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#twoxchromosomes on Snoonet

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submitted by annashefia
Not sure where to begin, I was young and dumb (with daddy issues hence the age gap) and was "star struck" by a man with wealth and popularity. He owns 2 companies and very wealthy. I've been managing one of his companies and I still have no access to the money after 6 years and it's still "his money".
I've left him 3 times before all while moving out in secret and every time I've come back. If you know anything about narcs than you know how charming and manipulative they can be. I am a strong minded and willed person, and like to think of myself as smart until it comes to him.
Anyways I've finally decided this is IT and I'm moving on the 15th, and of course I have to do it in secret and all within hours or he will flip and who knows what will happen to my things "he bought".
I have been doing lots of research and I have to commit to a no contact rule for myself or I will be tempted to give in to him again.
I have found myself for weeks wanting to post on here for advice but scared what reaction I will get. Hopefully positive. I just need help, from people who have left abusive relationships and are happy again, I'm having a hard time with this, I know I'm going to go trough a grieving process even if the relationship was bad, it was still a big part of my life.
I thank god have money saved and a new job lined up andI have enrolled in community college to start the end of the month and moving to a new city, so hopefully with all of this I can stay distracted but of course I don't have many friends because I alienated myself in my relationship (none of my friends or family approve and he is not welcome around any of them) so I have no one to really TO about this that truly understand what I've been through.
I'm sorry this is long, it's even longer in real life haha. Thanks for reading.
I have also posted this in relationships, forgive me if you've seen this there as well.
all 37 comments
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[–]jimmymorrison 27 points28 points29 points  (0 children)
First off I wanna congratulate you on your bravery. It takes a hell of a lot of balls to buck up the courage and finally say enough is enough. Some women never get to this point and some just ride the storm and some women aren't even that lucky. You only have one life and deserve to be happy. The time to be strong is the times when you seem to be lonely in a new city by yourself but you have stay strong and not contact him. My wife was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and did what you did, got out in the middle of the night, it was tough but 7 years on she's been with me almost 6 years married one and expecting our first child the reason I'm telling you this is because it might seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel but trust me there is. I don't know you but i am proud of you for doing this whilst you're still young. Good luck. 😊
[–]her_nibs 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
If you know anything about narcs than you know how charming and manipulative they can be.
Yes, but this is interspersed with totally awful behaviour; just stay focused on that.
A 31yo who would pick up a teenager is a fucking mess. Do see if you can't get yourself to a therapist; there will be a lot to unpack, and they are useful for transitions in general. Do stay single for a good spell or else you'll be at high risk for ending up with another loser -- you really need to take the time to process why you were willing to stick with this for so long so you don't repeat the same mistakes.
I take it you don't live in an area that recognises common-law relationships? Here, you'd be paying for the therapist with your alimony cheques.
Make sure you cover your tracks; I had a fling with an a real narcissist of an attorney a while ago, and a couple of weeks ago had to shoo him out of my kitchen when he stopped by to "visit." "But the door was unlocked..." Fortunately he's harmless, but he is also very mindlessly persistent, having real trouble with the concept of "piss off." I made the mistake of telling him he could come round for a visit last Xmas; it was a pleasant afternoon and I wondered if he hadn't figured out how to behave. Of course some utterly bugfuck vitriolic e-mail followed shortly afterwards. I didn't reply, and after an interval it went back to the usual 'please can we be friends again' sort of e-mail. Do not bother reading anything you get from him, lock down your social media, make sure anybody you know knows to not give out your whereabouts to anybody.
[–]BertioMcPhoo 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
I went through a similar experience many years ago. It was terrifying planning the leaving and keeping the secret but luckily I had a couple of friends who were helping me out.
The actually leaving felt great and I had no regrets. Zero contact was extremely important because I was vulnerable to manipulation. The hardest part was self doubt and loneliness that would follow. It's really important to tough it out and make sure you maintain zero contact at this stage. I told myself my friends who stuck by me and helped me get out would have been so upset with me that I couldn't let them down and that worked in my fragile state and strong concern for others over myself.
I was with the guy since I was 16 so it was not a normal relationship or breakup and I came out with shattered self confidence and so much self doubt. I taught myself to fake some confidence and that took me over the hump to semi-normalcy but it was a long hard year. I had been living a lie to my friends ( from work-I lied about my age to get the job earlier and had to keep it up) and they had no idea how young I was and how screwed things were, how isolated and messed I was and if I could go back and do it again I'd find someone to trust and be able to tell the truth to because it was such a huge burden to bear alone.
[–]freckledirewolf [score hidden]  (0 children)
Reach out to your friends again, I would bet they would be happy to build a relationship with you again now he's out of your life.
[–]parannoyedandroid 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
It's not easy. It will get better. In a couple of months, you'll be thinking that you didn't know your life could be this good.
You don't need permission from anyone but yourself here, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. You are allowed to grieve this part of your life being over. You are allowed to miss the person he was when things were good for the two of you. That's okay. You are allowed to wonder how a single human being could possibly be this fucked up. You are allowed to be sad and fucking pissed that people like this exist and you are allowed to be sad and pissed that one of them got to you. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to blame yourself for the way he treated you, or for not getting out sooner.
You WILL get better. You WILL make friends. You will be happy again. Please just be safe... never let him know where you are. You can do this. You will be okay.
I dated/ lived with my abuser from ages 19 - 22. My recovery was not easy. I turn 25 this month. I'll have escaped three years ago in November. I repaired so many of my friendships, and my relationship with my family has never been solid but they are my family, and we are on good terms. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful, loving, kind man. I finished my bachelors degree in May. I have a good job, and I'm currently looking for a better one.
This will not be easy. You will be god damn miserable sometimes. Do not give up. Things can only improve the second you walk out that door.
[–]xanaxhelps [score hidden]  (0 children)
I moved to a new city and used Reddit meet ups to make a couple of friends. I recommend it for sure.
[–]Unicorns are real.purgingitall 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
It sounds like you have a really great plan for yourself. Best of luck to you in your new life!
[–]RainyDayRose 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Stay strong and good luck.
[–]Not_epics_ps4 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Just remember its not supposed to be easy. And the things you feel aren't gonna kill ya. Try to remember every time we were in pain an felt shitty and thought it would last forever. It went away. And even if it didn't we learn to live with it.
When ya miss the fucker just know its natural, but you'll get over it. Sounds like you've got it all planned out so just don't relapse.
If you're ever feeling weak enough to contact him do squats or push ups till ya can't move :)
[–]modestmouselover 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Not really a lot to add, but you must do this for you. It is alarming that you began dating when you were 17 and he 31ish. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. I've been going to my CC for a little over a year now and have really enjoyed it, hopefully you will As well! If you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me. I wish you the best, and just know you are capable of doing this and going no contact.
[–]junkyardboom13 [score hidden]  (0 children)
I am so happy for you. This is a wonderful decision. My husband was in a similar relationship before he met me. He's told me many stories of his and i can only imagine a life like that. You're strong and will be so much better on your own than in a relationship like that.
[–]Liminal-Nominal [score hidden]  (0 children)
I can tell you from experience living with a narcissist is difficult after the fact because they are clever and very effective at turning things around on you. You may have some residual doubts about your decision. Don't give in to them. You're doing the right thing by establishing a no-contact rule for yourself.
[–]84121629 [score hidden]  (0 children)
17 dating a 31 year old and it didnt work out? I'm fucking shocked.
[–]SnoopynPricklyPete [score hidden]  (0 children)
Well it is his money, after 6 years or 6 days isnt that irrelvent? Just get outta there asap don't worry about trying to get money from him
[–]ISpitFireXI [score hidden]  (0 children)
I gotta say, the fact that you started the story off with how you can't find a way to his money (which, as the business owner, he has every right to keep for himself) makes it seem like this is more about money for you.
I mean, if he's mistreating you, then great! Way to go, kudos to you for having the strength to leave him. However, just because you manage one of the companies does not mean that he has to give you the bank account. Managers are managers, and are paid as such. Owning a company is completely different.
[–]goodyblake 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Take things day by day and don’t lose sight of what you’ve accomplished every day. Write your goals down, look at them every day—but don’t beat yourself up if takes longer than you hoped.
It's helpful to make a habit of checking in with yourself throughout the day, e.g. “did I like the economics lecture, or that dog over there, why?” Since you’ll be leaving the stability of that hell which you’ve been in for so long, you’ll be facing a lot a newness with your daily life and yourself as a single person. One way to prevent the breakup from messing with your head (i.e. making everything seem horrible) is to spend time appreciating your ability to still enjoy life. Since you'll be single, it's also nice to get back in touch with yourself and start redefining who you are without him in the picture. It seems stupid asking yourself these questions at first, but it’s a way of fighting back and refusing to accept misery. It also give you something to else to focus on when you might need it.
Hopefully the community college has on campus therapy or a student activities office that can refer you to low-cost or no-cost mental health services. This is a big change and you're saying you want to make it stick and maybe a professional can help you achieve that goal. Go talk to someone and maybe join a group. The first day of group it a little tough, but it’s worth it.
I went through a messy break up (not as rough as this) and the only people willing to listen to my heartbreak on a regular basis were others who were heartbroken too. We made a formed an informal group and would meet up after work 3 or 4 nights a week for almost 9 months. We’d talk through issues, keep each other from doing stupid regrettable things in desperation, and eventually we talked about the way it feels to be “over” a them. One of the members was a guy who’d been heartbroken for 3 years, he struggle to move on because his guy friends wouldn't listen to any it. He just needed to talk it out and had no one to listen, and he moved on with his life around month 7. I know that's about about a guy's experience, but it was a multi-gendered group, which could be helpful if you're having issues trusting men as you might meet men who in opening up can show you that there are some good guys out there.
I wish you good luck. Don't give up on yourself girl!
[–]FlatronTheRon [score hidden]  (0 children)
Why do you say: my things "he bought"??
If he bought them then stop stealing it
[–][deleted]  (3 children)
[removed]
    [–][deleted]  (2 children)
    [removed]
      [–]myshitsmellslikeshit [score hidden]  (0 children)
      Report him. Report him report him report him.
      [–][deleted]  (11 children)
      [removed]
        [–]DestructiveFury 5 points6 points7 points  (9 children)
        He's 37 and she's 23 and the relationship started six years ago, so when he was around 31 and she was 17. That in itself is enough to see that the relationship isn't a healthy one. Add in him controlling the money she presumably should have earned in managing one of his companies and I think she's right to just cut all ties, especially if she has a way to do so.
        [–][deleted]  (8 children)
        [removed]
          [–]annashefia[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
          Gifts? No. my entire life is, in his mind, property of his because he "bought them" My car keys, my insurance cards, my CATS. These are my THINGS. You don't understand and that's ok. I know a lot of people don't and won't.
          [–][deleted]  (3 children)
          [removed]
            [–]GoalsandGossip 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
            You don't understand. And if you don't want to seek out information on relationships with narcissists and abusive relationships that's fine. But you won't be able to understand and you'll just be self serving and contrary in responding further if you do not seek out that information.
            [–]Asthough -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
            My advocating for her to stand up for herself has absolutely NOTHING to do with a lack of information on narcissists or abusive relationships. Theres a lack of information about this one in particular, but that's not the same thing at all.
            [–]Beyjay12345 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
            It's good you don't understand. I hope you never have to.
            [–]DestructiveFury 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
            Does it matter? Anything given to her should be considered hers and if this is the best way she can deal with leaving, then she should go for it.
            [–][deleted]  (1 child)
            [removed]
              [–]modestmouselover 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
              He is manipulative and probably verbally abusive. That is enough reason
              [–]Kuromimi505 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
              Only part I don't understand is why you would need to keep it secret or have zero contact.
              He's narcissistic. They don't understand when things do not go their way. He will not act rationally or normally to this.
              [–][deleted]  (1 child)
              [removed]
                [–]Liminal-Nominal [score hidden]  (0 children)
                I hope that was /s
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