On Quitting, Harassment, and Shame
I resigned from my position as barista in Cafe Mario at Nintendo on Monday.
It was a pretty sweet gig. Sodexo paid me quite well for being a plain ol’ coffee slinger, I got to know a lot of really awesome people, and I consider it a really formative chapter of my life. I’m not crazy broken up about it, as I was intending to leave the position shortly anyway to pursue a different path in life. I definitely wish it would’ve been on different terms than the shit-show that has been the past two weeks or so.
I decided to dip out early, which I figured would be the best option given the current atmosphere. It has been the case before that Nintendo brass doesn’t like a certain contractor for some reason or another and they just kinda disappear. One day the district manager shows up, you turn in your badge, and you don’t get to ask many questions. Given Nintendo’s risk-averse track record for handling potential PR problems, I figured I’d likely be doing them a favor. I’d much rather leave on my own terms than have to hear the bogus, “We’re not firing you, but the client has asked you to leave so we’re gonna try to find another account for you to work at.” Obviously this is pure speculation on my part so no need to go kicking down Nintendo’s door, but I’d put good money on that having happened had I not been proactive about it. My managers and Sodexo were super considerate about my decision, as opposed to Alison’s one day remaining of health insurance coverage and a whopping nothing else for severance when she was canned (“escorted out” would’ve been such a good yet touchy pun here). What’s done is done, and I wish Nintendo all the best in its future endeavors.
It’s also very much worth noting that, whereas Alison was a victim of online harassment that Nintendo was dubiously able to distance themselves from, I am not. I was just walking along, living my life, and someone dug deep into it for no reason other than my proximity to Alison. I never made waves with my employer(s) before this. My private life was entirely that - private. I was harassed, alleged details about me exposed, and that led me to believe the smartest move was to resign from my job. Key fucking takeaway here: an anonymous internet harassment campaign directly targeted me for no real reason and greatly affected my life. I got on their radar, they assumed enough about my life to justify an attack, and they executed in full force.
I don’t feel the need to go into a ton of detail about what led up to this and what’s currently going on, but for the sake of archiving, here’s some of what I’m currently dealing with (taken only from Twitter, I don’t have time to dig through all the other forums on me):
I’ll entertain the opposition for a second and go along with the idea that Alison never originally came under fire simply for being a woman in games (because they
definitely
aren’t the majority of targets of this kind harassment). While it’s argued that Alison was originally attacked for some of her outspokenness on problematic topics whilst holding a PR roll, I am now being dissected and attacked by some of my more extreme opposition seemingly just because I exist. The speculated ways in which I live my life are worthy of mocking, plain and simple. I am deemed the emasculated King of Cucks, and that my friends, is apparently quite a spectacle to behold. Grab the popcorn and laugh at this sad excuse for a human.
When one endures this level of anonymous harassment, there are so many fluctuating thoughts and emotions you try to process. You get angry at them. You feel sad for them. You wonder why bullies still exist beyond school. You start to get angry at those dear to you since you have limited outlets. You want to mock their existence. You wish they would go away. You cry. You chuckle to yourself and close confidants as they skew so far very far from the truth of anything. You cry again. You contemplate how to outplay and “beat” them.
The reality is that you actually can’t beat them. With the way everything currently is, the harassers always “win” in the short term. You have to sit and suffer, very silently. If they see that anything they are doing to you is working, they get more aggressive. You are prevented from crying out to the world. You can’t simply close your computer and it make it go away because they are literally calling anybody and anything connected to you in attempts to bring you down further. It’s the, “Don’t tell anybody about this, OR ELSE IT’LL BE WAY WORSE” tactic, and the really depressing reality is: it works. You just kinda just have to lie there and take every kick until they grow tired, flaccid, and move on to the next victim.
In many ways I’m glad that this harassment has landed on my doorstep, mainly because it’s very revealing of the GG, anon, et al extremist mindset. Typically targets are outspoken women in games. I’m not in the gaming industry, I’ve never been very vocal on problematic topics, and I’m a white dude. This nebulous group coming after me has no ethical agenda other than chaos and pain in the name of entertainment. The unadulterated goal of this agitated, formless blob is simply to drag you through the mud of shame, and grasp at any straw to get society to agree with them.
But another reason I’m glad some of this has landed on my shoulders, and a point I think the blob is starting to realize is: I don’t feel shame for being who I am. They take stab after stab, trying to find something that will make me truly bury my head in the sand. The reality is, as many people who know me personally can attest, I don’t give a shit what the world knows or thinks about me. I live a life fairly out of the realm of “normal”, and I’m entirely comfortable with that. As such, I am able to walk away from the shit mostly unscathed on the inside.
Heads up, some pretty crrrrrrazzzyyy edgy, feminazi SJW, brain-washed cuck beliefs incoming:
- I think people who do sex work aren’t a disgrace, and I actually believe they’re some of the most confident people around.
- I think people can make non-normative choices without believing they’re “edgy”, yaknow perhaps they’re just comfortable in their own skin.
- I think LGBT et al folx are seriously fucking rad, and even if someone is just questioning and exploring that, they’re on a personal journey unlike few others and that’s worthy of at least a pat on the back.
- I think someone getting an 8g piece of metal stabbed through their urethra is an incredibly brave and “masculine/ballsy” thing to do (and I bet the sex feels great, but who am I to know).
- I think if someone likes it up the butt, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I just hope they’re taking it easy on themselves; it’s a delicate area.
- I don’t think any “out there” fetish/kinks, like cuckolding, are at all a bad or shameful thing, or any worse/worthy of kink shaming than the average anon who likes [enter any porn search engine category ever].
- I don’t think it’s super nice to heavily speculate on someone’s private sex life and relationships in a public realm if they don’t care to fully disclose any of it.
- I think if someone wants to suspend their right to reproduction for whatever reason, more power to them.
- I think that, personally (yes, you heard that agency), polyamory and all the trials that came with it were some of the most maturing and differentiating choices I could’ve ever made for myself. It’s true that every journey through it is different and some don’t “make it through” - but they tried something and they learned about themselves in the process.
- I think the ability to not claim ownership over my partners in the form of jealousy, etc (and vice versa) is one of the most respectful things I can do for them - they aren’t my property and I’m not theirs.
Most importantly:
- I think everybody has the right to their own opinions on the above topics and more, but you do a disservice to your voice when the only way you can express your disagreement is through hurtful actions.
- I think that just because someone has some radical viewpoints on touchy/problematic topics or has a different framework of interpreting reality than you, that’s still no reason to strike them down (which goes for the anti-GG, et al side as well).
- I believe there are real humans underneath even the most hate-filled, vitriolic, and incredibly misguided of expressions. Believe it or not, I’m willing to bet some of my harassers are actually cool people when they’re not tearing the world apart.
This is why tweet after tweet, post after post, I kinda just start giggling (very masculine giggles of course). Partially because everything is so comically far from the truth, but mostly because… wait for it…
none of it will accomplish what the campaign at large likely seeks to achieve (or in the very least wants to spectate) - a breaking of self.
Sure it made me feel I need to quit my job. Sure it will probably affect my future employment prospects. Sure it’s a really weird couple conversations to have with people who now know a
bit
more about me. But will I ever be crushed to the point of second-guessing my identity? Absolutely not.
So here’s to seriously hoping we can all just learn to get along with each other a little more, even if we’re totally different and disagreeable people. Genuinely inquire why a person lives a life differently than yours in order to gain knowledge, sure - but don’t mock them for it, and certainly don’t punish them. I think I’ve made a decent case for being human, and I’m really trying right now to treat everyone as the same.
And a huge word of encouragement to both friend and foe alike dealing with any self-image/confidence/worth/etc difficulties: don’t be anybody but you, and don’t take shit for it from any asshole. Be unapologetically awesome, so long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others in the process. And don’t be afraid when those inner demons of yours pop up or get exposed; that discomfort and pressure is all part of a long, unending, and incredible process every human should embrace - growth.
In the words of our beloved lord and savior, Kanye West, “My life is dope, and I do dope shit.” No matter what anybody thinks, I’m just gonna keep doing what I do. Perhaps if people spent less time trying to tear down other’s dope shit and instead focused that time on their own dope shit, we could all make some incredibly dope shit together. That’s some dope shit.
Jake Rapp
PS - I don’t listen to Kanye. Maybe that’s like, the ONE THING I can get some actual shit for.
