AP Jg Malz!? Surely you must be drunk!

Worry not little one as I spin you a tale of my discovery of raw OP! Although the vodka still stings in my throat, I assure you I'm more than sober enough to tell you the One True Secret ^tm to ranked:

JUNGLE AP MALZAHAR

(I recommend you play this music while reading the guide)

Runes

We gonna outscale the fucking planet here folks, you gonna farm faster than a Yi at 50 min. Get Health per levels yellows (armor is for the weak willed), scaling CDR blues (fuck cooldowns), mpen reds, and flat AP quints. Alternatively, get movespeed quints cause Malz is slower than a southerner on a mobility scooter.

Masteries

Champion.gg > "Malzahar" > copy top win rate, but make sure to get Runic Affinity or you gonna cry.

The First Clear

Begin with Hunter's Talisman (muhh manas) and potions. Start a point in W because gromp is a piece of shit and has mad health. Use W twice before jungle spawn, and once on gromp while you smash his tanky fucking face in with the help of bot or top lane. Smite em, and see if you can see any tears from his hateful eyes. Fuck gromp.

You shouldn't be too low if your laner helped you. If they didn't, RIP and never gank them as retribution. Level Q next, and attack blue buff because without it you're worth less than Apple in the early 90s. If it gets stolen, I recommend pressing ALT + F4 twice on your keyboard and crying into a pillow.

When you use your first ability on blue, you may have noticed you've pooped out a nice little minion! These schizophrenic idiots are going to help you with one thing: shredding the big bad monsters. Later on, they'll tank for you, but right now they're as weak as my dating game, so you'll have to tank the blue buff until it gets close to 400 health, and then let the minion tank the rest.

Wow I have so much health still!

Then you got a nice leash, congrats. Tank the monsters for longer, as your babbyz only get stronger with time.

Do the same as blue for wolves, get E, nom raptors, and struggle through red. When you get to krugs, get them low enough for a minion to finish them and back while its happening for los puntos de swag. Level Q > E > W

What about R?

Really?

Should I gank for my top/bottom/mid laner after first clear?

If an enemy laner is pushing super hard and you just finished red/krugs, mayyybeee.... otherwise lol fuck that. You need to prepare yourself for

The Really Sad Time

Your blue is about to or just has run out after your first back, when you purchased Freezey Smitey. This next clear is going to hurt more than when you first tried Orianna. Make your way through the jungle, utilizing your health and your babbyz. Try to get a scuttles, but she a trixxxy girl and will juke your Qs.

Should I gank for my laners now?

No, you're the saddest panda right now, let them sort it out on their own. It's not your job to win their lane for them.

This sucks, I'm almost dead and out of mana!

Ah yes, but we've just passed the worst part of Malz Jungle, and it's time for

The Reason You Played this Bullshit in the First Place

You have ult! You just got your second blue! Your team is sad you have poor map pressure! SHOW THEM HOW WRONG THEY ARE

Go get drag. Yes, I'm serious. Go solo drag. With full health, at least half mana, a smite, and a huge e-peen, you're going to grab dragon from right under bot lane's noses. If your team comes to help, and an enemy mid laner is near, tell them politely that you're a strong independent woman who don't need no help tyvm, and solo that drag.

Make circles around the beast, making sure minions spawn on alternating sides. Work him harder than that stripper you saw last night. No enemy can come interrupt because either they'd get ulted, or if your ult is down, they can't interrupt you anyway cause they're dead from when you killed them in lane.

Congratz! You got first drag! Go clear jungle and gank lanes.

The Rest of the Game

You have the ridiculous ability to solo herald and drag at any time you please, given enough mana. Those little bitches that keep stretching you as you pop them out are ready to work their little cold little hearts on tanking everything in your path while you drop W's on monsters.

Build Runic echoes, then ROA fast. Get Rylais, Liandriisad (can't spell), Big Red Hat of Damages, and then whatever you want. Late game sell that Runic Echoes if you want, idgaf.

Continue stealing blue buffs from your mid laner, flash ulting enemy laners for easy monies, counter jungling the sad jungler whenever R is up, and executing mad objective control through herald and drag.

Congrats! you just learned AP Malz Jungle!

-Frequently Asked Questions-

   Is this a troll pick, or is it actually good?

Yes.

   malz jungle???????

You sound like every time I enter a queue.

   Which champions counter Malz Jungle?

Graves, Shaco, Blitz, QSS.

   Why not armor?

It's simply unnecessary, with even a mediocre leash at Over-Powered Toad of Butthurt, you can clear the jungle and be above half health. Let minions tank and stuff or something IDK, just don't get armor!

   Hunter's Potion?

Same as above, play smarter you really don't need it.

   I disagree with your build path

Ok I don't give a shit, you're the one playing AP fucking Malz jungle, you get the items you want.

   What's your win rate?

Usually close to 70%ish

   You ended platinum last season, crushing goldies doesn't mean AP Malz is good hurr durr!!!

Go fuck yourself

   Can I see a game of you in action?

Here's an overall super tense awesome game where I carried and shit

   Why spill the beans on this amazing best-kept secret?

Rito is gonna fuck him harder than gromp in the upcoming mage updates, so I might as well just get my 5 mins in the spotlight now before this amazing build fades away forever. ...I MEAN UH, I'M JUST A SUPER NICE KINDA GUY YA KNOW!? GOODNESS OF MY HEART AND SHIT

   When should I pick AP Malzadurr Junguhhurr

Preferably your team has balanced damage sources, the mid laner is like an AD assassin or something, and you have a designated tank. Also, being low elo helps.

   malz suxxx, lol qss np pew pew u deaded

Did You Know: QSS removes the supression, but not the Rylais procs nor damage from Malzahar's ultimate?

Anyways, I'm happy to answer any questions y'all have for me, so ask away!