Good evening, fellow Evil Fempatriots! It's a lovely day in the Vagimony, is it not? Tonight, we'll review the various body function tests with which we torment our poor, beleaguered male dog-slaves. Fire up the Sybians, ladies--let's begin!

1) The Rocket-Spit Test. Much as the occasional surprise squirt of saliva might launch from under your tongue with no warning, leaving you to desperately hope that whoever you were talking to somehow failed to see it, the Gleek Test is best deployed with no warning. Examples would include interrupting your MDS mid-conversation to tell him that he has something caught in his teeth, hanging up on him for no reason two or three times in a row and then blaming bad coverage, or deliberately lisping hard enough to get spit all over his glasses.

2) The Fart Test. When he's the Big Spoon, cut loose on his leg with one of those silent but uncomfortably warm farts that you just know are going to smell like a tire fire. If he gets out if bed, cry and accuse him of not accepting you as you are. When he finally gets back in bed, fart on him again. Bear down on it, if you can, for maximum flappage against his junk.

3) The Piss Test. Pee in his shoes, then blame it on the cat. When he asks when the cat started eating asparagus, smirk and walk away. (Bonus points if you do not own a cat.)

4) The Booger Test. When dining with new friends, pick your nose and wipe it under the table. Do this without breaking eye contact with the highest-ranking male. This establishes dominance.

5) The Belch Test. Never, ever use his name unless you belch it to him. This will teach him to associate you giving him attention with burp-talk. Over time, you should be able to cause him to develop a Pavlovian reaction to burp-talk that causes him to get Peeny Throbbles every time you shotgun a beer. If you don't know how to belch on command, go ahead and stop paying your student loans because clearly you learned nothing in college.

Cheers, ladies! All hail the Fempire!