This is an interesting, albeit sad, statistic.
First of all, it is disheartening to think that 50 percent of marriages fail.
Second, it is illuminating that 80 percent of the divorces are filed by the wife.
Husbands, I believe this says something about the problems in marriage and where many of them stem from. I want to be very clear that I do NOT believe that all problems in marriage are caused by men. Both husband and wife bring their own set of issues and concerns and together they should work through them.
What I do believe this statistic demonstrates is that there are more women unsatisfied with their marriages, at least to the point of ending them, than there are men. There are certainly many reasons for the dissatisfaction that exists but I posit that the husband and his actions (or lack of actions) plays a significant role in causing and sustaining the dissatisfaction.
I've reflected on this. I've done some more reading and research on marriage and divorce rates. I've discussed this with my wife. I've prayed about it. I've talked to and observed couples who have been married for a long time. Why?
To help us husbands do a better job keeping our wives happy.
Here's what I've come up:
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| Photo courtesy of Vial Photography |
- Tell your wife that you love her. Tell her often. Tell her why you love her. Never let her forget.
- Show your wife that you love her. Hold her hand. Kiss her on the cheek. Put your arm around her. Gaze at her lovingly. And don't be afraid to do these things in public as well as in private.
- Listen to your wife. She has important things to say. Counsel with her on issues that involve the family. She is an equal partner in your marriage and make sure that she feels that way. Ask her about her day and then pay attention (especially to the little things). This reminds her that you value her.
- Talk to your wife. Share with her your struggles, achievements, thoughts, and dreams. Share your opinions and beliefs (in a gentle and kind way; often men can be too forceful about their opinions and beliefs). What you think is who you are and she should know you better than anyone else.
- Physically acknowledge her (in a non-sexual way). When you walk by her gently squeeze her arm. Quickly run your hand across her back. Tuck her hair behind her ear. This shows her that you enjoy being near her and that she is important to you; that you're not just two people cohabitating.
- Anticipate her needs. What can you do to make her life a little bit easier? Maybe you could load the dishwasher? Wipe off the table? Fill up her car's gas tank? Make her lunch the night before?
- Remember that your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. And make sure that she knows that you know it.
- Let her recharge her battery. We all have things that bring us down and wear us out and sometimes in order to overcome them we just have to get away. Let your wife have an evening off to spend with her friends or take a day off of work to go shopping or simply sleep (that's what my wife would love!). Let her get away from it all.
- Help her soar. Encourage her in her dreams and throw your full support behind her in her endeavors. Cami's adventures/endeavors over the last few years have included direct selling for Dove Chocolate Discoveries, starting her own Etsy chocolate shop, and writing a few children's books. To show her that I believe in her (and I sincerely do) I paid for her to take a series of courses from the Institute of Children's Literature, helped her make her chocolates for Etsy, and even let her host a few chocolate parties for Dove at our home. I believe in my wife. So do you. Let her know.
- Mind the small and simple. Cami loves Crunch bars. The other day I brought her one. A friend offered it to me at work and I saved it so that I could give it to Cami. Never underestimate the effect that one seemingly small act can have on your wife's happiness. In the candy bar example it wasn't the chocolate that made Cami so happy (although that helped) it was the fact that I know that Cami loves Crunch bars and I made the effort to not eat it and give it to her. That's what women are really after.
Keeping our wives happy can be daunting at times but if we remember that we love them and make sure that they hear it, see it, and know it we'll be successful.
Good luck men!
Let me know what you would add to my list by leaving a comment. I would love to hear from you!
UPDATE: This post has received significant attention over the last little while. As you will note from the comments that have been left there is a great misunderstanding about my 10 suggestions above. I am NOT saying that divorce is a man's fault. I am saying that husbands can try harder. That does NOT mean that wives cannot or should not try harder. Of course they should. We all should. Here is a post I wrote in response to a comment that hopefully better explains what I am saying, Happy Marriages Show Some Respect.
This post continues to receive considerable attention. Recently I wrote another post elaborating on this topic. It is Divorce: Whose Fault Is It? Hopefully this further clarifies my position.
I hate seeing those types of statistics. :( I can't ever imagine life without my husband.
ReplyDeleteDitto Blair. My husband and I made a pact when we got married that divorce would never, ever, EVER be an option. With the help of Jesus, and his love and forgiveness in our lives, we'll stick to that.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I greatly appreciate your list of suggestions for husbands above-- right on!
(Maybe one for wives is in order as well? :) )
Great suggestion Jaimie! I'll have to put that together.
DeleteReally only one needed for the wives and you solve 80% of the problem. Wives, don't choose divorce!
DeleteWhere's the list for what a woman needs to provide in a union.?? Interesting, a man needs to be perfect. He can do 19 of the 20 things to show his partner he cares but the one thing he doesn't do has all the weight. I guess we are just emotionless machines with no needs of our own! Lol good luck people
DeleteMostly agreed, Except in the cases of Abuse and Infidelity...
DeleteLike most with most things, women do not know what they want. Again like most things they like the idea of marriage but not actually being married, why, because it's work and not this fairy tale they have built up in their minds. Women are less forgiving crates then men are and will hold a grudge. They want to change the person they have married, and when the man doesn't do an about face because they are married divorse.... you see if you don't like the man you are living with then don't marry them expecting change is wrong. We don't try to change women and their nagging horrible habbits. But leave a sick in the floor and watch the earth crumble beneath you.
DeleteNo... Obviously this doesn't pertain to all women just the majority of them probably about 80%... hahaha
Guys it's time to stop assuming the things you do and who you are as a man is wrong because a women doesn't like it. Maybe all this it hasn't been us but them.
Plenty men don't know what they want either. I've heard that from enough men to know that's true (and not just romantic partners but friends as well). Having a ton of male friends I have often been told about all the things they wish their gfs/wives would change. And I've had men try to change me. Not just my habits or the like but who I am, fundamentally, as a human being. They want to keep me around because they find me attractive yet they want to change who I am to suit them. Half the time they were never really interested in knowing me when they asked me out. I've dated guys who literally just wanted to stare at me (and I honestly don't think I'm anything special). How anyone could be content with that I don't know.
DeleteI know lots of women try to change men. Not all of course but yes. I've seen it. It may be because they don't want to look for another partner, they don't want a failed relationship, they don't believe they have enough options available when it comes to dating, they want them to be their best, or because they think it reflects upon them. If they are lacking self confidence they may feel that if someone changes for them it somehow proves their worth.
I've never tried to change a guy. Yes if they did something I really didn't like (and not little unimportant things like leaving the toilet seat up. I'm perfectly capable of putting it back down. Just don't piss on the lid) I would calmly communicate this (they may not even realize what they did or said was hurtful and had no bad intentions. Upon knowing this it's easier to let it go and not be offended in the future. Everyone is different and growing together involves learning those differences) and we could go from there. Even if it meant breaking up was best because we were simply not compatible. Same as if I did something they didn't approve of. And I wouldn't fuss about it. I can take criticism. I genuinely want to make the person I care about comfortable. As long as it's within reason and doesn't involve going against my values.
You cannot coexist without communicating your needs in a mature manner. Everyone will eventually do something you don't like. You will not agree on everything. This is inevitable. Human beings are meant to work together. But working together does not equal perfection. If you can't find a way to pick your battles, accept the small things and learn to compromise then it's best to move on. You are neither not compatible. Or one, or both, of you are not mature enough. If you accept someone you accept all of them, faults included. This doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't improve though. We should be self reflective and constantly striving for self improvement. Not perfection but to be the best we can be. A good relationship that is supportive is supposed to help us to become better people. Because it lifts us up to where we want to make the personal choice to do better. You don't get there by constantly being nagged at or forced.
Men most definitely hold grudges. I've known so many that couldn't get over something someone else did, weeks, months or even years after the fact. Guy that could not get over being angry with their exes. In fact often times they are worse for this because they have a harder time moving on. Also after reading lot of comments online it's very clear they most definitely hold grudges. They just don't talk about it OPENLY as much. They bottle things up more which can make things worse.
Too many people get married before they truly know what they want or without communicating their needs beforehand. This is an issue with maturity not age. I mean just watch the show "Divorce Court" and you'll see men AND women that both have unrealistic expectations. And who both feel overworked and unappreciated.
Remember you only have your experiences. It's not a question of 'us' or 'them'. People are just people. Period.
Chicken and egg. Perhaps the husband is not paying as much attention to his wife because she nags him, or takes a superior know-it-all tone?
ReplyDeleteThink Kate Gosselin. She plays the poor, put-upon wife magnificently, while craftily finding subtle ways to undercut her husband at every turn.
Men don't marry a woman so that they can disengage from her.
When a man disengages it is usually because his wife is disrespecting him. By the way, putting on a lot of weight is a form of disrespect.
Jack, I appreciate your honest thoughts. I actually wrote a response to your comment because I felt that it deserved its own post. You can read it here: http://www.uplifting-love.com/2013/10/happy-marriages-show-some-respect.html. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
DeleteWomen complain all the time. No attention, we don't spend enough time together and so on. Simply get away from each other and divorce. Be free and happy. Marriage is 50% failure, 70% of married couples admit to cheating.
DeleteIt is better for a man to stay single!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree. That is if he's going to treat his wife with less than the respect that she deserves.
DeleteNo, because it is not worth the financial and emotional risk of losing half your shit and access to your own children. The MGTOW movement is growing because women are pricing themselves out of the market. Articles like this are just further proof of women accepting no responsibility and always using the husband as the fall guy.
DeleteAccording to the statistics you just listed, that means you think 80% of men are not treating women "with the respect they deserve", i.e., not making women happy enough in their marriage.
DeleteThis may come across as a shock; but social pressure already shows us that women are the ones who want to get married, and who put pressure on their significant others to get married. Women are the ones who rejoice and tell their female friends "Look at my ring! Eeee!". Men are the ones who say "another good man bit the dust today", in joking disapproval.
This study shows one thing. Women are also the ones who want to end a marriage, once they are in one.
The conclusion is clear. Men should stop marrying them, because we didn't want to in the first place and they obviously didn't want to either.
That poster did not mean it as "if he's going to treat his wife with less than the respect that she deserves."
DeleteI'm sorry, but there's no data showing that these 80% of men -- who, if social opinion and reactions to engagements are any indication, didn't want to get married as much as their female partner in the first place -- didn't treat their spouses with respect. If that's the conclusion that you drew from it, you're going to need to support it with actual data.
All this shows, is that more women than men want to end their marriage. When you combine that with differing reactions to engagements in the wild("Look at the ring he got me, Eeeee! I'm so excited!" vs "Men. Grave news today. Another free and independent specimen bites the dust. No, no, just kidding, she seems wonderful."), one thing is clear.
Marriage is not doing men any favors.
MGTOW all the way brother! The bloggers and the mass media always tell us men what we are supposed to do, I mean just read this article! Do this, do that - dude! It does not say a word about women having to get a realistic outlook at life.
DeleteOne reason for the 80 percent is that the man stands to lose so much more, kids,house etc. The courts aren't kind to men in divorce. I think men sometimes feel it's better to stay in a stagnant marriage than lose everything.
ReplyDeleteThat's an interesting thought. You might be right in some cases. It would be fascinating to see a study of the reasons why people initiate a divorce.
DeleteHe's right in ALL cases. Plus the article simply ignores that women cheat as much as men do, so I am sure some of the divorces are just women going for a better (financial) deal. The attitude in your comments is very polly-anna.
DeleteWomen divorce, take the kids, make him pay money. Then she can get help from Uncle Sam. She can even get another man to contribute to her life. The divorced man ends up suicidal and drunk often.
DeleteThis article is part of the problems today as it relates to divorce. Marriage is a pact between husband and wife, each treating the other with respect, support and mutual affection. You are assuming because the women file in so high a rate that the men must not be upholding their part of the pact. This article just shows how little you understand on the issue and it is not a simple as women divorce because they are not being loved. Both parties to a marriage need to be shown the love and respect they deserve. Are the women divorcing because of them not getting the affection or because the husband is disposal for a better life and money (women not respecting marriage as much as men and/or current divorce laws allow them financial gains). When you state the woman is not getting the affection, what about the man? How can you simply state the woman doesn't get affection therefore she files for divorce, maybe she is not feeling the affection for the man so she files for divorce. Maybe she is seeking too much or not giving enough to help the marriage going or maybe she is not working at the marriage as hard as the man to get the marriage back on the right track. The only thing you can read from this high statistic is women are the party more than likely to give up on the marriage. The next question you have to ask is why and what are the results. Women are more likely to file for divorce because they do not lose as much and in some cases better off as a result of. Why is this? The current family court system and Divorce laws are outdated and need improvement. Because of the way divorce laws are handled it affects our children, economy and financial burden placed on the ability to retire, among many other problems. Our Children are affected because current divorce laws are so outdated they look at the Mother as the "stay at home" person still so they should automatically become the custodial parent. Don't both genders work in the workplace approx the same nowdays? The child is affected because numerous studies show children who do not the same amount of time with both the Mother & Father are more likely to have touble with schools, get involved with drugs, crime, etc. The only way to solve this is to update the divorce laws to a 50/50 arrangement rather than what it is today (approx 80/20). Would you be happy having your child only 2 out of 10 years? The 80/20 also means the Mother automatically gets child support. The child support payments are so high that it created the term "deadbeat dad" because many fathers I have spoke with that cannot pay there support because it is so outrageous would die to see their children. The Father can go to jail if they cannot pay for too long, but the Mother does not have to show in any way the support payment was actually spent on the child?? Another reason women so easily divorce, they can have an extra income in this troubling economy without any extra work. Why does divorce hurt the economy? What use to be one house payment, etc on two people's earning is now two on the same income. Why does this create a problem with retirement? Try paying outrageous child support for 20 years while your income is the same and save for retirement. Where is the extra money?
DeleteRather than say men must treat their women better (when actually the opposite is more true), try saying women respect the marriage better and work at it before discarding it so easily. The real solution is to realize it takes two to make a marriage work, better communication and when it absolutely cannot work and divorce is the only solution have updated divorce laws for the benefit of the children. the best solution for our children, economy and fairness to all is a 50/50 time with both parents and each pays for the time with them (negating child support). if you really want to help, join us that are truly fighting to change our State laws to get updated to today's standards.
Men would face much lower risks if we all followed a simple rule:
DeleteDon't Date Divorced Dames
My marriage to my unfaithful ex wife was a first marriage for both of us. No guarantee that the so-called Christian woman won't have an affair and divorce you.
DeleteI appreciate the article. Let us consider incentives for seeking or avoiding divorce. Which gender generally faces higher probability of being reduced to indentured servitude (child support payments, alimony payments, etc) in divorce?
ReplyDeleteA strong argument can be made that women aren't generally more "unsatisfied" with marriage than men, but rather the men face higher costs associated with divorce than do women. Thus men are more strongly incentivized to remain in an "unsatisfactory" marriage than women.
When you put two imperfect people together in an imperfect world, one cannot expect a perfect marriage. I think all men should put your suggestions in their walet and read them every day. On the other hand women need to realize that their husband isnt perfect and she needs to respect him for that. Marriages go through dry stages, and from my experience commitment is the most important think. I suspect that most of those 80% that filed could have had that wonderful marriage if they would have rushed into the big lie that says that divorse will enrich their lives.
ReplyDeleteLet me get this straight...
ReplyDeleteYou acknowledge that 80% of the divorces are filed by women, but then place the onus of change and action on husbands? In your words, "To help us husbands do a better job keeping our wives happy."
Did it ever occur to you that happiness is a choice? You cannot MAKE someone happy. You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs... not your wife's. That is up to her. Men are no more likely to be happy in a marriage than women, but the statistics support that they are far more likely to choose to work through the unhappiness toward healing. You're presenting a tortured line of reasoning that suggests Christian women are entitled to pursue divorce based simply on unhappiness (which I believe is currently the trend), and men should have their wife as an idol in order to prevent it.
Though I believe that you had good intentions in writing this article, it misses the mark and contributes to the real problem in Christian (and nonsecular) marriages. Women don't want to be women anymore, and men have become afraid to be men.
For further reading...
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/11/24/war-on-men/
Someone ACTUALLY gets it! Bravo Brian, bravo. Hit the nail on the head.
DeleteThe author of this diatribe is obviously a classic example of the problem; too many American men are manginas.
ReplyDeleteDid it ever occur to you that women divorce more because they are living the primary and foundational principle of feminism; freedom from responsibility?
Maybe you didn't realize that women are favored in family court, make up 97% of those that get alimony, are not as committed and exemplify the modern attitude of throw it away and get another one ?
Manginas like you encourage and enable these women with your self congratulatory attitude that makes you feel like you are being chivalrous and once again excusing bad behavior because you really do, in spite of your insincere disclaimer, think men are always at fault. Think you don't? Give some examples where you put it to the women as hard as you do men.
American women see marriage as a business and themselves as the CEO, executives and shareholders and view their husbands as the blue collar worker who makes it go. Marriage revolves around her and HER kids, except when she has to pay for them, and the husband is the obviously disposable component.
If women are so great in your eyes why is it that when men are ordered to pay child support to a woman fully 4% never pay but when a woman is ordered to pay child support to a man it is fully 46% that NEVER pay a dime. It's men's fault once again, isn't it ?
Why has the average first marriage age of men gone from 25 to 35 in the last 10 years? That's 1 year every year for 10 years! Men's fault that they don't want to marry princess, self entitlement eekwalitee minded womyn isn't it?
Terrorists want to kill Americans because they are women of both genders. Maybe look for your genitals or ask your wife to give them back.
Yeah, So how does 80% of divorces initiated by women translate to it being the man's fault? Read CopsAre Scums comment. He is exactly right. I have noticed, in my experience, that women are taught most of what they know about men by other women which is the worst source for advice on men. The reason, just like men will never fully understand women and their emotions the same is true from the opposite end. So women grow up with this unrealistic view of what a man should be like rather than learning how men really are. Then they get married and all is well for a while but then the man that they married isn't living up to their unrealistic expectations of him so they want out. Guess what women of the Disney era, prince charming doesn't exist. If a man is willing to give you his life and half of all that he owns then you should not take that for granted like so many do. Example, my friend sold his motorcycle, his most prized possession, so he could afford the engagement ring he bought his ex-wife. She filed for divorce after 3 years. I know my friend and he treated his spouse with respect and gave her everything she ever wanted that was within his power to obtain. Like CopsAre Scum said, most women want absolutely NO responsibility in their lives! Take my cousin, for example, mother of two kids basically abandoned her oldest son by sending him to boarding school after the divorce because she found a new sugar daddy to take her on vacations and to expensive restaurants and things of that sort and she had no more time to raise kids. All the while her ex husband is left to pick up the slack. Now I'm not a sexist or a chauvinist, but this article is bull shit. The only reason you should divorce your husband is if he abuses you physically, verbally or both, cheated on you, molested your children, or had an illegitimate child that just showed up unexpectedly. This whole emotional neglect BS is just an excuse for women to get out of a lifetime commitment that they agreed to honor until they died.
ReplyDeleteMen and women are both responsible for the relationship. But no one should stay in a relationship where they are the only one fighting for the relationship to work.
DeleteAthena, what on Earth does "fighting for the relationship to work" mean?
DeleteNeurotic control freak who wants the other to do as commanded, cajoled, nagged, or passive aggressively manipulated?
Show me any stats that indicate women are anywhere near as responsible in a relationship as men? Try explaining why over 96% of alimony payers are men. But women have EQUAL responsibility, right?
You obviously ignore the real problem, that over 80% of divorces are initiated by women. If it were men, would you be blaming women?
Can you please post a link to the exact page on which you found the 80% statistic? I can't find it anywhere.
ReplyDeleteThe numbers I've seen are around 66-75% of divorces are initiated by women.
ReplyDeleteTell your wife that you love her.
I told my ex-wife this every day.
Show your wife that you love her:
Tried to. When I'd try to sit with her on the sofa, she would just get up and move to the recliner.
Listen to your wife / Talk to your wife:
I'll address these two together. I suggested that we needed one hour a day that was just us, to talk, to connect, to be about one another. Never happened. Not because I didn't want it.
Ladies, if your husband asks you how you are and you say "fine" when you are not fine, he's not the problem here. Your failure to honestly communicate your state is the issue. If it's not important enough for you to be honest about how you feel/are, then why expect him to figure out something that isn't worth your honest reply?
Physically acknowledge her (in a non-sexual way):
Not everyone is into that sort of thing, see above regarding sitting with her on the sofa.
Anticipate her needs:
Did many of those things. Made sure never never had to worry about lawn, car, or home maintenance. I was the one doing dishes, taking out the trash, making sure she had the newer car while I drove the old beater.
Let her recharge her battery:
Her shopping and "recharging" almost bankrupted us.
Let her get away from it all:
Apparently, she never really wanted to get away from it all until she had an affair. Before, she was afraid to drive in the city. Once the affair started, suddenly, she had the courage to get away from it all by taking the scary drive she couldn't be bothered to do when we were married.
Mind the small and simple:
Not sure what to say after all the above. Sometimes you do many / most of the right things and your wife still lacks the moral courage to remain faithful to her vows.
Agreed, Blame the men as usual when unrestrained Hyper-gamy is the root cause of many divorces.
DeleteAgreed, Blame the men as usual and not blame a society that empowers unrestrained Hyper-gamy yet treats women like children.
DeleteOh, and on the "most beautiful woman" thing. I did that until she said it wasn't true and that it made her uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, a husband just can't win.
From this article I get; let your wife treat you like a cat toy, silently take all the abuse you can and then deal with the aftermath when she discards you. Give her everything, make her your her life, then when you're not getting any reward from your investment, and try to shield yourself from more disappointment because you've given up friends and hobbies and got nothing in return. She'll find a more exciting life and she knows there are no consequences for her to choose that life because the (ex) husband will still have to support her lifestyle. By the way I've been married twenty years, and my wife knows that if she screwed me over, I'd have no problem figuratively burning everything down around her and leave her in the ashes, even if meant jail time for me. We make decisions together, we support each other, we talk our problems out, like partners. not like "happy wife, happy life."
ReplyDeleteI think it is wonderful that you and your wife are equals. That is exactly how it should be! I wonder about your willingness toward "burning everything down around her" should she leave you but if that works for your marriage who am I to question it. It's just not the approach I would take. I would also like to invite you to read this post, http://www.uplifting-love.com/2014/06/divorce-whose-fault-is-it.html, where I think I do a better job explaining the message in this post. Regardless, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I appreciate it!
DeleteWithout a study for the reasons no meaningful conclusions can be drawn. It is just as wrong to say this means it is the fault of men as it is to say it means it is the fault of women.
ReplyDeleteOne could draw any conclusion really. While in some cases it may be that men are not upholding their end, there may be others where the women had unrealistic expectations of their husbands.
It is far too common for us to blame men these days. I think it is part of our traditional ways of seeing women as a things that need protection. It is hard to both promote gender issues to help women, and not be irrationally protective out of old instinctual feelings of a need to protect women.
I completely agree that it is too common that we blame men for failed marriages. Unfortunately that wasn't the message that many people are getting when they read this post. Here is a post I wrote better explaining what I meant to say in this post, http://www.uplifting-love.com/2014/06/divorce-whose-fault-is-it.html.
DeleteThank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I appreciate it!
Ok, I take care of the dishes, the laundry, the child care, while holding a full time job (with her) and have all the appropriate date nights, for nearly ten years, to a woman who cheated on me twice. Just because her new rich man was able to file divorce for her, with his attorneys that already work for him, makes it my fault for not showing I love her?
ReplyDeleteOf course not. I apologize that the message you received from this post was that I am saying it is your fault. From what you have shared it most certainly does not sound like it was. Here's a post I wrote, http://www.uplifting-love.com/2014/06/divorce-whose-fault-is-it.html, where I think I do a better job explaining the message in this post. I invite you to read it and let me know if I was more clear.
DeleteThank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I appreciate it. And I am sorry to hear about your marriage. My sincerest condolences.
I really respect your courtesy. We may not agree as a whole, but you are humble... And I wanted to ask you some advice on humility. What's your take on that?
DeleteOk, you have written about what men need to do. Now how about writing what women need to do to make their marriages work. I bet THAT article never gets written.
ReplyDeletePutting the majority of responsibility on one party (the man in this case) does not work because it leaves the other (the woman in this case) to be free from responsibility and it puts her on a pedestal. That is THE worst place for a woman. Woman are not held responsible for their actions and choices many times and that is a big thing that is wrong with the man / woman problems today.
The last two generations of parents have failed to mentor women in their responsibility in dating, behavior and choosing a man. So many women have a self entitlement attitude and believe the world owes them something. Women are not held to the same standards to which boys and men are held to be honorable and trustworthy. Women are not taught that the only things in life they are entitled to is what they EARN, and I am not talking about want they earn while on their knees or their backs.
There needs to be a reversal of what females are taught regarding life, responsibility, honor. I believe women are just as smart in many things as men but the crux of the problem is responsibility.
Thanks for an interesting article but I think it makes men too responsible and women not enough.
Midnightrun108, Below I wrote this to the author on another article he wrote where he did the same thing again with not holding women accountable. I think so many men have a disease infecting them. They are brainwashed to always shield, coddle, protect and rescue women from their own choices/actions. I could write at length why I think they do this but suffice it to say that it is a big part of the problem, if not the biggest. Some white knights will just never climb down off their high horses regarding rescuing women.
DeleteTyson, I sincerely think there is one aspect that deserves far more consideration than any of the aspects of this topic that you have addressed. It is the institutionalized, justified, and encouraged attitude that women are NEVER responsible for their actions and choices. It is the elephant in the room that most people ignore, deny, convince themselves is just a mouse, etc.
Freedom from responsibility is the foundation of modern feminism. Enabling this attitude by blaming men for women's choices is throwing gas on the fire.
If you sincerely care about this issue there is a way for you to see the perspective that I am sharing. First, think of all the expectations and accountability, social and in law, aka "enforced", that men live with and perform voluntarily and involuntarily. Second, think of all the same for women. If you are exhaustive in your pursuit of these examples and honest about the differences you will see why women are not responsible for their actions/choices; because there is very little or no accountability at ALL. Men have expectations and unavoidable requirements and women have options and choices. This is by far and away the major cause of divorce and why 81% of them are initiated by women.
BTW, I studied this issue in college in psychology in 1996. The textbook at that time stated it was 79% initiated by women. I have watched it increase and I have read the peer reviewed articles regarding it. Last I read it was 80.9%. It sure as heck isn't made up. Anecdotal, but relevant, examine divorces around you and you see this number or higher. I have asked many people this and they agree. I know of 29 divorces of friends and close associates and only 2 were initiated by men.
Ask yourself this, if 81% of divorces were initiated by men would you be advising that women need to do more to please/satisfy their husbands? I doubt it. Women are incentivized to divorce men and at that point owning their own crap is not an option for them as they can't stomach it.
Amen Luise! Feminism and the current outdated divorce laws affect the children of divorce as well as our current economic state.
DeleteThis article is part of the problems today as it relates to divorce. Marriage is a pact between husband and wife, each treating the other with respect, support and mutual affection. The author is assuming because the women file in so high a rate that the men must not be upholding their part of the pact. This article just shows how little he understands on the issue and it is not a simple as women divorce because they are not being loved. Both parties to a marriage need to be shown the love and respect they deserve. Are the women divorcing because of them not getting the affection or because the husband is disposal for a better life and money (women not respecting marriage as much as men and/or current divorce laws allow them financial gains). How can he simply state the woman doesn't get affection therefore she files for divorce, maybe she is not feeling the affection for the man so she files for divorce. Maybe she is seeking too much or not giving enough to help the marriage going or maybe she is not working at the marriage as hard as the man to get the marriage back on the right track. The only thing you can read from this high statistic is women are the party more than likely to give up on the marriage. The next question you have to ask is why and what are the results. Women are more likely to file for divorce because they do not lose as much and in some cases better off as a result of. Why is this? The current family court system and Divorce laws are outdated and need improvement. Because of the way divorce laws are handled it affects our children, economy and financial burden placed on the ability to retire, among many other problems. Our Children are affected because current divorce laws are so outdated they look at the Mother as the "stay at home" person still so they should automatically become the custodial parent. Don't both genders work in the workplace approx the same nowdays? The child is affected because numerous studies show children who do not the same amount of time with both the Mother & Father are more likely to have touble with schools, get involved with drugs, crime, etc. The only way to solve this is to update the divorce laws to a 50/50 arrangement rather than what it is today (approx 80/20). Would you be happy having your child only 2 out of 10 years? The 80/20 also means the Mother automatically gets child support. The child support payments are so high that it created the term "deadbeat dad" because many fathers I have spoke with that cannot pay there support because it is so outrageous would die to see their children. The Father can go to jail if they cannot pay for too long, but the Mother does not have to show in any way the support payment was actually spent on the child?? Another reason women so easily divorce, they can have an extra income in this troubling economy without any extra work. Why does divorce hurt the economy? What use to be one house payment, etc on two people's earning is now two on the same income. Why does this create a problem with retirement? Try paying outrageous child support for 20 years while your income is the same and save for retirement. Where is the extra money?
Rather than say men must treat their women better (when actually the opposite is more true), try saying women respect the marriage better and work at it before discarding it so easily. The real solution is to realize it takes two to make a marriage work, better communication and when it absolutely cannot work and divorce is the only solution have updated divorce laws for the benefit of the children. the best solution for our children, economy and fairness to all is a 50/50 time with both parents and each pays for the time with them (negating child support). if you really want to help, join us that are truly fighting to change our State laws to get updated to today's standards.
To hell with marriage. To hell with women and their bull****. To hell with your attitude that lowers men to the status of groveling idiots who must kiss the feet of women. Wake up and reclaim your manhood, you simpering nincompoop!
ReplyDeletehello..
ReplyDeleteMany of the above posts fail to consider the author has only attempted to put forth some good marital advice, and uses a slightly amplified statistic to get your attention and posit the idea that your wife might not be as happy as you think she is in marriage. In this he did well. If you already do everything on his list well, kudos to you! If you're a misogynist who has already lost his wife, why are you posting here?
ReplyDeleteThank you! I appreciate that you understood what I wrote. Thank you, thank you!
DeleteYou sir, are a lost cause.
DeleteRedneckSavant, you failed to address another possible scenario, husbands who treated their wives well, yet were still divorced against their will.
Delete^^ - you forgot to mention the real reason they divorce - they stand to profit financially.
Delete"There are certainly many reasons for the dissatisfaction that exists but I posit that the husband and his actions (or lack of actions) plays a significant role in causing and sustaining the dissatisfaction."
ReplyDeleteActually, no; it's not often the faults of husbands. But that of the wife who does not understand the meaning of commitment. These days, we have come to accept fickleness from the wife. She can end her marriage for flimsy reasons, kick her husband out of the house, and get rewarded for her irresponsible actions (alimony, anyone?).
When did the marriage say "I will stay married to you until you no longer make me happy?" And, how do you put the responsibility of someone's happiness on the shoulders of another? Imagine if the script were flipped: men divorce their wives because those women do not make them happy. Does that even make any sense?
I posit that any woman that does not mean to keep her marital vows "in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer and for poorer" does NOT deserve to be married. It is about time men took a stand and stop accepting immature behaviors from adults.
Divorce law is stacked against men, so of course more divorces are going to be initiated by women.
ReplyDeleteI dated my 2nd wife for 2.5 years and the marriage lasted until she got a job in Chicago. Length of marriage 1.5 years. Cost of marriage to me? Approaching $250,000 divide cost by number of times we had sex = $5,000 per time. People she wasn't THAT good! The job in Chicago? A marriage counselor and family therapist. Just like the bozo that wrote this expose. No wonder everything is wacked!
ReplyDeleteWonen seemed to be obssessed with the IDEA of getting married. They settle for less and ignore red flags just to go ahead and get
ReplyDeletemarried. This causes many to make a poor choice in who they marry.
Years and decades later, when they realize the man who they married, who they knew better than to marry, is NOT going to change, she wants out. The person who gets the raw end of the deal is the one who wants the divorce- women settle for less more often, it seems, and consequently initiate divorce more often.
Marriage is permanent and God hears our vows and holds us accountable. People think they can treat marriage as disposable.
If people accepted marriage how God sees it, knowing he hates divorce, they would be more careful and prayerful. Both parties need to enter marriage to give their all, seeing what they can put into marriage. Not what they can get out of it. People's motives are often wrong.
The female animals could teach women something about being selective.
Men and women need to stick to their Biblical roles, and things would work out. It's all love. If we love God we obey Him. If we obey Him we will do what he tells us including treat our spouse the right way. Men and women both have their share of issues. Selfishness, laziness, uncaring attitudes, disrespect and pornography and infidelity, among many other things end up being a deal breaker.
If you marry a person who has all kinds of character issues you probably didn't pray enough or wait on God. He gives us free will, even to marry outside of his perfect will.
We need to pray hard and make Godly decisions.Many men don't have a good example of what a true man is from their earthly fathers and examples. They chose to follow in the footsteps of their father who did not behave properly toward his wife.
It's a choice they make, to be lousy,lame and rebellious against God. Women chose these kinds of men over and over, give birth to daughters who do the same. The cycle goes on and on. Women cause problems in marriage too of course, but to adress this particular article and to give reasons why I believe women are the main initiators of divorce was my intent.
Women seem to be obsessed with not being alone. So they seem to settle for less far more than the man.consequently she initiates divorce more often. It's not the satisfied person who initiates- its the person getting the short end of the stick who wants out.women settle, then years and decades down the road when she realizes he won't change she wants out. But she knew better in the first place than to marry him.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is permanent, and if people truly acknowledged and accepted that they would be more selective to begin with. God hates divorce. Pray hard, wait on God and do it right the first time. Don't get tired of waiting.
Enter marriage for the right reasons, and give 100%, both parties. Don't go into it for what you can get out of it but give your ALL.
Each party will give an account for his or her actions.
If we love God, we obey Him. If we obey him, we do what He tells us to do, including loving and treating each other right. There are a lot of lousy men and woken out there.
Don't settle. When you marry a person with bad character you have to work on it together. You chose to marry them.
I'm disgusted by this article: it does more to damage the chances of successful marriages in our community by hiding the facts that disenfranchise men within. Truly appalling and lacking any knowledge of current issues.
ReplyDeleteWatch this video and if it doesn't answer you why men don't initiate divorce as much as women, you ae part of the problem
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzoNRiKDz2I
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ReplyDeleteI think you have it 100% completely wrong and backwards. It seems to me if women are initiating 80% of divorces, then women are the ones who are incapable of even attempting to repair damaged relationships. Women stand the most to gain from divorce. Women get paid alimony. Women get child support. Women get child custody. Men pay for all of those things. Women are the ones with spoiled brat syndrome and know that if their men don't do exactly what they want, they can divorce them and walk off with half their net worth. They're like kids in a candy store, always looking for the next best thing instead of making due with what they have. Our family court and divorce laws enable them to act this way, and people like you encourage them to do so. "Oh, it's all men's fault." Right, so do zero self reflection when a relationship goes sour. It must be the man's fault. Duh. Everyone said so. Your analysis is faulty, short sighted, and does not take economics into consideration, specifically the massive amount women have to gain by divorcing.
ReplyDeleteI could never, no matter how hard I try, say it better. Well said.
DeletePerhaps why, with God's law, a woman could not initiate divorce. Divorce is an incidious evil that well falls under beguiling... women being much more susceptible according to scripture. Not only that but a woman is more likely to throw off the"cover" that God designed the husband to be for his wife if the wife knows she had a legal out which minimizes the otherwise loss of being unable to remarry.
ReplyDeleteThe more love you show them the more they will treat you as something disposable. The advice in this article is exactly the opposite what you should do towards them.
ReplyDeleteTo the author: the way you interprert these stats is very "interesting". Typical for a decent guy who's got a decent marriage, probably married to a decent woman. Now, did it cross your mind may be for a minute that there are a good # of decent guys out there who get married only to find out their wife's have ISSUES! Such as: spoiled, nagging, traumatized by her father & in total denial about what this has done to her; feminist...yeah, that's my wife! Oh, and a religious fanatic, to top it off! Never good enough for her, never loving enough, never kind or spiritual enough - always ready to snap; withholding sex & affection and yes, ready to threaten she will divorce if....
ReplyDeleteWake up, sir, America is full of feminist chickens who have come home to roost!
This article is stupid. Women put so much expectations on men to constantly treat them like a princess, keep those butterflies in her and that is why they leave. Women have unrealistic expectations of a marriage and relationship. Us guys like being with you and get comfortable and that is a good thing. Women pull away, stop having sex which is usually what makes us withdraw and then the women starts pulling away more then leaving all the while leaving the guy scratching his head on what more he could of done because he took really good care of you and loved you and supported you and you were a spoiled little brat wanting those constant butterflies and great sex with a new person. See it all the time.
ReplyDeleteI second that!
DeleteThe stats: in the Western World, around 60% of marriages end in divorce and 80% of those divorces are filed by the wife.
ReplyDeleteThe family, however you define it, is the foundation of society. People say America is going down the toilet. These stats tell us why.
Why bother? I give up. I see those stats and see what has happened to many men I know. Why even bother getting married in this society to someone who will not appreciate you? And forget children.
50 years ago, somebody with my background would have been considered a good catch. I'm a single man, 39 years old, puts the needs of the women first, PhD, physically active, and yet I have never been able to find someone to marry. I'm a research scientist. I sacrificed the opportunity to earn a higher income and went into academia working to find a cure for cancer.
All that are available are girls who don't take care of themselves spiritually/mentally/physically, unemployed women, single moms, money and materialism obsessed women, and women who spend their days in front of TV or Facebook.
You're all missing the bigger picture. They are initiated because those women see dollar signs and know how stacked family court is against a man.
ReplyDeleteSince you appear to be conflicted yourself, and undoubtedly many, many men have been chewed up by the family courts after attempting all these things, why don't you simply organize and agitate to roll back no-fault divorce?
ReplyDeleteYour statistic would collapse overnight.
Saint Ronaldus Magnus did quite a few things wrong, including this curse on America.
Given the current state of Family Court, the epidemic of "women are never at fault nor accountable for anything and yet are special snowflakes that must be the center of attention and taken care of before everything else"--it's clear, it is not up to MEN to do or change anything. Simply sleep with whomever (yet be careful with that, consent forms, consensual recording) and live single forever. Plus, let the WOMEN (*strong and independent) work all the long hours and pay the taxes to support all these single moms.
ReplyDeleteGiven the current state of Family Court, the epidemic of "women are never at fault nor accountable for anything and yet are special snowflakes that must be the center of attention and taken care of before everything else"--it's clear, it is not up to MEN to do or change anything. Simply sleep with whomever (yet be careful with that, consent forms, consensual recording) and live single forever. Plus, let the WOMEN (*strong and independent) work all the long hours and pay the taxes to support all these single moms.
ReplyDeleteThis is a lecture aimed at men. You, no matter how you protest, are taking men to task and NOT women...."What I do believe this statistic demonstrates is that there are more women unsatisfied with their marriages, at least to the point of ending them, than there are men. There are certainly many reasons for the dissatisfaction that exists but I posit that the husband and his actions (or lack of actions) plays a significant role in causing and sustaining the dissatisfaction."
ReplyDeleteThe wives are spoiled brats who get bored and have their hen house friends that they don't have to put up with this horrible husband. The friends cheer them on, the culture cheers them on, and you, with this foolish post, cheer them on. Sir, you are part of the problem.
And let's not forget the cash and prizes available to the women who decide they are "not satisfied" anymore. No-fault divorce, alimony, property division. And she can have it all simply by going to the judge and saying that the marriage is broken. She doesn't even have to give a reason. Over $10 billion extracted from men and given to women last year. I leave it to the reader to decide who has the greatest financial incentive to destroy a family in the USA.
DeleteWomen who want to be divorced will make any excuse to achieve that. What makes you think men can keep women on the straight and narrow if Jesus can't do it? He has a perfect love and they still go their own way.
ReplyDeleteI used to believe (at least in theory) as you do Tyson, but reality has a way of correcting errant thinking. I have been married 27+ years, but would not have if I followed your advice instead of realizing I had to step back into being a true leader in my family. We went through some horrid times and still face bumps, but God has brought us through it because both of us remained faithful, not because I followed the steps you note.
You may want to open your eyes a bit to reality and dig into the issue much more deeply.
I've said similar to what Brad said. People often say, "you should have been a better man..." or some variation on that theme. Yet most don't follow Jesus, who is purported by those who claim to be Christians as the best man.
ReplyDeleteIf people will not follow Jesus or do what He teaches, then why would anyone tell a man that he has to be better, and if his wife has an affair, it's because of some failure on his part.
It's a blame shift that we would soundly reject if it were levied at a woman when her husband cheats and/or leaves, so why accept it here? Second, it's logically unsound given how few follow Jesus, the gold standard if you would for Christian men everywhere.
Mmmm....it's obvious to me why women cheat... Society and women will blame the man no matter what -- even if she's the one that initiated the affair -- and they know they'll get 1/2 the crap in court and free money... Society covers for women all the time. They have no responsibility... practically no moral fiber and have no clue what honor means... Women have no idea how far they've gone with their crap.. This is why marriage is a complete waste of time. Men are finding this out. And then those same "loving" women use the kids as weapons... Child support is spent by the woman on herself and she only asks for more when the child really needs something. There is absolutely no incentive for a man to marry in the post-postmodern age. Sorry for being so negative, but it is what it is... When is enough going to be enough? Society has gone down the drain because the family unit is being broken apart in women's favor, at men's expense... Marriage is a joke.
ReplyDeleteYou say that you're not saying that it's a man's fault but yet you have said absolutely nothing about what else could contribute to the dissatisfaction in a marriage from the woman's side.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the lady has unreasonable expectations?
Maybe she has met someone she feels more attracted to?
Why do you have a whole list of 10 steps that a man should take and absolutely ZERO steps that a woman can take? Not even a hint of a question asking if there's something the ladies are missing?
That's because the author is a white knight, who pedestalizes women, and believes that any actions by her that appear less than virtuous must be caused by a man. Fortunately, the younger generation of men, are not buying it (having seen too many divorces, and the way their own mother's acted). Therefore, "Marriage Strike" and a host of other past chivalry gone by the wayside. Most American women have zero respect for men, like the culture at large, so none should be granted likewise.
ReplyDeleteYou are seeing the fruits of that by the very comments on this board.
All these posts are dripping with anger, sadness, bitterness, despair, and victimization from men who chose to marry these women they speak so badly of. Your low self esteem and serious emotional wounds from childhood need acknowledgement and therapy to be able to understand why you chose, sustained, proposed and married a woman who does not respect, love, and support you. We teach people how to treat us and we enable their behaviors by accepting them. The ironic part of your sad rants here, is that in blaming women for your low self worth that caused you to marry a woman undeserving of your love and respect, you have avoided accountability, victimized yourselves and shifted your power to the women you so passionately despise. Take your power back and get some therapy so that you may seek and choose the love you want and deserve.
ReplyDeleteMany of these posts from men reveal deep sadness, bitterness, and victimization. If you chose to marry a woman as superficial, greedy, selfish, and unkind as the women you describe, you probably have some serious emotional wounds from childhood that you have neglected to deal with. The partner you choose speaks much more about your own self-worth and self-respect than it does your partner's, and avoiding your own accountability in choosing a spouse, shifts your power and control to the very women you so passionately despise. You teach people how to treat you and enable unacceptable behaviors by accepting them. It is hard to look at ourselves and have the courage to acknowledge our own truths, but is essential to move forward in choosing the love you want and deserve. Only you can do this.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a blame shift to me. You wife cheats and some how it's your fault because you chose someone who is unwilling or unable to keep her vows?
DeleteSo do you blame battered women for having some sort of character or emotional defect that leads them to choose abusive men?
By their very nature, affairs are secretive. How do you expect a husband to know something their wife is doing her level best to hide?
I do agree, men need to get better at choosing. But to place the blame on betrayed husbands for the choices their wives make is unconscionable.
Hmm you say you don't blame men only, and yet you do not include any tips for women. Such as changing her expectations, increasing her understanding of her husband, doing desirable things for men such as surprise gifts, more sex, romantic gestures etc. Or how about changing her possibly unrealistic expectations. Or addressing her issues with the marriage or his behaviors in a non nagging, abrasive way. Women have historically filed divorce first. The Austin Institute cites this thoroughly with 25 data sets over a period of 125 years. Women should either select better, change their attitudes about marriage, or learn to stick it out. Which in my understanding is what a marriage is all about. In the good times and the bad, sickness and health...so on and so forth.
ReplyDeleteThis study, to me, says that men are more willing to do what's needed and stay and make things work rather than giving up on the lifelong commitment they have made.
The key is to marry an average looking partner, not a god or goddess. People who are the equivalent of male or female models know they can always get more and get away with it. Until they are old and jaded, at which point you don't want to be the one they "settle for"
ReplyDeleteTo help us husbands do a better job keeping our wives happy.
ReplyDeleteWow what a piece of crap advice. How about what to do to make the man happy? He's the one making the money to pay the bills, mostly for the woman her irresponsible spending habits (spas, personal grooming, GURL nights out, etc.) Woman file for divorce because they know the US court system is a lot nicer to them. To woman, marriage is like 401(k).
I was married to a woman who could not be pleased the more I did for her the more she used me to get what she wanted which was social status and money. She never wanted to talk with me sit alone with me or go out with me. It was a very lonely marriage to say the least. She filed for divorce and told many tales on me as well as some on the kids who would not take her side. It always hits me wrong when I hear what men need to do to keep their wives. I would have done about anything reasonable to keep my family together. I do however not have to carry any guilt about doing anything that actually caused the breakup of my family and have faith that God will judge me accordingly.
ReplyDeleteA marriage certificate is just like a winning lottery ticket for the woman - which she can cash in at anytime of her choosing - JACKPOT!!
ReplyDeleteI am shocked that no one is considering the fact that woman are usually benefited by divorce, I dont know about the USA but at least in my country more than 90% of cases, woman get to keep the children and therefor they have to receive money for her and her children from the man for the rest of his life making it almost impossible for him to be able to afford another wife and family . .
ReplyDeleteI am a 1000% sure that if courts decided to give the children to the father 90% of the time the percentage of women initiating divorce would dramatically flip with man's percentage.
So OBVIOUSLY man prefer not to divorce because it means losing his children and becoming a slave. HOW COME NO ONE CONSIDERS THIS FACTOR? it looks like women are trying to justify their divorce decision by blaming it on man instead of their own unrealistic expectations of marriage.