Welcome to the Guardian’s second Premier League ineptitude index. Last season we established that QPR, Burnley and Everton were the most incompetent sides in the division by using a series of measures and a whole load of stats provided by the ever-excellent boffins at Opta. This season, they’ve sent more numbers for us to abuse.
At a time of the year often littered with articles about the brilliant and the sublime, the best goals, player and teams of the year, we hope to celebrate the clumsy and the blundering, the deficient and the lacking, the ham-fisted and cack-handed. It’s time to crown the Premier League’s most inept side of the 2015-16 season.
Although not a wholly scientific investigation, it is not without its detailed research. Rather than looking entirely at dull stats such as pass completion rates, we want to establish who are the really woeful sides: the ones who throw the ball to the opposition from their own throw-ins, those who manage to lose having been 2-0 up, clubs who have been penalised because their players are unable to keep their shirts on.
We’ve assigned each category weighting (slightly arbitrary, we’ll admit) and have awarded corresponding ineptitude points to the sides who are the best at being rubbish. The results are below:
Own goals
Own goals happen. An unlucky deflection, a goalmouth melee, an incident a player could do nothing about. But they’re not great examples of competence, are they? In any index of ineptitude, doing the opposition’s job for them and putting the ball in your own net must rank pretty highly. We’ll let teams off if they have done it only once this season (and take a bow Bournemouth, Leicester, Southampton and Stoke who have done it no times at all) but we will award five incompetence points to any side who have done it more than once. Crystal Palace and Swansea City (four times each) get 20 points, Arsenal, Aston Villa, Tottenham Hotspur, West Bromwich Albion (three times each) get 15 and Chelsea, Newcastle, Norwich and West Ham (twice) get 10 points each. After the first round, our nascent table looks like this:
Crystal Palace 20
Swansea City 20
Arsenal 15
Aston Villa 15
Tottenham Hotspur 15
West Bromwich Albion 15
Chelsea 10
Newcastle 10
Norwich 10
West Ham 10
Throw-ins to the opposition
In the hustle and bustle of a Premier League match, finding your team-mate with a pass when the ball is in play can be difficult. Under pressure, out of breath and using feet or head – body parts not genetically designed for the accurate dissemination of a spherical object – it is hard. Your hands, however, are exactly perfect for the job. To fail to find your team-mate with a throw-in is the height of ineptitude. Leicester, that Leicester, are the worst offenders and have failed to keep possession from a throw-in 276 times this season – that’s 7.6 times a game. Even for a team that play better when the opposition has the ball, that’s mind-boggling. They’re actually worse at throw-ins now than they were last season (when they did it 251 times after 37 games). In a season in which they’ve done everything so well, it’s genuinely heartwarming to think that, in at least one department, they’re utterly bobbins. We’ll give them 10 points for their ineptness, with eight for the second-worst offenders (Norwich and Watford, 221 times each) and six for the third-worst (West Brom, 208). Finally, some cheer for Arsenal fans – your side are the best at not throwing the ball to the opposition (the team did it 57 times). So that’s something.
Table
West Bromwich Albion 21
Crystal Palace 20
Swansea City 20
Norwich 18
Arsenal 15
Aston Villa 15
Tottenham Hotspur 15
Chelsea 10
Leicester 10
Newcastle 10
West Ham 10
Watford 8
Yellow cards for removing a shirt
Removing your shirt has been an offence punishable by a yellow card since 1 July 2004. The great majority of current Premier League players made their professional debuts since that rule was introduced, meaning their entire careers have been played with it in place. There is simply no excuse for it, whether they agree with the rule or not. Players from Everton, Liverpool, Watford and West Ham have done it twice this season. Since no player has been sent off for it (more on that here), it doesn’t merit a massive penalty, instead earning the worst offenders five points each for the idiocy of their players. Players from Arsenal, Bournemouth, Chelsea, Newcastle and Southampton have done it once, so earn their clubs three points each.
Table
West Bromwich Albion 21
Crystal Palace 20
Swansea City 20
Norwich 18
Arsenal 18
Aston Villa 15
Tottenham Hotspur 15
Chelsea 13
Newcastle 13
West Ham 15
Watford 13
Leicester 10
Everton 5
Liverpool 5
Bournemouth 3
Sides who do not score in a match
The entire point of the game of football is to score goals. There is absolutely no point to any of this if teams do not score goals. No wins, no losses, just draws. Take it to its logical conclusion and every team finishes the season on 38 points with zero goal difference. So, scoring goals is pretty key – not scoring them is inept. We’ll let the 10 least bad offenders off for at least trying to provide some entertainment (Leicester are the best, failing to score on only three occasions). For the 10 worst, we’ll award one point to each team for each fixture in which they failed to score. That means Aston Villa: 16 points. Palace, Norwich, West Brom: 14 points. Newcastle, Stoke, Watford: 13 points. Sunderland, Swansea City: 12 points. Bournemouth: 11 points.
Table
West Bromwich Albion 35
Crystal Palace 34
Swansea City 32
Norwich 32
Aston Villa 31
Newcastle 26
Watford 26
Arsenal 18
Tottenham Hotspur 15
West Ham 15
Bournemouth 14
Chelsea 13
Stoke 13
Sunderland 12
Leicester 10
Everton 5
Liverpool 5
Blowing a two-goal (or more) lead
If a team are two or more goals to the good but then fail to win the match, the players should be forced to play their next fixture wearing big red clown noses, having spent the week knocking on every single door in the area they represent and apologising for being bungling oafs. Everton, Liverpool, Norwich, Aston Villa and West Brom have each been at least two goals up at some stage and have gone on to lose. They get 10 points each and, by rights, ought to trot on to the pitch with this music booming from the stadium PA. But it gets worse. Everton and Liverpool, as well as Stoke, have also gone on to draw after being at least two goals up, so they get five points for each time they’ve done that too: so 10 apiece. Norwich, Arsenal, Bournemouth, Manchester United, Newcastle United, Southampton, Sunderland all pick up five points too for that same crime. And then there’s Tottenham. Tottenham have also blown a two-goal lead twice to go on to draw, but in the most recent one they managed to hand the title to another side in the process. They should, by rights, earn 10 points for their blown leads, but we’re going to fine them an extra five for making another team champions while they were at it.
Table
West Bromwich Albion 45
Crystal Palace 34
Swansea City 32
Norwich 47
Aston Villa 41
Newcastle 31
Watford 26
Everton 25
Liverpool 25
Tottenham Hotspur 25
Stoke 23
Arsenal 23
West Ham 15
Bournemouth 19
Chelsea 13
Sunderland 17
Leicester 10
Manchester United 5
Southampton 5
Conceding a goal past 90 minutes
Much like blowing a two-goal lead, conceding in injury time is a sign of a team with raw doltishness. How many minutes have you got to see out? Three? Four? Five minutes without allowing an opposition player to do one of the hardest things in football – score a goal? Well done to Manchester City and Watford, who are alone in managing to keep it tight in stoppage time. No other team get let off here: even if a side have done it just once, they get punished. We’ll award 10 points for the worst teams (Newcastle, Norwich, five times each), eight for the next worst (Aston Villa, Liverpool, four times each), six for the next (Bournemouth, Crystal Palace, Everton, Sunderland, three times each), four for the next (Arsenal, Leicester, Stoke, Swansea, West Brom, twice) and one for the rest (Chelsea, Manchester United, Southampton, Tottenham, West Ham, once).
Table
Norwich 57
Aston Villa 49
West Bromwich Albion 49
Newcastle 41
Crystal Palace 40
Swansea City 36
Liverpool 33
Everton 31
Stoke 27
Arsenal 27
Watford 26
Tottenham Hotspur 26
Bournemouth 25
Sunderland 23
West Ham 16
Chelsea 14
Leicester 14
Manchester United 6
Southampton 6
Missed penalties
Those with sharp eyes will have spotted that one team have yet to make an appearance on the ineptitude index and it is clearly wrong to suggest Manchester City have been competent this season. So what about missed penalties? It is hard to think of another occasion in a football match where scoring a goal is so likely. To fail to do so, therefore, must be incompetent. Manchester City and West Brom are the joint worst at penalties in the league, missing three each. We’ll award five ineptitude points per miss so Manchester City and West Brom get 15, Leicester get 10, and Arsenal, Bournemouth, Chelsea, Palace, Everton, Southampton and Watford all get five. We’ve decided not to include a category for penalties conceded because, at times, those come about through refereeing incompetence (the worst offenders, though, are Norwich, nine, Watford and West Ham, eight).
Table
West Bromwich Albion 64
Norwich 57
Aston Villa 49
Crystal Palace 45
Newcastle 41
Everton 36
Swansea City 36
Liverpool 33
Arsenal 32
Watford 31
Bournemouth 30
Stoke 27
Tottenham Hotspur 26
Leicester 24
Sunderland 23
Chelsea 19
West Ham 16
Manchester City 15
Southampton 11
Manchester United 6
Yellow cards for dissent, yellow cards for simulation
In the first category, a player is punishing his team by basically being a moron. Whether or not the referee was right, a player is unlikely to change an official’s mind by yelling abuse at him. In the second, the player is cheating. It is hard to think of anything more inept than failing to play by the rules of the game. So we’ll award five points for the worst referee abusers (West Brom, 11 yellows for dissent), four each for the next worst (Chelsea, Watford, 10), and three each for the next (Aston Villa, Leicester City, Tottenham, eight). On top of that, we’ll award two points for any yellow card handed out for simulation to any team who have done it more than once. Crystal Palace, Everton and Watford get six points each. Aston Villa, Chelsea and Spurs get four each.
Table
West Bromwich Albion 69
Norwich 57
Aston Villa 56
Crystal Palace 51
Everton 42
Newcastle 41
Watford 41
Swansea City 36
Liverpool 33
Tottenham Hotspur 33
Arsenal 32
Bournemouth 30
Stoke 27
Leicester 27
Chelsea 27
Sunderland 23
West Ham 16
Manchester City 15
Southampton 11
Manchester United 6
Red cards
Doing anything that leaves your side with fewer men on the pitch can hardly be described as competent (except, admittedly, in this scenario). We’ll award 10 points for the worst offender (Southampton, six), eight points for the second-worst (Everton, West Ham, five each) and six points for the next worst (Arsenal, Newcastle, Chelsea, Stoke, four each).
Table
West Bromwich Albion 69
Norwich 57
Aston Villa 56
Crystal Palace 51
Everton 50
Newcastle 47
Watford 41
Arsenal 38
Swansea City 36
Liverpool 33
Stoke 33
Chelsea 33
Tottenham Hotspur 33
Bournemouth 30
Leicester 27
West Ham 24
Sunderland 23
Southampton 21
Manchester City 15
Manchester United 6
Mistakes that lead to a goal
If scoring a goal is the point of the game, stopping your opponents from the doing the same has got to be next on the list of priorities. So it stands to reason that making an error that leads to an opposition goal is incompetent. We’ve awarded one point per error: Aston Villa are the worst, having done it 15 times. Leicester are the best having only committed one error all season leading to an opposition goal. Which is astonishing. The full list looks like this:
Aston Villa 15
West Ham 13
Liverpool 10
Bournemouth 9
Crystal Palace 8
Everton 8
Swansea City 7
Chelsea 7
Norwich City 7
Sunderland 7
Newcastle United 6
Tottenham Hotspur 6
Southampton 6
Watford 5
Manchester City 5
Arsenal 5
Stoke City 3
West Brom 3
Manchester United 2
Leicester City 1
And it does this to the table
West Bromwich Albion 72
Aston Villa 71
Norwich 64
Crystal Palace 59
Everton 58
Newcastle 53
Watford 46
Arsenal 43
Liverpool 43
Swansea City 43
Chelsea 40
Bournemouth 39
Tottenham Hotspur 39
West Ham 37
Stoke 36
Sunderland 30
Leicester 28
Southampton 27
Manchester City 20
Manchester United 8
Failing to find your own player inside your own half
Not the worst crime a team can commit on the pitch, nor a foolproof indicator of incompetence, but a competent professional footballer ought to be able to find a team-mate in his own half pretty regularly. Not in Newcastle, though, where players failed to find a team-mate inside their own half an incredible 906 times. That means that, 25 times per game, they pass the ball to the opposition in an area of the pitch they should control. Let’s punish the five worst teams and give Newcastle 10 points. Liverpool and Bournemouth are the next worst, doing it 860 times each, so get eight points each. Swansea City and Tottenham are next, 813 times, and get six points. Leicester are the sixth-worst team at finding a team-mate in their own half but, given that playing without the ball actually seems to be a tactic of theirs (see throw-ins), they get away without censure (we did say that some of this is arbitrary).
Table
West Bromwich Albion 72
Aston Villa 71
Norwich 64
Newcastle 63
Crystal Palace 59
Everton 58
Liverpool 51
Swansea City 49
Bournemouth 47
Watford 46
Tottenham Hotspur 45
Arsenal 43
Chelsea 40
West Ham 37
Stoke 36
Sunderland 30
Leicester 28
Southampton 27
Manchester City 20
Manchester United 8
Errors by goalkeepers that lead to goals
Goalkeepers got an easy ride in last season’s ineptitude index, a fact quite rightly spotted by those below the line. Disappointingly, Opta does not carry stats on goalkeepers letting the ball between their own legs but, being football’s all-seeing stats machine, it does know how many times a keeper’s mistake has directly led to a goal. That Liverpool, alongside Bournemouth, top this list suggests whoever decided to award Simon Mignolet a new contract may not have had a key to the Opta engine room. We awarded one point each for errors from outfield players leading to a goal, so we’ll double it to two points for goalkeepers since their entire raison d’être is to not concede goals. The goalkeeping error list looks like this:
Liverpool 5 (10 points)
Bournemouth 5
Aston Villa 4 (eight points)
Crystal Palace 4
Swansea City 4
Norwich City 3 (six points)
Sunderland 3
Tottenham Hotspur 3
Arsenal 2 (four points)
Manchester City 2
Watford 2
West Ham United 2
Chelsea 1 (two points)
Manchester United 1
Southampton 1
West Bromwich Albion 1
Table
Aston Villa 79
West Bromwich Albion 74
Norwich 70
Crystal Palace 67
Newcastle 63
Liverpool 61
Everton 58
Swansea City 57
Bournemouth 57
Tottenham Hotspur 51
Watford 50
Arsenal 47
Chelsea 42
West Ham 41
Stoke 36
Sunderland 36
Southampton 29
Leicester 28
Manchester City 24
Manchester United 10
Results
It’s hardly a surprise that Aston Villa, a side relegated midway through April, top the list. But Sunderland’s relatively competent performance this season (by these measures) means they should not be battling for survival in the relegation zone alongside the far more hapless Norwich and Newcastle.
Leicester were the fourth least competent side last year, and are now the third most competent which is just one turnaround from a remarkable season for them. West Bromwich Albion’s position near the top of the table is a surprise: Tony Pulis’s sides are not supposed to make mistakes; however their habit of playing out 0-0s, throwing the ball directly to the opposition and giving referees lip has cost them dear. So, on second thoughts, that sounds exactly like a Tony Pulis side. Crystal Palace, too, have been hurt by 0-0s, own goals and goalkeeping errors.
But, really, clubs such as Liverpool and Everton should be ashamed of themselves and must fear the talent scouts from Billy Smart’s Circus will soon be hovering. Chelsea can count themselves lucky not to be higher up the table given their disastrous season. Tottenham can only dream of what might have been: cut out the errors and perhaps they would still be in the title race.
Finally, though, the biggest surprise of all is right at the bottom of the table. How are Manchester United the least incompetent side in the league? It’s hard to see many in the Old Trafford stands agreeing (though a certain Dutchman might). But perhaps it does fit: after all it takes a special kind of ineptitude to make so few mistakes but still be bobbing about in fifth, struggling for Champions League qualification.
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