I think I posted on here earlier but I've been learning and thinking a lot. Reading a TON. Here's the deal. I'm 31. I used to be a male model, healthy, doing my thing. but when I was 24 I got the cancer. It's been 7 years of chemo and rads and transplant and I'm at the point where I might end up in a box before next April. I have to live with my parents because I'm not loaded. I get SSI. I'm dealing with lung failure so I pretty much can't do anything. I used to be what I guess you guys would call a sort of beta Chad? I could get laid if I wanted, women always told me I'm a charmer, handsome, intimidating, aloof. Just never was really interested when a woman wanted my dick. I wanted to feel loved. Call me crazy right?

So here I am now, living with my parents. Last year this woman finds me, knocks on my door, loves me, reminds me how much it SUCKS when you don't have intimacy or love from a woman. Leaves me. So I need that again. She was an HB12 in my book but I imagine you would she was an hb8? She loved giving head :) Anyway.. she's gone I need love. I need HER because she was also a CNA and her life situation was such that she could live with me and take care of me (being sick sucks) and she wanted to but parents...it sucks ass living with your parents. Especially controlling WAY out of line parents.

Now I have beta traits. With this ex she was intense and had lots of games and she brought em out hard. 7 years of being sick (and isolated because of my totally shot immune system) will make a man start to fear abandonment like death itself. Live in my shoes before you judge me.

SO, I'm wondering how to setup my online stuff. Mainly my pictures and getting the "o yea I'm disabled" part out of the way. As I'm not just trying to get laid, I want someone that will love me, help me, be a good woman to me and meet my needs. I read the primer on the side bar and it's all good stuff...but I can't even get out of the house to meet for a date. My mom has to drive me because I still can't get my license for the inopperable cataract in my right eye. It sucks. I swear my ex was a God send for wanting me through all the crap I have going on.

Add ontop of that I had to gain a bunch of weight for my lung transplant program and I went from a twiggy 95 pounds where you could at see my abs to having the biggest belly I've ever had in my life at 122 pounds. They messed up and my body composition is trying to realign itself and get rid of the man tits I have because my testosterone was real low and estradiol was too high (and why am I makin so much prolactin that's killing my boners!?!)

Anyway...this sucks. I still have a lot of women in my life that always tell me how awesome I am and genuine and attractive and I need to work on my confidence because being sick has shot it, but...how do I do this? DO I put up my old modeling shots that make me look "get in bed with me now" hot and then add one now with a shirt on?

I know confidence is everything and I can own my sickness and not let it phase me. But getting past the intros I feel like it's gonna be... I mean I can't just drop down to HB4's. I have a friend that's a solid 6 in body that even if I wanted to pursue for some cuddles I just...meh. I know it's vain but I have to be attracted to the woman I'm lookin for.

Yes I am workin on myself. All day I'm workin on getting healthier. Mentally stronger. Researching. Doing what I have to do to stay alive for transplant or find new therapies (just found a new one we're getting ethics board approval for to try!) but it would be nice to have this part of my life assist in my healing.

Any help would be appreciated! Thanks!