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DISCUSSIONYou won't need him anymore (self.childfree)

Hugsfortheunloved が 投稿

Met a new mombie for lunch. We are ex work colleagues n I got on with her at work, not much else in common but she's usually good company.

I got usual bingoes on marriage (long story but SO and I have been together five years and have hoped out of the whole thing for various reasons). The friend is married and is one of those "my husband this...my husband that" types.

However, the shocking part of the conversation was when friend told me to have an 'oops' pregnancy as 1. My SO is a nice guy and would not leave me to deal with the situation alone. 2. Even if he did, once you have the baby you realise "you don't need them anymore" meaning my SO and her husband.

I was so shocked I went silent. She then proceeded to update me on her feelings for her husband when he had a bad day at work was that he was pathetic and she didn't have energy to deal, and consequently came to the realiatiknshe is complete with her baby and happy without him!!!

I eventually managed to recover my self, state my CF and she backed down but no apology...awful!!!!! How can you turn your back on your partner after a baby?

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[–]WriteBrainedJRNo Kids, Three Mo...torcycles 43ポイント44ポイント  (5子コメント)

I love how she doesn't even realize that in the process of giving relationship advice, she completely ruined her own credibility for giving relationship advice. Jesus, you might as well get your advice from a celibate, misanthropic sociopath.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 23ポイント24ポイント  (4子コメント)

Yes well also I don't know what love is, according to mombie. I'll let you guess why...

[–]SmokinSkidoo 12ポイント13ポイント  (3子コメント)

Because a tiny puppy has never licked you in the face after excitedly running around or at you, after not seeing you?

That's love and affection to me.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 8ポイント9ポイント  (2子コメント)

Oh well I have then, thanks! No according to mombie I have no clue as I've never felt a baby kick my uterus or seen a scan. Bleaaaargh!

[–]SmokinSkidoo 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

And of course there are different kinds of love, but fuck that mentality of "you don't know what love or hard work it unless you're a mom."

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah, I've never dismissed her feelings at all and even went to prego related things n appointments with her, just pissed off its not reciprocal

[–]Electric_Eff 81ポイント82ポイント  (6子コメント)

This is probably my number one reason for being childfree. I don't EVER want my partner to be second fiddle to a kid or treat them like this lady treats her husband. That's so awful. I get that some husbands are incompetent or just straight up douchebags but if you have a husband that's responsible and a good person that's really shitty to treat them like they're disposable and only good for their sperm and money

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 18ポイント19ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know. What about the kid asking where daddy's at in a few years? There again she may be the type that brainwashes kid about how her daddy is xyz.

[–]Reigning_CatsSpinster with Cats 6ポイント7ポイント  (3子コメント)

If he's an incompetent douche why the fuck would someone marry him?

[–]AmethystWind 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

Ask Ivana Trump.

[–]mental_dissonance21/F/Texas/No vasectomy = no love. 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

The only thing about him that turns her on is his pockets.

[–]AgentKittyfeets32/F/Swag pumps out my ovaries, not babies. 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

"Zee money, dahlink!"

[–]snowdrops4ever36/F/Salpingectomy/MF+CF 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

treat them like they're disposable and only good for their sperm and money

Perfectly describes some of the marriages among my acquaintances unfortunately. I feel sorry for these husbands.

[–]thr0wfarawayDon't be a doormat. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. 102ポイント103ポイント  (9子コメント)

"You keep referring to your "husband" when clearly, he is only a sperm donor. You got the sperm and then booted him out of bed! Quite the little liar aren't you?"

[–]SailorMercureFrenchie Mod 92ポイント93ポイント  (7子コメント)

A sperm donor doesn't offer the convenience of also :

  • Being somebody to lash at while in labor;
  • Being a coparent;
  • Paying for half the baby;
  • Being blamable if and when anything goes wrong with the child;
  • Having somebody to be smug about ("My child asked my partner to do something that I always do and that he never does. He's so overwhelmed now. Welcome to my world! :)".);
  • Having a role in that "perfect little life" fantasy they had played out in their heads ("mother with partner" sounds so much better than "single mother");
  • Offering a second set of grand-parents to be free babysitters and gift-givers;
  • Paying for the "Mother's Day" gifts while the children are still young and can only offer pasta art and burnt toast;
  • Being somebody to bitch about with the girlfriends because it is taboo to talk ill about one's own children but it's perfectly OK to not be a teammate to the one you decided to spend the rest of your life with;

and other grand benefits.

[–]logicisadyingtrend27/m/I want kids as much as TLC wants scrubs 24ポイント25ポイント  (1子コメント)

My biggest fear in life is waking up next to someone who views me this way someday. Luckily I'm treating myself to a snip for my birthday!

[–]Lilredcamaro26 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Congrats!!! I'm looking at options (fem).

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

ROFL, so many of your list applies!!!!!

[–]mochi_chan29/F/ The Nope is strong with this one. 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

You never cease to amaze me mod. as a CF who is also Marriage Free I love this list.

[–]HeyFux0r -3ポイント-2ポイント  (2子コメント)

For a second there I thought I was in /r/TheRedPill

[–]SailorMercureFrenchie Mod 11ポイント12ポイント  (1子コメント)

Something similar could be said about those guys who only see their wives as nothing but baby vessels, want a big family but nothing to do with the raising of these children. I could type a list about their views of marriage and coparenting.

[–]HeyFux0r -5ポイント-4ポイント  (0子コメント)

If the baby making wife's you are talking about are well taken care of and happy why is that a bad thing?

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thanks, stocked up in case I ever face this situation again!

[–]ThatSquareChickGet out of my womb, mom! 17ポイント18ポイント  (2子コメント)

snorting laugh

My husband and I have this attitude of "us against the world*. He's my partner, my voice of reason and my confidant. With his help, I could call myself something like "complete". He's an adult, close to my age and has his own childhood to work from. We didn't even know each other 13 years ago. It's easy to imagine him being "my other half" because everything I did sucked twice as bad before I met him.

A baby is a new thing, completely blank and needs a childhood to even remotely resemble something someone could call a friend. If you're counting on the old "I don't need no man, me and my baby are fine without him!" trope then you're about to be sorely dissapointed when the kid decides it wants to grow up and be it's own person. The whole point of children is to one day let them go. You raise them as best you can then they are supposed to go out and live their own lives. You're just the diving board.

Mama here thinks that she birthed her own companion. It can never be "us against the world" with you and your kid, the kid IS the world! It's going to go out there and explore and figure out what's right for them, even if it's totally opposite what you want or saw for them.

It can be "us or them" with your spouse because after the kids are grown and all the jobs are done, guess who's going to be there for you? Them.

Why some people choose to throw away a person who has the age to make informed decisions in favor of a tiny purple raisin that's going to like Barney, throw tantrums, ignore your advice just to ignore it and frustrate you and then move out of the house in search of their own partner is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

Yes, since the minute she got pregnant the idea of the baby being a separate human being one day has not been a popular one...

[–]theberg512 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Baby is a separate human already, not "one day." According to the mother's I know, babies have distinct personalities in utero, and they could identify the differences with their children. But these are Good MothersTM who not only accept that their children are small people, but actually love getting to know, and guiding, each one as their individual personality develops.

[–]chillyfeets23F | 3 Cats + Nintendo Collection 43ポイント44ポイント  (3子コメント)

Yet they shatter into a million pieces when the husband sees how shitty they're being treated and wants a divorce.

What a vile, nasty woman. -incoming fiery rage-

Do these bitches not realize it takes two to tango? You needed your husband to make the baby that supposedly makes your life oh so complete. So he's just a sperm donor to you? Nothing in his life matters anymore because "you don't need him anymore"? How fucking DARE YOU call yourself a wife.

I fucking HATE it when people view their partner like this. As nothing more than a tool that you use once and then discard. This is someone you are meant to love with every fiber of your being. Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, because you love them and you love being with them.

What happens when your child grows up and moves out of home? You're by yourself again. Now you turn to your husband because now you need them. What's that? He's left? Oh woe is you, how could he have possibly left you?

YOU FUCKING DESERVED IT.

Fuck anyone who thinks like this. They're your LIFE PARTNER. If you're not going to view them as a life partner then fuck off and go to a god damn sperm bank if all you want is a semen demon. Such selfish and utter fucking cunts.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm a hundred per cent with you buddy. This was all going round my head at the time xxx

[–]Reigning_CatsSpinster with Cats 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

Would like to add that while I don't condone cheating I really understand why guys in relationships like these do it.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'd be interested to see stats on that.reckon it would be quite high.

[–]walrusofthenight 17ポイント18ポイント  (5子コメント)

Oh my god how can people think that this mindset is acceptable??

I could never do this to someone I cared about and if it ever came to the point were I really didn't care about them and was telling other people how pointless they were in my life- actually no it would never come to that because I would get out of that relationship because that is a revolting excuse for a marriage/relationship.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 11ポイント12ポイント  (4子コメント)

Yup. So much worse as his issue is mental health related and unlikely to improve given the uncaring and self-involved attitude of his 'loving' spouse. I thought we are meant to be the selfish ones. Saying you are too tired looking after the baby you were desperate to have to deal with anything else, never mind your husband s mental health!!!!! Mind blown

[–]ArtificialReaper 14ポイント15ポイント  (3子コメント)

I never understood what was so selfless about having kids. You are procresting, relaying your own genetic information to continue your own bloodline. Now adoption, I can see that as selfless. I have nothing against people that have kids but goddammit I hate when they say it's so 'selfless'.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you!

[–]theberg512 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Maybe it's "selfless" because they lose their entire identity into their children. Then they go crazy when their kids move on because they no longer have a "self." It's fucking unhealthy.

[–]ArtificialReaper 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Tbh I think that's partly because today sacrificing everything and total martyrdom is basically expected when you have kids

[–]AussieBeltane 22ポイント23ポイント  (2子コメント)

"Gosh, now I can't wait to get married so that I can be just as miserable as you are!"

Why do people tell you horror stories about their shit husbands and shit kids, and then proceed to insist that you'll totally love having those things, because otherwise your life will be meaningless. Apparently.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

I live an utterly meaningless existence, ;)

[–]mochi_chan29/F/ The Nope is strong with this one. 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Common sense isn't so common with these folks.

[–]SailorMercureFrenchie Mod 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

I suppose that for some people a SO is just a means to an end : a co-parent to the child they wanted.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh no, she can do it all on her own apparently...

[–]snakecharms 11ポイント12ポイント  (2子コメント)

I feel like women like this give us other women a bad name. For shame!

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yes, which is another reason I was so angry. My SO had an ex ho to!d him 'if it happens you will have to grow up and take responsibility' plus the first person he ever had sex with pretended to be pregnant 'as a prank' No Wonder he is paranoid!!! I can't believe women like this exist AND manage to snare guys!

[–]Furah20s/M/Au/Ladies, I'm single. ;) 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Us men see your posts of being continually bingoed, trying to get sterilised, and being disinterested in even holding a kid and we think to ourselves "I just need to find a woman like that who likes the things I do.", so don't worry about how these crazy women behave, we know not all are like that.

[–]AgentKittyfeets32/F/Swag pumps out my ovaries, not babies. 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

She's going to be so shocked when the divorce happens.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

I have a tendency to ghost if a shitstorm is on the horizon and think you are right, sadly.

[–]AgentKittyfeets32/F/Swag pumps out my ovaries, not babies. 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah. I'd make sure, if you do reply when/if it happens, just go 'oh but you have baby, you don't need anyone else!' and drop the mic.

[–]brettdavis4 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

As a single guy in my late 30s, I've noticed that some of my female peers are searching for a sperm donor and/or bank account and not a life partner. These women aren't thinking about the foundation of what the family would be built on.

[–]AlasPoorBenedickF/100% Certain/Wife 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

he had a bad day at work was that he was pathetic and she didn't have energy to deal, and consequently came to the realiatiknshe is complete with her baby and happy without him!!!

I hate girlfriends and wives like this. Tell her she should have gone to a sperm bank and saved him the trouble of being with such an ice queen. I'd fucking kill for my husband, seeing people who toss their aside like a spunk sock piss me off.

[–]ShanashyNo parasites for me! 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

...holy fuck. What a despicable person she must be.

[–]SocialIQof0 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

I've heard someone say this before. That once she had her baby she realized she didn't need him. She ended up divorced later. No wonder.

I think there's some subtle psychology to this. I think if you knew this person well through our there life you'd probably find someone seeking love and validation from relationships. A baby is about as validating as it gets (outside a pet) because they love you unconditionally and they NEED you unconditionally. They have no choice. It's the ultimate safe relationship for validation really.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Quite possible. I know she was fairly single prior to this guy n he is v good looking whereas she has a forceful personality and feels she is less attractive than him.

[–]spooky_skinwalker 9ポイント10ポイント  (3子コメント)

What the...

My mouth actually fell open, reading this.

WHO GETS MARRIED IF THEY DON'T FEEL LIKE THEY NEED THAT PERSON IN THEIR LIFE? I can't believe the staggering amount of narcissism in our culture today.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

And I thought the comment about getting rid of her cats if they didn't like the baby was as bad as it was going to get...

[–]logicisadyingtrend27/m/I want kids as much as TLC wants scrubs 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm a wedding DJ and I can't tell you how many couples say things like "we're getting married cause it's time." Not because we're in love or because they can't imagine life without the other. Sometimes I wanna follow up with clients and see if they're divorced yet.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hmmm. And then I suppose its time for babies and they can drop the pretence, start being all about the children and end up stuck. Fuck that noise.

[–]RamsDevilsBlackhawks 7ポイント8ポイント  (1子コメント)

"You don't need them anymore"

....but I bet you'd cash those alimony checks. What a beezy.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Exactly! Also, guy in question is pretty solid and loyal for over fifteen years. He deserves to be a dad!

[–]Birdmothi want my baby back ribs 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

You're supposed to get pregnant to trap your partner into staying with you because having a baby will make you realise you don't need him anymore?

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I only wish I had been drinking at that lunch...utter mombie clap trap, succinctly summarised by yourself

[–]katariadna 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

My mother told me once that after I was born she got mad at my dad for something and told him that her and me aka the baby were so much better off before she met my dad. Crazy hormones.

[–]tinymussolini 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

My partner always jokes she knows where she stands: second to the dog, but Christ on a bike I didn't think people actually acted this way to their SOs. How awful!

[–]annarchy8ⒶI have a dog and that's enough for me 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

My old co-worker got married like three months after the first date. They had a baby a year later and he's been told he's useless, she will only ever sleep with him again to get pregnant again, she uses him for money so she can stay in college and get more degrees, etc. Every time we talk and he brings up how awful his life is and how he never imagined he would end up in a loveless marriage, I ask him if he's ready to file for divorce and he immediately backtracks. 'She's a great mom! I would never do that to my daughter!' And it makes me so sad for him and his wife and their kid.

[–]wolfman8629/M/No dependencies 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

  1. My SO is a nice guy and would not leave me to deal with the situation alone.

And...

she is complete with her baby and happy without him!!!

Interesting double standard there....

Edit; cant format for shit.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yep. Like she would swoop in and go, no its OK babe you can cope without him etc the minute there were to be any sign of trouble.

[–]duganaok 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

Having a baby knowingly without the others consent should be considered rape.

[–]Hugsfortheunloved[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Completely my viewpoint. She knows that too but still went on like a mombie possessed.

[–]Yareki 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

No wonder you were shocked. She assumed you might be willing to betray your partner in a major way. She apparently feels no shame or guilt for these views, like its a thing that not-terribly-close friends might casually discuss! And then she didn't pick up when you were obviously very uncomfortable about it. It very disturbing.