jump to content
my subreddits
more »
want to join? sign in or create an account in seconds|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
131 points (86% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

relationshipsRelationships

subscribeunsubscribe289,883 readers
3,121 users here now
Filter Posts :
Or, Message The Moderators for all other information.

/r/Relationships is a subreddit for asking specific questions about any aspect related to your relationship.
Post anything that is relevant to your current relationship that you want to discuss.

Rules for posting to /r/Relationships

  • This sub is about helping people in need - Whether through abuse, meta arguments, or pointless tangents, if you are not providing such help, your comments may be removed. Please report comments that you feel are in violation of these guidelines to keep discussions constructive.
  • Ages, genders and relationship length required!
  • Spelling, grammar, and readability count!
  • Put TL;DR! - a brief summary at the end of your post. No "See title".
  • Make your title relevant! No one reads posts with boring, generic titles.
  • No gift requests, polls, or general questions
  • No photos, links, or videos
  • Please don't feed the trolls. Use the report button instead!
  • Do not repost removed material It was removed for a reason.
  • Locked Posts: Please see the FAQ
  • Crossposting other people's material will result in an instaban.
  • Most importantly, abuse, bigotry, misogyny, misandry and encouraging violence are not tolerated in our community and could result in a ban. We ask for basic respect for everyone here. Warnings are not given! Don't be rude.
  • Assign proper flair!
    • Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships (over 1 month).
    • Infidelity -issues of suspected or actual cheating.
    • Breakups -break-ups and any issues with your exes.
    • Dating -new people in your life, crushes, unclear relationships, or things shorter than 1 month.
    • Updates -updates, please put "UPDATE" in the title and a link to your previous post. Original post cannot be on the front page and the update should be about the solution.
    • Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems.
    • Non-Romantic -issues with family, friends, or coworkers.
Posts or comments that do not follow these requirements are subject to removal or locking.
Don't take it personally, we are trying to keep this forum as constructive, concise, and usable as possible.

☰ Related subreddits

a community for
No problem. We won't show you that ad again. Why didn't you like it?
Oops! I didn't mean to do this.
Use the FAQ link at top to familiarize yourself about community. Please review the posting guidelines in the sidebar at right before submitting.
▲
130
131
132
▼
submitted by husbandhatesme
TL;DR - My husband [M34] of 2 years found out some of my [F31] sexual exploits in college. He has barely talked to me since he found out, and I'm afraid our relationship might be finished over something I did 10 years ago before I even knew him.
I'll try and keep this short. We've known each other 5 years, been married for 2 years, and up until last weekend things were perfectly fine. Maybe once in a while we'd bicker about money or something, but 99% of the time we were happy together.
While out last weekend for a friends birthday, a (now ex) friend of mine told my husband about a relationship I had in college. My husband knew about my college boyfriend, but obviously I didn't share intimate details about our sex life. Well... it came out that I used to engage in threesomes with him and his male roommate. Probably 12-15 in total, but all my husband knows is that it was 'more than once'.
College was a totally different time in my life. I was drinking every weekend, doing recreational drugs every month, partying, having casual flings - just like everyone else at that age. It was a hedonistic "live for today" lifestyle that I thankfully grew out of. I look back on those years with a lot of regrets, and not just about my sex life. I mean, it was 10+ years ago. I'm a totally different person now.
Regardless, I know my husband sees me in a totally different light. He hasn't slept in our bed since he found out, and he's barely spoken to me all week. I'm so scared he'll divorce me, I'm walking on eggshells just trying to stay out of his way while he works through this. I really want to sit him down and clear the air, I just don't know where to begin... I feel like one slip of the tongue and our relationship could be completely over.
I know I'm not a good person for keeping this from him, so please don't lecture me. It was a chapter of my life I'd thought I'd closed for good. It was my ONE secret, and I honestly debated telling him about it but came to the conclusion that no positive outcome could come from it.
top 200 commentsshow 500
▲
▼
[–]ihateeveryoneonthisp 27 points28 points29 points  (7 children)
Is he upset about what he found out, or how he found out?
If he found out as it was being discussed by everyone around him, it's understandable that he's upset. How were the people who mentioned it talking about you?
▲
▼
[–]husbandhatesme[S] 10 points11 points12 points  (6 children)
It was just him and my (ex) friend talking amongst themselves. How it came up in conversation, I can't imagine.
▲
▼
[–]ihateeveryoneonthisp 30 points31 points32 points  (2 children)
The very first thing you need to find out is how your husband was told. Your friend could have said "Oh yeah, I remember that time OP had the threesome with 'ex' after whateverevent!" or "OP was always having threesomes with ex and all his friends. She'd bang anyone back then. I never thought anyone would want her". How he was told will make all the difference, and you need to tell him the complete truth to make sure that he wasn't told any lies, because someone who thinks it's okay to tell someone's husband sex stories from over a decade ago is more than capable of lying about it too.
▲
▼
[–]only_one_contact 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I once caught a then-boyfriend talking about me in the second fashion.
That's how he became an ex.
▲
▼
[–]tif2shuz 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
This is a good point
▲
▼
[–]0xdeadf001 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
I'd say that a huge part of this is how he learned it, as well as the fact that other people knew about this long before he did. So now he looks like a chump, like he didn't know what he was getting into, but everyone else did. It has a lot to do with social status and perception, not just the sex.
If he had known this long ago, then he could have owned that situation that just happened. He could have responded with "I know, right? She was crazy, we all got a bit crazy, right? Ha ha!" But instead, your extremely cruel friend did this precisely to fuck with him and make him miserable.
Op, what you did in college is no big deal. But your husband just got an extremely nasty surprise, and it's on you to fix that. Don't act ashamed for what you did (in college), because doing that will feed directly into what your shitty friend wanted. Own up to it, and apologize for not telling him earlier. Then give him some time to get over the shock. It can be really hard to overcome those immediate and intense emotions, so you'll need to be patient.
▲
▼
[–]xblindguardianx 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Out of curiosity, is your friend that told him a male or female?
▲
▼
[–]skrabbles 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
If I was in his position, I definitely would have wanted to hear about it from you. It's an awkward situation because I don't think you had an obligation to tell him, but hearing it from your friend would make me extremely uncomfortable.
I seem to be one of the few who sympathises with both you and your husbands situations. I would need a long time to process this. Also, your ex-friend is a scumbag.
▲
▼
[–]fire_ready 180 points181 points182 points  (72 children)
"I'm sorry you're upset about this. I'm sorry you're hurting. Yes, I did these things when I was young. I wouldn't again. Those actions are no longer an accurate reflection of who I am. Please help me understand your feelings about all this so we can move past it together. I love you."
▲
▼
[–]Tychussc 90 points91 points92 points  (4 children)
I think the biggest issue for him is finding this out through someone else and not her.
▲
▼
[–]johnsonfrusciante 42 points43 points44 points  (1 child)
I think the biggest issue is him finding out his wife would have three ways with her boyfriend and her boyfriend's male friend back in college, regardless of who he found it out from.
You're a different person now, that's the most important thing to convey. I think your husband is scared because he might think that no one can change THAT drastically. Casual sex and recreational drugs is normal in college, but 3 ways with an exclusive boyfriend and his guy friend is not, so whether right or wrong, he's probably doubting himself or feels duped, so it's up to you to calmly help comfort him and let him understand why you did that back in college and how much you love your husband and would never do anything to hurt him, and you'll do whatever you can to let the past stay in the past and continue to live a long and happy marriage together, and that you're the woman that he knows and loves and married, and haven't changed at all before or after he found out.
▲
▼
[–]midwestwatcher 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
I think your husband is scared because he might think that no one can change THAT drastically.
You know, I was posting trying to agree with the person you were replying to, but that is a good point too. I have seen some people struggle with this idea. That said, I still think she could have gotten ahead of this and not let him find out from someone else. This sub often advises people to keep secrets 'if it won't benefit anyone for the truth to come out'. There's always a benefit: you told them and built your trust!
▲
▼
[–]Tacsol5 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
And that its never going to happen for him because she's not as cool as she used to be.
▲
▼
[–]husbandhatesme[S] 46 points47 points48 points  (64 children)
This is basically what I said the night he found out. All he said to me was "I can't even look at you right now - you repulse me".
:(
▲
▼
[–]pusheen_the_cat 214 points215 points216 points  (16 children)
That's a really mean and needless thing to say. Even if he felt it. It's unfair and lashing out and hurtin you so he feels better about him hurting himself.
Stop acting like you are guilty of something. Stop tippy toeing around him. If he is so foolish to leave his WIFE for something that happened years before you guys met which wasn't his business anyways, then you are better off without him. He most likely won't because that would be a ridiculous overreaction to something which is not relevant to your lives.
You need to talk to him and you need to talk to him like his equal, and of equal worth. Tell him you understand he has trouble with knowing this, and has trouble with dealing with it, but that you are not a bad person and he needs to either fix it or maybe consider going to solo counseling because this issue is his, not yours.
▲
▼
[–]Shaquintosh 77 points78 points79 points  (2 children)
Stop acting like you are guilty of something. Stop tippy toeing around him. If he is so foolish to leave his WIFE for something that happened years before you guys met which wasn't his business anyways, then you are better off without him.
Second.
▲
▼
[–]mathuex08 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
And third!
▲
▼
[–]GraphicDesignMonkey 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
AND MY AXE!
Sorry, Fourth.
▲
▼
[–]danooli 53 points54 points55 points  (0 children)
Abso-fucking-lutely. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong OP.
▲
▼
[–]krokenlochen 25 points26 points27 points  (2 children)
Seriously. Who doesn't fuck around in college, if not at least a little? It happened probably before OP's husband was even a minute factor in her life, and now he thinks it has everything to do with them. Unless he's a stuck up nut, why give a shit about someone's past if they've clearly changed and learned from their mistakes?
▲
▼
[–]troawayman2 14 points15 points16 points  (0 children)
Us ugly people.
▲
▼
[–]pusheen_the_cat 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
I did 't and I still don't care if somebody else did. She didn't do anything that somehow changes who she is as a person. Even if it is possible for some to get upset about it, it's immature to lash out at your loved one and tell them you find them disgusting. Did nobody learn kindergarden level manners anymore? If you can't say something nice stfu.
▲
▼
[–]BunchOAtoms 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I think if OP comes at it from an angle of indignation, like you are suggesting, it is only going to further drive the wedge between them.
▲
▼
[–]danlowlite 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It is a mean and needless thing to say. It withers your self confidence and makes even trying to be close to the other person so hard. It takes you away from even thinking you are an equal.
It's a terrible position for OP. And her husband, too, because he's edging into abusive language because he's angry about things that happened a decade ago. Even if he ends up moving on, those memories of what he said to her are going to stick around. Forever.
But I may be projecting.
▲
▼
[–]0xdeadf001 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It is mean, but he's allowed it, given the circumstances. Give him time to get over the shock before you start lecturing him on etiquette.
▲
▼
[–]Spectrum2081 -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Amen.
▲
▼
[–]polarpolarpolar -6 points-5 points-4 points  (3 children)
You are guilty of not telling him about these things. You're not guilty for just doing them. He didn't know all of you, this is something some guys aren't comfortable with, and he needs time to rationalize and see that he can get over it. His ego needs mending to show you didn't just have all the wild, debauched, fun times in college and then settled on boring him cause he was stable and nice.
▲
▼
[–]pusheen_the_cat 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
I'm sorry did you give a full and extensive report on previous sexual activities, including frequency, type, position, age, contraception used and size to everyone you ever dated?
You don't need to talk or know about these things. Most people don't. If you are invested in knowing you can ask. And they can answer if they feel like it sonce nobody is entitled to details of your previous intimate relationships. Sounds like they didn't talk about it.
His ego needs mending to show you didn't just have all the wild, debauched, fun times in college and then settled on boring him cause he was stable and nice.
Umm I am not OP. And what a sad, insecure bullshit that idea is. How did she do anyhing that he didn't? Meaning date other people, be stupid in college, try stuff to see if you like it and you are curious about, learn your limits, do shitton of relationship mistakes in superficial relationships before one of those relationship turns out to have a future, which happens.
You think women decide what kind of shit ride they will go on when they just meet a guy? Nobody, man or woman, know if a date will end in a dud, a stalker or a life long partner. We all play the dating game and if you want a marriage you play it until both you and the guy fit and both you and the guy are mature enough for one.
And for that matter, he is suppose to be boring and stable and nice? He seems pretty interestingly insecure and not nice when he talks shit to her and instable in his feelings.
▲
▼
[–]BunchOAtoms 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You should take your foot off the gas a bit here. I don't think it's fair to completely disregard her husband's feelings as you have done. Whether YOU think he's justified in his feelings or not, he is upset. As you can see from the other comments in this thread, there are mixed feelings about whether he is rightfully upset or not, meaning it's not unreasonable for him to be distraught, whether YOU feel it's justified or not. What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. Making this an adversarial conversation between OP and her husband isn't going to do anyone any favors.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I'm sorry did you give a full and extensive report on previous sexual activities, including frequency, type, position, age, contraception used and size to everyone you ever dated?
This is common advice from women to other women. "Just don't tell him." It really shows the cognitive dissonance modern women are going through. On one hand they claim there's no consequences or reasons to not enjoy promiscuous sex. Yet they tell women to lie about it so they do realize on some level it's shameful culturally and there are consequences.
It's funny that they think it is ethically okay to start a relationship based on lying about their past. "It's just the past" is a retarded statement. The past makes us who we are in the present and the man in a relationship should be aware of it. If your husband regularly sucked dick for a living before he met you would you be okay with it because he told you it was "just the past?"
▲
▼
[–]Spectrum2081 30 points31 points32 points  (0 children)
Ooof. Give this guy some space before he says something that can't be unsaid. Downvote me all you like, but I maintain that you didn't lie by not ticking off all the things you enjoyed in the bedroom before your husband unless of course he asked and you concealed. Perhaps I just don't get it but if something is that big a deal for someone, that much a dealbreaker, shouldn't he have asked first? I mean I get that there's no good time to ask "ever have a threesome?" But neither is there a good time to bring in a "BTW, I had a threesome."
▲
▼
[–]okctoss 24 points25 points26 points  (0 children)
....because you've had MMF threesomes? Is that like, a fantasy he has that you've refused or something?
▲
▼
[–]Costofliving88 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
It's possible that he's not upset with the sex aspect, but rather your lack of disclosure towards it. Since you weren't the one to finally tell him about it, it might make him wonder what else he doesn't know about you.
▲
▼
[–]brownman83 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Everyone here is basically saying end it with him or he's stupid etc etc. That's the usual advice but it's not that simple. Yes you did not do anything wrong. That isn't the problem. The problem is how he had always perceived you and it now has changed. He's having trouble dealing with this new information. Specially when he heard it from someone else. That's pretty devastating. Let it simmer a bit. Allow him to grasp the information. Give him some time. Of course he may say some hurtful things right now. He's in a bit of a shock. He may come around and get over it. I think he will when he's ready, hash it out.
▲
▼
[–]nowandlater 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
"Right now"
He needs to decide. Either he gets over it completely 100%, or he divorces you. It's unfair to keep you in sort of a purgatory about it where he makes you feel bad about it and you are apologizing for the rest of your life.
I would demand that he gets over it, or YOU leave his judgmental ass.
▲
▼
[–]Gibonius 3 points4 points5 points  (30 children)
How did your husband find out about this? I feel like that's important information.
▲
▼
[–]husbandhatesme[S] 46 points47 points48 points  (28 children)
He was talking to an old friend of mine on a night where we were all drinking. My friend claims it was a "drunken slip of the tongue" but she has a history of pulling shit like this. I'm 100% done with her, I no longer consider her a friend.
▲
▼
[–]half_dozen_cats 33 points34 points35 points  (0 children)
My friend claims it was a "drunken slip of the tongue
Bullshit.
▲
▼
[–]DreadLockedHaitian 17 points18 points19 points  (20 children)
Yeah, as someone who would've felt the same way as you're husband; you seriously need new friends.
She had no right to bring that up.
▲
▼
[–]262Mel 8 points9 points10 points  (19 children)
Can I ask why you would've felt the same way as her husband. The way I see it is I had a life before him. Yes maybe I did things that he wouldn't do but I married him and no longer engage in that behavior. Can't our youthful transgressions remain in the past?
▲
▼
[–]DreadLockedHaitian 7 points8 points9 points  (18 children)
Eh. Not to shame OP in anyway. But, I just wouldn't be comfortable with a woman that had multiple MMF threesomes. She would just be too much of a sexual Libertine for me.
Especially considering if in the future she wanted to have one; I would be appalled.
I think that makes me a bit of a prude but from experience, I just would never be able to stomach that.
Edit: Also, I have this fanciful idea that wherever I go with my girl; she should be on my arm. I wouldn't feel good knowing that at any moment, I could come across two men who had their way with my wife like that.
▲
▼
[–]orangekitti 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
And that's your right to feel that way, but then that's something you should discuss with your partner before marriage (or just marry a virgin, if you don't want to worry about their sexual past).
▲
▼
[–]DreadLockedHaitian 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
marry a virgin
Meh, too much inexperience isn't too good either lol but you made the best point.
It's something that should be discussed prior to such a huge commitment like marriage. If it wasn't discussed, then it'd probably be better for details to never come up. OPs husband should hopefully come around but it's a tough one.
In my opinion, if I'm already married and we get along fine; then I wouldn't leave my wife over it. Maybe I'd ask more questions about it to avoid any more surprises though.
▲
▼
[–]orangekitti 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yes, I think that is what I'd do as well. Although I personally would have discussed this long before marriage, but some people genuinely don't care or don't want to know, so that's obviously not right for everyone.
I think OP's husband had a right to be shocked, but now he's just being an ass.
▲
▼
[–]werewolf_trousers 15 points16 points17 points  (10 children)
Cool. Enjoy your life in the stone age, when women have no history before they met you, their one and only, and you can tote them around like your belongings.
▲
▼
[–]DreadLockedHaitian 6 points7 points8 points  (8 children)
Stone Age LOL not really.
I usually decline to discuss my past extensively and prefer the same of my partner. I've met women who wouldn't date guys for various different reasons. Am I not allowed the same courtesy?
If my friends went and told my GF I was promiscuous up until I met her, I would not be shocked if she wanted some time apart to process this information. Especially if we happen to live within the same area I was parading my dick around.
It goes both ways.
▲
▼
[–]queenofkittiez 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
Yeah that's some backward shit. You don't belong to your partner. They don't belong to you. They are people with pasts, you have a past. Your SO is a person, not a supporting character in your life.
▲
▼
[–]werewolf_trousers 6 points7 points8 points  (4 children)
Come on, dude. You used the word "libertine." Like, how much of a throwback to the 19th century are you actually? Having multiple MMF threesomes doesn't make someone Ineligible For A Good Proper Marriage. We are not living in Jane Austen novels any more.
EDIT: and PS "had their way with"? Maybe it was OP who had HER way with THEM? Ever consider that? A woman is not a property one "has one's way with." I hope you marry a virgin.
EDIT edit: Actually, I wouldn't wish that on any woman.
▲
▼
[–]Buttercup_Barantheon 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
While I don't personally have the view u/dreadlockedhatian shard above I don't think there's anything wrong with him having it or how he stated it. People are entitled to their own opinions and preferences. He even recognized that some might think his point of view on the manner makes him on the more prudish side and is ok with that. These posts would be stupid if every single person had the exact same perspective and OPs never got to her from someone who might share views with the person they are in conflict with. It's helpful insight when trying to understand a situation and then resolve it.
Maybe you should go enjoy your own version of the stone age where the only opinions worth respecting belong to people who think just like you. How boring.
▲
▼
[–]262Mel 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
That's fair.
▲
▼
[–]dammit_need_account 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
Can I ask what your opinion is on MFF threesomes? Do you think it'd a big deal if you'd had one or is that also too promiscuous?
▲
▼
[–]DreadLockedHaitian 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I wouldn't think it was a big deal. But I've heard that MFF usually ends up awkward because there's only so much attention to go around.
I probably wouldn't tell my GF, if she didn't ask as well. And I would understand if she got pissed after my friend just dropped the bomb. I would hope she would understand it was in the past but people have their own ways of conceiving relationships and their relationship Ideals.
▲
▼
[–]dammit_need_account 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
So it's not a big deal for a guy to have MFF threesomes but it's a deal breaker if a woman has had MMF threesomes in the past? Or am I reading you incorrectly?
▲
▼
[–]greycubed -3 points-2 points-1 points  (3 children)
So you were actively hiding it, then.
▲
▼
[–]PhonyUsername 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
This gets downvoted here but is a fair question and would explain the potential root of the problem. His extreme reaction makes it seem that he was under a completely different impression as to her past.
▲
▼
[–]greycubed 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
There's that, but also people here are so desperate to be sex positive that they won't accept a sexual preference contrary to that.
I'm grossed out by promiscuous girls. I'm allowed that preference. If I were gay I'd be grossed out by promiscuous men (I mean I am already but it's not a relationship problem) so it's not a sexist thing as I'm sure people will claim.
I also don't like dipping chips in communal chip dips at parties. It's just my preference. Watch it be questioned though.
▲
▼
[–]PhonyUsername 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I agree. I mean not personally, I was a man slut and don't care about anyone else's past promiscuity as long as they openly communicate, but I understand if someone has a different preference than me. You do get a lot of people here that seem to be a little immature to give advice, some seem to have motivations with priorities above just healthy equal relationships. As a 36 year old, I just assume most of that is an age difference, or to be more precise, a lack of actual experience.
▲
▼
[–]monkeymanreddit -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
you should have just denied it, and saved yourself the aggravation
▲
▼
[–]GruberHof -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
My girlfriend scolded me for thinking about someone else during our hookup phase because we were "serious" a month later we decided to date. 6 months after dating she admitted he hooked up with some guy around that time. We were both drunk. Boy did that hurt.
Not necessarily the same situation but if he specifically asked about your intimate life and it came from someone else then yeah it would hurt.
And the fact that she's not your friend anymore for telling him will make him feel like you are mad he found out anyways and shows a lack of trust.
▲
▼
[–]Montaron87 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
It's in the post...
While out last weekend for a friends birthday, a (now ex) friend of mine told my husband about a relationship I had in college.
▲
▼
[–]Ghoste9 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Leave... maybe a day or two. He is being a child.
▲
▼
[–]avguser36 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
He's lame.
▲
▼
[–]_UsUrPeR_ 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You have nothing to be ashamed of, and have done nothing to apologize for. Careful - your husband's level of prudish propriety may be carcinogenic.
The best way to get through this is to ask a leading question:
"What has changed about me after you learned this information?"
The right answer is nothing.
▲
▼
[–]bottelz 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You can't be upset at him. Consider he thinks so highly of you and treasures your body, now you he finds out this information. It negates a lot of what your relationship is based on. Withholding is the same as lying and you know well, not many men will want to marry a girl with your kind of past
▲
▼
[–]bubbleki -2 points-1 points0 points  (6 children)
The image of the person he loved the most in the world, with whom he shared every intimate detail has been torn apart.
▲
▼
[–]Spectrum2081 23 points24 points25 points  (4 children)
Don't you think that's just a bit dramatic?
▲
▼
[–]bubbleki 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
It isn't when it is true. OP's husband is seriously disgusted by his wife.
▲
▼
[–]Spectrum2081 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
I doubt OP's husband thought she was a virgin. I bet he knew she had many sexual partners. Turns out some of those partners were simultaneous. I get that some men find this a turn off but it doesn't sound like he actually asked if she ever engaged in a threesome and she lied about it. So essentially the timing of who and when his wife had sex with the person he loved no longer exists? That's all sorts of ridiculous.
▲
▼
[–]tearapartmyresume 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I bet he knew she had many sexual partners.
Thats an assumption.
he actually asked if she ever engaged in a threesome
I'm sure her past had come up. He shouldn't have to specifically ask her if she had a threesome. He can't ask every detail but he can bring up the BF (which he did) and anything that may be relevant should come out all at once. OP admitted it was her one secret meaning she purposely avoided telling him this. MEANING she KNEW he would have wanted to KNOW.
▲
▼
[–]Spectrum2081 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
...or she knew it would upset him so since he did not ask she didn't offer, hence keeping it a secret.
I know of my husband's exes. I know they were all prettier than me. I don't want to know what it was like in the bedroom with them. For things that are dealbeakers to me (e.g. him being with men), I have asked. For things that I find gross (e.g. pegging), I never asked and if I ever find out I sure as shit wouldn't blame him for keeping it to himself!
▲
▼
[–]coldbitterness 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Because he found out she existed before he met her?
▲
▼
[–]liquid-sunshine_ 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
Why should she have to apologize for "who she was?" she was in a perfectly consensual sexual relationship with two other adults.
▲
▼
[–]amylnites 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Or maybe the problem is that he's pissed off he got the conservative version of OP and would actually like OP to be a little more adventurous with him?
Perhaps not, but just putting it out there...
▲
▼
[–]Killerchark 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
This shouldn't be about you doing anything wrong, this is about your husband hurting. He found a thing he didn't want to find out, because of your friend. It sucks for ANYONE to hear about you being intimate with other people, whether it's once or a thousand times.
Rather than trying to apologize for your past, try to be there for him and respect his feelings. It might take a while for him to get over it, because I'm sure images are in his head. You need to reassure him that this was a different time in your life, and should stay in the past.
▲
▼
[–]putsch80 26 points27 points28 points  (33 children)
Is your husband upset that you used to be sexually adventurous because he has a moral problem with it? Or is it because you are not sexually adventurous with him? And I don't just mean having threesomes; I mean fun, passionate sex.
▲
▼
[–]husbandhatesme[S] 14 points15 points16 points  (32 children)
He's never complained about our sex life. I didn't want to go into explicit detail, but people are asking and it's an anonymous account, so hear it goes...
My main "limitation" is that I won't do anal, which I know he enjoys - it's just not pleasurable and often painful for me. I don't like him cumming on my face - body is fine, in me is fine. And (not that he's ever asked) I'm done with group sex for good.
▲
▼
[–]itchassnigga 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
you let those other guys do anal but not your husband because he's too big?
▲
▼
[–]BabaOrly 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Where does it say that?
▲
▼
[–]NotQuiteRedPill 24 points25 points26 points  (8 children)
You won't do anal. Ok. But did you do anal during your 15+ threesomes?
See... This is where you will lose him. You won't give him the one thing he wants and you gave everything to your college boyfriend AND his roommate at the same time.
And your husband gets to find all that out by your ex. It was also a power play by the ex. Your husband was not only emasculated by acts you won't do with him, but emasculated by the situation of being told by your ex what he did (and could do) to you that your husband never will.
▲
▼
[–]facingthewinter 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I got the impression it came from her ex-friend, not her ex who is a friend. Could be wrong.
▲
▼
[–]facingthewinter 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Also it's likely she wasn't doing anal if she finds it painful, most likely oral and PIV.
▲
▼
[–]IceCreamThief 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I don't think it was her ex-bf, but an ex-friend who told her husband.
▲
▼
[–]Fuglylol -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
I think it was just a friend who told OP's husband not the ex boyfriend.
I think she just mentioned "now ex" because she is done with that friend.
For whoever downvoted me, here is a quote of OP:
He was talking to an old friend of mine on a night where we were all drinking. My friend claims it was a "drunken slip of the tongue" but she has a history of pulling shit like this. I'm 100% done with her, I no longer consider her a friend.
▲
▼
[–]NotQuiteRedPill -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Ok. That's a fair enough assumption. I jumped to the possible conclusion that the friend was the ex which, if true, compounds the problem exponentially.
▲
▼
[–]PeteMichaud -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
You're confused about the OP -- she said her husband found out from her friend. Because of what the friend said to the husband, the friend is now an "ex friend." The friend is not an ex lover.
▲
▼
[–]NotQuiteRedPill 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I admit that. I still think the issue is bad but not nearly as bad as if it had been the ex who told him.
▲
▼
[–]minouu -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
This is where you will lose him. You won't give him the one thing he wants and you gave everything to your college boyfriend AND his roommate at the same time.
That's bullshit. She doesn't have to do something she hates for her husband just because she has done other different things with other people.
▲
▼
[–]NotQuiteRedPill 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You're right. She doesn't have to. I never said she did. It would be like a guy who always brought home roses to his ex-girlfriend but maybe brings his current girlfriend roses only on Valentine's day. At no point is he obligated to be as romantic as he once was.
▲
▼
[–]BigBroHo 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Well now it might be time to give up the dookitang. This is your best bargaining chip.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn 8 points9 points10 points  (7 children)
ding ding ding now we know the real reason he's upset. You were getting cummed on by two guys at once plus taking it in the ass/pussy at the same time and now you deny him both. You basically cared more for the needs of these two guys than you have for your husband's. That is why he is mad. You basically told him he was second third fiddle.
▲
▼
[–]quillwriter333 26 points27 points28 points  (2 children)
Having a MMF threesome does not mean she was taking it in the ass and pussy at the same time. There are so many things that could have been going on during that threesome.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
I made an educated guess. The OP is free to tell me I'm wrong but from her comments in this thread it is heavily implied there was anal play. It may not have been simultaneous but I made the logical leap. It doesn't really matter for the point I was making though; that was a bit of hyperbole.
▲
▼
[–]werewolf_trousers 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
That is so hilariously far from "educated." As in, live, if you like in a world where you can substitute "educated" for "ignorant," then yes. You made an ignorant guess.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It doesn't really matter to my point but the OP hasn't denied it and it was implied in some of her responses in this thread.
▲
▼
[–]Throwyourtoothbrush 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Umm threesome=/=DP.
He's probably more hurt that his wife isn't the virgin Mary he thought she was.
▲
▼
[–]Built-In 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
taking it in the ass/pussy at the same time
Where did she say this?
▲
▼
[–]minouu 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
You were getting cummed on by two guys at once plus taking it in the ass/pussy at the same time and now you deny him both.
Where the hell are you getting this information?
▲
▼
[–]werewolf_trousers 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Wow so you don't know how sex works, huh? How is highschool, anyway?
▲
▼
[–]Tychussc 4 points5 points6 points  (6 children)
Did you do any of those things with whoever you had a threesome with?
▲
▼
[–]Smokeahontas 24 points25 points26 points  (4 children)
Why does that matter? She's said she doesn't enjoy those things at this point. Maybe she never enjoyed them. Lots of young women at that age engage in sexual acts they weren't entirely comfortable with to please a partner, before they have the self-possession to say no. It's likely she regrets ever doing those things. Maybe she feels a lot of shame or guilt associated with those acts.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn 4 points5 points6 points  (3 children)
It's likely she regrets ever doing those things. Maybe she feels a lot of shame or guilt associated with those acts.
Sure, fine. But that doesn't change the fact that she did them for these two guys (willing to sacrifice) but not for him. He's entitled to his feelings on that.
▲
▼
[–]werewolf_trousers -2 points-1 points0 points  (2 children)
No. He really isn't. This entirely hypothetical situation has NOTHING to do with him. He has no entitlement to "feelings" about what his wife MAY NOT have ever done with people he doesn't know. You have no idea what was a "sacrifice." You have no idea what ACTUALLY happened. Neither does her husband, apparently. You all are making up a bunch of bullshit.
EDIT: Maybe OP had some very happy NON SACRIFICIAL threesomes that her husband is now bent out of joint about. In which case, fuck him, because he is not "entitled" to the same sexual acts she once felt comfortable performing with someone else. People change. Women change. What one is comfortable with and needs or wants changes. You all are making a bunch of wild suppositions about OP's behaviour that her husband may not even be making.
▲
▼
[–]Hartastic 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
It doesn't actually matter whether you think the husband's feelings are fair or not.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
He's allowed to have whatever feelings he wants on any topic.
▲
▼
[–]gsr2013 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Take a wild guess.
▲
▼
[–]troawayman2 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
Er... if you had two dudes jizzing on you and you won't let your husband get his goof juice anywhere near you, he's probably going to feel disgusted with himself.
Like "What's wrong with my semen?"
▲
▼
[–]rockmediabeeetus 17 points18 points19 points  (1 child)
Omfg she said she doesn't like him coming on her face.
▲
▼
[–]neuroticcupcake 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Seriously right? “Anywhere on my body but my face” doesn’t seem like that much of a restriction. Not everyone likes cum in their eyes.
▲
▼
[–]putsch80 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
This is probably pretty close to the truth.
▲
▼
[–]Hartastic 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Probably, he feels like you aren't that sexually adventurous, which is something he has never been happy with but has made peace with because he loves you.
Now he understands that you are adventurous… just not with him. Somebody else was good enough or hot enough oe desired by you enough to do those things with… but not him.
And we can argue as a group about whether or not he should feel that way or not if we care to, but that doesn't really matter because he probably does feel this way.
▲
▼
[–]ThrowawayMacThrowing 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
Well, this is a tough one.
I find myself in a somewhat similar situation, although without knowing the details of my wife’s past (nor do I want to know them, really) I can’t say just how similar the situation is. My wife has a son from a previous relationship, so it’s not like I thought of her as “virginal” to begin with. However, without going into details, she occasionally lets it slip about how different her ex was…or that a guy did this…or another did that – nothing sexual, just the personalities of the guys or the way they acted. Once in a while, my mother in law will tell me how thankful she is that her daughter finally found a “’good one.” I know that there is stuff in my wife’s past that would probably shock me. Upset me. Anger me. Disappoint me. And none of those feelings are right, but they must be dealt with.
In my case, not “knowing” what she did in the past and what exactly made her boyfriends “bad,” simply makes me question myself (does she actually “love me” or is she with me only because I’m not like the others? Essentially, am I special to her? She is to me, and before her I never would have considered marrying anyone) and imagine the worst! I try very hard not to judge my wife. I wasn’t exactly a saint. But the thought of my wife with another man (or men) makes me ridiculously jealous and feel inadequate. It’s stupid, but such is human nature. I figure that as long as none of this is happening right now that she is with me, and that it hasn’t happened at any point during our relationship (since we started dating), then I have no right to judge and no reason to think less of her. It’s a difficult balancing act, but most of the time I manage to succeed. I don’t even think about it. On the occasions that I’m reminded of how “bad” things were in her past, then I start to feel the jealousy…but I try to quickly get it out of my system because destroying a good relationship for something that happened ages ago and, really, is none of my fucking business is self-defeating and unjust.
Cut him some slack. He’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, well…no reason to beat yourself up over something that you’ve come to terms with. It will hurt, of course, but if you’ve been honest and faithful, you can hold your head up high. No shame. None of us is “pure” (whatever that means).
Good luck.
▲
▼
[–]NotQuiteRedPill 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
You are the "special one." She gets to put on the fairytale exterior to you, have you believe it, and take care of her for the "happily ever after" theme. That said, she remembers her old fucks. You either deal with that concept or you don't.
▲
▼
[–]tentativesteps 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
'just like everyone else'
no. i disagree with your husbands behavior but please dont try to pass it off like your behavior was the norm. everyone's experience is different.
▲
▼
[–]Kill_The_Dinosaurs 202 points203 points204 points  (60 children)
I know I'm not a good person for keeping this from him
I don't see why he needed to know about this.
I also don't understand what his problem is. That was 10years ago - he needs to grow up and move on from this ... there is no reason for this to be ending in divorce (though, if this is how he reacts to things ... you may be better off without him ...).
He needs to work through this and move on. You did nothing wrong, and there is no reason for him to be treating you this way.
▲
▼
[–]_Kilvin 85 points86 points87 points  (18 children)
I don't see why he needed to know about this.
Seconded. I don't go into details about sex with my exes to girls I'm dating, and I wouldn't want to know their history, either. The reason I don't want to know is because I know it might hurt to hear it - that's what OP's husband is going through, I think. It hurts to think of your wife being railed by two dudes at once.
That doesn't mean getting railed by two dudes at once is inherently a bad thing or makes OP a bad person, of course. She did nothing wrong. I just empathize with OP's husband a bit.
▲
▼
[–]Bindingofhighsack 67 points68 points69 points  (10 children)
Personally, I can't imagine marrying someone without discussing our sexual histories.
▲
▼
[–]everyonelikesnoodles 33 points34 points35 points  (2 children)
Interesting. At 43, I assume that he has a past and that he would expect I've got one, too. I might answer the odd question but I would be uncomfortable revealing all and would definitely refuse a full review of my sexual history. Come to think of it, I don't think I've asked the last two men I dated anything about their sexual history nor did they ask about mine. I think this might fall off the list as we age.
▲
▼
[–]Imbris 15 points16 points17 points  (1 child)
Nah I'm 29 and I'm in 100% agreement with you. I think it more so speaks to people's insecurities or lack thereof.
▲
▼
[–]AsAGayJewishDemocrat 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Yep. The only reason anyone would ask is because they either want to get hurt by the information or they want to be validated.
"Was he bigger than me? Am I better? Have you ever done that with someone else before?" are all questions someone who isn't secure with themselves asks.
▲
▼
[–]orangekitti 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
^ I agree! But if you choose NOT to discuss it, or make it known that "such and such sex act makes me uncomfortable" while you're dating, then you have no right to be pissed about it after you tie the knot. I mean, if he straight-up asked her if she'd ever had a threesome and she lied, that would be one thing, or if they were discussing doing a threesome themselves and she didn't tell him, I think that would also be bad. But he never asked.....he just assumed. If he didn't want his partner to have a sexual past before him nor have to discuss this before marriage, he should have married a virgin.
▲
▼
[–]catcatcatcats 14 points15 points16 points  (2 children)
I guess it depends for different people though, because I wouldn't be able to stand listening to my bf talk about all the different things he's done with women before.
And I'm pretty sure if I talked my history in detail it would just end with him being angry and wanting to kill my ex's out of jealousy. I can understand knowing sexual histories like who or how many you've slept with, but specific details seems like too much to me.
▲
▼
[–]codeverity 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
And I'm pretty sure if I talked my history in detail it would just end with him being angry and wanting to kill my ex's out of jealousy.
Whenever this topic comes up on Reddit, I'm always shocked at how many people want to know a laundry list of what their partner did before. It just seems like a breeding ground for insecurity and jealousy. (Plus, I really feel like past sexual exploits are irrelevant, but that's just me.)
▲
▼
[–]Buttercup_Barantheon 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
I don't see it as any different than asking my current SO to list off all of the romantic and wonderful things he ever did for his past SOs or girls he really liked. I know it happened, I know they exist, I made awesome romantic memories too with other guys I dated before him, but why on earth would I ever want to torture myself with those details? Who would want that? Yet people feel like they want to know their SO's sexual details for some reason.
▲
▼
[–]lurking_misanthrope 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
Especially if a person has dealbreaker issues, like "I would never marry someone who participated in _______" Seems like if it's that crucial, it's your responsibility to bring it up and communicate about it.
▲
▼
[–]schematicboy 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
So far I've enjoyed hearing about the past exploits of one of my partners. It's part of what makes someone who they are, and it helped me to understand what they liked. Plus it was delightfully titillating.
▲
▼
[–]Honourandapenis -5 points-4 points-3 points  (0 children)
Creepy.
▲
▼
[–]krokenlochen 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
I can get being upset about it, but it doesn't excuse calling your wife repulsive and distancing yourself from her completely. The best thing would have been understanding and communicating with OP, and hopefully coming to a resolution.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa -3 points-2 points-1 points  (5 children)
The reason I don't want to know is because I know it might hurt to hear it
If you have done something in the past that might upset your partner, you tell it to them, you do not hide it. The way they might react to it might make them reconsider whether if you are the right person, and thus they own the right to know.
▲
▼
[–]Xanok 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
This is the wrong answer.
▲
▼
[–]_Kilvin 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
My partner doesn't need to know my fourth girlfriend liked anal sex and my sixth one liked choking, and oh man the ninth one? Let me tell you about the NINTH one...
See what I'm getting at? Prison time, illegitimate children, mental issues - sure, full disclosure. Explicit sexual history? Nah.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
OP's boyfriend had no trouble with sharing her with an other man, so essentially he just saw her as an object. Yet she did not only stick with him but kept getting fucked by him and his buddy too, which means that OP lacked self-respect. This is a big deal.
Even if it wasn't, OP felt like she should have shared it with him, but still didn't; which is an entirely different problem.
▲
▼
[–]BabaOrly 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
That's a mighty load of conjecture.
▲
▼
[–]_Kilvin 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Or maybe OP enjoyed threesomes? No reason to assume she was a victim in that situation.
▲
▼
[–]puterTDI 32 points33 points34 points  (1 child)
I also don't understand why she thinks she did something wrong.
There was nothing wrong with what she did.
▲
▼
[–]sideout2 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
The only wrong person so far is the now ex-friend. Her husband hasn't done anything.. yet. He sounds like he just got his foundation cracked, which can be repaired.
I'm sure there aren't many people who can instantly disregard information like that when it's sprung on you in that situation.
▲
▼
[–]midwestwatcher 52 points53 points54 points  (2 children)
As the dinosaur in the room I'll say it: you owe your spouse your past. A trend I see in young people today is that they have this walled-off area that they feel is just for themselves, and not their spouse. It just doesn't work that way in my experience. Sometimes your spouse will find out something (good, bad, or neutral) and be upset they didn't find it out from you! One of the quickest ways to sabotage emotional intimacy is to keep things, even things you think might be hurtful.
I suspect his reaction has to do with him reprocessing her. He had her categorized because he thought he had all the information, and now he has to redo it, and it's just presenting as if he cares about the sexual act. He'll get over that soon, I think.
▲
▼
[–]awickfield 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
It is one thing if he asked and she lied. I see no reason to volunteer that information without being asked though. People are different, some people DO NOT want to know their partner's past. If you want to know something about your partner's sexual history, ask them. If they lie then, that's an issue.
▲
▼
[–]coldbitterness 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
But most of the time it's just not relevant to someone's current life. I have stuff in my history that some of the weirdos people are married to in this sub would probably find some reason to be outraged by, but it has no bearing on my life now. Like, not only is it my personal business, I also just don't think about it? Not because it was bad or I'm embarrassed but because I have enough happening in my life that I don't need to dwell on my (or my husband's) sex life from ten years ago.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa 23 points24 points25 points  (27 children)
I don't see why he needed to know about this.
He is her husband. Couples shouldn't keep secrets from eachother.
▲
▼
[–]Kill_The_Dinosaurs 42 points43 points44 points  (14 children)
She wasn't really keeping a secret - what's the point of divulging every little thing you've ever done in your past?
There is a difference between keeping secrets and not sharing your every past intimate moment with your SO.
▲
▼
[–]thurst29 15 points16 points17 points  (2 children)
When would the topic come up anyway? "Oh hey, Three's Company is on TV! " "Speaking of threes, I had multiple threesomes in college."
▲
▼
[–]nixvex 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
OP didn't bring it up at all. Did you even read the post? She said a friend (now ex friend) brought it up.
I don't think anything she did was wrong but that's gotta be an awkward piece of information to hear about ones spouse. Especially coming from a third party.
▲
▼
[–]coldbitterness 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Well that's the fault of the former friend, who the hell talks to someone about someone else's sex life especially their sex life from before they were married? That's an asshole move
▲
▼
[–]passingby90 29 points30 points31 points  (8 children)
what's the point of divulging every little thing you've ever done in your past?
I don't know, I wouldn't tell a long-term boyfriend that I once ate an ant when I was two, but having threesomes regularly seems like an important enough to tell a partner.
▲
▼
[–]RaffyGiraffy 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
I guess it's preference...I mean, I wouldn't want to know if my boyfriend had threesomes in the past but I can understand why some people would. I don't think i'ts grounds for divorce though.
▲
▼
[–]krokenlochen 10 points11 points12 points  (6 children)
If its a distant part of OP's past that isn't who she is anymore, she shouldn't have to share. I sure as hell won't tell my partner about my masturbatory habits at 13, nor will I in the future unless its relevant.
▲
▼
[–]passingby90 -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
It seems relevant in OP's case. Also, I see masturbation and threesomes as quite different things. Unless they're extremely religious, I can't see anybody getting disappointed at the idea of their partners masturbating. However, I for example would have problems accepting my partner's having been in threesomes regularly.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa 0 points1 point2 points  (4 children)
If its a distant part of OP's past that isn't who she is anymore, she shouldn't have to share.
It is a part of her past. The whole "that wasn't who I am right now" thing is bullshit, the girl that got spitroasted is the same person with OP, she just realized that she had done something wrong.
▲
▼
[–]allpregnantandshit 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Really, spitroasted?
What is wrong, exactly, with adults engaging in consensual behavior?
▲
▼
[–]TBWolf 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
If you think threesomes are somehow morally wrong, then sure, but I don't see the big deal.
▲
▼
[–]kwylster 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Expect she didn't do anything wrong.
▲
▼
[–]Showmeyourcupcakes 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
She didn't do anything wrong at all. It's, frankly, none of his business, and he's totally overreacting. He may be her husband, but that doesn't entitle him to every single bit of her past that doesn't have any bearing on their current relationship.
She didn't lie, he didn't ask, she was NOT obligated to tell him since it's not relevant to their relationship at all. If she had lied, I would be able to understand his reaction... But she didn't! If he has such a problem with this, he should have discussed sexual deal breakers before they got married. He needs to work through this because it is totally his hang up. She didn't do anything wrong. At all.
▲
▼
[–]huxley00 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Well
  1. Its not that she just had threesomes in college, she had them and other people obviously know about them who they are still friends with.
  2. Its not your friends fault that this came out, I wouldn't be furious with her, I would be mad at myself for keeping this a secret.
  3. I can't imagine how this never came up in the past. People tend to talk about their sexual histories, to some degree or another. My guess, you actively hid this because you knew he would be pissed. You wanted to sell yourself as this new person because to you, the old person doesn't matter. That isn't really your decision to make, that is your husbands.
Anyway, I have some pretty shameful stuff in my past that I tell every SO about because they have a right to know what I've done and how I've changed.
This blew up in your face because you kept it a secret, all you can do is try to explain to your husband about why you hid it and what type of person you are now, good luck.
If anyone else remembers the thread where a woman video taped herself in college doing stuff with her boyfriend that she told her husband she would never do...then he found the tape and went ballistic? It's better to just be upfront with this stuff. If you try to hide your past, it will catch up with you.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
There is a difference between keeping secrets and not sharing your every past intimate moment with your SO.
To be honest getting double penetrated by two guys for(one of whom is your boyfriend), like, 20 times seems a little more than "every past intimate moment" to me.
▲
▼
[–]Faydre 6 points7 points8 points  (10 children)
Yes, but did he ever ask? Explicitly for those details? She didn't keep anything from him. Personally, I know that none of them I've dated would want that sort of information.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa -4 points-3 points-2 points  (9 children)
It's a good thing that my girlfriend never asked about that girl I raped before I strangled her and dumped her in the river, then.
▲
▼
[–]codeverity 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
A threesome should not be compared to rape. The two are nowhere near equivalent. Can people please stop with the over the top offensive comparisons.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
A threesome should not be compared to rape.
That was not my point. I am repeating my point; you don't need to be asked about something you have done in the past, to tell it to someone that is extremely intimate to you. Her previous relationships concern him, given the fact that he is her husband, and having had threesomes with some dudes on a regular basis is not some small detail.
▲
▼
[–]codeverity 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
If you want people to take your points seriously, don't make offensive and over the top comparisons.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Anyone who wasn't autistic or looking to move the goalpost would get it.
▲
▼
[–]Faydre 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
Yes, because you would totally tell her about that. A honest killer rapist, the world abounds with them.
▲
▼
[–]Pruswa 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I am telling you that you don't need to be asked about something you have done in the past, to tell it to someone that is extremely intimate to you. Her previous relationships concern him, given the fact that he is her husband, and having had threesomes with some dudes on a regular basis is not some small detail.
▲
▼
[–]Faydre 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
My reply was mostly a sarcastic joke, I am sorry if it came across the opposite way!
▲
▼
[–]BabaOrly 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
That's not the same. Why do you think rape and murder is even in the same galaxy as this?
▲
▼
[–]Spectrum2081 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
If you raped and strangled someone I doubt you keeping it a secret would be the problem your girlfriend would have. OP enjoyed threesomes, not sacrificing kittens.
▲
▼
[–]hikkimo 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Couples shouldn't keep secrets from eachother.
couple is unit of two, not one organism. each should have their own private territory
▲
▼
[–]Emilions 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
That's rubbish! That's exactly why things like this happens. If you're getting married to someone, that person deserves to know and making an informed decision. Who are you to decide for the SO? You had your fun. good for you. But it doesn't mean that your SO needs to work through it. Load after load of rubbish
▲
▼
[–]JacobChambers 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
What's the whole story? Did she present herself as someone innocent and pure as snow throughout their relationship that this is totally out of left field? 15 threesomes... now I'm Betty Crocker.
▲
▼
[–]DaphneDK 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I also don't understand what his problem is.
I don't see what the big deal is with peanut butter. It taste horrible and looks worse. Obviously I'm not in the majority on this, and I'm not everythings measure. Perhaps you are not either. The problem is obviously that the husband doesn't share your opinion.
▲
▼
[–]Draaksweyn -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
Typical man-shaming. Whenever a guy expresses feelings he's told to, "grow up and move on." He's allowed to have feelings just like OP was allowed to get double penetrated.
LOL at telling her to divorce him because of his feelings too, by the way. If men did this every woman on the planet would be single.
▲
▼
[–]Kill_The_Dinosaurs 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Man-Shaming, really....?
I would have said the exact same thing if the situation were reversed - yes, sometimes you need to grow up and move on regardless of your feelings.
▲
▼
[–]Master_Z 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Everyone has different perceptions on what's cool with them when it comes to sex.
Example: I had a female friend who before I knew her did a couple porno. I got no problem with people doing Porn, but after a few years knowing her a BF found out exactly what type of porn she did and even I was disgusted by her. It wasn't like a physically extreme thing, but it was mentally extreme and fucked up. Her BF broke up with her on the spot and I saw her in a different light. We're still friends, but man do I feel disgusted sometimes when I think of what she did.
▲
▼
[–]learn91 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
I know I'm not a good person for keeping this from him, so please don't lecture me. It was a chapter of my life I'd thought I'd closed for good. It was my ONE secret, and I honestly debated telling him about it but came to the conclusion that no positive outcome could come from it.
Sounds like that was your mistake.
/r/relationships tends to be very liberal about this question, but I've talked it over with enough people that I've come to this conclusion: some people need to know their partner's sexual histories, and it does matter to them. It changes how much they value their sexual relationship with their current partner. Other people could care less, because they're dating who that person is NOW, not who they were 10 years ago.
If anyone is looking at this for advice in the future, I would say this: find out which category your partner is in, and act accordingly. If they are in the first category, you have to decide if you are comfortable sharing your sexual history, or you have to leave. Every person is entitled to have whatever sort of sex life they want, but that doesn't mean every other person they date needs to agree and support it. I simply cannot understand why an honest person would hide a potential deal-breaker from their romantic partner.
And if your partner doesn't support it, it's not something to be ashamed off. Just consider it a difference in values and move on.
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 88 points89 points90 points  (37 children)
Let me guess: you've previously shot down his attempts to broaden your bedroom activities?
▲
▼
[–]husbandhatesme[S] 46 points47 points48 points  (20 children)
I have shot down some things, but only because I am in-tune with myself enough to know my sexual limits, likes and dislikes. It's not like I'm a prude, we have an active sex life (3-4 times / week) and I very much enjoy having sex with him.
▲
▼
[–]Imbris 100 points101 points102 points  (2 children)
You're fine. Just because you had a few threesomes in college doesn't mean you're obligated to have threesomes with all your future partners. I think /u/mikaelhg is just trying to get in the mind of your husband and why he might be upset (even if it's a stupid reason).
▲
▼
[–]half_dozen_cats 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
doesn't mean you're obligated to have threesomes with all your future partners
Yeah but in the turmoil this guy is going through right now it might be anything she shot down. Like maybe she doesn't give BJ's or only likes missionary. Literally anything right now is a mental hand grenade. Not defending him just trying to frame it.
edit: I see elsewhere that your limits are anal and facial, those seem really reasonable in my humble opinion. I think he just needs to process this internally and get over it. I hope things work out for you.
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 36 points37 points38 points  (0 children)
just trying to get in the mind of your husband
Exactly.
▲
▼
[–]polarpolarpolar 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
Yes, but how can you give your body in certain ways to people in your past that you are not willing to give your husband, the one person who you are supposed to share your life with? I would feel hurt too. You need to say something like, it was a different time and looking back I had fun but it wasn't fulfilling. I don't desire anyone but you now, and I've learned that I enjoy certain things and don't enjoy others. Then give him something that you have never given someone before. He is your husband, support him! He feels emasculated, like he married someone with a secret side of kinky desire he was never allowed to find out about. Make him part of it somehow and it will get better.
▲
▼
[–]orangekitti -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
(Copypasta from above):
OR, you could look at it like- OP's husband is so much more important to her than her past boyfriend, that she would never want to jeopardize the relationship by having a threesome.
As we've seen, sometimes husband and wife can both be down for a threesome, but afterwards they realize they can't handle the feelings of jealousy or whatever. It can shake some couples so badly that they break up. So OP might have been fine with having one with her ex, because she knew that they probably weren't forever, but if she had one with her husband and lost him, she'd regret it.
▲
▼
[–]crazyeddie123 7 points8 points9 points  (14 children)
I have shot down some things
What things? Anything similar to what he found out you did?
▲
▼
[–]Flamburghur 16 points17 points18 points  (7 children)
Just because you do something with one partner doesn't mean you have to do it with everyone else in the future.
▲
▼
[–]midwestwatcher 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
Obviously, but if we are going to entertain the idea, it's worth acknowledging that this can cause resentment. Even justified actions have consequences.
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 12 points13 points14 points  (2 children)
However, if you're happy to try new things and approach adventures with the assumption of them being fun with person A, but you completely shut down person B and assume his novel propositions are going to be unpleasant, then person B can pretty legitimately believe that he's not considered desirable, and is being taken as granted.
▲
▼
[–]orangekitti 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
OR, you could look at it like- Person B is so much more important to OP than Person A, that she would never want to jeopardize the relationship by having a threesome.
As we've seen, sometimes husband and wife can both be down for a threesome, but afterwards they realize they can't handle the feelings of jealousy or whatever. It can shake some couples so badly that they break up. So OP might have been fine with having one with Person A, because she knew that they probably weren't forever, but if she had one with Person B and lost him, she'd regret it.
▲
▼
[–]Hartastic 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You could look it that way, but based on what OP said I bet her husband doesn't.
▲
▼
[–]Miliean 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
Just because you do something with one partner doesn't mean you have to do it with everyone else in the future.
But just because you are under no oblation to do something, does not mean that your partners feelings won't be hurt if he finds out that you did it with others in the past. Particularly if this is something he has specifiably asked to do.
▲
▼
[–]BunchOAtoms 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yes, I think people miss this point. Words like "obligation" and "right" get thrown around, but it's always viewed from a selfish POV. Just because you don't have an obligation doesn't mean that decision takes place in a vacuum. I'm not "obligated" to go to my friend's birthday party, but that doesn't mean s/he is wrong to be upset about it.
▲
▼
[–]troawayman2 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It's a great way to (mis)communicate that you don't find someone desirable.
▲
▼
[–]anywayzz -1 points0 points1 point  (5 children)
But even if that's the case it doesn't mean that she has to do those things with her husband in my opinion. She said she has regrets about her past, she is under no obligation to do things that she is no longer comfortable with just because she was okay with it 10 years ago. Hopefully this isn't why her husband is upset because it would be pretty shitty of him to feel like he is owed a threesome or something.
▲
▼
[–]the_word_is 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Of course she doesn't have to do anything. It doesn't mean the husband isn't going to feel less adequate when he finds out his wife was willing to do sexual things with previous guys that she won't do with him. He probably feels like she married him for a lot of reasons, but sexual desire not one of them. Everyone has to live with their actions. Actions have consequences. It may not be fair, but if you are going to fuck a couple guys at the same time multiple times and then keep it from your future husband, while simultaneously not being very sexually adventurous, well, I don't see how you can't expect him to feel inadequate and like he doesn't even know who you are.
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
no obligation
That's a total red herring. Of course there is no obligation. It seems pretty intellectually dishonest to even approach the matter from this direction.
▲
▼
[–]anywayzz -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
All I meant was that if it is his attitude it is unhealthy, I didn't mean to distract from the conversation at hand.
▲
▼
[–]crazyeddie123 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
OK, try this on with your sweetie:
"I love you so much that I'm placing this thing you love off-limits specifically for you. I'd never dream of denying those other guys anything they wanted, because I didn't care about them."
Does that really make any sense at all?
▲
▼
[–]anywayzz -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
My perspective was more about the level of intimacy though. She obviously has a different kind of relationship with the man she married in her thirties than a guy she dated in college. She may not have felt very committed to her college boyfriend and was more open to involving other people in her sex life then. She may see her sex life with her husband as something more private/sacred/intimate and something she doesn't want to involve other people in.
▲
▼
[–]Shaquintosh 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
To be fair, everybody in a long term relationship will sometimes shoot down their partner. It's just the nature of different people wanting different things at different times.
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
He's obviously not home for Mr. Rational right now.
▲
▼
[–]anywayzz 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Exactly! OP's beliefs/desires in college don't have to reflect her beliefs/desires today.
▲
▼
[–]Tychussc 37 points38 points39 points  (12 children)
Probably, im gonna go for 90% this being true.
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 58 points59 points60 points  (11 children)
I suppose I have to explain why I mention this.
If he's been constantly been shot down over the years, and then he hears a drunken party story about how THOSE guys were desirable enough for you to try new things with and for them, and THEY were good enough to make it fun enough to indulge in over a time, that's a pretty total declaration of how much he's being taken for granted, and how little interest you have in him. (This is all in his head.)
▲
▼
[–]anywayzz 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
I think there is another way of looking at it though: if OP has shot down her husband for a threesome, one possible explanation is that she feels so committed to him that she is uncomfortable sharing their bed with someone else. Perhaps she felt more open in past relationships because not only was she younger, but her feelings weren't as strong for her then-BF so the idea of another person being involved in their sex life wasn't upsetting to her. She may have also just outgrown that part of her life too but I feel like this is another possible reason to not want to engage in a threesome with your partner.
edit: just wanted to add that I certainly see your perspective, too! I just wanted to add that there might be a pretty big contrast between how OP might feel and how her husband might feel.
Also: the fact that OP's husband was "disgusted" by her after learning this makes me think he may not be interested in a threesome but since we're discussing it here anyways I wanted to add my two cents worth
▲
▼
[–]mikaelhg 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
I don't think he'd react this strongly if she'd turned down a threesome. It must have been something a lot tamer, so much that he feels deeply shamed by this revelation.
▲
▼
[–]anywayzz 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Good point! That makes a lot of sense.
▲
▼
[–][deleted]  (2 children)
[deleted]
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]mikaelhg 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
    parent commenter edited out dissing Kevin Smith movies...
    I love his podcasts, and TESD. Without the distraction of a camera, he's a brilliant entertainer.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]yutingxiang 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    He is, absolutely, and I love his earlier work. I edited out the Kevin Smith diss because I felt it distracted from OP's post.
    My original comment also contained, "Man, remember when Kevin Smith made good movies with compelling characters?" or something along those lines, for the curious.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Treebranch1 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Damn dude you nailed it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]La_Fee_Verte -5 points-4 points-3 points  (2 children)
    it really seems to be coming from a deep-seated insecurity.
    Maybe it's not 'they were good enough', but 'she was too insecure and thought she couldn't say no to anything', or 'she was brainwashed by an abusive ex', or even 'she enjoyed things then, but over the years realised she doesn't'.
    Why does it have to be an issue of 'uh oh, they were better than me'?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]mikaelhg 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    It would be pretty dismissive towards your SO to immediately assume that their actions are dictated by others.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]La_Fee_Verte -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
    look, I gave you three options out of hundreds, that don't involve the only one you entertained. You latched onto one that you feel you can argue.
    And yes, haven't your heard of the peer pressure? It's real, especially if you are a teenager or in your early twenties.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TheMomerathOutgrabe -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
    Yeah, it's still a really destructive, immature way of dealing with it. He could tell her these things and work through them together instead of freaking out and shaming her.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]schwarzwald17 29 points30 points31 points  (5 children)
    the past is the past xD
    Unlike the other posters who seem to be bent on white-knighting and circlejerking for the purpose of trying to make you feel better (and in extension, having themselves feel less guilty about their hedonistic tendencies as youth), I will tell you why your husband is reacting the way he's acting.
    First of all, your sexual "free-spirit" escapades are indeed a part of you. You cannot ignore your past. No one can. It is childish and stupid to try to avoid what happened and act like it doesn't matter. That kind of thinking is dangerous because we get shit like world wars and holocausts happening all because some guys claimed "Durr, it's just the past xD who cares!" Everyone should be responsible for their actions in the past, present or future. Actions have consequences.
    Back on point. For all we know, you're deeply ashamed of being the carousel of 20-something drunk men (or not, but I don't really care.) You should've been honest with your husband about your previous sex encounters from the start. His reaction could have been much less severe had you told him about what you've done when you first got into a serious relationship with him. Perhaps he would've thought of you as a better person that way in that you were trying to redeem yourself.
    Now onto the reason why your husband freaked out. He just found out about a disturbing secret/past of yours not from you but from someone else. In that sense, he can't trust you. You're almost like a complete stranger to him, no doubt. How would you feel if all of a sudden it came out that your husband was Charles the Ripper who brutally killed in a Dexter-like fashion and you had nary an idea about it? You would start to be suspicious of your husband and wonder what else he's hiding from you. And to top it all, the excuse he gives you - "the past is the past who cares!" - would reek of trying to brush aside not only your feelings but his responsibility for his actions. It's cowardly.
    Technically, you did nothing wrong in the sense that you didn't cheat on him. But what you did do is lose the trust of your husband. In that sense, your husband is not paranoid or overreacting about this. You don't have to tell him about all the positions you, Chad and his friend did together but you could've told him that you had these fleeting relationships with multiple partners. To many people, one's sex life is important. Not everyone sees sex as something "fun" and "open". Sex to me is something intimate that should only be done with a person you love and care about. He probably thinks the same way. Not to mention the fact that there are studies that show that the more relationships/sexual encounters one has, the more likely they are to cheat. That may not be you but statistics show that it can be a possibility.
    You may not like what I had to say. I'm just being brutally honest with you.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]humbleservantginger 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    based.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TheRabid 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    True. She made a choice in her past. They both get to make a chocie now to move forward or split apart. Either is a good choice.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]passingby90 -2 points-1 points0 points  (2 children)
    He just found out about a disturbing secret/past of yours not from you but from someone else (who just happened to be your ex)
    You've misunderstood that, pal:
    He was talking to an old friend of mine on a night where we were all drinking. My friend claims it was a "drunken slip of the tongue" but she has a history of pulling shit like this. I'm 100% done with her, I no longer consider her a friend.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]schwarzwald17 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
    Does it really matter? The point is, the husband found out about her secret past from someone else. That never bodes well for a lasting marriage based on trust.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]passingby90 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Well, you pointed out that he found out through an ex of hers as if that made things even worse, but that was not the case, so I corrected you.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]randomnight23 33 points34 points35 points  (2 children)
    I think people are being a bit harsh on OP's Husband here... yes he is reacting badly BUT he has just been told that his Wife, the Woman he adores used to get railed by two guys, at the same time on more than one occasion... it is NOT a nice image to have in your head of your loved one unless you are very sexually liberal...so I don't understand why people are saying it's none of his business.
    Yes it happened before him but this is the woman he loves and he found this out from another person... there will be issues for him to work through by himself and eventually with his wife... why do people know more about my wife than I do, is she still this person, how come I didn't know about this side of her...etc...
    I think his feelings are valid and he just needs time to work through it and realize that the person you are NOW is the person he loves and that is what matters.
    Everyone has a past.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]half_dozen_cats 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
    yes he is reacting badly BUT he has just been told that his Wife, the Woman he adores used to get railed by two guys, at the same time on more than one occasion.
    If somebody told me this about my SO I'd be angry at them for putting something in my head from a time before I was even in the picture. It's like would somebody do that? It's a db move.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]neroics -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    I agree that his feelings are valid, but the way he's expressed them seems needlessly hurtful. I might feel similarly repulsed, but I would NEVER tell my SO "you repulse me."
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]troawayman2 33 points34 points35 points  (11 children)
    It's something that changes his perception of you. Imagine if he visited a ton of brothels in vegas in his younger days? Would you be able to let that go?
    It's something he has to get over by himself, but he really has no one to talk to.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]doctorfoo 14 points15 points16 points  (9 children)
    Imagine if he visited a ton of brothels in vegas in his younger days
    Exactly. How easy could you forgive this?
    If the answer is "easily", then you do have a leg to stand on, but understand that a significant number of women would have a hard time accepting that.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]werewolf_trousers 8 points9 points10 points  (8 children)
    OH bollocks. Paying a prostitute for sex is NOT THE SAME as a threesome that three healthy adults consent to.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]doctorfoo 14 points15 points16 points  (1 child)
    I really don't see why not. It's a common sexual activity that occurs among consenting adults.
    That being said, this serves to illustrate perfectly how opinions on these matters are simply... different. Polarised. And may perhaps never be reconciled.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Vitalstatistix -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
    You really think a threesome and fucking a prostitute are the same thing?
    Hell, the simplest argument of their difference is that fucking a prostitute could get you arrested, while clearly a MFM won't.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]troawayman2 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
    No, the feelings and comments they illicit are generally the same.
    "I feel like my spouse is tainted. I feel inadequate. I feel like I've been duped. Like I don't know who I entered a relationship with. I wish s/he'd told me this earlier." And so on and so forth. It's the fastest analogy. Not the most accurate.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]minouu 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    "I feel like my spouse is tainted. I feel inadequate. I feel like I've been duped. Like I don't know who I entered a relationship with. I wish s/he'd told me this earlier."
    By shit they did ten years ago in college?! You serious???
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]murphyfox 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    this!
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]rushawa20 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Why not? What if they live somewhere where prostitution is legal?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Built-In 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Adults that all had a long term, semi-monogamous relationship.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]bodiesstackneatly 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Your right the threesum is worse they were so desirable to her she gave it away for free
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]murphyfox -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
    Paying a prostitute for sex is definitely not the same as having a consensual threesome. Come on.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]rushawa20 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    How would you feel if your husband used to regularly have escorts fulfil every single one of his fantasies, even ones that you've never done with him? Even though it's in his past, you'd surely still hate to know that and struggle to deal with it. That's what he's going through.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Seahenry 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    First of all, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and have no reason to be ashamed. I'm going to play devils advocate for a second here just to give you an idea of what is going through his mind.
    As he JUST found out about this a week ago he is trying to process what sort of person you are. He may feel misled and confused. He thought you were someone who had fairly vanilla sexual and romantic experiences (since you have during the time you have known him) so now that he has suddently learned that you had a number of threesomes in college he isn't sure what to think of you, his perception is changed. He might think you are tarnished or the act of having sex is less special for the two of you. He may feel a bit disgusted by you right now.
    While a lot of these thoughts are ridiculous, that's probably what is still going through his mind. First of all you need to tell him that whenever he wants to talk you are there. He is going to need lots of time to think things through. When you do talk you really need to explain that what you did in college is not an accurate reflection of who you are now or when you met him. It's gonna be really hard for him to see past this but at some point he will realize that he still loves you and this is something he should be able to look past.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]StuffsNThings 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Tell him you want to talk about it when he's ready. That this isn't just something he needs to figure out alone in his head and it's ok to hash out his feelings with you. That, really, you'd much rather have a difficult conversation where he tries to express ideas that don't make a lot of sense, even if they sound really bad, than just wait and wonder what he's thinking about for days or weeks.
    Keep in mind during that conversation that you've had 10 years to deal with this stuff about yourself. He's had a week. Personally I think leaving your bed is kind of extreme, but hopefully he's just trying to figure this out. Not considering divorce over something you did years before he even met you.
    If he expresses a really sounding idea, on the level of, "Well, honestly, my first reaction was kind of 'Holy shit. My wife was a slut in college.'", you need to be prepared to not take it personally immediately. Which isn't to say he might not mean it personally, hopefully not, but that what you're asking for is an insight into how he's thinking. You aren't going to get fully-formed ideas that have been considered carefully. You're asking for his train-of-thought randomness that doesn't consider consequences or context. That's difficult for him to express well and it's going to be difficult for you to hear probably. What's important is the process though. What, exactly, gets said is far less important than the fact that he can feel safe enough to say it and you can feel secure enough to hear it.
    Obviously this isn't a guarantee. He might lash out and be taking this far more seriously than we hope. If that's happening though, I don't think trying to have a conversation can either fix or hurt it. You'll just know what's going on sooner than you would if you didn't say anything.
    And, obviously, your ex friend is a nutbag. Who the fuck talks to a friend's husband about her hedonistic college sex life? I can hardly believe someone was that insensitive and idiotic.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]NotAnotherLOL 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    1. You did nothing wrong, and had no obligation to talk about it.
    2. With that said, I can definitely see where he is coming from. He has different morals regarding sex, and he doesn't have any obligation to stay with someone he is not to morally compatible with.
    3. He will probably get over it and realize how silly it is to judge you for that. I would give home some more space, but talk to him eventually. Be honest and direct.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ramstart 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Give him time . It's early he has the right to be upset, tell him you understand and if he would like to talk about it you'll be ready to do so ?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]donnylong 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    12-15 threesomes is kind of a lot considering most people never have one in their life. Although I'm pretty open sexually, I think even I would need a week to process that about my wife. I wouldn't end it over something like that, but it would definitely shake me
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Jesusfuckkkk 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    As nauseatingly liberated reddit is , they all still want to get married, one of the oldest traditional institutions.
    And dont give me that 'tax benefit' bullshit.Thats a very low incentive to be tied to someone all your life.Not to mention divorce is fucking draining.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]madein1986 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    This is why I only date virgins.
    Nothing good can come from telling any guy you've had a three sum. We've seen too many videos and our imagination will run wild.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ManhandsMalone 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    He is probably hurt that you have some restrictions on what he can do in the bedroom and apparently you didn't have those restrictions on the last guy in college. This could be making him feel like that last guy was more special and you just couldn't control yourself but your husband doesn't make you feel the same way. If he's your special man, make certain he knows it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]sciden 11 points12 points13 points  (3 children)
    See, your husband imagined you as this girl that he decided to spend the rest of his life with. He thought you had value but you according to your own admonition engaged in extremely risky sexual behavior and you likely turned down his requests for sex.
    In comparison to what he requested is engaging in a threesome 15 times less? I would divorce a woman if I found out she used to engage in disgusting sexual acts but turned down basic requests.
    You are basically telling your husband that you would rather please a man that is not even your boyfriend than please the man who you are leeching off of for the rest of your life. It sounds more like you are concerned with the financial repercussions of divorce than actually making your husband happy.
    If I were you I would get in that bedroom and beg for forgiveness by making your husband happy sexually because you have no problems doing that with random guys. You didn't just change, you have shown what type of person you are by your past actions.
    Your past actions do define you as a person. If a murderer killed someone or a child molester sexually abused someone, do they get to say, "Hey guys I spent my time in Jail, all of that is behind me, I am a different person now". No, they have to deal with those repercussions for their entire lives and you do too now. Just tell your next husband what a disgusting person you are before you get married.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]calkey83 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    YESSSS!! upvote
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]facingthewinter 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    You sound really bitter and hateful towards women, and like you think they owe you sexual acts just because you want them. Honestly, your whole post disgusts me. Having threesomes has no bearing on a persons "values". OP and her husband have sex 3-4 times a week, and she's never turned down a threesome with him, he's never asked. People are allowed to change their sexual preferences. Plenty of women do things in college to get approval from men and boost their self confidence. Guess what? A woman who's found a man who proves that her self worth isn't tied to her sexual abilities doesn't need to do that! She's allowed to set boundaries and not do things simply for the reason that she doesn't want to do them. As long as both OP and her husband are satisfied, it doesn't matter what either of them did in the past.
    I honestly can't believe you compared a consenting threesome to murder and child abuse. Ugh.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]awickfield -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    you have literally zero evidence that she is turning him down all the time. She mentions she has turned him down for "some things" but she still has sex with him 3-4 times a week.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Iamnotahulahoop 8 points9 points10 points  (3 children)
    I feel like this sub always lies to themselves about this but guess what, sexual history matters. The husband probably wouldn't have married her if he knew of this prior and now feels lied to/played the fool.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]awickfield 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    If he had a dealbreaker sexual act, he should have asked her before they got married.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]codeverity 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Some people just genuinely do not care. Considering how many people I know who think that threesomes are incredibly awesome, I always kind of scratch my head when people go 'omfg you had a threesome of course he wants to divorce you'. It just seems so extreme and unwarranted. The past is the past.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]jons_throwaway 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    ^ yep
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Shaquintosh 21 points22 points23 points  (13 children)
    He hasn't slept in our bed since he found out, and he's barely spoken to me all week.
    Jesus. Dude needs to work on his issues with insecurity and judgement.
    Try to be understanding and engage him in a conversation about what can help him deal with this. Time alone will probably help a lot.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]itchassnigga -12 points-11 points-10 points  (11 children)
    how would you like to stick your dick in a hole that over 30 dudes came in? Would you use a buy a fleshlight from a used fleshlight salesmen?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]BabaOrly 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
    I don't understand comments like these. Do you think this woman has never washed or that her body just stores semen in a puddle at the back or her vagina waiting for some unwitting guy to put his dick in? She's not a Fleshlight, for fuck's sake, she's a human being.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]bodiesstackneatly 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Its not necisarrily her body that grosses you out just the fact that she let 30 dudes rail her
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]lemonlollipop 9 points10 points11 points  (4 children)
    it wasn't 30, it was 2. also, unless he was a virgin when they married, his dick has been in other people too.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]itchassnigga -2 points-1 points0 points  (3 children)
    But women are the gate keepers to their privates, while guys actually have to work at getting laid. They have to seek and women are sought after. It seems like she just let anyone in back in her college days.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]lemonlollipop 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    her boyfriend and 1 other known partner?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Miss-adler 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Sure women can get laid without effort, but if you do that, the guys you will have sex with are trolls or absolute moron. To get the awesome guys you have to put on your A game.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]orangekitti 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Dude grow up. Women have to work at getting laid too-- I mean sure, most women can get laid by going up to a guy or two and asking for sex, but most women want to get laid by a guy they LIKE, or are at least attracted to and have chemistry with. Just because most women could have sex more easily than men can, doesn't mean they want to have sex with any guy who's available. It's not just the act of intercourse that matters, it's also about the choice of partner. Women don't have to be in love with the guy, but they don't wanna bang some rando just because they want a dick in them.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Shaquintosh 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
    how would you like to stick your dick in a hole that over 30 dudes came in?
    As much as I would like to stick it there in any other circumstance (maybe unless they just did it like, 30 minutes ago - I might be a little squeamish about that, but it's hard to know until the situation actually comes up). Though I usually like to think of my partners as somewhat more than just "a hole" to "stick [my] dick in".
    Would you use a buy a fleshlight from a used fleshlight salesmen?
    If you actually think comparing a relationship partner to a fleshlight is apt, I don't have enough common ground with you to continue this exchange.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Miss-adler 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I rose and started to clap loudly in my living room when reading your comment. You are a true gentleman !
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]not_rachel 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Wow, that's uncalled for.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Miss-adler 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Maybe saying shit like this is the reason you post on ForeverAlone that much...
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]littleln 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
    Personally I think the issue is that you have been with him for 5 years and never told him is the issue. That's a conversation you have 3 months in. Honestly, yes at 3 months in its still a "not really any of your business, BUT...." kind of thing, but that's really the time to get it out of the way, just in case the person you are dating is the type to care. Not to mention 5 years in... Seems like you might have been hiding it. Idk. Knowing my partners past is kind of important, of I find that out at the beginning I wouldn't care, but 5 years in? Id be pissed.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]facingthewinter 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Why would you want to know your partners sexual past? I'm all for knowing what they're into, likes/dislikes, weird fetishes, but actual descriptions of past sexual activities? No thanks. Consenting to a threesome is no different than consenting to any other sexual act. If it doesn't come up in the future, chances are that person isn't into it anymore and it has no reason to be brought up. If you're a person who's bothered by people doing certain sexual acts, it's your responsibility to ask if they've done them.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Goodmunone 8 points9 points10 points  (3 children)
    Whether you like it or not, your past does affect your present. If you had raped someone 10 years ago and your husband just found out from one of your friends, would it be OK for him to be upset then? What if you had sex for money/favors? Stabbed someone? Been triple penetrated repeatedly by your SO and others who are not your SO? Where is the arbitrary line in the sand where "it was in the past, it doesn't matter" applies? It looks like having multiple threesomes might be on the far side of your husbands line, which he is perfectly entitled to draw wherever he wants.
    As other's have mentioned, he might feel put down that you were willing to do certain things with your past SO and others who are even your SO that you won't do with him. The fact that he didn't hear it from you is also likely a major hurdle to clear. You can give him all the "it was the past" you like, but at the end of the day you have to explain to him why you didn't tell him first and then you can move on to how you've changed or whatever else.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]brosinski 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    How is a consensual threesome comparable to rape or prostitution?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]awickfield 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Maybe the line is drawn at whether it was illegal or not..?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]murphyfox 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    If you had raped someone 10 years ago and your husband just found out from one of your friends, would it be OK for him to be upset then? What if you had sex for money/favors? Stabbed someone? Been triple penetrated repeatedly by your SO and others who are not your SO
    How the actual fuck are rape and a consensual threesome in the same category?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]DifferentKindOfUser 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
    Sometimes it is hard for men to learn things like this about the person they love the most and have dedicated their lives to. I can understand it being a shock to learn these things.
    However, I feel your husband is being completely childish about this. He doesn't have a grip on his emotions and is lashing out at you by saying things like, "you repulse me". He married you for who you are, not who you were. For God's sake he didn't even know you. It was in your past and your business.
    Which leads me to your friend. What a shitty fucking thing to do. That was so inappropriate of them to do. Were they being vindictive? Not important, but just....damn.
    You may already know this, but you did absolutely nothing wrong. It was your life and your choices. I would even go as far to say that you shouldn't have regrets. Don't say things like you're "not a good person for keeping it from him". You had your fun, now you're a grown, mature woman. That's what matters.
    I would try and get your husband to talk about this. I know it's not easy, but it's not healthy to keep it inside. If he can't have a mature, rational conversation about this, and if he can't handle his emotions and this situation like the man you married him to be, then I would be disappointed in him as well. He's 34, not 3-4.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Crimson013 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
    First, agree about the "friend" 100%. at the same time, her husband is perfectly at liberty to decide if something upsets him or not. For some folks it could be any sex before marriage, for some it might be anal, for some it might be threesomes (such as OPs husband), some others may only get turned off by extreme shit.
    What if OP had engaged in a massive gangbang? Would her husband have the right then to be upset? At one point do his feelings become reasonable? Everybody's definition of extreme is different.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]murphyfox 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    Come on. Necrophilia isn't even in the same category as a threesome. It's not an extreme example, its a shitty example.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Crimson013 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Yea yea, it is. I'll come up with a better one.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ohboymameisgood 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    HAHAHAHHAH
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ITS_A_BADTIME_BOB 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I'm just going to offer my two cents. The biggest issue I see is why your friend would ever feel like it was okay to bring up your past sex life with your husband...That's not okay, and that is between you and your husband if you want to discuss it.
    However moving past that I think he may just be most upset about the fact that he now thinks all of your friends know about this part of your life and maybe he is uncomfortable with that?
    I think it may just take some time for him to come around. He may be more shocked about how it was revealed to him and he is obviously uncomfortable with the idea of you doing that. But if he is a reasonable guy and you have a fairly solid relationship then he probably just need some time to move past it. He's entitled to his own feelings/reaction as long as he isn't putting you down/insulting you about your past decision.
    And also it is completely fine that you didn't share this with him, you're not a bad person for keeping this a secret at all. Past sexual experiences are to be shared at your own accord, you don't need to share all the details. (especially a thing like this where some guys are not going to be comfortable with it)
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Hope_Burns_Bright 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I think that if we all judged eachother by what we did in college, especially as unfairly as he's judging you now, nobody would get along with anyone.
    College is a time for self exploration which, for a lot of people, includes sexual exploration. This shouldn't be news to him that you took some time to figure your sexual needs out during college; so many people have been there doing the same thing.
    Even if he's got a moral issue with threesomes, that was years ago. It has no bearing on who you are now and he needs to understand that. He wasn't entitled to this information either, so he can't fault you for not telling him about how you fooled around in college. Because why would you unless he asked? It's not pertinent to you guys and who you are now.
    He's definitely not handling this like an adult. I'm not sure whether you should give him space or help him grapple with this "world shattering revelation", but bottom line: he needs to get over it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]DontFreakOutBut 0 points1 point2 points  (6 children)
    a (now ex) friend of mine told my husband about a relationship I had in college. My husband knew about my college boyfriend, but obviously I didn't share intimate details about our sex life. Well... it came out that I used to engage in threesomes with him and his male roommate. Probably 12-15 in total, but all my husband knows is that it was 'more than once'.
    Alright, I get your position and the position of a lot of people in this thread - history should be history. That's logical, but emotions aren't.
    Think about this from your husbands perspective. He just found out that his wife, the woman he has devoted himself to, was routinely spit-roasted by a couple of guys she still regularly associates with a dozen or more times. He just got to have a face to face conversation with one of them about it. Wonderful.
    Flip the script - if he had two female friends that acted as a sexual harem for him 10 years ago and he still talked to one or more of them up until last week - and you just found out details about it last weekend, how would you feel?
    He may or may not get over it. It's an emotional reaction, and you can't force someone to feel the way you want them to. All you can do is explain, talk through it, and wait.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]awickfield 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
    An ex friend told him, not one of the guys she was doing it with.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]DontFreakOutBut -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
    While out last weekend for a friends birthday, a (now ex) friend of mine
    He's only an ex-friend because of this incident. Meaning up until last weekend they were still friends.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]awickfield 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    It was a FEMALE ex friend who WAS NOT one of the men involved.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]DontFreakOutBut -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    Got it. Edited.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]husbandhatesme[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    Holddddddd on. I don't associate with either of the people I used to have threesomes with. Haven't seen them in 8-9 years.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]DontFreakOutBut -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    Until last weekend?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]hedge05 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I just wanted to post that I had a similar experience to what your husband had. My wife had a boyfriend a long time ago that she engaged in a threesome with someone else. I did not find out from her but her ex-boyfriend, who was pissed at her for some reason, and he told me he and her use to have threesomes with another members, both male an female on several occasions.
    When I heard it, I was looking for any excuse to be mad. I could not get the images out of my head. I still loved my wife, I never stopped loving her, but the images and hearing it from someone else hurt.
    It took some time but eventually I realized it was in the past, why her boyfriend told me (he was an ass) and how it really did not matter because she was with me now and I can look past this if I really wanted to or not. I realized I partly liked being angry and that I had to stop because it was not healthy.
    You do not need to apologize because you did nothing wrong. Sitting down with him...asking him what he is feeling and how you can help is a good idea. That helped me. My wife just let me be and work through it. I am sure your husband will too.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]jj1224 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    This is tough. I sympathize with your predicament. The person who told your husband about this was a first class jerk.
    But let me tell you what it feels like as a man.
    You were his queen. His virgin. His beautiful princess. He'd understand if you didn't want to do 'everything' in bed. He'd understand if you didn't want sex for x or y reason. Because you're his true love.
    To feel this. To believe it in earnest. To put up with sexless periods in marriage. To accept that your wife won't 'do everything' for you. To accept that sometimes she just won't climax with you. To accept that sometimes she'd rebuff your advances. He accepted these things because he was under the impression that you were giving him your whole self. In word and in body.
    To accept all these truths and then to suddenly hear, from someone else that your wife wasn't the person you thought she was. To hear that she lied (by omission) about (example) 'not liking to go down on people' because she was willfully doing it with two men at once. To him, it feels as though you liked them more than you like him.
    To him, they were your princes. Your true loves. You gave them everything. Then you turned around and give him what was left. You don't want to do 'those' things with him, because 'those' things are reserved for them. This is how a part of him may feel. That when it comes to the holiest of all intimate bonds, you made that bond in such a free and open way with your other lovers, but you limit that expression with him. All the 'I love yous' that you've shared between you just feel like lip service to him. He feels duped. Like he's a sucker who fell for the con of the century. Sexually, this is like a nuclear bomb on his ego.
    He may also feel ashamed. It's shameful to hear from other people that your wife used to sleep around. (not judging you. again this is probably what he feels) That's the big splinter in your marriage: broken trust.
    You had every right to want to start a new life for yourself. It's commendable. It's really unfortunate that this part of your past was revealed and might railroad your marriage. However, you also need to realize that what he should do has been made incredibly difficult for him with what he knows.
    He should get over it. He should forgive and forget. He should realize that what he has is quite important: that what he's built with you isn't worth tearing down over this.
    But that's going to be tough. It's tough to imagine the love of your life with another man's d--k in her mouth and another man taking her from behind. 'Gee that's none of your business' isn't going to cut it here. He knows. The images are in his head. Never mind how or why. The question now isn't whether he should move past this, but rather, whether or not he can.
    Tell him that you did these things while you were younger. That you wanted to move forward. And that you're sorry for not at least giving him a heads-up. Give him space. Let him work through this. Eventually, you need to lay down the line. Admit that you regret not telling him what you did. Ask for his forgiveness and tell him that you want to move on.
    Put the ball in his court and wait and see.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Tinycowz 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Im sure his past is lily white to hmm? I dont get these men who think that if a girl is active they are sluts. And him saying you repulse him is the same thing. Im not telling you to leave him but if he cant love you for who you are, including your past, he isnt worth it imo.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Plush_Pineapple 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I don't think you're a bad person for not bringing it up. Frankly, it's none of his business. It was a long time ago and he needs to get over it. Everyone has things in their past, it's their right to not talk about those things if they don't want to.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]SkyLukewalker 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Isn't the worst part of this finding out that your husband's love is conditional? I mean, if something as trivial as a threesome (and it is trivial, no matter what the puritans of this subreddit think) is enough to make your husband question his commitment, then what was his commitment worth in the first place?
    "I'll only stay with you as long as it's easy and it doesn't threaten my incredibly fragile male ego."
    He's the one with a problem. He's got some serious insecurities and his whole reaction is overblown.
    Did he ever make it clear that his love and commitment to the marriage was dependent on an uptight, out-dated, sexual morality?
    Also, if the situations were reversed would he be ashamed for banging two chicks at once? Hell no.
    Your husband is being a sexist twat.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ilikecamelsalot 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    It's really none of his business what you did a DECADE ago.
    I would sit him down and tell him that you're sorry he's upset, but it has no ties to what is going on now. I don't see why he is upset, to be honest. I could see it maybe bothering him a bit but damn it was so long ago and you didn't even know each other.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Mattandsuch 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Why is it no one thinks anything through? And then you're a prude for being cautious.
    Anyway, /end soapbox. You need to confront him and speak about it. Chances are, if you explained as you explained it here, he'll probably feel more at ease about it.
    Also, look up the Madonna/Whore complex. A lot of guys have issues with it.
    In a sense, his image of you is shattered and now he's forced to rebuild it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]CSNX 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Was it wrong to keep this from him, probably, yes. I think ultimately that is a legitimate concern here, he is upset that you kept something like this from him.
    He can be upset with you for that, but not for your activity before you knew him. He probably wouldn't have been with you and married you if you hadn't changed. I think deep down he knows you're not that person, he's just upset that you withheld the information from him.
    Your past is in the past, you can not change it. If your husband seeks to hold blame over your activity of five years prior to meeting him, then he's not that great of a person.
    Yes that activity is risky, irresponsible, and so on, it's not our place to judge you on that, and it's really not fair for your husband to hold it over you.
    Ten years is a very long time and a person can change greatly, particularly maturing in "deviant/hedonistic" behaviors like you describe.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]MistressSparks 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I don't mean to offend, but he sounds like a huge crybaby. Does he feel because he's a man he gets a free pass to have done things he now regrets while you as a woman are supposed to remain pure and untainted or whatever misogynistic bull**** is floating around these days? I hope things go well for you OP, I realize even if I do not like your husband you still loved him enough to decide to marry him. Hopefully he will come to his senses and realize everyone has done things they regret.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Nekz77 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I understand where your husband is coming from. I would personally be disgusted with you too. Doing it once okay whatever but how would you feel if your husband came out tomorrow and said he use to do heroin and meth for a decade and didn't feel it was important to tell you. Actions have consequences if you want to sleep with every guy in college then that's your business but don't whine and moan that your husband has a problem with it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]_UsUrPeR_ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I have no idea how this information changes who you are to him.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Internet_Drifter 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Just to give you a positive perspective, I was tidying up my then-gf's stuff for her and accidentally found some pictures of her and her ex, you know, "bedroom" ones. She had done nothing wrong, I knew that, but it was like a brutal punch in the guts. I'd had sex before being with her, I knew she had too, but this was new information for my brain and I couldn't help how I reacted.
    She noticed pretty quickly something was up because I was not touching her in bed and practically had my head buried in the pillow. I told her what happened, she said they were old photos she didn't remember she even had. This was true, she was an amateur photographer and artist and she had loads of photos in boxes she hadn't opened in ages. She didn't mind me looking because she didn't realise these were there.
    Anyway, my point was that I loved her and didn't for a moment think she did anything wrong, but man was it emotionally harsh. If I found out that someone I loved had been in several threesomes with men then I would probably feel like absolute shit as my mind played out every horrific worst case scenario on a loop until I could assimilate what happened. I'd still love her though.
    Your husband just received an almighty kick in the gut, he might be trying to process this new information and feeling awkward around you. Some people will say he's being immature but sometimes you can't help how you react to something. Not everyone brushes off stuff like this like it's nothing. Yeah yeah everyone pretends to be super liberal but I doubt most people would brush this off like it was nothing. It doesn't imply a judgement of what you did, it's just harsh for some guys.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]garblegarble12 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Is your husband Indian? I get the feeling you're both Indian! Tell me if this is true.
    With Love from Mumbai.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 25 points26 points27 points  (57 children)
    People don't change THAT much. It could be that he just simply knows more about how you view sex now, and it may not be compatible with his own views. Pulling a three way with two dudes, 10-15 times? That's a whole lot of sucking and fucking. It shows a lot about how you like to be treated and what you crave. I honestly don't blame him for being creeped out about that.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]AmericanOutrage 12 points13 points14 points  (17 children)
    She said that her attitude about sex has changed since then. Just because she liked it then doesn't mean she likes it now.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC -4 points-3 points-2 points  (16 children)
    I really don't think people change THAT much in a few years.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]catjuggler 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
    It's not a few years, it's a decade. It's 1/3 of her life and basically her entire adult life. I'm the same age as OP and I'm definitely not the same person I was in college.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]AmericanOutrage 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
    Yes, they do. Your 20s are a time to experiment sexually. Your 30s are not.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC -3 points-2 points-1 points  (2 children)
    You don't suddenly grow up at 30. :)
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]AmericanOutrage 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    But your sexual preferences do change.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Do they truly change, or do you just learn to accept them?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]CandyAppleRedZoom 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
    HA! Take any 19 year old and introduce them to their 29 year old self and THEN tell me people don't change. THAT IS ALL YOU DO AT THAT AGE!
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
    Only to an extent. The same values you have at 19 remain with you throughout your life. At 19, I was the same basic person I am now (I'm 46). I had already built my basic persona, my personality, and most of my values. I went to college too (including grad school). I never did drugs or things that I would be ashamed to tell my wife about. I did have some sex with a few girls, but I didn't do anything I felt the need to hide.
    I never cheated, because even at 19, I was anti-cheating. I think people use this "I changed" thing like they do the "I was blackout drunk" thing on here. I really don't think people change that much.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]CandyAppleRedZoom 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    I dont agree with that at all. In the slightest. You assume everyone is like you, which is ignorant. You are the barometer for change. Agree to disagree.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Yes, I can agree to disagree here. And yes, I have to base my answers on my experiences here. And my answer is only one among MANY on this forum. She should read and consider them all equally.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LickADickASaurus 3 points4 points5 points  (6 children)
    Its been a decade since OP was in college
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC -3 points-2 points-1 points  (5 children)
    A decade really isn't that long. But, again, the decision is her husband's to make. He has learned something about his wife that bothers him. You can argue about how it shouldn't bother him all day long, but it DOES bother him.
    He now knows what she did in the past. It is a big pill to swallow.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LickADickASaurus 0 points1 point2 points  (4 children)
    There's a huge difference between someone in college (18-22/23) and someone in their late 20s early 30s.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
    In what way? I'm 46. Although I have gained experience, my values and personality have changed very little. Experience has made me more of an adult, but at no point have I ever sacrificed who I was, or my core beliefs and values, for sex or drugs or any other such thing. A college student is an adult and can make adult decisions.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LickADickASaurus 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
    College students are definitely adults that can make adult decisions but they lack the maturity to make the best decisions at times. I kinda get the feeling OP is being slut shamed by her husband for experimenting in college but he has the right to have deal breakers. It just seems cruel to me to judge someone based on consensual things they did in a time in their life before they had the maturity and experience to know better but to each their own.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
    I think perhaps we don't completely disagree on this. Making the decision to have a threeway is something many people would do. Making the decision to have an ongoing threeway over the course of what I assume is several months, is totally different. It shows that she liked the openness of an open relationship and valued that feeling. She enjoyed taking on two guys at once enough to want to repeat that for perhaps 15 times? Now her husband is doubting if she is the person he thought she was. A stupid drunk night is one thing. Months of the same is totally different.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LickADickASaurus 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    ok this does make more sense to me the way you explained it. I didn't think about the open relationship part of it. Well I hope the best for OP and hope they can talk through this.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]husbandhatesme[S] 13 points14 points15 points  (9 children)
    Most times there was drugs or alcohol involved. It's not something I'd EVER want to do at this age. Like I said, it was a lifetime ago.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 5 points6 points7 points  (6 children)
    Ten years isn't a "lifetime ago." In reality, it really isn't that long. I'm not slut shaming you here. What I'm saying is that this information can really mess with a person's view of their SO. If my wife thought I had sex with two women before her, then after years of marriage found out I was actually a male prostitute in college, she would have every reason to be creeped out about it and see me in a different way.
    It's not about gender or "the past is the past". It's about finding out the person you are married to is perhaps not who you thought she/he was.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]IShouldBeGradingNow 2 points3 points4 points  (4 children)
    When you're 30, it absolutely is a lifetime. Ten years ago, I was in fourth grade, and now I'm graduating college in three months. Ten years from now, I'll probably have a masters degree and a kid or two. If you dropped 11-year-old me, 21-year-old me, and 31-year-old me in a room together, the only thing they'd have in common was their memories.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
    Hmmm, I don't think so. Your values, your personality, etc. will be the same. At 46, I am the same basic person I was at 19. I didn't sacrifice my beliefs then and don't now. I never did anything in college (including grad school) that I would be ashamed of telling my wife about. I have always been open about my actions.
    If your three selves met, you would all be the same person, just at different ages.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ditto_ditto 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
    Just because you haven't grown or changed as a person doesn't mean nobody else does.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    I don't think most people do. Yes, you growup and learn from mistakes, but your core values don't tend to change that much.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]rockmediabeeetus 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Ten years ago, OP would be 21. You change a lot between the ages of 21 and 31.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]OSOSpecial 42 points43 points44 points  (10 children)
    That's a whole lot of sucking and fucking. It shows a lot about how you like to be treated and what you crave.
    You mean she likes sex, and that's something to be creeped out by? This is 2015. We don't shame women for liking sex anymore.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]polarpolarpolar 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
    Okay then she should have been open with her sexual history instead of hiding it. Shame isn't the same as being uncomfortable, which (most will disagree here) a man has a right to feel. And if he is so affected, she deserves someone who is more open to her attitude.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TX-SC 6 points7 points8 points  (7 children)
    Gender has nothing to do with it. I would say the same thing to a guy. If a woman came on here creeped out that her husband was into gangbangs in college, I'd tell her the same thing.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]OSOSpecial 7 points8 points9 points  (4 children)
    Why the hell would you shame ANYONE for sex? You're right, gender doesn't matter. Stop being so hateful. The past is the past.
    If you're going to judge people based on who they were when they were learning, not who they are now all grown up, you might as well be pissed at her for shitting her pants in public. Because she did that when she was 3. You should shame her for picking her boogers and eating them. Because she did that when she was 7.
    I mean, are you going to go through someone's entire history and judge them for every single thing they ever did before you?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]SHITPOST_CRUSADE 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
    Bad comparison. Children do not make the conscious decision to shit their pants, or to pick up the habit of munching boogers. If a young adult enters a sexual encounter with multiple people, it is a conscious decision (hopefully).
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]OSOSpecial 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    Children do not make the conscious decision to shit their pants, or to pick up the habit of munching boogers.
    Yes they do. If my three year old does not want to be out in public anymore, he will poop his pants and say that it is time to go home. Children also decide to pick their boogers and eat them. No one forces them to do it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]codeverity 10 points11 points12 points  (2 children)
    It shows a lot about how you like to be treated and what you crave.
    You mean that OP enjoys sex? Because that's really all that says about her.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]midwestwatcher 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
    Just don't ever join a parole board.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]anywayzz 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    People are very capable of change, especially over the course of a decade. Also, just because she was open to threesomes with these guys doesn't mean she automatically wants to invite someone else to bed with her and her husband. That's a very different level of commitment than a college boyfriend.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]passingby90 14 points15 points16 points  (24 children)
    If this is a deal breaker for him (I know it would for me), you're going to have to accept any decision he makes. I think that, even though this is a closed chapter for you, you should have told him. That being said, if stuff like this is so important for your husband, he should have asked you about it at some point.
    I'm a woman and I've had very few partners, no one-night stands and nothing remarkable (like threesomes, bisexual relationships, etc.), and I like my partners to be like me. When I start seeing somebody and before I decide whether they're eligible for a long-term relationship, I ask them about their past. If they've been with many more women than I have with men, they're out. Your husband should have done the same about 4.5 years ago.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Bigbodyburb 11 points12 points13 points  (3 children)
    As a devoted husband of 18 years, I can only offer my take. Personally, the things you did 10 years ago has no bearing on the relationship now. I'm sure he has a past as well, most people do. The point is, so what? He should love you for the person he fell in love with, not the actions that were made years before he was in the picture. That's like him getting upset you peed your pants when you were 2.
    You two definitely need to sit down and chat, but make it clear that it's not who you are.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ohboymameisgood 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
    Sure they do. "Born again" people make me laugh. People don't change that much. In fact, it's even more insulting when they try to pull "I'm a different person" on you, because now, on top of everything else, you know they're liars.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Bigbodyburb 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    So you are exactly how you were in highschool? I find that hard to believe. People change, pick up new habits, drop old habits.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]jons_throwaway 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I will be very upset if I ask my wife for a sexual act. For her to tell me no and then later find out that she's done it numerous times with multiple partners. I would be upset over that.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]orangekitti 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
    I know I'm not a good person for keeping this from him
    I don't see it that way, OP. I think if you two were discussing doing a threesome, or discussing your sexual histories in depth, you'd have an obligation to tell him. But otherwise, I don't think he should be so upset. Actually, I think he has a lot of nerve being upset with you over something that happened soooo long before you met him.
    If he wanted someone who didn't have a sexual past, he should have married a virgin. I can understand that some people aren't comfortable with certain sexual acts, but if it was a big deal to him that's something he should have asked you about while you were still dating.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]mdh217 6 points7 points8 points  (23 children)
    I am shocked you are both in your 30s. Both of you are reacting wildly inappropriately for either adult or a married couple. So first, you both should get over yourselves and get your heads straight.
    First you, OP. Yes, it's none of his business either way. However, why are you feeling any type of shame or judgement? Why do you or anyone else think it's appropriate to be shamed for making decisions you no longer agree with? You talk about that time as full of regrets, but you shouldn't. You are wiser and stronger because of a life lived, not shamed and put in a box because of it. You first need to realize that it is only your opinion about that time that matters, and holding on to guilt, shame, and regret will only waste time that you could be focusing on the positive.
    As to your husband: someone needs to put on their big girl panties. "Sweetheart, I know you are in shock and reacting accordingly, but grow up. I didn't do anything to, with, against, for, or about you, and you turning a situation about me coping poorly in my life into how it impacts you is terribly self-centered and unbecoming. Why does it matter to you what I did 10 years ago, and why do you think you have a right to make your wife feel worse about herself?"
    OP, turn the conversation around. You do not owe him any more of an apology then maybe how you told him and it could gave been done more delicately. You have nothing in your past that would jeapordize this marraige, and if it is in jeapordy there is a lot more wrong with your marraige than you having some exciting sex 10 years ago. It's probably the sexism, slut shaming, immature silent-treatment, poor communication, and imbalance of power in your relationship causing the real problems.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]itchassnigga 12 points13 points14 points  (22 children)
    getting fucked by 3 dudes 10-15 times, probably more.
    she doesn't tell him
    you are posting shit like "It's probably the sexism, slut shaming, immature silent-treatment, poor communication, and imbalance of power in your relationship causing the real problems"
    you are putting the blame on him, when he is getting grossed out about his wife getting gang banged? Like he has no feelings, and should just accept everything she does? "but tha past is tha pst" with that logic she could have killed her baby 15 years ago but it doesn't matter now because it's in the past =).
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]kasira 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    It was sex between consenting adults, before she ever met him. Not murdering a fucking child. What the fuck, dude.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]BabaOrly 4 points5 points6 points  (5 children)
    Fucking lots of people is not like murder. And would you say that if the shoe was on the other foot and he had fucked a lot of people in his past and didn't tell her?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]OSOSpecial 4 points5 points6 points  (5 children)
    you are putting the blame on him, when he is getting grossed out about his wife getting gang banged?
    It's none of his business what she did before the relationship. He has no reason to be grossed out by it, because it's just sex. If you once got fucked in the ass by a man just to try it, are you going to tell everyone you date? Are you going to just accept it when they leave you because of it? Should that really have an impact on the rest of your life?
    Like he has no feelings, and should just accept everything she does?
    He doesn't have to accept it because there's nothing to reject. It happened before the relationship. It's over now. It has nothing to do with him or his relationship.
    with that logic she could have killed her baby 15 years ago but it doesn't matter now because it's in the past =).
    Exactly. Many women have abortions, and many women don't tell their future partners because it is irrelevant to the relationship and no one's business but her's. A man is not entitled to know everything that I have done before the relationship happened. Just like I would not expect you to tell me about the phase you went through where you picked your boogers and ate them. Because that's none of my business.
    If you are going to judge someone based on who they WERE when they were young and learning, and not who they ARE now after growing up, you will never find someone who you love and respect.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ohboymameisgood 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
    Actually, it is your spouse's business.
    You're a joke.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]midwestwatcher 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
    and many women don't tell their future partners because it is irrelevant to the relationship and no one's business but her's.
    Oh Lord, that's not how marriages work. Emotional intimacy demands unconditional honesty. It's not about judgment at all. It's so sad young people wall off a part of themselves from their spouse and call that a victory. Please rethink this.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]stuffiwant 4 points5 points6 points  (7 children)
    It seems to me like your husband isn't a cuck. You've fucked multiple men at the same time, and you expect him to see you in the same loving way he did before?
    Lets be honest, you only came to reddit for self assurance that you did nothing wrong when you know that he's better off with someone that views relationships and sex in the same way that he does.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]brosinski 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
    How does engaging in a threesome 5 years before they met make her husband a cuckold now? I've had sex with multiple women at a time, does that mean that no woman will ever love me now?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]enoahballard 13 points14 points15 points  (15 children)
    Honestly your behaviour sounds cheap.
    How can you expect other men to treat you with respect when you didn't treat yourself with respect?
    Imagine if you had found out that when your husband was younger he used to take out all his dates to lovely restaurants, took them on vacation, cooked delicious meals for them, did a nice surprise for them every fortnight, etc. even when those girls didn't really like him or treated him as inconsequential, but when he met you all he did was stay in and watch Netflix and play videogames and smoke weed with you despite you loving him and putting in the effort and making the emotional commitment to have a serious relationship together. Wouldn't that feel insulting? Wouldn't that basically be him saying that he saw you as less of a worthwhile woman?
    Why would he feel happy about putting the effort in of having a serious relationship when you used to jump into bed with other men whom you weren't even in a relationship with? Why would he feel happy about the fact that you used to let other guys throat-sex you because you saw them as manly enough that you wanted to do that for them, but with him you turn him down?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]andsoitgoes__ 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    Is having a threesome something that you do for your partner to please him? And I always thought that sex should also be something that you enjoyed and that you were allowed to change your opinion about the things you like and are willing to do. I guess I was wrong then.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]BabaOrly 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    Where does it say she turns him down?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–][deleted]  (5 children)
    [deleted]
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]GFfan123 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
      Oh look, here comes the white-knight brigade!
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]CSNX 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      Why would he feel happy about putting the effort in of having a serious relationship when you used to jump into bed with other men whom you weren't even in a relationship with?
      Because it was five years prior to them even meeting, and she had clearly changed to be a person that he was interested in forming a loving relationship with.
      The past is the past, mistakes happen, poor judgement happens. You're acting like that period in her life will define her for the rest of it, and it won't.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]Shaquintosh 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
      How can you expect other men to treat you with respect when you didn't treat yourself with respect?
      I don't know why having threesomes = not treating yourself with respect.
      What about having threesomes indicates that somebody doesn't respect their bodies?
      Why would he feel happy about the fact that you used to let other guys throat-sex you
      TIL "throat-sex" is a verb.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]La_Fee_Verte 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      are you the husband? Your one-comment history points this way...
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]obscurityknocks 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
      He needs to get over it. If he divorces you, he'll have a hell of a time finding someone who has a sexual history he'll approve of, which, by the way, is only his business if his partner wants to share it.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]colorbend 3 points4 points5 points  (13 children)
      I raped about 15 girls before we met honey, but its okay. That was in the past and does NOT define who I am now! Love me for me!
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]SrrBrrGrr 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
      yo go gurl! gurl pwr!
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]funchy 3 points4 points5 points  (12 children)
      I feel it's not his business what you did before you met him. That was before him. He should be judging you based on who you ARE, not on some stories from years before. It's not like you're a serial killer or whatever. You did nothing wrong! What -- did he think you were a virgin on the wedding night?
      He could argue that you were wrong for hiding this. But the way I see it, that sort of stuff is optional to share. As long as you disclosed std status and number of kids, that's all you should have to disclose.Maybe you even sensed he might overreact because of his opinions on these things.
      Marriage is for better or worse, till death do us part. There's nothing in there about "unless we discover something about spouses past we aren't comfortable with". He needs to get over his surprise and move on with his life. He's an adult. He needs to accept that adults explore their sexuality. Is this because you're a woman and he's one of those who slut shame any woman who is sexually liberated?
      Stop apologizing to him or anyone. Stop being mad at yourself.
      Give him a day or two to think. Then he really ought to go back to normal. You may need to sit down with him and talk about why this was so upsetting. Does he feel jealous? Threatened? Insecure?
      If you would like more support especially from a woman's perspective, you might want to post on /r/twoXChromosomes?
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]itchassnigga 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
      If you would like more support especially from a woman's perspective
      oh god
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]midwestwatcher 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
      I feel it's not his business what you did before you met him.
      After a few decades I just have to say: this is not how marriage works. It's a new idea that's cropped up with young people, and I've seen it bring things down. I imagine some young people are needlessly ashamed of their previous exploits (we did worse), and don't want to discuss it with their partner. Well, let me tell you, it comes up eventually. You owe your partner your past, and you owe yourself the ability to be the one to tell them about it.
      It's not about judgment. It's about emotional intimacy.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]codeverity 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
      I would give your husband some space and then sit down and try and talk to him about it. Hopefully he can get past his initial reaction and realise that your past is just that - the past - and the two of you can move past it. I think his reaction is very extreme and unfair to you.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]fear_of_government 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      I was in a similar boat. My wife kept things from her past a secret to me. She would fabricate answers when we would talk about our past. Recently, she came out with the whole truth and it really upset me. Part of the reason is because from the getgo I told her I don't believe in lies and am a brutally honest person. She said she didn't say the whole truth because she, like you, was a different person when she went to college and is ashamed of what she did.
      To me, what hurt the most was finding out that she still kept things from me. I have been completely open about my past. And then I felt cheated. I was a late bloomer and didn't have the opportunities she did and so I also felt envious/jealous. I haven't been with many partners(~10) and to find out that she had over 35 really bugged me. It still does, but we made a commitment to ourselves and I love her very much.
      I would say give it a bit more time and then do your best to have a civil conversation with him. He might be feeling what I felt and is probably questioning everything. Avoid the conversation becoming hostile. He has to realize that it's your past, not the present or the future. I'm assuming you're a different person now, for the better I hope.
      Trust might be broken. I would say with good reason. I truly feel you shouldn't keep things about yourself to yourself and not share it with your spouse, no matter how embarrassed or shameful it is to you.
      Maybe start with, " I would like to talk to you..." And see what happens. Just don't be defensive and understand that he's probably hurting.
      My wife and I have been through a lot, but with good communication and understanding of how each other feels, you can overcome almost anything
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]RossBoss95 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      Reading the entire threads who support this woman makes me really sad about current society.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]astrostrawberry -1 points0 points1 point  (21 children)
      Honestly, I don't think you've done anything wrong and if this (something that occurred when he wasn't in your life whatsoever) is a deal breaker for him then you are better off. He's being a childish idiot about it. The past was meant to stay in the past and I don't believe you were obligated to talk to him about your sexual exploits with previous partners. The way he is acting is ridiculous. I understand he may be bothered by it but wow, handle it like a man, dude.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]husbandhatesme[S] 23 points24 points25 points  (6 children)
      I'm not "better off" without him. This is the man I love, we've built a life together. A divorce would completely ruin my life.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]troawayman2 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
      Well. You probably need to give him a bit of space to process this. Let him know that you love and desire him. And that when he's ready to talk about this, you'll be there.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]deejay1974 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      I understand why you feel that way, but if he isn't just talking out of shock - if he really could be permanently repulsed by you as a result of this - then he never loved the real whole-person you. If he did, it couldn't be blown away by the fact that you had your ladybits touched by two people at once. That one factoid could not obliterate all the things I presume he's told you he loved, like your personality and sense of humour and whatever else.
      If that's the case - and I do say, if (because I would give him some time for the dust to settle and for him to wrap his head around this) - then actually you are better off without him. You deserve to find someone who sees your worth in you and not in what's been in your vagina. It will feel like shit if it happens, for quite a while, but ultimately you will be loved again, and loved more fully.
      I hope that's not the case and he can process this and see you in full focus again. I'd like to think he can. Good luck.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]troawayman2 2 points3 points4 points  (8 children)
      handle it like a man, dude.
      Explain. Step by step how he should handle it. Rather than "get over it" and repress how he's feeling. How should he go about it?
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]Shaquintosh 0 points1 point2 points  (5 children)
      There are literally millions of written guides about how to handle emotional upset over things you can't change, all over the internet and in bookstores. Nobody needs to go about typing a new one here.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]troawayman2 1 point2 points3 points  (4 children)
      Only things that come up when googling "how to get over promiscuous past" are dudes asking the question and others saying "It's your issue! You should be lucky!"
      Barely anything useful.
      Maybe I should bing it. Or Ask Jeeves
      ▲
      ▼
      [–][deleted]  (3 children)
      [deleted]
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]calkey83 1 point2 points3 points  (30 children)
        I went through the same thing with my wife, I found out she had a threesome with two guys who were cousins. It hit me pretty hard, I didn't want to feel like I was tricked into settling for the town pump. I felt like I was the special choosen one when we got married and that plenty of guys had tried to get what they wanted from her but failed. But then hearing two guys tossed her around and did what they wanted with her and treated her like a lil slut fuck doll. I couldn't get the image out of my head, and then thinking all these guys are laughing at me for actually marrying the girl they did with what they wanted and tossed her. Knowing your girl got double teamed is tough for most guys to take, cause all you picture is your girl letting two guys rotate eiffel towering her. A man's pussy is sacred to him, at least in his mind, and you went from being an exotic Bentley GT which few people have experienced to being a used Honda Civic with 200,000 miles on it in his eyes. And the worst part is he heard from your EX!
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]Teafairy 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
        If the worst part really was hearing it from her ex you'll be relieved to re read and realise he had heard it from an ex-friend not an ex-SO.
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]codeverity 22 points23 points24 points  (4 children)
        "A man's pussy"? Seriously? A woman is not "your pussy".
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]married_jane 11 points12 points13 points  (2 children)
        Ex friend
        So on top of being a misogynist pile of shit, you apparently can't read either.
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]awickfield 14 points15 points16 points  (20 children)
        This is horrible, and this comment belongs about 50 years in the past. God just reading this comment made me feel nauseous. This must be a troll
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]jons_throwaway 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
        He probably feels like you did more things with them then with him. Feels left out.
        He should have heard it from you. Ask him to talk and tell him everything.
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]BizSib 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
        First of all, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Threesomes are like the lowest end of the "crazy sex" spectrum.
        Second of all, apologize one time, explain yourself if you feel it's necessary, and then let him deal with the rest. Don't keep apologizing, don't cry that you regret it, just let him be a grump. If he comes to you about it again, say, "I've apoloized, but I can't change the past. come talk to me once you're ready to be an adult." Then wait him out. If it's a dealbreaker, there's nothing you can do about that. Maybe you can find someone who won't shame you for exploring your sexuality (and maybe someone who you can explore it with further!)
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]Thornnuminous 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        You didn't do anything wrong. Everything you've done up to this point has helped you become the person you are today, the person he swore to love and be with.
        That he can't understand this is deeply unfortunate, but his emotions and feelings of being 'repulsed' are not your fault, or your responsibility.
        They are his.
        Don't let his inability to cope change who you are or diminish your wonderful qualities.
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]Tychussc 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
        Give him time, it might even take a few weeks or more, but he will come around. Right now he just has this image of you being treated like some kind of fucktoy by 2 guys, he will get over it.
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]humbleservantginger 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
        Regardless, I know my husband sees me in a totally different light
        That's because you have not been upfront about who you are, you should have had the decency to be open about past behaviour that men don't consider marriage material. However the husband is also to blame for not doing his research on your past and character.
        I was drinking every weekend, doing recreational drugs every month, partying, having casual flings - just like everyone else at that age.
        I don't think so. However if this is the case then marriage rates are going to decline even more.
        Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2015 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
        REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
        π Rendered by PID 8736 on app-101 at 2015-03-20 15:25:51.416865+00:00 running e929f24 country code: DE.
        0%
         
        10%
         
        20%
         
        30%
         
        40%
         
        50%
         
        60%
         
        70%
         
        80%
         
        90%
         
        100%