Antidepressants n some other stuff...

[Eveleivibe]

I Did a silly thing on Sunday. I binged on 1
A whole stripof my citralopran I think I had 12 so I've f
Decided now I'll have 20mg a day instead of 40mg a day. I don't want to have a week without them again n I know it's a silly thing to do but when I'm upset I do that because taking lots of tabs calms me sometimes n I don't have codeine so I do that. They're the only pills I have here n I hadn't binged on them in a few months. Last time I got upset i took 64 nurofen plus. No one knows I've been doing doing n I don't plan on doing it again as I'm going to look after myself from now on.
I started 20mg on Tuesday n apart from changing in temperature I'm ok. Oh n I've only had a McDonalds breakfast n I feel full. I don't feel hungry at all. That's weird because I can't go without food usually.
I'm cooking some eggs because I know that I need protein in me if I'm going to workout later.

I have DOMS n I love DOMS. Did the usual: squats, push ups, balance moves n of course abs.
I love Jillian Michaels she uses tough love but gets the job done. I need that at mo or I'll never get my fitness back n I always said I'd rather be in a wooden box than not be active as being active is my whole life. Exercising relaxes me, energises me, motivates me. I miss the endorphin rush that comes after a high intense cardio session. That is me n I have turned into this person who sleeps in the days, lathargic, feels stiff n heavy, lost my proper homostatus n feels like any sort of physical activity is torture. I wasn't even this way on codeine. I was STILL ACTIVE on codeine. As well as this I have one of the best memories going n lately it's all to por, can't concentrate well n feel like a zombie.


Lwhat the hell has happened to me?

Evey xxx

[n3ophy7e]

Firstly, taking 12 citalopram in one dose is silly and dangerous, and it's not going to calm you down. It's having a placebo effect (meaning that it's not actively doing anything to you from the inside, it's just the fact that you've taken ANY pills that is calming you down. If someone gave you some white m&ms and told you to swallow those it would probably have the same effect). You need to find other ways to calm yourself when you feel panicky. Doing gym work is an excellent way to do exactly that! Although lord do I know how hard that can be when you're feeling depressed or anxious. But it really does help.

Please do not go for days on end without taking your citalopram. Psychiatric medications like citalopram are designed so that you take them at the same time every day and your body slowly builds up and maintains the level of the drug in your body, which makes you feel stabilised and calm over time. Citalopram is NOT like benzodiazepines (e.g. xanax) that will calm you down straight away. They just don't work that way, they are a totally different class of drug.

Please use your medications as prescribed. Try not to skip any doses, and don't overdose for any reason.

I'm really glad you're not going to take a whole pack of Nurofen Plus again. One of the active ingredients in Nurofen (ibuprofen) can cause your stomach to bleed, and you can stop breathing from a codeine overdose. Please be careful.

Do you see a psychologist/therapist at all??

[Eveleivibe]

I wasn't feeling panicky. I had had an argument with a former friend who said I am stupid n come to spoil things as usual along with other nasty stuff when I had spent the previous week worrying over her that she may be ill. I felt like i wanted to hurt myself n have it all done with but it was only a moment. I've taken all sorts of stuff like ibuprofen n paracetamol with codeine, when I'm hurt n ODd but not told anyone just just extremely sick the next few days. I know that anti deps don't affect me like codeine but i do understand what you are saying in a way, but no id not take m n ms because I know they wouldn't hurt me n i want to hurt n punish myself n i wanted all to stop. Then I felt extremely guilty afterwards.

Yes I see a psychiatrist as I get my suboxone from him.

[T. Calderone]

i want to hurt n punish myself n i wanted all to stop.

This is something you really should speak to your psychiatrist about. How often do you see him and how much time to you get to talk in-depth about your problems? You could be doing a lot of damage to your organs by taking large amounts of medications. You have to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to punish and hurt yourself.

[nuttynutskin]

Last time I got upset i took 64 nurofen plus.

Hell, I'm through sugarcoating... If you really did take that much you realize you could've easily died right? That's 12800mgs of ibuprofen into your system, and out of all the ways to go liver failure and internal bleeding is not a very nice one. IMO you need to find a new psychiatrist. The fact that he/she is prescribing 8mgs of suboxone alone just for codeine abuse is absurd. Hardcore heroin addicts aren't even prescribed that.

Taking drugs the way you're taking them isn't the way someone does to get high, it's how they do to kill themselves. I really hope you can get the serious help you need, if not for yourself for your daughter. If you continue abusing/not taking your medication you're never going to get better and you're going to end up with some serious damage to your body if you don't kill yourself first.

[neversickanymore]

I agree with nutty.. IMO you aren't taking these drugs to get "high" you are taking these drugs as a form on self destruction. Taking that amount of a Citalopram is ridiculous and can and will cause an lengthened QT. "Doses above 40 mg/day are not recommended because of the risk for QT prolongation." >source< "A lengthened QT interval is a biomarker for ventricular tachyarrhythmias like torsades de pointes and a risk factor for sudden death." >source< If you are unable to prevent yourself from doing these increadble dangerouse beahviors then you need to check yourself int a residential mential health facility as you are clearly a danger to yourself and to those who depend on you.

[n3ophy7e]

Eveleivibe PLEASE think of your daughter when you're having thoughts of doing harm to yourself. She NEEDS you hun. She cannot depend on anyone else to give her the love and care that you provide. You need to stick around for her, okay?? Please talk to your psychiatrist about this, or, if you feel they aren't doing a very good job please seek a new psychiatrist. Sometimes it can take a few different psychs to find the right one that works for you. Or perhaps you could start seeing a therapist/counsellor. Psychiatrists are generally more about prescribing things, but therapists are more about actually talking through your thoughts and issues, and teaching you coping strategies.

Please take care and think of your little girl

[Eveleivibe]

Oh you're through sugarcoating right? WHATEVER. DONT REPLY TO MY POSTS THEN IF THEY'RE SO ANNOYING. The point was to die. I was being bullied not that anyone cares even a close 'friend' turned on me for kicks - then told me she's still using codeine which has set me back f it im done. Everyone is going to think the worst.

PLEASE CAN SOMEONE CLOSE THIS THREAD AS IT WAS DONE WEEKS AGO N I ASKED FOR ADVICE NOT JUDGEMENT!!

[Eveleivibe]

Eveleivibe PLEASE think of your daughter when you're having thoughts of doing harm to yourself. She NEEDS you hun. She cannot depend on anyone else to give her the love and care that you provide. You need to stick around for her, okay?? Please talk to your psychiatrist about this, or, if you feel they aren't doing a very good job please seek a new psychiatrist. Sometimes it can take a few different psychs to find the right one that works for you. Or perhaps you could start seeing a therapist/counsellor. Psychiatrists are generally more about prescribing things, but therapists are more about actually talking through your thoughts and issues, and teaching you coping strategies.

Please take care and think of your little girl

I DO think of my little girl but thanks for advice. I never asked for a certain ex 'friend' to rip into me.
Not going at you, ok. Thank you care caring xxx

[Eveleivibe]

Oh ffs im sorry i bothered. Im not a looney jesus i was bullied then a former friend riped into me but fk it lets all just start on Evey as usual. Of course we cant say FA about THEM eh. To hell with it all.
I get it! Put Evey through hell but THEY get away with it time n time again n EVEY has to shut it....... To HELL with my hurt.

[neversickanymore]

I feel we are giving you advice and I am sorry you are choosing to look at it as a judgment. My advice is to be honest with you psyciatrist so you can receive the correct treatment so that you can live a peaceful and happy life with your daughter. In order to live a safe and happy life IMO you will need to become honest with yourself; Your friend may have done those things but you were the one who chose to "deal" with your friends actions in the way you did.


Closed as requested.. evel please PM any of the recovery staff if you want this reopened or want to discuss anything.

[n3ophy7e]

Hun we're not ripping in to you, we're just trying to help you

[stardust.hero]

Oh you're through sugarcoating right? WHATEVER. DONT REPLY TO MY POSTS THEN IF THEY'RE SO ANNOYING. The point was to die. I was being bullied not that anyone cares even a close 'friend' turned on me for kicks - then told me she's still using codeine which has set me back f it im done. Everyone is going to think the worst.

PLEASE CAN SOMEONE CLOSE THIS THREAD AS IT WAS DONE WEEKS AGO N I ASKED FOR ADVICE NOT JUDGEMENT!!

Oh ffs im sorry i bothered. Im not a looney jesus i was bullied then a former friend riped into me but fk it lets all just start on Evey as usual. Of course we cant say FA about THEM eh. To hell with it all.
I get it! Put Evey through hell but THEY get away with it time n time again n EVEY has to shut it....... To HELL with my hurt.

Evey, you need to stop taking blunt advice from people who are obviously trying to help as personal attacks/judgement. Sometimes you need to be blunt with somebody (as nutty was) on certain topics because they are incapable of seeing that point of view for themselves. It might be difficult to hear, but usually people who see things from the outside have decent advice to give. In our minds we tend to sugar-coat things and make them seem not as dangerous or detrimental or just plain ignore them, an outside view might not be what we picture or want to picture but sometimes it is what it is.

Ultimately every choice you make is yours, but advice and opinions that others give could help shed light on somethings you were blind/unaware to.

[Tommyboy]

Sorry to post after this thread was closed, but there's something I wanted to add.

I wish I remembered the quote, but it basically says that peoples words are powerless over us, but it's how we react to them that gives them power. Don't let other people get the best of you. If you ignore the negative things they may be saying then they have no power over you!