Reviews for Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End were published this past week, and the Internet flipped out over them because Uncharted reviews bring the very worst dregs of humanity crawling out from under rotted driftwood.
Any scores lower than a nine were deemed too low by people who haven’t even played the game, as Uncharted‘s witchfinder generals selected critics to be pilloried in the name of corporate products.
Naturally, your ol’ pal Jim Sterling was hunted by Naughty Dog’s unofficial PR department – they were infuriated at the low “clickbait” score of 8.5.
The biggest insult, to these brave warriors, was the fact I scored Quantum Break the same, which means I said they’re exactly the same game!
Of course, this was wrong. It was incorrect for me to even imply that Remedy’s Xbox One exclusive was on the same level as Uncharted 4.
Obviously, it’s better, and I’m going to tell you why.
Nathan Drake Is A Psychopath
The biggest reason for Uncharted 4‘s shittiness compared to Quantum Break is its protagonist, Nathan Drake. He could be the villain of any other videogame, possessed as he is of a legendary murderous streak that has seen him slaughter thousands of victims across the span of four games.
Nathan’s modus operandi consists of visiting foreign lands and stealing everything that isn’t nailed down. He’ll also deal out tons of property damage for no justifiable reason, crashing into peoples’ market stalls, smacking down fences, and blowing up populated areas without a second thought. Many of these places are afflicted by poverty, which makes the affluent Drake’s destruction all the more contemptible.
Drake, for his part, shows neither mercy nor remorse as he cuts a bloody swathe through exotic locales. He cracks wise while cracking necks, laughs off the screaming faces and bloodstained corpses that twist and writhe for the sake of golden trinkets. Nathan’s lust for blood is exceeded only by his desire for wealth, and his satisfaction of the former brings him ever closer to the latter.
Compare this to the protagonist of Quantum Break, who I think might be called Jake. I’m not sure, I’ll Google it. Anyway, Jake is fighting to save the actual world, stopping some Bad Time People from breaking history itself. The virtuous Jake or Jacob uses his power for good, and kills in self defense.
Nathan Drake has never killed in self defense. Yes, he gets shot at, but only by terrified men who are trying to stop the physical incarnation of a malicious God’s genocidal avarice. Need I remind you of that cutscene in Uncharted 3: Drake’s A Decepticon, where he laughed his head off while shooting a baby in the neck? Or his confession that he can’t achieve an erection without human blood on his hands?
Nathan Drake murders people, and he always does it with a boner.
Quantum Break Has Lance Reddick
Lance Reddick, star of Fringe and other shows like Fringe, is a brilliant actor, beloved around the world for his steely gaze and intense personal charm. He features in Quantum Break as Hatchworth, the crafty butler, and he does a star turn that captivates the senses.
Uncharted 4 has Nolan North, but so does literally every single other game, so it isn’t special. Sure, North voicing Nathan, Sully, Elena, all the bad guys, and a talking dog named Jasper is impressive, but no amount of funny voices can match the power of The Reddick, a man so beautiful I think he may have come directly from God’s own vagina.
Nolan North has never been on television – FACT. Don’t try and look it up or contradict me. He’ll never feature in Fringe or shows like Fringe, and he’ll never look good bald.
By contrast, Lance Reddick is a TV-being-onning, Fringe featuring, pretty balded boy.
That makes him a better actor, and Quantum Break a better game.
Uncharted 4 Only Got A Measly 8.5
There is no greater measure of a game’s objective quality than a review score. We all know this. Publishers hinge money on review scores, and NeoGAF posters stake the success of their personal growth as human beings on numeral validation. With this in mind, we must conclude that Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End, sporting a measly 8.5 on popular website The Jimquisition Dot Com, is an utter disappointment.
8.5 is the lowest score a videogame can get, lower even than IGN’s insulting clickbait slap in the face 8.8. It is a mark of shame on Naughty Dog’s household that its latest game could not even muster the borderline acceptable score of 9, meaning it dropped well below the average number automatically awarded to hyped AAA releases.
In his scathing review, critic Jim Sterling wrote:
Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End gave me the greatest joy a person could know – the satisfaction in knowing that you never have to play such a terrible game again once you see those final credits roll. On the subject of credits, it’s astounding how anybody at Naughty Dog allowed their real names to be attached to this warm dumpster clump. I’d be ashamed to be associated with such infantile writing, mediocre gameplay, and racist overtones. This game is racist. It’s got five racisms in it.
You can try to argue your “opinion” on the matter all you want, but we’re talking about reviews – only cold hard evidence is admissible.
The evidence is on my side here. Uncharted 4 got a miserably low score on this very website, which means Quantum Break is clearly better.
Nathan Drake Is A Sellout
Let us never forget that Nathan Drake is a corporate shill who shills for corporations with his shilling. Not content to steal the nation’s most valuable secrets for personal gain, our “hero” is not against teaming up with Subway to sell us sandwiches.
Check out the below video, where a cringeworthy Drake tells us all about his taste for adventure. The scumbag.
Nathan tells us that Subway is “where winners eat,” but proves himself a liar by demonstrating that he – a man who has lost all integrity – happily chows down on a foot’s worth of warmed meats. Look at him, waving his sandwich and his drink around like it’s okay. Like it’s okay!
What next? Is he going to do lengthy “guides” for Clash of Kings as sponsored YouTube videos? Probably.
Definitely.
Quantum Break Is On The Xbox One
This is perhaps the most obvious point, but also the least contestable. The Xbox One is, famously, a better console than the PlayStation 4, because Microsoft made it and Microsoft is a great company. Have you tried Windows 10? I can get all my favorite apps on it.
Console exclusivity is very important and it’s worth tethering your personal identity to the success of a machine made by a multimillion dollars company. I’ve chosen the Xbox One because it has an intuitive user interface, brilliant games like Ryse and Crimson Skies, and Internet Explorer is sponsoring my upcoming documentary Jim Sterling: A Taste For Adventure.
It’s quite obvious that I’ve been on the Xbox One’s side all this time in a very literal battle that has a very literal front line. My low scoring of Uncharted 4, and indeed this entire article, is part of an effort on my part to bring down the PlayStation 4 via opinionated editorial on a D-list critical website. This is how videogames criticism works, and how everybody involved in games media thinks.
I’m explaining this because it’s well-known already so there’s no point trying to hide it. Also, because the Xbox One is better than the PS4 due to the color green used in is promotional material. Sony uses blue, which is a boring color.
Also, Uncharted fans are just the fucking pits.