OT unresolved issues

[eveleivibe]

I'm realising I've got unresolved issues with me concerning my ex n me. I'll tell the story it's a bit long.

At 39 weeks pregnant i discovered he was a convicted sex offender n was made to choose between him n my unborn child. At the time I was in denial, HUGE DENIAL. Before this I believe he was addicted to the internet, a sex addicted n possibly an alcoholic. He was emotionally abusive. When we'd argue or not get his own way he'd thread to end tge relationship or if I would perform sexual acts etc. when i was at home (over an hour by train) if we'd argue he'd get me riled up n would answer his phone for days, would block me on facebook, would put me down n discuss my business with my friends with no regards for my feelings.

I stupidly did whatever he wanted, acted how he wanted me to act (sometimes imature). He wouldn't wore protection n if i mentioned it would say 'maybe I 'm better off single I cant cope with this,' that sort of thing. So i did what he wanted to keep him. I had this big DVD collection of girls doing sexual acts over the internet. If I asked him to get off the computer he'd say things like 'i feel boxed in, you're not giving me space to do my thing or we've had a few hours together now I want my time all couples have space, etc.

I knew he could have any women. When I'd go to his place he'd be talking to them for hours on voice on the internet. I'd never felt so lonely n in fact I felt more isolated than I did when on my own, strange eh. As I'm ugly I knew I wouldn't find anyone else n he could have anyone. Plus i'm scared of intimacy n get obsessed with things. Hardly atteactive qualities, eh! Lol.

After we split I found out I had lied to me about so much. I had cheated on me with at least two people I knew, one looked like his ex-wife who he was still married to (she left n nevet gave him her address n cut contact with him) n the other was a friend (we're still friends as we realised he played us). Within a week of us being over, he got with another woman like I was nothing. I was so hurt. There was me - just given birth - a FAT, UGLY MESS n there was this woman slim n beautiful.

A few months after i found out he'd had a girlfriend who had kids. I anonymously reported him to social services n had that stopped. The truth is I didn't do it to protect the children though that is what I told myself. I did it because I was trapped n he was free. I don't mean trapped by my daughter, I mean trapped by the situation. He done this to me i had to do EVERYTHING, alone yet he could have his carefree life while i couldn't. AND I WAS HURT N ANGRY.

I had a lot of burning anger in me n have done for four year. I wish it could go away. Codeine takes it away. Anyway I thought I was over all this (which I should be, right?) but watching a soap here where thus couple splits after 30 years n the man just gets with someone else like she meant NOTHING???? There's other things that trigger me. Why is this all affecting me four years on???

I've been exercising, i'm fit now. Passed my psychology drgree. HE is in jail where he cant hurt anyone else. I talk to a male friend who said he'd had sex with his ex n I really laid into him. Said he was hurtful n a user, that his ex was still in love with him n how take advantage of her vulnerability like that.

Then there's the guilt. Because of MY ACTIONS my child will never have her biological father n someone who could drive us on holidays to the beach etc. My brother n his wife are taking their children all the way to Disney land in America n while I'm happy for them (thanks to codeine , or I'd be an angry resentful, nitpicking b***t) i wish i could take my little one but as i'm partially sighted don't feel confortable taking het on my own encase I lose her (I'm extremely over-protective of her i don't let her going anywhere without holding my hand n she's only ever been away from me for 3 nights in 4 yrs n i missed her kike hell)

Wish i could permanently erase all the negative feelings in my life since all this with him. I don't ever want another relationship. I'm happy being single. And when I finally give up codeine I'm going to have to live with the frrling of being alone n rejected by ppl which I can deal with at mo.

The anger is like a terrible black cloud of smoke which consumes every part of me. I hate it.

If anyone has been through something similar would love to talk. Think i've felt like s bad person for far too long now n I want to changed. Wish I'd known SR back in 2009 cause would have been lovely to have support from others.

Evey xxxxxxx

Evey xxxxxc

[eveleivibe]

Think im insane for writing this as now people will judge me as bad horrible evil person for being in love with someone like that i was f***** stupid!!!!

[Sunshine2]

Eveleivibe, one of the things that was difficult for me to accept, was that my XH actions were not a reflection on me. You could never be a bad horrible evil person because of him. I was married to a really bad person too. The anger and bitterness against everything he did stayed with me for a very long time. I was thinking of ways to hire someone to kill him, that is how bad it was. It caused depression and physical illness. For my own sake I one day decided to let it go. It was a voiced decision lying awake in bed one night.

It is now 17 years on. I never even think about him, unless something specific comes up, but my feelings towards him is neutral.

What I am trying to say is that for your own sake it will be better to let it go. It is over. Nothing you do can ever change what happened and where you were. I bet you have learnt some good lessons from him. I bet you have grown as a person.

Many years after I left my XH, I made a list of all the gifts he gave me. My children, my ability to stand up to anyone, how to work with money. The list was long. I realised that in spite of seeing the period with him as a special kind of hell, I got a lot more out of it than I ever could imagine.

Good luck with this journey.

[eveleivibe]

I never thought of it like that. Although he was / is an evil nasty manipulative person he gave me the gift of my beautiful, clever, amazing, daughter n i get to see her laugh n smile n have cuddles every day
Thanks for commenting. Its appreciated xxxx

[Timebuster]

Originally Posted by eveleivibe

Think im insane for writing this as now people will judge me as bad horrible evil person for being in love with someone like that i was f***** stupid!!!!

No one will judge you Envy. In fact, I think people will applaud you for being brave and honest.

Remember, recovery is a process not an event.

Keep up the great work.

TB

[eveleivibe]

Thanks - I have been snappy with a few on SR over things as well as with various TV programmes which has made me realise I have never really dealt with this. My parents didn't really want me to see a counsellor as they were worried that social services asked me if i wanted this to spy on me (at the time). And i agreed because I didn't want the hassle.

I wanted to write these things when i first came here but was scared to I guess. I was worried I'd get angry comments n really can't deal with those. Also scared who might read through Google.

The good thing is I can help n support others. I did counselling training but didn't do my 100 hours placement. A few reasons - I'm very judgemental n need to work through why that is
Scared of confrontation
Was told that If someone kills themself after a session, I'd have to go to court n that's too stressful.

I want to help n be there for other people, let them know someone cares n that things will be ok, that they are not bad people. When all this happened with my ex it was my dirty secret I had no one to talk to n I think it's important that people have someone to talk to, care for them, are there n know that there is life after painful relationships. I would love to that to people what I didn't have. Also when I help n do something for someone else I know that I am useful n that my existence here means something.

Once the the storm has subsided n the aftermath lies in wait, nature is waiting with its never ending beauty, to remind you theres always hope--- of a little sun after a heavy downpour.

[finaltime]

I think you think you too much and worry too much about what others thing. What is most important is you were strong enough to walk away, and you are doing what is right for you daughter. I think you know this as well, just need to stop thinking so much! I know easier said then done, I have learned that when I hole up in the house is when my mind gets to me the most, when I stay busy or whatever that includes not being stuck in my house all day I do better. What is done is done. You can't change him, you can't change that you had the child with him, you can only learn and move forward. Be strong. The codeine is still holding you back and adds to the shame, guild, bad feelings of yourself, but that is another situation, and you are once again the only one that can make choices with that. Don't look to us here on SR to judge you, this site is here to help us cope and support us through are hard, dark times. I come here daily because I need to speak with others who are working hard at staying clean. My addict voice is so strong lately, always telling me to use and it gets ANNOYING. Sr helps that. I still am in an abusive, crappy relationship, the man does nothing for me, lives on my couch, uses my money, but he is a good father to my daughter and allows me the freedom to work. I enable him and need to make major major changes here soon now that I am clean, but my getting clean (year on the 15th from pills) had to come first. Now I have to focus on staying clean, getting the couch surfer off there and working, meanwhile doing what is best for my 2 year old daughter. I am happy your x is away and in jail, yes so sad for your daughter, but like we know nothing can change for that.

Honestly, life is tough, it is tough for everyone but it is what we make of it. Stay strong my friend.