I [28F] decided to open up about the full truth to my fiance [29M] and he broke up with me and cancelled our wedding. Please, I'm so angry and sad, I don't know what to do now.

shadowDodger1 · 18日前

What was I meant to do, lie?

No. You did the right thing by telling him.

What you are meant to do is come to terms with the fact that your past may disqualify you in the eyes of deeply religious men. Accept that fact and consider looking to less religious men for relationships.

tama_gotchi · 18日前

OP - Unfortunately part of coming clean and being honest with someone is also accepting that they might not accept you afterwards.

I think you did the right thing telling your ex, how he chooses to use the information is up to him.

It sucks that it's (likely) due to your sexual history, but honestly, I wouldn't want to date a man who cared that much about what I did with my body before I ever met him.

I've been brought up with a "tough love" attitude to relationships so once they're over, for me they're over.

I'd learn your lesson here - be honest and open earlier with your partner - and try to move on.

lamamaloca · 18日前

He may have broken up with you because you are not a virgin, or he may have broken up with you because he felt deceived in that you hadn't told him about some important life experiences. He may feel you're not who he thought you were.

You were absolutely right to tell him, and maybe use this as a learning experience in that it isn't a good idea to keep your past secret. Your past absolutely always has an impact on your present, even if that impact is only "I'm not going to be like that again." As a Catholic, keep in mind that many of the greatest saints also were some of the greatest sinners.

If you need to get out some of these emotions, maybe write your ex a letter? Apologize for keeping this info a secret, explain your reasoning (that you're a very different person), point out the forgiveness the Church teaches, etc. Then hang on to that letter and consider long and hard (at least a week, I'd recommend a few) before you either rewrite it and send it or tear it up. It usually does no good to go chasing after someone who doesn't want a relationship with you, but I've also had good luck with estranged family members, not romantic partners, in apologizing and expressing myself through a letter. The best is probably to write it out then tear it up, just for the catharsis.

mayonakahoshi · 18日前

I'm surprised the conversation never came up. As someone who purposely 'saved' myself for marriage and am very religious. It was something I brought up with every guy I got serious with. I'm not blaming you so much as if it was really that important to your husband, why did he just assume? In today's world you can't assume anyone is a virgin. I never do unless told otherwise

silverraven1189 · 18日前

Look, you say that sex just never came up. I can buy that for the most part, but I refuse to believe that you had no chance to tell him this before you got engaged.

You may have never flat out said, "I'm a virgin" but I'm going to guess he's made comments about "first time" and being excited to finally have sex. I'm sure he's made comments about his own commitment and about the special bond you two will share.

He didn't come to the conclusion that you were a virgin all on his own. You don't go into detail, but I bet you helped him believe that. You knew that he thought you were a virgin and only brought it up when you were already engaged. A lie by omission is still a lie.

I don't agree with his values, but certain people put a lot of value into sex and saving themselves for marriage, and want someone else that shares those values. Now that he's found out that you don't share his value system, he's started to think about what else you haven't told him, what else you've lied about. Maybe he's thinking about how he'd much prefer to marry someone that considers sex as sacred as he does. It also seems like maybe you weren't 100% honest with him about your troubled past, because if you were, sex may have already come up.

There's nothing you can do to fix your relationship, except hope he comes around. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and make your next relationship better than this one.

moonlightracer · 18日前

I'm a changed and different person now, and that past does not define me and it has nothing to do with who I am now

Honestly though, a lot of people aren't going to see it that way. You may be able to completely remove your past self from your current life, but not everyone is going to be able to do that. For a lot of people (myself included) your past is extremely important, because past experiences help shape who you are today.

I read often online of husbands who get upset when they find out their wife has lied to them about her sexual history.

That doesn't just go for husbands. No one likes being lied to about anything. Some things are bigger than others, and clearly sex is a big deal to him.

What was I meant to do, lie?

If you knew that your husband thought you were a virgin, you should have corrected him. It seems like you had a strong feeling that he thought this for a long time. The moment you realized he thought this, you should have come clean, not waited.

Also, you don't mention your husband's past at all. Is he also a virgin? Is waiting until marriage an important thing for him? How does he generally feel about sexuality?

Fitzwilliger · 18日前

You decided to be honest with him after years of misrepresentation. It isn't a mistake that he thought you were a virgin. You knew he'd assume it and you deliberately didn't tell him about it. Telling him about it after getting engaged isn't a golden ticket into him having to accept the years of you deliberately not telling him about your sexual past. He's allowed to decide that it's a deal breaker for him.

Se7enLC · 17日前

I tried to be honest with him and this is what I got.

Well, not quite. Coming clean is not the same as being honest.

It sounds like from your perspective you never meant to mislead him. But try to see it from his perspective. He feels like you've been lying to him the entire time. The moment you came clean was the moment he discovered you'd been lying to him. And then he spent a couple days wondering what else you were still lying about.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You still did the right thing by telling him, and his decision on how to handle it was his decision. There's nothing you could have done differently at that point.

In the future, if you ever have that feeling in the back of your mind that you're hiding something from your partner, nip it early. Don't make them ask the right questions and interrogate you to discover your secrets.

BraveFencerMusashi · 17日前

People are the culmination of all their life decisions. You can't just dismiss parts of you that your current self dislikes. It's a part of you no matter what.

atomic_wunderkind · 18日前

[deleted]

watchhasended · 18日前

You were honest with him and you got honesty in return.

T2ChinaJasmine · 17日前

I don't think you have any right to be angry. You lied by omission throughout the entire course of your relationship. You should have told him earlier. I know this hurts, but I hope you can learn a lesson from it.

I decided I didn't want to build our marriage on false beliefs, and thought he'd accept it if I tell him openly, that he'd forgive me and still accept me because I know he loves me.

This doesn't matter. You already built your relationship on false beliefs.

Thenightisyoungish · 18日前

It took two years for you to be honest with him. He was honest with you from the start.

Think about that.

From his perspective that is two years of you not being honest. And I'm afraid you are just going to have to accept that and move on.

steph_c1 · 18日前

I think the biggest question here is why you let your partner believe you were a virgin for 2 years when you knew this was important to him. There were clearly big issues at play if you felt you couldn't tell him this/ chose not to be truthful to him.

saltedcaramelsauce · 18日前

What you did is called a lie of omission. You knew that he was assuming something about you that wasn't true, and you deliberately did not correct that assumption.

As for what you do now about this guy, the answer is nothing. Be honest to future partners from the get-go.

eversiince · 17日前

This past doesn't define me thing is so silly. Your past is literally what makes you who you are today. If your husband murdered or raped someone in the past would you not want to know? Oh, but it's his past, it doesn't define him.

partofbreakfast · 18日前

Unfortunately, that's what happens sometimes. When you come clean about your past, not everyone is going to accept that. In this case, he decided that this was a dealbreaker for him.

You can be angry, you can be sad, you can be whatever emotion you're feeling. But ultimately, you're going to have to move on. There's someone out there who will accept you as you are. Just be sure to tell him about all of this before engagements and wedding plans happen.

ThatGuyMiles · 18日前

What do you mean "he may have been mislead into thinking I was a virgin"?

You KNOW whether someone believes you to be a virgin or not, he had to have mentioned or said something for you to think this. Even if you didn't actually "discuss" it, the second you realized he thought you were a virgin is the second you correct him. You don't just let him or anyone continue on thinking you are virgin when you are not. That's a little fucked up. Most people would be upset that their partner lied by omission for so long. It would be dumb not to reconsider a proposal. If they are willing to go along and let someone believe something like that, what else would they not speak up about, and use "well, we never explicitly talked about this" as an excuse.

updn · 18日前

What was your sexual relationship like with him, if I may ask?

DiTrastevere · 18日前

You did the right thing. It just revealed that he is not the one for you. I know it hurts so, so badly, and that you really wanted him to be, but anyone who cannot accept your past, even the bare bones of it, isn't right for you.

I so strongly disagree with this particular dealbreaker, but he's allowed to have it. Moving forward, if you plan on continuing to date highly religious men, you need to be up front with this (never met a non-religious man who expected a 28 year old woman to be a virgin). Don't present yourself as something you're not, even inadvertently.

geetea · 18日前

I love how you disassociate yourself from your "past" self as if you were a completely different person. Sure we make mistakes but that is forever part of you whether you like it or not. You most likely enjoyed it at the time. Sex is fun for the most part. Why lie about this? Be up front so next time so you don't string along somebody you know expects a virgin.

NotYourAverageNut · 17日前

For this reason he may have thought I'm a virgin

If you have been together for that long and haven't been having sex there was clearly some level of discussion of agreement on that. If you did that without mentioning that you'd had prior partners then you were lying to him. It may be a lie of omission, but a lie none the less. He has reason to believe you were a virgin because you let him believe it. You gave him that reason. And if you seriously went two years without even mentioning it then there are some serious communication issues in your relationship anyway.

The trust is broken in your relationship. That will take time to rebuild, if he's even willing to try. Give him time and just let him know you are the one who messed up and your willing to do what's necessary to rebuild it.

Lilblacksheepsie · 18日前

If you had told him from the getgo, this attachment wouldnt have been so large and devastating. If you start dating someone who has an inkling of being religious, you should mention you're not a virgin so they can decide to not get attached to you as well. You don't have to go into all the details but letting someone know you arent a virgin shouldnt be some huge big deal to tell someone.

Im sorry he felt this was something so important, but if hes a virgin, he probably wanted to have those first moments with someone whos never had them before as well.

I wish all the best. Goodluck

brigidthebold · 17日前

I can relate to you a little on both sides of the issue. You did the right thing by being honest, though this is a conversation that probably should have happened weeks or months, not years, into the relationship. But I can understand, being somewhat religious myself, how it can be awkward to bring up sex stuff, especially if the other person is a virgin and you are not.

The problem is that your boyfriend's reality of you, which has been built (whether from what you've told him or what he has assumed based on what you haven't told him) up over the last two years has just been altered. Some others here have called your boyfriend a judgmental a-hole for his reaction. I think he overreacted. But if he is a virgin himself, suddenly that very intimate thing he thought you had in common was something you never had in common. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? No. Does it matter to him? Obviously.

I would give him his space, and give him some time to adjust to this new reality and sift through his thoughts. Call him in a week or two, ask if he'd like to talk in person about this. Could be that he'll realize he overreacted. Could be that he'll never come around. But I think giving him some time to himself would be much better than trying to solve things immediately.

HotDogKnights · 18日前

First and foremost, you still did the right thing, even if it didn't have the outcome you wanted or expected. As bad as it is to break up and cancel a wedding, it's still better than divorce or married to someone who feels trapped and resentful.

Still I must ask... what do you mean by "he may have been lead to believe..."? Did you tell him you were a virgin? Did he try to initiate sex and you rejected him because you wanted to wait before marriage? If so, then he was actively deceived. It would have been better to be upfront that you've been sexually active in the past but that your values have since changed.

If this confession was the first discussion you've had about sex at all since you've been together, then that's a problem in and of itself. Even if you're religious, sex should not be a taboo subject between two people who are getting married and plan to be sexually active and exclusive with one another. It's very likely that you would've run into serious problems with intimacy and compatibility after you getting married if you couldn't even talk about sex beforehand.

With future partners (or with your ex-fiance if he eventually decides he wants to try again) you really need to have a frank talk about sex early in the relationship. You don't have to lay out your past history in graphic detail, but you should give an overview of what you were like in the past and why and how you've changed, especially if you plan on abstaining until marriage.

morecomments · 18日前

Unfortunately you are not owed forgiveness just because you finally decided to be honest. Welcome to the real world.

mmmimimizza · 17日前

He broke up with you because you presented yourself as someone you aren't.... you didn't sleep with him for two years, and he thinks you two are on the same page, only to find out that you've been shagged by other guys. That sounds crude,but that's the jist of why it hurt him and upset him so much. You did these things with other guys and presented yourself as someone completely different. I'm really sorry you're going through this...but the only thing you can do now is step back and give him space. Write him a heartfelt letter and be honest and just know there might not be any coming back from this for him. For what it is worth, he shouldn't be judging you so hard, but I think the lying is what is the biggest problem.

Sarcasticler · 18日前

What was I meant to do, lie?

This is so often the question when we tell the truth and things don't go our way? The answer? NO. fucking no. You were meant to tell the truth in spite of the harm it might cause you. The longer you waited, the worse it got.

Quite honestly, everyone is giving you a bit of a hard time here, and I understand why. I agree with most of them, but you are definitely to be commended for saying something, even if it took a while. I'm sure you knew this would matter to him, and managing to speak up was the right thing to do... even if it was a bit late.

I've broken up with someone in the past for something similar. It wasn't quite the same type of thing, but it was a lie of omission that mattered to me. I'm quite thankful to that person for eventually telling me the truth, even if it did cause our breakup.

Growlstreak · 17日前

This is a perfect example of why communication is so important.

OP Im sorry this happened to you like this, but I think the takeaway lesson here is that you should have talks like this waaay earlier in the relationship. And especially not wait until after he proposed! Not mentioning such an important and delicate fact until 2 years down the road is lying and really decietful...I can see why your fiance was so upset. He had every right to call off the wedding; imagine how he must feel if something major from your past was kept from him, he must be left wondering what else he doesnt know, and doesnt want to marry a mystery.

The only thing you can do now is move forward having a hard lesson learned under your belt, and not make the same mistake again. Theres really nothing else you can do

atomic_wunderkind · 18日前

OP, I've been the guy in this situation. Perhaps I can give you a useful perspective.

I grew up Mormon and was a virgin until my wedding day. My then-girlfriend and I had been dating for less than a year (in true Mormon fashion) before I proposed, so not as long as you and this fellow, but long enough to validate your experience:

he may have been lead to believe I'm a virgin based on my religiosity and we'd never really talked about past sexual partners before. For this reason he may have thought I'm a virgin.

Point 1: Lots of people here are throwing shade your way for 'lying by omission', but that's a bogus accusation in the context of a highly-religious relationship. It's very common for both parties to avoid this subject.

If you're super-religious, you don't talk about sex. Sex is bad. Sex is shameful. Within your relationship, you're actively working to AVOID sex: You avoid making out too much. You avoid talking about sex. You CERTAINLY don't ask your BF/GF about past sexual partners. The responsibility for this not coming up isn't all on you. It's equally on both of you.

Point 2: If this were a dealbreaker for your BF, it was on HIM to bring it up.

Your Ex-BF had 0 reason to expect that you're a virgin. There are a myriad scenarios where a devout religious person can not be a virgin:

What if you'd been sexually assaulted? What if you'd had a good long-term relationship with a religious person for whom extramarital sex was not a sin? What if, like MANY religious people, you'd had a period of 'straying from the faith'?

In fact, you still don't know if your Ex-BF is a virgin, and you don't care, so you didn't ask. If you did care, it would be on you to ask.

Point 3: Past choices contribute to who we are, but they do not define us. Mature people know this.

My then-Girlfriend sat me down one night, and she was visibly scared. She said that she had something to confess, and she told me that she was not a virgin.

I did not care. I knew that her past experiences, good and bad, positive and negative and whatever, all contributed to make her the person that I loved.

I told her it didn't bother me, and she was SO grateful. It was easily one of the best moments of my "Dude life" - all I had to do was not be a judgemental asshole, and she was treating me like I was a saint and her hero.

Plus, it wasn't entirely a surprise: I knew that she'd been less devout in grad school. I knew that she'd dated a non-Mormon for a couple years. My guess is that your Ex had lots of similar clues about your past if he'd cared to pay attention.

More to the point, I didn't think that her value was in her vagina.

OP, you dodged a bullet here. If a religious man values virginity over devotion, he's not the kind of man capable of truly loving you. He loves authoritarian ideals more than people. He's not Christ-like in the least.

Your Ex needs to mature as a person before he'd be worthy of you, and there's no knowing if he'll ever get to that point. Find someone who loves ALL of you. You deserve it :)

(edit: removed a poor example)

LaydModify · 18日前

Straight up you waited way too long to have this very important discussion. Although I personally don't practice abstinence, I can totally see why he's pissed and feels betrayed.

billbillbilly · 18日前

From the other perspective:

My GF misled me about her past and strung me along for 2 years. I thought I truly knew this person, did they not trust me before? How can I ever trust them again? I called off the engagement. I feel so angry, upset and hurt, like all my plans for my life suddenly came crashing down and I don't know where to go! What should I do?

dunksoverstarbucks · 18日前

you did the right thing, sometimes when you go all in the other person folds

angel_munster · 18日前

Maybe is is more upset with you lying to him for two years rather than you not being a virgin. It makes people ask: what else are they lying about?

syncopacetic · 18日前

You lied by omission, it's still a lie and a big one. He was totally in the right for leaving you if lies are a dealbreaker for him.

There's a difference between keeping your number of partners private to claiming or acting like a virgin.

ResistingTemptation · 17日前

Were you two in a sexual relationship or were you waiting until marriage?

blue_jammy · 17日前

I find myself in a very similar situation. Always assumed my girlfriend and I would lose our virginities to each other when the time was right. We were gradually building up to and had done pretty everything short of sex. She has issues with being afraid of men and uncomfortble with sex in general so I was just stunned when she confessed that several years ago, during a low point in our relationship, she had gone home with two guys (not at the same time) from bars and lost her virginity.

It doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but this was something that was very important to me. I found out two months ago and still am torn about what to do. I love her and want to forgive her, but I know myself. This is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life if I stay in the relationship. We were best friends since childhood and a couple since we were college age. It never occured to me that we might have sex with other people, let alone give our virginity to anyone other than each other.

I vacillate every sngle day about whether or not to keep trying.

shitstainjane · 17日前

You did the right thing by telling the truth. This is never something that you want to lie about. And if he is truly done with the relationship, then it's better that it happened before the marriage so you are only going through a breakup now and not a divorce.

Truthfully, if you outright lied to him for years about this, then he has a good reason to end the relationship, but if it was just something that you never talked about, then I guess that's a different story.

mdisred2 · 17日前

Let him go for now. I have a feeling he will be back after he has time to think it's kind of a reboot for humans. Just go about your business. You did the right thing by telling him. If, by chance, he comes back with a blame you attitude; claiming you mislead him, don't waste your time with him.

foodnguns · 17日前

I think theres one of 2 issues here

One he assumed you were a virgin and was the whole marry a virgin have sex on wedding day type-to him it seems like you strung him along for two years

The other type is the I want a virgin or why did you lie to me type-Unhappy about the lieing or the fact your not a virgin

In the former case: thats the way the rock falls,he wanted a virgin and your not

In the latter case: if he feels lied to esp given your engaged,how well is it going to go post marriage

yo58 · 17日前

Better that this happened now than after you got married and had 3 kids right?

jackofblades45 · 17日前

I think this isn't really a big issue but you waited too long to tell him, two years together and you somehow never have the "partners/ ex's" conversation? sounds like communication between you two was an issue.

bbobeckyj · 17日前

What was I meant to do, lie?

You were already lying! For 2 years! It's a bit late to talk about lying or not.

Pwnie · 17日前

If I see another /r/relationships post tonight where the OP receives literally hundreds of responses and doesn't reply to a single one, I'm going to tear my hair out! Is it just me, or does that seem rude? Drives me nuts.

PanaReddit · 18日前

This is something you do during the first month of serious relationship. NOT two years after. This is lying at it's best.

ScorpioN51 · 18日前

What was I meant to do, lie?

you are not entitled to him, you also waited too long to come clean. shouldnt have lied to him from the start.

ThatsATallGlassOfNo · 18日前

Well, you lied by omission. But, was he a virgin?

flatspotting · 18日前

Sounds like you have to suck it up. Lying by omission for 2 years on top of things your husband-to-be may never have accepted in the first place means this is a consequence of the actions. Learn, grow, and move on.

bluebonnetsgirl · 17日前

Why did you wait so long to tell him?

M0n5tr0 · 17日前

Your sexual history should be disclosed before any serious relationship starts happening. Getting to the point where marragie is even considered means he believes he knows all about you. If you didn't disclose that part then he made a decision without all the pertinent information needed when making such a huge step.

TMNT4ME · 18日前

You weren't honest. You lied to him for a long time by omission. Sounds like you only told him to relieve your own guilt and get your side if the story in first before your family or friends ratted you out. He left you because he has no idea who you are, if you lied about this part of your past what else have you lied about? You are angry and sad because you didn't get what YOU wanted. You can't get your cake and his too. What about him? He lost a fiancé and all that time because it turns out she isn't who she said she was. You're spoiled girl. Accept the consequences of your actions.

partypenguin36 · 18日前

You need to own up to the fact that you misled him. You keep deflecting responsibility throughout your post. He feels he was lied to for years. You need to own that and make sure you never let that happen again.

IDontFuckingThinkSo · 18日前

Actions have consequences. Life isn't always fair or what we want it to be. You can say the past doesn't have anything to do with the present, but we all know that that's not true.

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. You should let him go; attempting to reconcile will likely be very painful for both of you and probably won't work.

RealCheese1125 · 18日前

There are a lot of guys who wouldn't care at all but there are also lots of guys that this would come as a huge shock to especiallyy if he's thought one way for your entire relationship and now he learns that he was dead wrong. You did a great thing telling him, you sound like a great partner, but just try to understand how big of a shock this must be for him and do your best to be there for him and tell him none of that means anything to you. I'm sure he will come around if you are supportive enough.

RobotPartsCorp · 17日前

It might have been the conversation itself, but he also might have used that conversation as an opportunity to get out of a relationship he was having doubts about. It doesn't matter though. You two are not right for each other.

designgrl · 17日前

You obviously knew he thought that, and allowed it. That wasn't right, so I could see him needing some time.

houston_oilers · 17日前

Welp. Give it some time. He' ll probably come crawling back.

SoKillme · 17日前

This seems to come up on her often.

Here and here

guess the moral of the story is when you are dating a religious man make sure he knows your not a virgin.

TTBHoneyBear · 18日前

The thing is, he may have been lead to believe I'm a virgin..

Makes me think it's likely she told him she was a virgin. He may have been lead to believe that?? WTF does that even mean and how would that happen without you recognizing it. I mean, you've been together for 2 years so it seems likely this is something you hoped would just be swept under the rug.

That being said, I wouldn't stress it too much. Guys can be protective and territorial but what you did before you ever met him is definitely something he should and could get over. I would give it time and hope he'll come around. And if he doesn't, then lesson learned and on to the next.

MuckFodder · 18日前

I used to be very different when I was younger and that is all behind me now. I've put aside that part of my past, I'm a changed and different person now, and that past does not define me and it has nothing to do with who I am now.

While this is a great self-affirmation, it's not reality. You can say that to yourself to try to be a different person, but other people simply can't trust that.

As you well know, people will lie to get what they want. They will justify lies with all kinds of mental gymnastics. And you don't even have to lie to only present the side of you that you want people to know about. We all do this everyday: I am different at work than I am with my friends than I am with my parents.

The problem is that if you only present one facet to your spouse, you can hardly blame them if they don't like the rest of you. They are the one person, more than any other, who will see the most facets. Nobody would blame you for keeping this info from your employer, but your spouse is seen as deceptive because we require the highest level of intimacy from our spouse.

Maigraith · 18日前

You shouldn't have lied to him in the first place so it shouldn't be all that surprising that it went down this way. Did you think it would go over that well? You hid the fact that you weren't a virgin until after the two of you were engaged when it should of happened a long time ago. At this point, it's probably not even about you not being a virgin so much as his image of you, the you you portrayed, is not the truth. He's probably thinking he doesn't know the actual you because what else could you be hiding that you might in the future decide to tell him or not when it conveniences you?

ThrowAwayPleaseAway · 18日前

...you lied to him throughout the entire duration of the relationship, about something that you know is intrinsically important to him and who he is as a person...and you're surprised?

WOW.

yourbrotherrex · 18日前

He broke up with you for being a liar, and for allowing him to presume you to be something you're not, for 2 years.
How odd.

thehuncamunca · 18日前

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but your past is a part of you and a part of what makes you, you. If he can't accept your past, then he didn't really love you. Find someone who accepts everything about you and you know you've found someone who truly loves you.

iSoReddit · 18日前

Look at it this way, do you really want to be with someone who can't love you for who you are, warts and all? Time will prove this was a good move, even though you're obviously very unhappy now.

ShanaChanTT · 17日前

you probably should have been honest from the very start of your relationship. not years down the line. im sorry. tough break. Honesty is key at the start of a relationship. it dictates what the future holds. unfortunately for you its the end of one. but the start of possibly many to come.

RandomSurf1 · 18日前

Well done fiance.He was strong enough to call off the engagement this early.

Limberine · 18日前

So...for how long have you suspected that he thought you were a virgin? It's a little unclear from your post whether you have had sex together yet but if you haven't he's probably wondering why the hell you kept him waiting two years if you're not a virgin. Either way he's been blindsided and has had an emotional reaction to the news. You did so the right thing telling him though because if you hadn't he probably would have worked it out the first time you had sex and then you would be looking at being dumped by your new groom. :-(
Still, he might think about it and come back to you once he cools down. Or he might not.

heyowoah · 17日前

Men who value women for their virginity are completely worthless. Religion is not a justification for such sexist beliefs. Honestly, good riddance.

walk_through_this · 18日前

While that's a long time to keep something to yourself, OP, there's another side to this. If you honestly didn't have an open and frank conversation about your sexual histories for over two years, then your communication is actually really, really terrible, and you were heading to the altar with a lot of assumptions instead of information. I know it's hard to accept this now, but you dodged a bullet.

He helped create an environment in the relationship where you felt you couldn't open up to him. Yes, you should have told him sooner, but he also has to try to be someone you feel like you can open up to. Obviously, for a very long time you didn't feel that way. This is not a great sign for your relationship.

Finally, there's more to 'being religious' than simply being puritanical about someone's sexual history. There's also the 'forgiveness' part and the 'accepting someone as they are' part. What did he want you to do, get a time machine and go back and magically not have had sex? He had an opportunity to show you unconditional love and acceptance (you know, something like what Jesus would do) and instead, decided 'nope, I'm out.' I guarantee that he has skeletons in his past too. The fact that this was such a huge hang-up for him, especially in 2016, suggests that you are better off getting out of this relationship.

Yes, you should have told him sooner, and maybe that's on you. But in the bigger picture, it seems like this relationship would have made you both unhappy if it had continued.

molten_dragon · 18日前

There's not a lot you can do. Your not being a virgin was obviously a dealbreaker for him.

Take some time to get your head around it, move on, and find someone who isn't so petty about that kind of thing.

And maybe in the future don't wait until you're engaged to have that sort of discussion.

oh_boisterous · 18日前

It's weird that he just assumed you were a virgin...if something like that was so important to him, he should've initiated that conversation early on.

You dodged a bullet. Believe me, you do not want to be with someone so judgmental.

Offthepoint · 18日前

You don't want a man like this, OP. Really. The man for you will be someone who wants you.

Pawsntails · 18日前

'I wanted him to know the whole truth about my past before he commits to me'

Your right he should know the whole truth before he commits to you and it's his choice if he doesn't want to commit to you because of it. Your past is your business but you can't force your choices on others and in future I'd recommend being honest a lot sooner. I feel bad that it ended badly for you and maybe he'll change his mind once he realises what it's like to not have you there but you cant give someone a choice and then complain they chose an option you didn't find favourable. I do wish you good luck in the future though

winniebluestoo · 17日前

Well he can have good luck finding a 29 year old virgin to replace you, I'm sure there's plenty of them around /s You did the right thing OP, my money is that he wasn't 100% sure and this is his out. You'll be okay, absolutely.

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