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Custody of newborn (self.legaladvice)

beardlikegimli が 投稿

I'm giving birth this week and not putting the father on the certificate, even though I know who it is. He terrifies me and his father is an actual murderer and gang member. My question would be, when he inevitably takes me to court, would it have looked bad on me that I didn't call him when the baby was born? I don't want him or his family at the hospital or around my house, considering everything they've been into. His brother is a drug addict and his mom married several abusive/molestive men. My dad is a sheriff and I've been living with him since the break up, so felons can't even be around our house. I really don't want to call him, not because I just don't want to, but because he scares me and I don't know what he'll do to our baby. We were also never married and baby is taking my last name. MO, USA.

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[–]Erin42 41ポイント42ポイント  (39子コメント)

You didn't give your location, so I'm going to be vague.

If you are not married and there is no presumed father, you have sole custody and don't have to tell him anything.

IANAL

[–]beardlikegimli[S] 9ポイント10ポイント  (38子コメント)

I meant when he takes me to court. Because he says he will, and he says he'll get a DNA test. I've hired a lawyer but I don't meet with her until next week and baby is coming probably tomorrow.

[–]Erin42 40ポイント41ポイント  (36子コメント)

Again, you don't have to tell him anything. You're not married, I assume you've not had a prenatal DNA test, there is no legally presumed father. And frankly, courts are hesitant to take newborns away from their mothers anyways, if he really is a murdering gang member then that's even more reason for them to keep the child with you.

Hope the birth goes well! Try not to stress about the crazy ex at this time. Relax and take care of yourself and the baby. You've got an appointment with an attorney, so just try to put it out of your mind until then.

[–]beardlikegimli[S] 5ポイント6ポイント  (35子コメント)

His dad is the gang member. He just used to be a druggy. He was my rebelling against my dad haha. So I will try and worry about me and baby instead of him, I just don't want my daughter around him or his family in the slightest.

[–]Erin42 25ポイント26ポイント  (34子コメント)

Got it. I misread about the gang member. Sorry!

Still, when the time comes and you're working with your attorney, you can claim an unsafe environment. I can't speak about your local court, but it's pretty standard to not give custody to someone that will put the child in harms way.

Side note: If you are breastfeeding, that is taken into account. I recommend it anyways for the obvious health reasons, but nursing mothers are often (in my area at least) given much more time (read: dad gets less time) when the baby is breastfeeding.

[–]beardlikegimli[S] 19ポイント20ポイント  (33子コメント)

I am breast feeding 100%.

[–]Breakuptrain 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Great! So many benefits.

[–]GutchSeeker -60ポイント-59ポイント  (31子コメント)

And you can pump.. That doesn't make gang member dad not the dad.

[–]Fuego_pants 30ポイント31ポイント  (17子コメント)

Pumping is possible, but pumping when the baby is teeny tiny is typically not very effective and if you exclusively pump instead of nurse, it can sometimes be harder to establish a supply. Most judges aren't going to force the mother to pump and let the child go overnight somewhere until the baby is older. Youngest I've seen to get overnights when mom is breastfeeding is 4 months. However, OP should get a pump because the dad will get visits during the day, at least, and she will need to send milk with the baby during those visits.

[–]Erin42 10ポイント11ポイント  (15子コメント)

The AAP recommends exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months, with supplemental breastfeeding continuing until 12 months or longer.

While that's not a legal issue in itself, if mother is following those recommendations (and the recommendations of the pediatrician), it is a valid argument to use in court.

(I'm not disagreeing with you, just providing more info.)

[–]Fuego_pants 1ポイント2ポイント  (8子コメント)

I totally agree it's a good argument to use. I've used it before. However, it's almost certainly not going to trump dad's right to see the baby. Also, I may be wrong, but I believe the EBF recommendation refers to the breast milk versus formula, as opposed to getting the breast milk directly from the tap.

[–]Erin42 15ポイント16ポイント  (11子コメント)

Pumping is not equal to breastfeeding. There is much more to it than what tap it comes from.

[–][削除されました]  (3子コメント)

[removed]

    [–]Erin42 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

    That was honestly not my intent. It's just one of many factors. I apologize if mentioning it in any context was offensive. i only mentioned it because it can come up in custody proceedings with babies.

    [–]NapalmenatorQuality Contributor[M] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

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    [–]dwarf_ewok 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

    There are two major benefits from breastfeeding. One is psychological, and results from being held close with skin contact that you don't get from using a bottle.

    The other - the nutritional benefit - is not the same from a bottle either as many of the beneficial compounds decay over time and even some of the vitamins will deteriorate in the air during bottle feeding.

    Especially in the first few months, there's no replacement for nursing. Pumping is used more for keeping up the milk supply than for feeding.

    [–]egasilyac 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

    You will not get in trouble for not listing him as the father on the birth certificate OR calling him to be there for the birth. Until the baby is born anyways, YOU are the patient at the hospital and everything that happens there is your choice.

    IMHO, when they ask you about the father (when you're filling out info for the birth certificate), you can say unknown. It will make you look irresponsible in your sexuality and could be embarrassing BUT it may be better because that way you maintain that you weren't sure.

    Until you go to court and come up with some type of parenting plan, do not worry. These things do not happen very quickly. Also, breastfeed. I am EBF my 6 month old son, and it is wonderful. Not only that but you will have the majority of the time with your child until the child is weaned.

    ALSO: tip: in court, refer to your child as "this child" or "the child," not "my child" or other possessive sounding ways of saying it. Family court judges want everything to be as equal and fair as possible for both parents (within reason).

    Good luck and safe delivery! You can message me if you need any more advice. I had a lot of custody issues with my older son (5 y/o).

    [–]dwarf_ewok 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

    You have every right to want your privacy until the child and you are safe and sound. No hospital is going to admit anyone against your wishes because they know how difficult and stressful childbirth is and how important it is for you to get your rest and focus on your kid for the duration of your stay. The number one indicator of a successful outcome is your comfort.

    If having him or relatives there will stress you out, make sure the hospital staff know they are unwelcome ahead of time and they will haul them out if anyone shows up.

    It sounds like you've already notified the father. Nothing more is required. Take care of yourself and kiddo!

    [–]GutchSeeker 3ポイント4ポイント  (44子コメント)

    If the dad files for paternity, the court will more than likely order the kiddo will have a paternity test. You will need to deal with it. You can speak to a family law attorney and get representation.

    Just like he can't say "I forget making a baby" you can't say "I forgot to say I had a baby"

    Might want to talk to your folks.

    [–]beardlikegimli[S] 12ポイント13ポイント  (43子コメント)

    He knows I'm pregnant, as I said. I am just choosing not to tell him when she's born. He knows the due date. He can file for a court order for the test. So I don't think I'm in the wrong. And you also aren't supposed to pump or use a bottle for the first month of breast feeding, as it causes nipple confusion.
    None of what I'm asking is illegal, I was just asking what it would look like in the eyes of the court. But in the eyes of the court, he's a danger. He's already been harassing me and I have proof of it. It was more of a moral delema than "hey, can I say he's not the dad."

    [–]Fuego_pants 14ポイント15ポイント  (25子コメント)

    This first part isn't legal advice, but rather breast feeding advice. Nipple confusion is widely acknowledged now as not a real thing. Talk to local members of your La Leche League or go to Kelly Mom.com for some great info.

    You can absolutely choose to not put him on the birth certificate. Nothing wrong with waiting for a DNA test.

    As for not calling when the baby is born, if he's been threatening you, then definitely don't call. Focus on yourself and the baby.

    [–]dwarf_ewok 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

    No, no it's not. Please stop giving out medical advice unless you have some clue what you're talking about.

    From La Leche League: "Fact: Breast and bottle feeding require different oral-motor skills, and rubber nipples provide a type of "super stimulus" that babies may imprint upon instead of the softer breast. As a result, some babies develop suck confusion and apply inappropriate suckling techniques to the breast when they switch between breast and bottle."

    http://www.llli.org/nb/lvaprmay98p21nb.html

    [–]Fuego_pants 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

    See how I said "look at LLL or Kellymom for great info"? Yeah. That. Also, many pediatrician I've talked to agree that the risk of nipple confusion is widely overrated. I have many friends that are lactation consultants. They agree.

    [–]FrankieAK 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

    If he has been harrasing you I would say first thing you need to do is look into a restraining order. You can also get cps involved and let them know what's going on because they will help you as well.

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    Original Post:

    Author: /u/beardlikegimli

    Custody of newborn

    I'm giving birth this week and not putting the father on the certificate, even though I know who it is. He terrifies me and his father is an actual murderer and gang member. My question would be, when he inevitably takes me to court, would it have looked bad on me that I didn't call him when the baby was born? I don't want him or his family at the hospital or around my house, considering everything they've been into. His brother is a drug addict and his mom married several abusive/molestive men. My dad is a sheriff and I've been living with him since the break up, so felons can't even be around our house. I really don't want to call him, not because I just don't want to, but because he scares me and I don't know what he'll do to our baby. We were also never married and baby is taking my last name.