Listen up, dummies! I’m here to tell you how to live your life and stop being pathetic loosers! I’m going to assume that you’re already lifting, using dread game, and mastering the shit-eating grin. If you aren’t, fuck off and take your tutus with you. I don’t have time for noobs and wannabees, because we’re talking Kitchen Game.

This is the first and most basic lesson of Kitchen Game (KG): The PBJ, BSYJWAFS!

Sometimes you need quick, muscle-building nutrition, but you don’t have the equipment for a steak and kale smoothie and your pill bottles are in your other Porsche. That’s when you just want a fucking sandwich:

THEORY: Ingredients

Bread: stoneground grain or sourdough ONLY! Take your fucking brioche and stuff it up your ass, because you’re a pussy mangina who would probably enjoy it. Bread is your fucking FRAME, so the keywords are dry, hard, and sour. REMEMBER THIS!

Peanut butter: you’re already making your own so I won’t waste your time talking about brands. I like to make mine in a two-gallon mortar, but you can use a blender if you don’t want to strain your tiny arms. Peanut Butter is basically LEGUME MEAT so no moderation is necessary.

Jam: This is tricky, because jam is a feminine element. Fruits are basically a plant ovaries, so don’t overdo that shit. For every tablespoon of peanut butter, add one half-teaspoon of jam. Use your masculine spatial skills to measure; standard measuring tools are CRUTCHES and the sooner you learn to do without them, the better.

As for jam, you can make do with store bought as it is feminine and therefore unimportant. Personally, I like to get mine from an older married plate whose husband has several orchards. Every time I fuck her, she gives me a jar of jam.

BODY: Method

You’ve probably made sandwiches before, but your technique sucks or you wouldn’t be here. Here’s the right way to lift your INGREDIENTS into a coherent hole.

1. Put one slice of bread on whatever you eat off of. I use cedar planks because they WORK for me. This is the beginning of your FRAME.
2. Add a thick layer of peanut butter to the TOP side of the bread. LEGUME MEAT is masculine essence, so don’t be stingy.
3. Add a very thin layer of jam to the top of this.
4. Add another thick layer of peanut butter on top of the jam. Mix the two masculine layers (LEGUME MEAT) so that the feminine layer (JAM) is barely noticeable.
5. Complete your frame with another slice of BREAD.
6. DEVOUR!

CONCLUSION: This is the first lesson of of Kitchen Game. If you want the other fifty lessons, buy my books for a lousy $50, which even you pussies should be able to afford. I accept PayPal.