Hello, I typed “fat wife” in the search tool on Reddit, and this is what popped up. I was shocked by what I read (I read all the required literature,) and I do think you guys would be very qualified to give me a honest and frank opinion. My basic question is: Do you think my marriage is in danger due to me getting fat?

Background: In my teens and 20’s, I was beautiful, and knew it. I only dated the best looking guys, and was used to constant male attention. In my early 20’s when college graduation was approaching, my parents sat me down and had a talk with me. They basically said that if I keep dating the type of guys I’d been seeing, I’d end up (poor and) unhappy. They advised me to find a guy who would be financially stable. I think it was implied that since I was at peak attractiveness, now was the time. I got scared, and promptly dumped my current boyfriend. I met (an average looking) young physician a few months later. He proposed within 5 months, and married me within a year. We were in love, so it wasn’t all about looks and income. But with 100% certainty, I wouldn’t have caught his eye without being so attractive. On the flip side, I wouldn’t have married an average looking guy (since I was used to attracting every man and could have my pick,) if he wasn’t wealthy and successful.

Once married, I felt a little guilty that my life was so easy. I could have anything (material-wise) that I wanted, and my husband adored me. I set on a quest to be the best wife possible. I learned to cook, and eventually become excellent at it. I could have hired a cleaning service, but did the housework and laundry myself. When my husband wanted a kid, and then another, and another, I had them. He didn’t have much time for the children, and I never, (even once,) asked him to get up during the night, change a diaper/bathe them, or do any menial task. I plan family outings frequently, and invite him to come along, but never pressure him.

Overall, I also tried to entertain his every wish, especially in the bedroom. I’ve done things for him sexually, I NEVER imagined I’d do for a man. I’ve made a lot of effort to be the best lover possible, in order to be a great wife. (I should note that we’re 100% monogamous. I don’t think he’d suggest changing that, but if so, I would not be willing to cross that line. And if he would cheat, I would leave.)

Basically, my husband’s job was/is his only responsibility. I took care of everything.

So here’s the problem after 12 years of marriage: I gained 20 pounds of extra fat with each child. (My youngest is two-years-old.) After my first, despite the gain, I still looked good. Men still stared at me wherever I went. After my second, I noticed that less men looked at me, but I was still attractive. Now, at 60 lbs heavier than my wedding day, men don’t look. Older men (50+) will stare at a me, and a lot of my male neighbors will try to flirt with me, but I used to have every male turn in my direction when I walked in the room. That just doesn't happen now. Do I care? I might care a little, but to be honest, I’m kind of over all the male attention. It gets old. Now that I’m heavy (5’3’’ and 170 pounds,) women like me more. I fit in with all the other fat moms. And since I dress nicely, and am always presentable, I don’t look as frumpy as most other moms.

Why I’m afraid for my marriage: There have been a lot of little red flags that he’s unhappy with my weight. For example, last summer, my husband started going to the gym. He lost a lot of weight, and looks really good. After a few months, he upgraded to a “family membership,” and suggested that I go to the gym also. I was insulted, but since the gym had free child-care, I soon started to go to classes with my other mom friends. I haven’t lost weight, but I do look significantly more toned.

My husband used to bring me home little treats occasionally, knowing that I love candy/junk food, but don’t buy it for myself. The other month he brought me a pint of ice cream, and I ate it in one sitting, (which I always have in the past). This time, he made a remark of disbelief that I’d eat so much at once. I was completely shocked. I’m not proud to say this, but I threw a fit. Of course, he has’t brought something home for me since. Which is fine, it’s not like I ever needed the junk food. But my feelings were, and still are, hurt.

Another example, is that he asked me how much I weigh. He’s never asked me this before. I probably would have been honest, if he had asked me in the past. But I felt weird about it, and told him I couldn’t bare to tell him. Since I rarely ever say “no,” to him, I can tell he wasn’t pleased.

Oh, and a (rich) friend of mine gained a whole lot of weight while pregnant, and her husband hired a personal trainer for her after the baby. I mentioned this to my husband, and he seemed to get excited, and offered to hire one for me. (I felt ashamed, and didn’t bring it up again.)

So, anyway, I’ve started to diet. I’ve cut back calories, but have only been losing a pound every 10 days or so. At a rate of 3 pounds a month, it will take me 20 months to lose this weight. I’ve been browsing plastic surgery websites, wondering if I should get lipo or something like that to expedite things. If things are critical, I want to act more drastically.

But I’m not sure if things are critical or not. He still kisses me, says he loves me, and calls me beautiful, all unprompted. We still sleep together, probably 5 times a week. The other day, after sex, I said something like, “I’m sorry I got so fat.” He replied with, “If you keep doing what you do in the bedroom, you can do whatever the hell you like outside of it.” I was relieved by his comment/joke, but afraid it was only made in the afterglow of good sex.

So, what do you think I should do? I’m going to keep going to the gym, and I’m going to keep dieting, despite the slow weight loss. If there was a way for me to be a “better” wife to make up for the fatness (at least until I can lose the weight,) I’d do it. But sincerely, I’m already being the best wife I can be.

Women do flirt with him sometimes, especially single women who know he's a doctor. I’m scared!

Note: My lawyer friend did some quick calculations for me, and said that if he left, he’d be paying me over $3,000 a month in child care. I feel better that I wouldn’t have money troubles if he’d leave. But I want to keep my children’s father in the house. And I want the man I’ve invested over 12 years of memories with, to stick with me and love only me.