上位 200 件のコメント表示する 500

[–]nocaptain11 1728ポイント1729ポイント  (42子コメント)

My aunt has a self playing piano in her dining room that is operated by remote control. She has it set so that it can play the theme song from Michael Myers at the touch of a button, and that's her plan for if someone breaks in late at night.

[–]MC2037 [スコア非表示]  (11子コメント)

Unless the intruder is a knife wielding serial killer then he probably think "finally a victim that gets me"

[–]tomthefnkid [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

It'll either work wonders, or be the soundtrack playing as she's murdered brutally..

[–]nilikon 1727ポイント1728ポイント  (212子コメント)

I keep a fire extinguisher by my bed. Not only is it useful for a small fire, but it is an effective ranged and melee weapon. If someone makes it past the dogs to my bedroom door, they get a face/lung full of chemical foam. Then I bash them with the metal canister. In theory, it works.

[–]gustavholland 557ポイント558ポイント  (153子コメント)

In real life as well, and very effective at that. I used one against soccer hooligans with great succes.

[–]sovietsrule 498ポイント499ポイント  (138子コメント)

What dystopian world do you live in where you have to deal with soccer hooligans?!

[–]blueback22 399ポイント400ポイント  (83子コメント)

Probably the UK.

[–]FanOrWhatever 509ポイント510ポイント  (78子コメント)

Nobody in the UK would ever call it soccer.

[–]Foon19 [スコア非表示]  (5子コメント)

My northern Irish cousins and all their friends call it soccer. Football for them is gaelic. So there are at least some.

[–]yatsey [スコア非表示]  (5子コメント)

I'm so confused, I though you might be in Britain due to the presence of hooligans, but then you use 'soccer' instead of football. I don't know what to think anymore.

[–]Engineer9 57ポイント58ポイント  (4子コメント)

Best idea on here. I would struggle shooting or stabbing anyone but foam and blunt force? I could do that.

[–]Grumple_Stan 546ポイント547ポイント  (42子コメント)

A friend made me one of these

Thankfully, I've not yet needed to use it.

[–]allora_fair [スコア非表示]  (8子コメント)

That is amazing

[–]lifehelpthrowaway305 [スコア非表示]  (5子コメント)

can you fucking imagine a criminal breaking into your house, comes at you with a knife, and you literally appear with a SHIELD? Like wtf goes through their mind?

[–]Subtly_Sexual_Socks [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Holy crap this is going to be my next project!

...might change the handles a little and make the club a bit thicker...maybe some grip tape...

[–]Grumple_Stan [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Let me share my personal experience:

Use two pins on the top of the bat to secure it to the table, three is better. One (original design) just makes a spinny table that likes to fling stuff off of itself at the slightest bump.

Also, make the arm straps to fit your arm, not to look 'even' when hanging down. The first mod I did to the table was to replace the hand-strap with a much smaller oversized cabinet handle.

Lastly, weigh down the base better or the support pin can get 'stuck' inside the pinhole from friction when you pull the bat off of it.

[–]superm8n [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

That is cool! What is that called? Does he make it in aluminum?

[–]Grumple_Stan [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Zombie defense table (lol!)

No, just wood, and it isn't a standard thing. He just made three of them for his friends a few years back.

I posted a DIY instructible link elsewhere in this thread.

[–]xX420_CUNT_420Xx 3321ポイント3322ポイント  (82子コメント)

well, I'm from Finland so naturally I keep a hydrolic press next to the bed just in case any home invaders need to be dealt with.

[–]pyrolovesmoney [スコア非表示]  (29子コメント)

"Vot de fuck!? The thief, he some kind of exploded"

[–]stayintheshadows [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

That's good because they might a tac at any time.

[–]ec2005 1635ポイント1636ポイント  (816子コメント)

Hmm... in this forum, i have seen a katana, fists and a bat. No one from Texas, I see...

[–]partialcremation 1058ポイント1059ポイント  (387子コメント)

Texan reporting in. Multiple firearms nearby. 9mm and .38 special easily accessible.

[–]CroonKapelle 1163ポイント1164ポイント  (106子コメント)

Tennessee here, I've got a guitar and a killer song

[–]D3adkl0wn 565ポイント566ポイント  (73子コメント)

Bards don't do so well in real life.

[–]CensoryDeprivation 346ポイント347ポイント  (24子コメント)

You need to allocate your skill points better.

[–]runtheplacered [スコア非表示]  (21子コメント)

I just put everything into luck and hope for the best.

[–]JuhBuhGu [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

Man, you'll get crushed in a dungeon.

[–]Hiddenshadows57 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

"You enter the dungeon. For some reason the dungeon is empty of monsters and full of treasure. You find a boss at the end. For some reason he has low damage and low max hp. You kill him easily. He drops Rainbow."

Must be your lucky day

[–]aytoms29 215ポイント216ポイント  (52子コメント)

Full blooded Australian here. Got my bare hands always at an arms length beside me. If that fails I can always pull in with my pet crocodiles.

[–]arghhmonsters 99ポイント100ポイント  (30子コメント)

I got a vb box out the front that i throw thongs in, people know we're too poor and bogan to rob.

[–]Rugged_as_fuck [スコア非表示]  (23子コメント)

What language is this?

[–]rangemaster [スコア非表示]  (15子コメント)

Let me attempt. I know rudimentary 'Strayan.

I got a vb box [Cheap Aussie beer] out the front that i throw thongs [Sandals] in, people know we're too poor and bogan [Akin to redneck] to rob

[–]TheGrizzReaper 150ポイント151ポイント  (98子コメント)

Nevadan, I have a .45 a .357, and a 9mm nearby

[–]PMmeYourSins 547ポイント548ポイント  (69子コメント)

European, I have a pair of scissors.

[–]callecalzone 467ポイント468ポイント  (23子コメント)

*safety scissors

[–]CuriousHumanMind 222ポイント223ポイント  (20子コメント)

*safety play doh scissors under 2 inches and you have to have a reason for carrying it

[–]sooperdooperboi 66ポイント67ポイント  (12子コメント)

Sir, I'm gonna need to see a permit for that.

[–]CuriousHumanMind 75ポイント76ポイント  (9子コメント)

Needs a permit for permit to even carry a permit

[–]FastSloth6 12ポイント13ポイント  (3子コメント)

We will need to see documentation that you have completed the necessary testing and training hours for the original permit which subsequent permits require in order to be validated. You do have your permit signifying that you were allowed to undergo such testing, right?

[–]HeroAntagonist 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

Got mine from a Christmas cracker!

[–]Softboys 45ポイント46ポイント  (47子コメント)

Why two? And I'm not asking politically :)

It seems that when you've got less than 2-3 seconds to respond (effectively) - which is what most of the numbers say -- the presence of two would require a choice, which could easily go beyond 3 seconds. Hell, it takes me 10 seconds to choose my Pabst, and that's all I ever drink.

[–]partialcremation 47ポイント48ポイント  (36子コメント)

Honestly, my late husband organized the placement of our firearms. The .38 has always been my easily accessible firearm, but someone recently suggested I use the 9mm because of the capacity to hold more ammo in the event it's needed.

[–]Eternal_Rabbit 174ポイント175ポイント  (193子コメント)

Another Texan checking in, Taurus 40 is tucked away in a hidden compartment in my master bedroom, I also have a little league aluminum bat by the door, and a Beretta modified 12 gauge is under my bed.

[–]bsinger_calmeBrian 19ポイント20ポイント  (3子コメント)

Marlin lever action in .44SPL. Yep, you guessed it: from Texas.

[–]Minigirl17 623ポイント624ポイント  (43子コメント)

I have a wooden sword that came from the gift shop of a castle I went to when I was 8. I think it would confuse attackers more than harm them.

EDIT : Due to popular demand, I have attached a photo of the sword. This isn't it exactly but it's the best I can do until I get home: http://imgur.com/aDJ0vzl - RIP my enemies.

[–]Despondent_in_WI 351ポイント352ポイント  (24子コメント)

I too have a wooden sword next to my bed, but it's mostly for getting the light switch once I'm already laying down. Might also confuse attackers, but I think the 6'4" barely-clothed screaming-like-a-demon me might do that a bit better.

[–]round42 185ポイント186ポイント  (9子コメント)

Any weapon's terrifying when brandished by a screaming, naked giant. You're good.

[–]Nosameel 2545ポイント2546ポイント  (83子コメント)

These fucking guns! Flexes

[–]PM_TITS_FOR_A_POEM 667ポイント668ポイント  (37子コメント)

I worry not in nightly dreams,
There's nought to raise my hair -
No haunted teens, no demon's screams;
I simply cannot scare.

But then one night, before the dawn,
I heard a voice within.
My mighty, meaty guns were drawn,
But his had lead, not skin.

[–]M00SK 76ポイント77ポイント  (17子コメント)

Awesome, i didn't even have to send you my tits.

[–]kinghammer1 50ポイント51ポイント  (0子コメント)

You still have to send them, it works on the honor system.

[–]PM_TITS_FOR_A_POEM 198ポイント199ポイント  (13子コメント)

The sun, in truth, may some day cease,
Upon its vital arc.
It may possess a new caprice,
To leave the heavens stark.

It has no need to fall each eve,
Or dawn, with light, beset.
From you I did, no tits, receive,
But there's still time to yet.

[–]DuckWithBrokenWings 953ポイント954ポイント  (29子コメント)

I trust my morning breath will keep any attacker away from me.

[–]MisterJack00 110ポイント111ポイント  (2子コメント)

A Didgeridoo. To hit hard and call the Gondor!

[–]envirodale 1487ポイント1488ポイント  (80子コメント)

A hardback copy of Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix. It's quite big, so might deal small hp damage.

[–]dogfriend 538ポイント539ポイント  (39子コメント)

My wife and I both have Glock 19's, and there are two Rottweilers. The cat will bite your toes if you're barefoot as well, by the way.

[–]DIDNT_READ_YOUR_SHIT 497ポイント498ポイント  (11子コメント)

A horse mask, and some sandpaper. They're in for a very not-smooth ride. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Edit: progressively increasing grit sizes

[–]Bryce29 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

TIL if you're going to rob anyone, make sure they're redditors. It's going to be easy

[–]Posivius 754ポイント755ポイント  (82子コメント)

I'm Canadian so it's hard to get guns or other weapons, so I just have a trained beaver sleep next to me. I call him Bitey.

[–]barto5 818ポイント819ポイント  (25子コメント)

I just have a trained beaver sleep next to me. I call him Bitey.

I call the trained beaver that sleeps next to me Wifey.

[–]mountainroad[🍰] 68ポイント69ポイント  (15子コメント)

Its not hard to get firearms here at all. I keep a Valtro PM-5 handy. Its stored in such a way as to be legal/compliant but i can acces it in a heartbeat. Since its magazine fed i dont need to store it loaded (illegaly) for it to be immediately useful.

[–]Jean_Claude93 78ポイント79ポイント  (4子コメント)

A glass of water and some pocket change.

Hydrate the intruder and tip him on the way out.

[–]Somefive 1087ポイント1088ポイント  (98子コメント)

No. If they break into my house, I'm not the one stuck in the house with them.

They're stuck in the house with me.

[–]OneGeekTravelling 505ポイント506ポイント  (68子コメント)

But the end result is the same? You pissing yourself while they steal all your stuff?

[–]Somefive 230ポイント231ポイント  (66子コメント)

Honestly? Probably not.

I'm in Canada, so small arms are uncommon, and theft is extremely rare in my neighbourhood.

We have had exactly 100 counts of breaking and entering, ~90 of which were at the college nearby.

And even if they choose my house out of all the other ones, they'll set off the alarm, and that's not accounting for the trouble going to my house and trying to steal my stuff.

Then, if they really want to fight me, they'll be risking some serious jail time while the police are closing in (it's less than a 5 minute drive to the nearest police station).

Then, they'll have a hell of a time making a getaway, considering there's a grand total of two exits in my neighbourhood (3 if you count by foot, but do you really think robbers want to try running away with a television?).

[–]paulwhite959 24ポイント25ポイント  (7子コメント)

You know, my office is literally 2 blocks from the police station in town.

It's taken them up to half an hour to respond to a call at our office.

[–]ascaffo 143ポイント144ポイント  (13子コメント)

My vodka bottle.

[–]JustAFilthyMark 22ポイント23ポイント  (4子コメント)

In soviet Russia...

[–]Rafaelow 39ポイント40ポイント  (0子コメント)

vodka bottle downs you!

[–]The_Captain_Chunk [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

In Russia home intruders also carry empty vodka bottles. The art of vodka fighting is an ancient and respected Russian tradition, the winner becomes he new home owner.

[–]Therealmemeshady 36ポイント37ポイント  (6子コメント)

you've given me inspiration for how to use vodka bottles I can't throw out

[–]insainyack 208ポイント209ポイント  (13子コメント)

I have a Trojan Stimulation Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Premium Latex Condom... For protection

[–]DannyRiot 55ポイント56ポイント  (5子コメント)

On my chest of draws next to my bed, I have a collection of Yankee candles that I'm not afraid to use! I'm going to give that bastard a lovely smelling concussion.

[–]jenOHside 141ポイント142ポイント  (23子コメント)

On our first date, I was bent over the headboard in my boyfriend's room, and I spotted the gleaming head of a heavy recoiless hammer.

I casually brought it up later, wondering if I should have come home with this stranger or not, and he just shrugged and said "zombie apocalypse. That's to blow out the window and escape."

[–]GoshItDisturbsMe 25ポイント26ポイント  (4子コメント)

Well thanks to years of taking the Gaston egg eating diet, I have biceps to spare and am roughly the size of a barge! And if we get into a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston!

[–]csoup1414 70ポイント71ポイント  (20子コメント)

I got my husband a metal key blade for our wedding anniversary (we aren't the coolest couple) and it's hanging on the wall...he always says it's the first thing he's going for because of the weight.

[–]immski 31ポイント32ポイント  (8子コメント)

A what?

[–]Bronzycosine 72ポイント73ポイント  (2子コメント)

It's from the video game kingdom hearts. Figured I'd give you a real answer before everyone says a bunch of random shit and confuses you.

[–]Icantellthetruth 26ポイント27ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you got your husband a Key blade then I would say you guys are the coolest couple.

[–]OneGeekTravelling 80ポイント81ポイント  (9子コメント)

I have a good security door and some very nice locks.

If they get through that, then they're sophisticated and determined and I'm likely fucked whatever weapons I have =/

[–]Thenfreewill 10ポイント11ポイント  (6子コメント)

A one hundred and forty pound great Dane lab. With an attack command

[–]theflyingjib 67ポイント68ポイント  (24子コメント)

Canadian here. No weapon, and my door is unlocked.

[–]rabbitburger [スコア非表示]  (6子コメント)

Canadian here. When I was 14, someone broke into my neighbour's yard and knocked over their barbecue.

[–]iamthejohnsmith [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

Norwegian here. A few years ago some drunkards stole my friend's dad's slippers. The local newspaper made it a front page story. Then the national newspaper picked it up, and made fun of it.

[–]popejubal [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

That only works because moose can't figure out door handles.

[–]CrashDunning 9ポイント10ポイント  (1子コメント)

I have a blacksmith forged replica of the Master Sword that I have hanging on the wall. I hope to recreate the ending of Ocarina of Time if someone breaks in.

[–]FreedomEagle76 7ポイント8ポイント  (1子コメント)

I want to have a shotgun by the side of the bed. However due to UK law that has to be locked up and there is a chance of me going to prison if i use it for self defense.

[–]biforcate 99ポイント100ポイント  (26子コメント)

http://i.imgur.com/ZMvYKV7.jpg

'Murica 10.5" AR-15 with AAC suppressor loaded with 55gr TSX Comped Glock 17 loaded with 147gr +p HST

[–]stellarguymk 15ポイント16ポイント  (5子コメント)

I'd almost forgotten about it until I saw this. I have a homemade mace. Its handle is made of a piece of rubber hose, it's reinforced inside by two steel rods. At the head of the mace, I stuck about ten nails through the hose at different angles. It's all wrapped up by electric tape, it looks like a giant, very dangerous, black dildo.

[–]oBUSo_B1gT3x 44ポイント45ポイント  (8子コメント)

Texan - I keep a 9mm Ruger P95 next to my bed. AK47 is pretty close to me along with a tactical Mossberg 500.

You know....in case world war 3 decides to come through my door.

[–]bubbadarkness 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Two ruthless golden retrievers, also an xds .45 acp on the nightstand, and an ar-15 under the bed.

[–]ISwedishCarl 27ポイント28ポイント  (7子コメント)

Not a Gun per-say, but I have a huge fucking dildo by my bed. No one wants to rob a guy who's running at them screaming while swinging a dildo.

[–]HighOnGoofballs 59ポイント60ポイント  (35子コメント)

Shotgun in the corner. Shells are in the nightstand, the noise or the dogs will give me enough warning, and my hallway is basically a nice long shooting alley.

Bullets go through walls and may hit the wrong person, less likely with a shotgun.

[–]maaksel 18ポイント19ポイント  (13子コメント)

They have some nice defensive shells to minimize that. Shoot disks that expand quicky on impact, less likely for multiple wall penetration.

[–]keepinithamsta 31ポイント32ポイント  (3子コメント)

M&P pro 40 with Apex FSS and trigger along with an a Daniel Defense 14.5" AR-15.