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How do I get over male guilt? (self.AskWomenOver30)

part666666 が 投稿

I grew up with Aspergers. In not knowing better, I did and said things that were harassing to lots of girls in my preteens. Once I realized that, I clammed up to the other extreme. Now Im so stiff anxious and shy around women.

My father was misogynistic. Men in my family wrre abusers. My ex girlfriend (great person) told me horror stories about previous guys who abused her. Also I have OCD. Alll this culmimated into me being ashamed of being a man and wanting an intimatr relationship with a woman.

Im afraid of being too forward. I resent not being forward enough. I feel like a horndog if I think about casual sex. I feel worthless for my 99.99% rejection rate online dating but Id feel instrusive if I just start talking to random women in my school campus. Im attracted to most women (looks arent much of an issue to me) and as a result I feel like one of those "these men will have sex with anything that moves" guy. But if I raise my standards I feel like Id be contributing to the misogynistic body image demands of society.

Do you have any advice for me as to how I can still be a stud and get dates while not being one of those bad men? At the end of the day I only want to do good.

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[–]MonsieurJongleur30 - 35 15ポイント16ポイント  (5子コメント)

Oh, honey. You need to sort this out in therapy. You can figure it out on your own, but it will take you a lot longer because you'll have to develop some confidence in your own judgment first. Since you already have an OCD diagnosis, you probably already have access to a cognitive behavioral therapist. Or at least book an appointment through campus mental health services.

[–]part666666[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (3子コメント)

Already have a therapist. Im ginna bring it up next week.

I was looking for user advice in the meantime of how I can show women Im interested in them without being sleazy

[–]missmisfit 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

Talk to women the same way you talk to men. As close to the same exact way as possible.

And definitely work on this with your therapist.

[–]MuppetManiac30 - 35 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you treat women like real people and remember that they have ideas and desires and that what they want is just as important as what you want, you'll be ok. Think about why you might want to date a specific person - they're pretty and they are fun to be around. Maybe they're funny or smart. Girls want the same sorts of things. They want to date a guy they think is handsome and fun to be around. That has similar beliefs and is interesting. If you are that guy, some girl will want to date you.

And remember that girls want sex every bit as much as you do. All people, male and female have sex drives. But all people get to decide when and where and with whom. All people get a veto to any of those things.

[–]MonsieurJongleur30 - 35 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you are this self aware, you probably aren't sleezy. If your batting average is low, it's most likely because it's a tough game.

[–]MonsieurJongleur30 - 35 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

One of the reasons why this will be hard to sort out on your own is that there's no objective standard of behavior that won't piss someone off. You already alluded to the way that 'if you don't care what someone looks like, you're a horn dog, but if you raise your standards you reinforce patriarchal value norms' (at least according to someone, somewhere).

Under this framework, someone is always going to be able to make you feel bad until you gain enough self esteem to frame your choices as being defensible and the right ones for you, and you won't be able to do that until you can satisfy yourself that you aren't an abuser and get out from under your free-floating guilt.

In other words, you need a guide through these choppy waters, and therapy is that guide.

[–]StopThePresses20 - 26 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

We're all people, man. Stop looking at women as another species and just talk to us like you would a man. 90% of women will be receptive to that. The other 10% just don't feel like talking, but still won't judge you for saying hello.

[–]addtothebeauty30 - 35 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think this will improve if you stop trying to date or interact with women for the primary goal of feeling their bodies. Plan to not date for a while. Interact with each woman (and everyone) with the conviction that she is your equal and a friendly, platonic exchange is all you are hoping for. Keep going to therapy.

[–]Spoonbills 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Encounter each woman as an individual. It's OK to respond to things you like in women. Just don't act like everyone of them is an interchangeable target.

You've internalized guilt for everything every man has done wrong ever. While it's good of you to be aware of how women experience the sexual advances of men generally, you're only responsible for your own behavior.

Having platonic women friends can be a great way to learn from women about their experiences. And it puts you in the path to meet romantic prospects through them.

[–]majortomsajunkie40 - 45 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

This kinda stuck out to me:

Im attracted to most women (looks arent much of an issue to me) and as a result I feel like one of those "these men will have sex with anything that moves" guy. But if I raise my standards I feel like Id be contributing to the misogynistic body image demands of society.

So looks aren't much of an issue to you but raising your standards would contribute to misogynistic body image demands of society. Sounds to me like you're only considering "raising" your standards based on looks. I shouldn't have to point out that women are more than our looks, same as men.

It's fine to not care much about looks, but you should care about something. We're not interchangeable, and if you are looking for more than casual sex, it might be worth thinking about what you do value in a woman. Do you want someone ambitious, laid back, intellectual, creative, nurturing, fiercely independent, extraverted, shy, assertive? We can be any of those things and more.

[–]part666666[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Personality is #1 for me. Loving, caring, cuddly, high energy, intelligent, creative, unique/quirky. I don't have sex with anyone unless I feel like I can have an intimate bond with them on a personal emotional level - not just a physical one.

I care about looks a little ibt, but not as much as probably most people. I date women of all different ages, races and sizes. As long as they smell good, have a nice haircut, beautiful eyes to gaze into and a great smile.

[–]CalicoFox 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm going to second the advice that you should seek therapy for this. It's one thing for us to tell you that having sexual attraction to women is completely normal and doesn't make you sleazy in-of-itself, but it's another to hear it from a therapist who can walk you through the mires of your misconceptions, fears, and untangle and resolve issues that have yet to be resolved.

What you need is a guide. You are the traveler on your journey, and the therapist (if he or she is good) is your guide.

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