be me

be a scurvy dog pirate NEET (yarr harr)

make another Metacritic account to give One Man's Lie another 0 score as I grin smugly and laugh knowing I'm doing to Shaun Morey as grave an injustice as he's done to me

I decide to get on Steam to play Witcherinie Threenie and I unzip so I can masturbate to Geraldine's morally grayness in 4k at 60fps, but something isn't right

there standing in Gerome's place is an all too familiar face. How could I ever misplace that homeless man non-neck-oriented beard? How could I forget that pretentious plaid shirt? It's him. And he's staring directly at me

Shawn Maury climbs out of my computer screen and I scream for help, but my screams fall on deaf ears

he ties me to a chair and opens No Man's Buy on my PC (I hate the game with my entire being, but I torrented it just to spite him)

I scream and cry and flail but he doesn't care. I wouldn't expect to him to care

Shane Moreno begins shouting blatant lies about the game in my ear, "HOW'S MULTIPLAYER? I BET YOU ENJOY PLAYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS DON'T YOU?!" but I don't see another player for miles

eventually his lies spiral down into violations of common sense

"THE SUN IS PURPLE, THE EARTH IS FLAT, POKÉMON GO IS FUN TO PLAY, CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE OBJECTIVELY BETTER THAN CHICKEN TENDERS!"

my ears are hurting, but the screaming stops

I look up and Sharon Morai has an arrow sticking through his head

he collapses to the ground revealing Leralt Le Riviero behind him

he unties me and silently tips an imaginary fedora at me and flies out the window, spreading his morally grayness across the undeserving world, as I cry tears of joy

Geraldo is love, Geraldo is life