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submitted by steffihill
My best friend (27 F) is getting married in October. She told me recently (after I suspected sadness and pryed it out of her) that as she was trying on her wedding dress that she called her ex and asked if there was still a chance between them. He eventually told her no.
I told her it wasn't too late to call it off... That I'd be by her side and help her with everything including moving out of her house and starting a new life. She continued to say that she was now happy and moved on, but then contradicts it with comments like "I don't really want to talk about my wedding because the attention makes me uncomfortable."
I think it's more than just cold feet. A part of me knows that she romanticized her last relationship with her ex because he was by her side when her mom tragically died 10 years ago. It was such a difficult time in her life and I know planning her wedding without her mom has been painful because it has brought up raw feelings that she never worked out in her grief. When I brought this up to her she whole heartedly agreed that was the case.
Her fiancé is a perfectly nice guy- but it's not a good match. He is a dud emotionally for her charisma. She told me she dislikes his family, doesn't have good sex and does not like being the breadwinner in the relationship.
A lot of her family and friends agree with me that she isn't making the right choice but no one wants to confront her. Throughout our 10+ years of friendship I have always been the one giving her my opinions and tough love. Sometimes it's even caused some major conflicts and distance between us. Everyone in her life just assumes I'll be the one to say something. Everyone is waiting on me. I love her to death.. But this is exhausting.
On another note, I'm also worried about her stress and her health, especially with the long history of cancer in her family. I know there are worse things than divorce, but do I continue to pry when she's defiant or should I sit on the sidelines and watch her make a huge mistake? I've already voiced my opinion. She seems to be set in her ways.
I have never suffered a loss of a mom nor have I been engaged so it's hard for me to understand completely what she's going though as much as I want to.
Thank you so much for your time and your help.
tl;dr: how do I tell my best friend that I don't think it's a good idea for her to get married?
all 58 comments
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[–]Meatros 420 points421 points422 points  (16 children)
Called her ex to see if there's a chance.
She's told me that she dislikes his family.
They don't have good sex.
She resents being the breadwinner.
You need to tell her that she needs to cancel the wedding.
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[–]bozoconnors 121 points122 points123 points  (2 children)
Also... reiterate, emphasize and remind her (/reality check)... she actually did this...
Called her ex to see if there's a chance.
Sure, it's gonna mess the poor guy up, but years of a terrible marriage and then divorce will potentially waste years of both their lives and likely leave them both with more emotional baggage than a luggage carousel at LAX. (edit: not to mention financial implications/complications)
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[–]alienumnox 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
Be careful in the way you emphasize this OP. Don't make it about the ex, make it about her doing something dramatic to find a way out of the wedding. She shouldn't worry about her ex, or trying to make something happen with him (esp. since he said no), but she should focus on what an intense action this was.
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[–]BudongHerder 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
And if she is the primary financial support, there is the slim chance that she would be left making alimony payments.
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[–]madmaxturbator 20 points21 points22 points  (3 children)
agreed 100%.
also - you should tell her to cancel the wedding because it's the right thing to do for the fiance also.
OP, if I was you I'd be really uncomfortable with my "best friend"... she's really scummy, I don't care if this was a one off situation, but calling an ex to see if you have a chance when you're trying on wedding dresses? really? that's just so fucking wrong. fucks sake.
if I was her fiance, I would definitely break up with her and never ever see her again if I was informed of this.
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[–]weneedmoreempathy 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
Yep, the fiancé is the real potential victim here.
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[–]tealparadise 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
In another light, she was doing a very traditional mother/daughter activity, and in her grief she reached out to the person who supported her through her mother's death. Yes it was shitty what she actually said/did but I can see the emotion behind it.
Though, from the comments it looks like I'm reading a sanitized and edited version.
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[–]steffihill[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I know - I've disagreed with her actions for a very long time and have distanced myself from her greatly because of her actions. She's been less and less of a friend to me throughout the years as well....
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[–]Reisevi3ber 7 points8 points9 points  (4 children)
Wow, where did you read those things? (Like she resents being the breadwinner, etc .. )
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[–]Damazein 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
OP initially had it in her post, but it looks like she edited it out.
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[–]Lockraemono 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
That's confusing. I wonder why she edited it? Seems like relevant information.
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[–]Damazein 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Oh it is relevant information. Relevant information that casts her friend in a bad light which is probably why it got taken out.
I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to edit out the whole calling her ex part, but the fact it's been called out numerous times will look bad on OP.
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[–]steffihill[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I edited them back in, my bad.
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[–]Damazein 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
You need to tell her that she needs to cancel the wedding.
Screw that, somebody needs to tell her fiance so HE can cancel the damn wedding!
Not right that she is doing all this and hes kept in the dark
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[–]steffihill[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Thank you. I completely agree.
The concerns about her not liking the sex and resenting making the money in the relationship was a conversation we had right before they got engaged.. She would never admit that to me now after the engagement. She has far too much pride.
UPDATE for all asking about the groom: Before they were engaged I tried to talk with him about her health and he didn't seem to care at all. He was very distant to me and cold. If I were to reach out to him about this issue I am not sure if he would be receptive.
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[–]krell_154 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
If that doesn't work, she needs to tell her fiance that his bride to be wanted to make up with her ex. While trying on a fucking wedding dress.
The guy is being made a complete fool of. Nobody deserves this, the cruelty is astounding.
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[–]arcxiii 148 points149 points150 points  (1 child)
If everyone is treating her with kid gloves maybe as her best friend she need someone to just be honest with her. Fragile people will stay fragile if you shelter them.
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[–]sleepfight 109 points110 points111 points  (2 children)
I think you need to have a girl's wine night and give it to her straight.
"Do you really want to get married? Is this really what you want, or are you just afraid to put on the brakes? Be honest with me. What you said the other day about your ex worried me a lot, and I want to make sure you're doing this because you want to do it."
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[–]mylifeisprettyplain 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Yup. And if there's a couple close friends they should all get together for girls night.
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[–]steffihill[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
This is a great idea... And I love the idea of being in a group. However we are all cross country. I won't be with her until her bachelorette party...which is a month before her wedding. I did already voice my opinion to her once- maybe with a couple girls on my side it will be more beneficial. I'm just worried about the timeline.
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[–]kingpaint 73 points74 points75 points  (1 child)
Someone needs to be blunt, and I guess thats you.
TBH, if it comes to it, you might have to tell HIM.
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[–]TrueRune 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
I'm surprised this is so low. It seems like this marriage would be a mistake. If she won't listen to you, then it's do nothing at let the train derail down the road, or tell him.
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[–]BabyGotSack 65 points66 points67 points  (1 child)
"Hey, I know you're scared and your going through a really tough time. But I'm your friend and you need to hear this from someone: you're being a fucking asshole to your fiancé, and you need to stop or call off the wedding."
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[–]kingpaint 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
Indeed. All this gentle crap has to stop
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[–]assflea 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
I've been in a similar position, I ended up marrying somebody I didn't really like all that much, all while mourning my mother and pining over my ex. Nobody tried to talk me out of it, but I'm not sure if they could have if they tried. It's embarrassing to call off a wedding.
That said, if it were my friend, I would talk to her. Not necessarily about her ex, but about what future she thinks this relationship has and whether or not she's actually going to be happy. And then you support her no matter what she chooses to do.
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[–]steffihill[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Thank you for the help. Especially since you've been there. I truly do believe she would be mortified to call it off - especially since she obsessed over stupid status on social media. May I ask if you are still married and when you realized it was over?
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[–]assflea 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
My divorce was finalized earlier this year, but I was separated for a year before that. We were married about 3.5 years before I left for good, but I always knew it was a mistake. I don't regret it necessarily, but if I could go back knowing what I know now I most likely would choose a different path.
My ex husband was in the army, stationed across the world, so the only way for me to get to him was for us to get married. We were engaged for three weeks before we got married. I knew before he asked me that I didn't want to do it anymore, but he had already asked my family for permission (yuck) so I knew that EVERYONE my grandma knew had been told, so I kind of felt like I had no choice. Then my family threw us an engagement party (against my wishes) and people brought gifts, idk, it was just too involved. And then because people had given me gifts and money, I felt like I had to stay married so they wouldn't feel like they wasted anything on me. I know exactly how dumb that sounds but I think I was just making excuses for myself because I was only like 22 and terrified that I ruined my life.
Happy to report though, for both my sake and possibly your friend's, that I've experienced no stigma whatsoever since getting divorced. I was worried it would impact my dating life, that people would make fun of my failure, nobody at all has cared.
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[–]Jilltro 22 points23 points24 points  (1 child)
I've lost a mother and been engaged (I don't recommend either one.)
I think you should have a heart to heart with her. "Gentle opinions" are well and good, but it sounds like this person needs a wake up call. Ex-boyfriend aside, it seems like her marriage would be a huge mistake. Calling off a wedding is so difficult, but it's so much easier than leaving or being stuck in a bad marriage.
Sit her down and have a serious talk with her. Don't bother mentioning the ex boyfriend. Tell her that it seems like she's making a big mistake based on what you know about her sex lives, his family, and their dynamic. Say you know she contacted her ex because she's looking for a way out and is scared of being alone. Tell her that she's not alone, she has you and her family to support you and promise you WILL support her no matter what she chooses. And then do that.
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[–]sweetpeppah 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
YES. it's not about the ex. it's about finding someone who she wants to marry and spend her life with.
i had a friend who said things like "well, he wanted to, and i couldn't think of any reason not to marry him" when they were engaged. and maybe i should have had more of a serious conversation with her about it in reaction! but i didn't. they got marries, and they got divorced a few years later. your friend has reasons that this relationship isn't making her happy and will continue to not make her happy in the future.
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[–]sparrow5 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
You sound like a good friend and that you care about her a lot. You can't change her mind, but if no one else is expressing their concerns to her, well, if I was her, I think I'd want someone to. If her mom was around maybe she would be the one to bring it up, so maybe you should. Do you think her mom would agree that she might not be making the best choice marrying the guy?
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[–]Waitingforadragon 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
If you do talk to your friend about this, remind her that going through a divorce creates significantly more emotional and financial pain then cancelling a wedding ever has.
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[–]msb132 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
You need to be blunt with her and tell her all the reasons why you think this marriage is wrong for her. Then you need to tell her all the reasons why this marriage is wrong for her fiancé. Then you need to decide what the consequences are if she stays with him (you do not attend the wedding, you drop out of the bridal party, you tell her fiancé about her conversation, you cut back on your friendship, etc) and stick to them.
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[–]josihanna 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Your friend desperately needs professional help. Do you know her thoughts on therapy, especially grief therapy? As in, is she totally against the idea or perhaps open to it?
I would personally be honest with her and tell her that you don't want to watch her dive into something that will most definitely not make her happy. I would gently bring up therapy as an option.
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[–]15yemenrd 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
It would be unfair to both of them to let her go on with the wedding. If you were in her fiancee's shoes, would you want to know she was going behind your back trying to get back with her ex?
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[–]Good_Advice_Service 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
So this marriage sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
...and your friend sounds like a massive drama magnet who is unfaithful to her fiance.
Maybe its time someone is honest with her?
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[–]stink3rbelle 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Some of the problems with her current relationship aren't going to be solved if she were with someone else. But that doesn't mean that she should get married. In addition to confronting her, ask her to see a therapist, too, because she may never be in the right place to settle down if she holds onto her ex like this, and hasn't faced all her sorrow.
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[–]dos8s 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You should do the dramatic wedding objection when they ask.
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[–]NoMoreJuiceBoxes 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I feel bad for the groom.
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[–]Conceited-Monkey 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You can be pretty blunt. Anyone trying on wedding dresses who calls her ex to get back together is not in a good place. If she choses to get angry at you it is probably better than trying to help her out after she goes through with the wedding.
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[–]werekoala 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You tell her how you feel. Occasional brutal honesty is one of the hallmarks of true friendship.
And then, when she goes ahead and marries the guy, you act 100% supportive and happy for her.
After, you stay in contact.
When the whole situation crashes & burns, you give her a shoulder to cry on, a kind ear to listen, and a couch to crash on as needs be.
And you never once say "See, I told you so"
That's the price you pay for the true friendship that lets you be brutally honest. Pay it at your discretion.
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[–]walk_through_this 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I told her it wasn't too late to call it off... That I'd be by her side and help her with everything including moving out of her house and starting a new life. She continued to say that she was now happy and moved on, but then contradicts it with comments like "I don't really want to talk about my wedding because the attention makes me uncomfortable."
You've done all you can do, really. I mean, if she brings up her cold feet again, you can make the same offer. But really, if you've offered her support to leave her relationship, and she didn't take it, what more could you do?
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[–]Coolica1 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
It sounds like you've been a great friends to her for as long as you've known her. Please don't stop that now. Confront her and make her face up to what she's about to do. If that doesn't work then get your friends help. And if that doesn't work then just tell the fiance.
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[–]thehof 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Well, you certainly should tell your friend what you're thinking and feeling.
That said? You seem to have taken on a lot of responsibility about this and that's not fair. It is NOT your responsibility. Is it the actions of a good friend? Sure. However, if she makes a bad choice- that ain't on you. That's on her.
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[–]LittleBlueEyes 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
What to do? It's not your circus, so after voicing your opinion, you leave it up to her to make her own decisions even if they're ones you disagree with.
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[–]chickensandwichlover 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Yep. Tell her what you think once, sincerely, and then decide if you want to be there when it all falls apart. That's all you can do.
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[–]jpallan 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
A lot of her family and friends agree with me that she isn't making the right choice but no one wants to confront her. I have always been the one giving her my opinions and tough love and everyone just assumes I'll be the one to say something. Everyone is waiting on me. I love her to death.. But this is exhausting.
This is because your friend is clearly such a dramamonger that no one wants to even bring it up, because there will be no end of consequences and weeping and wailing.
I don't think you have any kind of serious problem, but I'd read some things online about codependency and so on. I think everyone in her life enables her, probably as a result of being sad about losing her mother and so on and giving her a "little space" after an "understandable upset", and as a consequence, she's turned into a monster.
I'd consider going nuclear here (that is, speaking directly to her fiancé and offering concrete proof, such as checking her phone records), because can you imagine what things will be like if this wedding does come off and she gets pregnant by this guy? You know the marriage will implode shortly because you're not a moron, unlike your friend, but the fiancé is a somewhat innocent bystander, and any kids she might have would be a world-class innocent bystander.
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[–]arpsazombie 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
I told her it wasn't too late to call it off... That I'd be by her side and help her with everything including moving out of her house and starting a new life.
You already told her she doesn't have to marry this guy and she told you she wants to. At some point all of you have to let her make her own grown up choices. Her SO isn't bad guy, she's not in danger, so now that you've said your bit be supportive.
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[–]Chittybanger 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
If she doesn't want to do the right thing and call off the wedding then I think you should let her fiancé know what's going on. He needs to be able to make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to marry this woman. He's under the impression that everything is fine and dandy, that she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Meanwhile, shes off trying to get back together with ex boyfriends while trying on wedding dresses and basically just trying to find back up plans incase she needs an "out".
After reading about her calling her ex I have no sympathy for her. She is the one that put herself in this situation and agreed to get engaged under false pretenses. She is basically leading her fiancé on and using him. She might not be using him for money but she is using him for the stability, prestige and social standing that comes with getting married. It's people like your friend that make others question the whole idea of "love" in relationships. She isn't being honest with herself or her fiancé. She is being intentionally deceptive and extremely cruel and insensitive to his feelings by not being honest about her feelings towards him.
If I were you, I would flat out tell her she needs to come clean to her fiancé about everything, how she feels and about calling her ex. If she refuses and goes on pretending I would let her fiancé know what she is doing and what she did. If she marries him it will just end up in conflict and turn into a huge shitshow. She will resent him and treat him like shit because deep down she doesn't love him and she will become bitter about the situation that she created. Then they will go through divorce and everything that entails.. Her fiancé doesn't deserve that. And if she wants to be a spineless, scummy piece of trash and mislead him, then someone needs to do the right thing here and give him a heads up.
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[–]Damazein 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
how do I tell my best friend that I don't think it's a good idea for her to get married?
By telling her she's nowhere near ready to get married and she should call it off.
Calling her ex to see if it would work out while trying on her wedding dress is a seriously bad thing to do and completely unfair to her fiance.
Marrying him while saying all those things about him is a seriously bad thing to do and completely unfair to her fiance.
A lot of her family and friends agree with me that she isn't making the right choice but no one wants to confront her.
Then somebody should have bloody sat down and confronted her! Instead they just enabled her behaviour which is why she's now in this position!
And for the love of god somebody needs to sit down with her fiance, tell him exactly what's going on here and tell him the damn truth so he can make up his own mind and decide if he wants to marry her!
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[–]Batticon 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You and your mutual friends that agree with you all need to confront her. Like, in the most loving way. You all need to confront her in a safe space with wine and chocolate and netflix.
It's much worse to let her make a life-altering mistake because you were too shy to give your opinion, than it is to just give an opinion she doesn't like.
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[–]ESVF 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Why would she even consider marrying somebody who she feels this way about..? I don't get that at all. Is she considering having kids too?
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[–]izzgo 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
as she was trying on her wedding dress that she called her ex and asked if there was still a chance between them. He eventually told her no.
how do I tell my best friend that I don't think it's a good idea for her to get married?
Well, almost assuredly if you tell the fiance about that phone conversation, there won't be a wedding. You would likely also lose your friend tho.
Would your friend group consider an intervention? If so, you all would need to say that you'll support her whatever she ultimately decides, but for all those reasons you listed you think she should reconsider. It's not too late, though it will be expensive. Not as expensive as a divorce, though.
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[–]Krescentia 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
She needs to call off the wedding.
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[–]D_T_MF_A 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
If she won't end it, you should tell her fiance so he can. It's what's best for both of them.
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[–]kingpaint -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Invite the ex to the wedding. See if THEN she realises how fucked up this is and bails
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