its like people will be constantly be using me. Why donate your money to fortunate, but when you're in poverty, people tell you to go fuck yourself? It seems exploitative to me.
[–]TexBat 22 points23 points24 points  (0 children)
I don't think you're a troll. I think males exactly like you are a dime a dozen, unfortunately.
Therapy. You have a better chance of changing your personality before age 30 so time is of the essence here.
Also only hang out with quality men (if they'll let you- you might have to buy a couple of rounds to incentivize them). Don't hang out with people like you.
[–]ParappaTheRaptor 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
Because you only see women as a romantic/sexual target, you are not allowing yourself to form friendship bonds with them. Friendship bonds are the things that can grow into something more, and that make women feel comfortable around potential partners. You need to start viewing them as equals. That will probably require therapy.
You are painting with such a broad brush. You got burned by a couple asshole girls and assigned that lack of caring to all women.
Basically, I think you need to work on finding empathy for other people.
[–]ReluctantMisogynist[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
I have in the past, but that didn't really get me anywhere. Women mostly didn't display interest in me. When I finally left a given group, they were none for the worse. Whenever it be a friend group, club, or job, I can't seem to get them to be my friends. So I kinda gave up last summer. :/
[–]fromelephant 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Here's the thing. I have guy friends! Half my friends are male. I compliment them and listen or their problems. I am a girl. They listen to me and compliment me. I do it because they are my friend. I definitely really enjoy being there for my friends.
You seem to never get along with women. They don't compliment you, they aren't nice to you etc.
It is easier to see the problem as not your fault. It is easier to blame women. That is so easy to do; however, just like men, there are good and bad women. You get both good and bad women to not like you. So even if a women wants to compliment you, you make them not want to.
You need to self reflect and see what about oh makes you not likable. You also need to realize that you are the unlikable one; not women.
[–]teenlinethisisnitro 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
"I thought we were close, but when I had a breakdown and asked for help, she pretty much ignored me and told me to see a psychologist (which has never worked for me)."
I hope in the future you realize that this is EXACTLY what a friendly acquaintance would do. Recognize that you need help beyond what they can give and refer you to someone who CAN help.
[–]RuhWalde 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
Let me ask you this - how many times have men commented on your attractiveness? How many times have men offered you extensive emotional support to help you through your psychological issues? If the answer to both questions is "zero," then your experience with women and men has been essentially the same. You're just expecting more from women, and you feel entitled to receive more from women.
[–]ReluctantMisogynist[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Two guys have encouraged my appearance. One was a good friend, the other a cuddly bisexual. I'd say I've had numerous men aiding me throughout the years. A minority, but I could probably count them on two hands. I think a lot of guys aren't comfortable with being very positive around each other though. :/
[–]coffee_goddess 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
If nothing else, seek therapy for the sake of your career and general life happiness. Probably good if your childhood doesn't hold you back from getting along with 54% of humans.
[–]Population-Tire 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
You should know that what you're describing is actually (and regrettably) pretty common. Both society and your biology are telling you that you need to get a girl, and when you can't for whatever reason, it breeds resentment that gets pointed at what you perceive to be the cause: women themselves. This is how red pills get born: the belief that women don't want to be with them because women are cruel/manipulative etc. rather than the guys looking inwards and finding out why they aren't desirable partners. The fact that you recognize this is good and means there's hope.
Therapy is a good start, but I want to point out a few things in your post that need attention.
I thought we were close, but when I had a breakdown and asked for help, she pretty much ignored me and told me to see a psychologist (which has never worked for me)
It's not your friends' job (regardless of gender) to be a therapist for you. Many people don't have the ability to help you through a breakdown, and it isn't their responsibility to. She told you what seemed like the best course of action, and if I were your friend, I would have told you the same thing. If you're having issues, you need to seek professional help. Also, you get from therapy what you put into it. If you don't try to take it seriously and work with it, it can't help you.
I have received absolutely zero comments from other women about my attractiveness. I'm not a pound overweight and take care of myself, yet it seems like there is nothing I can do to get the other sex interested in me.
Physical attractiveness is for most women, not the most important attribute in finding a partner. Confidence, communication, and empathy will get you a lot further than washboard abs.
Most importantly, remind yourself that women don't owe you anything. You're not owed a girlfriend or sex. These things are born of a partnership or a union. You can't have them without respect. Women are individuals, and the reason one isn't interested in you may not be the same as the next, but they are allowed to not find attractive and it doesn't mean they're wronging you.
[–]Waitingforadragon 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I hate judging large groups of people.
Then just don't do it.
It's not logical to blame an entire group of people for bad experiences that you had with a couple of them.
I'm an ugly women and I've had some horrible experiences with some men. In general I receive very little attention from men beyond basic respect because I'm not particularly desirable.
I don't hate all men as a result because it would be incredibly illogical to do so. It's not all men's fault that a few men have harassed me, made cruel comments or treated me badly, so why would I hate all men? I'm not owed anybodies attention, romantic or otherwise simply because I exist and I'm happy with the basic respect I am shown. I'm not owed attraction.
It's very rare, even in the modern West for a women to make comments about a mans appearance to his face. If you browse Reddit for long enough and check out the 'What's the best compliment you've ever received' threads that pop up on Ask Reddit from time to time you'll see that a common response from men is that they never get compliments. It's got very old cultural roots that don't really apply anymore, but for some reason that tradition still persists. So it's not just you and it's not a judgement on you.
Your bitterness is only going to shut down any opportunities you might have for romantic success because bitterness is very visible and it's a massive turn off to a women because it's literally threatening and frightening.
If I'd written off men at your age I wouldn't have met my husband, or I might have met him but I wouldn't have been open to the idea that despite my flaws someone might actually like me for who I am.
I want to revisit your comments about the two women you had bad experiences with.
I agree that the one who called you an attention whore when you disclosed your past self harm, was very wrong to do so. It was a very ignorant response.
I'm not sure that the Anime girl did you wrong though. Not everyone has the strength to deal with someone having a mental breakdown. That stuff can be extremely scary, she may have felt out of her depth or frightened. She might have her own mental struggles you don't know about and simply not had the strength to help you at that point in her life. Directing you to a therapist was possibly the only thing she could have done.
On another note I think you might be limiting your options by focusing on women who you have shared interests with. It's great to be able to share a hobby or interest with a partner but it's not the be all and end all, and sharing an interest doesn't guarantee compatibility.
[–]violettecyrille 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
One thing that stood out to me in your text is that it's very self-focused. I get it. I was once 22 and very self-focused as well. I've learned over the years is that it's not primarily what other people can offer me, but what I can offer other people. This doesn't mean letting myself get walked all over (you have to be selective), but I've found the best relationships I've had were because I gave of myself (time, attention, resources) and didn't come into it with an entitled attitude or unrealistic expectations. I wanted to learn more about the other person instead of tooting my own horn or expecting others to cater to me.
I echo some of what these other posters have said: you may want to reach out for some professional guidance. You say it hasn't worked for you, but I think it can help if you find a quality counselor and make an effort. It's not magic and you do have to work at it. Good luck.
[–]sparkyinbozo 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
So, I think there's two parts to address here:
1 - You sound like you've had some legitimately bad experiences and that they've colored your perception of women. Okay, that's fair, that's a natural reaction. It's really hard to uncolor that, though, without having some positive interactions.
2 - A lot of the complaints you note (being petty, only respecting certain traits) are just general to humans. And it sucks, but humans kind of suck. There are a number of reasons why you only might've noticed it in women, confirmation bias being one, but it's a pretty general thing.
...
So, I guess there's a third thing, too. You describe some interactions, but it's really hard to give a fair assessment of how a person was acting unless we know you/them or have some third party window. Maybe there's opening up too quickly, maybe it's coming out wrong/awkwardly, maybe reading people incorrectly, I don't know. I'd seek out friends or family who have been around those things.
I do hope things get better for you, it sounds like you've had some real struggles outside of the whole women thing.
[–]Beautiful_Tuna 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Is there a flaw in my logic?
Yes, inadequate sample size. You met about two women who were assholes, you never had a Pixie In Shining Armor swoop down apropos of nothing to tell you how handsome and wonderful you are, and you extrapolated waaaay beyond that.
Next time you have an opportunity to interact with a woman, try to dispel any sexual thoughts, and treat her exactly like you would treat a male friend. Don't bring up any gender issues. Don't treat them extra-super-nice. Discuss other topics. More exposure to more women will probably give you perspective about how some people are cocks, and some people are kind, and gender isn't a very big factor in the global asshole ratio - it just changes the way they manifest.
[–]No_regrats 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Is there a flaw in my logic?
Several:
  • you apply double-standards to men and women, hence more women failing your standards (for instance, you talk about looking for women to share your interest AND being attractive, something you probably don't require from male nerd friends; you criticize only women when both gender have not complimented your appearance except twice in 22 years for men etc.)
  • likewise, I bet you often fall prey to the confirmation bias. Essentially, you look for the worse in women but don't in men and you make excuse for men's flaws (for instance, if they aren't comfortable with being very positive around each other, it's because of the way they are raised) but not for women (have you thought that maybe they've been raised to not lead men on and that's why they are more reserved with complimenting the appearance of men they don't intend to date?)
  • would you want to be friend or nice with someone who was highly prejudiced against men (or nerds) and talked about them the way you did? Because you have a shitty view and attitude regarding women, they'll be shitty in return. It's a vicious circle.
Honestly I do think therapy could be a good advice (especially CBT) because it's your entire mindset that you are trying to change and because all the things I've mentioned are a feedback loop / vicious circle so you will only get more entrenched in your negative views. I also liked the suggestion of befriending men who do not share your opinion and have women in their social circle (I don't mean studs but men with female friends and/or in long-term relationships).
Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2016 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
π Rendered by PID 10875 on app-245 at 2016-09-06 17:18:10.402408+00:00 running 7461f97 country code: DE.
Cookies help us deliver our Services. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies.  Learn More
0%
10%
20%
30%
40%
50%
60%
70%
80%
90%
100%