TL;DR: I divorced, I moved out, here's a list of a few things I would NOT be able to complete while in marriage, never ever. In other news, water is wet.

Borderline Personality Disorer

First of all, I was so enmeshed in that toxic relationship, I was unable to see the whole forest, I just saw the trees. Maybe not the trees. Branches, leaves even. Every single leaf.

It is said that every single woman has BPD traits, as BPD seems to be something at the hard core end of the "female spectrum". Go read some Shari Schreiber articles here: http://www.sharischreiber.com/needlove.html . Remember that Shari is a post-wall woman, who may have a thing or two against other women because of her childhood (shot article about absent father also available on her webpage). Generally, this was another situation in my life when I read about my life in someone else's book.

I am not sure if I am a narcissist or BPD or both or just having some traits. I am not sure if ex wife is BPD. But, articles on Shari's page strangely match everything that happened.

I am not sure how much was she fucked up before relationship with me (I have some hints, that she was very badly fucked up), I am not sure how much a relationship with me fucked her up. But, you may be the best motherfucker of all MERPs, more muscles than GLO, more manhood than whinemoreplease (RIP), more wisdom than Bluepillproffessor. BUT - if your wife is fucked up in the head, there is no MAP or dread level that can fix it.

You can only MAP yourself well enough so you can leave and swim in the fresh pussy.

If your wife of all the men available chosen a fat, unavailable, overworking, smoking alcoholic for a father of her children... go figure. That's on me. If that unavailable piece of shit, swimming in dept, suddenly stopped drinking, started therapy, started having friends, started paying mortgage, started improving... and that woman starts having tingles against someone else... that's on her. That's fucking on her.

Every single time I was available to her, she decided to find something extramarital. Every time I was unavailable to her, either when I fucked my mistress or overworked, she was a decent woman and decided to chase me or give me sex. Go figure.

But no, I am not theultmatecad. I decided to divorce and move out.

Being a codependent beta husband to an addict

Long distance relationships are an addiction. Facebook + tingles from Messenger is an addiction. Cheating is an addiction, no matter emotional or not (I'd say that a girl having a drunken ONS is way better than a girl having 15-month tingle-generating LDR without actually having). Don't tolerate this, don't fix this, just understand she is an addict, just LEAVE. Don't be a codependent me.

Triangulation in BPD/NPD relationships is a known fact. A dog, an emotional affair, an addiction.

She had all the knowledge available to start doing something useful with her life. She chosen the easy way, years ago. She had to go. This is where we part our ways, because we're done.

I like improvement. She likes TV. She chosen not to take my lead. Maybe that's on me, maybe she saw me as a shitty leader - maybe all those years of me being a poor quality male made that, so even if I started improving, this was way too late for her to change her perspective on me. Maybe that's the case. What can I do about this? Nothing. I can only go forward, stop every addictive activity and replace it with a healthy one, I can only go this direction, rebuild myself. This direction included divorcing, giving her one more chance to fix her stuff and move out.

Stop looking for validation

My current FWB knows shit about my work, my money, my plans. This means both things. First thing, she looks for non-verbal cues on the topic of me being an alpha or not. Second, there is absolutely NO POINT to talk with her about those things. See recent MRP threads, comments from TFA or abdada. Just stop looking for validation.

I would not be able to complete this step without divorce and move. There was that single day that I just said to myself "fuck it, I don't owe anybody anything" and went to have fun at the aqua park. I understood that I was THIS STUPID for coming with every single fucking cool thing I discovered to a woman for validation. MOMMY HAVE YOU SEEN THAT COOL PIPE AT THE POOL. Fuck that shit. Just stop that. MOMMY WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO WITH ME ON THAT COOL TRIP TODAY. Fuck that, I'm going without mommy, I'll have more fun. LOOK MA, NO HANDS - never again.

Honey, did you cum yet?

Adult children of alcoholics, BPD women, woman that has a weaksauce man, any woman that despises men by default since childhood (abusive father maybe), any woman with head sick enough will NOT orgasm with you, no matter what you do to yourself or to her. And, she will consciously try to emasculate you using this fact BUT ONLY IF YOU CARE.

Maybe she already has you classified as a betamax and will never ever change her perspective on you. This means she will not cum. No matter what you do to her or to yourself.

So, basically, my suggestion is DON'T CARE IF SHE ORGASMS. BUT don't be an asshole either. Don't be an asshole - if your sexual intercourse is 30 seconds or less this probably means you have some unresolved emotional regrets against your woman, this is a passive-aggressive behavior. Fuck her good for your OWN sake. But for God's sake, just fucking STOP ASKING HER IF SHE CAME. If you are able to sustain 10-15 minutes of pounding and she sees you as a manly man who she surrendered to and she has her head in order, she will cum. If she does not have her head in order, just FUCK IT, go caveman on her, do it for yourself, just understand that she will not cum no matter what you do, stop looking for G spot, stop buying dildos, she will not cum. As long as you're having fun with her, just fucking IGNORE that.

If she is a decent woman, she will react to 12 levels of dread, maybe she will fuck you because you are attractive, maybe she will fuck you because she is afraid to loose you - BPP already analyzed that. And, you can't negotiate attraction never ever.

If she is sick in the head and she will not cum, just get over it, fuck her hard for your own sake, just ignore that. There is NOTHING you can do about it. If this is so important to you, get another woman, get a mistress - just like I did, after 1.5 yrs of hearing that my dick was small. Maybe for my BPD wifey it was, but guess what, mistress did not have problems cumming, twice in a row, during half an hour or so. Am I a great lover? Maybe I am, maybe I am not, this fact does not say anything about my qualities, this fact says all about HOW WAS I PERCEIVED BY THOSE TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN. One of them knew me longer, one of them knew a new and updated TRP version of me. One of them came. One of them never ever had a vaginal orgasm with me.

Asking if she cum, asking for her N-count, asking her about your dick, everything in this box screams INSECURITY.

Also, she can say anything - do you believe her? Do you really believe her, especially when you raise dread level or improve MAP and she wants to undermine that because she feels insecure?

Don't talk

Just don't. Verbal intercourse is optional. I like to talk or go to a cafe between sex with my FWB. Sex is the base layer. Everything else is optional. But guess what, FWB seems to be a decent girl, I like to have fun with her, maybe we'll go social, because why not. There are some things I need to do in between.

Talking emotional, sharing my deep thoughts, no, that's not the proper way. Being an interesting guy - that's another thing.

Attraction is NOT built by deep emotional talks. Attraction is non-negotiable.

Don't listen to her words

FWB said sex with me was great. I felt anger. Today I understood why. I did not act on this.

My mother was a codependent to my alcoholic father. I guess I was both enmeshed, husband replacement and all of that pathology that you can have with a fucked up woman in a fucked up marriage. I guess my mother fucking manipulated me since my childhood, manipulated the way I felt about my own value as a carrot and a stick.

So, when I hear "you're a great dude" from a girl, I feel anger. And I have a legitimate reason to feel it. My experience with women, especially with that first and most important woman in my life says this is a manipulation. This has NOTHING to do with that particular girl, this has everything to do with my approach to my life, emotions and with my manipulative mother.

There is an easy way. Don't listen to her words. Look at her actions.

Every single time I text my FWB to come to me ("for the tea" - plausible deniability FTW), every single time she finds time for me, she gets into her car, she rings my doorbell.

I don't need any other proof. She really does like me now. I like her. I like sex with her and I believe I can take it to the new heights, just because she is receptive.

Someday this will change. But, I will never ever ask her if she likes me. I ask her to come to my flat instead. Yes, she does like me.

But, I will NEVER EVER allow a woman to manipulate my self-worth with her words. And, this is what I allowed in my marriage. This was a terrible giving up of my power.

Improve - a reminder to myself

Would I rather fuck HB4 or HB9? Would I rather fuck a HB8 with BPD or HB6 without BPD?

I decide I stop being a passive-aggressive, procrastinating pussy. World needs me, world needs my healthy body, my intelligent head, my high-quality professional services. And, what about all those poor women who want to fuck a BETTER male? Why not give it to them? Merps need quality posts, especially now, when some of the pillars left. My 3 boys need a healthy father. My FWB needs some dick, maybe I find time today to give her mine.

Sometimes staying in a relationship is a very, very evil option, that will bring more pain and no gain. Note to self.

Take care, guys. Thank you for everything.