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Old 01-11-2013, 11:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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An update - where I am now


Hiya all,

I'd like to say thanks to the mods / admins for allowing me back to the forums I really appreciate it. I'd also like to apologise for my behaviour I acted with haste n did not think before I acted. I apologise to Double Barrel, LoveMeNot, Sasha, ImPurfect, Dee n anyone else I may have annoyed/upset.

I am still taking the big C but currently don't feel like going in depth about that if that's ok as over the last fee months I've noticed by not discussing it things seem ok n I am not upset so much.

Boxing day i started back exercising - a 90 day Jillian Michaels programme with a programme called INSANITY mixed in (high intense exercise) n yesterday did 90 mins workout. Bought 5lb ankle weights n enjoy walking round in them. Love exercise it is my first love. Love working out 6 days a week ago n not letting anyone or anything ever stop me being physically active again as its who i am, in my blood n without it I am nothing. It makes me feel alive.

My little girl did her first nativity play before christmas - she played an angel n I'm so very proud of her.

I think for now I'll read the forums n comment if that's ok? I don't want to annoy ppl this time I want to learn my lesson. I was very inconsiderate before - I never thought of others' feelings n was too wrapped up in myself. With the f n f i thought i was helping when what i was probably doing was making things worst for them n for myself. I think the mods were right in stopping me from going to the f n f forums for those reasons n instead of going on n on I should have tried seeing it from their point of view.

I also take responsibility for the big C. Yes I still think doctors shouldn't be so eager to perscribe it when there are other options but I am the one abusing it so i am responsible.

Thanks for taking the time in reading take care everyone
Regards
Eveleivibe
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi again Eve

I'm glad you're taking responsibility, but sorry you don't want to discuss your codeine problem here.

It's kinda the reason people join SR....

I wanted to try and ignore my drug and alcohol problems too, but they didn't go away.

I reckon the issues not whether you talk about it or not, it's doing something about it....or not

You have a second chance here for support encouragement and guidance. It would be a real shame not to use it.

D
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hey eve, welcome back. I know you say you were closed off from the forums but one thing I had to learn was "who am I really mad at?" It usually was me, but I made it out to be everyone else so I didn't have to own my "crap". Empower yourself by letting it out, if you're angry, say how YOU'RE FEELING because you need to let that out, not take another pill. Best to you.
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome back.
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I just dont want to put myself through that again. Last time I had ppl say i was drama queen, triggering etc. i'd rather just read the gorums for awhile until I'm ready if that's ok xxx
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I dont think anyone will call you a drama queen or triggering if you are venting about your life or self, as long as you dont direct it at someone.
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Old 01-11-2013, 03:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I agree, this site is meant for "dumping" and trying to heal ourselves, as long as you're not attacking others... Don't feel like you can't share, but take your time if you feel you must.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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((Eve)) - Welcome back, sweetie

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hiya Amy i E-mailed you awhile back to apologised for how i treated you. You were right i have to take responsibility for my actions you were being honest that I should accept consequences for my actions n I lashed out At you. I was wrong n am deeply sorry for that x
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Old 01-12-2013, 02:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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At moment i am deealing with the b c by exercising.
Christmas time I kind of panicked at the idea of being 3 days without it as I know ppl expect me to drink i kind of got depressed cried my eyes out n bought more. So i did something silly i had codeine n drank as well. Got upset with a family member n took 7 nurofen plus (12.8mg codeine) then was bubbly how ppl want me instead of feeling sorry for myself.
Then after a few days of having only 8mg i felt all fluy n achy but there again there are bugs going round right now. Cause of all that i bought a lot as didn't want to be in that situation again where i hardly have any as i end up
Depressed n upset over the slightest thing.

But think things are getting better now as i'm working out 6 times a week doing intense stuff n talking to like-minded ppl. They seem to like me its nice n they ask me for advice which is ace. So decided nothing or no-one is taking exercise away from me again ever not herniated discs nothing.
Also just received my first assignment for masters n i got 57 which has pleased me. I never expected to get that. So im looking fwd to next modules. I think if I continue this way i'll get bored of codeine n get my 1 love back - fitness! Exercise makes me feel alive, strong, fit. Ive also got a new tattoo of a tiger out of a dark hole, the red mist is trying to force it back in but the tiger is strong n resisting, with the words 'Don't say one day Say Today,' on there.
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Evie,

I so know that feeling of trying to be what everyone wants us to be, taking something to make it so and then still being miserable. Thats how codeine got me in the end, I had no control at all over how I felt. I was completely controlled by the drugs.

You have so much going for you, your interests, your studies and your little girl. That is where your focus lies, not in some awful, false and fragmented high that codeine delivers us
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Old 01-12-2013, 11:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I never thought of it like that. So if I'm depressed when I don't have it or the thought of not having it or it running out does that mean its xontrolling me?
Anyway when i start to think there's something wrong i feel ok n like I've overreacted over things n been like that for months. But when i try to explain ppl take it the wrong say so i don't really bother anymore lol.
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Old 01-13-2013, 07:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I never thought of it like that. So if I'm depressed when I don't have it, or the thought of not having it, or it running out, does that mean it's controlling me?
Eveleivibe,

Only YOU can decide if your use of codeine is controlling you, and that's what is important. Now, if you are asking for opinions from us based on what you've related, that's something else entirely. I really think if you examine in depth the things you've just said recently (in the post @ 2:09 yesterday) there are two answers you can get for yourself out of that information.


Your workouts sound like a very positive step to take, no matter what else is going on in your life. As to the rest, you have choices you can make for yourself. I really believe a positive one would be to NOT focus on what you think other's perceptions of how you should be or act. That way, you aren't trying to live up to some kind of arbitrary standard you feel others are setting for you. You need to please yourself, for the right reasons. Keeping to a good workout schedule is a real positive way to do so; focusing on your school work is another....you didn't mention your Daughter in that post, but that's another aspect worth focusing on, obviously.

As to taking nearly 90 mg. of codeine because you're upset with a family member and used it to change your mood to suit what you believe are their expectations for your behavior, well that doesn't appear to be a positive way to PLEASE YOURSELF.

Take this with a grain of salt if you'd like...or not. Remember, the person you really need to listen to, live with. and act for is yourself, to make decisions on what is right for YOU.

Not your relatives, and not their expectations....yours.
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Old 01-13-2013, 01:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hiya oxy
i appreciate the comment n have sent you an E-mail/inbox.
If I had not taken all that codeine christmas day I'd have been teary n moody so had to take that then drank after because unfortunately in Britain that's whats expected at christmas or ppl think you're a miserable person.
I'd had a disagreement with someone n felt useless as i couldn't do something as i'm partially sighted i went in the bathroom n sobbed, had negative thoughts so took them as i needed all that over so i could be happy again as it was christmas day n i was. Then a family member said i wasn't half goong on.

Please can i ask that no one judge me or be harsh or I won't open up again. I know tough love works for some but it would just make me defensive. I've just got myself in a better place where i feel i can open up about all this in more of a healthy manner.
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Old 01-13-2013, 01:35 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I don't think anyones been harsh at all Eve.

you want to ultimately get off the codeine right?

D
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Old 01-13-2013, 01:39 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I know. People have been lovely. Dee please could I ask a favour? I've missed an e off the title is there any way of editing it? x
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Old 01-13-2013, 03:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hiya oxy

If I had not taken all that codeine Christmas day I'd have been teary and moody, so I had to take that then drank, after because unfortunately in Britain that's whats expected at Christmas or people think you're a miserable person.
I'd had a disagreement with someone n felt useless as I couldn't do something, as I'm partially sighted. I went in the bathroom and sobbed, had negative thoughts so took them as I needed all that over so I could be happy again as it was Christmas day and I was. Then a family member said I wasn't half going on.
Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to stay away from certain family gatherings in which the thoughtless, negative statements relatives make are so upsetting to you that you feel compelled to suppress your emotions to them by taking more codeine. One thing is certain; the only actions you can fully control are you own; you cannot dictate to them what they say about you; likewise, however thoughtless they may be, however unrealistic other's ideas are of proper behaviors are, they did not force you to lock yourself in the bathroom crying, or to suppress those emotions by taking a handful of codeine to block out the pain they caused you.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is to figure out a way to deal with all the negativity these people are causing you, either by avoiding them entirely, or to just accept you cannot control what they say, but you CAN control your own response to it. When those 7 pills wore off, let me guess...the negative thoughts returned, right? The negative thoughts were just pushed aside by a temporary chemical happiness?

Forget what "society" expects...what is at stake here is your happiness and well-being. Allowing others to negatively influence your emotions so badly serves no purpose except to make you more miserable. Don't allow yourself to fall into their inane traps. You can be better than that.

Focus on what's right for YOU, and stop worrying about their ridiculous, phoney attitudes about behaviors and unrealistic expectations. Make YOURSELF happy, don't worry about boorishness from negative people!
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Old 01-13-2013, 05:14 PM   #19 (permalink)
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fixed the title

D
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Old 01-14-2013, 04:09 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Thanks Dee
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