I made a comment yesterday about how I can’t even tell my friends about my surrendering and my deference to my SO for fear of being ridiculed, mocked and even told I was doing it wrong. I wanted to take some time to explore this just a bit and also to develop some ideas on how to handle this in a feminine way that would preserve my relationships outside of my romantic one.

So let’s talk business first.

Crabs in a bucket or Crab Mentality is a term used to describe a common social group phenomenon wherein ones success incites negative or diminishing reactions from other members of the group. I think we have all experienced this when we try to lose weight, start using makeup, begin to defer to our SO’s. It can be infuriating that no one seems to be outwardly supportive of your choices, yet we cannot get rid of our friends all together. So what do we do? How can we navigate dealing with people who under the guise of concern or maybe even overtly try to diminish our goals and successes to fit within the social matrix that we have already created for ourselves?

Before the relationship

To begin with, finding and vetting friends is important in that we can begin to limit the negative energy we allow within our lives. Now we already have friends and family that are a part of our lives so we can’t just get rid of them and start again. However, new people that we meet and allow to enter our lives IS within our power. Right here and right now, you can choose who gets a piece of your time. That is within your right to do. Understand that the people who exude positive energy are few and far between. When you do get someone like that in your life, embrace them and cherish what they have to offer for they are only bringing good into your life.

Established relationships

Now this is the tricky part. There are three types of relationships that can be exhibited already. The mutualistic relationship, the parasitic relationship, and the toxic relationship. This isn’t to say that your relationships fall solely under one of these categories, and in fact within a single conversation can exhibit all three. The most rewarding relationships, I have found, fall mostly within the mutualistic respect and never fall into toxic region.

We all benefit

In a mutualistic relationship, both you and the other person benefit from each other. This is to say that you both enjoy each others company. You both support one another. You both exhibit traits that the other person finds soothing, amusing, exciting, fulfilling, rewarding, etc. Most friendships are like this, else why would you call them friends. These types of friends are genuinely happy for you and consider your successes as examples and non-threatening to their own status. Again, most friends can exhibit this type of behavior with a bit of coaxing but I don’t think it is the default in most female social matrix to congratulate and laud your behaviors reflexively. Take this interaction as an example

Girl One: I am thinking about losing a few lbs.

Girl Two: What are you talking about? You look great how you are right now!

Now this interaction outwardly seems like 2 is being supportive of her friend by telling her that she looks great how she is. This is what friends are supposed to do. Yet, this does fall into the crabs in a bucket mentality. She neither, supported her friends choice, nor her friends vision for her life. Under the guise of support, she wasn’t really being supportive. Now look at example two:

Girl One: I am thinking about losing a few lbs.

Girl Two: That is so great! How do you plan on doing it? Diet? Exercise? Maybe we can take a Pilates class together.

This example is more of a supportive statement. Girl 2 demonstrated she supports her friend. So much so that she is even willing to join her on her weight loss goals. Of course this conversation could have gone a lot of ways but as you can see, sometimes innocuous statements don’t actually carry the message of support. They carry a more negative connotation that is tearing down the others right to navigate their life as they see fit.

However, BOTH fall under the supportive category. That is why I say MOST of your friend probably already fall into this category. Girl 2 in scenario 1 just wanted to assuage any insecurities her friend had about weight. It stems from an altruistic place. (You can definitely tell when someone is tearing you down because they are being a bitch but more on that in a bit.)

So how do you deal with those small paper cuts of negative messages from your friends? My personal tried and true method to diffuse this is simply to smile and reinforce that your choice is for your benefit. In the example above Girl 1 would have replied (with a smile of course)

“oh thank you. I just want to make sure I am my best self.”

9 out of 10 times, your friend will then drop it and be supportive. That is how a great friendship goes. You don’t need to blather on about how fat you are, no need to reinforce how shitty a person you are to your SO and your need to defer to them, no need to remind them about how much you have been drinking lately and aa is the only way to go. The key is to reinforce that you just want to be better then move on.

I do for you something you can't do for yourself

The next kind of relationship is the parasitic. Now, when I meet new people who are like this I insta-next them if it is a dominant trait. I ain’t got time fo that shit. However, before becoming more mindful, I let all sorts of people into my life. Some are aggressively parasitic, others are mildly. They range. Even some friends who I consider to be supportive can sometimes require more of me than I am prepared to give because of certain life events. I’ve also got family members who are like this. Always asking for more. I can’t get rid of these people, they have their good qualities too.

When you find that you are talking to them, they often react with a more overt tear down. Lets revisit the 2 girls talking.

Girl one: I think I want to be more submissive to my boyfriend

Girl two: Why would you want to do that? What does he do for you?

Now this is an obvious slap in the face for girl one. She expresses that she would like to try out something new in her relationship, but the idea of submission to girl 2 just does not compute. Instead of doing the small tear like a supportive friend would, she outwardly tries to sabotage the decision girl 1 made. This is where a smile and a reinforcement often get met with more opposition and can escalate to an argument if not navigated properly. Why is does this fall under parasitic relationships? Girl 2 is trying to retain their social standing within the dynamic you have. Should you choose to submit more to your SO, you could potentially become less available to your friend and therefore start to eliminate your friends resource… you. You bettering yourself means that your become a more valuable resource to others and they lose their standing with you. A parasite DOES NOT WANT THAT. Greedy little fuckers eh?!?!? This extends to all types of actions you want to take to get better. Should you want to stop drinking, your friend might say “but we’ve got a party this weekend” or should you want to start dressing up more your friend might say “you don’t need to change for anyone!” Both of those statements might be true, but they actively work against you bettering yourself and realizing your vision for your life.

The way I navigate these types of interactions is by smiling, reinforcing that what I want is for my better, then reinforcing my friend or family members position with me. In the example above Girl 1 might have said the following:

”I really think it would be better for our relationship. Plus, with this new dynamic, I’ll need to gab it up with you about all my mess ups :)

Or in scenario one.

”It’ll be healthier for me to live this new lifestyle and think of all the new restaurants we can go try out together.”

In both you are standing firm on your choice yet also assuring the other person that you are going to be there with them still through the change. These kinds of people often just want to know that even if you change you will still be their friend. They need to be assured of their position in your life and just giving that to them in a simple statement can diffuse the situation.

Insert Britney Spears reference

Finally, the toxic relationship. YIKES!! My best advice would be to cut these assholes out of your life. However, if you are like me you can’t just do that. If you look at my history you’ll find that I have a deeply toxic relationship that I cannot for the life of me cut out. Thats with my mother. Small side story. My grandmother before she passed was also a toxic relationship. The moment she saw you she would IMMEDIATELY tell you something to tear you down. “You look terrible today” or “you could play the drums on that fat belly of yours”. Not joking. So I have had a lot of experience dealing with people who just want to outright tear you down.

I recently had a conversation with my aunt about this. My aunt asked “why can’t I just pretend to go along with whatever it is that she says? My interaction with her is so limited, I just want to pretend like she is right but she just gets under my skin and I can’t bear the weight of her comments anymore”. The more I thought about it the more I realized, it isn’t our default to want to be fake. We are our own selves and we want to be respected for our thoughts and actions. We don’t want to have to pretend to be someone else just to shut someone up. Even in the name of preserving the peace.

So how can you navigate relationship that demand you to be fake? It has been my experience that people who are toxic want to A) be right and also B) be involved. In my grandmothers example when she told me I look like shit, I simply say “You think so? What should I do about it?” This will get them to engage in managing your life. Just let them talk and let them think they are fixing you. This requires no action on your part whatsoever. Just listen and nod and say “I’ll think about that” or “maybe I’ll try that next time”.

In all of these types of relationships you will find a common thread of you remaining cool and confident in your choices. No one can tell you what is best for you and ultimately Haters gonna hate whatever your life choices may be.