This is my six month progress report on improving my frame and implementing MRP. I have written it for myself in order to test my progress, congruence/coherence, and ego. Understand that I alone am the judge of me; but I also know that I am all too capable of bullshitting myself (die you fucking hamster).

 

Background and Learnings from First Submission to MRP

 

My background, pre-MRP state, and three month position is detailed in the following treasure trove of puke (quote from JackTenofHearts). Whinemoreplease said “Simplify. As in simplify the problems so what you're trying to solve is focused”. Following is the simplified version of the problem and my take away from all the comments.

1. My wife’s sexual attraction to me dropped primarily because I became a validation (i.e. “love”) seeking whore who was ultimately afraid of her disapproval. This seeking was driven by, and based on the false assumption that a woman’s love is unconditional and constant.
2. Although I had made progress in the past by unknowingly implementing RP principles, I lacked the discipline and awareness to keep my pedal on the gas once I got to a comfortable state. I was a lazy fuck.
3. Having largely accomplished my career, money, and lifestyle goals from my youth; I no longer had any discernible mission besides validating through my wife.

 

In the first three months of RP, my ego was preventing me from truly seeing my problems associated with validation seeking. I made a lot of claims in the post and comments about having internal confidence and abundance mentality. You guys shredded my hamster in this regard. Following is a breakdown of some of the bullshit I laid out in that first post:

1. Although I am supremely confident with a devil be damned IDGAF frame in the workplace and with close male friends (true); this has not always been true with women or in social situations involving new people where I fear rejection. There have been women, social situations, and the first 10+ years with wife, where I did exhibit this alpha attitude with the predictable positive results. I have a long history of starting off very alpha with women (i.e. never had problems getting the ladies) and then developing oneitis for one of any significant quality.
2. I said I had abundance mentality; and you all called bullshit. My best explanation (from the dating days) is that my validation seeking was so strong that I could simultaneously: be completely wrapped around my main plate and fucking 2 other side plates in the same week. In addition, my abundance mentality had slipped after being married almost 25 years and going Betamax. I have establish abundance mentality in the last three months (more on this later in post).
3. I said that I brought the fun to our family. While I stand by the assertion that I always lead our family into fun activities and I am fun and easy going with my kids, upon further reflection I was often not fun to be around with my wife. Whenever she was not validating me with her attention or sex, she would get dour smegel-Persaeus instead of fun-Persaeus (to paraphrase Jack10ofH from different OP (Jeff) post).
4. I said I had killed all my covert contracts. I had killed all the chore play contracts. However, I had not killed the biggest covert contract: that when my wife and I would “get along” great this would lead directly to good sex. In fact, I have since concluded there is little (if any) connection at all between getting along like best friends and sex…..these are two SEPARATE things and this last contract is now dead.
5. I said I had forgiven my wife for the emotional, and probably physical, affair she had 20 years ago. This is bullshit; and I still occasionally meltdown in my own head over this….although it has gotten better. I am not going to puke all over my own post about this; but instead save it for a focused shit show post at a later date.

 

The actions I took in the first three month is in the last sections of my original post under “Shit I am owning”.

 

**What ACTIONS have I taken since my first post?*

 

First, The Easy Simple Stuff

1. It was obvious from the comments that I had not internalized a lot of the perquisite material, so I reread all three prereq books and did about ½ the exercises in NMMNG. NMMNG was the first book I read back in October; and it hit me a lot harder the second time. I have also read Day Bang and the professor’s book (two thumbs up).
2. Increased lifting/training frequency to every day of the week. I still miss a day here and there due to other commitments; but with the mindset of everyday I am now routinely hitting it 5-6 days a week. More importantly, I started lifting much heavier striving for maximum volume to fatigue and adding weight. FUCKING WOW…..only three months later I am bigger than I was at 20 years old. Diet is completely on point and now feels easy/normal. Moving below 12% BF now with abs and Adonis visible without flexing. Same wife that told me 6 months ago she liked my dad bod just fine, is now playing with my muscles in the same way I play with her T&A.
3. I got my paternity test back and both of my kids are mine….this concern feels more and more pathetic the further it recedes in the rear view mirror. Some fucked up shit.
4. I got busy….real busy. Besides increased gym time, I started training BJJ 2-3 nights a week, and going out with friends more. I started predator (coyote/bobcat) hunting; and spending more time with men at a hunting club I belong to. Aside from sleeping/fucking, I would estimate I am now around my wife less than 16 hours a week.
5. I have been doing 30 minutes yoga every morning since March. Definitely helpful; but need to add some quiet meditation.
6. I socialize (game is an overstatement) with random pretty women whenever I have the opportunity. This has been way easier, and natural feeling, than I remember from back in the day. Seems like this just gets easier and easier as I get in better shape. It has been a real RP eye opener to me on how people treat you so differently. Hot soccer moms that would not even look me in the eye two years ago now walk over to me and start chatting me up. Guess I am visible now….
7. I started leading us on double dates with other couples, and I started attending any social outing I could with my wife. This was a GAME CHANGER. After leaving college (where friends were hand-picked); I had some major missteps in new social circles with the wife. I chalk this up to (1.) being a half social retard; and (2.) being raised in a blue-collar redneck environment and now being thrown into the suburban country club set. Between this, the demands of kids, and us adopting a “divide it up” approach to kid activities we had very little social interaction in each other’s presence. So I aggressively went “social” starting in January. Of course, she shit test me at first….I either ignored or commanded. Oh boy, the results have been awesome. We have both had great fun. After 20+ years of working with these people and attending countless soccer/piano/whatever kid stuff I can talk golf/merlot now just as well as deer hunting/beer; and I am no longer intimidated by anyone. She has pretty much fucked my brains out after we “go out” every time. Given the super obese state I live in, I am the normally fittest husband in attendance by a long shot. I am AMOG’ing good and of course flirting with other wives. It is all in good taste; but it is worth noting that the sexual innuendo is pushed pretty far with the parental set as the kids reach high school.

 

The Difficult Stuff

1. I spent over a month developing my mission(s) in life. As other have noted in recent post, it is not easy to answer the question “what do I want”; especially if your head has been up the wife’s ass for several years. There isn’t any grand “save the world” statements in it. Instead, it is focused on who I want to become (characteristics/skills), how I want to live, and what I want to accomplish. I also re-examined my original modest MAP; and found I had completed everything. I drew up a new MAP for the next six months that is integrated with my mission; and has specific goals and time tables.
2. I stopped tracking wife’s movements and cell phone activity. This was really difficult the first couple weeks/month; but now I hardly ever think about her whereabouts or who she is talking to. I can’t honestly say IDGAF; but I am less paranoid now that I know she is already on the best train available and it is moving solidly forward.
3. I started passing shit test, compliance test, and setting boundaries after analyzing comments from original post and concluding I do not need to be super-witty; instead I needed to grow a pair, DGAF, and let the fur fly. An example is wife liked to say “my husband” when she thinks she is chastising or schooling me….like you would say “my son” to a child (she learned this from her mother doing this to FIL). I told her, once, “my husband” is a term of endearment and should only be used in terms of “your awesome my husband” or “fuck me harder my husband”. From that point on whenever she said “my husband”, I either said “I know I am awesome” or I started dry humping her ass/leg if we are alone both with a big smirk. Took about a month of this, but now she just uses “my husband” in the affirmative. Passing shit test has gotten to the point where I am having fun with it, and has freed me to tease her a lot more. Last few weeks I have been working on STP’s 100 shit test – laugh response challenge. I would say my biggest single mistake in MRP so far was not tackling this in the beginning…..so many starting-MRP shit test (i.e. the WTF is all this improvement kind…) I either failed or got a “C” with STFU.
4. Outcome independence started as me completely faking it….lying in bed thinking STFU after a hard no…until I could not stand it anymore and jumping out of bed in the middle of the night to go lift, ride spinning bike, or thrash the heavy bag in the basement. Did not mention this in my original post; but the bitch really started testing my OI in November. Historically, when I initiated I would either get an immediate hard no or I’d be fucking. In November she started letting me play with her, get good and worked up, and then shut me down once I started taking her clothes off. I was no longer whining and bitchy like old beta…..now I was angry….and lost OI….called her a “pathetic cunt” among other mean/demanding things. This happened probably a dozen times between November-February. I now see this as shit test to be passed and also an opportunity to build sexual tension for later exploitation; and just started slapping her ass (hard) and/or go to sleep. I also had ham-handed/transparent responses like this trying to implement dread level 4 (withdraw). In the last month my OI has truly moved to IDGAF level. Turned down in morning….I get up and go to work literally whistling out the door.
5. Over the last few months I have internalized the biggest AWALT (IMO) – she does not love you unconditionally. In fact, she only loves how you make her feel; and this changes constantly based on a thousand factors for which only a fraction is under my control. It is a wave and must be surfed, not tilted against, to enjoy her nature. We went on a northeast ski trip in February. Hurt my back few days before in BJJ class. Of course she shit test me on going versus limping around…pass test…were going. Every day I get up an hour early (while she is sleeping) to completely stretch my back out so I can move around/ski normally. Last day of trip is Indian summer weather, so I suggest we spend day in Boston instead. Planning and executing day trip like a boss. Coup de grace was were coming up out of the subway, and this panhandler steps directly in front of wife with hand out. I step in between them and still walking forward accidentally knock him to the ground. I help him up; and send him on his way with an apology but no cash. Now the rest of the day she could not keep her hands off me. Out of control PDA all day long. First crowded train back to our friends house, were standing with me holding the bar and her. She is subtlety grinding her ass into my crotch….the looks from other women…priceless. Second train is desolate. We are seated, and I have my hands down the back of her pants while she is rubbing me through the jeans. If it wasn’t for our kids seated in next row forward, I think I could have gotten a blowjob on the train. Needless to say when we got back to our friends house, after the “hello/how was your day” she requested I come up stair to help her “pack”….which I did. The next morning we have a 5:00 am car to the airport; and I did not stretch. I go to the gate while her and kids are at Starbucks. Now I have to stretch before I sit in a fucking airplane seat for 2+ hours. So I am laying on the floor in the airport stretching when she walks up, she says nothing and just looks at me with disgust. Afterwards, I sit next to her and put my hand on her leg. She literally throws my hand back at me and says “don’t touch me”. DLV…and hero to zero in the span of 18 hours proving the feelings provided is all there is. Six months ago I would have been hurt by this whipsaw….instead I laughed at the AWALT and read my paper. Zero fucks given.

 

The Risky Stuff

I decided to prove abundance. I replaced my lame-exploratory Tinder account with a half-ass account; and started experimenting with the profile-text. Been getting good matches on HB7-8, and have been on two Tinder dates in last two months (29 and 31 years old). One was lame and one was a lot of fun. This has all been done in a city several hours from home; and I ghosted both after the one date. Third lined up for next week; and another ½ dozen on the hook. Also met with an ex-four-year college plate that has been stalking me on FB since last summer for a weekend tryst. She is married and smart; and I consider her to be near zero security risk.

This is my first experience with cheating since being married; but I feel ZERO remorse from either a moral or wife perspective. Strictly from a risk standpoint, I have pondered stopping due to inherent risk for which I have taken many steps to mitigate. I don’t think this is something I will be doing long term because it takes considerable effort and it is a distraction from my larger missions. Right now I plan on continuing with this course of action because it is very exciting/satisfying; and because I am never again going into the mental abyss of oneitis I was in six months ago.

 

The Results

First off, I have not been this happy with myself and my life since I was in college. I don’t know if this sense of euphoria last forever; but being freed from constantly seeking validation and being worried about what other people think just keeps me smiling from ear to ear. I read my missions and MAP every Monday morning at work, and it provides me a sense of direction for the coming week. An interesting side-affect has been that I have lost the need to routinely talk to my mother who I have always been very close to. I have always felt compelled to call her at least one or twice every week. Last several months I have to force myself to call every week or two. Nothing she did; I just don’t need it.

 

Mrs. Persaeus general demeanor towards me has really changed over the last six months. I sometimes ask myself: “Is this even the same woman?” Shit test are still received; and truthfully most are brought on by a show of weakness or blueness on my part. However, the nonstop shit test, compliance test, and criticism is gone. She is more feminine, submissive, and deferential towards me. The biggest surprise, and this has only occurred in the last month, is that she has started to move into my frame by seeking my attention and opinion on this or that. As I look back over some of our epic battles in the past, I can see she was literally pleading for my leadership and to “get it”. To me at least, she also seems happier than ever. I don’t ask as I am just going by her actions. As I mentioned in my original post, the 10 second kiss has been more like a 10 second fencing match. Well men, it took six months but I finally got my tongue in her mouth a few weeks ago.

 

Sex life has improved; although I still have a ways to go towards releasing her “inner-slut”. Sex is 5-6 times per week outside shark week. Sex has been had pre-sleep several times, blowjobs as part foreplay are common now, she has initiated several times in last two months, and we had our first day time (nooner’) sex in last several years. Not surprisingly (IN HINDSIGHT) my sex validation drive has significantly diminished and I initiate less often now than I did 3-6 months ago; but I am getting more and better sex. I still want an improved sex life, but I no longer feel like I need it which given it was something I was obsessed with before feels weird. While she is not swinging from the chandelier every night, I have not seen the dreaded “rapey-feeling starfish” in over two months now.

 

The Plan

I am not going to go into the details of my mission or MAP; but there are a couple of elements I am seeking input on. Overall my goal (relative to wife that is) is to get her on board with my mission and release the inner-slut (lot more variety, on demand, random blowjobs, etc.); neither of which has been accomplished yet. I can hardly characterize my marriage now, or for quite some time, as “low sex”; but rather low quality sex. I am implementing BPP 12 dread levels 1-3, 5, 6, 7, and just a taste of 8; and my plan is to just keep improving on these by:

1. Levels 1-3 ….keep enjoying and mastering the eternal shit test, lift heavy and hard, and keep enjoying my hobbies. Hobbies is going to really kick in with spring turkey hunting, biking (will join club this year), and kayaking (already in club) seasons coming on. Adding meditation to build spiritual frame.
2. Level 5 …..new summer wardrobe being developed…looking into buying pre-tailored clothes instead of off-rack followed by tailor.
3. Level 6 ….gaming wife, KINO, and push/pull is an area with a lot of potential improvement for me. Have got SGM, and will be reading it next. Several PUA books to study after that. It is becoming crystal clear to me that women (i.e. wife) need drama/emotions to generate Tingles^TM. Lot of work for me in this area.
4. Level 7 …..keep on gaming on. In the small town I live in, I have to keep this pretty mild. However, coming soccer season and summer travels will provide a lot of hunting opportunity in faraway wilds.
5. Level 8 ….I will keep on a very low simmer. Only break glass if needed.

 

You probably noticed that dread level 4 is missing from the above. I clumsily implemented this in first four months, and have since completely withdrawn this tactic for several reasons. First, although I have read over this material in the BPP book several times I still do not really…really get the difference between time/attention and affection/presence; and am even more doubtful on my implementation of the difference. To this point, I take responsibility for misleading her into an emotional affair 20 years ago due to lack of my presence. Second, I am seeing wife-improvements and will continue to see how far increasing my SMV takes me (this is the same thing as BPP advise on only using D4 for repeated sexual denial). Lastly, I think D4 will be much more affective after I have well proven OI and higher SMV in another six months.

I have been thinking about it for months as a potential problem, but after reading J10 comments last J10 set in this post ; I have concluded I must stop being spreadsheet guy (i.e. the data part….not the stupid talking about your data part). Given I have proven over the last six months that my wife is my mirror, my thinking about sex in a transactional/benchmarked manor can obviously be a cause for her lack of spontaneity (duh…..). So as much as I love data (engineer….go figure), I am stopping the accounting/analysis.

Finally, I want to “just get it”. By this, I mean two things. First, maintaining frame and gaming the wife or other women currently takes a huge amount of conscious thought and effort. This needs to become more natural or second nature. Otherwise it compromises my larger mission. Second, reading a lot of the faired guys post and mental methods has really brought to light what a social half-retard I have always been. Several times a week I read something on MRP and I think “that is so obvious, why has that never occurred to me before?” At six months I really don’t feel any anger. Instead, at age 47, the only negative emotion I feel is remorse for the life I could have lived. I intellectually understand the concept of sunk cost; but that understanding does not temper the sense of loss in how much has been sunk. So I focus on improvement to the grave (healthy-lifestyle people in my family have lived to 85-100); and educating my son (13) in RP knowledge.

I am never going in that BP hole again, divorce will be on the table for the rest of my marriage.