I'm 24. I'm female. I would consider objectively 7/10. 5'8, 62kg, long haired brunette, green eyes. I am fairly feminine (I don't own any pants!), but have masculine hobbies alongside the feminine ones - I hunt, and run my own business (no, I don't mean a housewife running an Etsy store.) I keep fit. I have a good 9-5 career. I do, however, have an absentee father and gain most of my validation through sex with older men. I am well educated and book-smart, and come from a good conservative family - despite the generation before me. Throwaway because... obvious reasons.

I spent the ages of 17/18 on the CC. My count sits at 22. When I was 20, I starting fucking a man who, at the time, I would consider alpha. He did his own thing. Had a masculine job (diesel mechanic - flies out and makes 6-figures). He hunted, drove a Land Cruiser, always had lots of people around him, decent status and was relatively good looking. Typical Aussie bloke, with a bit of beef to him, some money to splash, and a wicked scar on his cheek. He'd come to the bar I worked at, take me home, fuck me, and kick me out. Somehow, after a few months, we ended up dating. He said "the L word " first. Then I moved in. Here we are, 4 years later. And surprise surprise, I'm unhappy.

Between then and now, I've fucked this guy up. My alpha is gone. Bit by bit, I've broken him down.

First, I was unhappy because he was emotionally unavailable, and wouldn't think twice about leaving for a boys weekend with barely a goodbye. Now, I'm unhappy because he looks like a fucking loser turning them down to spend time with me.

First I was unhappy because he drank and got aggressive, now I'm unhappy because he's so damn placid and gentle.

First I was unhappy because he always wanted sex. Now I'm unhappy because he never wants it!

First I was unhappy because he'd "never open up to me", now I'm revolted by him, to my core, every time he complains about hardships at work. This guy works 14-hour days in the middle of a desert, for 28 days straight, and I cannot control my disgust with any sign of weakness he shows. No matter how valid.

I got everything I wanted, I had successfully turned a 25-year old alpha, into a 29 year old beta provider, who I could see myself having babies with and riding the gravy train for life. We have bought a property together. I hate it.

I took away everything that made this man whole, without every realising it. His identity slowly morphed into me. The car lost its value. His dirt bikes sat untouched. The rifles didn't see the light of day unless I wanted to go, too. He saw his friends less, and TV more. He stops jerking off. He stopped fucking me with any sort of intensity. Then he stopped fucking me. Then he started talking about depression. I didn't want to listen, because it made me hate him. Then he got onto anti-depressants. I found a few orbiters. I started talking to them. The weaker he got, the better they looked. I started being a cam-girl for one of them. I was this close to swinging on that branch. This particular orbiter was providing all the emotional candy I could want, and I started bitching less at home. I was being satisfied elsewhere. He's happy that I'm less bitchy.

Then I started reading red pill. I recognised my own behavior in every single one of the posts describing female nature. I was disgusted in myself. I took to listening to the most "red pill women" out there - Dr. Laura, and I read (and applied) the Submissive Wife.

It resonated. In my CC days, I was in a haze under multiple alpha male control - I wouldn't think twice about a 6-hour round trip at 4am in the morning when I had the afternoon shift the next day to pick him up. The only OKC request that every worked for me was a man who literally sent, as an opening message: "I like girls like you. I know girls like you. Meet me at x, if you're good enough, you get in my Mustang, we'll go to my apartment overlooking the river, and fuck like dogs." I was practically dripping by the time we'd met, he looked me over and said "you'll do." High SMV. Money. Prestige. Dominating.

I tried a few things for my boyfriend. Lingerie. Porn. Sucking his cock while he was gaming. Outdoors sex. Road head. Begging. Dressing prettier. Denoting all aggressive feelings and emotions (shutting my mouth). Cooking nightly. Encouraging outside friendships when previously, I would throw a tantrum. Face-fucking. Choking me. Slapping me. I begged him to call me a slut and a whore and take me deep and hard so I was seeing stars.

It was too late. His anti-depression meds have killed his libido, and I've killed his sense of adventure and self. My first desire is the move on - I have options, of course - but since reading TRP, I can recognise how life-destroying this is for him and do not wish to deliver a coup de grâce to a good man. I have to force myself to make this decision logically and from kindness, not my fem-brain wanting to trade up to someone stable and kick this bloke while he's down.

Can I salvage this man, relationship and myself?

TL;DR: chick dates alpha and does what all women dream of, taming the bad boy. Hates it. Help.

edit** I would hint at Red Pill as reading, but frankly, he can't read particularly well. Great mechanic, terrible with literature.