The Daily Mail is going to have to see a doctor after black Muslim immigrant Mo Farah won gold for Team GB.
Symptoms including blood pressure of 190 over 90 and a tightening of the chest began at about 1:30 this morning as the final of the Olympic 10,000 metres began in Rio.
Relief was temporarily felt as Farah fell during the race putting him towards the back of the field, but the palpitations were soon back in full force.
A spokesperson for the paper told us, “There was hope everything would be alright as Mo was overtaken on the last lap, but it was a brief respite.
“At the point Mo crossed the line in first place while doing the Mo-bot the paper was on its knees with a mouth full of bile.
“It rolled into the foetal position and kept repeating to itself, ‘Oh God, we’re going to have to be nice to him, oh Jesus, please don’t make us say nice things about him, not him, please’.
“When presented with the amended front page showing a victorious Mo with a Union Jack and his gold medal, oxygen was required, and an ambulance was called.”
However, reports are emerging that doctors expect the paper will make a full recovery after it was treated with a second-hand story about a Muslim woman caught shoplifting after hiding food under her burka in an Asda somewhere in Birmingham.