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submitted by kashdfkjh
My wife and I have been together for 4 years, married for 8 months. Late last night we were lying in bed post-sex, her head on my shoulder. We were talking about kids. Names and such. A few minutes go by of no talking. Then she says, "with all of the problems, you've had with your height... Maybe we should think about getting a sperm donor." I was completely shocked. After a few seconds of silence she says "sweety?" and looks up at me. I close my eyes instantly and present to be asleep.
How could she ask me that? I can't even begin to explain how much it hurts to know she doesn't think I'm good enough to father her children. I lay awake all last night unable to sleep. In the past I've told her about my insecurities - the way some girls have treated me because of my height, as you do when you trust someone. It's not fair and it sucks to be judged on something you can't change, but I'm still successful and looked up to by people (figuratively, not physically of course :P).
I've never once suggested sperm donation, she thought it up all on her own. I honestly don't know what to say to her about this. There is virtually nothing that she could have said that would have hurt me more, surely she knows that. I have a tendency of biting my tongue, sucking it up and saying nothing, but I feel like I have to say something. I am honestly considering walking out on her. In what universe is it okay to ask a man something like that? I need some kind of advice. Is this an okay question to ask? Am I overreacting?
tl;dr: I was lying in bed with my wife when she asked if we should get a sperm donor. I have no how to approach this situation, or what to do.
EDIT: I thought I'd give a little more info for those that are interested. I've only discussed my height with my wife on two occasions. They were both those mutual "I love you so much and I want to know everything about you moments." We talked about the people we dated, our past relationships, rejections and insecurities. Yes, it was a pussy move to pretend I was asleep, but I had literally no idea how to respond, so it was the easiest way to get some time to think. There are some huge leaps happening, so I'll just say that I've never been bullied because of my height. The only time I've ever been insecure about my height is in the dating realm. Even then, it was only for the brief period after summoning the courage to ask a girl out and being told "sorry I don't date short guys." Oh, and I'm 5'4
top 200 commentsshow all 462
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[–]dcolt 125 points126 points127 points  (0 children)
There is virtually nothing that she could have said that would have hurt me more
You need to sit her down and tell her this. In just these words.
That's the only way you're going to be able to even start to resolve this.
Good luck.
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[–]beccaTHEhuman 399 points400 points401 points  (56 children)
Oh, wow. That's rough, so sorry to hear about that. But you two are married and you're going to have to explain to her that was very hurtful. Good luck to you.
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[–]SerenaSapphire 56 points57 points58 points  (55 children)
oh my god there is no way she doesn't know how that would sound to him, she just doesn't give a shit
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[–]mikaelhg 224 points225 points226 points  (22 children)
About as smart as "Dear, you're a bit flat-chested. Maybe we should consider adoption, instead of putting our daughter through that?" A marriage-ending sentence.
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[–]kimb00 37 points38 points39 points  (20 children)
OK. How about the other way around? What if wife was constantly complaining about how her large breasts gave her major back issues/insecurities as a child, so she had an [extremely painful] breast reduction? It's definitely an insensitive comment, but I don't think she intended to be cruel.
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[–]capsulet 28 points29 points30 points  (4 children)
There are some huge leaps happening, so I'll just say that I've never been bullied because of my height. The only time I've ever been insecure about my height is in the dating realm. Even then, it was only for the brief period after summoning the courage to ask a girl out and being told "sorry I don't date short guys."
OP has not been constantly complaining about it. This is all his wife.
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[–]kimb00 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
Yea. So then his reaction doesn't make sense. If he has no issues with his height the his response [instead of pretending to be asleep. wth.] should've been:
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I have no issues with my height.... Do you have issues with my height?"
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[–]hur_hur_boobs 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
Of course his reaction makes sense. His wife basically told him, "You know, I don't think you're good enough to father my children but good enough to pay for them and me the rest of your life"
That shit is fucked up coming from the person you love
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[–]capsulet -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
I completely agree. But some people are like OP where they completely shut down in the face of conflict. He says he needed time to think, but it seems like a case of too scared to deal with it.
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[–]pennypuptech 30 points31 points32 points  (2 children)
i think you're right.
Breast Reduction surgery is certainly a lot tougher than "make-me-taller-by-adding-rods-into-my-limbs" surgery.
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[–]imdwalrus 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
Man, and just wait until you try passing those rods on genetically!
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[–]motdidr 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Gattaca
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[–]patchy_doll 5 points6 points7 points  (6 children)
Man I don't which reductions you've been reading about... most I've read about were uncomfortable at worst (barring unexpected complications), and mine was downright boring with how painless it was.
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[–]kimb00 -1 points0 points1 point  (5 children)
I think it really depends on the degree of reduction and how long you need to keep the shunt in.
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[–]patchy_doll 0 points1 point2 points  (4 children)
Changing your comment changes the context of mine, thanks.
Originally it was along the much simpler line of "What if she had to get an [extremely painful] breast reduction?" with no mention of a specific situation. I responded to a generalization with a reminder that all situations are not equal... and even with your current edit - which describes the situation I was in exactly - I still feel my observation sits.
In any case - this disagreement no real impact on the argument on hand, not worth fussing or defending much over.
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
... I didn't change my comment. There's no edit.
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[–]patchy_doll 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
Oh - hot dang I must have been distracted when I first read it then. Whoops, my derp!
... I still feel like my comment stands to note that a reduction done well is not typically "extremely painful" except in extreme circumstances such as complications.
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
The two women I know who got it done were out of commission for several weeks and complained about a lot of pain. That's absolutely anecdotal, but my original comment did have the 'extremely painful' part in brackets as I realize that's not the case with all.
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[–]MyReal1 68 points69 points70 points  (3 children)
Being short or flat isn't even close to having back issues due to large beasts. I shouldn't even have to explain why, just stop.
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[–]scubahookah -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
I really feel bad for girls that have to deal with this, my girlfriend is super petite but has very large breasts and she has awful back pain. It's something a lot of people don't think about.
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[–]flaming_douchebag 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
And because of that he should suggest that they adopt? And that would be okay in your book? "You had very large breasts so maybe we shouldn't have children together" is an okay conversation for a man to have with his wife?
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[–]floppymammarygland 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
A marriage-ending, bend over I'm not using lube during what will be an epic divorce-raping, sentence
FTFY
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[–]codeverity 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
There are plenty of people who have foot-in-mouth moments like that, there's no way for us to make an assumption like that without knowing more about her.
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[–]TheGangsHeavy 35 points36 points37 points  (24 children)
From the description it sounds like OP has mentioned a lot of insecurities related to his height. She probably has been thinking about it and didn't want to see her own child go through that bullying. Mom's suffer just as much when their children get hurt like that. She obviously didn't present the idea in the best way though, considering OP's clearly insecure about it. That doesn't make her a horrible person. Never attribute to malice what can be sufficiently explained by stupidity.
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[–]boomberrybella 50 points51 points52 points  (20 children)
Twice. He said he's talked about his height with her twice over four years.
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[–]Wittgenfine 18 points19 points20 points  (12 children)
I think he needs to elaborate a little on what exactly was said in those two instances. Did he mention it in passing, or were they big talks about how his height has affected him? Given that he can remember them so specifically, I'm inclined to think that they were big talks.
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[–]boomberrybella 6 points7 points8 points  (9 children)
Well, I'm wondering if she started the conversation. Sounds like his height doesn't bother him so I don't see why he'd bring it up. He's pretty clear that he's OK with it and has never held him back. I'd bet she asked him if he didn't like being short and any insecurities he had.
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[–]Wittgenfine 8 points9 points10 points  (8 children)
He's said that it doesn't bother him now, but he also said that it used to be a big issue for him in the past. I'm thinking maybe he used to get bullied for it when he was younger, or maybe it caused a lot of confidence issues for him.
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[–]boomberrybella 7 points8 points9 points  (7 children)
This doesn't really read as bullying or an insecurity to me.
it made me a little insecure, but in the sense that I wanted a girl to accept me for my height, not that I wanted to be taller.
Everyone has insecurities, especially when they're young. You can't prevent it no matter whose sperm you get. It's silly to try.
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (5 children)
This doesn't really read as bullying or an insecurity to me.
No, but his reaction sure does.
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[–]boomberrybella 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
I don't understand. How is wanting to be with a partner who doesn't see your physical attributes negatively come across as insecure?
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[–]Wittgenfine 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yes, I agree with you. I'm only saying that maybe his wife is feeling this way.
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[–]codeverity 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
It also depends on how he sounded about it. Was it just an offhand comment or really passionate, he sounded incredibly hurt and upset, etc.
I mean, either way I think she screwed up massively, but I do think the context matters.
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[–]OceanRacoon 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I'm inclined to think that they were big talks.
Two times. He mentioned it two times in their entire relationship so you have to bend that knowledge in a way that still fits your narrative of him being insecure and obsessed with his height, coming up with the bullshit explanation that they were 'big talks'. Bullshit.
You did these mental acrobatics to avoid the obvious conclusion that the wife doesn't like his height, care about his feelings or want him to be the father of her children because she wants tall children.
That is what is actually going on here, none of this bullshit about OP being insecure. Most of you aren't even addressing what the wife said, you're just banging on about OP and making up shite
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[–]Ray_adverb12 13 points14 points15 points  (1 child)
I really fucking doubt this. I've known too many guys under 5'7 to believe that he's only mentioned his height twice in half a decade
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[–]boomberrybella 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Okay... I know too many guys under 5'7 that I have talked about their heights with once or twice over a decade. If you want a specific, my boyfriend and I have talked about our heights exactly twice in six years. People do exist that are fine with their short stature. We're really not imaginary, I swear.
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[–]TheGangsHeavy 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
Where does it say that?
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[–]boomberrybella 6 points7 points8 points  (3 children)
Right here.
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[–]TheGangsHeavy 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
Well that wasn't in the original description so I didn't take that into account with my answer. At the same time, I don't think OP's wife has a major problem with his height if she married him. OP says he's fully confident in his height and he doesn't talk about it much so she may not have thought that could bother him. Or maybe OP isn't as confident as he says he is and doesn't realize he's showing problems with his height. This is the problem with /r/relationships. We're only getting one side of a story that's probably somewhat biased on some level. We don't know for sure what's going on in his wife's head. All we know is she brought something up that rightfully hurt OP's feelings. Pretty much all he can do and what he should do is ask her why she said that and explain how it made him feel. He did the exact opposite of what he should have by pretending to be asleep and keeping that bottled up.
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[–]ugottahvbluhair 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
It seems weird that he specifically remembers it only being discussed twice.
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[–]boomberrybella 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
I don't think so. I know exactly how many times my SO have discussed our heights.
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[–]dinosaur_train 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
Ahh. Fuck. You are right. He made a big deal about how a generic trait fucked his childhood. She doesn't have experience and wondered if he'd rather not inflict the same on their kid. I think she was probably flippant about it but he's scared so he's taken this a bit too hard.
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[–]GrizzledFart 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
He made a big deal about how a generic trait fucked his childhood.
Imagine if she had complained several times about being overweight and some months later, immediately after sex, he asked her if she wanted to get an egg donor from a woman who wasn't so overweight. He'd rather not inflict that on the kids, of course.
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[–]OceanRacoon 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
considering OP's clearly insecure about it.
You are all completely making this up. Half of you are railroading OP and repeatedly saying he is insecure when he is quite clearly not.
OP's wife is just insensitive, hasn't come to terms with his height and wants her children to be tall, so much so that she doesn't give a fuck about her husband's feelings or him being the father of their children, which is sick
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[–]cookiepusss 2 points3 points4 points  (5 children)
Then why would she say that? He doesn't say she's a huge asshole who is always insulting him.
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[–]SerenaSapphire -2 points-1 points0 points  (4 children)
my guess is that she already has the sperm doner chosen and it isn't a sperm bank
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[–]cookiepusss 16 points17 points18 points  (2 children)
Well... that's quite the leap.
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[–]smithersss3 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
well MY guess is that she's already pregnant because she cheated on him with a 6'8" man and now she's trying to cover it up!!
this sub...
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[–]cookiepusss 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Hahahahahah you're right dammit! Fooled again!
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[–]randopaul 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I would bet my long shapely legs this is the case.
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[–]cookiepusss 581 points582 points583 points  (112 children)
" "with all of the problems, you've had with your height... Maybe we should think about getting a sperm donor.""
Actually, it seems to me that she's reacting to your description of your experiences being short - not that she personally has a problem with it. Is this something you've complained about a lot? It is a horrible thing to say but if you've made a huge deal about being short, maybe she thinks it's that big of a deal for you.
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[–]Infammo 137 points138 points139 points  (4 children)
I've dated plenty of girls who were perpetually insecure about their looks or weight. I would never suggest we adopt to make sure our kids weren't as fat or ugly as them. The fact that he's historically been insecure about this is just more reason not to bring it up. If it were an option obviously he should be the one to field it. I don't see how she could push this unless shewas the one with an issue with his height.
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[–]biceps_tendon 87 points88 points89 points  (1 child)
Thank you! I'm female and you expressed exactly what I thought when reading this thread. Many women complain about themselves constantly and I can't even begin to imagine the backlash if men took to recommending adoption or fertilizing someone else's (someone more attractive or skinny perhaps? Bigger rack? Less chubby thighs?) eggs so as not to burden his progeny with defective DNA.
I don't think she meant it maliciously, but it was a dumbass thing to say.
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[–]STEMhopeful 26 points27 points28 points  (0 children)
Yeah. It's like saying, look baby, you've mentioned that you're worried about having kids in your late 30s... so how about getting my young coworker pregnant instead?
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[–]shineyashoesguvna 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
100% this, I am absolutely perplexed as to his this is the top comment... It is disgusting to assume its okay for her to bring up this absurd suggestion. Honestly who the fuck does that!? Especially since it hasn't been some huge thing he is dwelling on about, but has merely mentioned it like twice in intimate conversation. What the absolute fuck.
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[–]cookiepusss -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
It sounds to me like something she sort of lazily said about an idea that went through her brain as they were falling asleep. But. who knows, maybe he married a woman who has a pathological problem with short people.
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[–]TheFireflies 233 points234 points235 points  (8 children)
This is my impression as well. Make no mistake, that's a hurtful thing to say, but maybe she worries about your child having the same insecurities you do? It doesn't sound (from this brief conversation) that she has a strong preference for it or anything.
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[–]IdontSparkle 13 points14 points15 points  (7 children)
It doesn't sound (...) that she has a strong preference for it or anything.
While you're willing to compromise for yourself, you want the best for your children. For her, the best is anyone's else genes..
Her logic is flawed. The point of OP was that, no matter how short he was and how badly he was treated by some individuals, he still managed to have a very happy life. Yet, what she got from this is that she's willing to have the prejudice of others dictate the filiation of her own family.
It's such hurtful thing to simply contemplate. If HE had started a conversation about it, then the question could have appeared but otherwise, no. That is not reasonable. I believe it shows she's not coming to terms with his height. It's one of the two possible scenarii. But the terrible way she dropped the bomb makes me lean toward this scenario instead.
The worst part is that while they were having sex she thought about it. She thought "I hope I don't get pregnant tonight from my husband", that's explain the terrible timing of the question.
Edit 1: rephrased last sentence of third paragraph.
Edit 2: the last paragraph about the timing is pure speculation,it's not very tastefully written and might be quite hurtful to OP. I'm leaving it there but I apologise.
Anyways, OP might give birth to top models or to your average Joe. Maybe they will have her big nose and her crooked teeth. Who knows. They won't be pefect, that is certain. At some point you have to put a limit to sheltering your kids. If you value individual worth based on physical features, you are not thinking right. She isn't currently thinking right and hurt OP quite deeply.
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[–]TheFireflies 28 points29 points30 points  (6 children)
I guess I still didn't get that impression - it's not about her being firsthand worried about her children, it's her being worried about him being worried about it. Or at least that's the point I was trying to make.
I totally agree that if she is in fact the one who's like "omg I don't want short children!" she should go kick rocks. I just wanted to clarify whether OP had ever indicated anything that might suggest he would be concerned about it first.
Side note: just because someone brings up something shortly after sex doesn't mean they were thinking about it during. My boyfriend and I have all kinds of weird pillow talk that pops into our heads in the minutes after.
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[–]IdontSparkle 5 points6 points7 points  (3 children)
I guess I still do.
He mentioned the bullying only twice in all those years and he's a successful proud man. He's happy. It feels like she's denying his happiness with this proposal. It seems totally out of the blue and so hurtful that I can't picture a reasonable mind coming up with this idea with a little of its own prejudice.
But my main point was:
Anyways, her logic is flawed. The point of OP was that, no matter how short he was and how badly he was treated by a few individuals, he still managed to be an accomplished professional who is/was happily married. Yet, what she got from this is that she's willing to have the prejudice of others dictate the filiation of her own family.
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[–]TheFireflies 7 points8 points9 points  (2 children)
I dunno, I guess I can see how if OP is massively insecure about his height (even subconsciously), his wife might be like "...do you not want the kids to go through that?" Even if it's just a rhetorical question. Even if it's just her socially awkward and terrible way of pointing out how much he projects that insecurity. Even if it's just feeling out whether that's something he wants, even if she doesn't
But at least I think we can all agree that if she's just like "UGH, I don't want my kids to be so fucking short can we just use a tall person's sperm?" she sucks.
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[–]IdontSparkle 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
I dunno, I guess I can see how if OP is massively insecure about his height
OP only mentioned his insecurities twice in his marriage, and seem proud of his professionnal & social accomplishment. I didn't see the portray of someone massively insecure based on his comment history.
But at least I think we can all agree that if she's just like "UGH, I don't want my kids to be so fucking short can we just use a tall person's sperm?" she sucks
Yes, but however I believe there are other more subtile scenarii in which her own prejudice is also playing. I don't think it's that binnary. Anyways, OP was hurt and he has reason to feel hurt. She should definitely apologise whatever her motives were.
The kids might not be top model and so what? Yes the kids will endure stress, whether they're short or tall, that's Life. Sheltering and protecting your children has a limit. Eugenics belong to the past, when physical features only defined people worth.
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[–]TheFireflies -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
OP only mentioned his insecurities twice in his marriage, and seem proud of his professionnal & social accomplishment. I didn't see the portray of someone massively insecure based on his comment history.
My comment was before he posted or I saw that follow-up.
The kids might not be top model and so what? Yes the kids will endure stress, whether they're short or tall, that's Life. Sheltering and protecting your children has a limit. Eugenics belong to the past, when physical features only defined people worth.
I don't disagree.
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[–]nowedger -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Dude how did you get the impression that this isn't about her not wanting short kods.....
Fucking Reddit
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[–]TheFireflies 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
...From the part where she said "with all of the problems you've had with your height." I'm not saying that she couldn't just be outrageous and way out of line (in fact, I specifically said that she's wrong if this isn't a case of her feeling out OP's insecurities), but I wanted to acknowledge this was a possibility - she could just potentially be trying to have a conversation with OP about his height concerns.
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[–]IdontSparkle 52 points53 points54 points  (10 children)
From OP's comment:
But I've literally only spoken to her about my height on two occasions
Yet, it remained in her head all that time. Including when they were having sex. She's not coming to terms with his height at all.
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[–]dcousineau 19 points20 points21 points  (4 children)
Eh, there are far more ways than OP deliberately bringing it up to notice someone's reactions to something like this.
It's also very likely she's noticed all the jokes his and her friends make about his height, and if they're married she likely knows his facial reactions and body language enough to know his discomfort. She doesn't have to hear from OP to know how he gets bullied about his height, she probably gets told the jokes "in confidence" by people who don't realize how hurtful they are.
People are excessively good at lying to themselves, OP is probably convinced he almost never brings up his height insecurities when it's likely all his friends (and wife) would disagree.
Mix in a possible fixation with OPs reactions to short jokes and bullying and an absolute desire for the best for her children, and I can totally see how OP's wife could think that this was an acceptable solution. It's obviously mistaken, but not likely malicious.
There's a lot we don't know and OP is never a reliable narrator especially when it comes to (negative) qualities about their-self (talking about insecurities with height is not intrinsically negative, but really focusing too much on it can be).
I personally think it's best to give the Wife an out, explain in detail the true nature of the sensitivity and how you would react to kids having the same issue. If the problem persists, then I'd say the wife still has problems with his height, but not yet.
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[–]IdontSparkle 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
...all the jokes his and her friends make about his height ... and body language enough to know his discomfort.
Maybe OP doesn't have middle school assh*le friends?
OP seems pretty confident based on his comments, he is proud of himself and of his accomplishments, no matter what are random strangers' prejudice. But she still views him as not fit to procreate... She's denying his own current happiness.
To think that prejudice of others should dictate the filiation of your own family is weird.
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[–]dcousineau 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Maybe OP doesn't have middle school assh*le friends?
I'm not a tall person (slightly below the American average, but right at the worldwide average) and still catch a lot of short jokes from my friends to my face. God knows how many get made that I never know about. And my friends are well known (in our industry) professionals, very smart and definitely not middle school assholes.
I also have a friend (in the same above circle) significantly shorter than me and the short jokes he gets are brutal (at least to me). And some if not many of them are made without him around or ever knowing. The thing is the jokes are coming from people who do love him and they are meant in a good natured ribbing fun, but that doesn't change the fact that they happen and maybe I'm reading too much into it but I feel like I can see some hurt behind his eyes while he rolls with the jokes (which is why I don't participate in making short jokes).
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[–]Reh2002 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
No, OP doesn't sound confident at all.
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[–]OceanRacoon 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I personally think it's best to give the Wife an out
What is going on in this thread? Imagine if he had said to her, "I know being ugly has been hard for you, so I don't want you to be the mother of my children, we should find someone attractive for me to impregnate."
You'd all be going fucking nuts. She doesn't deserve an out. She obviously has an issue with her children being the same height as her husband and more than likely wishes her husband was taller as well
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[–]cookiepusss 27 points28 points29 points  (4 children)
Yeah I find it hard to believe she has this secret horrible hatred of his height that she's never mentioned.
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[–]IdontSparkle 14 points15 points16 points  (3 children)
I meant the exact opposite of what you said. I think she's thinking "I settled for this, but I want the best for my children". To come up with such a fucked up idea, she obviously has a problem with his height.
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[–]cookiepusss 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
That would be really bizarre.
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[–]OceanRacoon 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
That a woman would have issues with her husband's height and want her children to be tall?
Yeah, completely unheard of and impossible, the multitude of polls on the topic and nigh infinite amount of anecdotal evidence mean nothing
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[–]cookiepusss -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Uh, no one forced her to date or marry him.
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[–]STEMhopeful 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
Even if it's a big deal for him, it's fucking stupid to suggest that he's not good enough to be the biological father of their children.
It's like asking if he's okay with her fucking someone else because of he's fat.
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[–]pistachio-pie 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
Yeah, that is how I interpreted it as well - that he has talked so much about his insecurities and hardships, and maybe she has looked at places like /r/short where they are all depressed and talk about the bullying and romantic failures and some of the stats on short people and career advancement, and she thinks that he might want their children to be better off than he was.
If she married him, she wouldn't give a shit about his height. It sounds like she is reacting more to his insecurity than her own opinions about height.
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[–]raygungoespew 52 points53 points54 points  (11 children)
I would give her this as an out. Phrase it pretty deliberately so she can hop on that train whether it's true or not. I think she'll get the clue and not bring it back up and you guys can just forget about it.
"I know in the past I made my height seem like an issue but I guess I didn't really express it right. Still, I'm glad you asked about the sperms donor but no, I love me, I love you, and I want to raise somebody who is a made from the two of us, no third parties. "
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[–]IdontSparkle 68 points69 points70 points  (3 children)
Still, I'm glad you asked about the sperms donor but no
This is a lie. He should be honest about how hurtful she was.
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[–]raygungoespew -7 points-6 points-5 points  (2 children)
No way. She was trying to just relieve their mutual children of stress, thinking it MAY be what he wanted. She shouldn't feel terrible for trying to open a dialogue.
Honesty is good. Talking about feelings is good. Sometimes it's more constructive to talk about thinkings though.
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[–]IdontSparkle 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Well, maybe their children will have her big nose, herdisgraceful bikini body and won't be perfect. Since when only top models are allowed to have kids without having to go through sperm banks?
If you want stress-free children, don't send them to school, don't have them play sports, and don't have them at all, it's the best way to avoid stress. Sheltering your children has a limit.
It's not an acceptable request. If you had a history of mental/physical disability in your family then it's a question you can ask. Otherwise no, it's not reasonable at all.
Having your husband think he genes might inflict pain and sadness into their children, is awful.
Moreover, the question was whether he was hurt. Yes he was. And he should be honest about it and not lie.
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[–]fuckitx 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Honesty is good. Therefore telling her that he is glad she brought up the sperm donor would be a big fat lie.
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[–]TheJulie 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
I might put it more like "I know that I might have given you the impression that being short has been a serious disadvantage for me, but it hasn't, and I'm proud of who I am, and if our child happens to be short, we'll make sure he/she is proud of who they are."
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[–]raygungoespew 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I like your way better.
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[–]holdtheolives 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
This is the best response. This issue is one of those that can be resolved by a long conversation about your wants and needs for the future.
OP wants a child that is biologically both of theirs. He needs his wife's support in dealing with the issues he'll come across as a short man.
If OP's wife is only concerned about the prejudices their kid may face, they can put together a hypothetical game plan for how they'd deal with their 6-year-old coming home crying because of bullying kids or their 16-year-old getting rejected by a girl he liked. If OP's wife wants a tall child for purely shallow reasons (which is unlikely, given that she married a short man), then she and OP can go to counseling or break it off.
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[–]OceanRacoon 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
This is one of the dumbest pieces of advice I've ever seen on /r/relationships. Give her an out? Why the fuck does she deserve an out and why the hell should OP be the one the cater to her feelings here?
Not to mention you're asking him to lie about his feelings on the issue, which will undoubtedly fester, for both of them. If you think the height thing isn't purely her concern for her children, you're naive. This is terrible, terrible and insensitive advice
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[–]raygungoespew -3 points-2 points-1 points  (1 child)
He doesn't need to voice every opinion he has and I think she got the point already based on his reaction. Maybe not, but this doesn't need to become bigger than it is. If she gets that he isn't into it, then she gets it.
What IF she was momentarily worried about their kids being short? Superficially? And what if given the opportunity to take her foot out of her mouth, she does? Awesome. Or her could pick at something she probably already feel terrible about.. To what end?
To make sure she loves him? She married him.
To have his own kids? Well, he doesn't need to side track the conversation to find out if she would do that.
To make her feel sorry? Well, that will be great for communication later when she's worried about what will upset him next time. Yeah, this one was a big one but she probably isn't going to dig it deeper. If she does, then he should address it. But if not then it's just going to be a situation to put behind them
Its called picking your battles. He doesn't need to raise arms right away. He can try for more diplomacy first
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[–]OceanRacoon 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
He doesn't need to voice every opinion he has
Why not? Aren't relationships all about communication?
Maybe not, but this doesn't need to become bigger than it is.
This is pretty much as big as an issue can get in a marriage, she doesn't want him to be the father of her children.
This issue is probably not going to go away and it's possible to imagine that OP's wife is going to do whatever she has to to get her way.
Of course, OP could update and say that she was appalled when she realised how mean she was being, but I don't think the sort of person who is willing to say something like this in the first place will give a shit. I could be wrong though.
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[–]penninsulaman713 83 points84 points85 points  (35 children)
Yeah, the way I read it it seemed like he has been teased a lot about his height in the past and that he has a lot of insecurities about it, maybe she meant it in a way like she doesn't want their children to grow up facing the same teasing and insecurities. I mean she clearly doesn't mind his height personally if they're married, I can't help but feel that she's just simply worried about their children growing up to face the same problems and insecurities that her husband has.
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[–]MrLinderman 96 points97 points98 points  (34 children)
She's so worried about teasing that she suggested that he not biologically father their children? That's excessive. Shortness isn't Huntington's disease.
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[–]obnoxiouslybigrobot 91 points92 points93 points  (21 children)
If you've seen the way short men talk about their height sometimes, you would be forgiven for assuming it is a disease. I'm not even kidding when I say that short men are often way more doom and gloom about their height than disabled people are about their disabilities.
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[–]GrizzledFart 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
I'm not even kidding when I say that short men are often way more doom and gloom about their height than disabled people are about their disabilities.
And definitely the way to fix that is to tell a short man "dearest husband, I don't think you are a fit source of genetic material for my children".
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[–]MrLinderman 27 points28 points29 points  (17 children)
Well considering I'm 5'6 I've heard/felt all of these insecurities. I didn't get comfortable with my height until I was like 21. It takes some people longer.
There are the vocal minority, however, that will bitch and moan like it's the reason their life sucks. It's more their shitty attitude usually. However, based on OP's responses, he doesn't seem like that type of guy. He actually seems pretty comfortable with it now.
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[–]cookiepusss 5 points6 points7 points  (16 children)
Actually he totally seems like that kind of guy to me. I was mentally comparing him with a friend of mine who, while very short, has absolutely no problem with it. OP sounds insecure.
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[–]MrLinderman 27 points28 points29 points  (13 children)
You get that from comments like this?
I've never had a problem commanding respect or getting jobs because of my height, the only problem I've had is girls being very cruel about it. It hurt and it made me a little insecure, but in the sense that I wanted a girl to accept me for my height, not that I wanted to be taller. I expressed to her the rejections that I experienced in the past and that I was grateful that she didn't care. Not much beyond that.
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[–]Rayalas 32 points33 points34 points  (9 children)
His 'insecurities' are being manufactured by multiple posters in this thread. It's pretty incredible to see, really. He comes here to get advice on how to handle something his wife said, and is instead getting told how insecure he is about his height...
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[–]boomberrybella 26 points27 points28 points  (2 children)
It's maddening. Not every short person is insecure about it. It's also...smug? Projecting their thoughts about "acceptable" height into others? I don't know. Like "Oh my gosh, of course you're insecure about your height! Who wouldn't be, if they were a tiny shrimp like you!"
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[–]cookiepusss -2 points-1 points0 points  (1 child)
Not at all, I just find it incredibly difficult to believe that his wife said this out of the blue, and he's never been upset about his height in front of her.
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[–]ThatGuyMiles 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
Yeah, and his wife is just looking out for him and his insecurities. That's why she doesn't want him to be the biological father to her children. This is a great thread.
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[–]nowedger 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
People are fucking dumb. I agree with you.
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[–]brutalhonesty45 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Just say the words "short man" to many people and watch their faces contort. Then try to listen to speeches about "confidence" and such. It is sad.
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[–]Drigr 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Say the words "fat cow" to someone generally okay with their weight and watch them be crushed.
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[–]MrLinderman 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
It's odd that it's mostly women manufacturing these insecurities as well
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[–]cookiepusss -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
Actually there's no question how to handle this. He should leave someone that would say such a horrible thing. My question is how did she just come up with that out of the blue, after never expressing any issue with his height whatsoever. It seems to me that something is left out.
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[–]cookiepusss -4 points-3 points-2 points  (2 children)
Yes.
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[–]MrLinderman 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
Maybe but I don't think so. I mean, I've never complained about it. There's been times when she wants to know more about me, so I tell her. But I've literally only spoken to her about my height on two occasions.
Those must have been two really bad conversations to infer that.
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[–]cookiepusss -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Well then, she's a horrible person. I just find it super fishy that she just said this out of the blue.
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[–]boomberrybella 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
I don't see where you're finding insecurity. He can acknowledge the fact that he's faced issues because of his height without being hypersensitive about it. He even said
it made me a little insecure, but in the sense that I wanted a girl to accept me for my height, not that I wanted to be taller
Are many short guys insecure about their heights? Yeah. Is this short guy insecure about it? No.
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[–]cookiepusss -6 points-5 points-4 points  (0 children)
Hey that's just my interpretation. YMMV.
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[–]IdontSparkle 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Well, they're the butt of the jokes. You never feel pity for a short man. That's the difference with disabled people. It's socially accepted to joke about height.
On the other hand, notice how somebody is fat on television and it's as if you had said the world "retarted" to mean stupid.
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[–]doodlingduckling 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Ive dated a bunch of short guys who spoke about their height issues like its the worst disease on earth and how everyone treated them this or that because of their height. They complained so much throughout the relationships, that their whining was the end of it too.
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[–]CinderellaElla 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
I hope she someday soon realizes how shitty people can be. I was bullied (like actually bullied) because of my race and because I did well in school and am smart.
The solution wouldn't be to get an egg donor or surrogate who wasn't my race and is of average intelligence.
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[–]awickfield 9 points10 points11 points  (4 children)
If he had been complaining about being treated unfairly for being short his whole life, how much he hated it, how girls treated him poorly etc. etc. I can see why she would have suggested it, even if it still isn't right. Maybe seeing what he is going through in regards to his height would make her worry about what their future children would go through?
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[–]MrLinderman 9 points10 points11 points  (3 children)
I mean, maybe, but her reaction, even if it was a slip of the tongue was way over the line. She's essentially saying "These things bothered you growing up. It's a good idea if we don't let your genes anywhere near our kids."
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[–]awickfield 7 points8 points9 points  (2 children)
I don't think that's what she was saying. I think she was saying "since these things bothered you so much, are you sure you want to have biological children knowing that they may go through the same hardships you did?" clearly she doesn't mind him being short, she's married to him.
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[–]lainzee -2 points-1 points0 points  (1 child)
This. One of the reasons I probably don't want kids is that I have serious, pervasive clinical depression. I've struggled to reach a baseline of happiness my whole life. I was suicidal as a middle schooler. I feel like it would be unfair to bring a child into this world knowing that they might struggle with depression as much as I do. I don't think it's an uncommon fear for a lot of people - I think there are a lot of people where their personal genetics cause a huge fear for them when it comes to children, even when it's not something like Huntingtons.
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[–]awickfield -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I completely agree with you. Its understandable that someone may want to forgo having their own bio children for genetic reasons even if it's not a deadly disease. I'm sorry to hear about your depression, I hope you are doing well now!
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[–]penninsulaman713 -2 points-1 points0 points  (5 children)
True, shortness isn't really as big of a deal or even close to actual illnesses and such, but I mean, different people have different worries. Maybe she didn't even mean it seriously, just as kind of a thought she had in that moment. I think that he should just talk to her about how her comment made him feel and see what she says.
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[–]tfresca 7 points8 points9 points  (4 children)
They've done studies on this. Its almost like a disability. Jobs, women whatever. Height impacts all of it.
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[–]books-books-books 13 points14 points15 points  (2 children)
Actually, jobs and income are apparently related to a guys height at age 16, not his adult height suggesting its a confidence issue, not a discriminatory one. As a woman who dated men of many different heights, I'd say a lot of the dating stuff is as well but I don't know of any studies that have sought to break it down like that.
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[–]brutalhonesty45 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
As a woman who dated men of many different heights, I'd say a lot of the dating stuff is as well but I don't know of any studies that have sought to break it down like that.
There have been many studies done on it. Plentyoffish ran an analysis that showed women would not even click on a guys profile if you were below 5'9". Here is a 20/20 from a decade back. Here is a speed dating study that showed the only thing the men had in common who were successful was height.
As for income - here you go.
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[–]books-books-books 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Oh I know they've done studies, but what they've found on income is that it's height at age 16 that matters not adult height (in other words, it's not necessarily the employer who's offering less money, but rather the guy, same as women make less, in part, because they don't negotiate for more). So that's going to skew the results when they just survey adult men by height and income when they're not accounting for whether or not he was significantly short for his age at 16. (Since many men grow a lot at 16, this is not an insignificant thing to measure.)
And, sure, pof found whatever they found. Okcupid found men of any and all ages are entirely uninterested in women over age 20. Unless all men are actually crazy, this is clearly not "real world true." People interact with dating sites in really weird and specific ways. So, apparently POF women never click on men who aren't at least the average male height in the US. That doesn't mean those very same women won't date shorter than average men. (Any more than a 25-y-o woman is past the prime of her life and undateable.)
You missed my point which was specifically that as far as I know, the studies on dating only focus on adult height, not height as a teen. In in-person dating, confidence matters far more than height, but unfortunately sometimes adults lack confidence when they were picked on in school whether that was for being short or whatever which would be a bigger disadvantage than mere inches.
I get it, being short short sucks for men. But it's absolutely no match for an actual disability.
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[–]penninsulaman713 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Plus we don't really know how short he is. Is he 5'6 or like 4'8, it makes a big difference I think. I can kind of see where she would be worried on the impact of the possible height on her kids lives.
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[–]lolamcgoo 9 points10 points11 points  (12 children)
There's also the possibility she doesn't want short kids.
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[–]DelousedBeagles 29 points30 points31 points  (0 children)
In that case, she shouldn't have married a short man.
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[–]becausefrog 2 points3 points4 points  (4 children)
I just want to point out that his children won't necessarily be short because he is (at least, not all of them). Short people have taller kids all of the time.
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[–]LashBack16 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Also being short does not matter if they have a girl.
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[–]yogapantsareforever 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
People also have kids shorter than them all the time
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[–]lolamcgoo -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Taller but not necessarily tall. Great Danes make Great Danes and Chihuahuas make Chihuahuas.
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[–]becausefrog 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I don't think she's hoping they will be taller than her own genetics allow, just taller than his. Unless they are both Chihuahuas. (Either way, she's shallow and ignorant)
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[–]cookiepusss 11 points12 points13 points  (4 children)
That would be pretty strange to me. Especially considering she married a short man.
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[–]lolamcgoo 19 points20 points21 points  (1 child)
I agree, but she is talking about getting a sperm donor.
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[–]cookiepusss -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
It really does seem completely out of the blue.
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[–]IdontSparkle 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
She's not bothered to have the biological kid of another man instead of her husband. Seems like she's not fully coming to terms with his shortness. While you're willing to compromise for yourself, you want the best for your children.
Dropping the bomb out of the blue post-sex is absolutely awful.
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[–]STEMhopeful 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
That defeats the whole purpose of getting married. So the guy's suppose to pay for someone else's baby? Why didn't she just marry someone who didn't have to make "compromises" for?
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[–]sunkissedmoon 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
She has been with a short man for 4 years. You would think she would have thought about that before marrying him.
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[–]doublenut 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
This doesn't pass the "come on" test. Your interpretation is that she thought she was doing him a favor by bringing it up, because her totally logical conclusion was that maybe he'd rather raise kids fathered by someone better? Holy crap, no, that's not a reasonable interpretation.
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[–]Jetboots_Rule 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Honestly, out of all the arguments I've read and that are in my head, this sums up my feelings the best. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so assuming OP's wife had good intentions, like you said, I'm left raising my eyebrow and saying "...really?... you can't be serious".
"Honey, I know you've struggled with your weight and bullying because of it throughout your life, do you think we should get an egg donor?" (uhhhhh... what?)
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[–]fakeprewarbook 27 points28 points29 points  (9 children)
In the past I've told her about my insecurities - the way some girls have treated me because of my height
Yeah. And yet SHE married him. I'd take that as a slap in the face--like he settled for her because she accepted him.
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[–]Zorkeldschorken 20 points21 points22 points  (4 children)
I'd take it as a slap in HIS face. That she married him despite his height because he made good money or something like that.
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[–]Wittgenfine 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
That she married him despite his height because he made good money or something like that.
Do you mean that this is how she feels, or this is how OP is worried she feels?
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[–]Zorkeldschorken 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It could go either way. Or both.
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[–]fakeprewarbook -7 points-6 points-5 points  (1 child)
This comment shows that you are prejudiced against short men.
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[–]This-is-Peppermint 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
The OP's wife is prejudiced against short men - she wants to get a sperm donor for their children!. Zork was just reframing the wife's state of mind.
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[–]IdontSparkle 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
To me, it still seems like she's not fully coming to terms with his height. While you're whiling to compromise for yourself, you want the best for your children.
She may thinks the best for her children is another's guy sperm, and the "with all of your problems regarding your height" might just be a manipulation to convince him.
Of course, this is the "cold-blooded heartless wife scenario". One among many possibilities. But the tasteless way she dropped the bomb after having sex makes me lean this way.
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[–]lainzee 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
But since there are so many other possibilities, doesn't it make sense for him to reopen the dialogue, say in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want a sperm donor, and see how she reacts from there?
If he says no he doesn't want a sperm donor, that he likes who he is and would be happy to have children that are like him and short, and she reacts negatively and presses back then yeah, she's a cold-blooded heartless bitch.
If he says no and she accepts that answer and or acts relieved that he doesn't, wouldn't that point to her concern being genuine and coming from a (if not good then at least not terrible) place?
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[–]GrizzledFart 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Or even better: "I agree, it would be a shame to have short children. On that front, how about we find an egg donor who is over 6' tall and I can impregnate her with my sperm and you can carry it to term?"
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[–]ab_roller -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
Wow, you're reaching. Do anything to blame the dude, no empathy for males, /r/relationships and feminism Rule #1.
I'm still shaking my head about how you managed to read what we all read above and still put any of this on him. Just wow. You're the fuckin worst.
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[–]capsulet 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
OP said this:
There are some huge leaps happening, so I'll just say that I've never been bullied because of my height. The only time I've ever been insecure about my height is in the dating realm. Even then, it was only for the brief period after summoning the courage to ask a girl out and being told "sorry I don't date short guys."
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[–]tigerdactyl[🍰] 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
Or she's worried about it and using his past experiences as an excuse to put the sperm donor option on th etable
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[–]cookiepusss -2 points-1 points0 points  (2 children)
That would be really really weird.
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[–]strps 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
I think that's why OP is posting here.
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[–]cookiepusss -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
I would say no question he should leave her if that's what she thinks. I just can't see her coming up with this totally out of the blue if he'd never complained about being short.
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[–]polis79 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I wonder what problems does he incur with his height that a sperm donor is warranted. I am 5'1, and the main "problems" i have are: short jokes, when stores have shelves higher than the norm, and not sitting to close to the steering wheel.
I think his height is probably the one thing she would want to change about him.
it would be hilarious if they went the sperm donor route, and still had a short kid.
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[–]cookiepusss 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You never know! My bro is 6'4" and his daughter is 5' 1".
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[–]BinaryBlasphemy 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
WHAT!?
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[–]OceanRacoon 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
This thread is absolutely ridiculous. You're actually blaming OP rather than addressing the fact that his wife told him he's not good enough to be the father of her children because of a physical trait.
She doesn't give a fuck about the problems he's had with his height, she just doesn't want short children, to the extent that she doesn't want her husband to be the father of the children she wants him to raise.
She is using the deeply personal negative experiences OP has confided in her regarding his height against him to manipulate him into raising children that aren't his own. She wants tall children and she'll quite clearly say anything to OP to get them. She doesn't care about his feelings and OP should expect her to use every tactic in the book to get her way
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[–]cookiepusss -2 points-1 points0 points  (1 child)
Those are some crazy assertions my friend.
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[–]OceanRacoon 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
They aren't assertions, that's actually what's happening.You're impossibly naive and ignorant if you genuinely believe she has any concern for OP's feelings in saying this. "Hey, honey, you're short, so you obviously don't want to raise children that are your own."
Retarded. You blaming OP for making her say this is what's crazy
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[–]midwestwatcher -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
This is one of the grandest rationalizations of the sexy son hypothesis I've ever heard of.
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[–]MrLinderman 112 points113 points114 points  (7 children)
Jesus dude. I'm 5'6" and my height doesn't bother me, but that's about the most hurtful things an SO could say to me.
I can't blame you for wanting to walk out on her, but it's probably your emotions getting the best of you a bit. My first thought when reading this was that I'd leave a woman who ever said this to me too. However, you need to talk to her one on one before you make any decisions.
Before people suggest I'm overreacting, imagine if he told his SO he wants to adopt because his wife has small boobs. Pretty hurtful, right?
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[–]Wittgenfine 14 points15 points16 points  (6 children)
Before people suggest I'm overreacting, imagine if he told his SO he wants to adopt because his wife has small boobs. Pretty hurtful, right?
Except I think it's important to consider her wording - based only on how OP wrote the post, she didn't say she wanted to use a donor, she asked him if he wanted to. It seems as though she was motivated by wanting their kids to avoid the problems he's had with his height in the past.
Was it an extremely stupid question? Absolutely, and I still don't really understand why she asked it. But I think there's a major difference between "I want to use a donor so our kids aren't short like you," and "maybe you want to use a donor if you're worried about our kids having self-esteem problems or being bullied." I feel like we're missing some vital information, particularly about those "talks" he says they've had about his height. What if he told her that he used to get beaten up because of his height? Or that it used to make him suicidal? In that context, it's less insane for her to ask him if that's what he might want.
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[–]bubbleki 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
Less insane but still insane. What are you defending here?
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[–]BILLIKEN_BALLER 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
He's defending that we don't know the whole story. Maybe he complains to his wife daily about how self conscience he is or how much he hates it and she thought maybe he would want to
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[–]sdflkjeroi342 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You're arguing wording here - the sentiment behind the question is still the same... the suggestion of using a sperm donor is still there, no matter how she phrased it.
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[–]catidiot 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but women can be just as evil and cruel as men can. What OP's wife said is fucked up. There's no excuse for it. It isn't just "oh, haha, I wasn't thinking!"
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[–]HulksInvinciblePants 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Was it an extremely stupid question? Absolutely, and I still don't really understand why she asked it.
I think you know why she asked. You just don't want to accept the most obvious (and likely) answer until all other options have been exhausted.
This was something she had thought up on her own. She felt like she found the perfect moment to bring it up without creating conflict. It backfired and her only option left is to make the husband feel like he led her to believe it was something he would want.
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[–]OceanRacoon 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Is this you're first day on /r/relationships or planet Earth?
She said "maybe you want to use a donor" because it's less hurtful than saying, "I don't like your height and I don't want our children to be short like you." She's trying to manipulate him into doing something she wants, if she gave a fuck about his feelings she wouldn't have said that, how have you convinced yourself of this bullshit?
If you are actually retarded enough to think that she was only thinking about OP's feelings when she brought this up on her own, you are hopelessly...something. I don't even know what the word is for someone who is so obtuse and wilfully ignorant of reality.
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[–]resultsmayvary0 211 points212 points213 points  (27 children)
That's fucking cold man. Don't pretend to be asleep though man, that's immature as fuck. Sack up and tell her she hurt your feelings, explain why, and if she doesn't get it try and reverse it. Say "How would you feel if I told you that I don't want our daughter to be a fucking amazon, so we should use a surrogate", make sure that you pick something you know she's insecure about, not because you're trying to hurt her, but because it will force her to take it seriously.
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[–]kimb00 73 points74 points75 points  (21 children)
While I basically agree with your approach, I can't help but think there's more to this story.
First of all, why would his reaction be to pretend he's asleep? How is that even close to healthy communication?
Second of all,
Then she says, "with all of the problems, you've had with your height... Maybe we should think about getting a sperm donor."
Leads me to believe that OP has had [and discussed] many issues with his height. If I had a family history of bi-polar I think it would be fair to ask the same question.
There is virtually nothing that she could have said that would have hurt me more, surely she knows that.
Judging by the major inconsistencies in how OP describes their communication, I'm betting that no she absolutely does not know that.
Edit: Since OP edited, I'll edit:
Yes, it was a pussy move to pretend I was asleep, but I had literally no idea how to respond, so it was the easiest way to get some time to think.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have issues with my height."
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[–]random_reddit_accoun 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
First of all, why would his reaction be to pretend he's asleep?
A lot of people out there simply want to avoid problems. It is surprisingly common.
How is that even close to healthy communication?
It is not healthy. When conflict avoidant people marry, it is pretty normal to see everything appear to be going great for a long time, and then things blow all to hell because one or both of them can no longer stand it.
Story time: The parents of one of our kids friends are divorcing after 30 some odd years. Turns out the wife has felt oppressed almost the entire relationship. The husband had no idea because she never told him. The relationship is unrecoverable because she has 30 years of resentment built up. If she had opened her mouth on day 1, I believe their marriage would have been fine.
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[–]resultsmayvary0 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
You're right about the "all the problems thing" but since OP declined to mention any actual issues I just took it to mean maybe he got picked on or had experienced female rejection (he mentioned something along those lines in his post) and not something more health related. But if it's caused an actual medical issue then she isn't out of line.
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[–]kimb00 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
But if it's caused an actual medical issue then she isn't out of line.
I wouldn't describe height as a "medical" issue, per say, but from my understanding, being a short dood isn't a walk in the park. Maybe more comparable to ADHD (impact to life, makes some things more difficult, can cause insecurities).
Well, I mean, it was still pretty insensitive, but OP is describing it as the most evil thing she could ever say in the world. And I don't think it is. And I think the real issue is that he can't tell his wife that what she said upset him.
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[–]capsulet 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
Look at OP's edit. He says he hasn't had that many issues with it.
There are some huge leaps happening, so I'll just say that I've never been bullied because of my height. The only time I've ever been insecure about my height is in the dating realm. Even then, it was only for the brief period after summoning the courage to ask a girl out and being told "sorry I don't date short guys."
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I edited my comment to respond to OP's edit.
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[–]capsulet 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
That's a solid response. I hope OP sees it.
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[–]omnishazbot 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Hmm. Severe mental disability or few inches of height. That is an offensively poor comparison.
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[–]tokerson 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
He was hurt and didn't know what to say. Why talk when you're upset and confused? He can talk to her later, they're kind of in a relationship. That's such a small stupid thing to use just to insult the poster. Jesus fucking Christ this subreddit.
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Until he clarifies what her intentions/motivations are, there's no need to react like this.
I have no idea what you're talking about. I have no issues with my height. And do you realize your question made it seem like I'm not good enough to be the father of our children?
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[–]tokerson 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Well yeah logically, but I'm talking about feelings, dude. It's an interaction between two people.
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[–]ii_akinae_ii -3 points-2 points-1 points  (2 children)
why would his reaction be to pretend he's asleep?
From OP:
After a few seconds of silence she says "sweety?" and looks up at me. I close my eyes instantly and present to be asleep.
Edit. It seemed to me as if /u/kimb00 thought that /u/resultsmayvary0's comment about OP pretending to be asleep was out of nowhere. Just trying to be helpful by pointing out the origin.
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[–]suave_historian 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
That doesn't explain why that would be his reaction, though, which is what /u/kimb00 was wondering about.
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[–]ii_akinae_ii 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It seemed to me as if /u/kimb00 thought that /u/resultsmayvary0's comment about OP pretending to be asleep was out of nowhere. Just trying to be helpful by pointing out the origin.
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[–]OceanRacoon -1 points0 points1 point  (4 children)
I can't help but think there's more to this story.
You want there to be more to the story. None of any of the shite you have come up with to blame OP for this situation excuses what his wife did. You haven't even addressed the almost unforgivable thing she said to him.
She doesn't want him to be the father of their children. How can you possibly come up with reasons why that's in any way an acceptable thing to say?
This thread is astounding
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
This thread has simply said "are you sure that's what your wife meant?"
Seems a little weird that she would marry him and then tell him that she didn't want him to be the father of her children. I feel like that is something that would've come up beforehand.
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[–]OceanRacoon 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
She told him she wanted to get a sperm donor for her children so they're not short. How many different ways can that sentiment be interpreted?
This thread has told OP he is obviously massively insecure and it's his fault his wife doesn't want short children because he always whines about it.
So it's impossible to imagine that when faced with the prospect of actually having children with OP she has become increasingly concerned with them being short? As opposed to before her marriage when children were a distant concern.
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[–]kimb00 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
She told him she wanted to get a sperm donor for her children so they're not short.
No. She said "with all the issues you've faced, are you sure you want your children to go through the same things?"
How many different ways can that sentiment be interpreted?
"I think that you're too short and I don't want to have your biological children and force them to live their lives with your height."
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[–]OceanRacoon -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
What she actually said was this;
"with all of the problems, you've had with your height... Maybe we should think about getting a sperm donor."
You left out the sperm donor part, which is pretty important.
We're on the same page with the second part though, she doesn't want her children to be short so she doesn't want OP to be the father of the children they'll raise together. That is probably one of the worst things a person can say to their spouse, regardless of the gender or whatever else.
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[–]flaming_douchebag -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
While I basically agree with your approach, I can't help but think there's more to this story.
First of all, why would his reaction be to pretend he's asleep?
Maybe because seething rage isn't terribly constructive and he wanted to process his feelings? Gosh, the mind boggles as fyi why someone might do that.
How is that even close to healthy communication?
See above.
Leads me to believe that OP has had [and discussed] many issues with his height. If I had a family history of bi-polar I think it would be fair to ask the same question.
If you were married to someone with bi-polar disorder, you would seriously suggest that they not breed? Your spouse. Whom you love dearly. You think that would be a good thing to being up out of the blue after having sex?
Judging by the major inconsistencies in how OP describes their communication, I'm betting that no she absolutely does not know that.
We all hope not, because if she does, she's just a horrible, horrible human being. The thing is, she ought to know. And beyond that . . . Who in the actual fuck would suggest a fucking sperm donor to their spouse for something as trivial as height?! Are you kidding me?! Maybe, maaaaaybe when the tests show that his sperm aren't viable, or there's a very good chance that any offspring of his might have a congenital genetic condition that will undoubtedly result in their painful and premature death, sure. But HEIGHT?!
No. There's no excusing that lapse in humanity.
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[–]heyrey 22 points23 points24 points  (2 children)
The response you propose is rather spiteful. You reach people easier through empathy than vindictiveness.
It's best just to explain how much it hurt you and get her to acknowledge that it was fucked up.
I suspect that with the insecurity you have demonstrated about your height, you've probably convinced her that it's a significant deficit (even if she didn't think that way before). No parent wants their children to be born at a deficit, and for you, your height clearly is one. Maybe you can tell her that despite your insecurities, you don't feel you are doing your child harm by passing on your "short" genes, and ask her if she thinks it's causing harm? It's going to be an interesting discussion because you planted the idea in her head that you suffer due to your own height.
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[–]resultsmayvary0 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
The very first thing I said is to explain that she hurt his feelings. Me saying to reverse it is a common tool used for explaining a situation when just saying how you feel fails. There is nothing spiteful about it, and I specifically state the goal is not to hurt feelings. "How would you feel if ..." works very well, I just say to use something the other person has insecurities about because that best illustrates the issue.
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[–]thealogical 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I think the sleeping defense was a spur of the moment reaction as he was in shock. I'm sure he was dumbfounded.
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[–]K_Rad 32 points33 points34 points  (3 children)
How would she feel if you wanted a surrogate because she has strange moles? Or because her aunt has diabetes? Or because you don't like her skin tone?
This isn't even a health issue either, it's purely superficial. What a horrible thing to say to someone - that wouldn't even be okay if she was ribbing you.
You need to sit her down and seriously explain just how messed up that was. If she is serious about this desire... man... I don't know if I could be with someone who thought that way.
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[–]Brighter_Tomorrow 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
At least those things are medical.
In my opinion the equivalent would be:
"Dear, since your boobs are so small, do you think maybe we should try a surrogate?"
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[–]K_Rad 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Exactly. I completely agree.
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[–]theultimatewarriors 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Or a surrogate who was specifically taller since it's an issue to the wife for the children. If she doesn't have an issue with raising the children from someone outside the marriage.
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[–]saltedcaramelsauce 22 points23 points24 points  (1 child)
That is a incredibly hurtful comment from her. WTF would she want to have some other man's baby? It is in no way okay of her to ask you that (barring some kind of genetic illness). You're not overreacting.
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[–]theladybaelish 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
If anything its an underreaction as in, in that immediate moment I would have freaked the fuck out.
I'm really sorry OP. That is horrible. NO ONE should have to hear that from their SO.
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[–]nimrodlavender 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
You're 5'4?! Shit, the way you were going on I was expecting Verne Troyer stature. I hate to say it, but that was a real asshole comment your wife made.
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[–]finmeister 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Oh man. If that were me, and I wouldn't have been blinded by "WTF???" at the time, which I probably would have been, I'd have said "If I'm not good enough to father your children, then I'm also not good enough to be your husband. Bye."
Barring infertility, or inability to carry a child to term, or the couple is same-sex, it's generally assumed that the person you marry will be the SAME person you bear children with.
She couldn't have brought this up at some point in the last 4 years?
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[–]cynoclast 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
"You're good enough to marry, but not good enough to reproduce."
Jesus, dude.
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[–]d00zerdude 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
"we should get a surrogate mother because of your small breasts"
^ Would a woman stay with a man who said that to her?
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[–]kaotik-weevil 139 points140 points141 points  (5 children)
Dude...just....holy shit...
No, this isn't cool at fucking all. I'm not kidding when I say that's actually something I would divorce my wife for saying.
"Hey honey, thanks for marrying me and putting up with my ignorant bullshit, so what do you think of me having another man's kids so they don't end up with your disgusting short guy genes"
Sorry dude, I have no hope for you in this one. She doesn't respect you one bit.
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[–]LittleCrazee 55 points56 points57 points  (2 children)
Yeah, almost warrants a "sure, maybe we should get an egg donor too because I certainly don't want our child having your (add body criticism here) either" just to watch the fireworks go off in her head over it and realize why what she said was so shitty. It wouldn't solve anything though so the best course would be to explain just how hurtful what she said was and why and possibly add that if she is that concerned about it, maybe divorce is the answer. What she said is not cool on any level and I for one would walk over that.
EDIT: Logic, as pointed out by /u/verytinyapple
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[–]verytinyapple 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
that doesn't make sense though, I get what you are trying to say but a sperm donor would still result in her genes... I mean I guess it will get the point across, but I wouldn't say this OP.
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[–]LittleCrazee 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You're correct and I had actually missed that slip of my own logic but still, the sentiment remains the same. And no, I wouldn't say it either. Would likely only make things worse or at the very least make you no better than her.
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[–]liquid-sunshine_ 21 points22 points23 points  (0 children)
Yeah that's a truly awful thing to say. Wow. I don't even know what to say. She should be absolutely ashamed of herself.
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[–]cookiepusss 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I don't see how someone could actually say this and mean it and not know they are a sociopath.
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[–]1finite 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
Jesus, what a horrible thing to say to your partner. "I don't think you're biologically worthy to father my children." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. That would be a world class dealbreaker for me.
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[–]Treebranch1 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Stings right down to the core.
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[–]EddieDombrowski 51 points52 points53 points  (24 children)
It seems you're the non-confrontational type, do you think writing her a letter would be easier?
You absolutely have to address this. Preferably in person, of course, but a letter would be better than nothing.
Honestly she probably didn't mean to hurt you. From her end it seems like she's concerned for her children after listening to your various insecurities about your height. It stands to reason that she wouldn't want her children to have the same fate. Not like being short is a big deal, though.
I think you're making too big of a deal about your height and possibly even brought her reaction on yourself. (I'm not blaming you, just citing that could be a possible reason for her recent bedside statement) I imagine if you never complained or made an issue about your height she wouldn't either, right? I mean she did marry you after all, so your height likely wasn't a concern to her until you brought it up.
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[–]6enig 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Seconded.
I like the optimism, and also the fact that it still addresses the issues. You need a way to talk to your wife about this coherently and make all the pertinent points.
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[–]needathrowawayplease 9 points10 points11 points  (21 children)
Nice victim blaming there.
"Honey, you've talked to me in the past about how it sucks when people have made fun of you for being an airhead. I was thinking we should get an egg donor because it would suck for our kids to have to deal with being stupid..."
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[–]EddieDombrowski 16 points17 points18 points  (20 children)
I'm not victim blaming, I'm being realistic. It's not his fault she reacted that way, but to deny that he had any contribution to her reaction is short sighted at best, and ignorant at worst.
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[–]needathrowawayplease 33 points34 points35 points  (19 children)
The monumental level of disrespect to tell your partner that their genetic line shouldn't be continued because of the potential trauma their offspring might face...it's just unthinkable to me.
I can't understand how you can't see how terrible it is.
But I think this must be one of those issues where it's not entirely logical and some people just feel it at a gut level and others don't. There are certainly other issues I've seen on this sub that Reddit said were breakup-worthy that to me were just jokes.
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[–]EddieDombrowski 3 points4 points5 points  (14 children)
I don't see it as disrespect as much as I see it as concern for her offspring. If you look at it from the perspective of someone who wants the best for their children, after having listened to their spouse lament a certain genetic aspect about themselves, then it's not nearly as malicious as you're making it out to be.
Frankly I don't agree with her (or even know if it's really her concern) that his height an issue. But it seems just as likely to me she was reflecting his concerns about his own height. No one has any way of knowing, until OP decides to talk to her about it.
And I never said it's not terrible. I'm just not as cynical about this as you are.
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[–]Ambassador_Ch0n 17 points18 points19 points  (8 children)
Dude, she straight-up told her husband that she wants to have children with a sperm donor over him.
Your White Knighting is hilarious.
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[–]strps 23 points24 points25 points  (0 children)
No shit, no one is saying it but the obvious parallel is race:
"I'm sorry honey, it was hard growing up facing the prejudice of being Mexican in the US? I have an idea, how about we get a white sperm donor for our children. That way the won't have to deal with the same kind of shit you did!"
Un fucking real that some people here would look for the generosity of her stance where as if someone were to say this sort of thing concerning race they would be excoriated. Yet it is the exact same thing.
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[–]mikaelhg 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
True, I wonder where these upvoters are coming from. Are they just vote-trolling, or really this stupid?
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[–]DreadlordCherryCake 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
Fun fact: No she didn't. She suggested it, which is VERY different. She didn't state a preference. She offered it as an option which in and of itself is hurtful and majorly insensitive, she may or may not be genuinely concerned about their child enduring what he went through depending on OP's unstated commentary on his own plight and insecurities.
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[–]books-books-books 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
It doesn't even sound like it was a serious suggestion (like as part of a real conversation about kids, how you're going to parent them, etc, etc) but rather an idle, speculative conversation about names and whose nose they hope the kid gets.
Sure, it's possible she's given this al ot of thought and doesn't want their kids to have his dna, but it seems far more likely this was a silly thought that came to mind that she probably shouldn't have said out loud, not something she said to say the most hurtful thing she could possibly ever say to him (if I were her, I might suggest a donor so our kids didn't die of hyperbole, but that's just me).
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[–]OceanRacoon 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
but it seems far more likely this was a silly thought that came to mind that she probably shouldn't have said out loud
You people are incredible, your ability to delude yourselves knows no bounds.
She has quite clearly been thinking about this for a long time and wondering when was the best time to bring it up. No one suddenly has the idea pop into their head right after sex with their spouse that they should have children with someone other than them because of a trait their partner has that they don't want in their children.
Who would even mention such a horrific thing even if it did? "Oh, gee, honey, I just realised that I don't want our children to be Asian so how about we find a nice white man to impregnate me?"
She's obviously been stewing on this for a while
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[–]EddieDombrowski 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Thanks for your elaborate rebuttal, your contribution to this conversation sure has been invaluable.
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[–]theultimatewarriors -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
Nah, the dude has a decent point. From your perspective of things maybe this is a better way of putting it: "The dude broke frame and let his insecurities get the best of him".
He told her things about his height that worried him. Have you ever been in a fight with a woman you're in a relationship with? They specifically will say the very thing that hurts you sometimes exactly because they want to see if you are ok with it. The best thing you can do is laugh and tell her she's ridiculous and say something amazing about his genes and why they're badass.
Sometimes women worry, they need you to break through those worries for them. It's not white-knighting, but if you're set on name calling, then don't let reality stop you.
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[–]magic_is_might -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Side note, I fucking hate how people like to throw the term white knighting at everything that even remotely defends a woman. The word is meaningless and dismissive.
Reread the wording. She seems to have suggested it because OP seems to have serious self image issues concerning his height and she knows that. Doesn't seem like she said that because she doesn't like his height, but rather because OP doesn't. Huge difference.
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[–]occasionalumlaut 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I don't see it as disrespect as much as I see it as concern for her offspring. If you look at it from the perspective of someone who wants the best for their children (emphasis mine)
You almost got it.
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[–]OceanRacoon 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
But it seems just as likely to me she was reflecting his concerns about his own height.
This is absolute horseshit. She doesn't want short children, that's the end of it, you're all making up shite to deny the fact that she's being an insensitive wagon wheel to her husband
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[–]EddieDombrowski -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Was wondering where all the downvotes and recent rude comments were coming from.
RedPillers, the scourge of the internet.
Tell me more about the evil women, man who has never actually been with one. Would love to hear your thoughts.
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[–]OceanRacoon 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I am 100% not a redpiller and you're saying that to discredit what I'm saying and remove focus from the topic at hand.
Men can be shit and women can be shit. In this case a woman is being shit. I have also posted comments about men being shit in the past and will in the future.
It's incredible that you're all blaming OP for his wife saying she doesn't want him to be the father of her children
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[–]theultimatewarriors -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Oh ok, so she would have no problem with a surrogate who was taller then, right? If that would be best for their children, then she wouldn't have any issues.
I mean, then, he would only be reflecting her own concerns back to her.
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[–]theultimatewarriors 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Children are funny things. I see a trend in women saying that the husband being the father isn't as big of a deal (honestly in a sense that they just don't think about it, and never with an idea of having someone else's children specifically). But introduce the idea of another woman having the child and they usually see it very differently and are very protective of having their own children. Same idea as the old rumor of the doctors grabbing the wrong baby after birth that terrifies new mothers.
These are just trends I've seen here. Reddit isn't exactly a perfect sprawling set of people or age ranges, I'm just saying generally. And I'm not saying ALL WOMEN, I'm saying the opposite, that it's a small amount that has been going up in occurrence on here.
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[–]lainzee 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
But she hasn't outright told her partner that. She has asked for his thoughts on the manner, given that he has struggled with his height in the past.
If she was outright saying, "I don't want short kids. We need to get a sperm donor," I would agree that it was unthinkable and terrible.
But we don't know that she's saying that.
I'm looking at it like a partner saying to me, "You know, with all the struggles you've had with depression in your life, maybe we should consider an egg donor." And I know that height isn't a disease and depression is, but there are a lot of treatments for depression (and not really any for height), there are most likely more depressed people in the world than really short guys, height is more visible than depression is and thus more prone to draw teasing and outright discrimination, etc.
I would react to that opening a lot differently than "We need to get an egg donor because I don't want to have depressed kids."
I just feel like people are putting a lot of words in people's mouths.
The proper response here is for him to reopen the conversation and say something like, "I felt very hurt when you suggested we get a sperm donor. I like who I am - height and all - and I would be proud to have a child that turned out like me, and I hope you would be, too. So in response to your comment, no, I absolutely do not want to use a sperm donor. I want my own, biological children. Is that a problem for you?"
And then if her response is anything other than apologies for making him feel like shit and happiness and reassurance that she is completely okay with having his biological children, well then we have this conversation about her being a cold-hearted bitch.
But I feel like him opening this conversation and getting to the bottom of how she truly feels is the right next step before we jump to that.
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[–]needathrowawayplease 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Here's the problem.
Depression is something everyone can agree is a bad thing. It affects anyone's life negatively.
But to a short guy who's overcome the insecurities and moved past them, he doesn't see being short as a bad thing even though a lot of other people do. And he wants a romantic partner that doesn't see it as a bad thing, either.
He wants to believe his partner doesn't give a second thought to his height. Because he's been told for his entire life that he's less attractive, less powerful, less masculine because of this factor, and he's seen a large percentage of women go for the taller guy for his entire life.
But now he's in a relationship with someone that he considers above that, a girl who is part of the smaller percentage of women who don't care about height.
He's categorised her as one of the good ones. On his team.
What she said though, has turned his entire world on it's head. Suddenly, it's not him and her against the world, she's part of that world that thinks being short is a bad thing. Something you wouldn't wish upon your children.
You believe that she's just thinking of the children. But the problem with that is she's choosing to agree with the others that being short is a bad thing. It's giving in to that toxic mentality.
Try to look at it as some other people in this thread put it.
Think about if it was interracial marriage in the 1960s, and a white woman told her black husband they should just get a white sperm donor so that the children wouldn't have to deal with racism. It's giving into that toxic mentality and basically saying "who you are is less important than appeasing the assholes who think this shit matters".
It doesn't even matter whether she's saying "I don't want short kids" or "I don't want our kids to deal with this". Either way that's acknowledging her own belief that short men are inferior.
And finally, women in this thread just don't seem to realise the significance of telling a man his genes won't be passed on. For many men, the idea that your lineage is continuing isn't just about the social influence you had upon your child, but about the idea that it's a genetic descendant of yourself. There's a reason some people want to have their own kids and not adopt.
Even if she had the best intentions, telling a man you don't want his genes is really the ultimate worst thing you can say to him. Ever.
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[–]GrizzledFart 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
But she hasn't outright told her partner that. She has asked for his thoughts on the manner, given that he has struggled with his height in the past.
Horse puckey! No, she didn't come right out and say "I want a different father for my children", but she did suggest it. Try to defend her all you want on exactly how she presented the idea of having someone else father her children, but everyone who reads the OP knows exactly what the deal is.
She brought up the suggestion that someone other than her husband father her children. You can't spin that away.
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[–]rotten42 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
what a horrible thing to say to your partner.
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[–]MsPurkle 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
I don't think walking out is the answer, especially if you've generally been a happy couple until now. Everyone fucks up occasionally and it doesn't sound like she was trying to be malicious. If you're unsure, try flipping the situation: if you'd tried suggesting something to your wife, something you knew she was sensitive about and you hurt her, how would you want her to react? To tell you, so you don't hurt her again or for her to clam up or walk out, giving you no chance whatsoever to redeem yourself?
As r/kimb00 said, she's probably trying to think this through in terms of whether you want to risk passing the trait on to your children, rather than not thinking of you as good enough to father her children. If she didn't think you were good enough, she'd not be making long-term plans like that.
However, is it harsh and has clearly hurt you, especially as it seems to be something you're sensitive about. You really need to talk to her about this.
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[–]Seppuku50 18 points19 points20 points  (2 children)
Right in the heart. There's no coming back from that, she thinks your genes are inferior.
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[–]rdytoroll 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
You're absolutely right. What the fuck is going on in this thread.. I can't believe these posters. People defending her actions? Thats one of the most hurtful things to say to your partner. Just crazy how far people are willing to go to explain everything away
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[–]midwestwatcher 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
This is exactly what's bugging me too. This sub takes a pretty liberal view of relationships and takes a friendly view of feminism, which is fine. But to go 0 to 60 from "We are more than our biology and are all equals" to "Well, a woman sometimes has to think about her offspring" is some crooked reasoning. That's some state-of-nature stuff right there.
Height is unquestionably a secondary sex characteristic. Imagine if he wanted to have kids with someone with bigger boobs.
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[–][deleted]  (1 child)
[deleted]
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    [–]Noellani 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    That's really weird logic your wife has OP. I'm a redhead and I was picked on all through childhood because of it. I absolutely hated my hair. But as I got older I realized, my hair is fine, it was the mean ass lids that was the problem. Most people realize this as they get older. If we take all our insecurities or flaws and claim them not good enough to reproduce, we would never reproduce.
    That's like a black couple choosing a white sperm donor to avoid (some, not all) racial remarks their child might receive. That's not solving anything, its avoiding.
    We go through shit that's makes us who we are, so when we do have children they can hopefully learn from us. And those kids will have new issues that they can then pass on to their children. And so on and so forth. We don't give up on ourselves or accept ourselves as not good enough, we strive for better and accept the things we cannot change.
    Personally, I would be very offended and want to understand her mindset here. Time to stop biting your tongue and talk to her.
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    [–]FroggyMcnasty 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    I'm 5'5 - 5'6 and while it's not exactly easy being short it isn't too much of a problem. What your wife said was cruel, and disgusting. You're good enough to front the bill for a kid but not have one that is biologically yours because you are short? Fuck that noise. She knew how hurtful that would be and she did it anyway.
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    [–]RdawgTheProgrammer 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
    Jesus.. First off, you need to stop sucking things up and saying nothing. I realize how tough this is. I had to train myself to stop this behavior over several years.
    Second, what she said was absolutely awful. But this is not a reason to walk out, yet. To answer your question, yes that is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask her after she said something like that. Explain to her that what she said hurts, have a discussion. But don't back out like you did before. Effective communication is incredibly important here.
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    [–]nowandlater 26 points27 points28 points  (5 children)
    Fake sleep? Are you that scared of an uncomfortable conversation with your wife?
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    [–]avacynangelofhope 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
    He might have felt so gutted that he might not have known how to respond at the time, and pretending to be asleep was his way of stepping away from the situation. I'm not saying it's super mature, I'm just saying he was just dealt a devastating blow and might not have wanted to lash out at her.
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    [–]daytodave 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
    He was probably in shock and, yes, scared of how he might react after that massive bombshell with no time to process.
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    [–]Shiepdawg 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Have you never needed time to process and deal with something?
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    [–]coverttoad 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I could understand getting angry and not wanting to talk in that moment, but I'd probably just get up to go sleep in another room or tell her that she should have a long hard quiet think about what she just said.
    I could also understand getting angry and calling her out on what she said right then and there.
    But pretending to sleep? I just don't get it...
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    [–]bmk19 14 points15 points16 points  (0 children)
    "I want a random man's dna over yours, but you can still raise it and pay for half of my living expenses! Tee Hee!" This is like some weird form of alpha fux beta bux I've never even seen before, how incredibly hurtful/arrogant of her to ever suggest.
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    [–]mr_shush 33 points34 points35 points  (6 children)
    What your wife said was hurtful and thoughtless, but I think your reaction is bit extreme. She obviously believes your height has had a huge negative impact on your life and believed that you would do anything to spare your child that pain. She is wildly mistaken, of course, but it seems like that's where she's coming from. This is a very different way of thinking than what you're assuming (that she doesn't think you're good enough) and while the end still hurts, it comes from a very different place.
    This certainly merits a very honest discussion with your wife about how much she hurt you, but divorce over this? Unless you're certain she doesn't think your genes are good enough (and she's sadly mistaken about how the whole genetic lottery process works if she thinks is as simple as tall father = tall son), I think that's an overreaction.
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    [–]Wittgenfine 4 points5 points6 points  (3 children)
    This is a very different way of thinking than what you're assuming (that she doesn't think you're good enough)
    I completely agree, and I think that a lot of commenters are missing this point - she didn't say she'd prefer to use a donor, she asked if he would prefer it. It seems to me like she is worried that their kids might experience intense teasing and/or insecurities. I really hope OP gives us all some more information about those two conversations they had in the past about his height, because that will help us understand her perspective much better.
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    [–]squeezethesoul101 18 points19 points20 points  (1 child)
    You need to approach your wife and you need to explain to her what she said was not okay and how disrespected and hurt you are by that. She knows how bothered you are by your height insecure you were in the past about your height and her asking about getting a sperm donor shows how selfish she is. It's not like you have a genetic, life-altering condition you can pass onto your child or you can't have kids. She's choosing benefiting something so small over not having biological kids with her husband, which is an eye-opener to me.
    Her reaction to your confrontation should tell you what to do next.
    Edit: you mentioned in another comment you're okay with your height, a poor choice of words on my part, I apologize.
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    [–]allpregnantandshit 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
    Yes exactly. Only if this dude had a genetic disease that could ultimately cause the children to be severely disabled or die prematurely would this be an okay question to ask.
    When you marry someone and you are thinking about having kids, you are marrying every part of them, the good and the bad, and nonverbally accepting that their genetics will become part of your future offspring. If you have lived a relatively normal life, have a wife, etc, I don't really believe your wife has a valid concern in this matter. It seems like it would be more of an aesthetic desire on her part to have taller children. And in that case, don't marry a short dude if you're hell bent on having tall kids.
    In any case, I'm sorry OP. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt.
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    [–]funchy 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    What a horrible, insensitive, vain thing to say. Maybe she should get an egg donor so she doesn't pass on her horrible traits?
    No you can't divorce because of one insensitive comment. But you need to communicate how hurtful and horrible it was. And if she still doesn't get it, drag her ass to marriage counseling.
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    [–]69ingGoats 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    Ask her if you should get a new wife since she's an unempathetic asshole.
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    [–]attemptnumber12 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
    Ouch. Tell her firmly that you cannot consider this as an option and that you were deeply hurt. On the other hand, perhaps she just doesn't want your future children to grow up with the same insecurities you've faced (given the way she worded this suggestion)... but still, very understandable that you are not okay with this. Talk to her. Good luck.
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    [–]gibberingsimpleton 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Talk to her about it. She probably thought she was being sensitive but it came out the opposite.
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    [–]tfresca 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Think of this if you were black and talked about the discrimination you faced would her question be okay? Fuck no. I feel like she's shallow and got with Op because she dotes on her. BTW. I'm taller than both my parents.
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    [–]TheGreatShamer 12 points13 points14 points  (6 children)
    DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS WOMAN.
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    [–]Beastafer 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
    Personally I'd be out.
    I'm not the guy to go nuclear, but who the fuck does she think she is to say something like that?
    I love my girlfriend. I cannot wait to marry and have kids with her and see what gorgeous kids we will have.
    Your wife didn't marry you to see what gorgeous kids you'd have. She married you so you could be a wallet. She wants kids with someone else, and you're there to pay the bills.
    I'm really sorry man. You can talk to her, and I would go see a counselor, but her shit would be outside in the curb the next day.
    Edit: I'm 6'5" man, I don't have a height issue, but I do have an issue where some asshole bases their decisions about people based on their height.
    Your wife is that asshole. Your wife doesn't want your kids because you're "too short" for her.
    Fuck her. There are PLENTY of women out there that would LOVE a guy like you in their lives. You seem like a great guy that knows his shit, and that's better than probably 50% of other guys out there.
    Fucking leave. She has NO respect for you.
    Find someone who lives YOU. All of you. Not just your wallet.
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    [–]eightiesladies 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
    My brother in law was unlucky and got some height genes from his shorter grandparents. His four year old daughter is the tallest in her class. Your height is not a guarantee your children will be short, and even if they are, good parents can build up their self esteem enough that it won't matter. My BIL was very popular, and excelled in sports that didn't prioritize height, like weightlifting and swimming.
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    [–]Regina_Phalange- 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    She is a terrible person for thinking that is ok. Imagine if you said honey, I know you have had problems with your weight and I don't want our kids to struggle with that. Is it ok if we get an egg donor? It's incredibly hurtful and shallow. Why would she marry someone she deems not good enough to father her children? Your height shouldn't matter. It does not define you and shouldn't define any prospective future children.
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    [–]bookswithdragons 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I think your wife had some stupid thoughts that she stupidly said. It sounds like that idea just popped up in the mist of her pre-sleep thoughts and she just said it.
    Does excuse her. It is a terrible insult, and you should feel hurt. I scarcely think of a more horrible think to hear then "I'm not sure if you should father our children."
    Let her know what your feelings are. Focus on your feelings, not her actions or intentions. If he is anguished and mortified and not serious and sorry she hurt you, good. If she pushes back and tries to strengthen her argument, then your instinct to leave isn't unjustified.
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    [–]chanilastname 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Oh man how long before this gets locked.
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    [–]neverforget6million 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
    1) This is not an okay question to ask. 2) She doesn't love you. Anybody with that sort of mentality does not respect you and does not see you as a proper partner. 3) She doesn't trust you and is using you. She wants your successes, but not YOU. "Oh yeah honey I love how you're a good person and all, but I just want children from somebody else!"
    Bounce and don't come back.
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    [–]needathrowawayplease 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    She doesn't respect you. I probably wouldn't want to have kids with her after that.
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    [–]bettybetsy 9 points10 points11 points  (20 children)
    Have you treated your life like a consolation prize due to your height? As in if you were taller you wouldn't have had to settle?
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    [–]kashdfkjh[S] 21 points22 points23 points  (18 children)
    Have I? God no. I'm fine with my height.
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    [–]cookiepusss 21 points22 points23 points  (11 children)
    Then why would she say "after all the problems you've had with your height..."?
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    [–]kashdfkjh[S] 22 points23 points24 points  (9 children)
    I have absolutely had problems in the past with the way people treated me because of my height. But in terms of my own relationship with my height, I'm completely fine with it.
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    [–]citizenkane86 38 points39 points40 points  (8 children)
    just a thought, could you have complained about it enough that she maybe thought you didn't want your child to go through life being short and dealing with the problems?
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    [–]kashdfkjh[S] 15 points16 points17 points  (5 children)
    Maybe but I don't think so. I mean, I've never complained about it. There's been times when she wants to know more about me, so I tell her. But I've literally only spoken to her about my height on two occasions.
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    [–]welovesloths 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
    This was my thought, as well.
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    [–]citizenkane86 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    He may not be meaning too, but just this thread comes off as really insecure, and he may not be insecure, but that's absolutely the way it comes off and she might have picked up on that more than once over 4 years
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    [–]bettybetsy 23 points24 points25 points  (4 children)
    Are you really fine? How deeply rooted are the insecurities that you've expressed to her in the past?
    I believe that she pulled these thoughts from your previous conversations, rather than out of thin air.
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    [–]kashdfkjh[S] 21 points22 points23 points  (2 children)
    I've never had a problem commanding respect or getting jobs because of my height, the only problem I've had is girls being very cruel about it. It hurt and it made me a little insecure, but in the sense that I wanted a girl to accept me for my height, not that I wanted to be taller.
    I expressed to her the rejections that I experienced in the past and that I was grateful that she didn't care. Not much beyond that.
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    [–]yogapantsareforever 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
    How not-tall are you? If you don't mind me asking
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    [–]Kitty_party 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    That's such a nice way of asking lol.
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    [–]zlke 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
    It doesn't sound like you're fine with it. At least from the wife's perspective.
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    [–]FatFatKittyCat 9 points10 points11 points  (8 children)
    Just playing devils advocate, but maybe she was thinking from the perspective of a mother wanting to protect her children from all of the problems and insecurities you had growing up?
    I mean, she went about it in the most shitty way. Either way you're her husband - you need to tell her that hurt you and ask why she wants a sperm donor.
    How tall are you?
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    [–]MrLinderman 17 points18 points19 points  (5 children)
    What happens if he told her he wanted to adopt because she had small boobs and got made fun of in grade school? Would you have the same opinion then?
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    [–]tldrNOTaCPA 13 points14 points15 points  (2 children)
    Of course not, I don't understand how this double standard still exists. u/FatFatKittyCat certainly wouldn't be asking 'what is your cup size' at the end of her comment.
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    [–]FatFatKittyCat 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
    If that was the subject of the post, I certainly would have asked. The entire post is about his height - I'm curious how tall he is. There have been posts on this sub where woman have complained their spouse didn't like their weight and people have asked their height/weight. This is no different. But he is under zero obligation to answer. I'm just curious.
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    [–]TheRosesAndGuns 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Wow, that's harsh. You need to tell her how you feel about it, because there's no way that's the decent thing to say about your husband fathering your children.
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    [–]ziggy_karmadust 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    That's a really insensitive and hurtful, but TALK to her about how that made you feel before you leave her. Tell her how it made you feel. DONT say "In what universe is it okay to ask a man something like that?" You want to approach is from the perspective of how what she asked made you feel, not from an accusatory perspective. This is an important point for any sensitive subject that could cause an argument.
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    [–]thereisnospatula 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    After a few seconds of silence she says "sweety?" and looks up at me. I close my eyes instantly and present to be asleep.
    Doesn't really get more awkward than that :/
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    [–]Eightdaysago 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You need to communicate how hurtful that was. Pretending to be asleep to avoid it won't help, but it might be worth adding that you did it because of how you were hurt by the statement. I'd also educate her on genetics. Just because you are short, doesn't necessarily indicate your children will be, especially if any of her family members are tall. My siblings and I tower over my father. My maternal uncles and great grandfather are extremely tall, as a result my siblings and I stand out at family reunions with my dad's side.
    Also, no my mother did not cheat or use a sperm donor ;)
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    [–]Lokieda 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Something like that must have been crushing to your self esteem. But don't worry because things like this are usually just passing concerns and nothing more. You should explain to her that it was a hurtful thing to say and that if you two are going to have a kid together (unless for a medical reason) it is going to be YOUR kid, not a sperm donor's. Also if it makes you feel any better I personally come from two parents who are both shy of 5 4" and I am 6 feet tall. I am taller then all my brothers who are still above 5 4". Gentics can be a crap shoot and your kid could tower over you or he could be 3 foot, even if you were tall. Honestly at the end of the day you won't know how tall your child will be until their teen years and even then their height won't change how much you and your wife will love them. Best of luck to the both of you
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    [–]theultimatewarriors 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    If it was me (and this is just out loud thinking) I'd tell her I pretended to be asleep instead of laughing at her once you realized she was serious and your first thought was marrying someone who wanted your children. But there are more options, so ask her if she would be ok if you had sex with a much taller woman simply to have a child that you two would then raise (because having your own child is very important to you). You could even say you did it to avoid a fight, but that you think you guys need to have an honest talk because this situation merits more options. If she's married to you but doesn't want to have your children, that's fine you aren't going to judge her, but that just isn't going to work for you and it's probably best you guys move on right now instead of having these problems come up later.
    This whole thing has a huge chance of becoming a "Tit for Tat" argument, and everyone loses when you have those, and even worse this is about physical traits, so everybody definitely loses because you'll both just be pointing out flaws. Don't do it! Do you believe in your genes? Well fuck yes you do, look who you are and all the things you've survived through, there are plenty of other women who would be interested in having sex with you. If she has a problem with height, then maybe she won't have a problem if you guys got a really tall woman involved to carry your sperm and then raise that child...right? I mean, it's practically the same scenario, so why would your wife have a problem with that? Maybe that will give her a sudden "oh shit, that's not what I want" moment.
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    [–]Spidersx 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I read this subreddit time to time but this is the first time I'm posting just to say, my jaw dropped when I read the title.
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    [–]LackingTact19 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I think the most important thing is communication so you can get a better feel for her intentions by making a statement like that. I can't think of many things that would be more superficial to give as a reason for finding a donor, and having a child that is a union of the two of you should be a given. Update once you've spoken with her please, interested in hearing more about this
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    [–]vl06 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I've expressed a similar concern regarding some of my own physical issues. Nothing debilitating, but I have awful feet. I've had at least some foot/ankle injury and been in pain for more days than I've been healthy for the past two decades. My mom and grandmother have had the same issues. Why would I want to pass that shit on? Oh, and there's a lot of incidences of brain cancer in our family.
    Every time I've mentioned these concerns to anyone because it was relevant to a conversation or something, it has not been received well. Like I'm crazy because I'd rather adopt than "make something that looks like me."
    Anyway, if she thinks you view your height as a bad thing, then this isn't unreasonable. If you've never expressed concern with your height, then it's kinda weird. I doubt she has some kind of bias against short people if she's planning to have children with a short person.
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    [–]Treebranch1 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    HOLY SHIT. Lowest of the low. That's the kind of comment you never forget and it eats at you for the rest of your life. I wonder if women can understand why that's such a horrible comment on so many levels.
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    [–]neutralstrike 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
    Typical sexist comments here on this subreddit. Turn it around. What if it was the man who said to his wife, should we get an egg donor because of your issues being overweight.
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    [–]silverraven1189 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
    I'm a bit chubby. 170lbs on a 5'6" frame, but I'm comfortable with myself since I have a fair amount of muscle and a big chest, which adds weight.
    I've vented to my boyfriend about how I wish I didn't have to constantly work out/watch what I eat and how I hate having big breasts. If he suggested an egg donor because of my weight issues, I'd be completely heartbroken and question whether or not he was truly okay with how I looked.
    I can't give you any advice, but I can say that you shouldn't feel guilty for being hurt. I'd be hurt too. Don't let your wife gaslight you and tell you it's no big deal, because it is, and she needs to realize how hurtful it was for her to say that.
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    [–]liquid_j 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Empathy like that will serve her well as a mother....
    Can't blame you for considering leaving.
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    [–]ficklefawn 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    It's a dumb, thoughtless thing to say but I don't think it's divorce-worthy. At least talk to her, don't assume anything about what she thinks - just ask her.
    To me it sounds like she was thinking that you had such a rough time because of your height that maybe you wouldn't want to pass it on to your child if they would have to go through the same thing. Again, dumb thing to say/assume, but give her a break, maybe she had no ill intention saying that. Ask her about it.
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    [–]ccccccchhhhhhhhhhhh 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I am not going to have kids because of my height. Why pass on the short man curse?
    If she wants taller genes then let her, but with someone else.
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    [–]AwesomeNameGenerator 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Agree to a sperm donor if you can get an egg donor because her chest is too small.
    Note: Do not take this advice.
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    [–]PeteMichaud 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Well, that was dumb.
    Either all the rabid people here are correct that she's using you for your wallet, or she just really thought it had hurt you so much you'd want something different for your kids and she totally lacked the perspective to see how devastating such a question could be.
    In the first case, I'd say it's over. In the second case, you should probably just show her this post and thread, then talk from there about repairing the damage.
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    [–]guldumar 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Holy shit. I'm 5'4", not the tallest of gents but certainly on the wrong side of the mean. I cannot countenance my spouse suggesting such a thing! She wouldn't be my spouse! Does she even understand what it means to ask for a sperm donor from a fertile man! It's a clear statement of rejection. 'your DNA, the fibre of who you are is not good enough'. I mean GATTACA!
    What if you were 'race A' and she was 'race B' and she said something long the lines of 'I dont want race A' kids. What. The. Fuck.
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    [–]xaphody 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    My dad is 5" 5', while I am 6" 1'. He hates it when I kiss him on the forehead, which is why I do it.
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    [–]donteattheshrimp 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    I'm just impressed you did't respond with "Maybe we can get an egg donor too and avoid your dumb, ugly face!".
    What an awful thing to suggest. I think you need to sit down with her and ask her how she really feels about your height and determine if that's the actual problem here. If she really thinks this is a viable solution to your own insecurities then calmly explain to her what a ridiculous idea that is. If she finds you genetically inferior just because of your height, you may need to reconsider this marriage.
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    [–]dandar4600 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Way to man up there by pretending to be asleep.
    Admit that you were faking to be asleep cause you were so shocked and enraged by that suggestion and wanted time to think. Then tell her that this was the last time she brought this idea and if she entertains it again you might as well go your separate ways.
    Ps. Remember to DNA test your kids. After that bombshell you never know.
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    [–]ismellreallybad 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    I don't even think talking to her will solve this issue.
    This runs deep. Anyone that would say that to you...the way she did? That's a deep signal to how she thinks about you. Talking to her and telling her how much it hurt you will solve nothing.
    She will always be the kind of woman who would say some shit like that.
    I mean, imagine if she gets pregnant a year from now. You more than likely will be wondering in the back of your mind if she went ahead and found her sperm donor.
    Holy shit, man. That one single comment really told you quite a bit about the person you are married to.
    Some things you can't undo, and this is one of those moments.
    I wish you the best of luck man.
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    [–]dbarts21 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Woah. Yeah. Talk about it. Let her know that it was hurtful.
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    [–]DelousedBeagles 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    You need to work on dealing with problems as they come up instead of pretending like you are asleep. Have a talk with her about how much that hurts and if she wants a sperm donor then she shouldn't be with you to begin with.
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    [–]j-shmo 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    That is straight fucked. Definitely need to have a talk and find out what her motivations are behind this. The least incriminating logic behind asking you that is she doesn't want your kids to go through the same hardships you did because of your height. I have no idea what you went through, but you made it out and seem to be okay. So if anything your kids are going to be strong just like you are, in exchange for a couple inches. Not anything valid for her to not want biological kids with you.
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    [–]BiznessCasual 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Wow. Just... Wow.
    You need to have this discussion asap. Tell her what you told us.
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    [–]dontkeepthename 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Honestly, just my opinion -- that is FUCKED UP. What an emasculating comment.
    I'd talk to her, figure out what she meant. You have to be honest and tell her you were insulted. If it was just a misunderstanding and she was concerned about your past, give her an out.
    BUT THAT'S FUCKED UP.
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    [–]WesternGate 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Just tell her it's fine with you if she can't bear the possibility of having a short kid, but wouldn't she just rather adopt, because even with a sperm donor the kid could still wind up with her fat face or weird tits...
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    [–]PizzaBoner 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    She just banged you and was probably feeling pretty confident that whatever she had to say wouldn't be taken the wrong way. She might have intended it to be thoughtful. Everyone here is talking like they have never said something stupid and hurtful because they didn't think about what they were saying. Have some patience and humility and give her a chance to explain herself - then decide what to do.
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    [–]IsItMyTurnYeti 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    My husband isn't tall and I'm currently pregnant. Will our kid be short? Probably! If I cared about that though, I wouldn't have married him. It sounds like she is the one that has "problems with your height". I mean, this isn't divorce-worthy IMO, but you need to tell her that you heard her and you need to tell her how it made you feel. I wouldn't ignore it.
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    [–]RealHorrorShowLike 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    There is a really large part of this story missing. I hope Op can update us with the truth because to me, his wife was making a very conscious decision with her words. She knew exactly what she was saying and I believe it stems from issues Op has told her in the past.
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    [–]welovesloths 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    There is always the chance she thought that because there were issues with insecurity, you might want to spare any future child from dealing with that, so she made the offer for that reason. You should ask her what she meant before freaking out - you even had the chance to ask her when she brought it up, but chose not to. You might be overreacting, but will never know until you find out exactly what she meant. She obviously chose you to be with, so she can't have THAT much of a problem with it. Her motives may not be as misguided as they seem. Or she's a total bitch... only one way to know...
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    [–]BowsNToes21 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Wonder if she'd be up for an egg donor since she has x physical feature that isn't the greatest. That's beyond fucked up to say to a partner.
    Honestly after that comment it would be hard for me not to doubt the paternity of any children my wife has to be mine.
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    [–]alohatiki 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    Wow...that was so wrong..because ur to short? tell her you want a egg donor that isn't a bitch...lmao sorry man
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    [–]Ambassador_Ch0n 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    I'm guessing she married you for your money, correct?
    Geez dude.......there is no way to sugarcoat what she said. She doesn't want your children .
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    [–]RadRobot13 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    dont walk out on her. You admit that you have a problem by not expressing yourself, biting your tongue, etc
    well stop biting and start talking. yes what she said is offensive and rude as fuck. . well let her know. rushing to divorce is a bit extreme but if you dont stand up for yourself and just break things off. . that is not the smart thing either.
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    [–]jonthemaud 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I close my eyes instantly and (pretend) to be asleep.
    There is virtually nothing that she could have said that would have hurt me more, surely she knows that.
    based off this limited info, it seems to me like there might be a communication problem...do you think so?
    I know you are upset, and on the surface it seems like you certainly are justified in feeling so.
    But come on man, surely you can talk to your wife of four years about this.
    on the other hand, I've know a few people who have used this tactic to suggest their SO's get breast implants.
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    [–]adirtyrobot 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Holy mother of dealbreakers. RUN.
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    [–]boomberrybella 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    This thread is fixated on OP's height and (supposed) insecurities. It should really be focused on OP's poor response to his wife's bonehead comment.
    OP, talk to your wife and tell her how insensitive her comment was. Don't make her mistake and do it after sex, while you're still in bed, and talking about kids. Find out why she made that comment and get an apology.
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    [–]awildwoodsmanappears 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    "Honey, I've been thinking... how about I go get a mute woman pregnant so our kids won't have your fat mouth?"
    No don't really say that unless you do want the divorce. But I see where you're coming from and that's just a horrible thing to say. You're going to have to talk to her.
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    [–]moussey 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I can understand why you're thinking of walking out on her. I can't imagine her thought process. When I fantasize about my future children with my SO, I always imagine little kiddo versions of him. That's what I'd hope anyone would want when dreaming of their future biological children w their loved one
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    [–]YesILeftHisAss2398 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Well, have you spoken to her about how this hurts your feelings? You need to communicate with your spouse. It sounds like she is talking in reference to some problems you have had with your height. I dont know if its medical issues or not, but you have to work through issues in a marriage, not shut down. I imagine it was surprising to you and unexpected. But you have had some time to digest it so its time to work through it.
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    [–]ZeroWF 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You need to sit down and talk with her. She needs to realize that she unintentionally broken the image you had of her.
    GL op, and keep us updated.
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    [–]cursethedarkness 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Wow, that's awful. At the very least you two need to see a counselor to see if your marriage can be saved. The worst thing you can do is ignore the comment and let it fester.
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    [–]1wf 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    "with all of the problems, you've had with your height
    LOL wow. Thats just fucked up./
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    [–]floppymammarygland 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    annnnnnnd your wife has no respect for you
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    [–]frostfire1337 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
    And here we see a classic example of a woman trying to obtain the best of both worlds: designer genes, and a man who doesn't have designer genes to orbit her and provide for the child's every care while she goes into nesting mode. She has no clue that this gene promulgation is a prerogative for the man as well, and that every day he will look down and know that it is not his child. It is not from his flesh. It is not blood. It is an imposter.
    This points towards a systemic distrust in the husbands abilities, much worse than the man simply calling the wife fat, or ugly or even stupid. She is calling him all of these in the most sincere heartfelt way and saying that his genetic material and by extension his personal traits are so inferior he does not have a single redeeming factor over a sperm from a sperm bank. This is wrong, and she has no redeeming arguments or anything that she can say that can whitewash or sugarcoat what she said. She is a truly horrible person. Absolutely terrible.
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    [–]Lv2Drum 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Being adopted, I have to disagree that raising a non genetic child is an absolute "imposter". My parents and I share no genetics, but they tried for 9 years with no success, so here I am. And they are absolutely my parents. I may find my genetic family somebody but they could never replace the family that's raised me.
    I will say that I do agree that if OP is able to have children of his own then there is absolutely reason to need a sperm donor, or for his wife to ask that of him.
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    [–]mattb2k 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    "with all of the problems of your stupidity, maybe we should get a sperm donor".
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    [–]chitown851 -1 points0 points1 point  (3 children)
    I don't believe this is real. If it is, you should divorce her immediately.
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    [–]Lukeofthehighorder 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    It's bait. It's working.
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    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
    [deleted]
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      [–]arcxiii 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      You should tell her that even if it was a joking suggestion how much it hurt you. Don't let it slide otherwise you'll just resent her and she won't even know why. She might not have thought you heard her if you just pretended to be asleep.
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      [–]ULookinAtMeLookinAtU 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
      Let me guess, she wants to collect the donation personally?
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