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ADVICEDifference between following and being lead? (self.RedPillWives)

marmar80Mid 30's, Married 7 years, 9 years total が 投稿

•How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW? 35 years, RPW 6 weeks

•What is your relationship status? Married

•What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!) I keep having this conversation with my SO. I feel compelled to be lead by him, however, he tells me I'm doing a good job at following, but I won't let him lead me. I am having trouble knowing the difference and wanted to get clarification and direction from this subreddit. I know trust has a lot to do with letting someone lead you. For example; he sends me posts (from MRP) about female behavior and tells me that I fit this to a T. I read them and then try and apply it to how I have behaved and then question that all of the theory presented in the post is true. He tells me the fact that I am questioning him means I cannot be lead. I don't want to follow blindly and want to be well informed, however my questioning of these theory's (which is what he believes) feels fear based (still analyzing what I am afraid of). Any help on this is appreciated.

•How have you contributed to the problem? I don't trust him completely and I question.

•How long has this been an issue? Our whole relationship, 9 years

•What have you done to resolve this problem? Trying to be more vulnerable. Be a high value spouse, defer, self improve.

If married or in a committed, monogamous relationship: •How long have you been together? 9 years

•Is your relationship long-distance? No

•Do you have an active bedroom life? We do now, not always this way.

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[–]StingrayVC 6ポイント7ポイント  (5子コメント)

This is a really good question. It would help us a lot if you could link one or two of those MRP posts that he says describe you well (and to also answer these questions) . Sometimes, at first, the line between some things in RP seems so fine as to be almost nonexistent. Until you see it and then realize that the line is actually enormous.

The difference is, you follow when you understand, when you are without fear and when you trust. But that trust isn't being directed toward your SO. It's in yourself so you feel free to follow him. Being lead show trust in him because it means you will do it despite being afraid. You don't know what the outcome might be. You have to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable to him and even though you are afraid, you follow his lead anyway.

I remember early in my marriage I constantly would ask why. Not so much because I wanted to learn, but because I wanted to know why my husband would want me to do something. Then one day he said to me, "One of these days I'm going to tell you to duck because something is flying at your head and you're going to stand there and ask, 'Why?'"

I was floored. You don't trust him and he knows it. You're not vulnerable to him. You do not put yourself in his hands without first questioning his safety net.

It's not easy to do, but when you do this? I don't have the words this morning to describe it. It can take your relationship to a place that most people don't understand is possible.

It takes time. Ask him to be patient with you. But let go of your fear. If he is a good man, he deserves this from you and you deserve to be able to give it to him.

[–]IrisandoleanderLate 20s | Married 2015 | together since '08 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I remember early in my marriage I constantly would ask why. Not so much because I wanted to learn, but because I wanted to know why my husband would want me to do something. Then one day he said to me, "One of these days I'm going to tell you to duck because something is flying at your head and you're going to stand there and ask, 'Why?'"

I need to focus on this - I need to work on it and improve. I should will make a conscious effort to jump up and DO whatever it is he asks me to do. "Babe, did you change out the laundry" "In a minute" "yes, going right now!". I'm generally curious what it would do for our relationship. Not because I should jump every time he calls, but because I never do. If I make a conscious effort to do it perhaps it will become more of a habit and he will be more comfortable leading.

Things I need to be thinking about for sure!

[–]MsSadieDunham27 | married | 2 years 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Being lead show trust in him because it means you will do it despite being afraid. You don't know what the outcome might be. You have to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable to him and even though you are afraid, you follow his lead anyway.

This is huge! Being able to follow his lead and do what he has decided despite your reservations is a huge sign of trust. Questioning him constantly is called pestering and is a sure sign that you don't trust him.

You do not put yourself in his hands without first questioning his safety net.

If you have to question the net, you're not being vulnerable. Why would he let anything bad happen to you? He wouldn't! So if he says the net is there, trust him.

[–]Tryin2BeBetrThanB4Early 20s, Married, 3 years 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Not sure if I can add anything to what you said but I'll give it a try.

I think with following, you just accept things, go with the flow. I think of it as being passive. As long as you're OK with it, you'll do it. If you're unsure about what he's doing, you may still follow, but drag your feet along with you. Showing that either vocally with questioning words, or physically with that look.

An example I can think of would be a backseat driver. Sure, you are following, you are in the car aren't you! That means you trust the driver right? Not if you constantly telling him "Look out" "Are you sure?" "Do you really think so?" "Why are you doing it this way?" "You know the other Street would have been faster". If you are the driver, then you know how frustrating this can actually be, even though the backseat is "just being helpful", it shows they lack confidence in your ability to get them there safely.

Allowing yourself to be lead on the other hand, is trusting that the one leading you will not bring you to harm, but is actively leading you to better situations. It means showing your full support to those decisions. Not making the leader question himself. It is being active.

-In the car example, as the backseat driver, this would mean keeping your mouth shut. You trust the driver knows what he's doing and won't put you in harm's way. Otherwise you wouldn't have agreed to get in the car in the first place. Maybe you hold his hand and give him smiles instead. You're choosing to be with him, choosing to trust he'll get you there safely. Not undermining his choices on which road or turn he's taken. Not sitting there quietly making faces wishing he did something differently.

edit: formatting

[–]phantasmagnolia 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I love the quote from your husband!

I have been wondering what trust really is for a while. And I believed that it meant that you were not afraid. And I wondered what on earth is wrong with me, when I still need so much reassurance before I stop worrying? It makes me happy that being afraid is not the be-all and end-all.

[–]TempestTcup 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

Ah, RPW six weeks.

You have just begun your journey, so give yourself some time to adjust. This doesn't mean to slack off on your improvement, but it means that it will take some time and a lot of hard work, so realize that everything will not sink in immediately, and you probably will have an "aha" moment some time in the near future where things will suddenly make sense. Usually it takes between six months to a year; the equation is usually at least one month for every year together.

So, just keep working on it, but be patient with yourself. The answer to letting him lead is to step back and let him lead. You don't have to know every detail of his plans or reasons behind them; if he's anything like my husband, he has reasons for every decision, and if he hasn't steered you wrong in the past, he probably won't now.

I've noticed that men seem to have more thought to the future and their plans are usually more far-reaching, whereas women tend to think about the near future and day to day. This is the reason women care more about food and home, and men tend to care more about building and maintaining.

[–]StingrayVC 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

There is a quote my husband and I often chuckle about. "A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."

[–]rpisolani 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I don't want to follow blindly and want to be well informed

I have a policy with my fiancee that might be useful to consider.

If I ask her to do something, then she should not question it in the moment unless there's some kind of real emergency scenario. However, later on the same day or even later that week, there will be a more appropriate time for her to ask me why I had her do something (like when we're spending time together at home before going to bed). I don't mind at all as long as it's coming from a place of wanting to be informed instead of trying to fight me for control.

There's often issues of immediacy when I ask her to do something, and if I have to stop to explain everything that I ask her to do, then it really gums up the works and bogs us both down. This could happen often if I know things she doesn't for whatever reason (logistics or otherwise). It allows us to stay efficient in the moment while still allowing her the ability to ask me about my decisions later for the sake of being informed.

With that having been said, we're able to do this because I can trust her not to use this as a way to try to challenge me or take control. Instead, it's just there for her to be informed.

As an aside, after asking about a decision I made or something I had her do, and after hearing my [usually brief] explanation as to why, there have been a number of times when she's told me that she's glad she didn't ask me why in the moment when she felt the urge to.