My fiancee(26F) has been different since learning I(29M)bought my ex a more expensive engagement ring.

she-huulk · 11時間前

This is a tough one. She's blocking you out, which isn't going to be productive in a situation where you clearly want to make it right.

With that being said, echoing others, I think your fiancee realizes that she can't be mad about the $$ value - but she's upset that she now knows you will never love the way that you once did, and despite the fact that you left your cheating EX to be with a different (hopefully better) woman - she now has to be the recipient of whatever damage this EX inflicted on you. That's wholly unfair. Because you now feel "less" about love, you are giving her less. Regardless if this is true in reality, that's how she is perceiving things and you need to stop thinking so much about the ring and the cost of it and start talking to her about the emotional side of it. I think you should do some sort of romantic gesture, write her a letter explaining yourself - let her know that you love her in ways that you could never have loved your EX, and that you treat her ways/to things that are far more special that a dollar amount. Find ways to express how your relationship is different and sacred to you and stop making her feel "less than" because of your own issues. (EDIT: if you don't feel these things about her, than you probably shouldn't marry her because you shouldn't be with someone you're only giving half your heart to, maybe you need some therapy to get over the emotional damage your last relationship left you. Not in a harsh way, but who doesn't want to be the best husband they can be? Maybe this girl isn't someone you are able to fully give yourself to - think on these things)

If she doesn't accept this and continues to be acting cold, therapy or breaking up might be in your future. It takes two to tango, and if she deals with issues by being stubborn then that is a problem to discuss. Also, I really hope you told your sister off because that is the most obnoxious thing to say - your sister much not like your fiancee because that is some serious sabotage.

Strangeandweird · 9時間前

She's definitely weighing your relationship and considering a break up. And I don't think buying her a more expensive ring is going to help because there is no meaning behind it anymore. Her less expensive ring was more meaningful to her but now knows the sentiment behind it isn't there. She knows that you're capable of making grand gestures which are absent for her. I think its time for a small break maybe a weekend getaway where you lay your heart out, write a letter. Something drastic that gets her attention. This is definitely die or try time because she's not going to stay long.

silverraven1189 · 11時間前

I understand that most people will tell you that your fiancee is being unreasonable and is not ready to get married. That could be true.

On the other hand, the things I'm picking out are that you've basically told your fiancee that your ex hurt you so badly that you decided to never be that sweet and sappy for another woman again. You say that you were head over heels for your ex, so you saved up to buy her the best ring that you could, but after learning she cheated, you decided to never invest that much in anyone else again. Not, "I realize now how an expensive ring doesn't mean the marriage will last, and I realize that I don't want a woman that cares more about how much I spend on a ring than the marriage itself." You've basically said here that your fiancee isn't worth investing that much money in, and that no woman is worth that much.

Second, you got really defensive. Plus, you say your fiancee has always been jealous of your ex. Why? You don't go into details, but why would your fiancee be jealous of your ex? Either your fiancee is unreasonable and creating problems from nothing, or you treated your ex better, or your family always talks about how awesome your ex was.

The issue isn't that your sister brought up the ex's ring, or that the ex's ring is more expensive. If that really is the only issue, then maybe she isn't ready for marriage. But if I'm right, the issue is that you show your fiancee that your ex deserved more love and romantic gestures, while she doesn't, simply because your ex hurt you so badly.

You need to really think back on how you act and make sure that you really do treat your fiance as good as or better than you treated your ex.

ayliv · 9時間前

I am going to assume she is otherwise not shallow and materialistic and say that most likely this has nothing to do with the value of the ring itself, but like others have said, the fact that overall you've invested less in the relationship with her because of some sob story you're clinging to about what an ex did to you. You are almost 30 years old; people get hurt, and adults do not punish people for others' mistakes. And it sounds like this isn't the first instance where she's felt this way; quite honestly it sounds like you're probably the one who isn't ready to get married. A better ring isn't going to fix this- getting over your cliche fixation on "not getting hurt again," being sappy and head over heels and dopey and allowing her in to be the one capable of hurting you, that is love and that is what she deserves from her future husband. If you really have this attitude of "nothing is certain" about her, don't put her through this, and for god's sake don't marry her.

kingpaint · 8時間前

decided I would never invest so much in anyone again. I love my fiancee, we are very happy together but I believe in learning my lessons

You learned the wrong lesson. The lesson is: be sure, then go all in.

You have literally written here that you arent invested in this relationship. She is right to leave you.

darkwingduck8 · 8時間前

She was my first partner and I was head over heels. I could only retrieve 40% of the value of the ring when we separated and since I decided I would never invest so much in anyone again.

Why? I could understand not investing as much in the same person... but people aren't interchangeable. The cure sometimes isn't to make unilateral decisions to treat everyone the same, but to find the right people to engage with. If you're sappy, find someone you're happy to be sappy with and will be sappy back with you. If you're the sort of person to fall 100% in love with someone... find someone who loves this and will give it back to you.

I just hope you didn't actually say anything about not investing as much in other people and buying your ring because you were head-over-heels in love. (Because this implies something about the current ring.)

I suspect you did because of this....

But over the last month she has changed. She used to be really happy and affectionate around me but now she is generally more focused on herself, she stays on her phone, she isn't enthousiastic about going on dates, she rarely cooks for me anymore. In appearance we are still doing ok, but I can feel the subtile change.

It sounds like you're getting the same behaviour from her as the one you gave for the ring -- don't give someone 100%, you never know. It may be from a childish position -- how do you like that? -- or she might have learned something from you.

It's not the ring per se as much as it's come to represent. And it's clear from your own words that your relationship with your ex-fiance was better than the one with your current one. You weren't so concerned about protecting yourself.

Look if you want to fix this.. consider how she might feel and what she might need. Figure out if you want to spend the rest of your life holding yourself back because of a bad relationship?

iamagainstit · 6時間前

I mean, you spent less on this ring than you got back from the first ring.

SuB2007 · 11時間前

If your fiance is upset about the money, the value of her ring, and what a nicer, shinier diamond she COULD have had if you'd done what you did for your ex, then this is a horrible insight into her character and you should run for the hills.

But the way you've described it, that's not necessarily the case. From the sound of it, your sister described not only the value of the ring, but how sappy you were about it and how hard you worked and how long you saved to pay for it. I think your fiance feels like she interpreting your actions as less caring towards her than they were towards your fiancee.

In a way this is similar to when my husband's brother comes to visit. I do most of the cooking at our house, and occasionally my husband will pitch in and make a casserole or chili or something easy. But when his brother comes to visit, he's busting out the grill, making apps and steak and seafood and buying a delicious cake for dessert. It makes me feel a bit slighted because he's putting ALL of this effort in for someone else when he doesn't do the same for me. Of course, I understand that seeing his brother is a special occasion and that's why he does those things.

In your case, I think you need to explain to your fiancee why things are different this time around. That you were young and stupid then, and couldn't think of any more meaningful way to express your love than an expensive ring. That now you realize there are more important ways to show love every day, and you didn't feel the need to make one grand gesture because you try to make her feel loved every day.

I would also ask her if you do things (or don't do things) that make her feel unimportant in day to day life. If she feels like you ignore her don't value her, she might be over-exaggerating the significance of the ring because it's the icing on the cake.

Ultimately, if she's hung up on the cost then she's showed you her true colors and you're better off without her. But if she is seeing the ring as a symbol of your love, and she feels like her symbol is less good so the love must also be less good, then I think some reassurance from you and some honest communication can probably get you both through this.

thumb_of_justice · 9時間前

All right, I was in a similar situation to your fiancee, and I can relate to where she is coming from. My now husband and I worked through it.

I was insanely in love with my now husband, and I thought he was insanely in love with me, but I discovered after we moved in together that he had done a lot of stuff for this woman he lived with before that he didn't do in our relationship. he took her on a trip around the world, and he wrote a diary about her. The level of romance and romantic obsession was higher with her.

This was crushing to me, to come to realize that he had been more into someone else, had felt stronger about her, done more for her. Like that she was getting some whole level of performance out of him that I would never see.

This makes you feel that you are being settled for, and it also makes you feel that you can't be secure in the relationship. What if the ex comes sniffing back around? What if they meet someone whom, like the ex, they are more into?

My husband and I had a rough patch and then he went balls-deep into our relationship (gross phrase but came to mind). He did stuff to show that he was fully committed. So we worked through it.

Talk to her. Do you really love her deeply? Or are you just settling for her?

CalypsoSauvin · 11時間前

You might need some couple's therapy on this one. I think the issue that she is not dealing with (by telling you to drop it), and that isn't dealt with by the "she's not ready to be married" response, is that she feels like you value her less than you valued your ex, a woman who cheated on you.

There are a lot of good reasons not to spend seven grand on an engagement ring, and yours is one of them. But you two are failing to communicate.

beaglemama · 9時間前

So you don't care as much for your fiance as you did for your ex and you're wondering why she's hurt?

You were willing to put in a lot of effort for the ex's ring (saving for a long time) but your current "love" isn't worth making an effort for.

I will start saving up to buy her a better ring

Too late. It's not about the dollar amount or size of the diamond, it's about the effort and caring. You really loved your ex and put A LOT of effort into proposing and getting a ring. For your fiancee "Meh, this is good enough." She's feeling like you settled for her and she's your second choice.

You've demonstrated that you don't care as much for your fiancee as you did for the ex. You have to figure out how to unfuck this.

arabbel · 6時間前

Unfortunately, I think she saw, in a very exact number, that you have been holding back a certain level of investment from her, and she took a page out of your book and is now doing the same thing to you. She realized that she was giving you 100%, and you're only giving her 70%, and has now leveled the playing field. To her it looks like even though she has been faithful and given you all of herself, she still is worth less to you by a wide margin than a girl who cheated on you.

First, I think you need to sit and think about if this girl is really as important to you as your ex was. You describe talking about your ex a lot, and letting your family do so, in front of your fiancee. You even describe her wishing this would happen less as jealousy. These are not the actions of a guy who is truly over his ex and instead looking forward to his present and future his current girl.

Then you need to decide if you fully trust her and are fully invested in her. Saying "I'm just learning from my mistakes, I'm just protecting myself" really boils down to "I'm protecting myself from her." That means you aren't truly sure about her, and now she sees that. If you can honestly say that you love her just as much as you loved your ex, then you need to start showing it. If you truly trust her, you need to stop putting up boundaries.

Right now I think she is putting distance between you two and you two are headed for a breakup unless you do something fast. You need to show her that you are fully invested and in love, and I don't think buying her a more expensive ring will do that. In fact, it will probably be insulting because it will look like you think she only cares about the money and have missed the mark on what the real issue is. Maybe try surprising her with an impromptu weekend getaway somewhere really cool. Pull out the stops, have a flower arrangement for her on the hotel room, etc. Just show her that you think she is worthy of romance and affection every bit as much as a woman who cheated on you apparently was.

Amaliola · 5時間前

I decided I would never invest so much in anyone again

Wait .....

Are you guys living together?

What kind of a wedding will you have?

Do you have a car, and does she drive it?

Will you ever take a cruise together?

Do you plan on ever buying a house together, or an apartment?

Will you go on vacation together, and how much will you spend on that? Day trips, week long excursions?

Do you plan on having or adopting kids?

Any of those things are going to cost a LOT. If you marry her, or live with her long term, you'll invest a lot more than 7k in her, and in your relationship together.

By getting married, you're about to be all-in. This isn't about the ring, it's about whether or not you're willing to JUMP in, and put invest yourself into this marriage.

Maybe you should think about this, then talk to her.

winterphox · 4時間前

She has resigned herself to always being second best to you. The second love, the second proposal. You probably mean a lot to her and she maybe feels shadowed by the memory of your ex. Now that she knows she is second best (in her head) she has started to emotionally detach herself.

peridotsarelongterm · 7時間前

One of two things is going on with your fiancée:

She's trying to hurt you via passive aggression; or
She is planning an exit strategy. (I wouldn't blame her for this; it sounds like you're still hung up on the way your ex hurt you, and with all due sympathy, that sounds tedious AF for your fiancée).

Either way, you may want to make sure all deposits are refundable. This does not look good, OP.

littlexlady8 · 8時間前

I would of been hurt. Your sisters glowing about how nice your exes ring was.. your now partner feels second best and not as special.

Conceited-Monkey · 9時間前

Be sure to thank your sister for blowing up your relationship. But I think it is over. She is withdrawing from you.

tallpoke · 7時間前

I think you should consider going to therapy because clearly you still haven't been able to emotionally move past being cheated on. It's hard to get over something traumatic like that, but you need to realize that your fiance is not your ex and she shouldn't be viewed as guilty until proven innocent. It sounds like you've still got walls up and I'm sure it's exhausting for your fiance to feel like she's getting less of you because you're still hung up on something another woman has done. You say nothing is for certain, but if you truly love somebody they are worth taking those risks for even if you end up hurt or with a little less money in your pocket. How do you think it would feel to know that the person you're certain about isn't ever going to be 100% certain about you because of something you had zero control over? Personally, that would leave me pretty devastated and much more emotionally guarded.

Nosism · 5時間前

Your sister is a monumental fucking idiot.

phobos55 · 5時間前

This is somewhat similar to other posts, where the man finds a forgotten sex tape featuring his gf and an ex.

Sometimes the gf is performing sex acts that she refuses to do with the current bf, and that hurts the bf. The bf usually thinks it means the gf enjoyed the ex more, or loved him more, or any of a number of other negative feelings.

Then reddit comes on and talks about how no one is required to do certain things for their SO just because they've done it in the past.

A lot of the times in those posts, unfortunately, there usually isn't a solution. The perceived slight against the current SO is never able to get corrected, resentment builds, and they eventually break up.

I don't know what to tell you man. If she won't talk about it, try to take her to counselling. If she won't do that, it doesn't sound like the relationship will last very long.

Good luck though.

iamtheninja · 5時間前

Why havent you made this up to her yet is the real question? You should be wining and dining her, praising her, making her feel secure and loved because you did mess up in buying her a ring. Ideally, you should have bought her something of comparable value. You didnt need to spend 7k all over again, but you should have stuck between the range of 4-5k. Instead, you went the super cheap route (to her) and honestly, she probably feels like your second choice. That, plus the fact that it sounds like you have done nothing to make her feel happy, loved, and secure post finding out this knowledge is even more telling. The cherry on top is you so selfishly whining about yourself! Shes distancing herself? Shes not cooking for you anymore? Shes not making you feel loved? Are you dense, dude? The price of the ring compared to your exs is a huge blow to her self worth!!! Do yourself a favor. Go HAM on the honeymoon. Anything/anywhere she wants to go. Also, book a fancy dress up dinner. Right now. During the dinner, heartfelt apology and flowers. You cannot buy her a new ring. But you can remind her that she is NOT your second choice. If you dont do this, i will be suprised if you even make it to the altar.

503_Ravens_Fan · 1時間前

I just want to say the comments on this post are great. TIL women see engagement rings the same as how men view sexual acts.

Just because dude spent the farm ( and then some) on a ring does not mean he needs to do that every time just like how everyone tells a guy when he gets butt hurt over not getting anal from a girl who did with previous partners.

SunshineRegiment · 3時間前

Have you considered that since you said you want to keep yourself distant from relationships, and not invest as much in anyone again, that she's listening to you? It's like this forum frequently says: "If someone tells you who they are, listen."

It sounds like she responded by doing the same thing to you. She wanted to give you 100% of her love and attention and affection, or some high percentage, you told her that after your last relationship you didn't want to do the same with anyone else (or her) again, and she didn't leave you. She just adjusted her behavior so she takes care of herself, keeps her own company, and doesn't pour all of her attention and love into you (since you don't pour yours into her).

You've got three options:

You can accept that if you don't put all of yourself into your relationships, your partners shouldn't be obligated to either, and make your peace with it and love her with the % you can allot, and let her decide what % she wants to allot. If that's enough for you, and for her, that may work.

If it isn't enough for her, or for you, you can end the relationship. It's not reasonable to ask her to be head over heels in love with you and be open and giving and effusive in her adoration, while you hold back because you got "burned".

Or, you can accept that you're applying a rule you learned about one other person to all other relationships, and it fucked you up. You can try to change that as a person, apologize to her, say you're going to go to therapy and/or talk to her about it and try to undo the damages you did, and the walls you put up around your heart.

Walking_Opposite · 1時間前

Wtf was your sister thinking? What possible good could come from her sharing that? Does she hate your fiancé or something?

hyacinth234 · 4時間前

I feel so bad for your fiancee. You admit yourself you handled things badly, and man, it looks like she is dealing the best she can about it.

Why are you with her? You obviously pretty much state you don't want to invest in her. What else is marriage except investing in another person? What did you think marriage was? If you don't believe in giving your all to this person, your marriage was doomed from the start and you should call it off now so you don't hurt this poor girl any further.

CrunchyBunches · 1時間前

I'm experiencing your girlfriend's situation to the extreme. Thanks to his shitty ex-wife and traumatic divorce, I will never get a ring, a proposal, a wedding, or anything that goes along with any of that. I understand what he went through, but that doesn't negate the fact that I'm being punished for the other woman's sins. You're punishing your girlfriend by demonstrating to her that you are not as invested in the relationship as she is and she is not WORTH the cost of a more expensive ring because, hey, uncertain future amirite?? It's a real kick in the pants and there's literally no way to talk someone out of that state once they sink that low: only a change in actions can bring her back.

the-mortyest-morty · 2時間前

Personally if I were you? I'd offer to trade in the ring for something just a bit fancier. Call me shallow all you want, these things matter to us ladies, everyone judges us on them, and if you CAN comfortably save for a nicer ring for her, I don't see why you wouldn't.

Part 2 is most important though - you need to fucking talk to your sister. Tell her that because of things YOU have said/done, your fiancé is very sensitive about The Ex. Tell your sister she absolutely MUST not bring up the Ex to your fiancé ever again. It just makes it worse. If she continues "accidentally" doing things that fuck your relationship up with your fiancé, you need to reevaluate if your sister needs to be in your life. If this was just a one-time accident, I say let her off with a stern warning. That shit is none of her business to bring up anyway.

inediblenightcrawler · 7時間前

Are you investing in her in other ways? How much do you spend on fancy dinners, vacations, gifts, etc? How much are you planning to spend on a house and life together? How much of your own money are you putting into the wedding and are you making sure it's as extravagant as she wants?

Is it that you're not willing to invest in the ring or that you're not willing to invest in her?

It's possible that the ring is just a symbol. You gave someone an expensive ring and they cheated on you- now you're scared that if you give her an expensive ring, the same thing will happen. Irrational? Totally. Emotions can be irrational. You now have an association of putting a lot of effort into a ring causing your heart to be broken.

If you are investing in her- then I think you need to sit her down, apologize, and explain that. Explain that it's the ring- that you associate investing in the ring with heartache and you don't want to go through that again. List the ways that you invest in her that you never invested in anyone else.

And if you're not investing in her? Then I think you may need to let her go. Get yourself to therapy to sort things out. She deserves someone who will invest in her.

deceasedhusband · 39分前

This would bother me too and I'm wearing a $500 ring. It's not about the money really. I bet she loved her ring before this happened.

I decided I would never invest so much in anyone again.

You really summed it up right there. You got burned by your ex and you're still bitter and guarded about it. You're unwilling to invest as much money, time, emotion, trust, or anything about yourself into this relationship as you did with your first love. The ring is a symbol and right now it's a symbol of how much less you seem to care about this fiance and this relationship than your last one. I don't know if there's anything you can say to really fix this. If you tell her your reasons she's going to be more hurt because you don't trust her or love her enough to save up like you did for your ex. She might even feel like she's being punished for your ex's behavior. Ex cheats so new fiance gets a cheaper ring. "You're not worth investing in because you might cheat on me someday just like my ex did."

This is one of those things where people think she's being a brat about the issue at hand (dollars spent on rings) when really it's about how this affects her perception of you and your relationship as a whole. This really isn't about ring cost.

Good_Advice_Service · 32分前

Your sister is a complete and total asshole. What she did can only have been deliberate.

Your fiance and you need couples' counselling ASAP if you want this relationship to survive.

cman_yall · 9分前

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

Also, your sister is several words I've been warned not to use in this sub. Why would she think that was a good idea?

all-you-need-is-love · 7分前

If you still think that this is because of the dollar value of the ring, then I wouldn't know what to say to you, OP.

Your fiancee is hurting. Not because the ring you bought her was a lot cheaper - but because of your motivations. Everyone has baggage, but it hurts to be the one who has to pay for someone else's sins. I dated a guy who used to treat me like crap because he had been cheated on by a girl and he also felt that he would never give so much of himself into any relationship in the future. It felt absolutely gut-wrenchingly awful to deal with his coldness/nonchalance while knowing he had been a much purer, happier and more loving boyfriend to a girl who screwed him over. This is how your fiancee feels.

She's right. She isn't entitled to your money. This isn't even about the money. I can guarantee you that even if you had spent the exact dollar value on both but she found out that hypothetically, you spent ages figuring out exactly what your ex wanted and put in a lot of effort but you bought literally the first ring you saw for your fiancee cause you couldn't be arsed; she would be equally devastated.

Do not buy her an expensive ring now. You focus too much on numbers and $$, and it will come across as a distasteful attempt to buy her off, especially now. You need to give her something emotionally. Your entire post comes off as cold, and I'm left with the feeling that you don't really understand your fiancee and her emotions. Value her. Treasure her. You need to love her like you couldn't and wouldn't want to live without her, because that is what marriage is. Tell her your true feelings. Be emotional and open. And don't cheapen her by reducing her very real and deserved feelings of heartbreak to a ploy for a shiny expensive rock.

I'm not saying that she will, and I'm prepared to be downvoted into oblivion, but if I was her I would have left you. If you don't want that happening then for God's sake let her see that.

Z9771 · 5時間前

I will start saving up to buy her a better ring...

Wrong answer. If you try to make it up to her with money now you'll be doing it for the rest of your life. Explain your thought process, acknowledge that she was hurt but that it wasn't your intent, then leave the subject alone. That's it.

Aphoenixb · 3時間前

Maybe tell her that you might have given her a less expensive ring but that you want to give her the most beautiful wedding! Concentrate on the event and spare no expense on what she wants.

paxterrania · 6時間前

I'm sorry I have no advice, but I'm going to save this thread for the next time I see one where the guy is complaining that his girlfriend did more things sexually with her ex than with him. Because this? This is like the genderswapped version of that.

DarthSpinster · 4時間前

I've never understood why the price of the ring should matter. Buy a high-quality band, sure, but other than that, what does it matter? I get that her treating you differently is probably because she is insecure and looks at the price difference as somehow how much you value her. But if you explained the situation to her like you have with us, I'm stunned as to why she would stay upset. Luckily, you have not yet legally locked this down, which is good, because her behavior needs to change.

AmazingGraces · 6時間前

Here's what you could do: buy her a $7k ring. Except that's a big mistake because she doesn't want to match your ex, she wants to exceed her, so make it $8k. HUGE MISTAKE.

Here's what you should do: give her $7k of your savings. Tell her that what changed wasn't your level of commitment, but instead your level of maturity and financial education. Tell her that she's free to do with it whatever she wants, but you hope that, since you're going to get married and be a family, it can be something meaningful which really celebrates your love for each other.

Then sit back and wait. She will end up using it to cover wedding costs.

GOR098 · 3時間前

Wow! look at everyone taking the girl's side & explaining how what she must be feeling is so correct & how OP learned the wrong lesson & made a bad choice.

Come on people, isn't the past supposed to be in the past ? If this had been a girl complaining about how her ex bf used her, how she did so much more for him sexually but he still broke her heart or was abusive or whatever; but now she does not want to do it for her current man, because she does not want to do what she does not like & her current man is not happy about it, then everyone woud have joined her, telling her how she was correct. How the past was in the past & how she did not have to do the things for her current man which she did for her Ex. But NO. Since OP is a man there is a different logic used for him. What pathetic example of hypocrisy.

Listen OP, U don't owe your GF anything more than a serius discussion where U explain to her that yes U do love her, which is why U proposed to her & will marry her. But your love is more practical & not based solely on money. If U have invested or planned to buy a house or something for after marriage then U can explain that to her & use as an example. But, if she is going to continue to compare how much money U spent on your ex & now on her then there is no point continuing this relationship.

7時間前

[deleted]

ravinglunatic · 4時間前

Good thing you didn't spend $7k on the new one.

tabAvitamin · 6時間前

I think is similar to when a guy finds out his girlfriend used to give oral to his ex, but he doesn't do it for him.

It is technically not a problem, and one shouldn't take it in an offensive way.

lurkeat · 4時間前

I don't understand why it is so important to get such an expensive ring. I a getting engaged this weekend (yay!!!) and I refused to let my SO buy me an expensive ring. I picked out the band I like, in 14k white gold, which was the least expensive option, and I picked out an "asha diamond" (it's a highly rated CZ), and the stone is being set in the band at a local jeweler. The total cost was under $500. I told my SO that when we are wildly successful and have thousands of dollars in disposable income, he is welcome to replace the CZ with a real diamond, but that at this point, I would much prefer he did NOT spend a lot of money on a ring, as I don't want financial stress to be the third wheel to our engagement. The ring is going to be absolutely beautiful, and nobody will know it wasn't more expensive unless I choose to tell them. The symbol of wearing the ring, and the overall style is much more important to me than the value. 14k gold is not going to snap in half, will hold up well over time, and looks almost identical to platinum, so why do I want him to sink more money into a band that is 2x the price. The stone will look beautiful, and knowing that he isn't stressed about the cost will make me so much happier than having a true diamond. If the actual style of the ring was ugly I would be upset, because I don't want to wear ugly grandma jewelry, but the cost isn't that important to me at all. When we discussed getting engaged, I asked a friend of mine who is married about rings, and about not having a diamond and she told me that her ring is a $20 sterling silver ring from Amazon. Why? Because she likes it, because she would rather spend money on her child than a ring, and because no matter what type of ring is on her finger, people know EXACTLY what it stands for, and that is what truly matters at the end of the day.

NOW, I can see how your fiancée may feel like you valued your ex more because you got her a more expensive ring, but have you explained to your fiancée how much resentment you hold towards your ex OVER that more expensive ring? I think if she were to see your viewpoint there she may value your relationship more than the cost of her ring, and realize that her less expensive ring has created less stress for you, which in turn makes her relationship with you that much stronger than the one you had with your ex.

ohdarling9 · 1時間前

You want to marry someone who feels that you're the love of his life. The big kahuna. Bigger and better than any other woman has ever been in his heart. Given that everyone has a history maybe this can't be such an easy place to get to. But you've got to find your own way to allow her to feel this way, a way that is honest for you.

Ziggy_A · 12時間前

[deleted]

bob13bob · 7時間前

i would make this about financial smarts. tell her you want to plan your life together and save money towards a house/investment/trip. my wife and i did and don't ever regret the way we lived. let me preface. we really dont' care about what others think.

We've lived in a tiny basement unit for 5 years. We decided to not get engagement, not do a wedding. We just got $80 gold bands online and got hitched at city hall. We then spent 4 weeks in central america traveling. we saved our money and lived frugally, while our friends teased our cheapness. some of them condescendingly told us they couldn't live the way we do.. We then bought a house instead. We drive old uglier cars that work fine. Instead of buying a single family like everyone wanted us to do, we studied how people got rich on biggerpockets. so we did the financially smarter thing and bought a duplex. now we live in one side while our monthly is 100% covered by the other.

Every single step of this process, we were teased and scoffed by friends and family. Now we are living in large home with no mortgage expense, while those same friends are struggling with their tiny house or having their monthly income taken with rent. we are growing our assets and investing hard. and will be able to retire and travel 20 years before any of our peers.

i dont' like diamonds, but if you really want it buy it smart. Buy it on ebay "used" to get best diamond ring/dollar. get it certified from one of the 2 recognized diamond sites. you wife won't mind so much because her fat rock will be worth 3x all of her friends ring when you paid half for it. i've done the research alraedy, but we decided against any diamond.

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