What do you see in the inkblot above?
- An animal hide from one of Donald Trump Jr’s African trophy hunts
- An unmanned drone taking out toddler terrorists teasing Trump’s tantrum taunts
- Gemma Collins’ designer vagina on which Donald might tweet: “Look at that! Would anyone touch that? Can you imagine that sitting on the face of our next president?”
- The human male’s lust for power and desecrating f*ck trophies
- None of the above
How do you feel about what you see in the inkblot above?
Pride, envy, wrath, gluttony, lust, sloth or greed? Should you seek professional help if the inkblot doesn’t really look like anything at all and triggers no emotional response? Surely, it’s just a boring blob of ink for many of us!
Could we possibly improve upon the standard Rorschach Test by showing an image of an ambiguous, cartoonish, clown person?
What do you see in the oinkblot above?
Gaze adoringly for 10 seconds, if you can, at the picture above of probably the most polarising figure in the world today: Donald Trump. What hysterical emotions come gushing out from all your orifices and splatter anyone nearby?
If you don’t know who this New York real estate developer & former minor celebrity is, watch his appearances on WWE wrestling and Game of Thrones. Most importantly, follow his Twitter (@realDonaldTrump) to receive Trump’s own wisdom about the clear superiority of Trump and Trump’s undeniable ability to solve all the world’s problems through the art of the deal. Behold this recent Trump tweet:
“We must suspend immigration from regions linked with terrorism until a proven vetting method is in place.” Twitter, 26th June, 2016
So that would mean suspending people migrating out of New York, where the Orlando shooter was born? How about a building a big wall around the state until all New Yorkers can be screened? Donald Trump would need to be contained and screened too; especially in light of his statements about New York values being different to American values.
Experts have no common sense and are blinded by political correctness
According to experts, who usually don’t get this passionate about anything including their spouses, Donald Trump is a massive phallic tower of contradictions, unscientific views, bizarre bragging, schoolyard bullying, conspiracy theories and alpha male misogyny; all the characteristics required for a world leader who will be responsible for the big red button.
But why should we ever listen to experts? They’ve never done anything to make America great, right? It’s up to us to come to our own conclusions about the man with the golden orange trouser gun purely based on our feelings, intuition and common sense. Even if we have to slam a square Donald into a round Rosie O’Donnell, we need to make sure our opinions on Trump are short and thick and do the trick.
Trump on Trump
If you can’t yet shout your strong opinion of Trump on a placard in all-caps, here’s a little taste of Donald’s sweet Cointreau purulent discharge in a powerful cocktail mixed with his super premium vodka and his Success by Trump cologne. If you have already smelt much of his intense bouquet of hubris, melons and orange-flavoured fairy floss, it’s still worth sucking down another few of his infamous stiff drinks to further enhance the effectiveness of this ultimate Rorschach test:
Doc Trump:
“I’ve known people that had totally magnificent children, functioning a hundred percent, everything beautiful, smart as a whip, and they go for this shot and get this shot of this massive dose, of everything at one time, and they end up with horrible autism.” Laura Ingraham radio interview, 2015, as reported on crank website Natural News
“When you suffer from pathological disease, you’re not really getting better unless you start taking pills and things… There’s something very strange here. Something very strange is going on,” Trump said of former Republican presidential competitor Ben Carson. O’Reilly Factor, 2015. (Carson, a retired surgeon who doesn’t believe in evolution, has now endorsed Trump for president)
Dopey Trumpey:
“I know some of you may think l’m tough and harsh but actually I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high IQ) with strong common sense” Twitter, 2013
Bashful Trumpful:
“I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created” Presidential campaign speech, 2016
Grumpy Trumpy:
“Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob. She talks like a truck driver, she doesn’t have her facts, she’ll say anything that comes to her mind.” Entertainment Tonight, 2006
Sneezy Trumpy:
- Interviewer: “Donald, do you get the flu shot every year?”
- Trump: “No.”
- Interviewer: “Why?”
- Trump: “I don’t know. I’ve never had a flu shot and I’ve never had the flu.”
- Trump: “I don’t like the idea of injecting bad stuff into your body.
Sleepy Trumpy:
“I don’t sleep much. I don’t sleep much.” Presidential campaign speech, 2016
Happy Trumpy:
“[Ivanka posing for Playboy] would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what’s inside the magazine. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” The View, 2006
“When I think I’m right, nothing bothers me.” 60 Minutes, 1985
Snow Whitey Trumpy:
“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” Twitter, 2012 (later Trump claimed he was joking, but in 2015 stated that a lot of the climate change movement was a hoax)
The Evil Queeny Trumpy:
“If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what make her think she can satisfy America?” Twitter, 2015, later deleted
“I think the only card she has is the women’s card. She has got nothing else going. Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she would get 5% of the vote. And the beautiful thing is women don’t like her, ok?” Victory press conference, New York, 2016
Trump the Magic Mirror:
“Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.” Twitter, 2014
“I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which in theory I am.” Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again, 2015
“There have been many bad things said about me over the years, and in some cases they’ve been true. It doesn’t bother me. If I have a fault and somebody exposes that fault or talks about that fault, you won’t hear me complain.” The Atlantic, 2013
Trump the Huntsman:
On Senator John McCain: “He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured,” Presidential campaign speech, 2015
“Sen. John McCain should be defeated in the primaries. Graduated last in his class at Annapolis–dummy!” Twitter, 2015
Prince Donald Charming:
“Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.” Good Morning America, 2011
“ISIS will be gone if I’m elected president. And they’ll be gone quickly. They will be gone very, very quickly… However, unlike other candidates for the presidency, war and aggression will not be my first instinct. You cannot have a foreign policy without diplomacy. A superpower understands that caution and restraint are really truly signs of strength.” Foreign policy speech, 2016
Ben Carson on the two Donald Trumps
What do Trump’s former adversaries have to say? Ben Carson’s endorsement of Trump echoes many people who know the Donald well, and adds an extra bitter-sweet spice to his devil-fruit and angel-berry trifle flavour explosion. Trump’s game of becoming president may be played very differently to his game of being president.
“There are two different Donald Trumps. There’s the one you see on the stage, and there’s the one who’s very cerebral, sits there and considers things very carefully. You can have a very good conversation with him. And that’s the Donald Trump that you’re going to start seeing more and more of.”
Brain hurt; must make simple; stay calm or TRUMP SMASH!
Are you totally confused now? The constant barrage of scatter-shot Trump-input makes our brains hurt, so instead of really trying to understand the man and his motivations, many of us have projected onto Trump our own hopes and fears about immigrants and queers lurking within our own psyches. Children and narcissists do the same with their puppets and love dolls. A short, simple, extreme, golden-straw-hair-man argument catch-phrase about Trump is much easier to blurt out and defend, whether positive or negative, instead of discussing, at great length, the subtlety, nuance and commanding gentleness of Donald’s love making all American women perfect 10s again.
If anyone questions your opinions on the next commander in chief of the greatest military force and civilian militia in the world wielding AR15s and Sig Sauer MCXs, you can use some classic piquant Trump insults like “you’re so awkward and goofy” and “you’re a loser”.
Trump’s brilliance could be like this diagram: a convincing illusion for many
Our brains have a tendency to mold ambiguous information / people into simplistic patterns / stereotypes we can understand, like ‘all white males are privileged, entitled A-holes’.
Here’s a classic example that is only a little more simple than Trump’s immigration policy. There are NO triangles but we dumb the diagram down so we see an upside-down triangle sitting on top of another triangle and over three black circles. The conviction by many that Trump could make a great president may be as illusory as these triangles. Or, if he surrounds himself with the right people, and listens to them, his presidential team may be able to materialise the two triangles and compensate for Trump’s deficiencies.
3,4 or 5 word slogans work, because our brains are stupid
If you’re still having trouble summing up the Donald, here are some examples of conflicting opinions you can choose from that have been whizzing around faster than Donald running to the bathroom after making his great American prostate prostrate again:
- “Trump’s a moron” vs “Trump’s very cerebral”
- “Trump’s a great business man” vs “Trump is bankrupt”
- “Trump hates Mexicans” vs “Trump employs many Mexicans!”
- “Trump’s a misogynist” vs “Trump loves his daughter”
- “Trump is Hitler” vs “Trump will fix American politics”
- “Ivana Trump” vs “Ivana move to Canada”
Donald Trump is great for humanity
Even if you hate Mutually Assured Donald-struction and truly believe that, with Trump as leader of the free world, we are all doomed, at least he will be useful for you, as the ultimate Rorschach Test, so you can gain complete insight into your psyche in the final few years before humanity’s extinction.
Notes / Links:
- Thanks to Dean Brennan for our many Trump conversations
- Thanks to my wife for banning Trump conversations at home
- A future article will be hopelessly devoted to my obsession: my own dear Donald, a virtual effigy which is biologically accurate: including his manly long fingers and fully functional towering nuclear sperm missile launcher. Many would love to get inside the real Trump and wriggle around, but we can’t. The best we can do is probe our Donald delusion and look for clues pertaining to our own unconscious biases about disgusting, ugly lady-pigs and man-losers with micro-penises.
Articles trying to convince us that Donald is either flaccid or hard:
- For me, Trump is entertaining. Not so for the minorities that he demonises as a core part of his populist politics:
- My prediction that Trump will win isn’t reflected in the polling:
- After much reflection, Jesus Christ has decided to back Donald Trump:
- More quotes from the mogul entertainer and the greatest Twitterer ever
- All you need to know about Trump merchandise
- Trump apocolypse watch:
- The Sandpaper of Donald’s face is ever shifting:
Donald the esteemed scientist:
- Why Donald Trump is wrong about the link between vaccines and autism:
- Why Donald is wrong and almost everyone should get the flu vaccine every year:
- Why Donald shouldn’t brag about not getting enough sleep:
- Don’t know why Trump doesn’t understand the difference between weather and climate:
- (He does leave an opening for someone to prove climate change to him, so here’s your big chance climatologists to save the world then Donald can steal all the credit)
- http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/trump-global-warming_us_5601d04fe4b08820d91aa753?section=australia
Trump long and meaty documentaries:
- Feature-length documentary about McDonald Trump’s Scottish golf course (old)
- Feature-length documentary about Trump’s rise to not be a walking punch line to all disenchanted Americans with unfulfilled unrealistically high expectations
- Long video on why Trump is a winner like Charlie Sheen on his awesome new HIV drugs that have even reinstated his comic timing
Short and quick Trump videos:
- Women repeating things Trump has said about women. Such an overwrought and serious video; it’s funny to me and I’m a feminist in a man’s body.
- Short video trying to explain why Trump’s a great salesman and persuader
- Short video explaining why Trump shouldn’t hold positions of power
- 10 things about Donald Trump you probably already know so the headline is BS
- Political scientist Gene Simmons discussing Trump as a great family man
You can follow The Founder, Dave Chaffey Hippie on Twitter, Facebook, Vine, Tumblr, Pinterest, Instagram and LinkedIn. Or just label him as dysfunctional and go hang out with your friends who are more fake than your macho heterosexuality.
The Future of Post-Humanity feels sorry for all of us.
