全 199 件のコメント

[–]HellhoundsOnMyTrailonly dates white chicks 97ポイント98ポイント  (6子コメント)

I say do it but I like chaos.

[–]Lobo_MarinoI downvote success stories 26ポイント27ポイント  (1子コメント)

Yeah, people are going to say "It's not your responsibility" and whatever, but fuck that. Shit on the guy not for moral responsibility, but for the lolz.

[–]willreignsomnipotent 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Shit on the guy and his innocent wife not for moral responsibility, but for the lolz.

FTFY

Just offering a different perspective. Some people would genuinely rather not know, which is why some people turn a blind eye. I've been there before. But I've also been the one who desperately did want to know... so who knows?

I'm just saying, shit's not always as black and white as it seems.

[–]dodobrains29/f/☠Alex Forrest, but nicer 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know. I never realized how bored I was.

[–]polynomials28/M/NYC 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

From a moral standpoint I say don't. People cheat, it's a human thing, not necessarily right but not necessarily evil. You don't know what's going on or even really know them, so it's better to mind your own business.

But as a third party spectator, I agree with you, I want to see drama. So, I'm torn.

[–]willreignsomnipotent 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

not necessarily right but not necessarily evil

Meh, it's pretty messed up to violate someone's trust. Especially someone you claim to love, and who probably trusts you more than most people. But things aren't always black and white, and I have mixed feelings about getting into other people's business...

[–]polynomials28/M/NYC 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm just coming from an observational standpoint that maintaining monogamy is difficult, it must be because people cheat all the time and for all kinds of reasons. That doesn't make it right, but it does mean it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go out of your way to punish someone for failing to do something that is difficult. Especially when these people aren't even really in your life.

[–]chillraptoryung dum and full of fun 40ポイント41ポイント  (37子コメント)

So this leads me to my next question - do I message his wife to tell her that he's being a shit?

god people have such varying opinions on this - the whole "what would you want if it were you" thing vs "it's not your shit, you don't need to get involved" - but personally I don't think I could stand by knowing someone was cheating on their wife (with whom they have a child). it just seems like the right thing to do, to at the very least make her aware of it so she can handle it as she sees fit.

what a shitty situation

[–]Maladjust--trash squid 12ポイント13ポイント  (5子コメント)

The last time I knew someone to get involved in letting a spouse know about cheating, a dude ended up with his head blown off.

Now that may be an outlier, but let's just say it left an impression. I'd only say something if I was close to the wronged party.

[–]wont_tell_i_refuse_Sorry toots, you're not in the Canadian Club 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Dawg you gotta tell this story

[–]Mr_Smartypants 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

a dude

One of the involved dues, or just some random dude?

Should I worry about this happening again?

[–]DudeNudem3 -2ポイント-1ポイント  (0子コメント)

The "it's not your shit, don't get involved" people are usually cheaters themselves.

[–]serialsaboteurmakes poor life decisions 19ポイント20ポイント  (9子コメント)

I have really strong feelings about this, because I've been through this before. I think the best thing to do is to give her evidence (screenshots of messages proving he's trying to cheat), say you're just a concerned third party, and let her decide what to do.

Some women would prefer not to be told, because they'd rather be lied to and pretend that everything is fine. Women like that would not believe you anyway even if you told them. However, I would've really appreciated it if any of my mutual acquaintances would've been ballsy enough to gently alert me to what my ex-husband was doing behind my back while I cheerfully went about each day staying optimistic and trying my best to work on myself, believing that my ex was also working on himself to improve our relationship.

Know that when a man goes out looking for other women, their relationship is already at a point where it's pretty much in ruins. Nothing you do can cause something so drastic as splitting a family apart. Whatever dysfunction exists between the couple is already doing it for them. The split is just a matter of time without a catalyst. The man's too much of a coward to be real with his wife, but if you let the wife know, then you can be the catalyst—what she decides to do with that information is up to her.

[–]megabyte1Negasonic Thirtysomething Warhead 13ポイント14ポイント  (7子コメント)

1000% agree; I wish people had told me what they observed my husband doing four or five YEARS before I found out...

[–]deteugma32/m/PA 4ポイント5ポイント  (6子コメント)

four or five YEARS before I found out

Holy shit.

[–]megabyte1Negasonic Thirtysomething Warhead 2ポイント3ポイント  (5子コメント)

Yeah, good times.

[–]deteugma32/m/PA 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

Friends? Family? Both?

[–]megabyte1Negasonic Thirtysomething Warhead 2ポイント3ポイント  (3子コメント)

Friends for sure; my family didn't know, but it's possible his did.

[–]deteugma32/m/PA 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

People are the worst.

[–]Shitty_Fat_Tits_34/LA/Shitty/Fat 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Had a similar experience. Lost several close friends as well in the end.

[–]Celra 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I lost my best friend of 10 years to a loser who she chose to believe over someone who would never lie to her. She met this guy, he moved her out into the middle of nowhere and won't list he's in a relationship with her on facebook because he's sleeping with other girls.

He messaged me and was hitting on me so like a good friend, I screenshot the conversation and showed it to her only for him to tell her I'm lying because I'm jealous.

Plot Twist: Since he keeps their relationship to hardly posting pictures of them or allowing her to upload pictures of him on her facebook, while she was pregnant with her 2nd child, he was seeing another friend we went to High School with who didn't know they were together as she always kept him away from all her friends. So, while my ex-best friend had her baby she posted a pic of him with her after the birth and my friend who was seeing him felt horrible and when she realized he was her boyfriend she told her and provided screenshots as well.

Can you guess who this dumb bitch believed? She seems to enjoy being cheated on and likes to stay in denial. Sometimes you lose friends over this crap and it sucks but at least you can say you tried to tell someone.

[–]thefeintM/32/CA 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Also agree 1000%.

Even if I hadn't been in the situation where my (now) ex was hitting on one of my friends, trying to hook up with him, and swearing him to secrecy about it, I'd still agree.

If a friend of mine knew that someone was secretly coming by my apartment and taking dumps on my sheets, you bet your ass I'd want to know about it. Would it matter if they washed or replaced the sheets before I got home? Sure, but it wouldn't make me OK with it!

[–]turible36/M/Toronto 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'd stay the hell away from it.

[–]TatdGreaser35/M/Ashburn, VA 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

do I message his wife to tell her that he's being a shit?

Fuck yea you do

[–]phtefanie.。◕‿◕。. 13ポイント14ポイント  (6子コメント)

People are going to say to mind your own business but, honestly, I would send her a message or screenshot if you're FB friends.

[–]GhostOfLeonTrout29/M/Mpls 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

I would too. If he's this careless about it then she's going to find out sooner or later. Better for her that it be sooner.

I'd just say "Hey, obviously I can't prove this was him since he deleted his account, so take this with whatever skepticism you want. But watch him. He's trying to cheat."

[–]phtefanie.。◕‿◕。. 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

I wish I got this sort of message in a previous rship. Wouldn't have stayed as long. Plenty of people knew what he was doing but because of "bro code" or whatever, none of his friends said anything even when I asked.

[–]ThereWereNoPrequels 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Those were just shitty people then. It's one thing to not drop a dime on someone, another thing entirely to lie when you're asked point blank.

[–]JMer806the sweetest peach on the tree 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

but he deleted his account, so there's no pics - there's no evidence that it's real.

[–]jamie141426/M/Canada 12ポイント13ポイント  (1子コメント)

All that needs to be done is planting the seed of doubt though, then she might see clearer when he is "staying at work late".

[–]phtefanie.。◕‿◕。. 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Exactly.

[–]RyuukoGo 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Make a date and have the wife show up too../drama

[–]orangefoldersLet's netflix and hibernate. 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

do I message his wife to tell her that he's being a shit?

OH. GOD. YES.

And post the exchange here please.

[–]OldUncleEl52/Gerald Ford in the streets, Tom Ford in the sheets 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

When I was younger my impulse would have been to tell her.

Now that I've been down the road a bit, I understand why there is a saying "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions".

[–]Used-Car-Salesman27/M/Indiana 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

Should have kept your nose out of it. Typical "My marriage is shit so I'm going to go sniffing around the last person I enjoyed fucking" behavior. Nothing good can possibly come of getting involved.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I really don't think it was that though. Otherwise why not message me on facebook? I didn't mention but about a year ago, just before she got knocked up, he messaged me on FB asking if I wanted to get together and I said no. So there's precedent for him connecting with me - on FB. But to create a brand new OkCupid profile and find me on there - when I have a different username than I used to as well - and then immediately delete and block me the second I mention wife and child? He was being shady.

[–]Used-Car-Salesman27/M/Indiana -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

What he's doing is definitely shady. Dunno what he's doing having kids with this person. Stay far, far away...

[–]HanSh0tF1rst47 m Chi-area, deleted for now 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

I have dated women who quietly returned to a couple of dating sites but only to message with guys. Not to actually meet anyone. Nothing bad came out of it. I think it's a validation thing. Some people actually do this. I think this issue demands a bit more insight into this guy's personality to determine what exactly he might be up to.

[–]sciencefaire31F/philly 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

My ex found me on okc. He's married now. I figure that his wife will eventually find out what a scumbag he is so I left it alone.

It's not my business anymore what he does.

[–]SwedishFishSlutMilitantly fun 13ポイント14ポイント  (9子コメント)

Meh. As much as I want him to get his come uppance, you have a pretty shitty case and if he's any good at cheating he is already practicing his indignant response:

How COULD you believe some woman over me? No, honey, she's just mad because she messaged me on Facebook to ask me out and I turned her down. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I didn't want to upset you. Baby, I would never cheat on you, I love you so much, you mean the world to me.

She'll stay, you'll get crucified, nothing will change.

[–]HipsterSolicitorYou've probably never heard of me 2ポイント3ポイント  (7子コメント)

People are downvoting this? Jesus H. The slut speaks the truth.

[–]ShrimpShackShooters_ 3ポイント4ポイント  (6子コメント)

Maybe because saying "he'll probably still get away with it" is not a valid reason not to tell her?

[–]HipsterSolicitorYou've probably never heard of me 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

There's a two-stage process here in my view. Step one: is there sufficient proof of wrongdoing and a lack of plausible deniability. Step two: if so, should the information be disclosed, and that's where the moral and ethical weighing comes into play, balancing competing interests, etc.

Step one is just not met in my view and I think that's part of what /u/SwedishFishSlut is saying - nothing has really HAPPENED here and husband has some potential plausible deniability.

If step one WERE met, I mean, it all kind of comes down to what OP hopes to accomplish from all of this. What are her motives? Why would she have any interest in getting involved? That's the part I just can't get past. It's a personal choice I guess, but if it were me I just can't see myself CARING all that much about someone I barely know attempting (but not actually) cheating on someone I don't know at all.

If OP thinks that by sharing this the wife will worship her as some kind of martyr, she's bound to be sorely mistaken.

[–]SwedishFishSlutMilitantly fun 3ポイント4ポイント  (4子コメント)

"he'll get away with it and your name will be raked through the mud" is the more complete version.

There is no way that "hey your husband messaged me on OKCupid. No I don't have any screenshots. Yes we used to bang" ends with her looking good and him looking bad.

[–]lanigironu28/M/non-redneck Kentucky 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Except with Facebook it can be proven OP did not message the husband, and the okc message would show him messaging first. Also if they were more like acquaintances through Facebook I doubt there'd be much to worry with OP's name getting raked through mud.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Pretty much. I only know him, I don't really know her, and neither of us actually use FB that much so I'm not worried at all about my name being 'raked through the mud'.

[–]ShrimpShackShooters_ 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

It can be sent anonymously.

[–]SwedishFishSlutMilitantly fun 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

OP can do whatever she wants... but I've seen this scenario played out in real life enough times to know that it almost never works out the way you would want. And if he's really that much of a dumbo he'll get his own ass caught without assistance.

If it were me, I wouldn't do it.

[–]Shitty_Fat_Tits_34/LA/Shitty/Fat 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

You have a point, but this is also the exact kind of logic that people always use to avoid confronting shitty people. When someone continues to get away with being an asshole unchallenged it strengthens their asshole tendencies. I vote for OP putting this guy in the hot seat, making him squirm, and clearing her own conscience so she doesn't feel any guilt in this situation.

[–]riggorous0 pts: typical foreplay stuff 6ポイント7ポイント  (11子コメント)

a guy I dated about a year and a half ago

We dated for a couple months but honestly I found him annoying and only stayed with him to get laid

Well he ended up meeting a girl, and got married shortly thereafter and knocked her up. His daughter was born on Leap Day earlier this year.

For some dude you dated for a few weeks almost 2 years ago and didn't even like, you know his life after y'all split up pretty well. Down to the date of his daughter's birth. The way you describe him, it's a surprise you even remember his name.

Are you sure wanting to tell his wife is your only motive here?

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (10子コメント)

Haha oh god yes. I just have a good memory for people and things like that. I do not at all want to get back together with him. Ew.

[–]riggorous0 pts: typical foreplay stuff 4ポイント5ポイント  (9子コメント)

You have a good memory for... when this dude's daughter will be born, 1.5 years into the future? I mean, how did you even come across this information? Are y'all bffs or something?

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

We were FB friends!

[–]polynomials28/M/NYC 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well leap day is an unusual birthday, to be fair.

[–]IamA_DrunkJediNed in the streets, Oberyn in the sheets 7ポイント8ポイント  (4子コメント)

apparently they were friends on facebook in spite of her not even liking him, so I'm sure she's the type who gets into everyone's shit no matter what the case is.

[–]riggorous0 pts: typical foreplay stuff 5ポイント6ポイント  (3子コメント)

And she REMEMBERS it. I can barely remember my parents' birthdays, much less the birthdays of the infant daughters of some dude I fucked 2 years ago that I didn't even like.

[–]digel80655/M/boring as a rock 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

It was on a leap day which makes it much more memorable.

[–]lanigironu28/M/non-redneck Kentucky 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

Why is that because you can't remember some detail like that, you assume another person can't as well? I don't know how involved the OP is, but I can easily bring up Facebook posts an acquaintance made 2 years ago in good detail that they've long forgotten. I can go on about good memory and other random shit I know but that's just bragging - point is plenty of people can remember random details they read or hear just fine even if you can't yo.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

This. I just remember. Like the other person said, it being on leap day was memorable. Also I was just curious about what was up with him. He had told me he wanted to be with someone for years before even moving in together, and now here he is getting married and having a child all within a year and a half of meeting a lady. I was curious as hell, especially given that when he started dating her, he was living at home sharing a room in bunkbeds with his brother, and about had a fit when his parents said they were going to start charging him rent. So how he can afford a wife and baby now, who knows.

[–]charliebeanz29/F/FL 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

Do you not know when things happen to people? Maybe they live in a small town. Maybe they got mutual friends. Maybe they talk sometimes.

[–]riggorous0 pts: typical foreplay stuff 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

To exes I didn't even like? Nope. Sometimes they come sniffing around, but I'm like, octopusnope.gif

[–]callmesnake1333/m/nyc 3ポイント4ポイント  (4子コメント)

Just leave it alone. You have no idea what their situation is, or what the consequences might be.

[–]mutually_awkward29/M/Los Angeles 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

She knows the situation in that he’s married with a kid and that he messaged her. She may not know what the consequences will be but there will be consequences to what he did. OP made the right choice.

[–]niceandfemalehere to get jerked 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

If their situation is an ethically open relationship, her messaging the wife will have no consequences.

If he is cheating, the wife will either learn about it and wise up, learn about it and be a doormat, or blow up at OP. The lattermost is the biggest risk and the only sacrifice, so OP just has to decide if the risk is worth it. I'm glad she chose to tell her.

[–]callmesnake1333/m/nyc 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Except we are (myself included) just a bunch of idiots on Reddit and aren't these omniscient figures who can predict every outcome. Maybe she knew but didn't want to be confronted by it and it turns into a huge murder suicide.

[–]niceandfemalehere to get jerked 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Murder suicide? more like KILL STREAK

Okay, more seriously:

Well of course you're right, but you can't predict every outcome of any choice. "Should I drive to work today?" could result in your own death and the death of 20 other people on the highway if you're really unlucky. Trying to avoid eye-contact with someone creepy in public could result in god knows what. She can only predict the outcome of messaging this girl marginally better than we can. As I said, she has to just decide if the risk of this woman being a psycho is worth engaging for the greater good. If it were me I'd attempt to do it anonymously if possible (highly circumstantial obviously), but I don't judge people who keep it to themselves, and I've been in a circumstance where I kept it to myself so I get it.

[–]Avenger77231/M/Arlington, VA 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

"Fuck it, do it. See what happens."

[–]madmacaronbait 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Did you get a screenshot before he deleted? With his photos and such? If so, send.

[–]PolishTea30/m/OR 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Current girlfriend has told me repeatedly, at the start of our relationship, and 2 years in, that she never ever wants to know anything about anything if something sexual outside our relationship happened.

These are comments she brings up on her own, without me asking "theoretically" or any such nonsense. I've never been tempted but at least she's made herself clear.

[–]DatingNate22 / M - infatuated with myself 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wouldn't. It sucks for their family; but don't get involved in that mess unless you feel like drama is needed in your life.

[–]JMer806the sweetest peach on the tree 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I say don't tell his wife. Don't get involved. It's not your business.

[–]charliebeanz29/F/FL 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Does no one go by the Golden Rule anymore?

[–]baestation2ecchi god 2ポイント3ポイント  (6子コメント)

i wouldn't have snitched; best to stay out of their lives in my opinion. To make it clear i don't condone cheating but I'm the type of person who wouldn't say shit unless this was happening to a close friend of mine, not some person i was just using for sex over a year ago. seems mad petty to me.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (5子コメント)

Idk. His daughter isn't even 4 months old yet and he's already messing around (or attempting to mess around) on his new wife and daughter. It is definitely petty, but he deserves some comeuppance for being such an intensely shitty person.

[–]baestation2ecchi god 1ポイント2ポイント  (4子コメント)

so you admit that you're being petty and just out for revenge. looks like you might be a shitty person too.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

That's not what I said. I acknowledged that maybe I'm also being petty, but that ethically something needs to be done because he's being shitty and he shouldn't just get away with it.

[–]baestation2ecchi god 4ポイント5ポイント  (2子コメント)

It is definitely petty

he deserves some comeuppance for being such an intensely shitty person.

lol you're delusional and it sounds like there's more to the story than you're telling. most sane people wouldn't go on a revenge fueled mission to ruin the marriage of some random guy they fucked over a year ago. you admit you didn't even like him which makes this extra sus.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

What do you think is going on? Do you think I still have feelings for him or something?

[–]baestation2ecchi god 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

i think you are a nosy, attention-seeking busybody who is bored tbh. i doubt you have feelings but your life is probably so dull that this little bit of excitement has you frothing at the mouth. In my opinion you should have ignored the dude and stayed out of it unless he was harassing you.

[–]HipsterSolicitorYou've probably never heard of me 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Of course you shouldn't. Don't you have a life? This is his headache, not yours.

[–]99hoglagoonsNarcissistic Personality Disorder -1ポイント0ポイント  (5子コメント)

I found him annoying and only stayed with him to get laid

I will never ever understand people like you. In a certain way his behavior is no different than yours.

[–]madmacaronbait 6ポイント7ポイント  (1子コメント)

With all the time spent here you don't understand thirst?

[–]99hoglagoonsNarcissistic Personality Disorder 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

touche.

[–]fretit 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

For some people, having sex with someone else can be the same thing as masturbation, and nothing more.

[–]99hoglagoonsNarcissistic Personality Disorder 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

That is pretty fucked up. Unless this is clearly communicated by both parties.

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

It was all on the up and up. He knew I didn't like him very much romantically.

[–]Colossus_of_LoadsBreaded Fucker/Minnesotan Slam-Piece 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Gucci fam.

[–]digel80655/M/boring as a rock 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

I am fascinated by the responses to this ethical dilemma and I find myself agreeing with responses on both sides.

I thought of a middle ground between doing nothing and reaching out to the wife: Contact him. Not exactly sure what one would say. Maybe encourage him to respect his wife and child (and himself) by being true to the marriage. Maybe encourage couples counseling. As a middle ground, I would keep it positive and definitely non-threatening. It seems like a way of doing the right thing (vs nothing) while not dropping a nuclear bomb on the marriage and potentially putting yourself at risk.

For context, I once got naked with a woman who later told me she was married. I was mortified. While it may have seemed patronizing or self-righteous, I told her that no matter how awful her marriage is that cheating on her husband would be very hurtful to him. I elaborated a bit.

Edit: added more content.

[–]niceandfemalehere to get jerked 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm sure she's thought of everything you said before and decided that getting her rocks off was worth it. Messaging him would have exactly zero effect. It's effectively the same as just entirely staying out of "his business."

[–]digel80655/M/boring as a rock 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Messaging him would have exactly zero effect. It's effectively the same as just entirely staying out of "his business."

It might have zero effect but it does fulfill any possible moral obligation to do something. In that sense it is more about the effect on the messenger than the recipient. It also does so without causing any other poopstorm whatsoever. The OP can nudge him toward an opportunity to do right; whether he takes it is up to him. Better than staying silent and, thus, approving of his behavior by omission -- behavior that could damage his wife and child.

[–]GeekulesChewpapa 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wish someone would have told me sooner. However I did not tell the husband of my wives friend who was also cheating, or at least very closed to cheating.

[–]spicy-vagina 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I was in a similar situation. I contacted the girlfriend. She didn't believe me and got mad at me. Still feel like I did the right thing though.

[–]HipsterSolicitorYou've probably never heard of me 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Anyway, it looks like OP has made her decision. Be sure to keep us posted - I'll start making the popcorn.

I just wanted to say, despite the fact that I personally would have handled the situation differently, thanks for one of the most interesting posts I've seen on here in a while. It really got people engaged in a thought-provoking discussion.

[–]playitagainzak_28/M/Boston/Semetic 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

but honestly I found him annoying and only stayed with him to get laid

So this leads me to my next question - do I message his wife to tell her that he's being a shit?

Is it just me or does OP come off as more of a cunt than the guy?

Too many white knights in the house.

Yes, he messaged her whole he's married. Yet everyone's here acting like OP is some perfect saint when she isn't.

Never mind the fact that the "marriage" he's in is the result of a knockup. He's probably not getting any from his wife. If I was in that kind of marriage I would do the same.

[–]wont_tell_i_refuse_Sorry toots, you're not in the Canadian Club -1ポイント0ポイント  (8子コメント)

When you snitch on him, you're being selfish. In order to take revenge on him for his OKCupid message, you're causing suffering to his wife and child. The worst possible scenario is that you break up their marriage.

[–]gnarnolagranolaglory box 10ポイント11ポイント  (3子コメント)

The person causing the suffering is the husband. He could've avoided it by not having a wandering eye.

[–]wont_tell_i_refuse_Sorry toots, you're not in the Canadian Club -3ポイント-2ポイント  (2子コメント)

What you don't know can't hurt you.

The pain she'd feel by knowing about this extremely, ridiculously, beyond minor misbehavior, which may not have escalated for anyone knows, is not worth it. It's his cross to bear.

[–]gnarnolagranolaglory box 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Is it really a minor offense? There's a clear inclination towards infidelity, even if he didn't go through with it in this case. For all we know, he's already cheated. Perhaps he was only thinking about doing so but felt remorse. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated and was only looking. Still, both are offensible in my books because of the dishonesty behind it. OP certainly doesn't have the moral obligation to inform the wife, but I think she deserves to know the type of man she sleeps in bed with. She might make him sleep on the couch for a week. She might decide to leave him. Whatever it is she does, is a choice she gets to make -- a choice nobody should rob her of.

[–]baestation2ecchi god 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

you were doing good until trying to brush his behavior under the rug. I think the OP is being a nosy, vindictive fool but the guy is clearly in the wrong here for cheating in the first place. yes, messaging other women on a dating website counts.

[–]megabyte1Negasonic Thirtysomething Warhead 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

As a formerly suffering wife with children, that is not at all the worst possible scenario

[–]charliebeanz29/F/FL 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

snitch

GotDAMN I hate that word so much.

[–]HipsterSolicitorYou've probably never heard of me 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

Snitches usually do

[–]OldUncleEl52/Gerald Ford in the streets, Tom Ford in the sheets 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

They get stitches

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (35子コメント)

do I message his wife to tell her that he's being a shit?

I honestly can't relate to this. Why would you want to get involved in the affairs of these two? In doing so you'd become responsible for at least some of the consequences. But do what you want.

[–]Sangfroidity 2ポイント3ポイント  (4子コメント)

you'd become responsible

"The problem isn't the man cheating, it's your reaction to his cheating".

This is also known as blame shifting.

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

What if this person isn't cheating and telling the wife leads to a massive shit storm? Would the person who told them be responsible if they were wrong about the accusation?

[–]Sangfroidity 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

What if this person isn't cheating

Yes. You're absolutely right.

I guess he could explain he was only on OKC messaging women to see if they had lampshades for sale... You know the green ones like they discussed they needed for the baby's nursery. I'm sure any sufficiently intelligent woman would understand that.

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

For all we know he's in an open relationship or something we don't even know what it is. Whatever the reason, should you be wrong about your accusation, are you responsible? Or not?

[–]Sangfroidity 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ya know... your logic is solid.

Although... if

For all we know he's in an open relationship or something

is true, why would there be

a massive shit storm?

I totally get what you're saying though. The problem isn't the man's actual actions, it's someone speaking the truth about it.

[–]GhostOfLeonTrout29/M/Mpls 3ポイント4ポイント  (8子コメント)

OP would be responsible in a causal sense, but absolutely not in a moral sense, which is what actually matters.

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (7子コメント)

Why even split hairs? It won't matter one bit if the results are the destruction of someone's marriage. Plus, OP is assuming that his wife doesn't know, but we don't actually know that either.

[–]jamie141426/M/Canada 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

If she knew then he wouldn't delete everything. And if she does know then there's no harm from it other than maybe getting her to tell you to fuck off which is no sweat off my back.

[–]GhostOfLeonTrout29/M/Mpls 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

It's not splitting hairs. Being a link in the chain of events is entirely different than being morally responsible for wrong doing.

All OP has to do is pass the information on. If the wife knows and doesn't care then it's a non issue. If the wife doesn't know and does care, and if the marriage ends because of it, it isn't OP's fault. The marriage wouldn't have ended because OP passed on some information, the marriage would have ended because of what that information was, which is squarely on the husband.

And why would you or me or OP care about the destruction of a marriage where one half of the union is lying and cheating? What kind of a marriage is that that makes it worth us protecting it?

[–]bigbabyhuey 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

My opinion is that I wouldn't, but I'm not someone who believes in the moral high ground or black and white choices.

[–]GhostOfLeonTrout29/M/Mpls 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Fair enough, we just disagree.

[–]jamie141426/M/Canada 1ポイント2ポイント  (20子コメント)

Isn't that the whole point? Hell yeah I'm responsible for a cheating SOB get screwed over.

[–]bigbabyhuey -2ポイント-1ポイント  (19子コメント)

Why is it your business what these people get up to?

[–]jamie141426/M/Canada 3ポイント4ポイント  (18子コメント)

Why is it your business to report a thief? I don't know man.

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (17子コメント)

It's not my business if a thief goes to jail. That's why we have the police and attorneys and judges. From my perspective, you're trying to be judge, jury and executioner of this dude. Personally, I'd let it go, but you do whatever you want.

[–]jamie141426/M/Canada 3ポイント4ポイント  (4子コメント)

What? I'm not asking you to take this guy and beat him or make him get a divorce. I'm asking you to tell the wife who will sentence him to whatever she wants. The wife is the judge and the executioner. I'm just the messenger of truth baby.

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Well if you're asking me, the answer is no. But as I've said a couple of times now, you do what ever you want.

[–]jamie141426/M/Canada 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

All I'm getting from this is that you wouldn't even report someone stealing someone else's property. Way to be a great part of society.

[–]Sangfroidity 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

a great part of society

A solid citizen so to speak.

[–]charliebeanz29/F/FL 1ポイント2ポイント  (11子コメント)

The wife is the judge, jury, and executioner. OP would simply be the reporter who wrote the exposé.

[–]bigbabyhuey 0ポイント1ポイント  (10子コメント)

But why do it in the first place? It feels like a totally ego driven move to me.

[–]charliebeanz29/F/FL 2ポイント3ポイント  (9子コメント)

Really? Out of moral obligation, integrity, a regard for justice, a desire for comeuppance, etc. Take your pick. What would ego have anything to do with it?

[–]bigbabyhuey 1ポイント2ポイント  (8子コメント)

What would ego have anything to do with it?

You mention comeuppance, but isn't that basically a desire for revenge?

[–]charliebeanz29/F/FL 1ポイント2ポイント  (7子コメント)

I dunno about you, but most people agree those are two different things. Revenge can be petty and is often used as payback for perceived wrongs, while comeuppance is well-deserved and proportionate to the wrong committed. Revenge is personal, comeuppance is justice.

[–]Peeko2016 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Screen shot his message and send it to her. She needs to know!

[–]TooBadFucker 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

only stayed with him to get laid

Implying it must somehow be difficult for women to get laid

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

Implying that only men struggle with getting laid, and women who aren't typically attractive or who have confidence issues might not also struggle.

[–]TooBadFucker 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

women who aren't typically attractive or who have confidence issues might not also struggle.

Can you confirm that OP fits this description?

[–]holyshamoley29/F/Vancouver,BC[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Confirmed! Sort of. It was more true a year and a half ago than now. Now I'm a bit more confident and get laid more often. Funny how that works.

[–]TooBadFucker -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

You get laid more often because you're female. I still don't know what you look like, but I would bet that if you gave me permission to use your picture for a fake dating profile I would find a guy who's down to fuck within 24 hours.

[–]YMMVSPSFD43/M/DC area (Podrick all grown up) 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

Next thing you know he deletes his OkCupid account and blocks me on Facebook.

Might want to make sure he didn't just block you on both.

As for further involvement - how well do you know her? And is it possible he wasn't going to follow through on anything?

[–]SwedishFishSlutMilitantly fun 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

Blocking on OKC doesn't look like a deleted account.

[–]YMMVSPSFD43/M/DC area (Podrick all grown up) -1ポイント0ポイント  (2子コメント)

Haven't been blocked (that I'm aware of) to know - and I do know that OKC likes recycling their pages.

[–]SwedishFishSlutMilitantly fun 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Blocking just means the blocked person's messages don't reach the blocker.

[–]YMMVSPSFD43/M/DC area (Podrick all grown up) 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ah, thought it hid the profile from matching/viewing, etc

Carry on - nothing to see here :)

[–]WeirdsauceM/Bellingham WA/Single 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Short answer: yes.

Speaking for myself, my conscience would make my life miserable if i didn't. Yes, i'm sure their marriage could be damaged or fail but i'd rather live with an uncomfortable truth than a convenient lie.

Besides, my dad found out my mom was cheating on him because one day, venereal warts started growing on his dick. Lots of people knew she was cheating, no one bothered to tell my dad.

[–]rbus 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't go messing with other peoples lives. What do you gain? The thought that maybe you helped her? Frankly it sounds more like something a busybody would do.

[–]fretit -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

How do you know he is not trying to get back at her because her wife has been cheating all over the place?

[–]freddymerckx -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah, go ahead and faulk up his life just for fun. Must make you feel like a good citizen. He is messing up enough on his own but hey, spice it up and throw a few lies in there also just for effect.

[–]gunstreetgirl305dead inside, but still horny -3ポイント-2ポイント  (7子コメント)

He's got a child. Yes, he is a dipshit, but think about the kid.

[–]riggorous0 pts: typical foreplay stuff 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Kids can tell if Dad is a piece of shit, and from a pretty young age. I won't tell you how I know, but I'll tell you that it can fuck a kid up for a long time.

[–]gnarnolagranolaglory box 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

Yeah, because surely the best thing for a kid is to grow up raised by both parents regardless of how shitty and possibly even dysfunctional their relationship may be.

[–]IamA_DrunkJediNed in the streets, Oberyn in the sheets 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I probably would have rather my parents tried to stay together and work it out rather than abandoning each other and leaving me floating between schools/houses/and being forced to choose where to spend my summer vacations.

[–]gnarnolagranolaglory box 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm not advocating for spousal abandonment and agree that a couple with kids should try to resolve their issues, but parting ways is sometimes the best thing to do, especially if you're capable of doing it on amicable terms. It's better than fighting day in and out, resenting each other, and accusing one another of everything all in front of your kids. I was fortunate enough to have a normal, functional family. I know someone who was so scarred by his childhood that he's afraid of marriage and kids.

[–]serialsaboteurmakes poor life decisions 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

Uhh. I don't think the kid will fare very well in a dysfunctional family? If he really is an incorrigible dipshit (which the wife can only find out after learning about his infidelity), it'd be better off for all parties to separate early so that they can both find someone more suitable to be with, and the kid grows up in a healthy, trusting environment.

[–]IamA_DrunkJediNed in the streets, Oberyn in the sheets 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

It's a very thin case being made for him being an incorrigble dipshit though. All we have is one person saying that he was on a dating site.

Not excusing that behavior, but it's just not enough to actively ruin a relationship over.

[–]serialsaboteurmakes poor life decisions 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I don't think having a stranger send a message to the wife alerting her of her husband's sketchy behavior is enough to ruin a relationship.

Hell, when I found out my ex-husband cheated on me, I stuck around for a month despite him absolutely refusing to cut ties with the other woman and continuously lying to me about it. I wanted to work it out with him, and when he didn't, I left. It eventually only came down to one thing: did we both want to stay together, or no? Since we didn't, we ended the marriage. It had less to do with him cheating, and more to do with our dysfunctional relationship. Everything else is just a symptom.

Maybe the wife will want to leave, maybe she'll want to work things out, maybe she's chill with an open marriage, who knows? But if she's kept in the dark because OP is scared of the consequences, then all the justification in the world wouldn't change the fact that it's just cowardly behavior.

[–]turtlethed0gBatlanta -4ポイント-3ポイント  (2子コメント)

If you want to fuck up his life, sure.

[–]McPantaloonsM 32 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well he's kind of fucking his own life up, OP can't take all the credit.

[–]CaesarOrgasmus24/M/Boston/robot fueled by ice cream 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

Couldn't we put that a little bit on him, though?