Longtime lurker using throwaway. Does there always have to be blame?

youvegotdbkiddingme · 3時間前

Actually, you should leave this open for your husband so that he can see how unsympathetic you are to the pain that your change is causing him. It is your inability to appreciate the effect of that decision on your husband that makes you blameworthy.

That you would equate intimacy with your husband, whom you chose to marry, to something as trivial as disliking lima beans or pop country makes me question your claim that he is the person you "love most". Only you can decide what you will and will not do for your husband's emotional well-being and no one can tell you what to do with your body, and it may well be that his response is immature. But so is yours. This is not a binary question of it being about one of you or the other - though you seem to have made it so. Just imagine that he came home to tell you he slept with another woman because his tastes changed, or that he quit his job because he didn't want to work any more. Should he deny his own sexuality or work a job he doesn't want to work and pretend it is ok?

And no, I wouldn't want you to fake it. I'd prefer you figure out why your feelings changed and be honest so that he can make his own decisions about whether it is worth spending another moment with you. Most of all, it sure would be great if you had just a little sympathy for what he is going through - it sure doesn't look like it from your post.

I've been through all of the phases of grieving over my DB. My wife's brutal honesty set me free. Do your Husband a favor and divorce him, since like so many of us on this board, his love for you makes it impossible for him to look out for his own best interests.

Halafax · 3時間前

I suspect that most HLs in here would like a chance at a happy life. For most HLs, that life includes sexual intimacy. The common saying around here is that sex is %10 of a good marriage, but %90 of a bad one. That's because it's often the one impulse that we can't let go of.

If my ex had been able to be honest about her situation, maybe something could have been done. Maybe something couldn't, but I never got a chance to try. My ex couldn't talk about sex, it was me versus the wall.

You said your partner can't talk about it. I know what that's like, from the other side. Your partner may have built up frustrations or may have lost the trust needed for an open dialog. Sometimes that can be worked through, sometimes it's too late for that.

I don't think anyone should have to endure a bad relationship. I have sympathy for LLs.

So talk to us. You aren't attracted to your partner. What do you think should be done?

FulminateOfMercury · 3時間前

Seriously. Just admit it's all about you.

Sadly, right now it is all about me, but that's because I seem to be the only one in my relationship who sees it as a problem. I'd really like it to be all about us, myself and the woman I love and have been married to for a long time. I'd really like to share pleasure with her again. We did, in the past.

Why should we pretend that something feels good when it actually feels annoying or awkward?

You shouldn't. You say that you've tried to talk with your husband about this, but he storms off and won't discuss it. I'm sorry. That failure to do so is on him. I also try to remain cognizant that what gets posted here is only one side of the story, so that's what people here respond to.

What, exactly, would you have us do about a loss of attraction? Do you want us to fake it?

I don't want my wife to fake it. If she has lost her attraction for me I really wish she'd just tell me. At least then I could deal with it, accept it, and move forward without the constant feelings of rejection and disappointment. I hate the dissonance of being told I'm loved and desired, but there's never any actual manifestation of that feeling in our bedroom.

I'm sorry you're feeling attacked, and I hope you and your husband can finally start talking, because it sounds like you're both hurting.

peachtea85 · 2時間前

If it bothered you that you are hurting him, you would fix it, otherwise his pain is just something that is an annoyance to you.

If you are not attracted to him anymore then either do something to fix it, or divorce him and let him find someone who WILL be attracted to him. The fact that you just told an entire group of strangers on the Internet that you make more money than him and he keeps losing his job, and said it with enough venom that you could feel it dripping off your post tells us that you probably don't have any respect for him and that THAT is why you are no longer attracted to him. Things like that are fixable if you're not so resentful that you actually WANT to fix it, but you clearly just want someone here to tell you that you aren't to blame.

Here's the truth that you won't like...for every woman that doesn't find her husband attractive anymore because of trivial bullshit, there is a woman who WILL find him attractive, and if you don't want him to find that woman and leave your ice cold ass in the dust, you better figure out how to fix what is so wrong with YOU. This is YOUR issue, not his. He just wants you to love him and appreciate him, he wants to feel loved and like you desire him.

If you can't see that you need to fix yourself, then I would start planning for how you're gonna feel about being a divorcee. Best of luck to you, God knows you'll need it.

Laceandlov · 2時間前

Your analogy fails. My partner not liking Lima beans or a casserole I made has little to no impact on my self esteem. But my husband not wanting to be with me does

peachtea85 · 57分前

I have read everything here now, and I am going to tell you that unless you fix the extreme amounts of anger and resentment you have towards him for changing how he looks, how he behaves and how he uses porn, you will NEVER be able to live happily with him. Am I saying that you should just have sex with someone you so clearly despise? Absolutely not! I am saying that you seem to have absolutely insurmountable anger and hostility towards him and his personality in general. And what you are saying is that you haven't changed a bit, that you are still the exact same person that he married, but you say he posts here, so I'm gonna call shenanigans on that. This isn't a situation that isn't fixable, but trying to make an entire group of people understand your point when you keep changing your statements, is ludicrous. I wish you luck, but you seriously need to either convince him to get in to therapy, or you need to leave him, people here can not solve this for you. Good luck random angry Internet woman.

Cereal_Monster · 3時間前

It's not always the lower libido person's fault. It's the fault of those who are unwilling to support each other through tough talks and hard times. It's the fault of the person who doesn't even care to try anymore.

It's not just about the sex, which is huge, it's about the intimacy and the love. It's about the relationship. It's about the love that he feels for you being shunned and turned down time after time.

Ego? Really? No. It's not about making the HL person's ego feel good. It's about having a healthy, loving relationship. If he storms out every time you try to talk about it, then there's an issue in the way it's being discussed.

Are you willing to compromise? Is he? Are you willing to sit down together and talk about the things you both need to feel attractive about yourselves, and attracted to one another?

If you're seriously considering faking it, you're not really getting his side at all - I can only imagine how it feels for him to be told that it's either faking it or nothing. Do you not see how cold that sounds? It's completely normal to desire affection, and to feel incomplete when the person he loves won't even touch him, or hug him, or look at him like they used to. He's longing for something that you once had, and you're the one who feels differently. You're now upset with him for craving what you used to have in what your relationship used to be.

It's not okay to fake it. It's also not okay to pretend that your relationship has always been dead in the bedroom. And it's not okay to blame him for his desire for what you used to have. If you've both changed, then it's time to confront that. Relationships are about working together.

techie1967 · 2時間前

Here's the thing. The real damage hurt doesn't come from the lack of sex itself. It comes if the LL steadfastly refuses to even acknowledge that there's a problem. When they are happy with the lack of sex and completely disregard the fact that their spouse is deeply hurting over it. Or worse, when the LL is perfectly willing and able to screw like a rabbit when it's time to get a ring or have kids but is completely unwilling/unable to have sex any other time.

What, exactly, would you have us do about a loss of attraction?

Be honest about it and be willing to try to get it back. If the loss of attraction is something that the HL is doing or not doing, then talk about it and figure out what needs to change. If the loss of attraction is in your own head, figure it out.

but it's not a deliberate attempt to reject you.

Deliberate or not, it still hurts. And the refusal to even try to change things is most definitely deliberate. Many HLs would be happy with barely or even no increased frequency/quality as long as they believe that their LL spouse is honestly trying to address the issue. And TBH I see a lot more HLs here saying "daily would be ideal but I'd be happy with 1-2x per week" than I do LLs saying "once a month would be ideal but I'd be willing to do once a week".

Do you think we like hurting and insulting the person we love most?

TBH with some of what I see described, I wonder. If they don't like hurting their spouse, then why do so many seem to refuse to try to anything to try to stop?

Why should we pretend that something feels good when it actually feels annoying or awkward?

Why should the HL pretend that they are feeling love for you when the reality is that life hurts so much that they can sometime barely stand being in the same room with you?

That you actually don't care at all if we enjoy sex,

Then how come we see so many HLs saying they don't want duty sex? That their partner wanting them sexually is as or more important than the sex itself.

it's always the lower libido persons fault.

There's been threads where the LL comes here talking about a 2 to 3 times a week frequency and that their partner gets pissy when it's not daily where the HL gets hammered pretty hard.

BiggusDickus9284 · 2時間前

I don't think anyone here wants the LL to fake it -- I know I don't.

I also don't think you're really LL from your other responses on this thread.

I think you really aren't attracted to your husband anymore and have very little respect for him as a man. And I'm not condemning you for that because some of the things you say he says and does are pretty douchey. In fact, why do you still blow him and have sex with him? Just to keep the peace?

I also can't blame you for staying for the kids (I'm doing the same thing). But I would plan for a future without him.

2Cosmic_2Charlie · 3時間前

Here's the issue as I see it:

You, no doubt, expect your husband to be faithful, support and raise the children, do the dishes, go to work, care for you when you're sick, back your play, be broke with you when the money gets tight, be a family partner you can trust, build a future, be home at night, compromise with you when he doesn't want to and love you unconditionally.

Should you expect this out of your husband?

Fuckin' A right you should. That's marriage and he finds a way to get it done.

You seriously can't find way to actually help comfort and support your husband through all this with some physical contact ?

Well, that's part of marriage too. Just what did you think "to have and to hold" meant ?

No, we don't want you to fake it. It's worse than that. We want you to actually want us.

katorulestheworld · 3時間前

I hate to be blunt, but yes. It is your fault you refuse to have sex with your husband.

If you think that having a physical relationship is the same as "liking lima beans" then, again being honest, you're an idiot.

Constant rejection and neglect will kill his love for you. If it isn't already dead. If you don't want to have a proper relationship with him, then why are you faking having one? because that's what you';re doing. You want the security and the perks but he doesn't get what he needs because its too much like hard work for you.

He is probably already cheating on you, if its even possible to cheat on someone who refuses to be with you, and again, its your fault. You have only yourself to blame.

madison_wi · 3時間前

I agree, it is in some ways selfish at it's core, at least speaking for myself as a high libido person with a no libido spouse of more than a decade. But I also have a sense that both of us are missing out on something (certainly emotional and physical intimacy). And that possibly there's some unspoken need that we should work together to address.

I have to give you big kudos though: I'd feel much better if my no/low libido partner were open and honest about it like you are--to be explicit about feeling bad about it, understanding my pain, instead of just giving only the impression of not knowing or caring about it and not seeming to care or understand how it makes me feel. To me, that's selfish behavior, more than me wishing we had a sex life.

Kinkin50 · 3時間前

My anger came from my wife's complete shut-down of my attempts to discuss or "fix" the problem. Her anger came from (correctly) feeling like I was always trying to "fix" her. For a long time neither of us would admit that we individually had a problem, instead blaming the other.

Even when I came to realize it was a relationship problem we had to fix together, she was (and still is) extremely guarded about engaging around the issue. When we talk about it, she often feels bad; when we don't talk, I get frustrated. But having reframed it as being on the same team trying to solve the problem has drained a lot of the anger out.

dbrta · 2時間前

You despise your husband.

DeadBedrooms

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