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[–]LoveMyKidMissMyWife 3328 points3329 points3330 points  (219 children)
I feel like it has destroyed my marriage. Both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be. We never talk to each other, we never do anything together, and the very, very infrequent sex is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship. Any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child. I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over 4 years now.
I love my child more than anyone else on Earth, save for my wife. But I miss having a companion in life. If I had known it would be like this, I don't think I would have made the same decisions.
[–]Toad32 2011 points2012 points2013 points  (40 children)
The same thing basically happened with me and my wife after our 1st child. What brought us back was having a date night every weekend where we drop of the kids and just focus on ourselves, and of course get it on afterwards.
[–]Protodevilin 946 points947 points948 points  (10 children)
Yep, this was me and my wife, too. Whatever it takes, get that babysitter. Time away from your children is just as important as time with them.
[–]JohnnyDeppsPenis 440 points441 points442 points  (8 children)
I agree! And if you don't have family or friends who could watch the little ones and a sitter isn't in the budget. Stay up an hour past the kid's bed time. Do a date night in. Get some beverages, light snack and do something fun. This is incredibly cheap and I honestly prefer this because my husband and I can do this as often as we want, there is extremely minimal planning and it changes every time. My ideas of activities: sit and chat, play games, give each other those dorky quizzes where you answer random questions, sex, sex games, try new cocktails, movie night, massages, cooking (if it is relaxing for you two) and a special dinner, work together on a fun project, talk about your goals and dreams for the future, order take out delivered after the kids are in bed.
[–]Doc-Rush 665 points666 points667 points  (2 children)
Pay attention to this. You have what you need to fix this: you love your family and want it to be better. This advice here I have personally seen solve the "I don't know my spouse anymore" problem after having children.
[–]raknor88 26 points27 points28 points  (0 children)
I don't know if my parents were ever having this problem, but I know every year for their anniversary my parents take a trip somewhere. Could be as little as going to city across the state for the weekend or a week vacation to Alaska or Arizona. The point is for them to just take a break form normal life and have some fun together. They just had thier 36th anniversary this year and took a second trip to Arizona.
[–]JanitorPants 250 points251 points252 points  (3 children)
This is solid advice here. I'm a bit of a homebody and the idea of a weekly date night sounded horrible to me when my wife brought it up.
I was wrong.
Not only is it fun, it has brought us back to where we used to be before all the 'life shit' consumed us.
[–]btonka 59 points60 points61 points  (0 children)
Small moments of happiness are very important. They become way more valuable when everything else revolves around the kids.
[–]Haelx 30 points31 points32 points  (0 children)
Yep, I don't have kids but something I always heard was to not forget that you are people before being parents. Of course a child is going to be a huge change in your relationship, but if you see each other only as parents and not as husband and wife, man and woman, it can't go well. Babysitter, date nights, socializing with other people (parents) to share your stories... Maybe talk to your own parents if they are still there and together, maybe ask how they made it work.
[–]glencocobutter 454 points455 points456 points  (18 children)
My SO and I found ourselves in a similar situation. Sometimes we felt like walking away but we sat down on opposite couches and each made a list of our main issues in our relationship. We also set up some rules about making these lists. We weren't allowed to use "you never" statements, we had to explain how the issues made us feel and we had to limit it to three issues that we would spend the next month focusing on. The thing that helps me and my SO (we have two children. In mid 20's and he's in his early 30's) is having the children on a routine and having them in bed early enough that we have an hour or two to ourselves every night. We try to get the kids in bed early enough that we can have this time together and still get enough sleep because time together can be frustrating if you're both exhausted and crabby. We also found ourselves in a somewhat bland sexual rut. The sex was still good but we wanted to try new things but we were both too timid to speak up about what we wanted. I seen a reddit commemy about a questionaire that both couples answer the questions to but at the end it only shows what you both answer positively to. It helped us learn what each other wanted to try without revealing more embarrassing fantasies if the other person wasn't into them. Here's the link if you want to try showing her it. We also set a rule that we couldn't go more than three days without sex. That may sound stupid but we have stuck to it but afterwards neither of us ever say "I really wish we hadn't had sex just now."
I also finally seeked help for my depression and it has made the biggest difference. I go to therapy every two weeks and every once in a while he will sit in and asked the therapist questions about how he can help me. If you think that either of you may have depression that I urge you to seek help and try to straighten it out and get better before you make any rash decisions regarding your relationship.
I'm sorry that I rambled. I realise that this may sound like such an unnatural relationship but not every relationship flows and that is okay. Some people have very natural relationships with their SO's, ours is just a bit more deliberate. I'm happy.
[–]PrincesaSerena25 67 points68 points69 points  (4 children)
I don't even have kids and we made that no three days without sex rule. He promised to make it work even after we have kids within reason. You make me feel a bit more normal. The relationship I have with my SO is also very deliberate. Thank you so much for sharing in such detail. It's nice to know we aren't the only ones like this.
[–]LazyBeeBonnet 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
I think a lot of people confuse actual communication with 'pragmatism' and 'coldness', as if genuinely being honest with your partner is a bad idea.
[–]beepbooboopbeep 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
Adult level; expert.
Seriously though, kudos to you guys!
[–]jrworthy 143 points144 points145 points  (1 child)
Sounds like you could use couples therapy if you have a real interest in regaining the wife you miss.
Just my 2.
[–]shitposterNYI 25 points26 points27 points  (2 children)
If I may, you might want to look into marriage counseling. More couples than you might realize go through this an it ends up benefitting the relationship more often than not. There's really no shame in going to marriage counseling, and if it helps to "fix" your marriage then it will totally be worth it. Just my two cents.
[–]Goto10 25 points26 points27 points  (1 child)
This happened to us also and ended in divorce after 18 years and 3 kids. We're both great people individually but injecting the kids into the equation really took a toll on our relationship. My period or "season" as she called it lasted 10 years before we agreed we weren't in love with each other anymore.
[–]BonkeyKongCountry 67 points68 points69 points  (4 children)
I don't have kids, and I'm not an expert, but it sounds like you guys need to get a babysitter for a night, or better yet a whole weekend. When's the last time you guys had a night to yourselves?
Or maybe solo activities. I'd imagine that a well rounded family life would include time together, as well as time apart. Similarly, you and your child could have activities that are just for the two of you, and the same for your wife. And certainly, activities that are just for you and your wife.
You can put your child first, but your well being is in your child's best interest, so make sure you take care of yourself.
[–]Love_LittleBoo 33 points34 points35 points  (1 child)
Pretty much this. I don't have kids yet but I babysat and nannied a LOT when I was younger, and the most successful couples I saw were the ones that were also my consistent source of income. The most successful and happy of those had very clear boundaries with their kids: bedtime is at x, only one hour of tv, one scoop of ice cream if you're good, etc. Knowing some of them from the neighborhood, these boundaries were also about their alone time: quiet play before x:xx AM, go read by yourselves for half an hour before bed, etc. And they weren't afraid to tell their kids to go play by themselves once in a while because the adults are talking.
[–]Daxos157 31 points32 points33 points  (2 children)
This pretty much sums it up exactly for me but my wife and I had triplets so all of the feelings you so eloquently described are threefold.
[–]noir_lord 22 points23 points24 points  (1 child)
My friend who had twins put it like this xx where x is the number of children born at the same time.
Triplets is life on hard mode.
[–]SanshaXII 35 points36 points37 points  (0 children)
Sounds to me like you settled into that brief period of adjustment and just stayed there. Maybe things will improve with a little more time when your child starts school.
[–]camelican 2928 points2929 points2930 points  (695 children)
I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.
[–]Silly_Buisness 772 points773 points774 points  (402 children)
This is a fear of mine. I do want children, but when and how without it impacting so much of you and your relationships... It seems like there is no middle way at all.
[–]L_H_O_O_Q_ 1562 points1563 points1564 points  (286 children)
u/camelican 's comment sums it up for me. I love my child dearly, but I hate that I continuously have to sacrifice everything that I used to love about life now that I have a kid.
I love working (I'm freelance, so flexible hours) but with a kid I simply have 20-40 fewer hours in a week, and that is with a wife and expensive daycare. It's like I have to fight to get a day's worth of work done.
I used to love spending time with my wife, doing something fun just the two of us. With a kid that happens almost never, and when it does you have to plan it and get a babysitter and accept that it now costs $10 an hour just to see my wife alone. And even then half the time you're probably too frayed and tired to enjoy it.
I used to love having a healthy and active sex life. I was convinced that we would never be those people who couldn't find time or energy for sex. Now we're down to maybe twice a month if we're lucky, and half the time when we do do it it's disappointing. Our sex life went from a constant 9 or 10, to a 2 or a 3.
I also used to love just talking to my wife or being able to hear my own thoughts. With a kid in the house those moments get increasingly rare. It's like we're not allowed to talk to each other. You have no idea how stressful it is when every thought you have and everything you say gets interrupted.
I used to love having disposable income. We're still far from poor, but the extra $2k in bills each month does take away a lot of flexibility. Anyone thinking of having kids, try putting away $2k a month for a year just to see how it feels.
I like getting up early, but sometimes after a long week or night I would sleep in an hour or two. Preferably snuggling the wife, maybe some morning sex, or even just reading my phone... With a kid, fuggedaboutit. You're getting up at 6AM seven days a week, no matter how you feel. It's every day, it does not end for years. And our kid is a good sleeper. Plenty of parents are up twice a night for years.
Traveling and holidays used to be fun. With a kid it's mostly a continuous struggle. There is no daycare so one or both of you is constantly doing the kid. You don't get to see your partner alone or just chill together. Oh and everything is 50% more expensive. The first holiday we booked after we had our son was to Sri Lanka. We were supposed to be there for a little over two weeks but with the baby it was such a shit sandwich that four days in we got online and spent $600 extra to change our tickets and fly home. What should have been a wonderful two week holiday became a very expensive four days of hell.
And all of that is just me and my selfish needs. I haven't even started about the stress of trying to be a good parent. That's a whole other level of difficulty in your life.
I could go on and on and on. The worst part about for me is that it doesn't end. This is hard to convey to people who don't have kids. A kid is awake for 14 hours a day, so even with daycare which costs a fortune, they take up 8 hours of your day every day when they don't take the full 14. It's fucking relentless.
Oh and yes it does get a little better when they get older, but not much. Mine is 4.5 now and it's still full on. We always thought he should have a sibling but we just can't hack it so we're just going to stick to one and feel guilty about it.
[–]jimmy_m 824 points825 points826 points  (92 children)
Your comment is literally the embodiment of everything I fear about parenthood.
[–]specialKswag 121 points122 points123 points  (4 children)
That last paragraph is pretty haunting. To go through all that and one of your prevailing emotions is guilt about your decision. Who needs that shit.
[–]MyinnerGoddes 298 points299 points300 points  (62 children)
His comment embodies the reason i'm never having kids. Call me a selfish prick all you want but kids are money sucking marriage ruining stress machines for the first 18 years of their life and even then they might turn out to be giant shitheads you don't like. And yeah yeah "unyielding love for your children" and all that but to me the cons outweigh the pros.
[–]jimmy_m 116 points117 points118 points  (16 children)
I feel exactly the same way man. People can call me selfish all they want, but at the end of the day I'm the one who has to live with myself and I want to be as happy as I can while doing it.
[–]MiklosTennis 43 points44 points45 points  (7 children)
You're not selfish. There are millions of unwanted children in this world that would give anything to be in a loving, stable home. You could argue selfish is bringing one more person into this already over populated world. Even though I don't and won't have children, I understand people's desire to have one of their own rather than adopting or fostering.
[–]AngelMeatPie 32 points33 points34 points  (5 children)
Tell that to the countless people that shame me for having 0 interest in ever having a child. As a woman, even in the US, there is a very deep-rooted belief that the whole "point" of our existence is to reproduce. Not wanting a part of that is unthinkable to some.
"You'll change your mind. It's different when it's your child. You'll want one when you find the one". 27 years old, single by choice, no fucking kids for me. I'd rather have money, a social life, and a fast car.
[–]nightwolves 74 points75 points76 points  (4 children)
Nothing is selfish about not having kids!!! Why is this such a pressure anymore?! With overpopulation it is better for the planet not to contribute to it. It is such an odd perpetuation. Why care if a couple chooses to remain child free? My reason is it is powerful underlying JEALOUSY. Be free, my friend.
[–]Hy3jii 21 points22 points23 points  (0 children)
How is bringing an unwanted child into a world that already has enough damn people selfish? How is choosing to live your only life the way you want to selfish?
Sitting down and thinking about the sacrifices and responsibilities of parenthood and deciding that you're not up for it is not selfish, it's smart. More people should think like you.
[–]Catsdrinkingbeer 254 points255 points256 points  (10 children)
When I was born, my parents wanted children so badly. They tried for years. And then when I was born they were like "nope. This is good. This shit is hard!" When I was younger I wanted a sibling (specifically an older brother because I clearly had a grip on how babies worked), but once I hit about 10 and realized that without another sibling that I received all the resources, it was great. I never had to fight for attention, we were able to go on vacation a little more often, if I was interested in something (gymnastics, soccer, etc.) I knew I could do it, and when I went off to college I knew my parents would be able to help me out more. So don't feel guilty.
All the reasons you've listed are reasons I don't think I want to have kids. My boyfriend knows that and agrees. We settled on a cat because I'm a crazy cat lady at heart, and also dogs are hard work. But I don't think you should feel guilty about stopping with one kid. I actually think it shows that you're a more responsible parent.
[–]RedShirtDecoy 58 points59 points60 points  (3 children)
I definitely agree with you about being the only child. It was lonely at times but I wouldn't have been able to experience half of what I experienced if my mom had to deal with the expense of a second kid. She was a waitress and a single parent so raising me was tough enough for her but we still went on vacations, to amusement parks, I also played any sport I wanted to, and never had to be responsible for a younger sibling. Any babysitting did was by choice for my moms friends and I was paid by the hour, if I had a sibling I wouldn't have had a choice and I wouldn't have been paid nearly as much if anything at all.
I always knew my mom wanted more kids (she wanted 2-3) but things didn't work out with my dad and she marry my step dad until I was an adult. I did ask her why she never had any more and she said because as much as she wanted more she knew it would be a financial and time burden that would take away from all 3 of our lives so she made the decision not to have one.
As lonely as being an only child was at times, as an adult I am very thankful and proud of my mom for doing what was best for both of us instead of doing what she wanted.
and being able to hog the gaming systems we did have, that were in my room, was always an added bonus.
[–]notquitecockney 156 points157 points158 points  (18 children)
Kids are absolutely hard work.
At 4.5, you're probably not yet out of the "suicidal lemming" stage. Once you get to the point when you can leave them outside a shop, and expect to come back to them still alive, then things do genuinely ease off a bit.
And of course it isn't that many more years before they can free range around and do their own thing. They are also (mostly) pretty good company by this age.
People talk about parenting not getting easier as your kids get bigger, but that's not been my experience. Those early days, corralling what appears to be a small belligerent drunk (with all the associated incontinence issues), are really unrelentingly hard work. That element eases off.
[–]FeralMuse 41 points42 points43 points  (4 children)
This is why I'm much more okay with adopting a kid who has already reached the "I can have a conversation with you" stage. It might have its own set of problems, but I won't be the one repeating to myself "MUST NOT SHAKE THE BABY!"
[–]whachucallme 50 points51 points52 points  (2 children)
Thank you for your honesty. I'll be 28 this month and I am no where near ready financially or emotionally to care for a child. I like the thought more than the actual reality. The fact of the matter is that you are self aware of your frustration and still try to do your best to be good at everything you need to be. And that's the difference between being a good person and being a shitty one. Hang in there.
[–]HerenorthereX 56 points57 points58 points  (6 children)
You summed it up well. It really is that exhausting. The constant interruptions were really hard, just never being able to have a conversation drove me crazy. I swear it gets better! Mine are 9 and 11 now. Even vacations are fun again.
[–]Cthulia 21 points22 points23 points  (3 children)
don't feel bad about the sibling thing- sometimes, through no fault of mom & dad, sibling relationships are basically forced roommates until they are old enough to move out.
sometimes they are much, much worse than that.
this is where my relationship with my older brother currently stands.
[–]mangababe 32 points33 points34 points  (2 children)
Thanks for confirming why I will never breed.
[–]MintyFreshNipples 827 points828 points829 points  (29 children)
The middle ground is getting a pet
[–]topoftheworldIAM 171 points172 points173 points  (17 children)
pet hamster that you can leave in a cage and go out
[–]BKLounge 141 points142 points143 points  (5 children)
This is what makes me think I won't be able to handle children. I'm always trying new things, improving hobbies and trying to execute new ideas I have. I'm selfish with my time because there always seems to be something else I want to try. It's hard enough for me to make time for my friends let alone a child.
Plus I grew up helping raise my 2 adopted sisters starting from the time they were 1-2. I've seen what the process is like and what its done to my parents.
If I was financially set and could spend my time with my family instead of working then it would probably work out ok. Without that stability the added stress and lack of free time most likely wouldn't bode well.
[–]WizzleCudder 49 points50 points51 points  (17 children)
Huge fear of mine. I enjoy being me and obviously with children you have to mold your life around them.
But in the same sense I feel some sort of weird guilt when I think of never having kids. Might just be conditioning that you're supposed to have a family and settle down at some point.
[–]BubblyBullinidae 48 points49 points50 points  (6 children)
I feel this sometimes too. Especially when I think of genetics and my familial ancestors surviving plages, war, and all that for me to be here and I refuse to continue on. Or the fact that my mother is amazing with kids and it would make her so happy to have a grandchild. Buuuuuut I just don't want kids.
[–]Flamburghur 44 points45 points46 points  (0 children)
Please don't feel guilty over a person that doesn't exist. Having a kid to please other people is the worst reason to have a kid. (I don't know of any good reasons to have them which is why I'm not.)
If you think you'd be a good parent, just be a good person to kids you know or join big brother big sister where there are kids who may need a good adult in their life. That way you have a smaller time commitment but you can still make a difference.
[–]ruKITTENmerightMEOW 34 points35 points36 points  (4 children)
Yep. As bad as it sounds I told my fiance that I would resent our child if we accidentally got pregnant before we crossed off a couple major bucket list items we wouldn't be able to do when we have kids. Crossing one of that big thing next month and the next one hopefully next year.
[–]Meingos 97 points98 points99 points  (7 children)
This is something that I've been trying to tell people that ask me when I'm having kids. I love myself too much at this point (as shitty as that sounds). I want to be mentally prepared to love my child even more so than I do myself but I'm not at that stage yet. Maybe I'll never be, who knows. But if and when I am, that kid is going to have the best childhood ever. He/she will be the most important thing in the world to me.
[–]lujanr32 72 points73 points74 points  (0 children)
I don't think wanting time for yourself and improving yourself is shitty at all. It's better to do that than to half ass raise a kid and half ass live your life.
[–]hippiepits 40 points41 points42 points  (0 children)
It doesn't sound shitty at all. There's nothing wrong with loving yourself and wanting to enjoy your life without kids. I think a lot of people have kids because they think it's the next logical step but without necessarily thinking about things like this. Cheers to you.
[–]Alwin_ 226 points227 points228 points  (155 children)
Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway...
[–]Midnight_arpeggio 269 points270 points271 points  (93 children)
Invite them like this:
Hey, we're having a BBQ tonight. If you can find a sitter, we'd love for you guys to come.
[–]LyannaMormontsRBF 16 points17 points18 points  (3 children)
Yup. I always tell people.. If you are very outgoing and spontaneous, definitely pause before having kids. My husband and I don't find it a big deal but prior to kids we spent our evenings at home alone together watching Netflix or puttering around in the garden anyway, so it's not a big deal. But I can only imagine how utterly jarring and stifling it would feel for a couple who was used to a more outgoing and spontaneous life to suddenly be chained down by bed times and crap.
[–]Big_Test_Icicle 28 points29 points30 points  (0 children)
If you do not mind me asking, how old are you? I saw a lot of friends get married and have kids in the early to mid-twenties and now seem really miserable.
[–]pariah007 37 points38 points39 points  (2 children)
How is choosing not to have kids being selfish? I don't want to kids and probably will never have any. My wife feels the same way. I see it as not being selfish. Our world is slowly crumbling in terms of natural resources and extreme climate change. We don't want to bring another life into this mess that just keeps getting worse. It would he like sorry we messed this up so bad for ya son but hey good luck cleaning up our mess
[–]CarlaWasThePromQueen 100 points101 points102 points  (23 children)
Not having kids shouldn't classify you as being selfish. Sorry I enjoy my free time. Guess that makes me selfish.
[–]Aethermancer 43 points44 points45 points  (0 children)
It doesn't make you selfish, but if you are selfish, don't have kids. See how that works?
[–]meoka2368 2392 points2393 points2394 points  (299 children)
All you need is a special needs kids to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."
[–]buttsexparty 1341 points1342 points1343 points  (204 children)
I'm honestly so terrified of having a special needs child. I know that I couldn't handle it. My SO and I have has discussed this before. We would either abort or make sure the child would go to a home where someone could love them. It's just too much for either of us to handle.
[–]Daffers68 731 points732 points733 points  (113 children)
Sometimes those special needs don't turn up until they are 3 or 4.
[–]3893liebt3512 656 points657 points658 points  (77 children)
It's very different, however, raising a child who is high functioning and on the spectrum, than it is to raise a child with a profound cognitive disability.
[–]ythms2 391 points392 points393 points  (62 children)
You can't always tell right away though, you can have a regular kid meeting all it's developmental milestones, speaking and everything.. then BAM, no more words, your kid is now low/mid functioning with autism. Or they get meningitis as a kid and it fucks them right up, or any number of diseases, accidents or conditions, you just don't know how your kid will turn out/what might happen to it.
[–]doodle_day_lewis 195 points196 points197 points  (10 children)
There are also those rare genetic disorders that don't kick in right away either... and traumatic brain injuries... and strokes. My coworker's nephew went from totally fine to 95% paralyzed and unable to speak in the course of one day. Chiari malformation. He's 13.
[–]SPOOFE 117 points118 points119 points  (5 children)
My girlfriend's kid started having seizures when he was 5, and in her eyes it basically stole her son and replaced him with a malfunctioning doppelgänger. Doesn't help that his disorder is intractable, and it took almost a decade to find meds that didn't leave him a zombie, and even now it's obviously an imperfect solution (though he's now able to experience and enjoy life, but he's catching up on years of practically being in a conscious coma).
[–]PM_Me_Neat_Stories 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
It doesn't work in all cases, but has she tried CBD oil? No real zombification, side effect profile is so minimal as to be virtually non-existent. Couldn't hurt to try at the least, though procuring it outside of a MMJ state can be problematic.
[–]SPOOFE 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
Yes, that's one of the more recent additions to his meds. His doctors were really interested in seeing how he reacts, and there's been some noticeable improvement; they've nixed his Depakote entirely, for instance.
[–]jahpo 134 points135 points136 points  (10 children)
Happened to my youngest. Said mom, dad, would wave, smile for pictures and then out of nowhere no more words, totally withdrawn, can't respond to simple commands. Night and day.
Multiple tests, trips to every hospital, therapy, etc. Diagnosed with severe autism and intellectual disability. 5 years old at a 12 month old level. He'll never recover.
*For the record I do not regret having my son just giving some insight into how it can happen. Despite everything he is the happiest little boy and regardless of the struggles he makes my life brighter every day.
[–]ravethebrave 29 points30 points31 points  (7 children)
Wow. I don't know much about autism at all... I thought it was failure to develop, more so than developing and then losing it all and suddenly having autism. That's way scarier. It's like you're not safe until they're like 5
[–]PanComedor 20 points21 points22 points  (1 child)
You're never safe, mental disorders of all kinds could happen at 10 or 20 that leaves them unable to ever be self-reliant.
[–]Jesus-slaves 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
My ex's little brother developed severe schizoaffective disorder around age 6-7. He's legally disabled and will never be able to live without someone ensuring he takes his medicine and doesn't hurt himself or others. The worst part about his issue is that now he's an adult (25 I think) and has learned to be sneaky about skipping doses and taking other drugs he shouldn't mix with his meds. He tried to kill people a couple times per year due to coming off his meds. He also had a habit of forking the yard with every available kitchen utensil. Developmentally, he's stuck around an early teenaged mindset.
I can't imagine having to care for a child that intensely until I die, and then having to worry that since I'll likely die before him, he'll need care arrangements.
[–]p-m-v 60 points61 points62 points  (11 children)
Yes, this is the ugly truth. Anything can happen at any point in life. Even if they're already an adolescent, but they get into an accident that will disable them, you as a parent are the one who has to take care of them most of the time. Thankfully these things don't happen to most of us, but when they do, it will pretty much ruin life for the parents.
[–][deleted] 56 points57 points58 points  (5 children)
I have a child who we were told is on the low spectrum of autism. It has been very hard. Pre school, grade school and middle school has been a nightmare for everyone. He fights with everyone. Has no friends and has made our lives a living hell. He will be starting his second year at college. We have been to therapy it seems forever. As an adult now he refuses to go and he clearly needs help. Home life is constant hell. It didn't start out like this. He was a pleasant, smart baby and toddler. I am praying for the day he graduates and moves out on his own. We as parents have done everything to help him. It has been very hard. I love him but it has put such a strain on us as a family,
[–]suicidebylifestyle 74 points75 points76 points  (4 children)
I used to work with children with autism we had one kid who was allegedly spectrum but I'm my personal opinion he was a shit disturber with no father figure who had his mother wrapped around his little finger and was in need of a smack and military school.
The amount of time he would refuse to do something and say " I'm autistic, We don't like change" was infuriating. Every time he reeled against something it was a power play and little more.
[–]TooFondly 10 points11 points12 points  (2 children)
But every time he called on his diagnosis to be manipulative he further destroyed any possibility of escaping his diagnosis to go on to have a normal life with normal opportunities
[–]BewilderedFingers 70 points71 points72 points  (4 children)
This is one of the major reasons why I am firm about not having kids. I am not strong enough to raise a child with severe special needs, and things like low-functioning autism can't be detected before birth. It would be painful for everyone involved, I just couldn't take the risk.
[–]bothanspy1337 218 points219 points220 points  (38 children)
Same here. My mother always feeds me the "their your child so you'll love them anyways" lecture when I talk about my fears, but it's not about love. It's about my sanity.
Whenever I see families with severely disabled children, the parents look SO hollow. They're often overweight, have grey hair and look ten years older than they really are, and have an empty look in their eyes. They always have to have a fake persona on around their kids too, usually similar to how people act around young children.
One day it hit me that none of that ends. That's your life until you die. That's absolutely terrifying to me. Part of the joy of raising kids is seeing them grow into adults. It also gets progressively easier as they get older. Raising a disabled child is basically caring for a toddler or young child for the rest of your life.
And don't even get me starred on the expenses. You're going to have to put money of some kind away to ensure you can afford whatever group home they're going to after you die, and those aren't cheap. Then there's a good chance you'll have other medical expenses along the way.
Then of course, you're always on duty with them, so to speak. No matter what vacation you take or activity you plan, you're always going to have your child there with you. You're always going to be on some level of alertness I imagine.
To anyone out there who somehow manages caring for a disabled child, you have my utmost respect. I cannot even fathom how you handle the responsibility. You're doing something I'm not physically or mentally able to do and I must command you for it.
[–]robotostrich 76 points77 points78 points  (12 children)
I watched Louis Theroux's Extreme Love: Autism for the second time recently. If you're not familiar with him he's (imo) a brilliant jouralist who makes brilliant documentaries. Anyways, in this one he follows several families who have autistic children, most of them extreme cases. At times it honestly is hard to watch. Seeing these people on the street is different than watching them cope with whatever they're having to deal with on a daily basis. The children give nothing back. Moments of love from them are really rare if there are any at all. They need 24/7 care which seems unbelievably exausting. It might sound messed up but it seems like hell. I can't imagine having a 4 year old child with a severe mental disorder only to have a lifetime of these difficulties ahead of you. I also have a lot of respect for these people but in the end, they didn't have a choice. And if things could have been different I bet you at least 9 out of 10 parents would've wanted that. Highly recommend the documentary, all of his docs really but this one is one of his most emotional ones.
[–]ultraadeline 124 points125 points126 points  (13 children)
I visited my dad and stepmom for the first time in only three years a few weeks ago, and I was shocked at how old and tired they look since I last saw them. My little sister is 21 now, but because she's mentally handicapped, she will never be able to live on her own. My dad and stepmom are going to be caring for her for the rest of their lives. They've talked about putting her on this ranch for people like her, where they work in a greenhouse and sell the produce back into the community in exchange for housing, but it's so expensive. They've always lived paycheck to paycheck.
She has these insane meltdowns every once in a while, despite my parents' best efforts to keep her happy and well-adjusted. Their whole lives revolve around making sure she's taking her antidepressants so she doesn't go into homicidal rages, constantly coordinating social outings for her with her friends who are also special needs, planning out every detail of every day around her...
I love my sister, but I could never do what my parents do. I feel terrible for them. They always talk about travelling or even moving, but you can see the hopelessness in their eyes. They know it will never happen.
[–]loopdeedoopd 27 points28 points29 points  (5 children)
Yeah- my sister has down syndrome and she's around 3 years older than me. My parents had an idea something was off about her, but my mom's really stubborn and wouldn't give up on her.
Fast-forward to when I was born, I was learning stuff at a much faster pace than her with just the simple stuff like going to the washroom, eating and would guide her through all of these basic life skills by the time I was something like 2-3 and she was 5-6 (i don't really remember since i was so young).
My mom was finally able to admit to herself that my sister was disabled and my mom got depression. On top of the emotional weight of realizing your child is disabled, the culture in Asia towards illness in the 90s didn't help my mom deal with it (getting dirty looks, stared at, people talking shit behind your back about you having a disabled child, etc).
We ended up putting her in a special needs home and my parents and I moved to North America to get a clean slate (no family or friends when we first arrived).
Although my parents don't say it explicitly, it's pretty obvious that if they found out about the disability, they would've aborted (recently found out they tried having a baby a year or two before I was born but aborted because the doctor said the baby might be disabled?? or just a bad gut feeling- i forget what my dad said)
[–]Silly_Buisness 32 points33 points34 points  (8 children)
I'm the same way. I get that I would love it because it's mine, and it would be different if it was a real situation that I was in (or so people say), but I don't think it would be for me. You can't pretend like this is what you wanted, and I'm not a 'God doesn't live us what she can't handle' type of person. I feel like it would, in a way, ruin your life and your relationship with your partner. It's s huge fear of mine, and my partner and I do want children. Mild autism I could handle, anything else I couldn't.
[–]ATX5 56 points57 points58 points  (7 children)
Pay the $500 out of pocket to do the cell free DNA screening test. Not perfect but checks for most major chromosomal problems. Expensive but worth it. If mom is 35 or over insurance will probably cover.
[–]neautika 18 points19 points20 points  (3 children)
I did a DNA test from a company on the net called Ana gen on my son. They had two types. One for court or some legal shit. One just so you know and get a peace of mind. Well. We took the cheaper one. Came back negative. Took that shit to my lawyer ready to go to town. Of course they still had to run one through the court. Well... apparently that company was bullshit. Kid was mine. Talk about making me look like an ass in court like I faked it. Fuck that ana gen company. After we complained they let us do a retake(like it mattered now but im at least going to waste some more of their resources). Now it comes back positive....
[–]zegrindylows 31 points32 points33 points  (2 children)
Haha, while this is an enjoyable response, I think that person was talking about DNA testing for genetic mutations and chromosomal abnormalities. They can test for many genetic disorders in the womb now. But like others are saying, delays can show up as the kid is developing. I work in developmental pediatrics and there is also always the undercurrent of suggestion that the pregnancy itself is often responsible for contributing to some kinds of delays, nothing genetic...
[–]IVGreen 162 points163 points164 points  (8 children)
Yeah I know that feels.
And I know how shitty it feels to feel that.
Like you can't tell anyone you know things like that.
I remember telling a friend once. That I wanted to have another kid and joked that in order to ensure that the kid was normal I'd drink and smoke the entire pregnancy. This is a joke because when I was pregnant with my son I was stone cold sober (was one of those evangelical Christians that don't drink) was taking prenatal vitamins cuz I get anemic and prenatal vitamins basically have everything you need to counteract that. And while pregnant I was super serious about everything that doctors and baby books said to do and avoid.
Anyway, my friend called me a monster and what was a 15 year friendship was ended then.
Not cuz of the joke persay. But because when she got upset about the joke and said that jokes like that aren't acceptable and why I'd even joke like that.
Well I said I joked like that because I did everything medically appropriate while pregnant and she smoked weed and drank during both her pregnancies. And yet my son has autism and she's got kids in the gifted and talented program. And her response was I should be thankful for what I do have. But I don't see how being thankful and being upset can't co exist.
I love my son more than anyone else, but at the same time, why can't I also hate that he has autism. Hate that it's not the parenting experience I'd like to have had?
I'm sure if I had to get my foot cut off to save my life I'd be happy that I'm not dead, but I can also be upset that I don't have a foot anymore. They aren't mutually exclusive.
[–]meoka2368 69 points70 points71 points  (0 children)
I'm sure if I had to get my foot cut off to save my life I'd be happy that I'm not dead, but I can also be upset that I don't have a foot anymore. They aren't mutually exclusive.
I'm a lover of metaphors and similes, and this puts it nicely.
Not only do you feel... robbed of the parenting experience everyone else gets to have, but then you also feel bad for the child himself, because you know he'll have more struggles in life than a neurotypical person would. And you feel responsible for that. And there's nothing you can do to fix it.
Why would anyone be happy that their child is starting out at a disadvantage in life compared to almost every other child they see?
[–]src88 111 points112 points113 points  (17 children)
I work with kids with special needs. It is almost guaranteed divorce . Also I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The kids can be lovable and cute but this puts parenting (already hard) on to hard mode. I have tremendous respect for what some of the parents put up with and how hard they fight for thier kids.
[–]meoka2368 17 points18 points19 points  (4 children)
Thank you for being one of the people who works with special needs kids. I can't imagine willingly doing it as a job.
[–]MyDamnCoffee 114 points115 points116 points  (14 children)
I'm a single mother to a two year old and am currently 9ish weeks pregnant with my second. I've been called an asshole for it but, if I find out my second child will have severe issues such as a physical deformity or downs syndrome, I will abort. I can not love and care for a special needs child the way I could a "normal" child which would not be fair to the second child. I don't have the patience for it.
[–]peppermint-pie 115 points116 points117 points  (5 children)
The only asshole in this situation is the person telling a mother what she can and can't do with her body.
[–]Pregnancyinsomnia 719 points720 points721 points  (29 children)
I love my boys more than I ever thought I could. However... it's Saturday night and I'm covered in baby vomit with the baby refusing to sleep anywhere else but on me. He will wake about 3 times between now and when the toddler wakes at 6am. I'm carrying 20kg more than I'm comfortable with and have no clothes that fit. I feel guilt for so many choices I make.
There are times I regret having my second baby because it's so hard to juggle the needs of two and still find time for my needs. People tell me it will get easier but for now, I'm hating it.
[–]BubbleGumLizard 188 points189 points190 points  (4 children)
Oh my god, it gets so much easier! I have two girls sixteen months apart (now I have two toddlers, but my older girl is rapidly turning into a real child). The first year of my baby's life was the worst. Your perception of "easy" changes a bit, but in my experience the worst times are nothing like the stress of a toddler and a newborn.
Good luck! Stay strong!
[–]Habanero10 388 points389 points390 points  (6 children)
My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.
[–]Baja_fresh_potatoes 313 points314 points315 points  (1 child)
I work for a residential independent care facility that takes care of adults with developmental disabilities, and I can tell you that while abuse does happen, theres plenty of devoted, loving people who will treat your daughter with dignity and respect. The sooner you get involved in finding your daughter a place where she'll be treated well, the happier and healthier she'll be in the long run.
[–]Habanero10 78 points79 points80 points  (0 children)
Ok- Thank you.
[–]PaulTheGuy 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
My sister works with adults with developmental disabilities, and though I can't promise that everyone is like her, I think your daughter will be in good hands. Of course you hear about the abuse that happens, but you don't hear about the people who genuinely care about them and do everything they can to help them.
[–]jerkstore13 491 points492 points493 points  (18 children)
I never get a minute to myself. As an introvert this is the hardest part.
I see my friends going on exciting vacations, doing whatever they want to do. I can't because kids are so expensive that we can't afford to go anywhere.
I haven't slept past 6 in years.
I'm stuck in a place I don't want to live in.
[–]PM_Me_Neat_Stories 93 points94 points95 points  (3 children)
This is my primary reason for no kids. I absolutely require at least a couple hours alone per day. I resent people who try to impede that alone time, so I imagine I would start to resent my kids, especially since I don't find children particularly pleasant to be around, and don't really have much of a nurturing instinct.
I also can't rightly conclude any moral imperative that would allow me to not feel guilty about bringing another consuming, selfish creature into this demonstrably overpopulated and over-strained world.
[–]Michelle_Lynn2016 28 points29 points30 points  (4 children)
Parenting as an introvert is extremely difficult. I think there's a book on how to cope with parenting when you as a parent are the introvert. I'm the same.
[–]ethics 753 points754 points755 points  (65 children)
Destroyed marriage via:
  • Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking
  • The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
  • The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
  • Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
  • Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
That's for the marriage bit.
Then there's work/life balance which goes out the fucking door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...
[–]Protaokper 171 points172 points173 points  (58 children)
I plan to never have kids or an SO. I glorified it in my childhood, but I think I've realized that it's not all fun and games. I have anger problems also, because of that I really can't see myself living with anyone, much less impressionable children.
[–]BiIbo_Faggins 127 points128 points129 points  (10 children)
Good of a reason as any not to have kids. It seems as though a lot of people look down on you if you dont have kids, when an adult sees themselves as unfit to be a parent that should be enough of a reason not to become one.
[–]dispatch_debbie 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
This reason right here is why I chose to never have children. I knew I would not be a good parent. I really do like kids, but just saw what my mother went through raising four of us. I knew I didn't have it in me. I never regretted not doing it, but I still wonder sometimes what my life would be like if I had them.
[–]sorrymydickbroke 153 points154 points155 points  (30 children)
I just turned 21 and realized this. All my life I've romanticized the idea of getting married, starting a family, I thought that's how it's supposed to happen right ? Now I see my friends having kids, getting married, fuck that stuff. I've tried dating thus far in college and have now acknowledged that I am a selfish piece of shit with the emotional capacity of a stapler. I have this idea of a "perfect relationship" and when it doesn't happen I'm crushed. I'm better off relying on myself to be happy all the time. Plus freedoms yo
[–]Tflipflop 94 points95 points96 points  (2 children)
sounds like you need a girl with the emotional capacity of a staple remover.
[–]emmastewart18 771 points772 points773 points  (55 children)
It's not that I regret having her, but if I could wrap her in cotton wool and bubble wrap, put her in a cupboard for ten years with the guarantee that I'll get the same child then I without a doubt would.
Parenthood is just not what I expected it to be. I mean people told me that you have to make sacrifices when you become a parent but because I had never really made any sacrifices before having her, I had no idea what that might entail or feel like. I also thought I wouldn't mind missing out on all the partying and holidays because I would have the ultimate gift, a child but I have found that also to be untrue. I do mind missing out on the partying and holidays, and therefore I try to cram as much as that in as I can still, which makes my quality time with my child few and far between. Yes I have her 5 nights a week, I feed her, bathe her, teach her, discipline her, put her to bed but I mean proper quality time I feel she misses out on because sometimes I have no desire as I'd rather be elsewhere.
I feel constantly guilty because I'm not putting my all in to be the best Mummy I could be, how I imagined myself to be and I feel she is missing out. Before I had her I always wanted 3 children, now 1 is enough for me, I don't want anymore.
Like I said I wouldn't use the word regret but if I could have taken a glimpse into what parenthood really, really is like before I fell pregnant, I would have been a lot more careful. People can tell you but nothing can really prepare you for what it is really like. It is a 24/7 hands down the toughest most exhausting job ever.
[–]weaselyvr 76 points77 points78 points  (0 children)
My wife struggles with similar feelings. I'm a stay at home dad, and my wife has such a stressful job that when she gets home, she just doesn't have the energy to handle a toddler.
It's very hard, and I'm sorry you feel the way you do. However, you have to remember that while your child is a huge part of your life, they aren't YOUR life, and that really comes first. Just like on a plane, you put your mask on first, because you're useless to your child if you're dead.
Take the time to center yourself. You deserve it.
[–]3893liebt3512 462 points463 points464 points  (14 children)
The fact that you feel guilty means you're a good parent. Bad parents don't give a fuck.
You have to take care of yourself, too.
[–]FlashpointJ24 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
In my experience, it's the bad parents who constantly brag self-assuredly about what a wonderful mother or father they are. The good ones tend to worry that they're not doing enough.
[–]bratysmurf 115 points116 points117 points  (11 children)
This! So much this. My husband and I always talked about wanting kids, but were told for years that the chances of actually having any on our own, was slim to none. Which, I feel now actually made us want them more. When I finally got pregnant, it was like a dream come true. About a month after he was born, reality hit. There was no more spontaneity, taking a ride to the store required more than throwing on boots (middle of winter) and now required diaper changes, packing a bag of clothes (he has some pretty bad reflux issues) and coordinating schedules. Then I wound up pregnant the second time, and it was a shock and neither of us were excited. My oldest is 9, and he pretty much does his own thing and doesn't want a lot of attention or alone time with my husband or I. My youngest just turned 7 a few weeks ago. She's loud, runs and jumps throughout the house. She doesn't know what her inside voice is, and she still hasn't figured out personal space boundaries. To say she is a handful is seriously an understatement. I honestly forget what life was like before kids, but I remember a lot more free time to focus on myself. Add in some mental health issues, and the last few years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I love both of my children so much, but I miss "Me"
[–]trexasaurusrex 78 points79 points80 points  (5 children)
This might be completely worthless to you, but your comment reminded me of something my sister in law was talking about yesterday. She has 2 year old twins and said Amazon Prime Now has been a lifesaver for her. If she's trying to make dinner and needs an ingredient she can just order it and it's at her door in an hour. She doesn't have to take an hour or two out of her day to bundle the girls up and navigate the store for just a couple things. Seems like a good option for a busy family.
[–]Allprocrastination 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
I use subscribe and save to have household goods and dry groceries show up on a schedule so I am almost never in a store.
[–]blue_wittgenstein 22 points23 points24 points  (8 children)
I'm sorry to hear that. I also want to have kids someday and don't trust parents who say parenting is all fun and games, so thanks for sharing this. I have very high expectations, so I can imagine how you feel. If I were you, I'd try to become 1% better a mom every day. I remember watching an expert talking about it, if you want, I could send you the link. Stay strong :)
[–]greevous00 260 points261 points262 points  (46 children)
...got two kids... both teenagers now. The eldest has anxiety and depression... sometimes I wonder how my wife and I have managed to stay married through it all. We love both our kids more than anything, but having one with mental health issues is just exhausting. You start to anticipate the crazy as you're driving home from work. Almost nothing gets her out of her moods, and it weighs heavy on all the relationships in the household. She does therapy and meds, and they help some, but it's like she's just hell bent on seeing the worst possible view of everything. So then you imagine the life that this person you love is likely to lead, given this tendency, and it's just depressing. It gets hard to maintain hope.
"Regret" is a strong word, but if we could go back to when she was little and happy, and just stay there, it would be a lot better.
[–]Amelia_ApA 157 points158 points159 points  (1 child)
Having been that child, I want to say it can get better. It's taken me years (from young teens to young adult), but I live on my own am working full time and going to school part time. I'm happy, and what most people would argue as successful. Your daughter, I'm sure, will get there one day. It's not easy, but I just wanted to let you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel :)
[–]sleepyhollow_101 53 points54 points55 points  (0 children)
Oh goodness.
I have both anxiety and depression as well, am on medication for it. There were some rough years during middle/high school where I was in a really bad place, and some rough times in college off and on.
Now I'm wondering if I made my parents miserable. I'm sure I did. You know, I worried so much about what kind of person I was becoming that I didn't really stop to think how it was affecting them.
I owe them so much for making it through everything.
[–]flowerpuffgirl 44 points45 points46 points  (4 children)
it's like she's just hell bent on seeing the worst possible view of everything
Please know that she isn't. Mental illness coupled with teenage hormones is bad. Really bad. It is a disease. She has no control. You wouldn't say this about cancer, or dementia, or arthritis, or any plethora of other physical illnesses. It's not true for mental illness either.
[–]throwaway123694 100 points101 points102 points  (14 children)
Haven't actually had a kid yet but the wife is pregnant. With upcoming expenses and more responsibilities, I'm kind of wish she wasn't pregnant. After losing my income recently, my focus went from how to raise a happy child to how am I going to pay all the bills with a baby coming?
My biggest fear is having a child with some disability. I don't know if I'm mentally prepared for that. I know I'm currently not financially prepared for that. My wife really wants to have kids, although her nausea is making her think twice, and I'm more in between but right now, I, due to financial stress, I'd rather not have any.
[–]Nottodayhoneyhoney 132 points133 points134 points  (8 children)
When we did the family history to see the chances of any defects, not only did he lie, to me his whole family did. All the ultrasounds were normal, so imagine my surprise when I hear "Are her feet supposed to look like that?". She has clubfeet and its not easy. She needed full leg casts, and is still on braces. She is 1 and can't walk, on top of that I was just informed she will be needing tendon surgery on her left foot. Only after this ordeal do I find out that his family has a history of disorders. Imagine blaming yourself for months, thinking you could have done something different but it was not your fault. Dealing with her feet is a huge strain Financially and emtionally. If you are planning on having a baby always be truthful to your partner.
[–]LARGE-MARGE_sent_me 52 points53 points54 points  (0 children)
I was born with clubbed feet, and had the same procedures. I'm 22 now and totally functional. However, my legs are strangely small below the knee, and I get various pains in my feet and ankles. Can still play sports, just have to take it easy on my feet when I can.
[+][deleted]  (11 children)
[removed]
    [–]Cheerful-Litigant 52 points53 points54 points  (5 children)
    I don't regret having my kids so much as keeping them. I feel badly that I'm their mother and my husband is their father, because we've made some serious mistakes and they have had to deal with that. I was 17 when I had my oldest two (twins) and I genuinely did not understand how much my brain was still changing and how unprepared I was and how unprepared I would remain. The first few years I felt like I really did pretty well --- not even "pretty well for a teen mom", I thought I was a pretty excellent mom overall. As I've gotten older and more self aware that has changed.
    This isn't a constant crushing feeling or anything, just something that hurts from time to time and I try and deal. And again, I don't regret having them; I understand that I'm biased but I truly believe that all four of them are wonderful people and the world is a much better place with them in it. But I regret not handing them over to someone who would've done a better job.
    [–]OneCrazyMotherDucker 73 points74 points75 points  (6 children)
    My son is the result of a sexual assault. I chose to keep him and raise him but at the time I didn't realize how bad my PTSD would be and how much I would struggle and it's honestly not fair to him at all. He's 6 now and I struggle with wishing I had chosen adoption. I've spent his whole life in various intensive therapy and struggle with addiction. We live with my parents who are a fucking Godsend because they are a stability in his life and fill in in all the places I lack. But I have so much guilt because he deserves a better life than I can provide and thought I would be able to provide.
    [–]fghlsbkljsgklj 478 points479 points480 points  (59 children)
    Throwaway for obvious reasons.
    I don't care about my son.
    I got my then gf pregnant by accident, and her being her Christian self didn't want to abort it. Our relationship was always off the wall, she always had plans for our "future", but I didn't even want to marry her, but I never told her.
    Boom comes baby, I loved him to death since I first laid eyes on him. I bought him everything I could, everything was for him. GF has post partum depression and tells me she doesn't love me anymore, I tell her it's the depression talking, so we try to mend it. A year later she cheats and leaves me, moves to 7 different states and takes baby. I try to track her down but in the end it was futile. I was heartbroken from her, and especially my son.
    7 years later she goes back to live in my hometown and says she wants me to see my son (in the end it was only because she wanted child support). I had already moved on, made my career in engineering, got married, and we have a beautiful baby girl on the way. She takes my son and we finally meet, it was really awkward and I didn't know what to say. He spends every other week with me, but it's like having a stranger in the house. It's been 2 years of this and I don't feel any connection to him. He's a good kid, doesn't pull any tantrums, is respectful, loves his sister, but I just don't love him. It makes me feel guilty. I don't really regret him, per se, but to me, he just feels like an outsider from a life I tried to move on from.
    [–]just_us_for_all 167 points168 points169 points  (1 child)
    Sometimes bonding takes work. No one talks about it because you're expected to feel some instinctive primal connection to your flesh & blood, but it takes work. If you could grow to love your wife, you can grow to love your son.
    Try finding something fun for just the two of you to share. Look for traits you may have passed on to him - his walk, facial expressions, eyes, whatever. Find out what makes him tick. Find something you can teach him - sports, a video game. Build something together - kids love to help. It will feel like a chore at first, but I promise it will be rewarding.
    [–]Qari 488 points489 points490 points  (19 children)
    Make an effort man. That kids fucked otherwise. Try to take him out alone, make a day about him, ask him about his hopes and dreams and shit. Really dig deep. Cause really, without a dad, or worse a dad that seemed to not care and a mom that seems a bit off, he'll be fucked.
    [–]PineMangoes 120 points121 points122 points  (0 children)
    This. Kids know when their parents don't love them.
    [–]Surtrsflame 148 points149 points150 points  (7 children)
    I love my son and being able be there for him is what gets me through the darkness. That said, having a child has screwed up my life.
    Im am 25 years old, with no education or job skills. I am seperated from my wife and living in my friends spare room. This is because I wanted the best for my son, I married his mother so he would know what its like to see his mother and father everyday. I worked to support him and his mother while she finished her education and landed a job. I regret the 3 years I spent trying to make the marriage work. All she did was gain weight and tell me how worthless I am, how I dont care about my family, and how i do nothing for them. That was a normal day, if i were to disagree with her or have an opinion different from her she would attack me. We disagreed alot and had different opinions on everything, so most converstations ended in me getting hit. I didnt call the cops because her career would be ruined and that would hurt my son.
    Thats all over with, currently I work 12 hr shifts 3-4 times a week, I get my son on my days off. between work and being a father, the little free time i get is at odd hours. That makes it really hard to meet girls or work more hours so i can dig myself out of the hole im in, while still spending time with my son. I could put that child support towards a newer vehicle, mines going to die soon, or I could spend that money on food. That's honestly why im hurting financially right now, I sort took a break from trying to dig myself out and started eating again. I have lost 35+ in 7 months by going hungry, i regret i have to do this, but my kid eats so its all good :)
    [–]Ian9817 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
    You're a fucking saint, keep it up bro
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      [–]vixiecat 244 points245 points246 points  (65 children)
      I love my children more than anything else in this world. Words can not describe the type of love I feel for them. But at the same time, I do regret having them. I regret being the person that I have become as a parent. I was always carefree and spur of the moment.. now I'm careful and if plans aren't set in stone, they likely won't happen.
      I always said I would never have children. I hate kids..I do. I am just not that type of nurturing person. I was always very careful to make sure protection was in use (condoms, birth control) but I am that .1% and apparently very fertile.
      I do not have that natural motherly instinct that all women seem to have, you know..that one that kicks in the moment they know they're pregnant. I have to work really hard at it and it's exhausting. I miss my solitude and being able to "check out" of reality from time to time.
      With all that being said, there is not a thing I wouldn't do for my children. They will always be my babies. They are amazing little creatures. My boys play travel baseball and I wouldn't trade long nights at the ball fields for anything. Watching them play is one of the greatest joys in my life. Still, I often find myself wondering what life would be like without them.
      [–]macaroniprincess 122 points123 points124 points  (53 children)
      Straight up honest. I don't have kids but the lack of "motherly instinct" truly scares me. I'm 25 and all of my friends and co workers are in the baby crazy phase and I feel like there's something wrong with me for not craving children. I know I want to have one at some point but there's no drive. Will I even be a good mother?
      EDIT: Wow thanks for all the responses. I had my phone off for most of the afternoon and came back to a lot of replies on both sides. I'm pretty sure I do want children someday but I just feel pressured, like it's the expected next step maybe? My husband and I are secure in our careers, own our first home, and we've got our 4th wedding anniversary (but we've been together for 11 years) coming up in a week so every family gathering or whenever we run into someone from our past the first thing that comes up is kids. I still feel very young and like I'm faking being responsible most of the time. I feel like I'd be faking being a parent too. Thanks for all the advice it's given me a lot to think about.
      [–]chitoiup 101 points102 points103 points  (2 children)
      Well, then maybe you don't really want to have any. Nothing wrong with that. Don't give in to the pressure if you don't like to.
      [–]vixiecat 18 points19 points20 points  (7 children)
      I'm fairly certain I'm a terrible parent, but I try. I try really hard to be good at it and I try to do what's best for them everyday. I don't have all the answers but I think that's ok.
      [–]TheUnicornIsWatching 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
      Trying to be a good parent makes you a better parent than a large part of the population. Even if you lack instinct, you are there for your kids. You should be proud of yourself for teaching yourself how to deal with kids and make difficult life adjustments. Considering what's best for the kids is a hallmark of good parenting, so give yourself a little pat on the back :)
      [–]veggienurse 57 points58 points59 points  (11 children)
      I'm 24 and have never felt motherly. I firmly do not want to have children, it's just not for me. Everyone says "oh you'll change your mind one day" or "youll love them when you have them" but I don't believe that truly ever happens. Yes, people who didn't want kids who had them (by accident or otherwise) do love their children but I doubt that it's out of anything other than circumstance. It bothers me that having kids is still viewed as something you have to do. Choice is a beautiful thing and Im very happy to live in a country where I can do what I want with my body. If you decide you want kids, great... but if you're not feeling it, then don't worry about it. There's a lot of other fulfilling things in life outside of being a mother.
      [–]Veloreyn 40 points41 points42 points  (0 children)
      Some days it's hard not to regret it. I have a 6 year old with severe ADHD (brain trauma at birth), and an autistic 4 year old still in diapers. My wife is active military and I had to leave a very lucrative job to take care of them. I love them, but occasionally I have to chant that to remind myself that I do.
      [–]FancyAdult 75 points76 points77 points  (6 children)
      I sometimes think my husbands infertility issues were a sign for him to not have children and was a message to me to not have a kid or maybe not with him? I don't know... But I do know that it has completely changed my entire life and every plan I have made and will make in the future. I believe the experience has added to my life, and gave it purpose when I needed it years ago. But honestly, I would have been fine without a child. I put everything on hold and made more work for myself, since my spouse doesn't work and has been in poor health for the last five years, and progressively worse in the last three. Although I love my child, I wouldn't recommend to someone to have a child unless that's really the most important goal in their life. Maybe I'll feel differently as I get older and think that I should have had more than one. But right now, I'm not a great mom... I'm good, and active and interested and take care of her needs... But motherhood doesn't define me really... It defines most of my friends that are moms, and it's hard for me to jump on that band wagon and be completely like 'yay! I'm a mom!" It just won't happen. I abandoned my moms group a few years ago, because of all of the mom bullshit stuff and the competitive behavior, like there is a certain way to parent the best, etc... Also, I can never get onboard with the fucking PTA moms at my daughters school. I'd rather poke my eyes out rather than watch how dumb these women can be, and just because I'm a mom does not make me anything like a lot of these women. I actually think most of them are assholes because of their comments about me being a working mom and telling me how much they volunteer and then their kids get first page in their crappy ass yearbooks, with a ton of misspelled words and grammatically incorrect sentences... And their inability to know the difference between you and you're, and their, there and they're.
      [–]Beccy477 16 points17 points18 points  (4 children)
      I feel like I had my son with my ex partner under false pretences so to speak and now that we're not together I sometimes feel like life would just be easier if we hadn't had a child together. Back story: I found out when my son was only a few months old that his father had been cheating on me basically our entire relationship, lying, manipulating and basically being a horrible human being and we split. We didn't have the most amicable break up and had to sort out court agreements, visitation etc. He now basically nit-picks everything and anything he can and makes life difficult. I wouldn't take back my son for the world but sometimes I just feel like this isn't exactly what I signed up for and if I'd know about everything before I became pregnant things would be so much different. Naturally I'm not the biggest fan of my fathers son (due to the cheating etc) so having to be in constant contact and being tied together like this for life isn't much fun.
      [–]Beer_Lets_Me_Sleep 74 points75 points76 points  (1 child)
      I come from a broken up family and never wanted that for my kids. I wanted a full family with no step parents or split visitation. I'm now a single father of two who have different mom's. I really wanted things to work but they just never did. My one kid has a mom who has now went three weeks without seeing him because she has refused to do an 8 hour drug class I paid for. My other son's mom is great though and we do 50/50 outside of court so that's nice, but I still wish things weren't this way. My regret isn't exactly having kids, it's having them with people I mistakingly thought were who I would be with the rest of my life.
      [–]sparklingbluelight 24 points25 points26 points  (0 children)
      I appreciate this thoughtful answer. You have a perspective I haven't seen yet in this thread and really never thought of before.
      [–]theunstopable_cam 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
      I feel like I can't do many of the things I want to do. And I'm now tied to this relative area bc I'm not going to have a child and not be around. Also, I cannot stand my child's mother. We can't get along at all and she has no issues with lying to get what she wants and we have a horrible relationship.
      [–]prepare-todie 15 points16 points17 points  (1 child)
      I think these responses may have been different say a generation ago. Parents used to have a life + kids. Now society and childhood has evolved to where kids ARE the parents' life. Parents (including myself) are required to be so wrapped up in their kids that everything else suffers. Kids do not go out anymore for hours. Their lives have become incredibly micromanaged by us parents, robbing parents of our lives.
      [–]elartepubs 29 points30 points31 points  (2 children)
      I think every parent regrets it at some point whether it's a flitting thought that is there and gone or a long conversation you have with yourself. Because it's fucking hard work. I worked some shitty hard labor jobs when I was younger and none of them compare to being a parent, especially a full-time parent.
      When you're up late cleaning puke out of the carpets for the fifth time in an hour; when you're running on 8 hours of sleep over the last three days and you feel like you just took acid to help with a hangover; when they're screaming bloody murder because you said they can't eat that cactus; when they purposely test the limits of your patience; when they're rude or ungrateful little shits despite living a life a thousand times better than you did.
      It's as natural as the love you feel when they smile at you or laugh at something you did or cuddle up to you or do something for the first time and give you that feeling of "I did it, my human is humaning!"
      You are a God to this tiny little person but you are also their Slave. It's easy to lose sight of yourself and/or your partner when you have this responsibility on your shoulders and it's easy to blame the kid for it.
      Especially if you have kids too young. I was 26 when my son was born, and I had a lot of fun in those years of child-free adulthood. A lot of fucking fun. And literally every person I know who had a kid before 21 has turned out to be a shitty parent, because they never get to experience being an adult.
      Anyway, I got too high while writing this and forgot my point.
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            [–]regretful_dad1 74 points75 points76 points  (29 children)
            Throwaway. Having a child ended my marriage. I never wanted kids, ever, and was very clear about this with my (now ex) wife from the day we met. We initially met each other on a dating site, on which it even said on my profile "doesn't want kids." She noticed this and brought it up early in dating, and I confirmed exactly my opinion. We talked about it many times from dating, through engagement, and when we were married. It was always non-negotiable with me.
            A few years into marriage she caught the baby bug from somewhere, and started badgering me about it almost constantly, trying to change my mind. "It'll be different when it's ours," "you don't like other kids but you would love your own," "you'll change your mind when you see it," the usual clichéd crap. At some point she mentioned the issue to my parents as well, and desperate for a grandchild they started putting the pressure on me too.
            At this point my wife and I had a very serious conversation, in which I made it clear that I wanted nothing more than for her to be happy, and if that meant she needed to have a child the only option was for us to end our marriage so she could find someone else who could give her what I couldn't. I didn't want this to be an ultimatum or a threat or anything like that, I just knew in my heart that I didn't want a child, couldn't love a child and didn't want the change in lifestyle a child would bring to our marriage. She said that us being together was more important than anything else and I thought that was the end of it.
            Some time later, my wife unexpectedly fell pregnant. She's always said it was a surprise, and that it was the one in a million chance of our birth control failing. I'm not convinced, but I've never been able to prove anything. She told me the fact it happened was sheer fate, and showed that it was meant to be even though I "thought" I never wanted it. This was her justification for not having an abortion. Our relationship, particularly trust, was basically already dead from this point onwards. She gave the same reasoning as always, I'd love it when I saw it etc. but I didn't. Not on day 1, not after year 1, year 2, year 3...
            I tried to stick at it for just under 4 years, but it was awful. I felt nothing for the child, it was like an object to me. A very inconvenient, demanding object that meant my wife and I never did anything together anymore. No dates, no holidays, no trips, no adventures, no sex. We barely spoke and when we did it always seemed to be child-related. In the end, I couldn't take it anymore and filed for divorce. I happily granted full custody to my wife, and moved away to seek employment elsewhere. That was 6 years ago and I haven't seen her or the child since. I think my parents still visit it, but after what happened I don't really talk to them anymore either. I've never met another woman with the spark and chemistry I had with my wife in the child-free years of our relationship, and the few women I've dated disappear quickly when they find out I'm not going to give them a baby. I'm not sure where I go from here.
            [–]Annihilicious 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
            Wow good answer. Probably should have gotten snipped. I am impressed you stuck it out 4 years. I would have immediately ended things, maybe even if there was an abortion. I dont believe in miracles, had to have been intentional. It is fucked that people can rationalize betraying so deeply people who love them.
            [–]CrystallBlue 75 points76 points77 points  (5 children)
            Misery loves company. Don't let anyone pressure you into having children. To those who are younger and knowing how they feel about being a potential parent, good for you! I never put much thought into it. Now as a mom to 4 (ages 5-16), I can tell you, your life as you knew it is over. At least until they are all adults.
            But meanwhile, everything you love and enjoy is put on hold. Sleep? What's that? One of my children did not sleep through the night until she was almost 6. Another had epic mind-blowing tantrums until she was 5. Over little shit like, no I don't want to leave the park. Going to the store without kids in tow feels like a vacation.
            And judgment? Do you like being judged by complete fucking strangers? Well it happens. Now that I've been a mom for over 16 years I don't take anyone's crap. But back then it used to hurt me so badly when a little old lady would come over to lecture me about what I was doing wrong. Now I tell her to fuck off.
            My best friends are those whose kids are fully grown or who are childless. They don't have to hem and haw about getting a babysitter when I ask if they want to go for a drink. When I get together with my girlfriends I don't want them bringing their kids over. They trash my house, bother us constantly. No thanks.
            I'm divorced and to be honest I have more free time now that daddy gets the kids half the time. We both are happier now because we can get a little piece of our lives back. (No that's not why we divorced but the stress of having children will absolutely take a major toll on your marriage. And yes, we tried therapy, date night, etc.)
            I have to throw in that being an American parent is harder than what it used to be. I don't remember my parents having it so hard. We overthink everything, we are very hard on ourselves. I have no problem now telling my kids to go to their rooms because it is "quiet time" because mom has had enough and needs to sit with a cup of coffee and a book. No iPads, go play or read quietly. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves. Once they are 2-3 years old they can go to their room for that quiet time. They have to learn they are not the center of the universe. We are raising a bunch of fucking narcissists for real. That has got to change!
            I applaud all you young people who are really thinking through whether to have children or not. And please remember, this is why organizations such as Planned Parenthood need to stay open and funded.
            [–]CynicalDick 48 points49 points50 points  (9 children)
            It never ends. Our kids are 31,30 & 29 and yet cannot handle even the most basic of crisis. We regularly commiserate with our daughter-in-law's parents. Somehow we all raised completely self-asborbed, the world-owes-us everything children. The best part is: We are stilled blamed for every single one of their mistakes. Couldn't finish college? Our fault, got a crappy job? Our fault. Car breaksdown? Our fault. Grandpa dies and they're not in the will? Our fault. Jesus when I was 18 I was supporting my mother. Thank God we're not depending on them to take care of us.
            I know reddit is gonna judge the shit out of me and not that it matters but they were not spoiled as kids. We were young and pretty poor when they were born but we both worked our asses off and got better jobs, more money, etc so by the time our oldest was 9 we bought our first house and by the time he was 15 we had paid it off. As our income advanced we did not "spoil them" I offered to reward grades in highschool but we ended up with two drop outs and a D student. I know I'm a horrible parent. I am reminded of it every single day. I don't offer any parenting advice I just hope the rest of you have better luck than us.
            The one interesting bit: As our oldest approached 18 I felt the transition to adulthood for them would tear my wife and me apart but it actually brought us closer together. We are more in love every day.
            [–]Chloe_Zooms 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
            I'm so happy to hear that last sentence. I know the rest is very sad and it's a shame, but the fact that you're still together AND in love is amazing. You must be meant to be.
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                [–]lcotemi 78 points79 points80 points  (8 children)
                When my kids were young, Columbine happened. I realized that I had brought kids into a terrible world. I regretted it for a long time. Then they had heartbreak from young love, and I regretted it again. I hated that me wanting kids of my own caused those kids to hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from. But they've grown up to be happy, healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become.
                [–]throwitawaydaddy 23 points24 points25 points  (5 children)
                I never wanted to be a bad. I think she oopsed me. She was on BC but after she told me she might be pregnant I got suspicious and oddly enough her BC was nowhere to be found. She had a bag of a few months worth under the sink, unopened that she had gotten from Planned Parenthood. She normally left her BC on the sink or in her purse but nope. I confronted her about it and she swore up and down that she was taking it. She was switching kinds so it's POSSIBLE that it was because of that but I really don't think so. She was a pillhead and I don't doubt she'd have done that. She was very manipulative. She said she was 'childfree' too and never wanted kids and she would get an abortion if she ever did get pregnant but then she couldn't actually do it. I FREAKED OUT. I wanted to give up my rights and send her away but.. men have no rights in that situation. She holds all the cards and you have no choice but to go along with what she wants.
                He was born with ADHD and autism and the first 5-6 years of his life were just.. living hell. I'm introverted and never ever wanted to be a dad. I had this vision of just hating my life and wanting to duct tape the kids and throw them in the closet if I ever did have them. That's not how it goes for most parents most of the time but.. ironically that's how my life ended up. I used to have to restrain him and straddle him and hold him down so he wouldn't hurt us or destroy our apartment. He likes to target the miniblinds in his tantrums. I've probably replaced a dozen of them over the past few years. I do the best I can and try to be a good dad despite all this but I have my own undiagnosed issues I think. He's 9 now. The past couple years have been better. He's mostly just an annoying brat now instead of a fucking pscyho who will latch onto my arm like a rabid dog. He's been in therapy and treatment since he was like 2. He's catching up in school; he goes to a private school for kids like him. I don't dread coming home from work as much as I used to.
                I'm pretty much stuck with his mom because of it and I hate my life. She doesn't work; after she got pregnant instead of being a sexy gym rat she's a damn whale. I never get laid. If It wasn't for him I would have dumped her ten years ago. Probably why she got knocked up. I know kids are no excuse to stay together but she is clean now and our relationship isn't so terrible or anything but this isn't how I want to live my life. I could be with someone who has a job and doesn't look like a cow and own a home but.. instead I'm stuck taking care of them. She has nowhere to go so how do I get out if I wanted to? I dunno. I just kinda shutdown and consume myself with reddit until it's time for bed and then get up and go to a job I hate.
                [–]AshtonKoocher 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
                We were on the fence about having kids. We decided to go ahead. Our son is 2 years old, he has severe down syndrome and will never be able to take care of himself. I work in construction and my wife works in an office. Neither of us have degrees so our future prospects don't look too good. I am scared shitless that another recession will hit and we won't be out of work.
                If we can't work, or if the stock market tanks, we won't be able to save the millions of dollars he might possibly need to live comfortably after we die.
                [–]ofmiceandtits 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
                I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go fuck yourself.
                [–]japanstuff 998 points999 points1000 points x2 (343 children)
                A lot of people saying they don't "regret" having kids, but if they could go back in time and do things differently, they would. To me, that IS regret. And I DO regret having a kid.
                I was in my early thirties, so not a particularly young dad. I had a steady income, and had been with my wife for 5 years. We were already engaged before she got pregnant, but not married.
                I thought I was old enough and mature enough to have children. I thought it was the "right" time. I thought "well, I definitely want kids eventually, so why not have them now, while I'm young(ish)"? I'd heard it was better to be a younger parent, and my wife was already making noises about getting too old to have kids (safely) when she was in her early thirties.
                We now have a three year old boy, and my wife has already said she wants another. I think she's fucking insane. My reaction when people ask whether I want another is: I actually want to go the other way and have FEWER children (i.e. zero) as opposed to more children.
                Of course everyone knows that raising kids is difficult, right? But ultimately, it's rewarding too? So far I've experienced the former, but not the latter. I'd say 95% of the time, it's just stress and hard work. The occasional laugh or smile or positive experience just doesn't make up for the constant and utter stress.
                I don't see the point in being married to my wife any more. We're not spending any quality time together, and that whole "get a baby sitter and have a night out" line of reasoning is fucking bullshit. Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. One night out a month with my wife? That's so kind of you. I feel the whole thing is so fucking contrived and artificial, I'd rather just stay home and drink myself numb.
                Speaking of which, that's all I do now every evening. Sometimes as soon as I get home, because I can't stand coming back to an apartment littered with toys, tissues, stickers, cars, train set pieces, lego bricks, coat hangers, pieces of my wife's jewelry, computer peripherals, books, pens, and fuck knows what else, all of which my son has tossed around as a play-thing.
                I can't stand the constant noise and winging and tantrums and "mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy" until he gets his own way yet again. I've given up trying to discipline him or teach him anything, because it NEVER FUCKING SINKS IN. Yes, yes. He's three years old. I know. But I've met kids of friends the same age who are much, much easier and amenable and compliant. He's a difficult kid. I've tried talking to my mum about it, and all she can say every fucking time is "You were such an easy child". Well, thanks. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn't. If I was an easy child, why didn't I get an easy child?
                I really feel as if the person I married has disappeared forever. I really miss the relationship we had before becoming parents. I don't feel as if raising a child is "challenging yet rewarding" or "difficult but worth it in the long run" or any of those other annoying platitudes other parents sometimes spout.
                I hate myself for being a fucking idiot. I hate myself because this was MY FUCKING choice. I look at my life now, and compare it with what it used to be. Being able to take nice romantic vacations with my wife. Being able to come back to the sanctity of home after a hard day at work. Being able to talk to my wife like a rational human being without being interrupted with a barrage of screams and tears for NO FUCKING reason. A healthy, happy, spontaneous sex life. Dinners at nice restaurants. A clean and peaceful home.
                Yes, we had problems, and life wasn't perfect by any means. But compared to now, it's not even in the same league.
                So, now I just drink, and try to avoid getting angry and smacking my son.
                I worry about stomach and throat cancer, because I'm fucking hammering my body with alcohol, just to escape the negative feelings I'm having every day toward my wife and son.
                I don't want therapy, counseling, or help. And I certainly don't want a baby sitter for one fucking night a week, month or year. I want my old life back. I want to go back in time and change things. But I can't do that, so now all I want is to drink myself to death.
                TLDR: Thought I was ready for the "challenging yet rewarding" experience of child rearing. Am now a nihilistic alcoholic.
                [–]sailthetethys 425 points426 points427 points  (3 children)
                You don't want therapy, counseling, or help. But man, you need them.
                Seriously. I'm not saying that to be a dick. I wish time machines were a thing and that you could go back and undo your choices, but you can't. All you can do is learn to cope with them, in a healthy way, and learn to live your life again without hating what it's become.
                Seeing a therapist is the best thing I ever did. She drug me out of complete despair over the mess I'd made of my life and helped me become a functioning human again. She taught me how to forgive myself and how to handle my problems constructively and how to let go of things that were holding me back without guilt or fear.
                Give it a shot. You don't owe it to your wife or your kid, although Christ knows they'll benefit from it enormously. You owe it to yourself.
                [–]xSleyah 34 points35 points36 points  (1 child)
                I feel like he does owe it to his wife and kid. When you marry you make a vow to support someone through good times and bad, or at least try. And it takes two to tango and make a baby. That child is half his responsibility.
                [–]indano 106 points107 points108 points  (0 children)
                I grew up as that boy. If I could go back and tell my Dad that we could be there for each other one day if we could just hang on, I would. Unfortunately, neither of us can time travel. So get sober and start living the life you chose.
                You can fix this now by doing your part.
                [–]dreadpiratejane 1274 points1275 points1276 points  (60 children)
                You may not want therapy, but you need it. Do you want to devolve into an angry, abusive asshole? This is how it starts. I'm saying this as the product of "parenting" that made it clear that I wasn't wanted-- get help now, or you will fuck your child up for life. I'm 31 years old and I find myself sobbing at the slightest trigger (any imagery involving fathers and their children) because I don't have a dad, just a dude who paid the bills while I was growing up and secretly hated me. I've been in and out of abusive relationships my entire adult life, and had two kids I never planned to have because I capitulated to pressure from their fathers after being trained my whole childhood to bend over backward trying to make the man in my life happy so I could finally deserve love. Your child deserves better. You chose this, now deal with it like a man and get the help you need to regain some semblance of contentment with your life and be the best father and husband you can.
                [–]A_New_Start_For_Me 1003 points1004 points1005 points x2 (67 children)
                You need help dude. You know parenting is a team effort right? You are just like my mother. Parenting wasn't all smiles and cute macaroni pictures like she thought it was going to be when she had me at 35 so she just locked herself in the garage every night with a handle of cheap vodka, some tonic, and a telephone so she could call anyone and everyone who would pick up so she had an excuse to not come back inside. Maybe the house is a mess because you don't help clean it up? Maybe your son is a wild monster because you can't muster up the courage to have a parenting talk with your wife? Do you think she wants this? A horrible child with no discipline?
                I mean, are you really so dull that you didn't realize how much work having a child is? How much Bullshit there is to deal with? Do you really think becoming an alcoholic is the solution to this? I'm 23 now, and my mother is 60 and is dying of late stage cirrhosis, caused by that handle of vodka. I've been ready for her to die since I was a child because she is such a miserable narcissistic piece of crap. Do you think your kid deserves this life? What did a toddler ever do to deserve that? Do you think your wife deserves to be a solo parent taking care of her useless alcoholic husband? That's abuse, when you really think about it.
                To put two people who never asked for your selfish Bullshit through the worst of alcoholism is a fucking joke and if that's how you want it to be and you don't want therapy and you don't want help because you'd rather be a miserable shell of a man rather than take control of your life and do the right thing then just do yourself the favor of divorcing your wife right now and let her find someone who actually wants to be with her and actually wants to raise a child with her.
                To the people saying that this man's response was the only "real" answer in the thread, screw you and don't enable behavior that is going to literally ruin this poor toddlers life. Alcoholism is devastating and it's not excusable just because someone says life is Oh so hard and things didn't turn out the way they dreamed. I realize this has become quite the rant that probably nobody wants to listen to but nobody deserves to be put through what me and my father went through because of my mother.
                [–]mcon87 324 points325 points326 points  (7 children)
                Fucking thank you. I was reading his response and all I could think of is what a selfish fucking asshole he's being. "Parenting is hard because my THREE YEAR OLD doesn't listen! I never spend time with my wife, even though I apparently don't even want to TRY spending one night a week out with her! My apartment that I'm lucky enough to live in is messy and it makes me sad! I don't want therapy, I'd rather just drink myself to death!" JFC dude.
                "One night out a month with my wife? That's so kind of you. I feel the whole thing is so fucking contrived and artificial, I'd rather just stay home and drink myself numb." So instead of a little bit of time with her, he'd rather spend NO time while simultaneously ruining his relationship with both her and his kid.
                Dude, that's your choice. If you'd rather get drunk than spend time with your wife, great, go for it. And then stop fucking whinging about how you never have any time with her.
                "If I was an easy child, why didn't I get an easy child?" Are you serious? Are you a fucking five year old? New flash: life isn't fair! Did you honestly make it to your 30s without learning that? Kids do not come with any guarantees. You could have gotten a child with serious mental or physical disabilities as well. Maybe instead of whinging about how messy your house is, be grateful that your kid is healthy enough to make a mess, or cry, or challenge your authority.
                I have 2 kids- one of whom has a developmental disorder- absolutely no disposable income, and no family to watch them. Do you know what I would fucking GIVE to have ONE night out a month with my husband? But we can't, so you know what we do? We make sure that every week or so we get some cheap snacks, a cheap bottle of wine, and we watch a movie on netflix or online. But apparently he'd rather just give up because whines parenting is haaaaaard.
                I seriously hope he stops being such a selfish, whiny manchild and gets some therapy to deal with his obvious depression, or his wife saves herself and the kid and gets the fuck away from this toxic douche.
                EDIT: and now I get to google "how to clean crayon off of an LED screen", because that's what was happening while I was typing this. OMFG I HATE MY LIFE KIDS SUCK I SHOULD GO GET DRUNK INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH THIS
                EDIT2: The answer is WD-40, in case anyone else needs this information.
                [–]Baltische_Auge 37 points38 points39 points  (0 children)
                Thank you for seeing the bullshit in this post. Seriously, I was the kid in this situation.
                [–]Zamorak 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
                WD-40 is the answer to just about anything
                [–]Allysonanonymous11 193 points194 points195 points  (4 children)
                I love how there's people telling you not to judge him because he's being honest! Lol, is the sanctity of this 'honest' thread really more important to everyone than the real live toddler whose father had already abandoned him for a case of beer at the age of three? I think not. And I applaud you for speaking your mind. Even if OP doesn't give a shit what you said, at least you said it. Honestly, if he's truly this miserable he should bail the fuck out and pay child support because having no dad is better than having a drunk dad who hates you.
                [–]VackraDrom 81 points82 points83 points  (0 children)
                Go see a counselor or therapist. You say you don't want to, but what you do want (your old life back) is impossible. A therapist will help you grieve for your old life and find ways to survive in this new life--maybe even find some happiness.
                [–]Elijahs-Wood 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
                Seriously even if you don't talk to a therapist at least talk to your wife. Literally tell her how you're feeling and open up to her. Put the kid to bed and sit her down for a talk, it needs to happen now. You really don't want to become "that alcoholic father" do you? Your son definitely doesn't want that, he might not understand it now but he'll grow up watching everything you do and end up mimicking it.
                Get some help. You and your family deserve a stable lifestyle.
                [–]ajmartini37 387 points388 points389 points  (8 children)
                Your poor wife. While you're having a pity party, she is most likely hiding behind the bathroom door sobbing because she is basically parenting alone. Divorce already so she can have the opportunity to meet someone with bigger balls!
                [–]technoqueen522 143 points144 points145 points  (0 children)
                If you listen to anything on here listen to this. Seriously, you're more than welcome to go drink your life away, just don't ruin two other lives in the process.
                [–]kidcommon 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
                Yes, this. Your kid deserves better than an alcoholic dad who hates him. Divorce your wife and maybe he will get a real father figure.
                [–]kyak12 170 points171 points172 points  (4 children)
                Get the fuck off the booze, it achieves nothing positive.
                [–]ATX5 64 points65 points66 points  (2 children)
                That sounds brutal. If you ever decide you want to kill the booze before it kills you though, you might find /r/stopdrinking useful.
                [–]iforgotmyname22 49 points50 points51 points  (1 child)
                it sounds like you're on the edge of a breakdown. If you read through this thread, you'll see that the worst stories are from people with small kids needing space. Some people have easy kids, but those of us with tough ones tend to blame ourselves or not understand why others have it so easy. As the kid gets older you'll find it slowly easier and easier to deal. Try to find ways to get the space you need, even if it's alone. Right now you're doing it with alcohol, and you're not doing anyone a favor.
                [–]I_Am_Ironman_AMA 111 points112 points113 points  (11 children)
                Mother nature doesn't care about your marriage. It's that simple.
                Having said that, please try to work on your drinking. Slow death by alcohol is awful and you deserve much better than that.
                [–]libraryspy 77 points78 points79 points  (1 child)
                You're in denial. You're avoiding. You will never feel better until you accept that this is your shitty life now. That the toys will not go away. Your ife will not come back. You're playing the victim card and drowning in self pity because thats better than accepting the truth. You're not properly mourning what you lost because you haven't let it go yet.
                Therapy can help. AA can help. Once you've accepted your situation, THEN you can man up and decide if you want to change it. Divorce or getting a housekeeper or day care or a different job or a mistress.
                But you can't get there until you face the pain of what you've lost. It's gone.
                [–]alternutz 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
                It's bizarre how much I love my kid and yet if I could go back I'd never even answer her mom's email. We were mid-divorce when we decided to attempt reconciliation. We had a drunk hookup and now we're trying to figure out how to live with each other. She went full religious and I'm still the same "militant atheist" I always have been. We're 100% incompatible but the thought of a divorce is terrifying.
                [–]Mathiasb4u 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
                They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as fuck all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.
                [–]_PM_ME_CONFESSIONS_ 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
                I was ready, or so I thought. However my wife was not. After delivering she sank into post-partum depression and I was the only one doing things for the first year. She's never done as much as me, and always has an excuse. I have lost all my friends because I have all the problems of a single parent and I still have to earn enough to support my wife and kid.
                Oh I didn't mention she does the bare minimum at home AND has no job or income? Well that is the case. I have a good paying job to facilitate this, but I hate it.
                So why don't I get a divorce? Because I don't want to share my kid. She (for some inscrutable reason) would fight me for custody, plus since we've been married over a decade , she'd also be entitled to alimony. Forever. So I'd give up seeing my kid every day and over half my income. It just isn't worth the deal. Sex stopped being important to me years ago and I already decided that if I ever find myself single again, I will NEVER get married again.
                Long story short folks, don't marry someone who isn't capable of moving past the "me first" phase of their life. And if you are one of those people, please don't have kids.
                [–]Puffinz420 58 points59 points60 points  (18 children)
                Mother of a 19 month old here... I so get this... I'm worn out and beat down by my life. I'm a single mother. If it weren't for my mom footing almost every bill in my life, my daughter and I would be homeless and starving. The basic facts: I can't work because child care is $400 a week and I can't find a job that will make 400 a week do able (working to put my kid in daycare and nothing else) getting a job would deem me ineligible for cash assistance and food stamps ($1200/mo income limit) and the state wouldn't pay my childcare so I couldn't continue going to college full time. The $569 in cash I get from welfare is immediately gone paying CC bills and regular bills (usually left with a negative balance my poor mother fills in the gaps) however I will say my food stamps are enough to get us through the month. I feel so stuck in my cycle I'm in. I try so hard to get a "good" job, but Despite experience and education nobody thinks I'm good enough to answer phones for more that $16 an hour. In the silicone valley that's the lowest livable wage. TLDR: I'm fucking broke!
                [–]kitsandkats 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
                I don't understand why this post is downvoted, it answers the question.
                [–]funchy 15 points16 points17 points  (4 children)
                I don't regret it completely. But it is not the glowing contentment some would lead you to believe. I don't look forward to tucking her in night cause by then I'm beyond exhausted and have already read her her favorite book 20 x today. Shes 2 now and it's more like wrangling a monkey 24-7. Even the happiest monkey wranglers need a day off. Dont get me wrong: I love and respect her. But kids are not rational and reasonable.
                I might feel better about it if our society recognized raising a child as worthwhile use of time. I choose to stay at home rather than let a daycare raise my child. I'm frequently asked when I'm going to "look for work". I know some of my friends look down on me because I'm putting family ahead of a slightly higher income. Some people think it's funny to joke with me how I don't have to "go to work" and how I enjoy "so much free time".
                if you go out in public, expect someone to have a rude comment or sneer no matter what parenting style you use to solve a problem. Be prepared to hear that no matter what you do, you're not parenting right.
                expect not to be promoted or hired if you're female with a pregnancy or young children. Maybe it's not legal but labor laws being what they are, employers don't care. Miss too many of work due to a sick child and you may end up unemployed.
                We are a lot worse off financially than some would have you believe. And this is a planned healthy pregnancy and us having money in the bank first. I wish the stupid parenting blogs would stop saying kids aren't that expensive. Do you know that daycare costs more than state college tuition in many parts of the country?
                So, having kids is great -- if you want to work 7 days a week, be short on sleep, not be appreciated, be BROKE, and have strangers making judgments.
                [–]UrbanEcologist 33 points34 points35 points  (1 child)
                Had kids before I was ready. All I can do now is raise decent human beings because the world really does need honest and goodwilling people. It's difficult, but there is no reason to regret trying to make the world a better place by raising kids to do good in the world.
                [–]JBWeldJoke_EatShit 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
                My wife really wanted a child, I was very neutral on the subject. Now that she's gone, I'm sole caretaker and that took some adjustments. Nobody's perfect, but my daughter is turning out somewhat okay so far. Some days I know I could do it better alone and find myself daydreaming about how wonderful it would be...I kinda have to snap myself out of that loop.
                Now my girlfriend's daughter? Oof.
                Definitely an example of why you should love your kids, but avoid making them the center of your universe.
                [–]williamsaysthat 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
                Step dad here. Came into mines life at 9 months. She's 6 now. I hate being responsible for the training of a future adult. I hate so much about parenting. I'm very fond of the kiddo but it makes me unhappy. I had to change my life and my career goals. Before entering into this relationship I was intending to work as a private security contractor once I left the army. Because it's a high risk job I've had to adjust my sights and am an accountant. I'm a very violent person at heart and I know my life's calling. I've had to sacrifice my life goals to be a steady parent, it's hard to look at this kid and blame on them, she didn't ask me to change my life but I saw that I was needed in the child's life and I can't disregard that need. It fucking sucks and it's not worth it but this is the decision I made. No more late nights out drinking, no more sleeping during the day, no more just taking off for a few days, every thing I do I have to think of the kiddos welfare.
                [–]Crazy_Wulf 22 points23 points24 points  (0 children)
                I am an unfit parent. I have aspergers along with several other issues so if something happened to my wife I would have to find someone else to take care of them
                [–]Smitedyourmum 40 points41 points42 points  (14 children)
                They became like me
                [–]hiircine[S] 16 points17 points18 points  (12 children)
                Can you explain more?
                [+][deleted]  (11 children)
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                  [–][deleted]  (3 children)
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                    [–]gr8grafx 13 points14 points15 points  (2 children)
                    I"m sure by now, my comment will be lost, but here goes.
                    My kids are the worst thing that every happened to me. And the best.
                    I have three kids, 8, 16, and 18.
                    The #3, at 2, got a blood disorder and we spent many months in Children's Hospital. Were it not for the ACA kicking in for kids a year early, we'd have gone bankrupt.
                    Child #2, at 12, became depressed and suicidal. Prior to that, she'd be been the "easy" kid who had tons of friends, was smart, talented and easy going. We've spent 4 years in family based therapy and in and out of mental health hospitals.
                    Child #1 was different from the day he was born. No one believed me because I was a new mom and didn't know anything. Trust me. He was different. After NUMEROUS rounds of therapy--including one where the therapist said I secretly hated my son because I secrectly hated my father--I discovered he had Aspergers. Elementary school and middle school were Hell with various phone calls to and from the school. In High School things slightly better and began "growing into himself." He also started getting REALLLLLY thirsty and REALLLY hungry. And congrats, you have Type 1 diabetes!
                    In all of this, my husband got laid off during the Recession, right when the baby got sick. Hasn't worked since, so I'm the sole breadwinner.
                    Needless to say, this isn't what I imagined being a parent would be like.
                    But as I said earlier, they are also the best thing that every happened to me.
                    I can see now, that without them, I would be a very different person. Probably a pretty lonely, unloved person. My kids have made me a much better person. I'm very introverted and I doubt that I'd have come out of my shell the way I have.
                    Believe it or not, I doubt my husband and I would still be married if we didn't have kids. I just think we would have gotten very wrapped up in our careers and likely drifted apart.
                    I've become more empathetic to others misfortunes. I know that good parents are flawed people who do they best that they can every single day.
                    I know that I'm ultimately raising good kids who will hopefully look back on all of this and realize that they are better people for their struggles.
                    My 8 yo wants to be a nurse because she remembers the nurses who helped her when she was in the hospital-- and because of seeing her brother deal with diabetes.
                    My 16 yo is studying to be a vet tech and is awesome with animals. She's very sensitive and I could see her doing something with animal therapy.
                    My 18 yo is studying to be a welder and is super creative-- writing, drawing, inventing.
                    It's a tough answer because what I regret is what we've had to go thru. But yet, going thru all of that has made us, ultimately, better people.
                    [–]coxian_1 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
                    Throw away because my wife knows my real account.
                    I didn't want the screaming child in the first place. I made it clear to my wife that I would bankroll the entire abortion process. Our daughter was definitely conceived as an attempt to keep our relationship going. I had already decided I was done, moved out, blocked her from every facet of my life, and made it clear she should never contact me again. Our last fling (which ended in a fight) clearly had some sort of tampering because a month and a half later, I got an email saying she was pregnant and it was definitely mine.
                    I hadn't married her at this point. We got married so she and the baby would have insurance.
                    She is living in a fantasy world where I don't hate her. At least she was until very recently. I had to tell our therapist I couldn't stay around her or I would kill her. No doubt about it. I'm very aware of how violent I can be, having a checkered past, and my wife pushes and pushes by insulting me, flinging water and pans at me, and being so god damned pushy about telling me every little thing on her mind.
                    Now the baby will not accept anyone but her, and I am stuck with a screaming fucking child and the mental stability equivalent to a house of straw.
                    I never understood the trope of a father walking out until now. I literally might disappear because if I stay with this screaming child and constantly pushing wife, I will kill someone. Be it her, the child, or myself. I will snap.
                    As an aside, I'm committing myself to mental inpatient care next week. It's better than killing someone.
                    [–]BronanTheDestroyer 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
                    I really don't like kids. I love my kids, but God damn they are hard to deal with. My oldest is hitting puberty, and he is moody all the time. My middle is still in a verbal diarrhea stage where he feels the need to comment on everything trying to be funny. And my 4 year old... I hate dealing with spoiled irrational bull shit, and that is what you get from 4 year olds.
                    What sucks is that I love them all. They are pretty good kids. I just have so little in common and share no interests. Add in that all I want is time to myself and all my wife wants is more time "as a family" and I am pretty sure I'm heading for an early grave.
                    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
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                      [–]cerrebro 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
                      I just wasn't ready. I was only 20 when she was born. I was in the middle of uni and I just wasn't ready to be responsible for something so important.
                      I wanted to go travelling before starting my career but that won't happen. I'm just about to finish my masters degree and I'm going to have to go straight into a high stress job to be able to have some form of financial stability to provide for her and be able to move into a decent area so she can go to a decent school.
                      I'm on placement atm, I leave at 6am and get back at 7pm. If my gf hasn't managed to get her to sleep before I get back, she won't sleep till 10pm cos she fucks about for me and refuses to sleep. Once I've got her to sleep, I then have to attempt to do some of my dissertation and apply for jobs.
                      I just want one day where I can stay in bed and chill like I used to... I don't hate being a parent, I just wish I could've waited like 10 years.
                      And forget about ever getting sex... My gf decided co-sleeping was a good idea so I've not had any form of intimate contact for like 6 months now. And before it stopped completely, it happened extremely rarely. I've gone from having sex like 4 times a week to 0 times in 6 months.
                      [–]Lejundary 4 points5 points6 points  (4 children)
                      I will start by saying I never wanted kids. I was married at 20, had my first kid by 21, second kid by 22. First kid is out on his own.. And let me tell you his 18th birthday couldn't come fast enough so he could move out. Second kid is moderately to severely affected by autism. She will never hold a job or live on her own. I never got to enjoy my 20's or 30's. I never will be able to take the amazing vacations that my friends all plaster Facebook with. I will never have free time with my husband because no one wants to watch an autistic low functioning 20 year old. Hell, there's not even leaving her at home alone for a few hours to go shopping or watch a movie or anything. My husband had to quit his job to become a stay at home dad for her because there are no decent services for adults with autism. We had to move away from friends and family just to find a decent school for her. Kids take so much time and money and energy. Having a disabled one is even more physically and mentally draining. I love my children. More than I can ever express. They never asked to be brought into this world. I have an obligation to care for my daughter because no one else will. There will never be an end for us as far as "raising" our kid then having her leave home so we can live our lives. I do become sad about missing out on things. Adventures and trips and vacations. But we modify our plans to include her. We are lucky because our daughter is sweet and a lovely girl. I can't even imagine how hard life is for her. I at least am able to make my own choices, have friends, and work and love. These things are probably not going to available to her. So I guess I don't really regret having kids, I regret having a child who has to live every day with autism. For her, not me.
                      [–][deleted]  (2 children)
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                        [–]spawnrundie 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
                        Here's a harsh truth. (By and large) You will love your kids and be protective of them from the moment you see them. Whether thus is Mother Nature or something bigger, I don't know. Your kids will be individuals in that you will not be able to apply the same parenting to each of them. They are people and will have their own flaws and fears and strengths. You will like more than others. Like other people in your life, you will dislike them at times and will need space from them but that is tricky. And if you like kids, that's a good start but they only are kids for a few years and once they hit school, those rules of institutions and friendships really mold your kid. So. When you ask a parent if you would have kids again, they are not thinking of Kids, like some random unknown like a childless person would. I have already meet my kids. I have three girls in various stages of aging. They are wacky and infuriating and ungrateful and money sucking and creative and extremely funny. And they gave my slacker life some direction, responsibility and tons of love and a renewed passion for things I love. But, sometimes, when I am stressed and overwhelmed, and I go for a drive,by myself, with the music cranked, I imagine going back in time and whispering to myself not to do it, walk away from that hot dude at the bar, put a condom on...because having children will change you. It will take some sacrifices on you as "John" or "Jane", you will be someone's Mom or Dad for the rest of your life, and you will have times you will regret it. It is not for the faint of heart. But your life will not stop and the love you get from your kids and the love you feel for them is life.
                        [–]SqueezeTheShamansTit 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
                        You love them too much. You're constantly worried about what may or may not happen to them, and I would love to go back in time and be carefree.
                        [–]kash51 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
                        It wasn't something I ever wanted and my ex knew this and yet now I'm the father of 2 and I divorced my ex as soon as she told me she was pregnant again.
                        I loved her so I believed her that her birth control didn't work the first time due to antibiotics and being a young idiot. The second pregnancy and I was gone.
                        Love my two kids to death but to me it's like having a very expensive car payment for a car I don't want to drive but one I'm supposed to love to drive.
                        [–]Sensoh8su 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
                        I just miss the ability to go anywhere, anytime without the need to plan to take the kid or get a sitter. If you do plan to take the kid, there are many considerations to be made and many bags to pack before you can even consider heading out.
                        I can not tell you the number of times that we have had to change where we were going to eat based on how the boy was behaving or whether he would eat something there. We could always pack him something different, but that is just another bag to carry and more work for us.
                        Something else to consider. If you have a hobby that requires your attention, be prepared to not do that anymore. Television and tablets are not babysitters. You have to pay attention and interact with your kids. That means you have to put anything that you want to do on hold until he goes to bed or maybe goes to spend some time with Nana.
                        I know this sounds selfish, and that's because it is. I just miss my life.
                        [–]trilliana161 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
                        I never wanted kids. I knew nothing about how to raise them and did most of it myself (ex worked and almost never helped me). I was pushed into having them by my now ex husband. And while he will never see or understand that he was abusive, he is happy that I left the kids with him.
                        [–]Wstbnd 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                        Three words: Pervasive developmental delay...
                        Those three words call my entire existence into question. I basically brought someone into this world to have a shitty time.
                        [–]Evrythngstkn 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
                        I have 3 kids and quite frequently wish I had 0. I never wanted kids and knew I wanted more from my life than dirty diapers and minivans. I was ok with the first 2 but the 3rd really made me question everything again. This is not what I want to be doing with my life. I had my kids at such a young age (15, 19, 24 ) that I don't stand a chance at doing anything significant with my life other than saying hey I raised 3 more humans. Your welcome. What an accomplishment.
                        [–][deleted]  (1 child)
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                            [–]hollihoo 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
                            I regret having my son because of my mental illness. Not only does it make parenting a hundred times harder, I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that my kid may inherit it. It's something I would never wish upon anyone, yet I unknowingly did it to the person I love most in the world (I wasn't diagnosed until he was 3.)
                            There are days where I can hardly take care of myself, and sometimes I'm resentful that I have to take care of him first. Thankfully I've been on meds/in therapy for a few years now and those days don't happen often, but it was so much harder when he was younger and needed me more.
                            I love him more than words can express and he's my favorite person in the world. As backwards as it seems, that's exactly why I regret it sometimes.
                            [–]Jaggedrain 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
                            I'm pretty sure I'm a bad mother. I mean, I'm bad with kids in general, but sometimes I just don't understand how my son's mind works. I'm trying my best but I'm terribly afraid that I'm raising an asshole who's never going to get along with people and it will basically be my fault.
                            I also regret having him (even though I love him so much it physically hurts sometimes) because if I'd never had him, I never would have needed to answer the question "Why doesn't my dad ever come to visit" or the accompanying "what is my dad's name/what does he look like/what does he do". Or hear the stories he makes up about his dad. You know the ones I mean if you've ever had or known or been a child with an absent father.
                            [–]jwalker524 2 points3 points4 points  (4 children)
                            Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'm a shit father, and that I'm fucking him up somehow. He doesn't live with me, and thank goodness his stepdad is a good man, but he is here a lot and I'm pretty sure I have 0 clue what I'm doing.
                            [–]lujanr32 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
                            I admire your honesty.
                            [–]jwalker524 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
                            Thanks. I do my best, honestly, I do, but I just don't really have a knack for it, I don't think, and with all my health/mental health issues, and several other reasons, I just kind of think he would be better off in the long run if I wasn't in the picture. That would make me sad, because I do love him, and it would make him sad too, but I think he would get over it eventually and be better off if I wasn't dragging him down.... I might be wrong, but at least that is the way it feels.
                            [–]lc2j1 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                            I'm sorry you feel that way. If you think this way though, you're clearly not a bad father because you realize you could do things differently/better. As long as you love him and let him know that, I'm sure you're not fucking him up.
                            [–]Hatmadeofpoo 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                            29 years old and I have two kids. I don't regret having either of them but one thing I seriously miss is myself. I feel like if 24 yr old me could travel to the future and just watch, I would be virtually unrecognizable to him.
                            Every one gets so wrapped up in being mom and dad they forget to be who they are. We are very fortunate to have supporting family member on both sides who will regularly take the kids over night. But man I missing just doing me and not feeling guilty about it. My wife handles being mom much better than I do being dad.
                            [–]OnehundredpercentNo 2 points3 points4 points  (12 children)
                            Me....26 .....gf pregnant when 18....stayed together. Got married. Raised kids healthy and happy. Bought house. Make 70k a year........wishes i didnt have to make so much money for house/wife/kids. Missed out on my "party/university" years. Am exhausted daily shit stressful job i NEED. All i really wanna do is smoke weed/drink and read comics/play video games. No time/money/always exhausted. Life is just slowly passing me by as my friends go off and do big things (one buddy is a rapper who wants me to go on tour with him. Ha. Yah right)
                            [–]billbixbyakahulk 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
                            If it makes you feel better, it's 12:45 PM. I've been sitting on the couch since 9 on Reddit. But that's because I'm a little off from playing Borderlands 2 till 3am on my 100" home theater. Oh, and I'm eating some frozen lasagna out of tupperware because all the rest of my dishes are dirty. But I did wash a spoon (I'm out of plastic ware).
                            [–]OnehundredpercentNo [score hidden]  (1 child)
                            Ha! I somewhat envy you
                            [–]billbixbyakahulk [score hidden]  (0 children)
                            Sometimes, though, I feel, you know, like empty. Like, maybe I need someone or something in my life? And-- Ooh a steamsale! Catch ya later bro.
                            [–]deathbymidget -1 points0 points1 point  (8 children)
                            You make 70k and say you have no money? Maybe dial it down a bit, people raise families totally fine on far less!
                            [–]OnehundredpercentNo 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
                            Not "no money" just not much. it just gets used up on kids sports etc. Could make 20k a year and just support myself.
                            [–]krispy123111 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
                            This right here is why I don't want kids. Think of qhere you could be with 70k a year on just you and the gf
                            [–]gamemachine6 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
                            You're not wrong. Me and my partner make just over 100 between us and we've got two international vacations planned in the next year with no money concerns.
                            No kids, no desire for. Just got the snip this week, actually
                            [–]author123cosmos 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                            Congrats! Mid 20's and thinking about doing the same soon. Don't want any accidents happening and then have to push her down the stairs. Terrible joke! Backroom abortions are horrendous.
                            [–]Xaxxus 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                            depends where you live. Where I live, the average house is nearly 1 million dollars, and rent is nearly the cost of a 500k mortgage if you want to live in a neighbourhood where you wont get shot.
                            My 50k salary is JUST enough to get by.
                            [–]themannamedme 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
                            Hell i make 300k after everything(bills,taxes,businesses expinces ,etc)and still do not have enough money
                            [–]author123cosmos 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
                            Wtf do you spend your money on? Seriously man, how is 300k after expenses not enough?
                            [–]themannamedme 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                            I am way to greedy.
                            [–]DirtyThi3f 2 points3 points4 points  (6 children)
                            Well this is the most depressing thread I've read all day.
                            [–]MrBrian1987 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
                            Makes me glad I broke up with the woman who wanted to get married and start popping out kids
                            [–]DirtyThi3f 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                            I'm more sad that people are having such a different experience than I am.
                            [–]applestem 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
                            You're only seeing the ones who are struggling. Having kids is hard work, but so is having such a close relationship with anyone. Then there's the responsibility.
                            Now that they are wonderful young adults at 27 and 29, there are days I miss immensely when they were little.
                            [–]DirtyThi3f 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
                            Oh I know. 2 year old here. Couldn't imagine not having him in our lives. Balancing that, my work, and my other relations is not easy and man … I'm tired. But seeing the world through my sons eyes is the best gift I've ever had. Worried about not spending time with him in the future has also made me finally make some important lifestyle changes.
                            [–]friendsafariguy11 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
                            Read "two year old here" and imagined a toddler tapping away at a keyboard. 😆
                            [–]DirtyThi3f [score hidden]  (0 children)
                            He's very advanced lol
                            [–]BredforChaos 2 points3 points4 points  (6 children)
                            I have four between the ages of 3 and 9. The first 3 were the product of being super young and in an abusive relationship with an older guy (I was 16 and he was 23). I've been in a healthy relationship and shared a fourth child with a man who I believe is my soul mate. Since the pregnancy with the third child I have not had contact with the first partner.
                            I love the little mongrels more than anything on this planet but I regret creating my older children with that waste of oxygen. Me and my SO work our ever-loving asses off to support our family. We live paycheck to paycheck, and besides the financial burden I still feel guilt that maybe I trapped him into supporting my other children, even though it was his choice to stay. If I could go back, and make different choices... And do it all over again, with him and guarantee I could have the same kids in five years from now I would.
                            [–]themannamedme -2 points-1 points0 points  (5 children)
                            Get rid of the older 2,you don't need them.
                            [–]BredforChaos 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
                            It would probably help with the finances but they're pretty cool so i think I'll keep them around for at least 10 more years.
                            [–]themannamedme -1 points0 points1 point  (3 children)
                            Keep telling you self that,your finances are way more important then your kids
                            [–]BredforChaos 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
                            Funny because I never once said that to myself or otherwise. Finances are important as hell for making sure kids have all they need/want. These kids would be happy living in a shed if it meant we could all be together. I just wish I could give them more right now. I'm lucky to have two paid off vehicles but if I could've waited to have kids until I owned a house or was buying one and some money saved up it wouldn't be so hard.
                            [–]themannamedme 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
                            Take it from me,a kid who grew up poor enough to live in a shed,no your kids will not be happy living in a shed.
                            [–]BredforChaos 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                            I've been on my own since I was 15 and have worked hard to get where I am now. No money doesn't mean everything nor buy happiness but, being a pretty damn poor kid myself, I don't want my kids to have to live like that... If I could quit work, do my job as just a hobby that it started out as and spend all of my free time with my family that would be the dream.
                            [–]AssRaptorMasta 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                            I just had my second kid with a different woman than the first. She is unwilling to get along after numerous attempts of me trying to talk to her about Coparenting and being adults. She is a little over 3 weeks old today and as of so far, the only time I have even seen her is through Facebook pictures. It really sucks. I'm having to establish paternity to then be able to establish rights/vistation. ... all while trying to get my life back on track to have the awesome career I once had ( former drug user). Having to go through all this in order to try to do the right thing by my kid (I do believe she is mine) fucking blows. It really makes me want to have a vasectomy so that I don't have to go through anything like this again.
                            [–]Idontreadrepliesnoob 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
                            I regret it because how can I advise her not to ruin her own life by having kids some day without breaking her heart?
                            [–]dendaddy 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                            For all those parents who are feeling frustrated it gets better. My wife and I had our kids young. My youngest is 20 and let me tell you it's great. We now get to do all those things we put off. The difference I think is we can enjoy them more.
                            [–][deleted]  (1 child)
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                              [–]endersendgame 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                              I love my kids but I don't like being a mom, if that makes sense? It's not the changing diapers/wiping butts part, or the drooling/snotty/crying/screaming part (those years are mostly behind me thankfully) but it's that kids are just so demanding. It's their nature. They cannot do most things for themselves, so it's my job as a mom to teach them. It's mentally draining and often physically taxing.
                              The truth is that when my husband and I were married 9 years ago we agreed to start trying for kids right away because my grandparents were elderly and I really wanted to give them great-grandkids. I also really wanted to experience being pregnant. Being pregnant was awesome! I loved everything about it, even getting bigger. But once the kids were here, I was miserable. It wasn't too bad at first, because my son was an easy baby, but his little sister was an awful, colicky infant. Once she started to outgrow that behavior, my son turned 3 - and if anyone has ever told you that the terrible twos are nothing compared to age three, BELIEVE THEM.
                              We still travel like we always have, but our trips center around kid-friendly activities. We still go out to eat, but our nights are either made more expensive by the use of a sitter or they are spent convincing our kids to just eat the goddamn chicken.
                              I am just... tired. I let the kids have access to electronics way more than I should just to get a break. It doesn't help that I am a SAHM and the kids have been home for the last 7-8 weeks. I am not a people person so planning playdates is more hassle than it's worth for me, and to be honest if I don't want my own kids around much why would I want to be around anyone else's?
                              I miss having my husband to myself. He agrees that we should have waited to have kids, and he does get frustrated with them, but he loves being a dad. He is somewhat aware that I feel I should never have been a mom... but I haven't brought it up in a few years because really, it doesn't help things.
                              Luckily, kids grow up. My daughter will be in college in 12 years - which might not sound like a lot, but it's better than nothing. Both my husband and I strongly feel that kids should be made to be independent as soon as possible so barring a serious unforeseen circumstance once they are out of the house, they are out for good. I am young, so I might be able to enjoy more than half my life with my husband in a quiet home... while I quietly encourage both my kids to really weigh the pros and cons of having kids.
                              [–]v_krishna 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
                              Not so much having kids, but definitely having them with the person I had them with. We were together for under a year, actively being raging drug-addicts together. She got pregnant, we both got "clean" (methadone). Moved across country (Michigan to Florida) to live near her mom when our older daughter was born, things were OK but just barely. Moved across country again (Florida to California) for work for me and because I would never want to raise my kids in Florida. She got pregnant again around the same time. By now I was off methadone and staying clean, she was still on methadone and occasionally taking benzos again. After 2nd daughter was born, things went to shit precipitated by her going on a binge. She went back to Florida for a while, I visited the kids, and then decided some months into it to try things in California again. That very quickly fell apart, we broke up, she started using again and that started a 2 year long custody battle (including her fleeing with the kids to Missouri and having to be tracked down by the DA, her temporarily losing custody and having to do supervised visits after numerous times filing false DCFS reports and withholding the kids from me, and eventually the supervised visits ending after numerous problems and her permanently losing custody). Last I heard from her mom she's a homeless crackhead wandering the streets of Oakland, I guess she keeps getting arrested after being badly jumped by other homeless people for stealing so her mom hears about it from time to time. She hasn't seen or spoken to her kids in a year. And I live constantly worried that we'll run into her on the street somewhere (we live elsewhere in the east bay but go to Oakland and SF a lot, sometimes around places where she might hang out/live).
                              My kids are almost 6 and 4, really happy smart little girls (the older one is starting kindergarten this month). I've been together with another woman for 2.5 years now, she has an 8 year old son who lives with us half the time (with his dad the other half). My daughters have a lot of love in their life, and have many examples of different types of families making it work, so I'm hopeful about their attitudes towards family as they grow older. But there's no way losing your mother can't impact young girls, esp through something like drug addiction and mental illness that they can't even begin to understand.
                              [–]rollouttheredcarpet 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                              Late to the party but hey ho.
                              I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.
                              But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling tat things are now easier without her.
                              [–]Trentdonaldcorgan [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              Late but I'll post anyway. I had my son 3 months after I graduated high school and started a full time job. He is now 4 and I also have a 6 month old boy. I love my sons more than anyone on earth, and there are lots of good moments. But it has been extremely painful giving up my youth. I rarely speak to any of my close friends from highschool. They all slowly stopped coming around/inviting me to things. I have watched them travel, go to college, party, form successful Rock bands, do amazing things. All while me and my wife, broke as fuck, desperately try to make ends meet while not killing eachother. Making friends has never been easy for me. And I'm 99% I will never have that brotherhood and camaraderie again. I have no other friends, my relationships with my sister (who I was always very close with) and parents have become awkward and stagnant. I make decent money now. But by the time the bills are paid and everything else is taken care of, there isn't much to have fun with, so I never get to spend money on my hobbies or anything else I want. And to top it off, my marriage is a sham, but there's no way I will ever end it because I can't bear the thought of doing that to my sons. Also I'm pretty sure she would fuck me over when it comes to custody. So yeah. I spend quite a lot of time fantasizing about going back and doing things diffently. Being a young, single, Ambitious 22 year old that lives at home with a good job and a shit ton of disposable income sounds pretty fucking good right about now. Fuck.
                              [–]sandytoessaltwater [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              Yeah as a 40 year old male I look back at my self when I was 18 and swore I'd never have children. That me was correct. I did t want children. I've had three all girls. They are 18,19 and 20 now. I spent countless hours with them playing vacationing spent nearly all our money on them. Now only one partially shows any love toward me. This is what I get? For busting my ass? For pouring my heart and soul out to have children? I love my children very much. But it truly was not worth all that I sacrificed. There were some fun times and I do have memories and I guess at the end of your life that's really all its about. Yeah I could die with out those memories.
                              [–]joepaulpavlin [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              Have a 7 year old little girl I love. I regret it because I am not parent material, my language gets fouler every year I am alive, I am a cynical prick who is reclusive. I think everyone and everything is wrong and stupid. Being raised by me is probably better than being raised by a heroin addict but it certainly isn't peachy. I regret it because she is fantastic, like just awesome and I am a literal PoS.
                              [–]x3Fast5u [score hidden]  (1 child)
                              As a teen reading these... I feel a pit in my stomach...
                              [–]nurupodagananika [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              You should.
                              Go home and hug your parents and say thank you, you ungrateful bastard.
                              They sacrificed more for you than you can possibly even imagine.
                              [–]Michelle_Lynn2016 5 points6 points7 points  (9 children)
                              I absolutely love my son, but it's always been hard. I'm 44, and got pregnant at 34. My fiancé left me when I was 5 months pregnant and was involved until he met his current wife when my son was 4 years old. My son is almost 10 now and some days it's good and some days it's freaking unbearable.
                              I hate feeling like I resent my child because he limits my ability to have a life. I haven't dated a man longer than 5 months in 9 years. Partly because my son and I are a unit and as much as he wants a "dad" he gets really over the top with his behavior if there's even a hint that I'm dating someone. And partly because I have developed very strong survival skills (independence) that guys don't feel needed.
                              I take every opportunity I can to do things without my son. I'll hire a sitter or send him to my moms every school break and 3 weeks in Summer. I feel really bad that I don't want to be around him all the time and I feel horrible that he isn't "enough" for me.
                              But, I do love him and I'm trying the best I can to raise a quality kid. He's stubborn as a mule, so I find myself bringing the hammer. A LOT. And etiquette classes, and no more electronics, and summer tutoring, and a lot of bedroom time for back talking, etc.
                              I feel like the punishment he gets comes across as not loving him because I am so resentful. And the last thing I want him to feel is unloved. I feel like he would have been better off if I'd put him up for adoption. He used to be such a happy kid.
                              [–]Eddie_Hitler 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
                              As a 29 year old man, I need to be brutally honest here. I will not date single mothers. When scanning dating sites I always set the filters to "no children" and I swipe left on Tinder whenever I see the woman posing with a child (in case it's hers) or has their job title set as "Full Time Mummy".
                              Why? Because the child will come first and, being brutally frank, will probably just get in the way. Myself and the mother won't be able to do normal things dating couples would do. There wouldn't be the same sex life. There wouldn't be the same holidays. There wouldn't be the same evenings in together. Everything we do would have to revolve around the child I don't want to feel like I'm being forced into a stepfather role I don't want. And I find it very difficult to bond and build a rapport with children; granted this might be different if it was biologically mine, but in this case, it wouldn't be.
                              [–]Michelle_Lynn2016 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              I don't date men that don't have kids. And there are a lot of childless men who want to date me, I just know the pitfalls of deluding myself that way. It's not for me.
                              [–]WakaFlacco 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
                              He still is happy. He's just ten, and discipline like that is a good way to enforce better behavior. Trust me, he won't hold it against you when he's 25 and successful.
                              [–]Michelle_Lynn2016 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              To be fair...I haven't started this regiment yet. We recently got back from a 3 week vacation and I am done. He's suffering from a severe case of affluenza and I realize I need to make changes. He has too much and he's not grateful and it's not how I grew up.
                              [–]princesspussypants [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              Get some therapy. Your son didn't do anything till deserve resentment.
                              [–]Annihilicious -2 points-1 points0 points  (3 children)
                              This reads like you tried to baby trap someone and it backfired
                              [–]Michelle_Lynn2016 [score hidden]  (2 children)
                              Ah. No. But that wouldn't even matter. I didn't get pregnant tripping on his dick while he was tied up.
                              [–]Annihilicious [score hidden]  (1 child)
                              Preganant at 34 and he leaves 5 months in? Yea that sounds super planned.
                              [–]Michelle_Lynn2016 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                              You can't plan something if you you don't even know you're pregnant until you wind up surprised and in the hospital at 17 weeks thinking you have food poisoning.
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                                  [–]bsfam 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
                                  I hope this gets read by anyone who needs to hear it! I always wanted to be a mom but didn't have a child until I was 29. I thought for sure I was mentally prepared but in reality, I had no clue it would be THIS challenging! I can't imagine my life without my demon child but it seems now more than ever I want to have a social life! I make so many sacrifices every day for my toddler because one day he's going to think about his childhood and hopefully say "I had the best childhood!" I had a great childhood because of so many things and siblings but my relationship with my parents was ok. They made plenty of sacrifices but they didn't really make much effort at actually bonding with us! I want that for my children so I'm going to do whatever it takes!
                                  [–]kxw3656 [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                  That's awesome and you sound like a great mom :) <3
                                  [–]bsfam [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                  Thanks! I try my very hardest!
                                  [–]GlassNinja 4 points5 points6 points  (6 children)
                                  I will lead with not being a parent, but I've been talking to my own parents a lot this past year about my sister in very real terms, so I can relay some of their thoughts on this topic.
                                  My sister is a nightmare. She can be sweet, charming, funny, and fun-loving. She's a people-person, through and through. But she can also be cruel, violent, manipulative, and callous. She has an alphabet soup of diagnoses, from PTSD (due to her past before adoption), to Bipolar, to Borderline Personality Disorder, to Depression, to more that I forget, and has an addition to cutting herself. She has threatened to cut herself/kill herself over the smallest, stupidest things. She uses it to get my parents to give her cash to go see a movie or to get a new dress or shoes. She's started full on fights with my mother, hitting her repeatedly in the face. She's thrown her cat as a weapon. She's ripped a drawer out in the kitchen and shattered more pictures of the family than I can count. She constantly gaslights everyone in the family and tries to play us against each other.
                                  There are only short reprieves from the absolute insanity, where everything is calm and almost normal. But underneath that is the constant fear- the fear that something you say or do will result in her shouting at you, screaming about how abusive you are for doing something as simple as asking what she wanted from the grocery store.
                                  My parents have both referred to my sister as their worst mistake and both of them regret her adoption. They both struggle with the fact that we were a very normal, happy family before we adopted her, but spiraled into a very fractured family afterwards. Both have apologized to me explicitly stating their (personal) decision to go through with the adoption has irreparably harmed the family.
                                  My father has also explicitly stated that if he could get inside a time machine and undo the adoption, he would because of how much it has harmed my mother and myself. He has stated more than once a desire to find the people who told my sister to act normal until she was officially adopted and back home and to punch them in the face. He has more patience than anyone else I know, but when it finally did snap this past year, you could feel his hurt and it was immense and very primal. Despite that, he still tries to keep everyone in the family as happy and functional as possible.
                                  My mother is very quick to suggest kicking my sister out of the house (she is an adult) at every opportunity because she is beyond her mental and emotional limits in dealing with her. She's lost her faith after converting as an adult and working for her faith for over twenty years. She has wondered aloud whether there is no god, or whether she's being punished, whether she died and is being punished in hell but unaware of it. She finally admitted being abused as a child, and it shows with how she reacts to my sister and her abuse. Both are triggers for each other, which leads further into my mother's self doubt and self loathing.
                                  Both have gone from being happy individuals to being constantly exhausted. Neither smiles as much as they used to. Both regret going from a family unit to a group of fractured adults. Both regard themselves as failures of parents. They both used to attend seminars for people looking to adopt and speak, but now both have considered (aloud) whether they should write a book about the dangers of adoption.
                                  [–]author123cosmos 1 point2 points3 points  (5 children)
                                  Kick that bitch to the curb. Seriously, if any of what you are saying is at all as bad as you make it sound, remove that cancer from your life. Tell your psycho sis a random on reddit said "go up the river and not across the bridge" with her cutting and do you all a favor. In all seriousness, that situation is fucked, I can't imagine how horrible it would feel to live in that environment. :(
                                  [–]GlassNinja 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
                                  I'm moving out within two weeks, maximum, by next week minimum.
                                  And it's a lot harder than just to say, "Kick her to the curb." because we've raised her through so much. She was 7 when we adopted, she's now about to be able to drink legally. I was the one to teach her how to ride a bike. My dad taught her to read. My mom taught her how to sew, and watched her during sports. There's memories and successes. There's emotional entanglement and attachment. Despite what she does, she is my little sister. I hate her actions, but I really do love her and wish her the best.
                                  I know I can't be involved anymore. My mother has hit that point as well. When my father does too... Well, it's going to be a sad day, even if it would/will be a healthy day. There's always that hope that maybe this battery of medication will help stabilize her long enough for her to address her core issues. So far, it's only been hope. But that is, in some ways, what a family does- hope.
                                  [–]author123cosmos 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
                                  This is sadly what happens to a lot of people in abusive families. They can't seem to fathom the concept of cutting someone out of their life if they are family. Fact is, if they are abusive and causing you physical or emotional harm, they need to be removed from your life. It never gets better through inaction, trust me. It will suck at first, but its her issue not yours. Move on with your life and work towards building a happy future for yourself and your lovely parents. That parasite has leeched long enough.
                                  [–]GlassNinja 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                  I am doing my best to do so.
                                  [–]billbixbyakahulk 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                  I'm in the same boat as you but with my mother. She seems to want to drink herself to death. At some point you just have to disconnect for your own sanity.
                                  [–]GAY42069 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                  She's done horrid things but wishing for her death is not the answer! Anyone can be good if they try
                                  [–]Fudg3 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                  I was trapped via pregnancy. Was dating a girl at the time and we had been on / off for awhile and things weren't looking good for us long term. Mostly because she was a compulsive liar but that's not the point here. She stopped taking her birth control on purpose in order to try to have a baby with me and it worked. So now here I am almost 4 years later now single (she cheated on me with everyone, Eskimo brothers in here?) with an amazing son who I love dearly but I dream of my old life every day. Now I only get to see him on the weekends (I get him every weekend) so I get to work all week and then be a single dad on the weekends. I still get to do things during the week but I'm often depressed and stay home during that time because I miss my son. I've never felt more alone
                                  [–]baconnmeggs 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
                                  I love my son, but I'm just not cut out for the single mom life. I had kind of a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago and now my family is finally helping out with him. Before that it was 10 months with him, by myself, for 24 hours a day. I begged my family for help. Got nothing. So I lost it and tried to off myself. I just barely lived, and now they help with my son.
                                  I hate myself for all this. I just hate myself so much.
                                  [–][deleted]  (1 child)
                                  [removed]
                                    [–]Just_be_cool_babies 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    Even in the best of circumstances, the times of joy, fulfillment and emotional rewards of parenting are mixed in with periods of frustration, expense and exhaustion. If you don't have enough support either through extended family or your partner, if you are struggling financially or if you have extenuating health situations (either you or your child), parenting can be exponentially more difficult. You don't really know how much sacrifice you will make as a parent until you become a parent, but having resources as you hit those challenges makes all the difference.
                                    [–]II_Confused 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    I love my daughter, but I feel massive amounts of guilt over the fact that she's inherited pretty much all of my debilitating health problems as well as her mother's. She doesn't quite know it yet, but she's going to have a much harder life than either of her parents because of this.
                                    [–]XGuntank02X 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    I regret having my child with the wrong woman. Bitchy baby momma can ruin your fatherhood experience.
                                    [–]spacecatherder 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    Disclaimer: I love my kids; like many of the other parents here even if a part of me regrets the circumstances. not my kids.
                                    It just takes so much out of you. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Pre-kids, I pretty much just enjoyed existing: playing video games, jamming out to music, browsing the internet, and just using all my time and/or money for whatever I wanted. Now, EVERYTHING goes to raising these future adults and I'm struggling a lot with this for so many reasons. They need SO much from you. I question if I'm doing it right and I feel woefully underprepared for this task.
                                    I'm working, going to college, caring for a house, trying to still maintain a relationship with my wife, while also (obviously) trying to raise the kids and I barely have time or energy for anything else. My son is special needs and in school, my daughter is still young but I'm already worried that she may have similar problems as her brother which means TWO children with SN. I'm giving so much of myself and I don't even feel like a person anymore. I know I wasn't much of anybody but now I just feel like a cog without anything more going for me.
                                    [–]TellEmHawk 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    I don't regret having kids, I regret who I had them with.
                                    [–]boyyoz1 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    i'm pretty poor now....
                                    [–]everyZig 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
                                    Im not going to say i completely regret it, but its definitely a mixed feeling.
                                    The ex and i split up early this year, and while i love my kids, it still feel kinda shitty knowing ill have to deal with my ex on a at least weekly basis for the next 15-20 years. The kids also make me worry being away from me, since my ex isnt exactly all that good at getting her shit together.. The kids are fine so far, but in the back of my mind there is always that little worry about if and when ill have to step in.
                                    So out of having kids, i think i mostly regret the person i had them with, we both were too young and naive, and i especially didnt pay enough attention to what i wanted out of life before making that huge decision.
                                    [–]dopegeek_ta 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
                                    This is exactly the situation I find myself in. I don't regret the kids; just their mother. Even if I could turn back time, I don't know what I'll do. It's a fucking miserable place to be in.
                                    [–]everyZig 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                    Good luck man..
                                    Just remember, staying together for the kids isnt the answer, the kids are better off with two separated parents who can still get along casually, then living with two parents who fight all the time etc..
                                    [–]cathrien 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    why ? because of.. The first years of life, children need A LOT of attention. If you are lucky you get a spot in kindergarten, otherwise someone has to watch them 24/7. Even if they are asleep, someone has to be around “if anything happens”. You shouldn’t be drunk too. While this sounds easy, remember, this goes 24/7. No weekend off, no sick time, nothing. One of the two parents HAS to be there. It gets better over the years. First you can have someone babysit so you can get at least an evening out for movies, later a day at the grand parents will give you a full night of “whatever you wanna do”, etc.. Additionally you have to go to work, clean your house, wash your clothes (and even more of them because babies use lots of them), eat, cook, sleep, etc. etc. etc. and most of it is hard to do with a kid around. Folding your clothes? Hey look who has a lot of fun getting them all unfolded again… Cooking? All the sharp knives and hot pans and pots are just PERFECT with a kid running around… Mopping the floor? Hard to do with a kid running around (we have a small appartment)… And the kids have to be cleaned, dressed, fed, etc. too
                                    Sleeping? Well expect to get woken up in the middle of the night. For a year straight. Every night. Maybe multiple times. Sleeping in on the weekends? Who are you kidding? You better not come home drunk at 5 in the morning if your child is getting up at 6 or 7…
                                    [–]throwaway1615217 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
                                    Kid's mom (ex) lied about being on birth control, then lied about getting an abortion to get money from me (twice). Now six years later is keeping the child away from me in order to justify getting the max amount of child support possible. I love my daughter to death but every aspect of it, from mom being pregnant to birth to family court, has been a complete and total nightmare to the point where it's affecting my current relationship and makes me wonder if I could go through it again and be happy.
                                    [–]eyesopenarmscrossed 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    Losing so much of your self, your partner, and your freedom is what's worst in the beginning, but as my children get older, I'm realizing how fatherhood has revealed the worst parts of my character. Petty, angry, short-tempered, remote...I don't recognize the person I have become; I'm afraid I've been unequal to the task of parenthood, and in the process it turned me into less of a person.
                                    [–]krystopher 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    I am a selfish man child and I noticed that the only thing that made me genuinely happy and satisfied was building a gaming desktop and using it to play games from the 90s...
                                    Also kids take up a lot of time, and things that used to be easy like leaving the house are now a damn project and you never can really stay out long.
                                    If you aren't married in your early 20s and get used to autonomy and say have kids in your mid 30s then it hits you hard, IMHO.
                                    I may be biased a bit though, because kids and a spinal injury came close together, and it's hard to separate the misery of chronic pain from the perfect single life I had before all this.
                                    The advice given to me in my 30s and I ignored: "don't get married, don't have kids."
                                    [–]WarningGipsyDanger 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    I had my first at 19. I was not ready for a child, I was still a child myself. I depended on my parents for everything and not because I wanted to. They never prepared me (any of us kids) for adulthood. At 19 I had the mindset of a 16 year old at best.
                                    I struggled to be a parent, my parents tried to take over that roll even though I didn't ask or want them to. I struggled with balancing school and work - never mind a social life. I fought 7 years with a man who didn't want to be a father, his mom just wanted to see her grandchild. I either worked too much and couldn't take care of my child or I didn't work enough to take care of my child. I lost my mind, literally.
                                    I was too young when I had my first child. I couldn't do anything I wanted without it directly affecting my child, negative or positive. My child didn't feel like my child, she was more like a sister but I was constantly reminded that she was my responsibility - even though I couldn't put her to bed at night, my mom insisted she would. I really resented being a mom.
                                    At 25 I pulled myself together and at 26 I said fuck you to absolutely everyone and moved across country without warning. I got Married at 27 and at 28 had my second child. Completely different experience and made me fall in love with being a mom. I have a career (of sorts) a stable environment, and a home.
                                    My now 11 year old daughter has no idea how hard it was for me to be a mom or that I even resented her and considered giving her to my parents just to make my life easier and I hope she never does. She knows I worked my ass off to do the best I could and that I love her more than anything and that makes every shitty thing I went through worth while.
                                    I should have waited to have kids. I'm 30 now and think I'm just NOW at the point where I've got everything in order to know if it's what I even want - they definitely are.
                                    [–]neuronet 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                    I should say I regretted it for a while (past tense) but don't any more.The reasons are exactly the things I expected before we had the child, but living it and knowing it beforehand are very different species:
                                    -In a relationship with two parents who want to hold down full-time jobs, and without heavy-duty help from family or wealth that lets you afford nannies or some such shit, it sucks.
                                    -Freedom falls to near absolute zero. Doing anything alone is a negotiation (e.g., going to the store to buy grocieries without the dumpling is an amazing adventure in the first three months).
                                    -I don't work as much, and I love my job and am by character a bit of a workaholic. It sucks to be less hard-core at work.
                                    -Kids are annoying and high-maintenance by nature. If yours is more difficult than the norm, it is particularly shitty.
                                    -If you are a woman, you will do more. No matter what he says about carrying an equal load, you will do more. Your career will suffer more. You will just do more for the kid from birth to year N. You will resent it.
                                    Note the first few months are pure hell in terms of sleep deprivation and lack of freedom, especially if you don't have family around to help. Each year it gets better, as the kids get more independent and self-sufficient and human-like and smart.
                                    So I'd say the first six months I was hating life. Since then it has actually gotten progressively better. Now that she is six I don't actually regret it, it's pretty amazing sometimes.
                                    [he types as she brings in a pile of books and drops them on his computer and then runs out of the room crying for god knows what fuckign reason I need to go figure out]
                                    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
                                    [removed]
                                      [–]Toot_Muffin 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
                                      I love my kid but since the beginning I didn't want one. My wife is in the Navy and I was ready to propose expecting to travel with her to new duty stations but right before I propose she tells me she is pregnant. She always told me that if she did get pregnant she would get an abortion and she was pro-choice. When I asked her if she was going to proceed with the abortion because it would effect both our careers she started saying I'm not gonna kill my baby and so forth. I of course wasn't going to force her to get an abortion so we have my son. I leave everything and move from Texas to Washington. My wife works nights and is currently on deployment. Before she left she would only see my son two days out of the week and I would still be the one that took care of him. I lay in bed, when I can, just laugh because I can't do any of my hobbies, finish school, or hang out with my friends because I'm a full-time parent with a wife I barely see or spend time with. Its hard enough that shes on deployment but its even harder when she isn't because we can't have time to ourselves. She wants another child and I keep on saying no because I have hope that once he goes to school and we move back home I can continue where I left off.
                                      [–]billbixbyakahulk [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      Dude, get a vasectomy. They're reversible if down the line you decide you want to have another kid.
                                      [–]PrincessIceheart 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                      I have an 8 year old daughter. I love her too the moon and back. I don't regret having her, but I do regret the timing of when I had her.
                                      I had her when I first joined the Army. Because of my service, she's spent 75% of her life away from me living with her dad and paternal grandmother.
                                      I spent nearly 9 years in the Army and of that time I was overseas without her for about 4 years. The rest of that time was spent in and out of the field.
                                      I wish I had her after leaving the army so that I could guarantee that she would be with me all the time.
                                      EDIT: I also had her before I knew who I was. I was 20 years old and married to someone that I only married because my recruiter told me it was the only way to guarantee he could go to the same places as me. Before I joined the army we were already engaged and living together, and had been since my senior year of high school. But I was planning to wait until after college to actually marry him. I wasn't even sure if we were actually in love or if I just felt attached to him because he rescued me from an abusive home.
                                      I also wasn't even sure if I was really into men. 5 years of being married to him told me that I definitely wasn't into men.
                                      I also developed severe PTSD in the army and have spent about 5 years in and out of psych wards for suicide attempts. She deserves better.
                                      I feel guilty all the time because she's such a sweet, smart, amazing young lady and I know she deserves better.
                                      TLDR: It was unfair of me to bring a child into the world only to be shuffled around her entire life and live in confusion about why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore and why mommy is married to a woman instead of her dad.
                                      [–]partialcremation [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      My late husband passed away unexpectedly and left me with three young children, two were special needs infants at the time. You think you have it bad? Someone always has it worse.
                                      [–]Ta2whitey [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      I have to deal with my ex who has no idea what life is about in my opinion. Never has paid rent. Or held a job. Or even thought of the future.
                                      She is a caring person. Which is why I chose her as a partner. But she has an extremely controlling and vindictive side that comes out when she doesn't get her way. I fear this side is always going to pop out.
                                      I love my kid like no other. But now I must deal with someone I would rather not know or deal with.
                                      [–]Smoeey [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                      Everyone at work always asks 'When are you having kids?' to which I promptly reply that I'm never having any. It's like I'm the Anti-Christ, why is it such a big deal? Are there not enough people in this world already?
                                      [–]prisonwallet5009 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      "When you offer to pay for them." worked for me quite often when I was young
                                      [–]anonimityorigin [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      As a future father I'm saving this thread.
                                      [–]Jirajirajira [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      This thread kind of showed me that I am the one that destroyed my parents' relationship and not something else.
                                      [–]DocBalls [score hidden]  (2 children)
                                      I'm 40 year old male, and I have zero kids and no wife. Although I do enjoy dating occasionally, I feel very very fortunate to have been able to avoid these things.
                                      Toxic relationships/marriages and kids just seems horrible to me.
                                      [–]nurupodagananika [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      My hero! Bro, you are living the dream.
                                      [–]BatsForCats [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      I met s lovely woman who shares my desire to NOT be a parent. We get married in seven days, pretty stoked.
                                      [–]sixpoolsc [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      Instead of relishing of what life could have been, I put my happiness first and when my daughter sees mommy and daddy happy, she is happy. Obviously basic needs are met, FYI. Sounds selfish, but kind of works. Sure there are days where I am a bad parent, but it's better than there being no parent/ miserable parent. Go ahead and report me to Cps, it's been threatened before by a divorced miserable couple.
                                      [–]Robotseatguitar [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                      I can understand the misgivings about money and all of that. It gets hard sometimes, and I've been particularly blessed. That being said, if you just don't like your kid it's kind of your fault. Especially when they are younger. They are mirrors of your personality.
                                      [–]nurupodagananika [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      I disagree. You CHOOSE your spouse, you don't get to pick your kids.
                                      Certainly there's some biological bonding or something given that you share DNA, but still I would not have chosen to befriend my kids given the choice. I'd have picked kids more into reading and science and language and less into sports, for example.
                                      [–]greenpenisface [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      Bed time!!! Every freakin day by 8:30. You put that shit monster in bed and make sure it stays there. You get a couple of hours every day to read, have a few drinks, have a bitch session, be human, whatever!!! Also, i am sure that she is feeling as alienated as you. Source: I spawned 4 children
                                      [–]SupremeGodOfReddit [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      Reading all these posts to make sure I never even consider having little shits of my own.
                                      [–]Xlem [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                      Wow some of the posts here have really gotten to me. I'm 20 and I one day want children but man, I can see why my girlfriend says she never wants to have kids.
                                      [–]Ruaidiri 26 points27 points28 points  (31 children)
                                      Having a (almost 4yo) child has made me realize that I wasn't being alone a lot because of convenience, I really, really like having all hours in the day to myself, to spend exactly as I want to. So lack of freedom is one thing.
                                      Also it is impossible to prepare yourself for the dramatic effects of serious and long lasting sleep deprivation, which I have found out changes your mental and emotional stability, sense of humor, ability to handle things with ease and confidence.
                                      And as we are for once focusing on the negative, as an extra you always feel guilty when you have these thoughts. And of course I make mistakes. And because it is concerning the life of someone who is developing into an adult the weight of doing it right can not be expressed in words. I feel responsible in being the best person I can be around my child, and guiding us in the right direction, being a loving and attentive parent.
                                      But indeed, when the child is in bed and all is done at the end of the day (aka 8 pm) I collapse into the couch or backwards on the kitchen floor, depending the level of exhaustion. :-)
                                      I have never experienced anything like this before. When I hear childless people say "I am tired." a tiny voice in my head begrudgingly thinks "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
                                      [–]insolent_rug 136 points137 points138 points  (22 children)
                                      Yes, because 'childless' people have no idea what it means to be exhausted. There's definitely no other reason a person could feel exhausted unless they have a kid.
                                      [–]AbsolutelyAverage 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
                                      UP-VOTE. X100000. FFS people. Parents don't have dibs on exhaustion. It's not a race, you don't win anything if you're 'more exhausted'. People can be exhausted for many different reasons. I'm exhausted because I'm in the final stages of my PhD and have trouble sleeping. Nobody can tell me that my stress and exhaustion are any less than someone who is a parent. Perhaps different kinds of exhaustion at the most, but fuck off if you try to downplay my feelings of whatever on the grounds that you have it worse or better because you're a parent.
                                      /rant
                                      [–]manzanapocha 36 points37 points38 points  (1 child)
                                      I think parents often confuse "miserable" with "tired" because they feel both so often and for so long.
                                      [–][deleted]  (4 children)
                                      [removed]
                                        [–]bambam_delfuturo 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
                                        I love my child more then life itself. I just regret that I had her when I did (I realise if I was pregnant at a different time she would be a different person). She is the funniest, sweetest, most compassionate, loving child I've ever met. She's sassy and hilarious and I wouldn't change her in a world. But my god being basically a single parent is the hardest thing ever. I loved 2.5 years at my parents house with my daughter but now we're out in our own. I can't shower until she's in bed. I can't take a poo until she's in bed. I can't clean until she's in daycare and I work half the time she's at day care. My god I love her to death but I wish I did this the 'proper' way. I'd never give her up or change her but I dream about what it would be like to do it the 'proper' way.
                                        [–]scriptdog [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                        Honest question from a humble non-parent: can you really not put her in front of a kids show and do those things?
                                        My nephew is 2.5 and I just tell him to stay put while I have a shower/poo/do the dishes. You've scared me with the idea that isn't typical!
                                        [–]rhtufts 4 points5 points6 points  (5 children)
                                        My biggest regret was having a kid to early. It was my first marriage I was a 22 year old idiot. (Love my daughter though)
                                        My advice to my kids and to anyone... WAIT till you're pushing 30 before even thinking about having kids.
                                        .02
                                        [–]iamaquantumcomputer 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                        Well if you're a guy, then maybe.
                                        But but if you're a girl, having a baby at 30 increases the odds of developmental problems
                                        [–]FeelingzDontMatter -3 points-2 points-1 points  (2 children)
                                        Don't do that. Wait till you find the right person to have kids with. If you wait till 30, your chance of having an autistic kid goes up by like 50%.
                                        [–]durandall08 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                        You're thinking of Downs, which doesn't become statistically on the board hardly at all until after 36.
                                        [–]Love_LittleBoo 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                        Or you just won't get pregnant at all! Yay fertility...
                                        [–][deleted]  (2 children)
                                        [removed]
                                          [–]diesel_stinks_ 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                          I never wanted to pass on my genes, I never intended to be financially stable enough to support a child (more freedom that way), not being financially stable and having to support a child meant giving up on doing a huge number of things that I planned to do in life.
                                          [–]nonsufficient 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                          I regret having a child with my childs father. I saw how crazy he was and should have ran while I could.
                                          He has spent the last 5 years making my life hell. It has only marginally improved this year as I moved 2000 miles away so the abuse and assault was much more difficult to commit.
                                          I left him after 3 months of being together. None of the physical abuse started till afterwards. Filed a restraining order, that was later thrown out. (he had good legal counsel, I could not afford any) And he used the case as a custody battle as well that I lost, hard. Called the cops on him multiple times. They always believed me but told me there was nothing they could do beyond filing a report and that I should seek legal counsel. When I told them I could barely afford dinner they would just look at me with sad eyes.
                                          And I could easily go rogue and escape him, but I would have to give up my child. The one person that I love so damn much that I just cant. Right now I only see her a couple times a year and pay him more than a 4th of my income to child support. And I'm not even sure if my safety is worth being far away.
                                          Make sure you know who you're having a child with. You are stuck with them forever.
                                          [–]w5d2t2aY41innXCy83tX 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                          forcing life and death to somebody is a pretty serious business. Most parents should regret having had kids, since it is a pretty selfish thing to do. No matter all the effort that goes into raising the kids, the kids didn't ask to come to this world. So while raising the kid, once the kid exists, can indeed be altruistic, procreating is not.
                                          I donate a good part of my salary to help kids living in favelas, and my wife and myself are trying to adopt.
                                          Anyone who says that childless people are selfish should try adopting first, and then maybe think about what it really means to force life to somebody else.
                                          [–]onyxonyx9 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                          My child was the result of a woman forcing her choice on me. Allow me to explain. We had been together for 6 years and I knew she was becoming more mentally unstable and violent towards me but I reserved hope that she might be able to change. Unfortunately she was just getting worse. What I didn't know was the birth control I had purchased for her was no longer being taken. It wasn't too long before I was told that she was pregnant. I told her she should never be a mother and I was not ready to be a father and yet she insisted on having this child. She was only trying to keep me in her life.
                                          I left to pursue work while she continued term only to come back and find out she had cheated on me with an ex of hers while 8 months pregnant. I left her immediately. After she had our daughter her mental break downs and violent actions got worse. She would threaten to assault or actually hurt our daughter to try and force me to stay. Several times she got violent and I would call the police only for them to dismiss my claims.
                                          Eventually I had to disappear entirely so she could not find me. After all, her actions were all about keeping me in her life.
                                          About six months after I disappeared, she signed over parental rights to my mother and dismissed being a mother to them full time. She still tries to find me when she can.
                                          My mother won't speak to me and blames me for leaving and disappearing.
                                          I never got the choice is the sad thing. Yet I have become a bad guy because I am held accountable in everyone's eyes no matter what the circumstances were at the time.
                                          [–]LynStorm 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                          No one really prepares you for the mental and financial commitment of having kids. Being that I'm someone who grew up with a lot of siblings, middle class family that was lower class every other week, I don't think you should have kids if you can't support their dreams and growth.
                                          So many key points and talents that could've been expanded had my parents had enough attention to give or money to fuel the dream.
                                          I see the same now with my situation. Not only did I start too young, but I can see my limitations already on supporting my child's wants.
                                          If you talk about having children, people will only mention how you won't get any sleep when they're newborns/infants and "wait till they are in their teens" or basically highlighting a few stand-out moments that are the easiest to recall, I guess.
                                          What no one tells you, is that some of your friends (mainly those without children) will eventually lose touch with you. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it happened to me. No one wants to admit it directly to the person with the kid, but if you don't have kids there's a good chance you don't want to deal with them unless necessary.
                                          No one tells you that ontop of the inital expenses during your first couple years (i.e, diapers, baby food, formula, clothes, etc.), everyone neglected to tell me that daycare prices will violate your bank account. My personal situation is paying $222 a week for full-time daycare (7am-6pm) with breakfast, lunch and a snack included. That's almost $900 a month so good luck if you make minimum wage. Also, good luck finding a daycare that includes meals.
                                          Hey, you also became a teacher. It's the simplistic way of looking at it but if you aren't prepared to explain everything and remember that your kin needs to be taught everything, like how to jump or what the word "awesome" means, then you're not ready. I forgot everything that you had to learn, stuff that's second nature to me. It sounds silly but I don't feel like narrating every action like I'm Rachel Ray and I'm showing you how to make dinner in 30 mins.
                                          Also, you have to be a cheerleader. Your kid comes up to you with a scribble that you know took no effort and was probably just them dropping the crayon on the paper more than actually coloring, and it doesn't matter how your day went or what mood you're in, that damn scribble is better than anything Picasso could muster. You are excited and proud of every achievement. You didn't have to ask me to use the bathroom and just knew when to go? You're a genius, son. You remembered that homeless people don't have jobs? I knew you'd figure it out, honey.
                                          Again, these may seem like obvious points but this is stuff you have to do Every Minute Of Every Day.
                                          It is mentally exhausting if you are not prepared. It's sucky when you're in postpartum depression from being a single parent and not being able to give your kid the life you wanted them to have. But you have to smile because your daughter needs to show you what she learned in karate or your son wants you to play dinosaurs with him
                                          If I could go back and undo being a parent, I would. I didn't realize how "selfish" I am or maybe having a kid too early just made it to where I subconsciously resent them for preventing me from fulfilling my own dreams, let alone exerting every ounce of energy and every last penny to make theirs true.
                                          Oh, let's also include that every action is judged like 10 times more because "omg she's a mom" or "omg he's got kids"
                                          I love my kid and I've had some amazing times. Almost 7 years in and like I said, if I could go back I would. But I can't. There's no such thing and we're not even close to figuring it out so I do what I would consider the impossible, which is managing to keep my kid happy and healthy until one day I'll get my chance to be selfish again (i.e, they move out) haha
                                          [–]HairlessSasquatch [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                          I had a kid at 20. I really didn't want to but she trapped me. Told me she was taking the pill but was just tossing them in the trash every morning.. now i take drugs to deal with the depression of knowing she ruined my life. I have to see the kid for an entire week starting tomorrow and i just don't want to. She moved several towns over and its better i dont see him.. fuck my life is so fucked
                                          [–]InformalCriticism 1 point2 points3 points  (7 children)
                                          I didn't have a choice.
                                          [–]jeneffy 1 point2 points3 points  (6 children)
                                          Why not?
                                          [–]kitsandkats 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                          Speculation, but there could be a number of reasons the parent commenter would have had no choice. If female... abusive/coercive spouse, living in a country where abortion is illegal, not finding out they were pregnant until it was too late. If male... again, abusive/coercive spouse, impregnating a woman who could not or would not have an abortion... lots of things could've made them a parent contrary to their will.
                                          [–][deleted]  (1 child)
                                          [removed]
                                            [–]Stopit_Youguys 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
                                            I have three kids between the ages of 3-7. They are the best things that ever happened to me. After the first kid I thought I would never have a happy life or a happy marriage ever again. Then I realized that I can just take my new situation and find things I do like about it.
                                            When the kid was up in the middle of the night as a baby I took the opportunity to watch family guy reruns while I paced around the living room. In the evening when I couldn't get her to calm down I just went for a walk since she liked that (I ended up losing about 20 pounds!).
                                            The key to living a happy and fulfilling life is to play the hand you were dealt like its the hand you wanted.
                                            [–][deleted]  (2 children)
                                            [removed]
                                              [–]veruha 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                              Aside from the exhaustion, the hard work, the lack of time, etc., the thing that I was not prepared for at all as a parent was having to watch my kids in pain and not being able to do anything about it. That broken bone, or severe illness, or heartbreak from being bullied. It is so emotionally painful that I can't take their pain away, I cannot always protect them. If I had known that before having them, I would have chosen to be childless.
                                              [–]gamemasterflex 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                              Perhaps not quite the answer for this question, but somewhat related. I don't regret having kids, I regret not being rich with dat fuk you monies. During my day, I love the time I spend with my family, but I Fuking hate the 9-5 portion of it. The portion that enslaves me into wage slavery so that I could have the other non 9-5 part of my life. I some times have to wonder how backwards our civilization has become, when both parents have to work to make ends meet. Wtf happened.
                                              [–]bluelinen 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                              I'm much older than most of you so my attitude to having children was a lot different. I never felt I was missing out on anything by having children and still feel it was the right decision for me.
                                              But now I am a grandparent a number of times over, I find myself with more people to worry about, their happiness, their futures. If I'd never had children I could just accept whatever the future holds for me quite calmly. Instead I now care so much about my family that it hurts sometimes when I can't help them.
                                              [–][deleted]  (1 child)
                                              [removed]
                                                [–]fool-me-twice 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
                                                I don't regret it but there are moments.
                                                The worst is having to tell them to do things, like "Did you brush your teeth?" or "Is your home work done(started)?", again and again....FOR YEARS! It makes me crazy. I can't imagine how teachers, grocery store managers, fast food managers deal with it. I've been told I used to be more casual kind of guy. Kids.
                                                [–]takeandbake 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                                My coworker's kid is in high school. She still has to coordinate activities between the kid, her husband, and herself on the phone. Parents have to attend a mandatory meeting in order for kid to play school sports? Gotta arrange it. Kid needs transport somewhere? Kid has some problem with his summer job and band schedule? Gotta get involved.
                                                And he's a teenager! There were bad things about how I was raised, I suppose, but when I was in HS I did not require my parents to do any sort of coordination of activities (school, hobbies, etc). But most people, even as their kids get older, they have to remain involved. Never ends til teh day the parents or child dies.
                                                [–]resplendentradish 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                                My only regret is that I didn't make the world a better place before bringing them into existence.
                                                [–]rosieuspootis 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                                Because they never visit me, insensitive fucks.
                                                [–]Survivedtheapocalyps 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
                                                First off I need to preface this by saying that I would not change having my daughters for anything. They are the light fo my world and what keeps me grounded in reality. Now, that being said...
                                                Children are a physical, mental, and financial drain on you. Constantly worrying about them and whether you are doing right by them.
                                                If My wife and I had not had children our lives would be so completely different right now. We would certainly have much more money in the bank and would be able to travel a lot more.
                                                I am currently going through a separation from my wife (after 12 years) and to be perfectly honest, if there were no children involved everything would be so much simpler.
                                                Aside from the constant stress of raising children in todays society, having children is the best thing I have ever had happen to me.
                                                [–]GreenPandaPower 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                                I never understood why parents need to preface that. Like as if you're not allowed to have an opinion.
                                                "Let me just say I LOVE my new Lexus. Its the world to me.. but the gas!" You're allowed to complain without excusing yourself.
                                                [–]Fahjet 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                Because they are 14 years old
                                                [–]Reddit__PI 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                I think the sacrifice a person makes by having a child is really measured in the type of child a person ends up having.
                                                [–][deleted]  (4 children)
                                                [removed]
                                                  [–]c0z59 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Can't be selfish and lazy and have a kid...it just won't work.
                                                  [–]Duttyskankin 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter unconditionally and I'd give my life for her easy... but I feel like a hypocrite usually. I myself hated being here, I despise people and I'm emotionally exhausted from life in general. So bringing an offspring in to this situation made me feel shitty. Now she has to deal with all the bullshit that I've been dealing with =/
                                                  [–]coryrain 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
                                                  I don't regret my daughter. I love her to bits and would move the world for her, but the first 3 years of her life I deeply wished I had never had her.
                                                  She didn't sleep through the night until the age of 2 1/2. That's a long time to deal with sleep depravation. I also had postpartum depression with auditory hallucinations. That's right I was sad and heard voices for nearly 2 years. My sex drive collapsed completely and still hasn't recovered a full 7 years later.
                                                  It's been hard. My husband and I are just now starting on rebuilding our relationship. We're taking out first vacation alone in 8 years in a few weeks. I'm so excited!
                                                  [–]ColourSchemer 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Be prepared for learning to be in a relationship with someone you feel you hardly know. My spouse and I both changed a lot through her post partum depression and me having to take on a lot of new responsibilities.
                                                  [–]myriade898 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Yep in my mind as screwed up as it is if you have a kid I basically feel like it's all the focus is off of you two and onto the kid which means you two are just there to make sure the kids alright nothing more half the people on here confirm that we have a "date night" it's like no wonder kids were treated so badly in earlier years of civilization even those parents knew it's a business man your relationship with your partner doesn't matter anymore and that's just sad to all those parents out there you have my best wishes because that to me is just some hard shit to swallow I'm still working on loving myself fully and then you throw in a kid? Something I made that's part me part someone I love almost more than myself? Shiiiiiiit no thanks the worlds hard enough with enough problems
                                                  [–]taylormac135 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  You should read "All Joy and No Fun". its about empirical research on satisfaction and compromises made when people have children, amongst men and women, and it is fascinating.
                                                  [–]Johnisfaster 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Because I learned I have ADD and now that I'm being treated I'm stressed out all the time. I'm often angry toward her simply because everything is just too much.
                                                  [–]Asxenlupin 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  I don't regret the person my son is, although I wish he didn't receive so many of my adverse traits. I do regret the fact that I have done such a lousy job parenting him- he deserved more than I was able to give him. I regret having children because I wasn't ready (23) , and because I'm much too selfish to really care about someone's feelings other than my own. I regret having a child because it's a really, really big job that I wasn't able to handle.
                                                  [–]Jodecho 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  I did it too early in life. My oldest was born right before my 20th birthday. I never wanted to be a dad, and i certainly wasnt ready for it at that point in my life.
                                                  That being said, there was a reaponsible adult burried deep within that was brought out. I know the old me would not be in as good of a situation as im in now without something to push him there. In fact id probably be in jail or homeless.
                                                  [–]tammage 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't. I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar onto them. They both suffer from really bad depression. Trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and did them a disservice. Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me. Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
                                                  [–]zachg 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
                                                  My first is starting college in a few weeks. The first bill came due. I am stunned at the reality of College expenses. I am about to watch my entire life's savings, deplete at such an astonishing rate, I am shocked it is happening at all.
                                                  [–]billbixbyakahulk [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                                  JC then transfer to State or UC.
                                                  [–]Minnesota_Nice_87 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Because I lost mine permanently due to my mental illness. I grew up in foster care, and things that happened during that time contributed immensely to my current disability. I know how damaging this is, and because of something I didn't choose, my kids now know this struggle. In fact, my son has started talking about killing himself this summer. He's almost 8.
                                                  I love my children. I tried so hard to do what was right. I never beat them or mistreated them. Yet I know dozens of parents who abused and neglected their kids, yet got them back. My mental illness took away what I love most. I regret having them because I'm convinced they will grow up with the exact struggles I barely function with. At one time, I was in so much pain just imagining them feeling like no one loves them or wants to be their friend, that I spent a year in and out of the hospital because I would rather be dead than see them feel that hurt.
                                                  [–]crashbangnoises 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  We have one child that is one year old. We both think we will not have any more kids for fear of how much it would probably hurt our marriage. I love my wife. I love my kid. Trying to keep it that way. It's fucking hard with one kid not to mention two. We can't imagine doing the late nights and breast feeding all over againand then have two little people to keep an eye on all the time. Not to mention it's pretty much financially impossible for us to have more kids. We want to live a happy life and we think stopping at one is ok.
                                                  [–]Fidesphilio [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I don't have kids, but I both want them and don't. On the one hand, I genuinely love children. I love taking care of them, I love teaching them things, I love making them laugh. On the other hand I'm a chronically-depressed trainwreck who will be on psych meds for the rest of my life. I would love to be a mom but that might not ever be feasible, and even if I somehow got shit together enough my medications harm a developing fetus so I'd have to go off of them for the nine months, at which point I risk a suicide attempt. Plus it's not fair to expect a child to deal with its mother's mental health problems; how do you explain that Mommy's crying because her brain wants her to jump off the balcony or swallow the entire medicine cabinet at once?
                                                  Maybe I'll just wind up with lots of dogs.
                                                  [–]Michelle_Lynn2016 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  You can't plan something if you don't even know your pregnant until you wind up in the hospital.
                                                  [–]nurupodagananika [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                                  They suck the best years of my life. When I am in my prime; old enough to know better, young enough to still have the fire, well enough established in my career to afford, and mature enough to manage responsibly... Kids are like VACATION? No, FAMILY vacation! 4x the cost, 10% the fun!
                                                  Weekends? Lol.
                                                  Nights? Please.
                                                  And then there's wife becomes mom, husband becomes dad. Sex becomes a memory.
                                                  If I knew then what I know now, I would have had ONE kid, early, and be done with it.
                                                  But you know, ymmv. Hope it works out better than my shitty life.
                                                  [–]sixpoolsc [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I had mine at 20, why would you have wanted it earlier? Jw. I don't really have a career. I am part time in school but will be 5+ years until my bachelor's. I live mostly paycheck to paycheck, aside from maybe 30 percent into savings because I live with family still.
                                                  This is life.. Bills, work, and two days a week where you /might/ get a babysitter and go can go somewhere.
                                                  [–]sqblime [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                                  I think a lot of these regrets have to do with one thing: money. If everyone was given a 150k passive income tomorrow I feel a lot of these regrets about having kids would disappear. Unfortunately we don't live in a society conducive to having kids.
                                                  [–]nurupodagananika [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  Well yeah, but only because I'd turn around and use that money to pay someone else to deal with my spawn so I could get on with MY life.
                                                  [–]poohslinger [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I think that my mom deep down didn't want kids. My older siblings were accidents because of fuck ups with birth control and my dad pressured her to have me. He will proudly and inappropriately tell me, "I was the one who really wanted you," but then was barely around until my mom left him. He became a more involved dad after that but he still had horrible boundaries, was narcissistic and used drugs.
                                                  I suffer from severe depression and chronic pain that feels like there's a knife sitting between my eyes and various parts of my forehead. Thank god I have long term birth control. It's reversible, but I am planning on getting my tubes tied as a next step. I can't think of a worse idea than having a child; I can barely take care of myself some days. I haven't been able to make a relationship last and almost none of them have been even remotely healthy or with people I could truly call adults. There is no way I would wish myself upon a kid, no way. And I wish my parents had not thrown me into this life, to be honest.
                                                  [–]MyzzRed [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  The birth of my daughter is what triggered me having Cancer... I hate seeing all my friends and family enjoying their lives with money and freedom... Very selfish I know... But I've gone from a 130 lb fit & successful woman, to 180 lb stay in bed mom- I love my daughter beyond anything I could imagine, but I wish I could go back to healthy-
                                                  [–]minimienymeanymo [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I'm reading this right now with my kids jumping all over me. No alone time unless I lock myself up somewhere or leave the house. And then my husband gets all flustered because he has all the kids. They're not bad and we don't regret them, but we recently made some life changes for the benefit of the family so that the hub's and I would get to spend more time together because we will be near family and we really haven't taken a whole lot of advantage of it. I'm begging for a date night for our anniversary here soon!
                                                  [–]OtherGuyFromWHAM [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I love my daughter. I legitimately think she is the absolute best person I know. She's fun and funny and there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her. And that's what sucks. I love her so much I could just explode with it. I miss her when I'm at work. I watch her sleeping. I just think she is SO! GREAT! But I do NOT like being a parent. I'm not good at it. I'm not suited for it. I do okay, and I work hard at it, and she'll be fine, but oh lordt this is not how I want to be spending my life. I just want to be alone. I want to be doing nothing. I don't want to cook dinner and drive places and arrange playdates. I don't want to talk to other mothers, I don't want to hold their children, I don't LIKE children. My daughter makes me anxious and stressed just being around her because she's so noisy and active and always everywhere doing things and in my space. I just don't LIKE this. I don't like anything about it EXCEPT for her. I thought I'd be better at this. I thought that loving your kid so much you could just squish them from hugging them so hard would make you a good parent, but it doesn't. You can love your kid and just SUCK OUT LOUD at parenting, and hate every second of it. On top of that, last year my husband revealed addiction issues, and while he's in recovery and he's doing fine and our marriage is fine (or as fine as it's going to get after having a kid less than a year into it), I worry what will happen to her if something happens to me. In fact, I just worry what will happen to her all the time. The fear and constant angst that come with having a kid are near unbearable. I don't think I could go on if something happened to her. No, I know I couldn't. And you have to just let them live their lives and go places and do things knowing there's always that tiny chance that something bad is going to happen and that shit is HEAVY. I don't even want to get into the hard but rewarding thing. My reward is that I get to have her, that she's my kid and she's a fucking delight. But oh I hate parenting so much.
                                                  [–]amkftb [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  My only regret is not having more.
                                                  Being a parent and having my (now teens) kids in my life is the best thing that ever happened to me
                                                  [–]rongenman1 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  Well, we now have 3 grown kids. Unable to have kids, we adopted 2 and then my wife got pregnant and we had a third. After all the struggle with IVF and the adoption process my wife and I have a bond like no other...Saying that, in order to say this, I always thought the "date night" thing was bullshit...but, I appear to have been wrong..but, I have been wrong before, I think it was in the 2nd grade...
                                                  [–]beenpimpin [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I always tell my mum life would have been better for both of us if she didn't have me
                                                  [–]pixiedustpills -1 points0 points1 point  (3 children)
                                                  Wow. Some of these comments are so sad. Don't want those considering children to think it's all doom and gloom. Sure, kids can be draining, physically, mentally, and financially but I think it gets much better as they get older. I have 3 kids, ages 13, 9, and 3 1/2. My husband and I still fuck everyday, sometimes twice a day. You just make the time. Put your relationship first and it will make you happier in all aspects of your life. I own a house, we still take vacations, I buy what I want. I'm not rich by any means but still happy. A glass of wine occasionally helps as well!
                                                  [–]basementdisaster [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                                  Why the crap have you been down voted? This is the answer I kept scrolling for hoping to find!
                                                  [–]poohslinger [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I did not downvote, but it's clearly stated that only the parents who actually regret having kids and their children should respond. This isn't a space for people to rub in others' faces how good they have it. I'm glad there are happier people out there, but I don't really think it's appropriate.
                                                  I'm saying this as someone who hasn't had kids, but was the child of people who might have not wanted them. Save the braggy sunshine and rainbows for a different place, please. There are many here who would kill to have what you have, why seem insecure by acting like you're better than them when you might just have more sheer dumb luck in life?
                                                  [–]Raskha23 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  The only part I regret, is who I made a child with. Divorced now and happier for it, but having a kid, boy that inevitable breakup was dragged out for YEARS. If we didn't have our son, it would have been so much easier to split up.
                                                  [–]ColeSloth 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Remember that time when you had money and could make plans to go anywhere at the drop of a hat? Remember not really cleaning your house for a few days and still having it look clean?
                                                  [–]northwest_vae 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Because I'm a heroin addict
                                                  [–]Rodgertheshrubber 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  I regret having kids with my ex-wife. She uses them as weapons.
                                                  [–]Min_Jeater 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  I might sound selfish posting this. But after having children my now ex wife left me took them and left me in a lot of debt plus child support payments. I am working a full time job paying off the debt and child support. I do not begrudge paying for them. But my life has just been one constant struggle since then. I guess i don't regret having my children. I regret having them with her.
                                                  [–]BigOlBeach 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
                                                  Humans, by nature, are selfish.
                                                  When you become a parent, shit isn't all about you anymore. In fact, little to nothing is about you, if you're a decent parent.
                                                  A lot of people just can't understand that until it's too late.
                                                  Source: none. I observe people and try to learn from their mistakes. I'm not a parent, just a keen observer of the human condition.
                                                  [–]billbixbyakahulk 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
                                                  Oh, dude, STFU with your "keen" observer bullshit. First of all, a child is important but that doesn't mean parents' life is "nothing" just so you can be a "decent" parent. Second, many/most parents understanding there's sacrifice but didn't realize the depth of it, or how, over years, it can break down a relationship with a spouse, or how a spouse can change completely from before a kid. It is really one of those things you become convinced can't happen to you until it does, but you had a kid, and now you have to figure out how to deal with it.
                                                  [–]themannamedme 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  They are kids,fuck kid i hate kids.
                                                  [–]jcraig312 0 points1 point2 points  (8 children)
                                                  I'm not the hugest fan of how I have changed since having kids. We have 2 girls. One is 4 1/2 years and one is 4 months. They are my absolute everything. I don't know what I would do without them. But my patience is just gone. Im frustrated a lot easier, I don't have the imagination of a 4 year old so a lot of things that she does are really annoying lol. But she makes me laugh. And I feel horrible for being annoyed by her. My husband and I married when I was 19 and he was 20. We decided right off the bat we wanted to have kids. I was never really fond of kids because I was 19 and couldn't relate to them and was grossed out by baby poop and spit up and I have a phobia of puking so when my husband and 4 year old both got a nasty stomach virus it about killed me. But I knew I'd be just fine having kids with him because he is literally my soul mate. And he's great with kids. I was not prepared for the sleepless nights for 2 years. Or all night nursing sessions with our youngest now (bottle fed our first because I couldn't breastfeed), she literally does not actually go to sleep for a significant amount of time until 5 am. And it's exhausting. I wasn't quite ready to lose all of my new freedom. I mean I was 20 and just got married and then had kids immediately, so I had like 2 years of freedom from finishing high school and dating my husband until we got married, then none. I miss the quiet alone time with my husband. Granite, we do make the time happen whenever we can. Most of all I wasn't ready for the exhaustion. I totally do not regret them, I just wish we had waited longer. Those 2 girls light up my world. We do everything together. They're my little buddies and I love them so much.
                                                  [–]Scotchmoss 1 point2 points3 points  (6 children)
                                                  May I reply that the early years ARE a LOT of work (that is why it is great to do it young), but my 2 girls are now 22 and 24, and they are absolutely my BEST friends. I never feel so free nor laugh so hard than when I spend time with them. They are my everything. Unlike you, I only wish I had not waited so long. I was 36 and 38 when I had them. I have just turned 60. I will not be young for my grandchildren, and when I go my only regret will be not being able to have more time with them. You are lucky, you will have such a full life with them, and grandkids some day. That is the bright side of having them early.
                                                  [–]jcraig312 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
                                                  Thank you so much for your reply. We are now 24 and 25 hearing both birthdays so all of our friends are around our age as well and all anyone wants to tell me is how hard it's going to be to have teenage girls. I know in my heart I was meant to be a mother to girls. They are absolutely amazing. But yes, I fully believe the early years are the hardest and we just started it all over again. So the exhaustion is clouding my views of the future lol. So thank you for reminding me how great it'll be. I know it'll get easier and that's why I try so hard to make the most of the baby and kid years because they go by so fast. You sound like a great mom, and I hope I'm that way as well!
                                                  [–]Diarygirl [score hidden]  (3 children)
                                                  I don't know why people say things like how hard it will be to have teenage daughters. It's almost like they're wishing bad things for you because they had a terrible experience.
                                                  I have two grown sons now, and I'm not gonna lie, some things get harder and some get easier. I sometimes miss the days when my kisses could cure booboos because it's hard to find words when their hearts get broken.
                                                  Now they're my friends and they would do almost anything for me. I'm so proud of having raised two great sons.
                                                  [–]jcraig312 [score hidden]  (2 children)
                                                  Having to help your children with broken hearts is the scariest thing for me because it'll break my heart to see them hurt like that when there's not much I can do about it. When all of my friends started having kids I tried to encourage them the best I could. Kids are hard, but they're so rewarding as well. I wish people didn't always tell you such negative things. Just because you had a bad kid, doesn't mean I will. I mean, it generally stems from the parenting and not everyone parents the same. I'm happy to hear good stories of what my future entails, thank you for your reply!
                                                  [–]Diarygirl [score hidden]  (1 child)
                                                  Just don't listen to the naysayers. You seem like a very positive person, and so I am, and some people don't like that.
                                                  [–]jcraig312 [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  I feel like being positive is the only thing that's gotten me through hard times in my life. Try to find the light in everything, and if you can't, know that it won't be dark forever.
                                                  [–]jcraig312 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                                                  Also to touch on you not being young for your grandkids, my grandparents adopted me when I was 18 months old. My biological mother has been in my life the whole time, and was a terrible influence. I would not be where I am if it wasn't for my parents. But that also means that they are the great grandparents of my girls, and they are in their late 60s (though youd never know, my mom has only started to get a few health problems in the last year) so they won't get a whole lot of time with them (or me) and that does bother me. But my 4 year old adores her nana and grandpa and I pray everyday that my youngest gets at least a good several years with them. I know you'll be a fantastic grandmother and the time you do get with them is what matters.
                                                  [–]StonehengeMan [score hidden]  (2 children)
                                                  I'll be downvoted to Hades but as a dad to 4 kids I just wanted to chime in.
                                                  It gets better. A lot better.
                                                  They turn into little people with opinions and a totally new view on life. They'll amuse you. And infuriate you. They will stomp their feet and say they hate you. They'll date morons. And then they grow up a bit more and all is well. Then one day they'll announce they're having kids and wait for it YOU NOW GET TO SPOIL YOUR GRANDKIDS AND REVENGE IS SOOOOOOOO SWEEEET! :)
                                                  tl;dr It's crap for a while but it gets loads better. Keep the faith.
                                                  [–]serapica [score hidden]  (0 children)
                                                  How does that answer the question?
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                                                      [–]SnatchMonster -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
                                                      I wouldn't call it regret but realising that you've taken on probably the biggest responsibility in life can really be overwhelming. The stress and joy balance each other out, I wouldn't have it any other way though. My wife and I are considering having another child but the hardest part of raising a child overall is the newborn stage, for me at least. They're just so fragile. At the same time I don't want to extend the time I have to revolve my life around raising another child. I'd like to be able to go back to being selfish in my 40's, not my late 50's...at best.
                                                      [–]MRAII -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
                                                      Being a parent is the most difficult things I've ever done--the constant grind of it wears on you BUT it is the most amazing thing, the love, the connection you feel with another human being, one that thinks your are the most wonderful thing--it's not like anything else you will ever experience. I would hate to think I missed out on one of the best experiences of my life--it is difficult but I wouldn't give it up for anyway.
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                                                                  [–]pachap -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
                                                                  Yes, it is amazingly difficult, even more than I thought it would be, for all of the reasons outlined in all the great responses above. What I and my wife have done to try and keep our relationship happy is find a common hobby. At least once a month, I pack everybody up, and we go fishing at the pier. It gets us outside, it's convenient, and it's not all that expensive of a day. Helps keep some sanity in us.
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                                                                      [–]Shinya_Aoki -11 points-10 points-9 points  (7 children)
                                                                      I regret having kids because I'm constantly under attack and at risk for being extorted for money. I have around 5 kids that are most likely mine, never wanted kids and never shied around the fact that I'd never support or be in their lives. My attorneys are great and they've been dragging child support out as long as possible (more than 2 years now) but if enough of my exes wise up and start doing everything right to "make me" pay child support, even my attorneys tell me I'll eventually have to pay or move back to my home country where I have family and where they don't have any child support agreements with the US. Truth is that I kind of want to move back anyways so if it happens sooner than later I wouldn't mind, its just the "not knowing of when its coming" that is nerve racking.
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