Will i be an addict for life?

Will I be an addict for life now or do i stop being one now im quitting codeine?

dusk1010

Apr 11, 2013

To: Evelieivibe

of course u should stop being one.have u made the decision to quit or still in a delima?I know its easier to be an addict for life than to quit at least for now.I myself quit codeine coz I didnt feel it was worth bein a addict.But then its a very difficult situation im in rite now.Howevr the best is yet to be,that is life without codeine.

nursegirl6572

Apr 11, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

It depends, if you are an "addict" in the true sense of the word, where you abused the medication, took it for reasons other than what it was prescribed for, did things that were out of character to get it, and experiences mental cravings for the drug, then yes, you are an addict for life.

That doesn't mean you're in active addiction forever...you can get clean and stay clean, but once someone has ben identified as being an addict, they really need to stay on their toes, as addiction is cunning, and sneaky.  Some people are clean for decades, only to have it sneak back up on them.  Just because a person stops using, those addictive tendencies don't just vanish forever, they are always there...what changes is how an addict reacts to those.

Try not to get too stuck on labels, what's important is that you have recognized that you have a problem and want to fix it.  That's where your focus should be.  How long have you been using, and how much are you taking?  What are your plans to quit?  A taper?  Cold turkey?  Have you thought about seeking help in the context aftercare?  Aftercare can come in the form of AA/NA meetings, private therapy, or more than one of those resources.

Good luck to you!!

Eveleivibe

Apr 11, 2013

Sorry i worded this wrong. I am being weaned off codeine by my doctor (see other posts). What i mean is does this make me an addict for a lifetime?

Eveleivibe

Apr 11, 2013

Nursegirl i have abused codeine just under a year taking up to 700mg daily. Doctor has put me on 15 mg x 4 codeine phosphate daily as of last Friday so been experiencing w/d etc. and being referred for help.

nursegirl6572

Apr 11, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

If you abused it, and had the classic mental cravings that come with addiction, then you're likely an addict.  Like I said, in the end, the label isn't as important as what you do to address it.  The one advantage to accepting that one is an addict is that it keeps them on their toes...to help prevent relapse.

If a person convinces themselves that as long as they have stopped taking the meds, they aren't an addict, then they are at higher risk for relapse, because they aren't grasping the power of an addiction.  They are underestimating how easy it is at any time for those cravings to turn into using.

It's great that you're seeking help!  It's also great that you've enlisted the help of your doctor to guide you through this process.  That will help a lot.

Keep us updated on how you're doing, and try not to stay focused on being an addict, but rather being in recovery!!

bigeasy1124

Apr 11, 2013

I have been addicted to two different substances. The most recent one being vicodin and oxys. I have been clean for eight months now and I have to say that you almost have to tell yourself that you will always be an addict. Knowing that has made it easier in a way that I know I can't take anything or try anything that could knowingly hurt me. I have just found new safer addictions. I think once you know mentally that you are an addict, you can step back and know that you just can't be ok just taking one of something or trying new drugs or medications. I have been prescribed one medication since I quit and even though it wasn't a narcotic or anything let that, I let my fiance control when I was suppose to take it. It was just a way for me to handle seeing that pill bottle again. I think everyone can be an addict to an extent, some just choose the wrong things to be addicted to.

OpenMind24hours

Apr 11, 2013

I'm an addict. I can't control the use of drugs, even for medical purposes. Someone like my mom wasn't an addict. When she had to take pain medication it made her "dizzy". She didn't like the feeling. Me? I loved the feeling and wanted more.

nursegirl6572

Apr 11, 2013

These quotes sum it up nicely!~~

I have been clean for eight months now and I have to say that you almost have to tell yourself that you will always be an addict. Knowing that has made it easier in a way that I know I can't take anything or try anything that could knowingly hurt me.

I'm an addict. I can't control the use of drugs, even for medical purposes.

Eveleivibe

Apr 11, 2013

Thank you very much for comments everyone. So to clarify this codeine addiction I got if i was to have codeine again in say 30 years i would be addicted again????
What about alcohol? Ive never been addicted to that but when i start on a night out i dont want to stop n end up making a fool of myself.

Sorry to be annoying just getting my head around this all.

10356

Apr 11, 2013

Hi Eveleivibe.. That is true.. 30 years from now if you took codeine more then likely you would fall right back into the pattern you have now.. I myself can not drink alcohol for I'm a addict I do not have a off switch. I'm like this with all drugs. I take till they are gone our I'm out.. I'm a addict and can not take (unless doled out to me by another) any mind altering substance as I have no control... lesa

Eveleivibe

Apr 11, 2013

Ive told my loved ones about my addiction n they are supporting me, dishing out the codeine that I'm weening off n i know they are trying to help but part of me feels resentment n like they're trying to controlling me because they have cut off all my contacts n these contacts (websites) were like gold dust 60 mg codeine phosphate n all i keep thinking is one day they wont be here controlling me n i'll have my codeine, as much of it as I want.
What the hell is wrong with me to think this way?
I confessed all this time last week.

VICourageous Blank

Apr 11, 2013

Hi..I just want to give you a little support..Being Honest to the Family is a Blessing..Cutting off all our sources has to be done..Also not hanging around any one that uses...It is so important especially in early recovery..Addiction is a very powerful brain Disease and it can be triggered at any moment.. I am so Glad to Hear you have Support from your love ones...You just hang tight and ride the wave..You will be walking on the beach real soon..And with a clearer and happier mind....Good Job!!!..
vickie

Eveleivibe

Apr 12, 2013

Thank you.

Eveleivibe

Apr 13, 2013

I have secretly been having more codeine over the last few days n my family think I am sticking to the weaning plan.
I know they love me but i feel like they are trying to control me. When i was going through withdrawals they had a go at me about not well saying i was basically doing it to myself n needed to buck up.
I really don't think they understand how difficult this is.
Plus they drink so i cant really take advice when they haven't givenn up their addictions?

Do others feel like its giving up a relationship when giving up their DOC? Life without codeine seems unbearable but my family do not seem to understand. It's like they think I will just snap out of it n that will be the end of that.

Feeling frustrated.

nursegirl6572

Apr 13, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Those are all normal feelings.  The only person you are hurting and deceiving is yourself sadly.

It's not about them "controlling" YOU, but rather them taking control of your usage, which you can NOT control, you need some help with that.  Also, as for what they do (drinking, etc)...that's not something to focus on, you should be focusing on YOU.  Also, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic...I think you are very sensitive right now (understandably) and you're still stuck on wanting to label everyone.  The concern right now is getting YOU clean, if they have an alcohol problem (which they may or may not....just because YOU are getting clean doesn't mean everyone in your life is going to give up things like alcohol), that is something they will have to face for themselves.  Certainly, it's easier on the addict if their loved ones do not use or drink in front of them, and if it's causing you to have cravings, then you need to communicate that to them, calmly, without being accusatory.  But to expect them to give up drinking because YOU are giving up pills isn't realistic, and it doesn't mean they still cannot help you.

Have you tried looking for any meetings?  Any professional help?  It's really a great idea to get some outside help for this as well.  That will drastically increase your chances of STAYING clean (which is the harder part).

As for what you said about feeling like you're losing a relationship, people say that ALL the time, it IS a loss, you will actually MISS your DOC.  There are two amazing letters posted here that you should read, one is FROM an addiction to the addict, and the other is an addict writing TO their addiction.  They are powerful and amazing.  I'd post them for you, but I have no clue where to find them.  I'll try to find someone who knows.

Hang in there....be patient with yourself.  The first thing you should do is set a goal to stick to your taper.  You will gain so much self confidence if you start really making progress, plus like I said, you're only hurting yourself in the end.  No doubt it's not easy, and many people find they cannot taper..you've enlisted help, try to accept that help, let your loved ones help you to taper.  If you cannot, and you still seek out extra pills, you may want to consider just quitting cold turkey.

Good luck!  I'm thinking of you!

Could_use_some_advice

Apr 13, 2013

You being here tells us that a big part of you wants to quit. Everyone here is extremely helpful and supports your decision to quit and will help you through it, but first and foremost YOU need to be mentally prepared to quit. I know you can do it!

Eveleivibe

Apr 13, 2013

No but why the hell should I have to give up codeine when i dont realy want to n feel miserable ncrave it like hell? It's controlling. End of.

Eveleivibe

Apr 13, 2013

Oh n people CANNOT help me if they are still in active addiction/alcoholism. Its hypocritical n words are cheap as they themselves have not given up their DOCC. I Am sorry but thats made me feel annoyed. I do NOT expect others to give up their DOC but I am expected to give up codeine n i feel as resentful as hell about it. Im 33 but i feel like im being treated like a small child. And im wondering how i get lots of codeine without them knowing n watching as this is MY LIFE but by eck you wouldn't think so hell no. People smoke people drink why can't i do codeine if i want it makes me happy.
I keep thinking yea ok they'll all get their way as usually, take something I love away from me but one day none of thrm will be here n i can have AS MUCH CODEINE AS I WANT!!!!!

Eveleivibe

Apr 13, 2013

And its so annoying they call me addict too.
Well glad i got that out.

VICourageous Blank

Apr 13, 2013

You do what you want to do..It is your life..I hope it does not take your life before it takes everything and everyone away...We here on this site see it as a very serious disease..It does alot of damage to the Brain too..Maybe look this info up on the Disease of Addiction and the Pleasures Pathway"Your real Brain is taken over by a drug/med brain..You know longer think right!!!Nor make the right decision in reality...

nursegirl6572

Apr 13, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Like I said, those are normal feelings to have...but your focus is on the wrong thing.  It boils down to whether you really want to do this or not.  If you're not at that point where you're tired of the roller coaster, tired of the lying, and the pill counting..then you may not be successful at recovery.

The ONLY thing controlling you for SURE is the codeine.  I GET what you're saying about your family, and I understand that their words sting, if they themselves have addiction issues, but again, that just cannot be your focus.  You have to just take the help for what it is, at face value.  If you cannot get past that, then seek a different type of help.  There are many different ways to go about recovery.

As for this:

People smoke people drink why can't i do codeine if i want it makes me happy.

ARE you really happy though?  You surely don't seem like you are, and you seem like you know very well WHY addiction doesn't work.  Addiction can only have TWO outcomes, if you REALLY think about it.....recovery, or failure..and failure usually comes in the form of death, or jail.  If you didn't need more and more, if the pills weren't controlling your thoughts, and if you weren't a slave to these pills, you wouldn't be here.  And if those things didn't apply, you COULD take codeine with no problems, but then you wouldn't...because you wouldn't be an addict, so you wouldn't care.  They would mean nothing to you.

YOU can seek whatever kind of help you think would benefit you..I personally think you should try a few meetings, to be around people who DO understand what you're going through.  I also think professional therapy, from a therapist well versed in addiction would help you too...because you need to work through all of those emotions, the anger, resentment, sadness, and grief over giving up your "friend", the codeine.  I sure hope someone comes along who knows where those letters are.  I think you should read them.

nursegirl6572

Apr 13, 2013

Ok, I found the one, it was in clean_in_ks's journal.  This is very powerful, I hope you will read it carefully, and a few times.

PERSONAL LETTER FROM MY ADDICTION

Dear ****
I’ve come to visit once again.  I love to see you suffer:  mentally, physically, spiritually & socially.  I want to make you restless so you can never relax.  I want you to be jumpy, nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated  and irritable so every thing & every body makes you uncomfortable.  I want you to be confused and depressed so you can’t think clearly and positively.  I want you to hate everybody and ESPECIALLY YOURSELF!  I want you to feel guilty & remorseful for the sins (mistakes) you have made in the past that you will NEVER be able to let go of……..I want to make you angry and hateful towards the world for the way that IT is & the way that YOU are.

I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everybody but ME for the way things are.  I want you to be
deceitful and untrustworthy…..to manipulate and con as many people as possible.  I want to make you fearful & paranoid for no reason at all.  I want to make you wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me.   You KNOW you can’t sleep without me!  I’m even in your dreams.  I want to be the FIRST thing you think of every morning and the LAST thing you think of before you blackout at night.  I’d rather kill you, but I’ll be happy enough
just to put you back in the hospital or in another institution, or jail……but you know I’ll be waiting for you when you get out!!

I love to watch you slowly go insane.  I love to see all the physical damage that I am causing you; I can’t help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake; sweat and freeze at the same time! When you wake up and your sheets & blankets are soaking wet.  It’s amusing to watch you ignoring yourself….not eating… not sleeping….. even your own personal hygiene……yes, it’s amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time working on your brain……destroying it bit by bit.

I want you to know, I deeply appreciate how much you’ve sacrificed for me…… the countless good jobs, all the fine friends that you deeply cared for….you gave up FOR ME!!  What’s more, the ones you’ve turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions.  I’m even more grateful for them!   And especially your loved ones;  your family;  the most important people in the world to you….you threw them away….for me!!  I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me.  You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself COMPLETELY to me.  But do not despair.  You can ALWAYS count on me.  For after you’ve lost ALL these things, you can depend on me to KEEP you in a LIVING HELL…..to KEEP your mind, body and soul….for I will not be satisfied until YOU, my friend, are dead!

Forever yours,
Your Addiction

I'm going to go find an example of the letters people write to their addictions, also very powerful.

nursegirl6572

Apr 13, 2013

Here's another one I found, letter FROM your addiction.  This one gives me chills to read
.

I am the one who will always hold you when your down.  I’ll love you like no lover ever loved you.  I’ll take all your pain away, make you happy for as long as I can.    I’ll never judge you or laugh at you the way people will.  I’ll always just make you feel as good as you’ll let me.  I’ll protect you from self-criticism.  I’ll always take your side against society.  I alone understand you, and I alone can heal you.  I’m magic, I can make you feel any way you want.  I can make you an artist,  I can help you to draw and write, and think more creatively.  I can give you energy so you can clean your house and be a good mom.  I can make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and oh so comfortable.  I can make you feel like your sleeping on the clouds, so at peace that you’ll never want to wake up.  I can even make you feel like your all-powerful, like you can be anyone and do anything!  I can make you feel like your on top of a train speeding through the night.  I can make you the sexiest girl in the world, the best dancer, the best kisser, the best lover.   I can make other people like you, make you wittier and  more fun to be around.  If only you’ll let me, I promise you the world.  Just close your eyes and let me.  Why would you forsake me?  I’ll never forsake you.  I’ll just take a few things in return for all the wonderous things I’ve given you, but the price isn’t too high to pay is it when I’ve given you everything you’ve ever wanted.  First of all I need money, All that you have should do for now, and when you run out, don’t worry I’ll help you find some more, that’s what friends are for right?  Don’t be upset my darling, but  I’m going to need your self respect also, but as soon as you feed me, you won’t have to worry about that nagging little hang-up any longer.  You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours that’s right.  This one may hurt a little, but I think your children should go live with your mom.  They always get in the way, and they don’t listen to you anyway, I love you, but let’s face it you’re no mother, and I for one can do without the daily dose of guilt, they seem so happy to inflict on you.  I know you love them, and you can see them whenever you want.  You’d be a better big sister.  We’re going to have so much fun, and be so happy together, a vacation every day.  This is the life!  It’ll be like Mardi-Gras some days, when we’ll party till we’re exhausted, celebrating being alive, dancing and spinning till we’re dizzy, and some days it’ll be like we’re sleeping with beautiful angels that will never forsake us.  Remember I’ll give you all these things and more, in exchange for just a few things.  You never have to be alone, but you have to make the effort to keep me too.  You must do you part, and if you slack on your part, then I’ll have to go away for a little while, and I know you’ll miss me. You’ll miss me like you’ve never missed anyone.  You’ll long for me when I’m gone.  When I’m gone your heart and soul will feel empty and barren.  Your memory and your damned conscience will taunt and tease you.  There will be pain when your missin me, but that’s love baby.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I make you a promise to be available to you day and night, I’ll do my part if you do yours ok?  Another thing I feel I should mention before this relationship goes much further, I know we have enemies, like your conscience, but I’ll do my part to fight that.  I’ll chip away at it daily with reasoning and justification. You’re mine, you belong to me.  I will not share you, or have you thinking about leaving me, if you do, I’ll find out and you won’t like the results.  I can’t have anyone trying to steal you away from me, you’re my child, and I will protect you, I am all you need, all you want, what more could you want?  I’ve loved you since you were born, I knew you were made for me.    Don’t ever think that your strong enough to fight me, you we’re nothing before you met me, you were miserable.  Unless you hold me close you’ll be miserable until the day you die, because Life hurts so bad, it always has, and it always will, but I make you a promise here and now to give you comfort and joy, and to ease your lonliness.  I’ll be there for you, if you’ll be there for me.  I leave you now until we meet again, but this I swear to you, no matter how you neglect me, or if you fight me, I’ll always be with you, I’ll never leave you.

Forever yours,

-Addiction
.

VICourageous Blank

Apr 13, 2013

Oh that was good ...Leave it up to Clean to word it so well..I have my own one too..Great idea to put it in my journal..That was soooo true...lol

nursegirl6572

Apr 13, 2013

To: VICourageous Blank

I'm trying to find an example of a love letter written TO the addiction/DOC. I've seen those, and they're great..I think the OP would benefit from reading something like that. Maybe she could even write one of her own.

Do you remember seeing one? I can't seem to find one!

Eveleivibe

Apr 13, 2013

Thanks for showing those. Wow they're very powerful. Where did you find them?x

nursegirl6572

Apr 13, 2013

On this site, various people posted them.

Eveleivibe

Apr 16, 2013

Sigh.... Not really sure what to do as this week i've sneaked a loud of codeine. Ok maybe not tbat much. Today i had a 32 pack of nurofen us at 4 pm n have had them all, yesterday i had a bottle of 200ml (600 mg) of codeine linctus n last Thursday i got a pack of nurofen plus n made that last until Sunday. And i have ordered two more codeine linctus n some codeine 15 mg tabs off another online website that I have just discovered.

So sticking to this 15 mg x 4 daily that the doc set me (n my mam is dishing out to me) lasted 6 days. Sigh.

The issue is my mam n dad keep asking how i am n seem to think im all in my head n dont seem to get it. Today i was walking down the street with my mam n she said look at all those druggies standing over there i hate them. I felt really awkward.  Uhhhhh whats codeine?

They don't understand. They are there for me n supportive but I feel that they think i'll just 'get over it.'  When i was going through withdrawals my mam got a bit angry n said no more sympathy you're doing it to yourself. Eh? Why would I make myself unwell? N the mental part of withdrawal is like hell on earth. I can deal with physical over mental anymore.

I just can't do it without codeine its too hard but I feel no one understands at all. Today i had to go to citizens advice as anyone on incapacity benefit is migrating to a benefit called Employment n Support Allowance n apparently a lot of people are being refused so I'm stressed about this as I've a 4 y/o with me n really am not in the right mindset fpr working (and for me to say that i mean it because i believe in trying work etc.

Yesterday my mam was asking are the craving less than last week n how the hell do i answer that when I'm secretly still doing codeine? N with all this stress i want it more. When in the CAB today with these forms i went blank n all i could think was 'got to get codeine later.'  As soon as i got little 1 fromschool got a taxi went pharmacy n got the n+.

Thanks for reading. Pls don't judge me. They have done in previous forums n all it did was make me defensive.

Hugs,
Evey xxx

gnarly_1

Apr 16, 2013

Hi addiction is a desease there is no known however with some help you can arest it....hook up with N/A it is a big help to me it is the very way we think that has to change to overcome this you wont be waisting your time recovery takes work keep posting for support.........Gnarly

nursegirl6572

Apr 16, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

No judgement here.

You KNOW something has to change (which is good!)...but you feel powerless to know what and how and when.  That's normal.

You have to start somewhere hon.  A GOOD start would be to TRY to stick to the taper.  You're overanalyzing your loved ones, and before, you felt they were hypocrites, so they couldn't possible help you.  Like I said before, just take the help at face value, and try not to get too deep into worrying about what they think, or why they think it, about you, or addiction or anything else.

You REALLY should look into some kind of professional help, and meetings.  You really would benefit from the extra support, and being around those that DO understand.

Wishing you the best...you're still trying to figure this out, which means you want to change this...you CAN...even if it will be one of the harder things you've done.  And it will be VERY worth it, to reclaim your life again..as of now, you are a slave to the pills sweetie.

Prayers for you.

Eveleivibe

Apr 17, 2013

Thanks - you're right about help. Can't really go to NA as meeting is on a Thursday evening n I have a 4 y/o child who goes to bed at 7 pm.

Doctor has referred me to an organisation called the Prescribed Medications Support Service. So I'm waiting for them to contact me. I haven't a clue what they will do give me counselling I think though not sure how that will help.

I cannot imagine my life without codeine. Is this how others felt about quitting the substance they were addicted to?

Eveleivibe

Apr 17, 2013

To: nursegirl6572

What do you mean I'm a slave to the pills? :(

nursegirl6572

Apr 17, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

It's kind of self explanatory...you are a slave to them...HAVE to have them, obsess about them, pill counting, all of the things that go along with an addiction.  The PILLS are in control.  Reread the letters I posted.  I know you can relate.

Of course you cannot imagine your life without them....a LOT of people feel that way...but have you tried to imagine all of the GOOD things about your life without them?  No more worrying about w/ds, no more worrying if you have enough, no more spending too much money (think of what you could buy?!)....being clear headed, being the Mom you KNOW you can be to your child.  When you're stuck in an addiction, that becomes your main focus, over all else...wouldn't it be nice to enjoy your little one without worrying about pills?  This quote of yours says it all...

"N with all this stress i want it more. When in the CAB today with these forms i went blank n all i could think was 'got to get codeine later.'  As soon as i got little 1 fromschool got a taxi went pharmacy n got the n+. "

You wouldn't have to do that anymore.  Instead of rushing off for pills, you could spend more time with your child!  Not to mention the obvious, and the really big one, your health.  You are ingesting a LOT of codeine, which of course can have consequences on your health.  Do you take a forumulation that has Tylenol in it (Acetaminophen)?  If so, you WILL eventually end up with liver damage at high doses (if you don't have it already).  Those are just facts....I think you KNOW in your heart of hearts that no matter what you WANT to do, there's only one solution here...and I honestly think you don't really WANT this anymore either.  Part of you feels that you do, but the other part is sick and tired and fed up...and scared.

I'm so glad to hear you asked for help, and hope that you get that call soon, so you can start reclaiming your life back.  Also, there are usually many different meeting sites and times, did you look into other NA meeting sites?  You seem to have help at home when you need it...couldn't you ask your parents to watch your child while you go?  I'm sure they would be more than happy to help, especially because that means you're getting help and support.  It isn't always easy to make it happen, but you definitely can find a way.

I bet you've been very creative and resourceful when it comes to getting your codeine right?  Most addicts describe being VERY resourceful...well now you have to put that same kind of energy into getting help....like the NA meetings.  You CAN do it.  You really MUST do it, you're on a slippery slope hon, and you want to be around for your child.  700mg of codeine in one day is a LOT.  So, instead of telling yourself why you CAN'T make it to a meeting, find ways that you CAN.

You just have to put the effort in...and hopefully this Prescribed Medications Support Service can start guiding you and pointing you in the right direction.  A good first goal (besides getting the extra codeine you have been sneaking) is to plan to attend a meeting soon.  You can go and just listen and observe.  I think you'd get a lot out of it, personally.

Hang in there!!

VICourageous Blank

Apr 17, 2013

Very Good Nursey..It also includes, beside wanting the pills to feel good or escape from our problems or what ever we use the excuse for, Street drugs and Booze too!!!..

Eveleivibe

Apr 17, 2013

I dont think ive had 700mg daily since i withdraw tho. Around 400 yesterday n 600mg today as codeine linctus has 600mg in it. N+ is codeine with iboprofen. I try to avoid anything with paracetamol (tylenol) in.

I feel like people are trapping me n controlling me n i don't just mean the codeine i honestly wonder what is the point anymore. I never planned my life this way on benefits feeling like a useless piece of *** n wonder what the point is of my existense sometimes.

I dont think they can help me get off codeine. It's the only thing I can actual.

Eveleivibe

Apr 17, 2013

*actually can control.

nursegirl6572

Apr 17, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

I'm sorry you feel that way.  I'm not sure what to tell you to do to get past feeling that way so you can move forward.  Your feelings are normal, but they are holding you back.

You continue to say that people are trapping and controlling you, but do you not see YOU are really the one doing that by continuing to use?  YOU are holding yourself back.  That's not a criticism, just a fact.  I think you're pointing fingers in the wrong direction hon.  The only person who can TRULY help you get off codeine is YOU...no one can MAKE you do anything, especially if you aren't ready yet.  You have to be ready to get clean or it won't happen.  And, NONE of this is a reflection of who you are as a person...you're ill, you need help.

Your usage is awfully high dear.  You cannot continue daily usage like that for too long before it will catch up with you...and of course, you will have to also contend with tolerance, which will make it so that you need more and more, just to function, not even for that high.

It's in your hands hon...YOU are the boss when it comes to this.

vicki595

Apr 17, 2013

Ev- You won't succeed until you WANT to do this. The desire to be clean and far away from pills must be present during tapering, detox, and recovery.
You still seem very ambivalent toward the codeine...and you still like it too much to quit. Try working on that, set up some support for yourself, and start the taper over again.

Put your heart and soul into this and you'll get it done. Forget about the others and their bad choices; this is only about YOU...

Eveleivibe

Apr 17, 2013

I don't have a choice though. I HAVE to give it up because I stupidly told my parents n my mam took me to docs April 5th. Doc put me on 60mg i said that was a big gap ftom 700mg but no obe will listen to me. My parents or the doctor. Why won't they listen to me? I'll always been an honest person.
Even when i was going through withdrawals on day 5 my mam said i was doing it to myself n needed to buck myself up. Wasn't it enough i was trying to give this up for them????????
They seem to think i can just forget about codeine said every time you get a craving think of something else. Wtf?
They take everything i love away. They say they love me but why wont they just let me have it. They got fags n alcohol my mam thinks my dad is an alcoholic. Alcohol is far worst than codeine in my opinion.

Anyway were was I? When i was going through the mental torture of withdrawal all i could think of was codeine, how I'd never have it again, feeling resentful that it was taken from me n kept from me. Another thing taken from me that I love. And how life n everything even things like exercise which i love normally n am/was a fitness fanatic, seemed painfully uninteresting n how summer is coming n I'd have no codeine.

Arrrrggg im rambling sorry. I NEVER want to go through that withdrawal again the physical wasn't that bad but the mental n not sleep, lathargy was TORTURE. My mam thinks it was all in my head. I tell her im now feeling strong emotions, crying more n that codeine stopped all that n she just thinks its all in my head.

So ftustrating when they are not believing me when I've given them no reason not to believe me before. I've always been honest apart from once when i had sn ex n lied about why the police called concerning him.

Can someone help me by explaining all this to me pls as im confused :(

Eveleivibe

Apr 17, 2013

Please could some of you tell me some of your stories re quitting. How did you get to the 'want' stage? When in the withdrawal process, did you yearn for it or not? If you did, how did you deal with it? Did you think back to the beginning, the good times? Kind of like when you lose a relationship? Did you feel life wasn't worth it without it?
I honestly admire people who guve up harder drugs like heroin etc because trying to give up codeine was bloody hard n no one understands at all :( my family think i can just give it up n get on with my life like nothings happened n its frustrating that they don't understand this AT ALL!

gnarly_1

Apr 17, 2013

HI has using made your life unmanagable...??? are you hurting friends and family wile they watch as your killing yourself??? dose your mind race like you cant shut it off when you try to sleep I could go on and on but I think you get the idea here....you can let this desease consume you or you can get some aftercare ......aftercare is how most of us with a lot of clean time do it im a big advacet of N/a its free and the 12 steps work if your willing to work them keep posting for support now that the pills ar behind you get pluged (plugged) into aftercare..............Gnarly

clean_in_ks

Apr 17, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Hi there......I hear your frustrations, your emotions being all over the place and all the questions in your heart......I had them, too.  Each of us has a different breaking point within us.....a time when that "ah ha" moment came for us.....some were forced by circumstances; others had enough pain from the consequences of using;  others simply got sick and tired of being sick and tired.....but there IS hope for all of us as long as we're still breathing.

I'm gonna share a web site that is one of the MOST helpful, informative, reassuring, supportive, educational, emotional web sites I have been on while learning about my addiction.  There are many, many misunderstandings out there in the world about addiction, whether the addiction is alcohol, a drug, or a habit that is destructive to our lives like gambling, sexual addictions, food addictions, on and on.

There is a "stigma" about addicts.....it's deeply ingrained in our society.  Addicts are NOT bad people, weak people, "less than" people, or any of the other "labels" that get attached to us.  We have a chronic but treatable brain disorder where we lose the ability to control our need for alcohol, drugs, or whatever our addiction is.  The pleasure centers of our brain are visibly different on medical tests and brain images.  Please take the time to go to this web site....and maybe your parents or others in your life would be willing to learn from this as well.

The web site is set up with 6 tabs across the top....each tab will open up it's own page......within that page are even more specifics that they break down and explain one at a time....they are in orange lettering.  Also on the right hand side of each main link/tab page are short videos you can watch.
Any place a sentence is in "orange"...it will click open MORE information.

This will bless you.....without a doubt......you will understand WHY your body is craving, why you don't want to stop, why your parents don't understand.....you can click on everything from "Understanding Addiction" and all that page will lead you to.......and then "Stigma & Discrimination" which has many, many articles there, too, one is "Coping with the Stigma of Addiction", "Attitudes towards Addicts", Fighting the Stigma,  another tab is "Aftercare"...Relapse, Enhancing odds of our Recovery, what to do when we DO relapse, on and on.  It was a gold mine for me.  Here it is:

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/

Maybe if your heart can remain open.....and your mind open.....you will have your own "ah ha" moment.  I pray so~  Blessings to you~

Eveleivibe

Apr 18, 2013

Thank you

VICourageous Blank

Apr 18, 2013

I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I have been studying this for at least 6 months now..I have a lot of videos at home and on paper..Besides my God and the meetings this has been my Life Savior..It makes us understand how the Brain works in many ways..Most of us have a emotional issue in the first place..We turn to substance for the pleasure to escape these feelings..Whether it is Depression, Anxiety or even a True Mental Illness...Learning to Live with one Self. We have to reach out for Support so we do not struggle our problems alone..I will pray for us ALL...

Eveleivibe

Apr 18, 2013

I appreciate these letters n stuff but in a way they don't apply to me. I'm only doing codeine. It's not heroin it's legal n im having to give it up so in a few days i'll just stop it again n stick to the taper as i have to.
My parents are selling their business next week n live across the road from me so i won't be able to sneak codeine.
My mam says if she has to she'll ask the postman to take any parcel for me, to them.
Maybe my mams right if i stick to the 60mg taper i'll forget codeine ?

I don't understand why my doctor is leaving me on 60 mg. is he doing this until the organisation contacts me??? And when they do, what will they do with me????
As i've never done anything like this before i really don't know what to expect. I've been on numerous forums about my codeine issues n they're all fed up with me n some have banned me. Said i just blather on n one said stop polluting the site.
I went on a site called codeinefree n one person said 'make up your mind whether you are or ain't addicted to codeine as it's getting tedious.

That really hurt me very much because I was not playing games i genuinely would start to think I was addicted n my mind would challenge this n say you're not addicted you've overreacted. And because i have never done anything like this before - not even smoked a fag (ciggerette) i went to the forums for answers.

I don't think those letters from addiction apply to me because i've only been on codeine 20 months n its just codeine. I'd never try anything strong though I've had thoughts to do so. I wouldn't even know where to look for anyway. It seems like normality to just have loads of nurofen plus my mind does not see anything wrong in doing that although obviousky apart of me knows its wrong.

Also yesterday i felt really hot n thirsty all day i dunno what that was anout but i had a blood test done other day n my liver n kidneys are fine. Felt sicky.

I know i should get back off these quick as my parents will be VERY angry n as my mam is dishing out these n collecting my perscriptions.

Its torture though giving me 60 mg its like giving an alcoholic a tiny shot glass of beer per day their mouth would be water n yearning for more. The door would be shut. I feel like a puppy dog waiting for that little daily.
AND THEY DONT UNDERSTAND.
No one understands. Im a songle going through on my own. No wonder i want codeine. Just wish this sicky feeling would go away.
And i wish my family would let me do codeine. Say she's 33 AND FOR ONCE JUST ONCE WE ARE GOING TO LET HER MAKE HER OWN MISTAKES INSTEAD OF WRAPPINH HER IN COMFY BLANKET.WE KNOW SHE HAS EYESIGHT DIFFICULTIES BUT SHES STILL AN ADULT. JUST FOR F**** ONCE!!!!!!!!! Is that too much much to ask fot

vicki595

Apr 18, 2013

I think taking only 60mg per day is dragging the whole detox out. Consider stopping completely so you can get over the wd's.

You are in denial about your addiction and you still try to diminish it. I said before, if you don't accept it you won't get better. I think your family could use some education, also. They need to understand addiction so they can understand you...

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

abritt121222

Apr 18, 2013

This is something u should not even be worried about right now. You should worry about getting clean first and foremost but this is all a matter of opinion also in my opinion an addict is an addict and always has to have their guard up no matter what the addiction is to I have been clean and still consider myself an addict because I know I am just as close now as the day I was when I got clean to using I am just an addict in recovery but everyone has their own opinion on this. I do agree about dragging your addiction out tho because you are at a very low dose of one of the weakest opiates there is and I would also suggest just stopping and being done with it.

Good Luck and Godspeed
ABritt

ActingBrandNew

Apr 18, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

"I appreciate these letters n stuff but in a way they don't apply to me. I'm only doing codeine. It's not heroin it's legal n im having to give it up so in a few days i'll just stop it again n stick to the taper as i have to"

Most heroin addicts dont start off with heroin....they get there later in life after the doctors cut off the prescriptions or the pills become to expensive....

Eveleivibe

Apr 18, 2013

Im not on 60mg daily though because i have been sneakily buying. On Tuesday i have 32 tabs of nurofen plus which is 12.8 mg per tab. Yesterday i had codeine linctus n a little bit of another one. A bottle of codeine linctus (cough) is 200ml (600mg).
My parents think i'm sticking to the 15 mg x 4 set by the doctor.
I told them 60 mg from 700mg is too big a gap but they wont listen to me.
They also wouldn't believe that i wasn't well during withdrawal, said I was doing. It to myself n needed to buck myself up. This hurt me as i'm not a dishonest person so why will they not beleive me???? And why do they keep saying it's all in my head?
They told me tostop thinking about codeine.
Its like they think im lying n i dont understand why.

vicki595

Apr 18, 2013

You don't understand why they think you're lying? Maybe because you've lied in the past? You're lying to them right now by sneaking the extra codeine. You're not telling them about that and it's dishonest. I just want to point that out to you...

At this juncture, what can we do to help you?

Eveleivibe

Apr 19, 2013

I'm not being dishonest or lying because I have not said i am not taking it.

I dont know maybe i should just be locked in a cage n have everyone make decisions about my life - n become a puppet. I may as well because i'm spending my life trying to please people n do what they want anyway.

I don't want to stop doing codeine it's want everyone else wants n if i had not told my parents I'd still being having as much of it as possible. I'd have my 60 mg pure codeine tabs, 15 mg tabs, lots of codeine linctus, nurofen plus loads.
It was a very silly thing to do n was prob God because I prayed to him that I'd tell my mam n she'd help me.

All giving up codeine n going through the withdrawal process did was make me want n yearn for codeine even more.

VICourageous Blank

Apr 19, 2013

Hi..Take a deep Breath..This is all part of the addiction..I crave many substances now and then at my age..I just run to one of my meetings for Support..It is a great place to be around people that have been or are going through the same thing as you are..I would highly suggest you go so you can be around people that understand..No disrespect attended here..But you have been battling this for a while..You want it, you do not!! Just go and check a meeting out you might find it will be for the best..OK
Bless
vickie

vicki595

Apr 19, 2013

This forum is a support for people who want to stop taking drugs...it's not a support site for people who WANT to take drugs but can't get them...

When you continue to romance codeine like this, you could be triggering other members...

weaver71

Apr 19, 2013

You may not feel like it, but you where a puppet of codeine. It's still pulling your strings, "All giving up codeine n going through the withdrawal process did was make me want n yearn for codeine even more." It sounds like you where starting to feel how opiates controlled you, you prayed that mom would help you. What kind of help where you hoping for? Did you pray that she would help you get a more steady supply or higher doses? I don't know you, but I'm guessing I've taken drugs longer than you have been alive. That feeling of needing help gets worse. Opiates are the supreme master, and their followers are exceptionally devout puppets. I would suggest you go talk to an addiction counselor. Understanding why you crave codeine and what the life of addiction is really about, could help you stop craving the buzz and start craving clarity. I want to make clear that I have zero judgement toward you or your opinions. I almost died from opiates, many times, and I had slowly become a zombie. I know how bad addiction can get and am lucky to be alive. I hope you are smarter than I was. Addiction is progressive, it get worse and worse. If you start up again, you are right back to the level you where really fast. It may take years to get addicted in the beginning, but once addiction starts, there is no turning back. If you haven't hit bottom hard enough, you will. There are 4 outcomes for the life of an addict. Jails, institutions, death, or sobriety. I hope you take the words of those who have been there seriously, so you can avoid the vast amount of loss that will surely come your way. I pray you find peace and chose life over being a puppet. Keep us posted.

nursegirl6572

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Sweetie, you're all over the place.  I think you're hung up because you dont WANT to be an addict, but who does?  By definition, you're an addict, regardless of what you tell yourself.  It doesn't matter whether it's codeine or heroin.  They're both opiates, and you're abusing the codeine.  You crave it, which is a huge sign of addiction.

As for the lying, you're lying by omission, as your parents think you're only taking what they are giving to you, but you're sneaking more on the side.  You're all over the place..in one breath, being defensive about people "controlling" you and people insinuating you're an addict, yet on the other hand, you absolutely admit to doing things and thinking things an addict would.

I think you're scared..and people who are scared become angry.  So, your fear is coming out as anger..anger towards your parents who are trying to help, angry at life, angry at people on the forums you've visited who are trying to open your eyes and help you.  Anger is not an emotion that exsists on its own...it's always accompanied by either fear or uncertainty..and you're dealing with both.  Anger can be helpful in some situations, but in yours, it's holding you back by allowing you to focus on the wrong things.

This is an addiction forum, and we're here to help people who are struggling with addiction.  Not one person (even if they weren't knowledgeable like the folks here) who would read this thread would have a question abiut whether you're an addict or not.  To a 3rd party reading this, it's crystal clear.   All that means is that you're sick and need help, that doesn't reflect at all who you are as a person, and the label isn't something that matters.  I think you know it too, but again, you're scared to surrender and admit it because that means you cannot rationalize your codeine abuse anymore, and give reasons why what you're doing is okay.  It also means you WOULD actually have to address this and stop using.

Addiction always has an end point...it has to.  A person cannot continue using bigger and bigger amounts without consequences...either serious medical problems, death, or legal issues stemming from a person having to turn to illegal activity to fund their ever growing habit.  That's not my opinion, that's a fact.  The other outcome addiction can have is recovery.  It seems impossible to you now, but it IS possible for you to get clean and live a life free of codeine.

Just look at the facts...you are taking at LEAST 3 times the dose of codeine that a person would normally be prescribed.  You are taking at least 4-5 times your own prescribed dose.  You are buying MORE codeine than you are being prescribed, because you need to take higher amounts, you have mental cravings, you will have w/d if you stop taking it, you have THOUGHT about seeking other drugs.  That's just a few things.

You ARE an adult and you CAN make your own mistakes, no doubt about it...but if you are at all dependent on other people for a place to live, or money, real life dictates that they can make the rules and if you want to continue receiving their help, then you must follow the rules.  No one LIKES to be dependent on others, and you can change that...but not until you address this issue.  YOU are in control of your destiny.

This is NOT about THEM understanding, this is about YOU understanding.  That's step one.  You can not expect THEM to educate themselves and try harder than YOU are, you know?  At the end of the day, like you said, this IS your problem.  I agree that they probably need some education, but in all honesty, pretty much everything they're concerned about is the truth.  They're afraid you're not serious about getting clean, and right now, you're not, because you're still fighting the acceptance part....they're scared that you will continue to abuse it, and you are doing just that...they are fearful that you're lying, and you are.

When you're finally ready, there are scores of people ready to support and help you..from the people here who have said the same things you're saying during their OWN journey, to your family, who, despite not always saying or doing the right thing...only want to see you get well.  That's all anyone wants...but the person who has to WANT that the most is YOU hon.

Eveleivibe

Apr 19, 2013

S**** i haven't done the right thing by sneaking tbe extra codeine have i?
You're all right i know it.
When i go into the pharmacies i feel alive because im in control.
I can be selfish sometimes n you're right going on about cofeine will be triggering to some. I'm deeply sorry that was wrong of me.
I suppose im not in recovery anymore now? :(
Now i've done this will i go through withdrawals again?
I'm feeling ok again now though feel a bit sicky now n then.
I don't want to be an addict though :(
I don't undrstand why I would lose everything though. I may be a bit thick here but it's like people want me to lose everything for having codeine. One of my friends changed n turned against me. I'm not hurting anyone, never intended to hurt anyone in any way but yet people act like i am doing.

Sorry if i've annoyed or offended anyone. Addicts don't usually like i rub them up the wrong way. Most of them on a previous forum wanted rid of me, said I polluted the site, blabbed on n on, felt sorry for myself. They tried FORCING me to call myself an addict basically saying I am a bad mam along other things to judge me, hurt me n bring me down. I felt attacked n defended myself. All their posts came at me like darts.
And all i wanted was some help.

Please don't be mad at me I'm really very sorry honest :(

weaver71

Apr 19, 2013

I don't think anyone here is mad at you, they are just concerned for you. Sometimes the truth sounds like an attack or a misunderstanding happens, but I truly believe that all on this forum are only trying to help you, others, and themselves. If you don't understand why you would lose everything, go to an NA meeting and ask that question. Some fall hard and fast, others slowly fade away, but very few use opiates for 20 yrs and say, "Man I'm glad I used and still use so many drugs, I'm living the life I always dreamed of." The mind plays tricks to get what it wants, not what it needs. I don't know how many happy go lucky people end up suicidal from addiction, but I'm one of them. I never wanted to be an addict, I've always had good intentions, and usually put others needs ahead of my own. Looking back, I realize my intentions, thoughts, and actions weren't lining up. I used to say I wasn't hurting anyone. I hurt every single person who cares about me or loves me, without even knowing it. I became the master of rationalization and justification. In reality, I wasn't taking pain killers to be able to work and support my family. Chronic pain since I was 11 yrs old wasn't the reason either. I was doing it for myself, it's what I wanted to do. I remember the moment I realized how bad my situation was. My tolerance had gotten so high, after 30 years of abuse, that I took enough to kill me. My lungs stopped, I couldn't even drive to the hospital. I pressed my chest on the back of a chair to breath manually, for about 6 hrs. I finally admitted that I was out of control. Mind you, I still kept using for another couple months, but I had accepted my situation and started working on it with a new urgency. I didn't lose my house, my wife, kids, I really didn't lose a lot of material things, but I had been lost. The pills controlled my life, not me. The pills made decisions, not me. I couldn't see that until I was clean for a little while, it's still becoming more clear at 300 days. I hope you stick around and figure out why you crave opiates so much. You won't regret it. I also remember having trouble accepting that I could never take opiates again. I actually had a crying fit, when I said goodbye to my old friend. It was like a family member had died. Someone who was a part of every day and every event was gone. I don't miss the old me or my buddy at all. Drugs are a two faced friend that turned on me. I will never forgive them, but I have learned to forgive me.

How much and how long did you use again? It sounds like you want to quit, but are on the fence, that's why a lot of people have to hit a "rock bottom" before they make a whole hearted decision. Let us know what is the major factor that is making you hold on to the codeine. What is so great that you feel you can't live without it?

clean_in_ks

Apr 19, 2013

You can "be in recovery" anytime YOU choose to be....it's YOUR call not ours.

But if you're still ingesting the drug of your choice and don't WANT to stop taking it....then you AREN'T choosing recovery right now.

NONE of us WANTS to be an addict. We don't CHOOSE to be enslaved by our addiction.....but we DO choose RECOVERY "from it".

And yes, anytime you stop putting a narcotic into your body, you will go thru withdrawals. You haven't really given yourself a chance to get to the other side of w/drawals because you have been taking codeine the whole time....even if you experienced some symptoms by cutting back your normal amount. Withdrawals are inevitable.....but there are ways to make it more tolerable IF and WHEN you are ready. The battle in your mind is HUGE right now......you will find a way to win the battle if you choose to.

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you want to be"

"If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives".

The ultimate POWER OF CHOICE lies within YOU.....

ricart70

Apr 19, 2013

I am not mad at you.I feel sorry for you because you remind me of myself at one time. This was before I realized how trapped I actually had become.It won't be long until you will have all of those drugs in front of you and you still won't be able to get high.They will stop working and will turn against you.
Now is the best time for you to get out of this.

littlegirlinbigworld

Apr 19, 2013

I can tell you from someone who is just barely 2 weeks clean...that reading your posts are not a trigger for me. I read what you wrote and I am so glad that I made the decision to get out of that life and start a new clean one! You might not think that you are hurting others but you just can't see what you are doing because you are too focused on getting high from your drug of choice. You said you have a child so you are in one way harming that child by spending money that could go to the child and by putting so much time and attention to getting what makes you feel good! It doesnt matter if it is codeine or heroin or whether it is legal or illegal! Either way you are taking the drug for all the wrong reasons! All you are doing is trying to justify and convince yourself that you are right in what you are doing! This forum is here to help the people that want to quit and that want to move on with their lives! The very caring and helpful people are not here to convince you that what you are doing is wrong! I hope you figure all thus out before it us too late! When and if you do make the decision to get off this rollercoaster ride then everyone here will help you any way that they can!

NotPennysBoat

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Your family just cares about you. I was coming off of 80-120 mg of percocet every single day for at least a year. March 23rd I realized I had to stop, wasn't getting me high anymore and I was scared of what was next. I did what you did, told everyone close to me, my mother in law (a nurse), my father, my boyfriend, my closest aunt. Fact is, you HAVE to do this. You need people to watch you, to control your dosage.

Did I like when my mother in law came over with the senior citizen (no offense senior citizens, but I'm 28 :)) sized pill box (ie five boxes for each day of the week) and took my precious pills and spread them out through out the days? No I did not like it. I've always had that attitude too, its ok. The I'm gonna take however many I want when I want etc.

Point is, if I didn't tell everyone, I'd still have a secret stockpile of percocets. If I didn't fork over all my pills, go thru all my hiding places, I would've taken them at some point since I came off April 1st.

It may be annoying now, having everyone breathing down your throat (my house was grand central rehab station for two weeks), but once they see you are doing better they will relent a bit.

And also...I don't know if you're using one of those pill boxes, but they are very helpful, at least they were for me, in giving you some self-control. Something about seeing them all laid out like that, like NO I will not take the one for Monday at Bedtime. Also helps that people are checking in and they will be proud when you are ahead of schedule.

Hang in there...you got this, I promise :)

nursegirl6572

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

I hope you really read and reread the last several posts to you, where people describe their OWN struggle, a lot of if probably sounds very familiar I'm sure.

Like everyone has said, we're here to support you, not judge you, and no one is mad at you. Sure it's frustrating to see someone flip flop so much, but that's only because we WANT to see you find some acceptance and move on to helping yourself. As much as you feel controlled, the ONLY one who has the ultimate control here is YOU, and right now (and for a while now)...the pills have been in control.

NotPennysBoat

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Hi..I know I just responded to you...but our situations seem super similar and I want to share something with you. Someone else mentioned that you have a child. I have a five year old son. I used to be a teacher, and one of my pre-kindergarten student's mother passed away. She was addicted to painkillers and codeine (any opiate I guess), just like you and me. She went to sleep with my student in her bed. When my student woke up, she tried to wake up her mother in the bed with her. Her mom was already dead. This is not some story I found on facebook. This happened to a little girl in my class. It was devastating. This happened nearly six years ago now. Like I said in my other post, March 23rd I decided to get off these stupid opiates. The reason for that was because the night before I had a dream that basically replayed the whole thing when the little girl's mom died.

I guess I was being selfish, but I never thought that that could happen to me and my son. It could happen to you and your child. After awhile, it's not gonna get you high anymore and you're gonna look for something else to supplement it with to get higher.

You need to do this for yourself and your child. Don't get preoccupied by your family and their judgment and afflictions. Rise above their afflictions. You can do it!

NotPennysBoat

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Yes!!!!! It feels exactly like you can't live without the pills. I want to cry, you're hitting home so much here. Once you really, really wean off of them and are down to nothing...you're gonna see the clouds part and remember that you DID live without those pills. And it was great.

Eveleivibe

Apr 19, 2013

To: weaver71

Thank you for replying to me n in depth. That was lovely n kind of you. I really appreciate that. Everyone on this forum has been so very nice, thoughtful n kind n it really does mean a lot to me.
When i went to other message boards they were very harsh with me n i spent every day crying. I kept going back because I never knew there was other support sites until I found this one.
People do not force me to call myself an addict here. I guess i am one :( but I'd like to hope that i sm not offending snyone by that as I am not going at anyone im just struggling to come to terms with all this as i've led a dheltered life n haven't so much as had a fag.
I've had this 'addiction' thing for 10 months thats all was using upto 700mg codeine though Zi don't think the doctor believed me as he's prescribed me 15 mg x 4 (60mg) codeine phoshate. My mam brings them here n i take them.

Eveleivibe

Apr 19, 2013

But i did try. I tried for 6 days to stick to the taper n the withdrawals were unbearable im talking the mental stuff. How in the world did you all get through that because i have a new admiration for you all i really do.

I wasn't well n was in bed as had no energy n my mam practically accused me of doing it to myself, on day 5. That really hurt because i wasn't. It scared me because i felt i was never going to get better n how was i meant to look after little 1 like that????? N i was going to have to pretend i was feeling ok too. All i kept thinking about was codeine n how life sucked, even exercise which i loved, without it - how was i going to get codeine n that one day all those people stopping me doing codeine would no longer be here so i could have as such as i want. I know thinking this way was wrong, very but its how i felt n i never want to go through that again ever :(

nursegirl6572

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Well, there is no question that w/ds can be rough, but the great thing is, they don't last long, at least the very worst of them.  Everyone here will tell you that w/ds stunk, but they managed to get through them somehow.

There ARE some things you can do to make them a little more tolerable.  When you're ready, we can explain some approaches to treating some of the w/d symptoms.  There is no magic "cure" for w/ds, but definitely some options.  Many people just resign themselves that they just won't feel good for a short while, much like if you'd have a bad flu.  It's a well worth it trade off for the rest of your life back without pills though.

Your usage is pretty high, and as you know with tolerance, that has the potential to spiral out of control quickly.  This really IS the perfect time to decide how you want to proceed, before things get any worse.

vrgrrl

Apr 19, 2013

Hey it's ok. I'm 13 days past Fentanyl that I was given immediately post op in January and then my body clung to it, I had a seizure, and the doctors had to do a slow taper off of it with me and it's been awful...I had no idea what it was like to be on a drug like that and not be able to just stop taking it...wow have I had my eyes opened! I have trouble with the addict word too because when I first was told that I was addicted to the Fentanyl I reacted like they were saying I was a horrible no good person all of the sudden and I hadn't done anything but take what they gave me and follow what they said about tapering off of it. But they only meant that my body was addicted to it...and there are other words (drug tolerant, etc) but at the end all that matters is that I'm off the stuff and not going back on it. So I'll have to be really careful for the rest of my life and make sure no one gives me something like this again because I know what can happen. I'm completely exhausted....mentally and physically...people here tell me that it won't be there for much longer, don't panic...it is what it is and I will be through this before I know it and so will you when you are ready. We're all only human and we just have to keep getting ourselves through this. We can...and I know that eventually...soon...we'll be feeling a long stronger and better than we have in a long, long time. *hugs*

VICourageous Blank

Apr 19, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Hi Girl..We really do care about about you..We have been talking with you since April 11..I know i can feel you Mental & Emotional Pain..I Just do not want you to make the same mistake I made..It took many, many years of my precious life to start at a young age. Attics sounds like a bad word to some..It is NOT!..It is just that we physically and mentally rely on these drugs to escape some emotions like anxiety, depression or even pain.My drug use for the most was Compulsive Behavior..I had to get everything done NOW & all at the same TIME.We just get out of control with it and use in ways to deal with life..Some of us had serious pain..We built up a tolerance and needed more.In my case some of it was pain when it involved the other opiates..But not bad enough to make excuses to go up to a 12 year Methadone ride..I was running so short all the time I started to snort it with another drug to make it last longer..This just got me back to still running short and buying them off the streets..Lots of wasted money and travel time to go get them..Have you looked up the "Disease of Addition and the Pleasures Pathway" yet?? Maybe you have not been on it long enough to really mess the brain Chemistry yet, but in time it does..You can learn this knowledge and it will really help YOU and your FAMILY understand what is happening or what could happen..We all care about you and you care about yourself or you would of never came back..Give YOURSELF a big PAT on the BACK..SEE you are trying and maybe just do not see it...You keep coming back..We will always be here for you..Maybe in & out..But someone is always here!!! OK..WE CARE....
Bless You..I know it is not easy...
vickie.

Eveleivibe

Apr 20, 2013

Vrgrrl there's a book about a lady who got addicted to fentanyl. She's in the UK n had pancreatitis. She ended up going to rehab as apparent it's 100 times stronger than morphine n she was taken it in lozenge form. Was an interesting read I've started reading it again. I really admire you for coming off that because I found coming off codeine n according to various forums is the weakest opiate n codeine withdral is a joke. Well i didn't find it a joke n was still taking 60 mg (15 x 4) off the doctor.

Trouble is I wish my parents would research this because they seem to think I can just get over it. My mam said its like cigerettes n she understands because she gave them up for 7 weeks once. Arrrrggggg

I really need to talk to people from the UK because I need to know what the services are like. I'm being referred to the Prescribed Medications Support Services n I need to know what they will do with me????

Also i asked my mam to come but in a way i want to go in alone as how am i meant to tell them i'm still abusing codeine????? And i'm also concerned that if i get this help that they will contact social services n have my child taken away from me. This is why i resisted help for so long.

I feel trapped by the system because if i ask for help im always worried social will get involved.

But when i said this on previous forums they were nasty to me. Why???? I went there for support :(
You're all some very lovely to me. Thank you. It means a lot to me it really does xxxx

VICourageous Blank

Apr 20, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Hi Girl..I am sorry to hear that they were a bit nasty to you on a previous form..As you know it is NOT from HERE..We have ALL been with you All the WAY! The PMS group should be just like AA/NA..It is a place to Listen to others and for you to Share your Story as well..YOU Should go by Your Self and NOT take your MOM..You need to express some issue in there..What is said there stays there...It is very confidential and should NOT leave the room.
You will be so surprised how just sharing takes alot off the Shoulders..A big Weight starts to Lift..Nobody will Judge you in there and the Law is NOT Involved..It sounds like you are scared..I hope no one is tying to scare you or manipulate you..You said your Mom Gave them up for 7 weeks once?? If she is back to the cigs again then she should know how addiction works..That is one of the Hardest Addictions to Break..Do not beat yourself up because your Family does not understand..Get around the Groups that have people that do..I will be Honest Here..If I did not have Family Support from my Husband or Mon & Dads, plus my Groups..It would of been one hard Road to go Alone...I know you want it..Like I said in my last talk with you..You would not be coming back if you did not want some kind of help..Again You be good to yourself and give yourself a Big Hug You are Really Reaching Out!!! You can stay with US as long as you want too..OK When you get tapered down and you are feeling a bit Funky we can help you here with the W/Ds..The things that we use make it a bit more milder..You Take a Deep Breath there Girl and keep coming back..I know you can do this..
Bless You
vickie

VICourageous Blank

Apr 20, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

You Just Stay with US....Like I said above..OK
vickie

nursegirl6572

Apr 20, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

To comment on your last post, you are doing the right thing by continuing to seek help in your area, that's great.  Hopefully, when you first meet with the people from this program you've been referred to, you will start on the path to recovery.

I agree with you completely about going to appts and such by yourself.  You are an adult and do not need your Mom to come in with you.  It's a LOT harder to be honest with her sitting there, especially because from what you've said, she doesn't understand a lot about addiction yet (which is okay, don't hold that against her...MANY people don't understand.....)

It's one thing for her to go with you and wait in the waiting room, but I do not think she needs to be sitting in on your private appts, either with your docs, or your recovery programs.  Just calmly tell her that this is stuff you need to be doing yourself, so you feel comfortable opening up with your practitioners.  Tell her you just need her non-judgemental support.  You could ask her to attend an alanon or naranon meeting, where other loved ones of addicts can help to teach her all about addiction.

You're moving forward, which is all that matters.  Try to keep your focus on that, and nothing else.  Try not to overanalyze everything right now...just keep your recovery ini the forefront of your mind.  I think you reading other people's stories of their own addiction struggles is great, kudos to you for seeking those stories out.  Keep doing that...as you've most definitely had a hard time with the acceptance part.  Understanding that you are a lot like everyone else who suffers with addiction, people from all walks of life, people who have found themselves abusing various substances...will be very eye opening for you...it will help you start to find that acceptance that is vital to being successful in your sobriety.  People who are addicts are NOT bad people, and they come from all walks of life...they have a disease, and need treatment.  If you had high blood pressure, you wouldn't hesitate to seek help from your doctor...treating addiction requires treatment as well, and long term management.  Once you learn more about addiction, so much of what we've said here will make so much more sense to you.

Hang in there dear!

Keeping you in my prayers.

Eveleivibe

Apr 20, 2013

I've had a loada codeine now as i can t stop thinking what that person said to me.
I dont think i can tell my mam not to come as she'll be hurt she's been looking after my codeine for me n i don't want to hurt her or her mad at me. She thinks i been sticking to this taper but i haven't done :(
Maybe if i just make out to these people i have ut'll be ok? N maybe somehow i will? Some 15 mg tabs came 200 of them n i kept them n took them.
Am i a horrible person for doing this?
I tried to give it up but i dont want that sense of loss again. I gave up relationship because i am scared of that sense of loss n now i have to go through it with codeine n when i try explaining this to people they get mad at me, judge me n don't understand me at all.
I can't go to NA because i got my child to look after n now im definately wortied i'll lose my child when i get referred now.

dominosarah Blank

Apr 20, 2013

Take some deep breaths.......Dont worry about other people right now. You need to focus on you. You are what is important. I understand the hold the codeine has on you. Right now it is your best friend and your lover isnt it? It hides our emotional pain that we dont want to deal with and then it turns on you which it is doing now. I know you are afraid, we all were but getting off these pills and facing your fears isnt nearly as painful as continuing on this path. I am a dual addict in recovery. I am okay with that as i have learned so much about me. With this addiction you have to surrender to win. You can do this........

nursegirl6572

Apr 20, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Honey, we're not judging you but rather trying to get THROUGH to you, and there's a BIG difference!!!  We ONLY want to see you get well, as you simply CANNOT keep doing what you're doing.  There's no easy way to say this, but it WILL either kill you, make you very very sick, or ruin your life, INCLUDUNG taking everything away that you love and cherish.  That's an undisputable FACT.

Here's an honest question for you...you don't have to answer it here...but ponder it yourself, do you think with the amount of codeine you're taking that you are a safe and appropriate person to care for your young child?  Think about that.  If you knew someone else who was doing what you're doing, and they had a young child, would you be worried about that child?  Answer yourself honestly.  When you talk to yourself, you have no one to answer to, no one to impress or convince, so be honest with yourself about that.

Children's protective agencies get involved to intervene when children are at risk.  They may NOT get involved in your case, but if they did, they would be 100% right to be concerned about the well being of your daughter.  You are NOT making healthy decisions and choices, that's the bottom line.  You are putting your OWN life and health at risk, so it goes without saying that others would be worried about your ability to make safe choices for her as well.

And NO.... that doesn't have a THING to do with who you are as a PERSON..not one single bit.  It has to do with you being sick...addiction is an illness, and you're in deep.  You're NOT a bad person.   You absolutely HAVE to make changes to start moving forward with your recovery, or things will not end well.  That's just a fact.  It really is.  You can only continue to do this for so long before it will catch up to you in some respect.  It's very sad, but it's very true.

The GOOD news is, YOU have the power to change this.  Sure, it will stink, it will be hard, you'll feel badly, both physically and mentally, but not forever.  You'll be mad, sad, and sick, but that will pass.   You CAN get back to a life without codeine, but you have to ONE.. acknowledge the difficult truth, that you are addicted, and that you have lost control.  You don't have to do that here, but at some point, you have to admit it to yourself.

You also have to WANT to get better (which is obvious to me that you do).  You cannot go on the way you are.  Probably your biggest fear is losing your daughter, right?  Well, if you CONTINUE to abuse codeine, that's a very real possibility.  I KNOW you don't want that...so then decide that all of this back and forth is just DONE.

No more worrying about your parents, and what they say or do....no more staying focused on that you WANT to use an addictive substance that makes you feel good, because it will ruin your life.  NO more worrying about what people say...it hits home and hurts because you're smart enough to know there's a lot of truth in what others' have said.  NO more making excuses about why you "can't" do this and can't do that...find ways you CAN.  You put a lot of time and effort and money into getting the codeine.  If you put the same effort and work into recovery you will be successful.

Honestly, at this point, I think your best bet would be an intensive inpatient recovery program.  They will both help you detox AND  start the road to sobriety.  Choose your life...not the codeine.

I say ALL of the above out of compassion, not criticism.

VICourageous Blank

Apr 20, 2013

Hi Girl..Thanks for the PM..You just take it easy..I think nurseygirl came up with a great idea..Can you see about going to a Treatment Center..They will have you Focus on YOU and you only..You will not have to worry about a thing but getting better..OK..We DO CARE ABOUT YOU..No one is going to be mean..OK..Just think about what they said above me here..You do have a child too..You can stay with us for support also..Just think what your life will have to offer after you get off the meds..You can even join us to help a new one on here that might be walking in the shoes you are wearing..You can do it!! I know you can..We will Cheer for you all the Way. I am doing Cartwheels right now...
Bless You & Your family..

Eveleivibe

Apr 20, 2013

To: dominosarah Blank

Hiya Sarah,

Thank you so very much for your comment n for being nice to me.

Lots of people have said 'it tirns on you.' Can i ask what you mean by that please?
I mean i think it may have done that the week i wasn't well n stressed out about money just before I told my mam everything but not sure. Because when i went through withdrawal i WANTED it n i mean really wanted it, thought of it all the time, reminiscing over the beginning n good times etc.

Evey xxx

Eveleivibe

Apr 20, 2013

To: nursegirl6572

Im not having that much codeine now not as much as i would.
I need to take a break from look can you all pls stop nessaging asking me to stay ive made my mind up i need a break sorry.

nursegirl6572

Apr 21, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

I'm not sure what you're talking about, I haven't messaged you saying anyuthing of the sort, in fact, I don't recall messaging you at all?

nursegirl6572

Apr 21, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

I just checked my "sent" messsages, I have never send you a PM.

Well, I'm going to bow out now, I've said everything I wanted to, a few times. I think we all have. There's not anything more we can say. You know you have our support...the rest is up to you.

Very best of luck, take care.

17mthssober275

Apr 21, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Its a horrible thing to be addicted to any substance. There is help if you want it. People cannot make you change, only you can change yourself. It takes a strong person to quit and it is hard work. It is up to you . I am 19 months clean and sober after 10 months of outpatient recovery program.

weaver71

Apr 21, 2013

You WILL prove to yourself the first step of the 12 step program. It took a great deal of pain, confusion, and suffering to convince me that I was powerless over drugs, and that my life had become unmanageable. Based on your last comment, "please stop asking me to stay," I encourage you to go out, try some restraint and control for a while longer. See if you can go a month without taking more than you intended. Maybe you'll level out and find the perfect dose and not turn out to be an addict after all. That would be amazing, let us know how it turns out. That's what we say in my meetings to people who don't really want to quit. Good luck, we are here for you when you really decide you want our support.

Eveleivibe

Apr 21, 2013

Not trying to be funny here but if i could simply give up codeine for a month why would i need these forums. Maybe it's easy for you all to give it up but I'm finding extremely hard.

I came here for moral support n all i'm getting is judgement telling me what a rubbish mam I am n silly suggestions. Well yea i'll simply just stop codeine now. Why didn't i think of that?

I'm going on here now as I'm angry n ferl like crying.

Evey

PS one day i'll find somewhere where i'm not going to be judged.

nursegirl6572

Apr 21, 2013

To: Eveleivibe

Sigh.

Eve, we've told you over and over we're not judging you.  This really is futile, you refuse to not take any advice personally, and are determined to get angry with each post.  Nothing much productive is going to come out of that, is it?

You reached out for help, and you've received NUMEROUS posts advising you of the things you could do to start on the road to recovery.  No one said it's easy, if it were, there wouldn't be forum after forum FULL of people like you trying to accomplish the same thing, with the same struggles.

Go back and read all 85 posts, you will see all kinds of suggestions.  You've given us reasons why you can't do any of them.  You've already gotten our moral support, but this IS a forum where people are trying to get well....we cannot make people do it....recovery is essentially in the hands of each addict.

We would be enabling you to give you support to tell you it's okay to keep using.  It boils down to the fact that you want us to say, "It's okay eve, it IS hard, so keep using".  We're not going to do that.

We're giving you ways you could at least START getting clean.  You have to start somewhere.  Have you given any thought to inpatient treatment?  I honestly think that would be a great option for you...and you have people who could watch your daughter while you went and got clean and started your life of sobriety.  You will say you can't, but you absolutely CAN.  You haven't once posted, saying that you were going to try to do anything, not cut down again on your use, not stop getting the extra codeine, not try a meeting, none of it.  Do you not see that?  All you have posted is why you feel it is not fair that you should have to stop, or why you're angry at the doctor, at your parents, how everyone is judging you...how no one underdtands.  Darling, you couldn't BE in a place where people understand MORE.  They'v all stood in your shoes, and the ones who are clean TOOK the advice offered and started working towards recovery, and they've all told you it wasn't easy...but they've all told you how worth it was.

Until you can stop getting upset and angry and defensive, I just fear you won't get anything out of the advice here.  That's a shame.

PS one day i'll find somewhere where i'm not going to be judged. .

That's not the problem.  The problem is you're completely closed off to reason and suggestion at this point, which is something you have to work on, and quite honestly, it's offensive to keep seeing you telling such wonderful caring people trying to help you that they are being judgemental.  People who are addicts themselves.

I know I said I'd bow out before, but I just keep wanting to try.  Like others have said, when you decide to want to try some of the suggestions, and start moving forward, I'll be here to support you.  I won't support your addiction though.  You'll be in my prayers.

Steph_MHModerator

Apr 21, 2013

Hi everyone,

We are closing this thread to new comments.

Have a great day!

Steph

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