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LateStageCapitalism

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This sub is for:
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submitted by AngryDM
This may be a long post. It may not seem like it at first, but this is very relevant to late stage capitalism.
Without giving away too much personal information, I have an ongoing medical disability that marked the end of my employable years. This took years of life-halting agony, terrifying sudden attacks of said illness that would leave me curled up on the floor, weeping and vomiting, waiting for ambulance rides that costed thousands of dollars each, ininsured, to see emergency room doctors that had somewhat-more-waivable fees, only to be turned down again and again for anything but medication that was, at best, a temporary relief, IF I could keep it down.
I was told by local clinics and doctors that there was NOTHING they could do, and in one case "It's in god's hands", which is a cynical way of saying "you have no medical insurance and corrective surgery would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars." The way medical people would carefully evade mentioning WHY "there was nothing they could do" grew more apparent and horrifying over time.
I took a longshot chance and applied for disability during this increasingly disabling period. After two rejections and hiring a lawyer, I finally saw the inside of a courtroom and put a human face and a lot of pain and hardship forward that sheets of paper could not express.
The timing of the urgent need for surgery coincided with the end of a years-long legal struggle to have that disability legally recognized. Because of that, I dodged a bullet the size of a freight train. There's no way I'd be alive today if I didn't have the disability and Medicare-covered surgery when I did, and I could not have access to that surgery if it weren't for a few fraying strands of what's left of the social safety net.
End result: I live. I can function in limited ways, but I am unable to do any "profitable" work, and even if I could, the entire infrastructure of work-while-disabled programs locally are cynical right-wing trapdoors designed to remove people from disability payments entirely. It would be criminal if laws had a conscience.
I live extremely frugally. This computer, old and getting older, is the one outstanding luxury I afford myself. I have relatives I'm barely in contact with that complain about how little they have when their income is ten times mine, and then snidely complain that I have it too good. My significant other works tirelessly, often all day, and one of the few things I can do for her is offer massages for constant backaches and stress-related fatigue.
She wants to start a family, but I look ahead into the future and feel crushed. What future would that child have? What could I possibly provide other than the local stigma of that kid coming from a poor family, being mocked and bullied for it? Will WIC be cut next? Or food stamps? Or will Social Security/Medicare be "privatized"?
My health is middling. I am temporarily immobilized for medical reasons, so exercise is very difficult. The only medical care I can get takes months to secure an appointment, with a cynical "one problem per visit" policy that I only learned about through a social worker, but that was my day to day experience.
In summary: I feel crushed. I know I'm a "burden" because I didn't win the genetic (or financial) lottery when I was born. The reminders are everywhere, both publically and from my biological family. Christmas, and other get-togethers, are framed in a "did you bootstrap yourself back to work yet?" asked by elderly people that watch too much Fox News and are cheering on Trump in hopes of sticking it to "those dirty Mexicans and welfare queens" with me in earshot.
I hold out vague dreams of being a writer, and have completed one novel with another on the way, but that's not capitalistically viable. If I churned out some kinky monster-fetish schlock or wrote harlequin romances, maybe I'd be a slightly more productive cog in the machine.
I know exactly how Burgess Meredith's character felt in the Twilight Zone episode "The Obsolete Man." Where I used to cheer on technological and medical advances, all I see are things out of reach, toys and indulgences for the fantastically rich. I could, plausibly, restore most of my functionality with some around-the-corner medical promises, but I know all too well that they are things for the rich. Medicine is a frustrating and futile sector for someone expected to address one medical problem at a time, once per visit, one visit every few months, with many visits being, even now "there's not much we can do. Have you considered psychiatric medication to help with that anxiety and depression?"
That's my story. One Obsolete Man in the late stages of capitalism. I really don't know if I'll live to see a more just and less destructive world. A part of my is dreadfully afraid that the Zuckerbergs and Shkrelis will commodify, rule, and cow us, while taking smarmy selfies and living utterly apart from all human compassion and decency. I fear that this new Gilded Age will drag on, unchallenged, until there isn't much left to save.
That is why I feel crushed.
all 71 comments
[–]praise_leninhello, and i enjoy making fun of capitalists 41 points42 points43 points  (3 children)
Your story is one of the many, many, reasons why we should destroy capitalism.
[–]AngryDM[S] 14 points15 points16 points  (0 children)
In the replies I got, I saw many other reasons, too.
[–]TJ5897 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I like the way you think, comrade.
[–]departmentofcuddles 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Destroying an ideology is difficult. Destroying its adherents is a decent stopgap and basically a matter of rousing a mob and erecting a guillotine.
[–]richhomieram 35 points36 points37 points  (1 child)
I really am not good consoling peoplr or being sympathetic but I feel your pain homie and hope it gets better
[–]AngryDM[S] 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
Thank you.
Things certainly have gotten better, compared to the helplessness, the escalating privatized ambulance bills (THOUSANDS of dollars to get admitted from there to an emergency room a few miles away, each time, and that doesn't include the ER visit expenses) that kept stacking up every time my body gave up on me.
I have shelter, some comfort, very meager income but it's enough to live on. For now.
If the next wave of reactionary politics cuts the safety net entirely, I have nothing.
[–]Lurka_Durka_Doo 22 points23 points24 points  (7 children)
My disability and the lack of available jobs and no family support system (they disowned me after I admitted to being molested by my brother) means I'm writing this to you from a homeless shelter and can only hope to receive SSDI but as you well know that process is a long one, and by no means guaranteed. I'd say "be thankful for what you have" but I know how hollow and meaningless it is. I'm sorry you're going through this, comrade. What I hope for you is that you find a way out (keep writing..no matter what) and take comfort in having a home at the very least. Sleeping rough in this weather (30° last night in CA) is hell. Take heart-- the fire rises.
[–]AngryDM[S] 15 points16 points17 points  (4 children)
I extend to you my deepest sympathy for what you suffered and what you endure now. I have been homeless before, briefly, and even that brief time made me far more aware of how far a good pair of shoes, clean dry socks, a roll of toilet paper, and some essential human dignity can go when nothing else is left.
There are specialized lawyers that deal only in SSDI and related cases. They are only paid if they win. I can speak from experience that you will need one to get SSDI, and as daunting as it was to start (I walked from one side of town to another by foot to make appointments and collect paperwork, and was so sunburned even under my shirt I was blistered and red), ultimately that lawyer won my case.
I may have shelter now, but I will never forget what it was like to be entirely and completely dependent on the charity of others, with the strain, the shame of it. There should not be a shame in asking for help.
May we both live to see a better time.
[–][deleted]  (3 children)
[deleted]
    [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
    Thank you. I feel a little better already.
    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
    [deleted]
      [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
      Thank you for that. The responses have been encouraging. We are not alone.
      [–]GaB91Libertarian Socialist 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
      Hey, just a heads up about SSDI: It's quite common to be denied on the first try. It takes a lot of people two tries before they get anywhere (good lawyer helps as well).
      [–]lovelybone93 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
      Yeah, I take care of a family member in a similar situation, but older. It's bullshit how people treat the disabled and poor, especially when they're the same person. As for the doctor, I don't know if you're in a metropolitan area or rural, if metropolitan, get another doctor and away from that fuck. A doctor is supposed to listen and treat you while working with you. I can't really help you much other to say, I know where you're coming from. Stories like yours and other make me angry that I can't do anything to help financially and that we haven't smashed capitalism yet.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
      I like in a relatively small town. There aren't that many choices, apart from expensive walk-in clinics, the poor people place I go to, or the ritzy upscale stuff on the yuppie side of town, that costs as much per month as roughly my benefit amount. I guess that'd be great if I had no rent.
      [–]lovelybone93 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
      I'm sorry.
      [–]EroticCake 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
      You are not obsolete. Your story, like many others, is an integral part of the proletarian meta-narrative. This struggle is typical of the raging class war.
      EVERYONE in the world should be supplied with food, shelter, clean water, healthcare and education. No questions should be asked beyond this. The fact that you feel this alienated for your struggle to provide these things for yourself and your loved ones - due to circumstances ENTIRELY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL - is entirely representative of everything wrong with capitalism.
      Solidarity, comrade.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      l'Internationale has been a candle in the dark for me at times.
      Thank you for your encouragement. I am, and will continue to write, even if what I write may take a long time, if ever, to be published or to help me sustain myself.
      The US is in a very dark rut where even the poor hate themselves and each other, and the idea of medical attention being a right, not just a product to purchase, is alarmingly absurd to so many.
      [–]rockoman100I just want to be free 15 points16 points17 points  (2 children)
      Oh god dammit. God fucking dammit. There have only been a few times I've read, watched, or heard something that has made me bubble up with anger and rekindled my anti-capitalist fire. This is one of those moments. Fueled by rage, I feel as if I could take it all down myself. For you, for everyone.
      But I cannot. Good heavens, when will this tragedy end? When will hell be vanquished from this Earth?
      [–]AngryDM[S] 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
      There was a glimmer of a wild spark of imagination in me that thought that smarmy little shit Shkreli, when he took a century-old drug used nowadays to treat AIDS patients and raised the price 5000%, would be enough to start a popular uprising.
      It wasn't to be. I guess it wasn't personal enough to people raised from birth to be selfish and divided.
      [–]StWdHAIL CORPORATE 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
      There have only been a few times I've read, watched, or heard something that has made me bubble up with anger and rekindled my anti-capitalist fire.
      Stop letting that fire go out comrade, we need arms. Stay tuned
      [–]candleflame3 10 points11 points12 points  (15 children)
      I used to know a woman who used a wheelchair and had very limited mobility (her spine was severely injured in a car accident). She worked in communications for a large government agency, where "inclusiveness" policies meant her disability helped her get the job (though she was very bright and capable and fully deserved the job on her own merits). Communications = planning stuff like public education campaigns, public events, writing up all the content for the website, media releases, etc.
      You can obviously write. Would this sort of work be an option for you? A lot of it can be done from home. The training for it is minimal - where I am, in Ontario, Canada, a 1-year community college certificate is enough (and those programs are not at all competitive to get into).
      I'm just thinking out loud about some options.
      I hope things get better for you :)
      [–]AngryDM[S] 14 points15 points16 points  (13 children)
      That does and would sound promising, truly.
      The difference, unfortunately, is that in Canada, such a program helped her. Here where I live, such disability-to-work programs are designed from the ground up to be "trapdoors", that base their success on the number of people they successfully remove from the social safety net. In some cases, people lose the job shortly afterward too, leaving them with nothing.
      People can, and do, die on the street in the United States. It is not reported, not even in local newspapers. The town I live in, recently, destroyed an encampment that hundreds of homeless people were sharing. It was like something out of a Steinbeck novel. Worse, the local paper darkly remarked how it was a health and safety hazard and how removing it would only help the homeless. Help them presumably to die quicker.
      Things ARE better than they were. I just fear losing what threads are left. It is very possible in the next few years that the ongoing right-wing slide of the United States will lead to the gutting of what is left for the poor, to cheers from geriatric Fox News viewers (enjoying their own untouchable benefits because they are a voting force to be reckoned with until they die) and from reactionary edgy teenagers being groomed to take their place.
      [–]candleflame3 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.
      [–]candleflame3 1 point2 points3 points  (11 children)
      It wasn't a disability-to-work program. She just applied like anyone else, but of course the hiring manager would be aware that having her on staff would allow a box to be checked. That kind of thing must go on in the USA too. I'm not quite seeing why you would be limited to disability-to-work programs and couldn't apply to regular jobs that are within your physical capabilities and/or where you could be accommodated as the law requires, like writing.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 6 points7 points8 points  (10 children)
      The law's different here. Seeking conventional employment, whether or not you can maintain the position and keep the job, can and often will remove you from benefits.
      Considering how shakey employment already is around here and how layoff-happy things have been, it's not good here.
      [–]Quietuus 6 points7 points8 points  (2 children)
      I think it can be difficult for people from other countries to understand just how bad things can be in the US. I am deathly afraid that the current UK government essentially looks up to how things are done over there. It requires an almost incomprehensible indifference to the suffering of others.
      [–]EroticCake 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
      Yeah but LOOK AT THOSE PROFIT MARGINS!
      [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      It also requires a lot of bad rationalizations, assumptions of who "deserves" what, seeing the uninsured as a mass of clutter gumming up the works.
      When I was admitted to ERs before I had corrective surgery, the damn billing staffer was present before a nurse was!
      [–]candleflame3 1 point2 points3 points  (6 children)
      Literally just looking for a job will mean you lose benefits?
      Frankly, to /u/Quietus's point, I find that hard to believe.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (5 children)
      No. Having a source of income that is not from benefits will do it. The programs that promise otherwise around here are by and large "trapdoors" as I described.
      It's a highwire balancing act to attempt.
      [–]candleflame3 0 points1 point2 points  (4 children)
      That's not the same thing though, is it? Once you land the job, presumably you don't need the benefits anymore.
      Not to get all bootstrappy on you but it doesn't sound like anything is stopping you from applying for (suitable) jobs.
      ETA: Just to emphasize that I don't mean to sound bootstrappy. You - no one - should have to struggle that hard. And jobsearching is hard! I have to do it myself in the new year. It's not only the tasks of jobsearching itself, it's also all the work of coping with the emotional ups and downs. So, it's a lot, and it's harder if you have physical or other challenges as well. Hang in there.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
      You did get a bit bootstrappy on me.
      I didn't give medical details, but among other things, I have intense insomnia that cumulates in sudden collapses where I can unpredictably be out for hours. I have balance issues and am on the deaf spectrum, while being informed that cochlear implants are not an option due to the details of the condition.
      At this point, if you're going to pass judgement now, there's not much more I can say.
      [–]candleflame3 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
      I'm sorry. I just edited my comment to be less bootstrappy.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
      All right, thank you.
      I AM writing like it's a career, even if I'm not paid for it. I am hoping to have one completed book published (long shot I know, but what isn't?) and am writing the second as I touch up the first. I'm not just loafing. I'm doing as much as I can with my limitations.
      [–]porkmaster -5 points-4 points-3 points  (0 children)
      don't speak logic to this welfare sponge. he's got time to hate on neckbeards 24/7 on reddit, but actually writing something that can make $ is beneath him. just give him money for existing.
      [–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
      I can't relate to the extremity of your situation, but I sympathise with the sentiment. I have a psychological disability which makes long-term work extremely difficult, and I've had 4 jobs since coming of age 5 years ago. I keep it up for as long as the suicidal thoughts kick back in, and then things turn into a train-wreck.
      I'm doing a little better at being a good work horse just a little longer this time, but that's not generally a thing I view as positive. I don't think I could keep this up my entire life. Not when I spend my breaks alone imagining myself hanging from the I-beams every time my boss condescends my actions.
      I'm hoping the best, for you. We all relate in some fashion.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      I relate to you as well. That's what sets us apart from those that would destroy us: our compassion, our knowing we are not alone, we do not suffer alone.
      [–]Mnemniopsis 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
      One of my closest friends is physically disabled, and meeting him was what made me realize how dehumanizing and inherently morally bankrupt capitalism is. Your value as a human is not and should not be tied to the amount of value you generate for the system.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
      It's pervasive and it's everywhere. How many times does a person who doesn't want to dedicate their life to coding software widgets for a corporation have to hear how they are a "wasted investment"?
      It's everywhere.
      [–]TheNateMonsterAnti-Poverty Bootstraps™ 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
      Thanks for your moving post.
      Solidarity, comrade. We're in this together.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
      They're selling a lot of rope, at a faster and faster pace, and are building gallows-shaped monuments to their disruptive innovative greatness.
      [–]ProfessorStupidCool 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
      Without getting into details, I understand your situation very well. I share your sentiment about our eroding society exactly, even going as far as to fear social media and techno capitalists, and their convergence with robotics.
      You're not alone. Please don't give up on your writing, and don't give up on getting access to the surgery you need. I'm afraid I can't encourage you to breed, because at this point it's not worth having a child that may become a literal indentured serf, which seems like it's a decade away at best.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      I did get the surgery I needed to stop needing repeated hospitalizations. I'm not "cured" but I'm stable.
      I'm glad I'm not alone in my dread of watching the march of "progress" and how it's been almost entirely an upward shunt toward obscenely-wealthy narcissists that act like the worst kind of Redditeurs in attitude and behavior, only with more money.
      [–]UTLRev1312 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
      i see myself in much of what you said. i have a disability, moderate to severe in nature, and because it's not an outward "physical" disability, it's often overlooked. there's medication for it, and luckily a combo of meds i started in the summer have me feeling the best i've been for years (at the same time, commercials for those kinds of meds further the incorrect stigma of my disease, and i wish they were framed in a different light). i had thousands of dollars in medical debt which i finally paid down, but also have a bit of credit card debt for things purchased just to survive. i've been in and out of jobs due to health, and while i may have a light at the end of the tunnel, every day i'm just waiting to relapse and lose all progress i've made. i've tried filing for disability in the past, only to be rejected as well. and i've yet to get a proper hearing (last time i saw my lawyer was over a year ago).
      i'm by no means trying to "dick measure" here, but just saying i know how you feel and what you're going through. i was already anti capitalist for a while, but once i got into my 20s, i saw how people who aren't dealt a winning hand are treated. this system cannot continue. just know you're not alone. ✊
      [–]AngryDM[S] 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
      Thank you for sharing your situation. It really does help me not get so absorbed in my own problems, to know that other people have it hard too.
      There's an old Buddhist exercise where you visualize the Buddha sitting next to you, asking what troubles you, and when you do that, you then visualize the Buddha offering to take your hardships and suffering for a few minutes, and in return all you have to do is observe.
      It was weird when I first did it on a guided meditation, but it helped, somehow. Compassion is good for oneself as well as for others.
      [–]Noumenomicon 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
      Being poor and disabled under capitalism is fucking hell. I'm sorry, OP.
      We are with you.
      [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
      Thank you. That means a lot to me.
      [–][deleted]  (2 children)
      [removed]
        [–]AngryDM[S] 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
        That does put things in perspective, I admit: there hasn't been a time I can recall where such things were easy. Frayed and tattered and hacked at by regressives constantly, what's left of the New Deal is still hanging on by threads. For now.
        I'm somewhat comfortable at the moment. I just dread the future, especially with the momentum I see towards increasingly destructive and exploitative business practices reaching into government.
        Living in fear is poor living, but it's hard, sometimes, to banish fear.
        [–]MikeCharlieUniform -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
        Is there really a time in human history, though, when being in pain, being disabled and being unable to work was easy?
        As the Buddhists say, "life is suffering". There are always challenges, even for people like Zuckerberg. They aren't always comparable challenges, but life is never unicorns and rainbows.
        Mastery of this fact is what results in happiness, regardless of circumstance. Cultural values are not in OPs favor, but IME he's got everything he needs to be content; a good partner, an outlet where he can be productive (even if it isn't so in capitalistic estimations), and, well, enough health to be able to put together an extremely cogent and intelligent statement (which is a lot more than most of reddit, as near as I can tell).
        I'm not here to offer OP advice, but I think I'd rather "win" over the relatives by being more content than they are with far less. (Side benefit - their attitudes will seem even more ridiculous.)
        (EDIT: Probably too late of an edit, but this is what capitalism actively cultivates - the feeling of despair at our lack of things.)
        [–]HRpuffystuff 3 points4 points5 points  (8 children)
        Honestly I think you'd be better of living in another country, one less ruthlessly driven by profits. Canada comes to mind. I know it would be difficult to uproot, but it may make things easier in the long run
        [–]AngryDM[S] 5 points6 points7 points  (7 children)
        I have strongly considered moving to Canada. I have a college degree (that is not useful-for-business STEM), but that's about it.
        I have no contacts there, no family, no other means to get citizenship that I know of, but if they "privatize"(destroy) Social Security, I have nothing left to lose.
        [–]Quietuus 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
        You may have trouble moving to Canada with a long term health condition and no savings. A lot of countries with more attractive social security systems guard them quite jealously.
        [–]AngryDM[S] 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
        Yeah. That was what I was afraid of.
        I try to save, but it's buttons. Nothing. Could vanish in a day.
        [–]whatifonions 0 points1 point2 points  (4 children)
        Perhaps the UK? Immigration isn't that bothered about people coming from the US, and though benefits are under attack, free healthcare is still an untouchable issue (take that, Tory bastards)
        [–]AngryDM[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
        It infuriates me how free healthcare, even now, is a taboo subject even among the poor in the US. It even had to be reworded in baby steps like "single payer" and even that didn't fly.
        People here are programmed with a deep guilt that they aren't super-rich.
        [–]whatifonions 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
        To quote che: "I envy you Americans, you live in the belly of the beast."
        I hope things improve for you comrade.
        [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
        I hope they improve for all of us in the belly of the beast.
        [–]whatifonions 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        They will one day.
        [–]king_radicalfilthy commie 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
        Keep trying to be a writer.
        Learning to program and doing some shitty part-time coding at home might be a good way to make some extra cash too.
        [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
        I will continue to try to get published and keep writing in the meantime.
        Coding, to me, is grueling and very stressful with no sense of satisfaction. In short, it seems perfect for capitalism. "Code a better widget"
        [–]kickingpplisfun 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        If your Internet's shitty, you'll need to get better Internet after getting a couple clients- you'll likely have to upload/download a lot of stuff. But yeah, online freelancing's probably the way to go in this situation, although there are many pitfalls to avoid.
        [–]HailSneezar 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        Well at least you can share that with me, some random asshole in Arizona, over the interwebs. I wish you the best, good sir.
        [–]Morningred7Capitalism is the most efficient system! 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
        I'm sorry. I mean that. It's stories like these which remind me of the true severity of our system, and rightfully inspire rage. I truly hope things improve for you soon, comrade.
        [–]AngryDM[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
        Things are tolerable right now. I just dread, in the 30-year-or-so rightward shift of things, things getting worse.
        [–]AngryDM[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        Brief update: 90 minute after-appointment wait to have a skin infection addressed. Previous medication, unsupervised, apparently worsened the rash. Doctor mirthfully oopsed in remark, prescribed a new cream to apply, and said "see you in 3 weeks!"
        Best health care in the world, and I reign as a welfare queen.
        [–]Voltairinede 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
        Have you considered emigrating?
        [–]AngryDM[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
        I have, I might someday, and I will have to if the safety net snaps entirely.
        [–]Voltairinede 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
        Cool. The Capitalist nightmare is moderately less terrible in places with free healthcare.
        [–]AngryDM[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
        I argued for a long time that the New Deal saved capitalism and left it to linger on to our present day.
        [–]TaylorS1986Marxian, not Marxist -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
        This kind of shit makes me so angry.
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