I used the redpill as a crutch for the pain I felt after my first real relationship ended and I used it as an excuse when my second real relationship ended. It was my scapegoat.

The best 2 relationships I had started and were sustained, on my part, by being genuine and kind. Acting at times, as this subreddit would say bluepill, and at times redpill. I was myself. I showed them what made me vulnerable and I showed them what made me strong and that was what made these relationships so rewarding. Those were the moments where these relationships were the strongest. When I was at my most transparent.

I've hurt a lot of women very badly because of ideologies I adopted from this subreddit and only now am I coming to terms with what I've done. I made a woman that I loved very much, who loved me as well, feel as if everything we had was an illusion. I made her second guess everything about herself. This is cruel. It may have been unintentional, but I am responsible nonetheless, and I did this by bombarding her with redpill rhetoric when she left me. This happened quite awhile ago now and I am only now starting to realize what I've done. Regardless, this is no one's fault, but my own. I know this.

You know why she left me? Because life happens. It didn't work out. I wasn't happy, she wasn't happy, but I didn't have the balls to do the right thing, and when she did my ego couldn't handle the truth. I was such a pussy about it that I unloaded a bunch of half-baked redpill pseudo-psychology on her to make myself somehow feel better by shielding myself from the reality of the situation; reality being that shit fucking happens. It didn't work out.

To tangle up one of the most rewarding experiences of my life with a bunch of hypothesis about alpha vs beta behavior and misogynistic psychology completely devalues it.

Not to say it's all bullshit. There are things in this subreddit that are both true and useful, but until you free yourself from the idea that women are less capable of love, and simply driven by the desire to find the most "superior" mate as defined by the redpill, it is you that will live in a very unfortunate prison. A prison I have lived in now for far too long, and let me tell you it feels good to be free. I look forward to more untainted love, and I will relish in the pain when that love becomes loss, because I'll know what I felt, and what they felt was, at least for awhile, real.

Maybe it's just who I am, but spinning plates, and empty sex will always be nothing more than a cheap imitation, and anything more, per the parameters of this subreddit, destroys exactly what makes relationships truly rewarding to me.

I'm aware of how this will be received. I know I look like a fruit. TRP is just not for me. I'll certainly continue to value a few of the lessons this subreddit has taught me, but I cannot tell you how much happier I am for finally moving on and letting go of the bitterness that held me here for so many years. It's been a hell of a ride. Thanks guys