OP you have been through so much in your life. What strikes me most about your post and the way you've handled yourself in the comments, is how little anger and bitterness there appears in you. I'm not sure how you've been able to manage and process all of the things you have, but you've come through so well adjusted. The second and almost as surprising thing is your compassion and forgiveness. Don't you ever underestimate what you've been through and please don't ever underestimate how well you've managed an unimaginable situation.

I hope with this post you've been able to gain some more insight into your father's life as well as some relief to get things off your chest. I hope you've been able to learn a bit more about sexuality, paedophilia and child abuse. They are all complex areas and in truth, we're all still learning most of our lives.

If you're interested in my opinion here it is in point form:

• You were sexually abused. Children who are used by adults for their sexual gratification are abused. Even if you gained some sexual arousal from the experiences, it was never a two way street (which I was worried you implied with your choice of the word 'arrangement').

• Generally speaking society has mixed and confused definitions for the topics. I don't know if your dad was gay, straight, bi. A paedophile is a person who is sexually attracted to children but is everyone who sexually abuses children a paedophile? I know that majority of sexual abuse occurs in the home of the children by people they know, by people who are related, e.g. new BF, new husband of the child's mother.

• You've not really given enough information to know whether your dad was gay, bi. You have implied that everyone 'knew', is that because he had stereotypical mannerisms for a gay man? Not all men who are effeminate are gay though.

I also hope you're beginning to realise that sexual orientation is not related to paedophilia, and that sexual orientation is not about who you actually sleep with. For example, you may be a gay man attracted to other men but have never had sex with a man. Some married men are in this situation and may never have sex with another man in their lifetime but still consider themselves 'gay'.

OP, it's hard for anyone who's sexually abused but even more so for men. Men typically don't want to express their feelings. Also sometimes there's shame with what has happened, that's it's slight against their 'masculinity' their 'manhood'. Sexual abuse from a family member also has the added complication that the children often still feel conflicted, still love their abusing parent. It oftens tears families apart with the victim often blaming themselves. I want you to know that you were never to blame for what happened and it's okay to have mixed feelings or feelings of love for your father today.

If you think it would be beneficial for you there are professional counsellors who can help or perhaps an online support group. I just want you to know that you are an amazing man and you're a survivor. You might not feel that way but from our perspective, you are an amazing man. Best wishes OP.

TL;DR - adult survivor of sexual abuse, no bitterness or anger, well adjusted and still compassionate towards the parent who offended against him. sexuality is not related to paedophilia. sexuality is not who you physically sleep with. Not sure if dad was gay. Find support if necessary.

edit: grammar