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submitted by stealthvirgin1
First of all, I know a lot of people will say to tell her/warn her. But I'm not going to blow the opportunity. I've wasted enough time already. I'm over 30 and I'm pretty sure it would just be too weird for her that I'm still a virgin. I also think it would be kind of emasculating to tell her. So don't bother suggesting that, it's just not going to happen in my case. If she does catch on to the fact that I'm a virgin, I'll deal with the consequences.
I have read plenty about sex. I certainly have a good idea of the basics of what I'm supposed to do. I'm not going to skip foreplay, I know where the clit and vagina are, and I think I know to try to pay attention to her responses and try to adjust accordingly.
Also, I believe I have good control over my orgasms. I don't think I'm going to ejaculate immediately or anything. I think I should be able to go as long as necessarily, to hopefully make it worthwhile for her. I'm also in decent physical shape. Over the months we've been talking, we've also talked a lot about what she likes sexually, so I'm somewhat forearmed.
I don't expect to necessarily blow her mind (and hopefully she doesn't either, she knows I haven't been sexually active in at least a couple years), but I'd like it to be at least enjoyable for her and I'd like to be able to come off as a guy with a normal level of sexual experience or competence.
But what are some less obvious indications that a guy is a virgin? What sorts of awkwardness or fumbling should I be aware of and try to avoid? What sorts of movements do I need to be able to do (and what not to do)? Anything like this, and anything I may not have thought of.
Also, ideally, I'd like to be able to make her orgasm from sex (which, from conversations, she is orgasmic from penetration with her previous partners and it usually happens for her within 5 to 15 minutes of penetration). Feel free to tell me there's no chance of that if that's what you believe, but I'd also appreciate detailed thoughts on what some of the specific differences between a virgin and a more experienced male would be that would reduce the odds of this (beyond the obvious not lasting long enough).
tl;dr: I'm a virgin. I'm not going to tell her. I would like pointers and suggestions on things that may be less obvious but that I should be aware of so that I come across as reasonably competent and experienced sexually. And what are some specific things that would make her know something is off?
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[–]2-4-decadienal5 180 points181 points182 points  (0 children)
Well the biggest thing is just don't overthink it, but I think we're past that...
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[–]yfwdbwdso 78 points79 points80 points  (7 children)
"I have control of my orgasms"
You think this, and then you feel what a vagina feels like and that kinda stops being the case.
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[–]naakka 27 points28 points29 points  (4 children)
That, and you should also try to accept that it can also turn out you CANNOT come from someone else's stimulation right away. After decades of doing it yourself it can e.g. take a lot longer to come even if it feels better than anything that ever happened to your dick before. Source: boyfriend's personal experience. He was genuinely surprised.
It's also possible that your wiener might get cold feet from all the pressure to perform, which genuinely is totally normal with a new partner even if you're not a virgin. If it happens, just tell her honestly that it's because you want to impress her so bad. :D
OP, one of the most important things is to tell her to tell you how to do it, just tell her you have only been with a couple girls and don't want to make assumptions based on what they liked or something.
My boyfriend was a virgin when we started dating, which I knew. Never was a problem for me, I really liked taking it slow and enjoying one thing at a time and not rushing straight to sex. He made me orgasm the first time I ever let him down there, which surprised me quite bit. (Obviously I did tell him what to do, but still.) I suppose in any case it's worth noting that it's better to do LESS than more, better for her to be telling you "more/harder" than "ow". There are also differences between e.g. rubbing the skin on the clit and rubbing the clit with enough pressure for the skin to move with your finger etc. but I suppose only she can tell you what she likes.
Do not try to pretend you're a rough macho who's in control. THAT WILL NOT WORK IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
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[–]jslondon85 17 points18 points19 points  (3 children)
Do not try to pretend you're a rough macho who's in control. THAT WILL NOT WORK IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
You thinking of micro-penis guy from a couple days ago?
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[–]naakka 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
I wasn't specifically, but I am now. I guess my mind must have tried to repress the memory of that post already. Thanks a lot for reminding me. :D That post must have set some new cringe-triggering records across the /relationships community.
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[–]naakka 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
That was a really educational post though. It shows how trying to pretend to be macho and rough while actually being clueless and insecure can turn off even a girl who doesn't mind that you have a micropenis. THAT'S how bad an idea it is to cover up insecurity with fake confidence.
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[–]bantasaurus-rex 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Three strokes and your out
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[–]AnalgesicSex -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
This is very true. It's a whole new world.
Besides if you cum early, just be like "well shit, it's been longer than I thought." and finger her/eat her out or something while you're in your refractory period (hopefully you have a short one...) and then go back for round two.
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[–]randomesq1979 28 points29 points30 points  (2 children)
People have already said most of what I think but I am LMAO that you'd like to make her orgasm. I don't think most women orgasm during the first time with anyone regardless...and you're a virgin soooooo. Just work on pleasing her before sex, with oral. That's probably your best shot at making her cum.
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[–]maidrey 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Do you mean first time with a new partner or with a virgin on his first time?
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[–]GrumpyGuss 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Has a lot more to do with the woman than the virgin really. I never had any trouble my first time, but that was because she was incredibly orgasmic, not because I was particularly skilled.
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[–]Rawnblade1214 77 points78 points79 points  (21 children)
Dude, she's going to know you're a virgin pretty much instantly if she has half a brain.
Not a big deal, but the right thing to do is to tell her so she knows what to expect... You're wayyy wayy wayyyyyyyyyyy overestimating your own abilities here, especially since you've never ever had sex before.
I'm just trying to help. I've been in your situation before and I'm happy I told my partner beforehand. Like I said, she's going to know. Your overthinking is gonna make it hard to stay hard if you know what I mean, and if she understands it'll make it much less awkward for everyone..
If you go into pretending to be experienced it's going to blow up in your face, I can 100% guarantee it.
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[–]mirrordonut 21 points22 points23 points  (0 children)
Yep. I stupidly did this (I'm a woman, so kind of different, but still), and it was awkward as fuck and not worth it. Better to admit you're an older virgin than to have them think you just suck at sex (or have them realise you lied).
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[–]ChromeMaiden 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Adding to this, if she doesn't question the lies you have told her about being experienced, then she is just going to think that you are truly awful at sex.
Isn't it preferable to let her know you aren't experienced so she knows you will improve with practice and to give you more guidance, rather than just assuming you are bad at it?
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[–]black_rose_ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yeah, lol, OP -- do you want her to think you're just plain terrible in bed, or do you want her to know that you're a virgin and will get better? She's going to be able to tell you don't know what you're doing, better have it be from ignorance than stupidity. Be honest.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-12 points-11 points-10 points  (17 children)
Dude, she's going to know you're a virgin pretty much instantly if she has half a brain.
This is pretty much what I'm asking. How, specifically? What are some of the ways?
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[–]YouShouldBeSingle 28 points29 points30 points  (8 children)
You should really listen to this guy.
Also, can you expand on why you think you'll be able to control your orgasm? Cause that sounds extremely foolish. Masturbating and sex both get you off but they're not the same.
I get why you may not wanna tell her, but you better be damn sure the mental aspect of this doesn't result in an inability to get it up, cause over thinking things during sex is the ultimate boner killer. Either listen to /u/rawnblade1214 or prepare to have the typical virgin experience, you're not gonna magically be able to not be a virgin.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-18 points-17 points-16 points  (7 children)
Also, can you expand on why you think you'll be able to control your orgasm?
Basically because I can masturbate without stopping for as long as I want. I'm able to keep the relevant muscles relaxed, regardless of the amount of stimulation (again, at least with masturbation).
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[–]poptartaddict 51 points52 points53 points  (0 children)
OP, in case you didn't know, we love updates around here. Please post one.
I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO READ IT!
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[–]Rawnblade1214 26 points27 points28 points  (1 child)
Yes, because your jacking off is the same sensation that a real life vagina feels like.
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[–]oxfordcircumstances 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Seriously, there is no comparison to the first time you are inside a real life vagina. There are some porn videos out there (I suspect you've seen them) of virgins having "sex" with porn stars. Watch those and don't do what those guys do.
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[–]fantomah 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
Everyone seems to be predicting premature ejaculation, but I run across deathgrip-induced ED more often from guys who watch a lot of porn and haven't had much (or any) sex. Have you masturbated with a condom on?
Like everyone is saying, you should probably just tell her. It's better for her to know you're a virgin than to think you're just really bad in bed. And you probably will be pretty bad your first time.
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[–]maidrey 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yep, that was my first thought!
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[–]deadpolice 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Lol masturbation is not even comparable to having a hot naked chick in front of you and fucking her. Not even the same level of mental and physical stimulation. Not the same.
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[–]changerofbits 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
At best you're in tune to your own physical response to stimulation from your own hand. Unless you're sexually aroused at the thought or sight of your left hand, that's where the situations completely diverge.
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[–]Jannnnnna 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
When you were a first-time driver, what were the ways that another person in the car with you could tell?
That's how. The only way to fix it is experience - a book, or the internet won't help, because like driving, sex is a physical act, not a cerebral one. Just like reading every book in the world about driving won't make you magically a good (or really even competent) driver the first time you're behind the wheel, having all the knowledge in the world about sex won't make you skilled. Practice will make you skilled.
So just tell her it's your first time so she doesn't think you're bad in bed. And I mean, I took my now-husband's virginity, and I thought it was lovely and I wanted to make it special. It wasn't a turnoff at all, because I already really liked him and we'd been on several dates
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[–]Rawnblade1214 12 points13 points14 points  (5 children)
So prepare for some real talk.
You're probably going to be nervous, and that's okay. but your nervousness is going to cause your boner to shut down. It's not a "mind over matter" thing, it's a normal thing. Especially when you put on a dong bag it's gonna feel strange and you'll find yourself dificulty maintaining an erection.
It will play over and over in your head "DONT FUCK THIS UP DONT FUCK THIS UP DONT FUCK THIS UP" and it will indeed fuck it up. Basically a self fulfilling prophecy, since you're trying to pretend to be someone you're not, your need to PERFORM at all will cause you to fail. It's not like you can magically whip your boner up, the stress will cause it to fail.
It's going to feel strange and smell weird, and I highly doubt you know where her clitoris and such are, all women are different. Sure there is a "general area" but at least knowing your foreplay/ techniques or whatever will definitely help.
Honestly dude, I would come clean and tell her, it'll be much less of a burden on you to "perform" and it'll feel much better. Why not focus on her first, make sure she's ready through foreplay or whatever and slowly ease your way into it? Prepare to orgasm in about a minute (bullshit you can last longer on your first try), but at least she'll be understanding and not think you're just a one pump chump....
Just my two cents, as someone who's gone through the exact same thing as you.
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[–]nero4983 2 points3 points4 points  (4 children)
He won't necessarily go limp. My roommates coached me a bit when I started dating my gf and one roomate said he went limp his first time just because of stress and whatnot and that I shouldn't worry if it happened to me, but my gf and I had sex three times within about an hour our first time. I could've gone a fourth but she was tuckered out so she just fell asleep lol
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[–]Rawnblade1214 10 points11 points12 points  (3 children)
Congrats, but did you lie to your girlfriend about being a virgin?
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[–]nero4983 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
No, I'm extremely shy and introverted. She's the first (and ideally last) person I've ever dated. We celebrate one year together here in about a month :)
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[–]Rawnblade1214 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
Exactly, the fact that you were open about your inexperience is a good thing.
OP is putting undue pressure on himself to perform well and while he's running simulations in his head that's no indication that it'll work good in practice, right?
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[–]nero4983 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I mean, I did too. I really thought I'd be all suave and shit then I ended up needing a minute just to find out where the vagina and clit are lol
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[–]maidrey 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
The problem is that not everything can be explained because it's learning the feel of it. Think of any sport like pool or golf or baseball where someone might physically show you where to put your hands, how to move, the perfect angle just to get that perfect stroke. Same deal.
Another analogy. You could have Michael Phelps explain to you exactly how he swims and how he is so fast. Everything he does in a race. If you have never swam before, Michael Phelps' explanation is not going to ensure that you don't drown, let alone to prepare you for a race with Ryan Lochte.
Nobody is saying that it's terrible that you're a virgin. But you are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
Also, when it comes to oral stimulation, there's a difference between the clit and where a woman pees from. She won't get stimulation from the latter.
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[–]BrokenPaw 87 points88 points89 points  (32 children)
If you are not ready to have an honest conversation with her about your sexual history (or lack thereof) you are not ready to have sex with her.
If you cannot be honest with her about this, what reason can she possibly have to think that you will be honest with her about anything else?
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[–]Rawnblade1214 21 points22 points23 points  (2 children)
Seriously, it's unhealthy to be lying about this so early in the relationship... Lying usually causes guilt and consternation, I don't know how OP does it.
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[–]maidrey 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
And then in the future he expects to hide this forever / her not to feel weird that he lied about being a virgin?
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[–]Rawnblade1214 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
u/stealthvirgin1 has a fantasy that he can pass off as being not a virgin....
Even though she's going to find out eventually, his logic makes no sense, unless his plan is to give her disappointing sex, and then leave her so who cares what she thinks, right?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-35 points-34 points-33 points  (19 children)
If you cannot be honest with her about this, what reason can she possibly have to think that you will be honest with her about anything else?
Maybe she won't, and if she figures it out (that I lied to her and was actually a virgin) and rejects me afterwards, I will live with that.
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[–]BrokenPaw 54 points55 points56 points  (12 children)
That's a really shitty way to approach an intimate moment with her.
You should not have sex with her or anyone else until you come to terms with why protecting your ego and making sure you can score is more important to you than being honest with a woman who is, after all, going to allow part of you inside her body.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-46 points-45 points-44 points  (11 children)
Possibly because when I've been honest in the past it has resulted in me remaining a virgin. And, in general, I think I've probably been too worried about other people's feelings for most of my life. For a guy, it does not seem to be conducive to actually getting laid.
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[–]brokennails 38 points39 points40 points  (0 children)
I've probably been too worried about other people's feelings for most of my life
What a catch.
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[–]Rawnblade1214 57 points58 points59 points  (4 children)
You sound like a r/niceguys kinda guy, would you describe yourself that way?
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[–]jslondon85 24 points25 points26 points  (0 children)
He kind of did.
And, in general, I think I've probably been too worried about other people's feelings for most of my life. For a guy, it does not seem to be conducive to actually getting laid.
Ugh. This is going to be embarrassing for both parties.
...Make sure to update us, OP!
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[–]throwawayathrowaway0 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
He wouldn't admit to that even if it's true.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-16 points-15 points-14 points  (1 child)
No, I don't think most girls want jerks/assholes. But I don't think they typically want overly sensitive guys either.
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[–]Rawnblade1214 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
Being honest doesn't mean you're overly sensitive, it just means you are a normal, well adjusted human being, not some deceitful jerk who just wants to get laid.
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[–]BrokenPaw 13 points14 points15 points  (1 child)
Possibly because when I've been honest in the past it has resulted in me remaining a virgin.
...and not being a thief has resulted in me not having any number of things that I might have been able to acquire dishonestly.
The fact that acting honorably has prevented you from getting what you want is not an excuse for acting dishonorably so that you can get it.
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[–]myshitsmellslikeshit 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
You're not entitled to sex. Now you're getting creepy.
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[–]cannakitty 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Possibly because when I've been honest in the past it has resulted in me remaining a virgin. And, in general, I think I've probably been too worried about other people's feelings for most of my life. For a guy, it does not seem to be conducive to actually getting laid.
seems like nothing you've ever done is conducive to actually getting laid
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[–]Meloetta 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF THE PEOPLE YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH, EVEN IF IT RESULTS IN THEM CHOOSING NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
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[–]deadpolice 37 points38 points39 points  (3 children)
Whoa dude, that's not cool. That's actually really fucked up. She's a person, not just a dumpster to cum in. She deserves to know that she is taking your virginity. I had sex with a guy once and literally afterwords he's like "oh by the way, you took my virginity." I was pissed, I can't lie. It changes everything. He may not have had an emotional attachment to his virginity but I would like to know If I'm deflowering someone....jesus. It was incredibly weird.
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[–]Ca55h3rn comment score below threshold-11 points-10 points-9 points  (2 children)
Why are you putting his virginity on a pedestal? What would you have done differently if you had known before hand?
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[–]deadpolice 17 points18 points19 points  (1 child)
Why are you putting his virginity on a pedestal?
Really? Really? You're gonna play dumb? Let's not pretend like there isn't societal expectations and norms around virginity. Like come on. And what about my comfort and feelings? Just because he is okay with it, it's all good? I'm not comfortable taking people's virginity if we're not in an exclusive relationship and that is exactly what this guy did to me. And it was pretty messed up in my opinion.
What would you have done differently if you had known?
Uhh not had sex with him.
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[–]Ca55h3rn -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I am not playing dumb. I'm asking for a reason why you, personally, would only have sex with a virgin if you are in an exclusive relationship with them. Really, what is the difference between having a one night stand with a virgin vs someone with experience? Assuming that the virgin performs satisfactorily, of course.
I'm genuinely curious as to whether your position is the result of your own critical thinking or are you just conforming to societal expectations and norms?
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[–]Spock5eyebrow 28 points29 points30 points  (1 child)
Maybe she won't, and if she figures it out (that I lied to her and was actually a virgin) and rejects me afterwards, I will live with that.
So you're willing to lie to get what you want, and fuck anyone who has a problem with it? Jesus, no wonder you're still a virgin with this selfish, deceptive, disrespectful attitude toward a potential partner.
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[–]hellofromspacebar 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
fuck anyone who has a problem with it?
no no the opposite
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[–]Ca55h3rn comment score below threshold-12 points-11 points-10 points  (2 children)
If you expect him to be honest about his virginity do you also expect the lady to be honest about how many sexual partners she has had in the past?
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[–]BrokenPaw 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
If she's not ready to be honest about her own sexual history, she's not in the right place to be adding to it, either.
That said, however, OP is specifically trying to figure out how to deceive her into not realizing he's a virgin; that's an attempt at actual deception rather than an omission of detail.
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[–]Ca55h3rn -5 points-4 points-3 points  (0 children)
Is disclosure of one's virginity and all previous sexual experiences manditory before all occasions of coitus? If a virgin were to perform coitus with such proficiency that all parties are satisfied, how would it be any different if he were not a virgin?
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[–]abXcv comment score below threshold-30 points-29 points-28 points  (5 children)
Lol this sub is so fucking sexist.
Every time a guy posts about not liking promiscuous women, it's all "Oh it's in the past", "Oh it's up to her if she wants to tell you, you aren't entitled to know" and now that it's a guy who wants to omit his sexual history, it's suddenly the worst thing ever.
The hypocrisy astounds me.
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[–]randomesq1979 21 points22 points23 points  (3 children)
You're not so good with the analogies eh?
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[–]Ca55h3rn comment score below threshold-10 points-9 points-8 points  (2 children)
Girl doesn't want to disclose her past sexual experiences vs Guy who doesn't want to disclose his lack of past sexual experience.
Sounds fairly analogous to me.
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[–]randomesq1979 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
So both of you missed the fact that he lied about it?
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[–]cannakitty 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
The analogy that the user gave was "guy who doesn't like promiscuous women" vs "guy who doesn't want to reveal that he's a virgin." Nowhere did they mention anything about a woman not wanting to disclose having been promiscuous in the past
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[–]CeuticalNonsensical -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
Lol I'm with you. I've seen upvoted posts of woman saying they would lie to their husbands about their previous experience too. I'm surprised no one has accused him of going to "rape" her because it would be under false pretenses.
OP, hopefully you haven't lied a lot to this girl. Nowhere in your post does it say you love her and wanna marry her. And if she's someone who virginity matters to, it's not someone you should marry anyway. People lie to get someone into bed all the time. Its a cliche, "my friend totally saved that baby and puppy from the apartment fire, using the drapes as a rope." Yeah, literally all you should do is say it's been a while since you've had sex, if you're as confident as you seem and will likely be a little awkward, this will be a good cover for you.
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[–]stink3rbelle 25 points26 points27 points  (36 children)
Over the months we've been talking, we've also talked a lot about what she likes sexually, so I'm somewhat forearmed.
You've been talking to her for months and you won't consider telling her you're a virgin? Why do you think she's more likely to reject you for that than for actually trying to deceive her about it?
Honestly, your biggest tell right now seems to be the amount of worry you have about being a virgin. I really don't think it's that big of a deal, and it shouldn't be to someone who likes you well enough to talk to you for months. You're both likelier to have a better time if she knows what she's dealing with, and how much to tell you about how to get her off. There are basics that aren't instinctual to everyone. If you have anything invested in her, I would tell her. If you really can't imagine telling her, I would go find a sex worker or pick someone up at a bar before you two get together.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-10 points-9 points-8 points  (35 children)
You've been talking to her for months and you won't consider telling her you're a virgin?
For one thing, I already lied to her about it early on. It's easy for me to turn her on via text and sound like I know what I'm talking about. She also thinks I'm handsome, and must easily get girls. But I did tell her I haven't been in a relationship or sexually active in years.
Why do you think she's more likely to reject you for that than for actually trying to deceive her about it?
Yes, I think she's very likely to reject me if I tell her at this point I'm a virgin. If she ends up figuring it out anyway and rejects me afterwards, I will live with that.
There are basics that aren't instinctual to everyone.
Like what, specifically?
If you really can't imagine telling her, I would go find a sex worker or pick someone up at a bar before you two get together.
What sorts of things am I going to pick up in that one time? Just to be less nervous about it?
And if I was the type of guy who could go to a bar and just pick up a girl I wouldn't still be a virgin.
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[–]serenamasked 31 points32 points33 points  (20 children)
Yes, I think she's very likely to reject me if I tell her at this point I'm a virgin.
Yeah, she probably will - because you've been lying to her for so long. Come clean, dude.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-16 points-15 points-14 points  (19 children)
Come clean, dude.
And permanently stay a virgin?
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[–]135791357 40 points41 points42 points  (0 children)
If she ends up figuring it out anyway and rejects me afterwards, I will live with that.
You're right, it's better to keep trying to use this woman for her vagina and not actually bother to be honest and respectful to her.
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[–]hellorw 21 points22 points23 points  (13 children)
Come on man, I know you've had your own particular experiences but it's pretty illogical to conclude that if you come clean to THIS woman that means you will never ever have sex ever.
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[–]LearnedFoolInGold 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
pretty illogical to conclude
When he's a 33 year old virgin?
I think he has some experience at this and more at being him then you do.
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[–]hellorw 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Of course he has more experience at being him!
I was trying to figure out if he was being literal. It seems like he was. So yes, I stand by my statement that it's illogical to conclude that if this ONE woman would choose not to have sex with him because he's a virgin, that NO WOMAN EVER WILL HENCEFORTH. That doesn't make sense.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (10 children)
I don't think it means that for certain, but I think the odds are high enough I don't want to risk throwing away the opportunity.
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[–]stink3rbelle 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Please trust those of us who have been in your shoes. The opportunity to lose your virginity will likely arise again, and is not that special. I know why you feel like it's some gem that needs to be preserved, but (1) you don't really know how to preserve it, you're making some assumptions, and (2) it's not as important as a genuine connection with another person. Really. You seem to have a connection with this woman. Don't blow it by focusing on losing your virginity so much that you guarantee losing her.
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[–]hellorw 0 points1 point2 points  (8 children)
You think there are odds that you'll permanently stay a virgin, if this one woman prefers not to sleep with you?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (7 children)
Yes. Last time it happened (because I revealed I was a virgin), it destroyed any confidence I had built up, and I stopped even trying for years.
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[–]randomesq1979 9 points10 points11 points  (6 children)
So the solution is lying? Not fixing your issues. Makes sense!
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-8 points-7 points-6 points  (5 children)
I have worked on "fixing my issues" for years. My biggest issue now is the fact that I'm a 33 year old virgin. The only way to fix being a virgin is to actually have sex. If most women who would be having sex with someone my age think there must by definition be something wrong with a male my age who is still a virgin, then it's not going to help fix the issue by being completely forthright about my virginity.
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[–]serenamasked 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
Hire a prostitute. Get a personality. You haven't said why you're a virgin. Maybe ask Reddit for help with that instead...
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[–]myshitsmellslikeshit 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Dude, all this tells us is that this woman's sole purpose in your life is so you can finally shed the v-card. You stone cold don't care about her, you care about her snatch and the likelihood of you sticking your dick in it.
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[–]hannaah84 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
If you don't tell her and it ends up being really bad for her, she's just going to think you're horrible at sex. If you tell her she can guide you through it and it could be a really good experience for both of you
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[–]millybob35 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You really don't have a very high opinion of this woman do you? You are assuming she is going to walk away because your a virgin? Give her some credit. You don't know that for a fact. Not all women are the same. The issue is not that your a virgin, it's the fact your a liar, and that will be the reason she walks away.
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[–]changerofbits 14 points15 points16 points  (1 child)
Like what, specifically?
Dude, it's like riding a bike. You can read all the bike riding instruction manuals in the world, watch all of the "how to ride a bike" videos, interview professional cyclists on proper bike riding, and even with all of that research, none of it will prevent you from wiping out the first time you hop on a bike. Just like you won't be able to hide your skinned elbow and the bike laying there on the ground from the neighbor kid who can ride his bike without holding onto the handle bars and was watching you the whole time, you won't be able to hide the fact that you're not experienced from this girl you're hoping to fuck.
My advice, give her at least a subtle heads up that you're not very experienced, or tell her that "it's been a long time" if sure that admitting this is equivalent to your balls being cut off, and just follow her lead. Everybody is different and even two people with experience can take some time to be firing on all cylinders sexually.
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[–]TheDogWhistle 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
This is extremely well put.
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[–]DiTrastevere 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
Oh good, lying is a great way to start a relationship. You can tell from the lack of posts on this sub titled "my S/O lied to me at the beginning of our relationship."
Oh wait...
Dude, come clean. Some women care, some don't. You have to take your chances. Don't bullshit your way into her bed.
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[–]carrotpasta 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
From the comments it sounds like he doesn't care about starting a relationship, just getting sex out of her.
Yes, I think she's very likely to reject me if I tell her at this point I'm a virgin. If she ends up figuring it out anyway and rejects me afterwards, I will live with that.
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[–]stink3rbelle 5 points6 points7 points  (8 children)
I already lied to her about it early on.
It's a different thing to confess something before the fact, and admit to an early deception. If you want to have a decent relationship with her, you're going to have to come clean to her at some point. If you tell her now, you are making yourself vulnerable but not making her step into a situation she's unaware of. As I said, you're also likelier to have more fun together. I can tell you that I would be much more direct and explanatory about lots of things in flagrante if I knew someone was a virgin than if it had just "been a while."
You're the one who's making such a big deal of your virginity that you're asking for ways to hide it. So, yeah, the one time would help a lot with the nervousness. I think it would also help you to understand a little bit about the physical sensations of being with a live person (things feel different to you), and how to please them. Even one time helps, especially if you have some natural proficiency (which you may have).
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -5 points-4 points-3 points  (7 children)
It's a different thing to confess something before the fact, and admit to an early deception. If you want to have a decent relationship with her, you're going to have to come clean to her at some point.
Why? If she doesn't figure it out it herself, why would I ever need to tell her?
If you tell her now, you are making yourself vulnerable but not making her step into a situation she's unaware of.
But I don't want to be vulnerable, I am okay with her being unaware of it, since I would like it to actually happen.
I can tell you that I would be much more direct and explanatory about lots of things in flagrante if I knew someone was a virgin than if it had just "been a while."
But I imagine you would also be much less likely to get in flagrante with someone you knew was a virgin in the first place.
I think it would also help you to understand a little bit about the physical sensations of being with a live person (things feel different to you), and how to please them. Even one time helps, especially if you have some natural proficiency (which you may have).
Okay, I will keep this in mind. But I don't think there's really time at this point, and I don't really like the idea of going to a prostitute. I also don't know that one would be easily available around here.
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[–]Jvac77 10 points11 points12 points  (4 children)
I'm sorry buddy, unless she is a virgin herself, she will know that you have not had sex before. Your performance will not be good. I would much rather have bad sex with someone I knew was a virgin then just bad sex with a guy who is just bad at sex.
Have you done anything with this woman yet? Maybe you should just fool around with her for the first time.
Otherwise, you should really just hire a prostitute.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (3 children)
Your performance will not be good.
In what specific ways?
Have you done anything with this woman yet?
So far just kissed and felt up each other over clothes.
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[–]Jvac77 21 points22 points23 points  (0 children)
You keep asking every person for specifics. There is no specific thing. It is inexperience, that's all. Tell her you're a virgin!
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[–]changerofbits 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
In what specific ways?
You're hilarious. Back to the bike analogy: None of us can tell you, in advance, exactly how you're going to fall off of your bike the first time you try to ride it, even though we can state with confidence that you will fall off. Nor can we tell you what you'll need to do to not fall off a second time. You just need to give it a try.
Thankfully, sex is actually different than riding a bike. You can talk to the person you're having sex with to help improve your ability. You're sort of on your own with the bike.
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[–]Jannnnnna 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
In every way. That's why it's so hard to describe. You won't know when to go fast and when to go slow, you won't know how hard to rub her clit or even when to, you won't know when to thrust deeper, everyone is terrible at oral their first time, etc.
Do you remember learning to drive? Do you remember the difference between the very first time you drove anywhere - how jerky you were when turning, how you were too abrupt when hitting the brakes or the gas, how the ride wasn't smooth, how you were hesitant at the wrong times and turned the wheel too sharply or too shallowly at first, how you weren't sure to whether to look right in front of you, or to the horizon, or to the sides, or all of those at once?
And then think about the difference now, right? It's intuitive and you don't have to think about every move you make - you can do it on autopilot! It's like that. Could a book or advice from the internet have substituted for actual driving experience, in a way that would have made you as a first-time driver pass for the sort of driver you are now?
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[–]stink3rbelle 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
I don't want to be vulnerable
Then you had better not ever have sex or relationships with other people. Sorry, bud, it comes with the territory. If you are more anxious to lose it than to have sex with her (and possibly have sex again in the future with her on a regular basis), then you should hire a professional.
You would need to tell her to have a decent relationship. What happens when she starts to ask about past relationships? Favorite sex acts/positions? The information will come out eventually, especially if she starts to meet your family and friends.
I don't really have a stigma towards virgins, especially if I already had a rapport with someone, including sexual communication. I don't think it's that big of a deal. What is a big deal to almost everyone is deception. I don't think she will necessarily figure it out in the moment, but it's likelier than not. It will certainly come out if you keep seeing her.
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[–]213471118 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
If she doesn't want to have a sex with a virgin that's HER CHOICE
she might not consent if she knew. You are purposely hiding something just to get consent. You're taking away her decision to consent to have sex with you by doing this.
Can you not realize how fucked up that is? Believe it or not, she gets to have a say in who she wants to have sex with.
You know what man, chances are she's not going to give a shit if you're a virgin. But nah doesn't matter got laid rite? /s
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[–]pkalef 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
You'll need to figure out where the relevant parts are. How to hold yourself when you're on top. Rhythm. Etc.
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[–]we_got_caught 27 points28 points29 points  (12 children)
Honestly, you're reaching here, dude. You're not going to make her orgasm from sex alone your first time having sex. And if you last more than five minutes, I will honestly be shocked. Your hand or a fleshlight is nothing like a real woman.
Why do you have jump right to PIV sex? Why not get there eventually with touching, fondling, oral, etc. and THEN have penetrative sex?
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[–]try2try 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Why do you have jump right to PIV sex?
"What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy."
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-7 points-6 points-5 points  (10 children)
And if you last more than five minutes, I will honestly be shocked. Your hand or a fleshlight is nothing like a real woman.
In what ways is it different? If I can last as long as I want with masturbation (without stopping), why would I not be able to last more than five minutes with a woman?
Why do you have jump right to PIV sex? Why not get there eventually with touching, fondling, oral, etc. and THEN have penetrative sex?
Maybe that's what will happen. But if the opportunity is there and it feels right to me, I would like to be prepared to take it.
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[–]randomesq1979 19 points20 points21 points  (4 children)
If it's no different then why have sex at all?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -4 points-3 points-2 points  (3 children)
I didn't say it was not different, and I don't know how long I will be able to last. But I would think if I can last forever with masturbation, there will at least be a good chance I won't cum immediately.
I would like to hear exactly how it is different, and how much faster the typical guy might be expected to come from sex (vs. masturbation).
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[–]randomesq1979 20 points21 points22 points  (1 child)
I mean..........there is an entire breathing living naked woman there. That's kinda different than a hand, no? I'm not a guy so I have no clue.
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[–]HammeredandPantsless 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It's EXTREMELY different, and entirely impossible to explain. It isn't worth trying.
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[–]HammeredandPantsless 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Dude, most people have expressed what I've thought on the topic. But let me tell you, there is no way in hell any man is going to be able to explain to you accurately how a vagina feels differently from your hand or a fleshlight. The biggest difference that I am able to express is that it is another human being doing the actions, so your own brain doesn't know the movement is coming, reminiscent to as if you try to tickle yourself, and you're not ticklish, but when someone else does it, it's crazy ticklish.
Let me also say, that your attitude is kind of shitty. Please don't go into this thinking, "I just really need to get laid, I don't care what happens."
Best advice I can give you is just be yourself, and let things progress naturally. Start slow, with foreplay (Kissing, body rubbing, nibbling) and then let it progress to oral maybe, and don't worry if you come too soon, if you do just let her know to give you a minute to recover and you can start over. While you wait to recover, go back to oral, or kissing her all over her body or something.
Just DON'T jump right to PIV. Women are like diesel engines, you gotta warm them up well before running them for any period of time.
But most importantly, stop worrying about getting laid. The minute you stop worrying altogether, it'll happen organically.
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[–]jslondon85 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
In what ways is it different? If I can last as long as I want with masturbation (without stopping), why would I not be able to last more than five minutes with a woman?
Because when you're sitting there by yourself, even watching porn, you're not in the moment. You don't have someone moving under you, reacting to your touch. You don't get the heavy breathing, feeling them getting sweaty, nibbling on your ear, running your hands over each other's bodies. You don't have an opportunity to look into their eyes and see that glassy-eyed passion.
It's an overwhelming experience. And even as a dude who has been with the same woman for over decade, there are times that she can look at me in a certain way and something clicks into place, and it's game over.
It's just not something you can "train" for.
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[–]randomesq1979 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Damn I can't wait to see my BF!
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[–]HammeredandPantsless 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Are you Jack London? Cause you should be a writer!
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[–]we_got_caught 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Well, since I'm a woman who mostly has sex with men, I can't really tell you from the man's perspective. The wetness, the smell, the sounds, the closeness...
It's just not the same.
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[–]naakka 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
The reason it is different is because it's not mechanical and physical and technical only like with your hand (whether you are a woman or a man).
I mean, I've talked about this with my boyfriend and we BOTH can come in like 2 minutes when masturbating but neither the masturbating nor the cumming feels at all the same. When having sex both of us take a lot longer (even if we're using hands on each other) but the orgasm is totally different.
Actually, I think I have a decent analogy. Imagine the difference between trying to tickle yourself and someone else tickling you. It's simply automatically different because it's another person.
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[–]wellimeaniguess 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
I remember you posting recently about the date you had with this woman, and you asked about sex then as well. You didn't listen to anyone's advice about being forthright, and argued the exact same things you are arguing now.
After you have sex with her and don't tell her, she will either think you suck at sex, or that you are a virgin. And people have broken up over less than that before.
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[–]kodak27 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
hey OP, I've had sex with two men who only admitted to being a virgin a while after we were dating. both of the men acted normal when we had sex, one was a bit more nervous but i took it as him being super excited. they both also came pretty fast but that's normal if they haven't had sex for a while, no biggie.
I say just relax, dont think about it to much and let it happen naturally. Chill out with the planning. Go with how she's feeling and how you're feeling. You will have a good time :) Trust!
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[–]serenamasked 27 points28 points29 points  (31 children)
So, you want Reddit to tell you how to deceive someone? No. You don't get to trick someone into sleeping with you because you're embarrassed that you haven't been able to get laid yet.
Lying in a relationship is bad enough. Lying in a sexual context is so much worse. She's walking into this agreeing to sleep with you. You even admit that you think she'd reject you if she knew you are a virgin. Having sex without telling her is basically like tricking her into having sex with you. I'm not going to call it rape because that might be too strong a word, but it's sexual fraud. And it's wrong.
Tell her. Give her the opportunity to reject you - or not. Some people like being with inexperienced people because they can teach them sex from the beginning.
Why are you still a virgin?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-20 points-19 points-18 points  (30 children)
So, you want Reddit to tell you how to deceive someone?
Yes.
You even admit that you think she'd reject you if she knew you are a virgin. Having sex without telling her is basically like tricking her into having sex with you.
I guess.
I'm not going to call it rape because that might be too strong a word, but it's sexual fraud. And it's wrong.
How is it worse than a girl lying about her number of sexual partners, for example? Which happens all the time.
Tell her. Give her the opportunity to reject you
This has happened to me several times now, and I'm not ready to have it happen again.
Why are you still a virgin?
Social anxiety and low self-esteem.
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[–]Rawnblade1214 37 points38 points39 points  (0 children)
Dude, I came into this thread feeling bad for you and wanting to help you out. I was a virgin for a bit longer than is "usual", so I could relate to your predicament in inexperience, especially with someone who has had partners in the past.
But now I really, really hope she finds out that you're lying and doesn't have sex with you at all (which is going to happen anyway if you don't fess up). She deserves to be with someone who actually likes her and doesn't lie to her about really important stuff, not somebody who just wants to have his v card taken away to get it over with.
If you liked her and respected her you would tell her.
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[–]serenamasked 31 points32 points33 points  (0 children)
A girl lying about her number of partners is also wrong. Lying about an STD is wrong. Lying about anything to a sexual partner is wrong. Don't point fingers at imaginary women when we are talking about YOU and YOUR lies.
Don't lie to this woman. It's better to be a virgin than to be an asshole. And really, dude - next time just don't tell a woman how many partners you've had. At your age no one is going to assume you're a virgin - they'll just think you're bad in bed.
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[–]randomesq1979 13 points14 points15 points  (1 child)
1 - most mature people don't talk about the number of sexual partners they have had. Not that that has anything to do with this discussion anyway.
2 - there is no difference between having like 5 & 10 partners. There is an ENORMOUS difference between having 0 and 1!!
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[–]xv444 8 points9 points10 points  (24 children)
How is it worse than a girl lying about her number of sexual partners, for example? Which happens all the time.
Both are manipulative and nasty things to do, but your motives for this behaviour are particularly awful. You're not hiding the truth because you're shy or embarrassed, you're hiding the truth to actively manipulate someone into sleeping with you because you think that if she had all the information, she would make a different decision for herself. This is shitty, deceptive behaviour regardless of your gender, and you're making a really shitty and unfair assumption about her.
Why are you still a virgin?
Social anxiety and low self-esteem.
If you think this is an acceptable thing to do, you have sort of a messed up approach to social interactions and interpersonal relationships, as these comments should indicate to you by now. I think the reason you have poor self-esteem is probably because you get poor social feedback from your peers. So you get weirder and more anxious, and the feedback gets worse. What you're aiming to do here is behave particularly antisocially, and if she works it out, you're at risk of receiving particularly bad feedback, which may make your social anxiety worse. This is a downwards spiral. You're addressing the wrong issue by using this tactic - try improving yourself instead. Most nice people (men and women) won't care if you're a virgin, they'll sleep with you regardless, but they will care if you can't socialise appropriately with other humans.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -5 points-4 points-3 points  (23 children)
You're not hiding the truth because you're shy or embarrassed,
That is/was a big part of it as well.
you're hiding the truth to actively manipulate someone into sleeping with you because you think that if she had all the information, she would make a different decision for herself. This is shitty, deceptive behaviour regardless of your gender, and you're making a really shitty and unfair assumption about her.
I'm not assuming she for sure would not want to sleep with me if she knew. I just think the odds are too high, and I would like to get laid sometime before I hit 40 and my dick stops working.
I have spent years improving myself. And, no, I don't think I get poor social feedback from my peers. For the most part people I interact with seem to like me. I just tend to withdraw myself from social situations, avoid most situations where I would actually be interacting with people, and failed to act many times when girls were interested, out of a lack of confidence about my social or sexual abilities.
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[–]krymz1n 5 points6 points7 points  (5 children)
...and your dick stops working...? Buddy I got news for you
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (4 children)
That's kind of my point. Whatever issues might come up with my first time anyway, they're only going to get worse as I start to age out.
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[–]krymz1n 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
If there's one thing that turns off women its desperation, and you're desperate.
Focus on being somebody worth fucking.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (1 child)
Again, that's kind of the thing. I feel like I'm pretty much at the peak of "being somebody worth fucking". It's only going to get worse/harder from here.
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[–]krymz1n 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Nope.
They got decrepit old guys having sex with 19 year olds. With that kind of age difference, women you could be having sex with aren't even born yet.
Unless you're totally fucking busted looking, women will want to have sex with you if you develop a better attitude
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[–]Tom_Bradys_Hair 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
why don't you just get a hooker dude jesus
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[–]hodi88s7 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
If this is the outcome after your self-improvement I think you need to keep working on it, honestly. Look at how many people are telling you not to do this.
Maybe people do seem to like you, that's not really what I'm saying (I'm the above commenter using a throwaway and already forgot the password I made for the account :P) but what you're describing in this thread is not normal, and so I wouldn't be surprised if not-normal stuff is happening with you socially on some level. My little brother is well-liked, totally loveable, and kind, but quite weird in ways that he doesn't really understand. I've watched this happen to him his whole life. He doesn't realise that part of the reason that he's shy and anxious is because he's acting weird in the first place, and people aren't reaching out to him or interacting with him in a normal way, so he isn't given the opportunity to build his confidence. It's a feedback loop. I'm really worried about him going down the road you're on now and turning into a jerk.
I just tend to withdraw myself from social situations, avoid most situations where I would actually be interacting with people, and failed to act many times when girls were interested, out of a lack of confidence about my social or sexual abilities.
If this is really the reason you're having trouble, then this is the stuff you should address!! These are things you can change, and that will have a permanent positive effect on your life. Much more useful than learning to fake being good at sex. If you've failed to act when girls were interested, just stop doing that. If these are really the only problems, and it's not to do with you being fundamentally weird and a dickhead, then you have a much better solution in front of you. What you're aiming to do here has the potential to go really poorly for you and this woman. And if you get away with it and come out feeling good, then I'm afraid that doesn't really say very good things about you as a person.
Please don't do this to someone, and reflect on what it is about you that makes you think this is OK when so many people are telling you it isn't.
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[–]pribbs3 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Personally, as a female the only reason I wouldn't want to sleep with a virgin would be because I'd feel kind of intimidated. Like damn... I'm you're first? No pressure lol
So I can kind of see your point, and I don't think keeping your virginity from her prior to sex is really lying, yes withholding information but is it really information she needs to know prior to sex? Meh no not really. Now, I think maybe she might figure it out based off your reactions and maybe overall nerves, sounds like she does know you haven't been active for at least a couple years though. I feel like that's really enough info for now. She's at least informed you haven't been very active. Shit normally I don't disclose how much sex I've had with a guy before we've had sex because it just hasn't come up in conversation and I don't ask them for a partner count either, maybe it's a conversation we have later on when it does come up naturally.
I don't think you're lying or doing anything that's going to hurt her, hell maybe it turns into a story you can both have a laugh over latter. Just want to say, good luck, and that it's absolutely not something you should be ashamed off. And as far as advice Just focus on being in the moment with her and both her and your enjoyment. Don't expect to be perfect practice makes perfect and every single person is different, so it can always be a bit awkward or take a few times to get to know what that person enjoys and what works for both of you :) you'll be just fine dude. If I found out after the fact that the guy I was just with had been a virgin I might be a bit shocked or surprised but I wouldn't be upset about it. That's just me though judging by the comments it seems like a majority feel otherwise
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[–]jslondon85 0 points1 point2 points  (13 children)
I just think the odds are too high, and I would like to get laid sometime before I hit 40 and my dick stops working.
If this is your main motivator, go to Amsterdam and hire a prostitute. Problem solved.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (12 children)
It's not my exclusive motivator. I would also like to have sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with me (without being paid). I don't like the idea of going to a prostitute (and don't think it would do much for my confidence), even if it was more convenient than flying to Amsterdam.
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[–]randomesq1979 12 points13 points14 points  (11 children)
She wants to have sex with who you are pretending to be. Not with you.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -2 points-1 points0 points  (10 children)
I'm not representing myself as being amazing at sex or having a huge amount of experience. I have not told her any specific number of partners I'm supposed to have had, and I've implied that I've had relatively few and relatively little experience.
But I do know how to talk to her in a way she responds to, and have an interest in what pleases her, and she finds me physically attractive (and I find her attractive), and I think those are the things she cares about.
At the same time, she wants someone who is a bit dominant, and I don't know if she would be able to view me like that if she thought that I was a complete virgin.
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[–]jslondon85 4 points5 points6 points  (8 children)
Ok, say everything goes well and 6 months down the road she asks you about your history? Are you going to lie then (and maintain that lie throughout the relationship)? Or are you going to fess up?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (7 children)
Probably just say I didn't want to talk about.
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[–]randomesq1979 -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I'm not assuming she for sure would not want to sleep with me if she knew.
This changes nothing. The fact is, you are not telling her in case she decides she doesn't want to do you anymore. Aka manipulation. So congrats, you're probably one of the few virgin jackasses out there.
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[–]throwawayathrowaway0 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
So, you want Reddit to tell you how to deceive someone?
Yes.
So you say you are a virgin, but you should also know that you have the attitude of real jerk. I feel sorry for the woman that you're perfectly okay lying to.
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[–]rusty_blumpkin 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Sex for a virgin like driving a car for the first time. You grew up watching adults do it. You've imagined it. You've played video games simulating it but until you actually got behind the wheel of a car, you don't know what its like and the first time its going to be obvious.
It will take you some time to get the feel for what you're doing and to be comfortable. You will also be nervous and have confidence issues at first. Like driving for the first time on roads you've never been on before that don't have speed limit signs you're not necessarily going to know when its right to go fast or to go slow. You learn to pick up signals from the girl when each is appropriate but your first time you're just not going to be very adaptive.
How hard do you press the accelerator to get the right reaction? How sensitive are the brakes? Where is the turn signal when you know its time to change directions? Which speed should you set the windshield wipers too? What are you going to say to her while you're having sex? Are you going to use dirty talk?
There are just so many variables man. There is no way to do it without her knowing you're a virgin.
My last piece of advice is simple, you may have a strong flood of emotions after you're done. You better control those and not just start telling her how much you love her and a bunch of overwhelming things that might freak her out.
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[–]endavours 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
You are treating this as a grade schooler asking for cheat sheets for an exam you didn't bother working for.
I will tell you this ; immaturity is far more a turn off than being simply inexperienced.
The way you act suggests that you are only in for the sex part and loosing your virginity - there is litteraly zero regard for her needs, expectations and stuff. And boy, most women can smell a guy that desperate once they get past high school.
But nonetheless if you still intended on making that gamble, your better odds of scoring is to give an equal amount of physical affection than she gives (touching, kissing, hugging and all) to make her comfortable.
Then again, you can't teach a stay home guy how to run a marathon so there's little we can offer as advice...
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[–]jessiday 9 points10 points11 points  (4 children)
Just tell her, seriously. Just let her know you aren't very experienced, and if she's not a shitty person she will have no problem taking the reigns and showing you what she likes. Having been in this situation myself, except I was lied to and only found out months after the fact, I would have preferred him telling me upfront instead of lying and saying he'd been with other people before. It's seriously not as shameful as you're making it out to be.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -4 points-3 points-2 points  (3 children)
How did you find out after the fact? Just because he told you?
What did you think during the actual event?
It's seriously not as shameful as you're making it out to be.
But it doesn't really matter if I feel it's shameful or not. It's a matter of there being a significant chance she's not going to want to sleep with a 30+ year old virgin. It's just not a chance I feel like I can afford to take at this point in my life.
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[–]jessiday 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
Yes, he told me months later "Oh, by the way, the reason shit was so awkward before was because I was actually a virgin"
During the actual event, it was terribly awkward and he just seemed off. It wasn't great and I couldn't get into it because I felt like he was being so stand offish that he wasn't into me. I told him had he let me know the truth before hand, it would have changed the course entirely. I wouldn't have thought that he was just disinterested (thus leading to my lack of enthusiasm and interest), instead I would have realized hey, he's just nervous and I would have taken the lead and it would have been less of a shitty experience for both of us.
He was close to his 30s, I didn't think it was weird. You don't know that she would think that or have that reaction. I was really irritated he felt the need to lie to me about it. I am safely assuming she'd rather not be lied to, but if intentionally deceiving someone you claim to like for the pussy is worth making that person unable to trust you then go for it.
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[–]hellorw 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I was going to say something like this. I'm in my 30s- if I'm having sex and the guy seems awkward (since you keep asking for specifics, let's say he's thrusting too fast and too deep so he's hitting my cervix, he's leaning heavily on me, he's positioning me in a porn-y pose, etc) I'm going to assume that he's just an asshole that doesn't care about my pleasure.
HOWEVER if he was like "hey, I know we've been dirty talking and messing around, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I'm actually a virgin. I'm looking forward to sleeping together and I hope this can be a great time for both of us," and THEN he started doing some of those things described above, I would have the context to handle it in a much better way that results in good sex for both of us. It would increase our intimacy and my pleasure for sure. Because that's why I want to have sex- and I don't think I'm alone in that. I don't care how many partners someone's had.
OP I know you're not getting the answers you wanted but I hope some of the emphatic encouragement you're getting here at LEAST makes you reconsider your mindset.
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[–]black_rose_ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It's a matter of there being a significant chance she's not going to want to sleep with a 30+ year old virgin. It's just not a chance I feel like I can afford to take at this point in my life.
You come across as so incredibly selfish. Lying to get laid makes you a loser. Being a virgin has nothing to do with it.
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[–]changerofbits 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Here's my advice, regardless of if you come clean about being inexperienced:
  1. Communication. In any and all ways. Short verbal if you're unsure: "Is this good?", "Want to try X?" Tune into her face, listen for her verbal queues, her body movement queues, if you're unsure, go back to verbal. If she's enjoying it, keep going and don't change/stop until you get a verbal/facial/body queue to do so.
  2. Don't emulate porn. One example is that PIV positions that will stimulate her clitoris don't make for great porn shots since the porn actors/actresses genitals are not in view or can't be lighted properly, yet this clitoris stimulation is critical for most women to orgasm, or at the very least feels better. And, many woman don't like being trusted tip to balls vigorously for 30 minutes straight (definitely see how she responds to more vigorous thrusting, but start slow, and don't assume she wants to be pounded).
  3. Experiment. Don't focus on any one activity, try a bit of everything (with verbal communication/consent). If something isn't working, switch it up. Change angles/positions.
  4. Relax. Just go with the flow and enjoy it. If she's a good partner, she'll be focused on your enjoyment too. If something "bad" happens (lost boner, cum too quickly), don't freak out, everything will be okay, try other things to get her off if you've came and she hasn't. Take a break to relax, and give it a second, third, fourth go.
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[–]xearlsweatx 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
dude she's gonna know.
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[–]StinkieBritches 7 points8 points9 points  (11 children)
If she's had sex with more than 2 or 3 people already, she's going to know.
Don't be dishonest with her, you'll ruin any chance for a solid relationship by hiding something so big.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -2 points-1 points0 points  (10 children)
If she's had sex with more than 2 or 3 people already, she's going to know.
How? What are some of the specific ways?
Don't be dishonest with her, you'll ruin any chance for a solid relationship by hiding something so big.
At this point in my life, I'm willing to take that chance.
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[–]135791357 11 points12 points13 points  (7 children)
How? What are some of the specific ways?
She'll know because she will be able to tell you don't know what you're doing. Watching porn will not make you the vagina expert.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points  (6 children)
With respect to the angle, or rhythm, or what?
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[–]randomesq1979 22 points23 points24 points  (1 child)
You asking all these questions really shows that you are a virgin, this is something that can't be explained. When you do finally get laid you are going to laugh at yourself for this entire post.
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[–]cyborg_bette 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
This. I was trying to write out a post where I explain the ways virgin and experienced men go about it differently, but there are so many subtleties to it... I just know, okay? I've slept with a few men who didn't tell me they were virgins at the outset, but I figured it out by the time we were done.
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[–]xv444 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
I feel like you asking this stuff indicates that you don't really know what you're doing. Yeah it's partly those things, but it's also just the way you move generally, plus more subtle cues in body language, plus understanding how to interact with a vagina, another body, etc. You know how when you see experts in particular fields, they just look at home and comfortable using their body and tools in that particular way? Think of a chef cooking on tv. It doesn't matter how much you've watched them do it, or how good you are with your hands otherwise, you just can't slice onions like they do until you've done it a whole lot.
I've had sex with someone who didn't tell me they were a virgin. I knew straight away something was up, and my first guess was that this was his first time. He wasn't trying to manipulate me into sleeping with him though, he was already my boyfriend and he was just shy about it. He also didn't try to give me any false impression that he was experienced. I was still really annoyed that he didn't tell me, mainly because I wasn't given the opportunity to make it special for him. But if a grown man did what you're doing to me because he thought that was the only way I'd sleep with him, I'd be absolutely livid, I'd feel violated, and hurt.
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[–]135791357 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
I feel like you asking this stuff indicates that you don't really know what you're doing
Yep, that's obvious.
But if a grown man did what you're doing to me because he thought that was the only way I'd sleep with him, I'd be absolutely livid, I'd feel violated, and hurt.
OP pretty much said he doesn't really care if this girl dumps him afterwards, as long as he loses his V card. That's so not respectful.
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[–]135791357 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You're not going to get one clear answer because there's no one "right" way to have sex. People like different things.
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[–]marmotorious 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Everything. Mostly, how to enjoy yourself and interact with another person in a way that is mutually enjoyable. Think of salsa dancing. You don't just pick it up and know what to do. It's instantly recognizable when one party has never had a dance lesson before.
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[–]Rawnblade1214 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
Listen bud, it doesn't sound like you really care about this girl, and you are just hoping to lose your virginity by using her.
That's fucked up man. Might as well get a prostitute if that's all you care about.
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[–]zWraith 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
You need to kinda calm down here buddy... You're going to work yourself up with anticipation and worry. Just try to have fun and not overthink it.
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[–]Spoonbills 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
The first time with a new partner is often not as great as you might expect. So don't be discouraged if neither of you are blown away by it. Sometimes people have to know each other before they can really please one another.
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[–]Stephalopod-- 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Just don't do what my BF did, he was a virgin, he didn't tell me, after we had sex he said "I have something important to tell you" I freaked out for a second thinking he had an STD or something, then he told me I just took his v card. I was relieved, and a little dissapointed he didn't tell me (I would have tried to make it a little more special) and we went on with no issues, and were still going strong over a year and a half later.
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[–]ThievingRock 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Dude. I can guarantee she will figure it out eventually, and she will be pissed you lied to her. I certainly would be.
Yeah, you lied early on about it. It is far, far better to tell the truth about it after the fact than it is to get caught. You're starting this relationship off by lying to her. Repeatedly. That's a pretty weak foundation for a relationship, and when she catches you she'll doubt everything you say from that point forward. She won't trust you. To be honest, you don't really deserve her trust.
I would have no problem sleeping with a virgin. I would absolutely have a problem sleeping with someone who lied about it. If you don't care about her feelings (and tbh, it doesn't seem like you do) and you're just looking to get the first time out of the way, there are better ways of going about it.
My opinion is you're putting yourself out there as someone who will lie and manipulate to get what he wants, and that is far worse than being a virgin at 33.
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[–]carolinemayou 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
  • Practice masturbating with condoms
  • Don't do anything you see in porn
  • Don't be too quiet (let yourself go)
  • If she gets on top, slightly lift your hips... do not try to take too much control on bottom
  • If you go down on her... flat tongue.
Every girl is different. I believe in you. Go get em' tiger.
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[–]wonderlanders 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Good news! The first time anyone, experienced or not, has sex with a new person is always a little awkward. It's to be expected. It happens between every new couple and often takes a few times before you really groove naturally together.
So seriously, don't freak out if you feel a little clumsy. Be ready to embrace that awkward and laugh a little! Everyone bonks heads, gets elbowed, etc when they're learning how to move around a new body. It's in no way an indicator of your inexperience.
Have you been practicing masturbating with condoms? It can get you used to putting them on and how they feel. If not, buy a few kinds (lubricated, not spermicide as it can be irritating to lady parts) and try em out.
The weird shaped ones that are loose around the head allow more friction on your penis, so they look strange but more sensation for you. The normal tight-fitting ones can help you control your orgasm a little more. There's usually a little diagram of the condom shape on the package.
Have fun!!
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[–]cruciverbalista 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Be comfortable with condoms. Spend a lot of time fooling around, learning her body. Maybe ask her to ride you instead of trying to take control of the intercourse itself.
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[–]joshsheyboy 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Before you get at it just pause and say you haven't done this before. If she cares about you she won't care, and will lead you
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[–]solena 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Past the point of no return... no going back now.
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[–]AcerPhoon 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
What my biggest surprise was, is where the vagina actually is. I always thought it would be in the front, like the penis. But it's actually pretty close to the asshole. So remember that. It would be embarassing to search for it...
You will know what to do pretty much by yourself then. I can't explain it, it just happens. Trust me.
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[–]myshitsmellslikeshit 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I certainly have a good idea of the basics of what I'm supposed to do. I'm not going to skip foreplay, I know where the clit and vagina are, and I think I know to try to pay attention to her responses and try to adjust accordingly.
That is a virgin's attitude right there. You will make sex a complete disaster if you go into it with this attitude.
The best thing you could possibly do for any partner you have is to ask what she likes, how she likes it done, and then do it.
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[–]jab4962 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Do you want to have sex with this woman, or do you just want to have sex, period?
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[–]nixtamal 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Well, I'm probably in the minority but I didn't have sex (not even kissing) until I was about your age and things turned out OK. I was very up front about my history, though. Also, I didn't have trouble lasting a long time -- in fact even to this day it takes me a while 20+ minutes to orgasm while having sex, and I can only achieve it in a few positions. When masturbating I can very easily orgasm within 5 minutes, though.
First off, if she says she likes oral, start with that. You really can't go wrong there. Tongue on the clit, tongue inside, suck on the clit and lips, reach up and grab boobs while doing it. Manscape a bit to get some hair off down there to make it easier if she reciprocates.
When it comes to sex, everyone's built a bit differently so regardless of how much sex you've had, the first few times with anyone are probably going to be awkward. Doggy and cowgirl are the positions that are the easiest. Probably the most uncomfortable for me is missionary because I am tall & have long legs, so every partner I've had has needed a pillow/wedge. One position I really like is laying down on the left side and then I put my right leg over my partner as she is on her left side. You'll need to play with the angle to get it just right, but IMO it's the best for having sex for a while as you won't get tired, although a downside is you can't kiss/see your partner's face.
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[–]RuhWalde 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Have you practiced putting on a condom?
As a woman, I actually think there's a decent chance that you'll be able to pull it off. Even with a normal level of experience, A LOT of guys are really fumbling and awkward the first time with a new partner, especially if they haven't been active for a while. After all, every person is unique, so it's not like you can actually know in advance what to do. So I don't think you'll stand out as much as some guys might think (who perhaps imagine themselves to be suaver than they are). I think you should tell her afterwards though.
Edit: I'm sorry people are being so harsh about your choice not to tell her. I think they just can't relate and aren't willing to admit to the very real possibility that she will reject you if she knows. I was too embarrassed to admit I was still a virgin when I was 19, so I can only imagine how it feels as a 33-year-old male. Also, after my first time, the guy admitted that he wouldn't have had sex with me if he had known in advance that I was a virgin, because he assumed that a virgin would be too clingy and want something serious.
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[–]goldajah 1 point2 points3 points  (19 children)
OP, if you've masturbated, watched amateur porn videos, and researched how to please a woman online, you'll be fine. Contrary to what some posters here are saying, women do not have a magical spidey/virgin sense. We don't JUST KNOW if it's someone's first time: plenty of guys really suck at sex in spite of having had quite a lot of it. Also, you're not required to disclose your sex partners or lack thereof before banging someone.
If you want to have a good time, do these things (from my perspective, obviously every woman is different):
  • foreplay before dickplay, no exceptions. If she's not wet and if SHE isn't reaching for the lube, you shouldn't either. If she wants you inside and she's not quite ready yet, she will grab the lube herself.
  • make noises and say things that let her know when something is feeling good (most inexperienced guys I've been with start out REALLY QUIET, it's kinda freaky)
  • it's good manners to let the woman know when you're about to come, especially if she's giving you a blow job
  • use your hands to touch the woman's clit while you're having sex - don't just expect your dick to do all the work
  • use your words, but not TOO much. It's good to check in and say things like, "this position OK?", "you like it like this?" and so on. But don't ask for permission every time you want to shift her leg three centimeters to the left or something.
  • make sure you're checking her facial expressions. If she looks bored, pained, or scared, stop and ask her what's up
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (18 children)
We don't JUST KNOW if it's someone's first time: plenty of guys really suck at sex in spite of having had quite a lot of it.
Thank you for all of this. And I think this is the reason I don't feel like some kind of criminal for not telling her (there are probably non-virgin guys out there who would be terrible anyway).
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[–]randomesq1979 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
Right, she will just think you are awful in bed instead. Great.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
Hopefully she can forgive that, for at least the first few times. And, if not, I will accept that, but at least will have some experience for the next person I'm with.
I just really am afraid if I let this slip through my fingers, it may never happen for me. (And yes also ashamed and embarrassed to be this old and still a virgin.)
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[–]randomesq1979 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
I wouldn't forgive that. I've been so turned off by a couple guys who were god awful in bed that I couldn't even muster the energy to give them another shot. But I would forgive a virgin for not being good. It's so pathetic how you're using this woman. You keep being a douchecanoe it surely isn't going to happen for you.
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[–]throwawayathrowaway0 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I don't know many women/people/whatever who would be okay with being lied to about how much sexual experience (or lack thereof) that their partner has had. Reason for that being people generally don't like being lied to especially for personal gain.
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[–]hodi88s7 2 points3 points4 points  (13 children)
I think this is the reason I don't feel like some kind of criminal for not telling her
Wut? It's not about whether you'll be terrible at sex and she'll know, it's morally wrong because you're being manipulative and deceitful. Getting away with it doesn't make it right!
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -2 points-1 points0 points  (12 children)
I guess what I'm trying to understand is, what makes it so bad to deceive someone about this particular fact?
The main reason I can see, is so that women can avoid having sex with virgins. And the primary reason they would not want to have sex with virgins is because male virgins generally suck / don't know what they're doing (i.e., the sex probably won't be that good for the woman).
But if there are plenty of non-virgin guys who also suck, why is it so terrible to lie about this?
I guess probably the other main thing is, girls feel there must be something wrong with a male virgin past a certain age, and would like to be able to avoid letting someone like that have sex with her (beyond the bad sex itself). And I guess I don't really have an answer for that one. I certainly felt like something was wrong with me for not having lost my virginity in college, and definitely still feel that way now.
But I feel like it's either this, or just give up on life.
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[–]carrotpasta 3 points4 points5 points  (4 children)
Why do you think it's okay to lie to a woman about your lack of experience about sex in order to manipulate her into having sex with you? You don't even care about this woman as a person--you don't care if she breaks up with you after finding out you lied, as long as you get sex from her first.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -2 points-1 points0 points  (3 children)
I didn't set out to manipulate her, and when we first started talking I had no confidence, and didn't actually expect it to get to this point.
I do care about her. But if she's going to break up with me, I would rather it be after we have sex.
And tell me how what I said is wrong. If the main reason women would want to know is to avoid bad sex, there will be non-virgins who are bad at sex anyway.
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[–]carrotpasta 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
I didn't set out to manipulate her
But you are manipulating her now.
But if she's going to break up with me, I would rather it be after we have sex.
And that's what makes this manipulative and disgusting. You claim you "respect" her but you want to make sure you get sex out of her before she finds out you're a liar.
If the main reason women would want to know is to avoid bad sex, there will be non-virgins who are bad at sex anyway.
You're the person who has unilaterally decided it is the "main reason." You're trying to deflect your lies and manipulation with "but the main reason is because women don't want bad sex!! Non-virgins have bad sex too!!!" That's not the point. You've lied to this woman. You recognize that if she knew the truth, she may not want to have sex with you. You are hiding that truth in order to get sex from her, because you want sex more than you respect her.
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[–]myshitsmellslikeshit 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
This guy is giving me chills. What he's doing is disgusting.
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[–]hellorw 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
The main reason women would want to know is because we want respect and honesty.
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[–]jslondon85 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
And the primary reason they would not want to have sex with virgins is because male virgins generally suck / don't know what they're doing (i.e., the sex probably won't be that good for the woman).
So if you guys get started and it's so bad that she stops you, how are you going to handle that?
But if there are plenty of non-virgin guys who also suck, why is it so terrible to lie about this?
Because if you respect your partner, you can learn how to be a good lover quickly if you listen to them. But you can't respect your partner by lying to them about the very thing you're looking to improve.
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
So if you guys get started and it's so bad that she stops you, how are you going to handle that?
If she wants me to stop, I'll stop. But what do you think the chances of that actually happening are?
Because if you respect your partner, you can learn how to be a good lover quickly if you listen to them.
I do respect her, care about what she likes/wants, have talked to her about that extensively, and am willing to listen to her and learn more and try to improve.
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[–]jslondon85 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
But what do you think the chances of that actually happening are?
I mean, even being with the same woman for a long time, I've gotten in my head a few times and have been unable to finish.
am willing to listen to her and learn more and try to improve
But you didn't give her the correct baseline to start with.
Have you had any sexual encounters (blowjobs, fingering, etc.)? You learn some basic anatomy in those sessions that come in handy during the main event.
If not, then that's going to be a good indicator that your less experienced than you said.
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[–]myshitsmellslikeshit 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I do respect her,
You really don't. If you did, you wouldn't be asking five hundred thousand strangers on the internet to coach you on how to lie to her.
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[–]ThievingRock 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Because, based on your post and replies, you consider this to be a big deal. And if it's a big deal to you, you shouldn't be lying about it. What else will you lie about to get your rocks off? It shows you are untrustworthy and immature. You can't handle who you are, so you make up a story that you think will get you what you want. It's deceitful and extremely unattractive.
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[–]randomesq1979 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
God you are a complete moron. THE REASON IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GIVING HER A CHOICE AS TO WHETHER SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH THE REAL YOU.
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[–]marmotorious 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
All I hear is 'women shouldn't be allowed to choose who they sleep with'.
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[–]deep_sighs 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Try not to cheer too loudly once the deed is done.
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[–]ITsPersonalIRL 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I've seen this happen, and I think everyone on this sub is just ready to give you shit unless you are 100% honest 100% of the time. I feel like your situation is rather unique and it'd only really be damning if you were not a virgin but claiming you were to get laid.
As far as instinctual things that people will know instantly? No. Everyone is different and likes different things and do this deed in different ways. It's odd to assume that you'll start and she'll just be like, "WHOA YOURE A VIRGIN!"
Just remember that a clitoris is generally very delicate. Don't go super hard on it with your extensions and you don't need to start off super fast on it.
Also don't only pay attention to the holy V. There are spots all over the body that react to stimulation. Be a bit firm with your touch but not hard. Cater to her compulsions. Focus on her breathing. And buttcheeks. There are so many nerve endings in your buttocks. Good stuff.
I like to play some neat music when I go for it with a good vibe and rhythm. Alt-J is a general go-to for me. That may help.
There is a general idea that older virgins are that way for a serious reason (like something is wrong), but that isn't always the case. I see why you wouldn't want to tell her. I don't think you're a shitty person for not. Try not to overthink your time and enjoy it.
Also, sometimes there is a great attachment to losing that v-card. It may swallow you up, it may not affect you at all (in the sense that you need to cling hard), but be aware that it can be a very complicated feeling. Losing your virginity will likely alter your confidence (good or bad).
Good luck to you!
And I assume I'll thank many of you for your downvotes in advance since I'm not bashing this guy, but he asked for some help and I'm not going to stop him from getting it. Life is short and generally ends abruptly, I know I wouldn't want to miss out on some of life's greatest pleasures and experiences.
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[–]LearnedFoolInGold 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
OP, please forget you ever made this thread. Everyone here is holding you to some ridiculous standard of morality for lying about your virgin status, completely ignoring the hard fact that admitting virginity after age 25 is asking for a solid majority people to bully and humiliate you about it. There's literally no point between "Can reveal virgin status without risk of it becoming common knowledge amongst "friends" and co-workers who then humiliate you over it" and "Admit you have been lying about it for ages and not suffer the consequences" where you could come clean. I've got no doubt that 90% of the people giving you shit to lying would frequently embarrass and humiliate anyone they knew at your age who admitted to virginity.
Also, to everyone else in this thread: You hypocrisy and awful harmful advice is making me sick. Stop shoot bullshit out of your mouths, it's disgusting. How about you come to the real fucking world and stop giving worthless opinions on something you know nothing about because you popped your cherry when you were a teen.
As for the idea OP is somehow manipulating or hurting her by not admitting his virginity is maybe the most stupid fucking thing I've ever read. Why? Why does this warrant a reveal? Whether or not you ever say it how does it hurt the other person? How is this not a white lie to protect someone at risk of emotional, social and physical rejection?
I mean as I have already said revealing it just asking to be punched full of holes. OP has repeatedly said multiple girls have rejected him when he revealed it.
Classic failure of empathy, compassion and seeing anyone's viewpoint but your own. Fuck you /r/relationships, go back to advising people to get divorced over the name of their pet dog.
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[–]Pingolo_Palantaemon 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Yeah man, seeing these comments really leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Yeah lying is wrong, but damn people are being harsh on him. There is literally no empathy in this place.
Seriously, the guy is in a shit situation, and society is kind of stacked against old virgins. Not to mention at the end of the day, whenever it's the other way around, people on this sub always scream that "the past doesn't matter." If ever the past shouldn't matter it's in this case.
OP if you're reading this, think about two things:
1) I still think the best option is to tell the girl you're a virgin. Like you said, if she thinks you're handsome and really likes you she could very well look past it. Just make sure when she asks "why" the reason isn't a bad one (like you can be brutally and self-deprecatingly honest, or you can be honest but play it off in a relaxed way I guess). However, your choice dude, I can see why you're going with the other option.
2) Forget these other comments. You're on a sub which attracts certain kinds of personalities, and some of them have decided to brigade you and be mean. Honestly, I don't know why I come here often, but this place is very often far removed from "real social interaction." So just forget about this place and do your thing.
Good luck dude.
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[–]iamagainstit 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You could tell her that you don't have a lot of experience, it will signal that she should take it slow without giving you away completely.
Other than that, the vagina is lower than you expect
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[–]Rawnblade1214 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Just curious, what do you think about everyone here telling you that the right thing to do is tell your partner? Are we all the crazy ones? Or are we on to something?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I already knew that's probably what most people would say. And I can see how it's the "right thing to do".
But that doesn't change the fact that, with where I am right now, I don't feel like it's a real option for me. I do feel somewhat guilty for not telling her, but I don't dwell on it.
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[–]GrumpyGuss 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You are used to pleasuring yourself. You are used to being the one that touches yourself. You are used to vicariously watching porn. You aren't used to someone else touching you, you aren't used to the sights and sounds, smells and sensations of a real woman. It's totally different.
You will likely have erection issues. You'll probably assume that most guys get hard and stay hard and that you're a failure as a man. Youll be wrong. Your issues will be exacerbated by your nervousness and the disconnect between what you're used to and the actual experience. But it happens to other guys too. Don't freak out if you don't initially get hard, just take it slow and have a lot of mutual foreplay.
Pay attention to more than her tits. Explore her body for all of the soft, sensual places that a little touch will make her shiver. Pay attention to her reactions, use then to guide you you want her to have a great time, so find what makes her feel really good.
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[–]TexBat -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
remove her bra with one hand
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[–]icebergmama -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Have you been in any relationships before? Like have you ever had a girlfriend?
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[–]stealthvirgin1[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
A few dates, but no serious relationships, no.
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[–]213471118 -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
She's gonna be able to tell you're a virgin no matter what you do
Your decision to not tell is kind of shitty of you. She may not want to have sex with a virgin and that's her decision.
It would be like saying "not gonna tell him I have herpes because it's not like I have a flare up right now plus he won't fuck me if I told him."
It's her sex life too dude. I really really understand what you're getting at. I really do. You wanna finally get your dick wet. but you taking away that choice from her is pretty fucked up.
Was in a similar scenario where I had a ONS with a guy. Found out later he was a virgin. I wish I would have known that because I would not have had sex with him. I felt slighted, because he took that choice away from me. Hello, I'm a consenting party too and have conditions that need to be met. Just food for thought.
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